I need your advice

[Guest NeedAdvice]

Salaam Alaykum,

I make it short. I'm looking for marriage and last year I was introduced to a girl which was a mumin and pious believer. I talked to her for about 2 months and everything about her was good. My only concern was the age difference that she was 3 and half years older than me. I also had some minor concerns in regards to family orientation and compatibility but she mentioned that she is family oriented etc. We almost agreed on important topics, but eventually I decided to move on and I informed her about this. This decision made her very upset especially because we went out sometimes and she fell in love with me. I know that 10 months has passed, but I couldn't forgive myself for her being upset. I feel like if I marry someone else, I betrayed her. At the same time, sometimes I tell myself take it easy and you're not responsible for that. What should I do? It's been almost a year ago and I still think about it. I'm afraid that Allah may ask me about this in afterlife. Another thing is that I can't waste time and think about this constantly. I want to marry soon and have my own family. Recently, I came to know about a girl and I like the short discussion we had with each other about marriage and family, but this past experience stops me from moving forward. Please share your wise advice.

[SalmanK]

Wa alaikum as-salam, honestly if you ended things with her solely because of the age difference it doesn't seem right for me but you are free to have whatever preference, marriage is a very difficult step in life. I think you should just get over it and move on, from what you said doesn't seem like you were engaged or made any promise right?

[Uni Student]

It was a year ago she has likely moved on from it herself while you are still thinking about it. Move on

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 12/1/2022 at 12:29 AM, Guest NeedAdvice said:

My only concern was the age difference that she was 3 and half years older than me.

This is an extremely bad reason to reject a prospective wife. The age difference between Rasoolallah (S) and our mother Khadija (sa) was about the same (she was roughly 3 years older; he was 25 and she was around 28 when they got married). The bond of love he shared with her was like none other. 

Anyway, what's done and dusted is done and dusted now. You've got no other option but to move on. Let this be a lesson. 

Wassalam. 

[Guest NeedAdvice]

Thanks everyone for replying to the topic. As far as I know the girl is still waiting for me to get back to her(I realized this through a third person without her noticing). We were not engaged, but we went out a couple of times and it made a bond between us. I need advice on what to do. I think of her too sometimes. She is pious and a good girl, but I'm kind of afraid of marriage in general(considering my parents marriage experience). She is overseas and I'm here in US. The process of getting visa and everything is time consuming and I'm not sure if the visa process goes well. The girl sound emotional and family oriented, but as I said 3 years older than me.

@AbdusSibtayn

@Abu Hadi

@Ashvazdanghe

[Guest NeedAdvice]

Thanks for the replies. I came to know through a third person that the girl doesn't want to marry anymore. I'm concerned about this and more concerned about this question coming up in afterlife. I don't have answer for this and would like to get some advice from people who are married or been in situations like this. I realized that she rejected all proposals after we cut our connection. She's pious girl and doesn't deserve it, but I'm concerned at the same time and don't have peace like before.

[Guest Window]

On 11/30/2022 at 10:59 AM, Guest NeedAdvice said:

Salaam Alaykum,

I make it short. I'm looking for marriage and last year I was introduced to a girl which was a mumin and pious believer. I talked to her for about 2 months and everything about her was good. My only concern was the age difference that she was 3 and half years older than me. I also had some minor concerns in regards to family orientation and compatibility but she mentioned that she is family oriented etc. We almost agreed on important topics, but eventually I decided to move on and I informed her about this. This decision made her very upset especially because we went out sometimes and she fell in love with me. I know that 10 months has passed, but I couldn't forgive myself for her being upset. I feel like if I marry someone else, I betrayed her. At the same time, sometimes I tell myself take it easy and you're not responsible for that. What should I do? It's been almost a year ago and I still think about it. I'm afraid that Allah may ask me about this in afterlife. Another thing is that I can't waste time and think about this constantly. I want to marry soon and have my own family. Recently, I came to know about a girl and I like the short discussion we had with each other about marriage and family, but this past experience stops me from moving forward. Please share your wise advice.

Age shouldn’t be a problem. It’s the maturity that matters. As an example: I used to be married to a Sunni man for four years. He was extremely emotionally immature and I almost died from his ill-treatment. He was six years older than me and yet behaved like a teenager, always playing with his video games and never wanting to grow-up. So I divorced him. 

[ali_fatheroforphans]

On 12/19/2022 at 10:55 AM, Guest NeedAdvice said:

I'm concerned about this and more concerned about this question coming up in afterlife

I think you're overthinking a little. It's a decision at the end of the day which you had to make. The age thing is not an issue for some but can be an issue for others. But best to move on and kheir inshallah. And who knows maybe she wasn't the one for you and if you did get married there may have been complications. So not worth worrying about it anymore. 

However for the future - the visa process isn't as bad, I know many who have gone through a similar process. I don't know how it works for you but if you have the US passport or permanent residency shouldn't you be able to sponsor your spouse? Sometimes it's worth the wait even if the process takes a while. I would definitely endure inconveniences and difficulties if I'd get a good pious spouse in return. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 12/19/2022 at 10:25 PM, Guest NeedAdvice said:

Thanks for the replies. I came to know through a third person that the girl doesn't want to marry anymore. I'm concerned about this and more concerned about this question coming up in afterlife. I don't have answer for this and would like to get some advice from people who are married or been in situations like this. I realized that she rejected all proposals after we cut our connection. She's pious girl and doesn't deserve it, but I'm concerned at the same time and don't have peace like before.

Not married myself,nor did I ever face any such situation, so I am not experienced to comment on this. But now that she doesn't want to marry anymore, there's not much choice that you're left with. Move on, and let this be a lesson for the future.