Husband being depressed, is the wife to blame?

[Mirnz]

Salam brothers and sisters, 

I unfortunately do not have much knowledge when it comes to the religion, I was born Muslim shia but sadly being raised by single mother growing up in Australia around no muslims didn’t make it easy for me to get close to the religion. 
i have been married for 10 years, to a man that comes from a religious household, who I would say has a lot of knowledge when it comes to the religion. I have adjusted and he has taught me a few things which has made me a better Muslim hamdilla. However, he himself grew up in a traumatic household which I believe anxiety and depression has caught up to him. He lost his job 3 years ago, was off work for about 2 years while I was on maternity leave. he started working in a different field which he dislikes a lot and makes sure he tells me this on a daily basis, we just got back from holidays this week and he started to get panic attacks and feeling anxious and depressed. 
He started to shut down and avoid me, leaving the house at night with out telling me where he is going and what he is doing. He wouldn’t answer my calls and just ignore me.

 

today we finally spoke, he says he is feeling anxiety and stress also depression which he doesn’t know if this is a genetics thing or something else. He doesn’t feel like he can talk to his family about this as they will blame me, he says there are Islamic hadiths that say if you are feeling stressed or depressed when you go home you should see your wife’s face and feel happy. However that’s not the case for him. He says when he comes home there is no peace and quiet and I make it worse. I’m constantly yelling at the kids and He believes I have emotional problems that run in my family and I can’t control my mouth and bad temper…. I could go on for days but I will stop here ! 
we have 3 kids and I don’t want this to affect them in any way! 
So really what I want to know is, is he right? Could I be the cause of the depression he is feeling? Is it true that there are hadiths out there which say this? Where can I educate my self more on this topic? Any help would be really appreciated! 
 

thank you so much 

Mirna 

[notme]

Your actions could be a contributing factor,  but he is responsible for his own actions and his own emotions,  just as you are responsible for yours. 

Everything affects the children.  Just do your best.  

If you can change some things and make it better,  do that,  but you are not responsible for the entire mental health of your household. 

[Mirnz]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply back! 

[Abu_Zahra]

If he has indeed recognized that he is suffering from stress and anxiety then he should consider seeing a mental health specialist. 

[Ashvazdanghe]

6 hours ago, Mirnz said:

Is it true that there are hadiths out there which say this? Where can I educate my self more on this topic?

Salam

Rights of Husband and Wife

Holy Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم).a.) said:

“My brother Jibraeel has informed me and emphasized so much about women that I thought a husband does not have the rights to utter ‘Ugh’ to her.”

Quote

Rights of the Wife

Hazrat Imam Zain al-Abideen ((عليه السلام).) has mentioned the rights of a wife thus:

“It is the right of your wife that you should know that Allah has made her as a medium of peace and comfort for you and a medium of attachment and love for you. Both of you are each other’s need. You should thank Allah for this great bounty and both of you should praise Him. You should know that this is a grace of Allah upon you. Hence, it is incumbent upon you that you thank Allah and have good fellowship with her. Although your rights upon her are greater and her obedience to you is obligatory in all your likes and dislikes so long as it is not a sin. So she has a right that you treat her with love, mercy, attachment and affection. She is the center of your comfort and the medium of your pleasure. She is a great bounty.” 1

Holy Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم).a.) said:

“My brother Jibraeel has informed me and emphasized so much about women that I thought a husband does not have the rights to utter ‘Ugh’ to her.” 2

 

Quote

The last will of Holy Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم).a.) was:

“He emphasized for prayers twice. Do not assign your slaves and servants any responsibility beyond their capacity. For the sake of Allah! Look after the women. They are the trusts of Allah in your hands. You have sought them after you made a covenant with Allah and she became your wife in the Name of Allah.”

 

Rights of the Husband

Asma, wife of Ansaar, came into the presence of Holy Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم).a.). He was with his companions. She said to him:

My parents be your ransom! I have come to you as a representative of a few women. May my life be sacrificed for you. If any woman, in the east or the west, gets to know that I’m in the presence of your eminence, she would also say whatever I said.

Allah has sent you as a Messenger for men and women. We have brought faith upon you and believe in that God who has sent you as a Messenger.

Quote

We, the group of women, are confined to the four walls of the house and we stay in our houses. We fulfill your requirements and nurture your children whereas you men have a higher status than us. You participate in the Friday prayers, congregations, visit the sick, participate in funerals, perform Hajj and most importantly fight for the cause of Allah and when anyone of you steps out of the house for Hajj, Umrah or to guard the boundaries then we look after your wealth, prepare clothes for you, train your children. Will we be included in the reward with you?

Upon hearing this, Holy Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم).a.) turned towards his companions are said:

“Have you heard anything in religious matters better than this from any woman?”

The companions replied: We can’t imagine that a woman can put forth anything better than this.

