My father is exploiting my sister

[Diaz]

Salamu alaikum everyone, how are you all? I hope you are all fine.

Few days ago I was talking with my sister with what my father is doing to her. Few weeks ago my sister resigned from the company she worked with because they are paying her salary very late, she worked for full month (took only 4-5 days off per month) and sadly she will not receive her last month salary because there is no contract and these people do not fear allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). She was not feeling well mentally, so my mother told her to leave and take break for few weeks and then she can start looking for a new job. She did left and now she is Staying at home. Since the first day she left her work, my father is not treating her well, he keeps on slandering about her and calling her names because she left. He want my sister to pay for my youngest brother school fees and he want her to send to my younger brother money for his expense from her own money, the problem is he keeps on telling to everyone that my sister is useless and he is the one who is paying the fees and sending expense to my brother. 
 

From her own money she brought full groceries for a month yet my father is acting as if he is the one who brought it. He is not paying anything except our rented apartment, not giving my mother and my brothers any expenses and lastly he is bullying my youngest sister because she is not working. 
 

She even gave him more than $1k+ because she was support to purchase his used car but then he sold his car to his sister and did not give her $1k+ back. He told my sister to lend him some money and told her he will return it back, but he did not return anything till now and we all know he will not return it. 
 

What should my sister do now? She said she is scared and worried because my father does not want her to get married and he want her to work non stop as if she is our father and we are her responsibility. 
 

edit:- ofc there is more to talk about, but I don’t want to expose my father sins, right now I just want to know what can I sister do regarding this issue. I don’t think my sister can handle him for the next 2-3 years. I’m just worried about her.

Edited November 27, 2022 by Diaz

[Solo_Ta72]

On 11/27/2022 at 10:02 AM, Diaz said:

Salamu alaikum everyone, how are you all? I hope you are all fine.

Few days ago I was talking with my sister with what my father is doing to her. Few weeks ago my sister resigned from the company she worked with because they are paying her salary very late, she worked for full month (took only 4-5 days off per month) and sadly she will not receive her last month salary because there is no contract and these people do not fear allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). She was not feeling well mentally, so my mother told her to leave and take break for few weeks and then she can start looking for a new job. She did left and now she is Staying at home. Since the first day she left her work, my father is not treating her well, he keeps on slandering about her and calling her names because she left. He want my sister to pay for my youngest brother school fees and he want her to send to my younger brother money for his expense from her own money, the problem is he keeps on telling to everyone that my sister is useless and he is the one who is paying the fees and sending expense to my brother. 

From her own money she brought full groceries for a month yet my father is acting as if he is the one who brought it. He is not paying anything except our rented apartment, not giving my mother and my brothers any expenses and lastly he is bullying my youngest sister because she is not working. 

She even gave him more than $1k+ because she was support to purchase his used car but then he sold his car to his sister and did not give her $1k+ back. He told my sister to lend him some money and told her he will return it back, but he did not return anything till now and we all know he will not return it. 

What should my sister do now? She said she is scared and worried because my father does not want her to get married and he want her to work non stop as if she is our father and we are her responsibility. 

edit:- ofc there is more to talk about, but I don’t want to expose my father sins, right now I just want to know what can I sister do regarding this issue. I don’t think my sister can handle him for the next 2-3 years. I’m just worried about her.

As far as i know your sister can disobey your/her father if he forces her to take an action that is prohibited by Allah (not let her marry).

Secondly, Your father seems to have some mental health issues... she's a women why is he forcing her to work at the first place if she doesn't want to.

If i were you I'd get her married to a good guy so that she could find peace and get rid of this misery 

Other than that if any of my words were offensive my apologies... 

[Diaz]

1 hour ago, Solo_Ta72 said:

As far as i know your sister can disobey your/her father if he forces her to take an action that is prohibited by Allah (not let her marry).

I didn’t know that, if possible brother/sister can you pls share a link so that I can read more about it? 
 

1 hour ago, Solo_Ta72 said:

Secondly, Your father seems to have some mental health issues...

He does, not only him, his siblings all are mentally ill. I think because my grand parents are not good people specially my grandmother. My cousins told me once that my grandmother did not do her job as a mother, she did not raise her kids well and they all slander and gossip about each others. 
 

1 hour ago, Solo_Ta72 said:

she's a women why is he forcing her to work at the first place if she doesn't want to.

She want to work but she want to save some money for herself. She want to work for good companies not horrible ones.
 

She wanted to buy some gold for herself but he did not allow her because he said we want expenses and she should pay for it. secondly it’s easy to manipulate my sister so he can easily lie to her so that he can take money from her.

1 hour ago, Solo_Ta72 said:

If i were you I'd get her married to a good guy so that she could find peace and get rid of this misery 

Tbh I was thinking about this many times. I don’t want her to do the same thing as my cousin. My aunt is exploiting my cousin as well, she met a man from nowhere, within a month or 2 they got married, after few months they got divorced. She just wanted to live peacefully but look what happened in the end. 
 

1 hour ago, Solo_Ta72 said:

Other than that if any of my words were offensive my apologies... 

no worries, it was not offensive to me.

[Uni Student]

6 hours ago, Diaz said:

I didn’t know that, if possible brother/sister can you pls share a link so that I can read more about it? 

As a general rule, it is not only allowed but required for children to disobey their parents if they are being prevented from carrying out a wajibaat or being asked to commit a sin.

[Solo_Ta72]

I've heard that according to khamenei 

Showing good attitude towards parents is wajib and one should avoid anything that becomes a reason for their distress (If one causes distress to his/her parents, he/she has committed a major sin or I'd say something Haram)

Obedience is not wajib at all 

While in your case father is the one causing distress so as per Islamic law she can disobey if they try to stop her from her wajibat 

I might be Wrong I've also heard that obedience is only for Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)

Parents must be respected (only)

[Solo_Ta72]

https://www.shiavault.com/books/parents-and-children/chapters/2-essential-differences/

You can read this for further info

[Abu Hadi]

On 11/27/2022 at 11:59 AM, Diaz said:

I didn’t know that, if possible brother/sister can you pls share a link so that I can read more about it? 

The limit of obedience to parents is when they ask you to do something which is haram, or prevent you from doing something which is wajib. Then you are not allowed to obey them, as obeying them would be disobeying Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). This teaching is common between Shia and Sunni. If you would like me to post  a link, I can, but this seems like common sense to me. 

[Quran313]

Salaam Alaykum,

This is a very serious problem. First of all, stand by your sisters and support them in any way you can. Just being with them, gives them some peace and support(this should be done by all the family members to support your sisters). Second, never leave them alone and try to be engaged in their discussions with your dad. This make your dad to understand that your sisters are not alone and other family members are supporting them. Do not give him money under any circumstance if he doesn't have the intention to return it back. Also, never make a promise to your dad that puts you under pressure, stress, and more responsibility.

My dad had some similarities with yours, and I remember those hard days that I used to live with him. You and other family members have to support your sisters and stand by them. Don't disrespect your dad and if he said something rude to your sisters or you, calm down and say I respect family members. Disrespecting your dad makes the situation worse. Most probably your dad won't be fixed, but your top priority is to support your sisters and stand together to minimize the impact of your dad behavior. 

You and other family members should start having discussions with your dad to not put girls under pressure, and having them married soon. This is unavoidable, and do not postpone it. Again, no disrespect and be calm throughout the entire conversation and try to be support to your sisters. Again all family members should be engaged in supporting your sisters and any other problem that you might have like paying for grocery, etc.

[Diaz]

@Quran313 thank you very much brother for your comment.

I just made this thread to get some help on how can my sister have patient regarding my father’s behavior towards her, but everyone in here is talking about marriage as if this is her biggest problem. 

 

4 hours ago, Quran313 said:

all family members should be engaged in supporting your sisters and any other problem that you might have like paying for grocery, etc.

I know brother, but sadly my family are not like that. My father and his sibling always slander and gossip about each other. That’s what they are good at, they hate each other. 
 

it’s my mom who always help my dad yet he can’t respect her. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

The shar'i intricacies aside, what kind of father with any gheirah in him would be content to lead a life freeloading off of his daughter? This looks seriously wrong to me. Sorry if this hurt you ya akhi, but I can't see it otherwise. 

I don't see a way out for your sister unless she marries and moves out. Until then she has to consider this a trial and endure it. 

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) ease her difficulties. 

Wassalam. 

EDIT: OR, she can move out by saying that a part of her job will now entail work from home, and the atmosphere at home is not right, and see if there are female colleagues who're willing to move in and split rent with her for a place of their own. This is a stop-gap short term solution for her to escape the tyranny. 

Edited December 2, 2022 by AbdusSibtayn

[Diaz]

7 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

The shar'i intricacies aside, what kind of father with any gheirah in him would be content to lead a life freeloading off of his daughter? This looks seriously wrong to me. Sorry if this hurt you ya akhi, but I can't see it otherwise. 

I don't see a way out for your sister unless she marries and moves out. Until then she has to consider this a trial and endure it. 

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) ease her difficulties. 

 

Thank you brother, no offense taken. 
You are right, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is testing us and we should be patient. 

7 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

OR, she can move out by saying that a part of her job will now entail work from home, and the atmosphere at home is not right, and see if there are female colleagues who're willing to move in and split rent with her for a place of their own. This is a stop-gap short term solution for her to escape the tyranny. 

Not that’s not possible brother, my father will NEVER allow her to live by herself or with another females. He have this old arab traditions thought like honor killing and all. 
 

Even if does want to live by her self or with female colleague and my father give her the permission, in the place where I live, it’s not allowed for single ladies to rent an apartment, for married ones they must be doctors, engineers or working for the govt. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

4 hours ago, Diaz said:

Thank you brother, no offense taken. 
You are right, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is testing us and we should be patient. 

Not that’s not possible brother, my father will NEVER allow her to live by herself or with another females. He have this old arab traditions thought like honor killing and all. 
 

Even if does want to live by her self or with female colleague and my father give her the permission, in the place where I live, it’s not allowed for single ladies to rent an apartment, for married ones they must be doctors, engineers or working for the govt. 

Then may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) make it easy for all of you, dear brother. 

Follow the advice given by brother @Quran313 above. All of you need to get together and stand up to him (not meaning you should fight him). All of you siblings must unitedly tell him that since a) Your sister has to save for her marriage b) The responsibility of younger siblings is also upon her, she cannot give him any more money. Be firm. 

[AStruggler]

Sorry to hear about this situation dear brother @Diaz, I will pray for your family inshaAllah. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) allow your sister to overcome these challenges, get married soon, and live a life of peace inshaAllah.