Then his eminence ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم).a.) turned towards her and said:

“Go back and inform all women that anyone of you who takes care of her husband, satisfies him and acts as per his wishes then it is equal to all those rewards.”

On hearing this, the woman went back in a state that her face was brimming with joy and was constantly reciting ‘There is no God but Allah’ and ‘Allah is the Greatest’. 11

 

Welcoming and Seeing Off

A person came into the presence of Holy Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم).a.) and asked him: O Messenger of Allah! My wife welcomes me when I come home and sees me off when I go out. When she sees me aggrieved she consoles by saying that if you are worrying about sustenance then Allah has guaranteed it and if you are pondering over the hereafter then think more (about it).

Holy Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم).a.) replied:

“Give her glad tidings of Paradise and tell her you are one of Allah’s facilitators. Allah will grant you the reward of 70 martyrs daily.” 16

Hazrat Imam Ja’far Sadiq ((عليه السلام).) said:

“A woman who prays five times a day, fasts during the blessed month of Ramadan, obeys her husband, recognizes the right of Hazrat Ali ((عليه السلام).), she can enter Paradise through any door she wants.” 17

https://www.al-islam.org/marital-life-importance-and-issues/rights-husband-and-wife

[VoidVortex]

7 hours ago, Mirnz said:

 

today we finally spoke, he says he is feeling anxiety and stress also depression which he doesn’t know if this is a genetics thing or something else. He doesn’t feel like he can talk to his family about this as they will blame me, he says there are Islamic hadiths that say if you are feeling stressed or depressed when you go home you should see your wife’s face and feel happy. However that’s not the case for him. He says when he comes home there is no peace and quiet and I make it worse. I’m constantly yelling at the kids and He believes I have emotional problems that run in my family and I can’t control my mouth and bad temper…. I could go on for days but I will stop here ! 
we have 3 kids and I don’t want this to affect them in any way! 
So really what I want to know is, is he right? Could I be the cause of the depression he is feeling? Is it true that there are hadiths out there which say this? Where can I educate my self more on this topic? Any help would be really appreciated! 

salam sister. 

first, how is the food at home. What kind of food is he eating. Food full of sugar and vegetable oils are bad for his mental health. Food has a great effect on mental health. Is he getting enough sleep? Does he take vitamin D at a high enough dose, and does he take b vitamins and fish oils, having probiotics etc. These are important, because bad mental health can be caused by deficienies in the body and bad diet. He should also be exercising in some form daily for his mental health too. Exercise is extremely important. Of course this is surface level, but it can make all the difference. Assuming you cook for him you can make him healthy meals and next time you go to the grocery store, you can avoid unhealthy food. 

number 2. Dear sister, you must first stop yelling at your children and you have to work on yourself in a way that you are in a good mood and displaying that good mood. You can do this through seeking professional help if you like. there is a good programme you can try called Queen Program – Spiritual Warrior (spiritualwarriorprogram.com) run by sister Zahra Makke. It may help you in your personal life and improve you as an individual.  You should be such a person that the good fragrance of akhlaq can be smelled by your husband and children. A simple tip for example, when your husband comes home, do you unload the difficulties of your day unto him immediately. If you do, at least wait 10 minutes after he came home to tell him. This simple psychological thing can make a lot of difference. When he comes home, apply perfume quick and greet him with a smile, compliment him, tell him how much you missed him. This small thing will make his day. How is the atmosphere of the house in general?

If I put myself in his shoes, he's at work at a job he dislikes, hes there for 8 hours, not enjoying it and his relief should be when he comes home, except when he comes home he can't get a peace of mind and therefore he struggles a lot. That may be why he leaves, because its a kind of escapism for him. He may be burnt out. 

7 hours ago, Mirnz said:

He believes I have emotional problems that run in my family and I can’t control my mouth and bad temper

do you see this in yourself. You don't need to answer here, but its just a question for you to reflect on dear sister. If you find this in yourself, its obviously what needs to be worked on. Have you identified why you may have a bad temper if its true? It may be a good idea to see a therapist to help you, and to help you identify the reason this is the case. 

Your husband could also try the kings program, but the website isn't working properly so you can contact them 

Spiritualwarriorprogram@gmail.com 

you can also schedule a call to ask questions before getting the program to see if its for you.

If any of this advice helps you, please pray for me!

Edited November 26, 2022 by VoidVortex

[Mirnz]

Thank  you all so much for taking the time to reply back! I really do appreciate it! 
 

jnshallah I will pray for you all. God bless you. 
 

 

[SalmanK]

Impossible to tell without knowing the situation.

Fact is, mental health issues isn't something to blame someone, whether the person who suffers from them or his wife/family. They should be dealt with, perhaps with help of a specialist. Yes you could be a contributing factor like another user stated or even the very source of his problem or it could be related to his traumas etc he should stop blaming you and you both should work to resolve his problem

[Abu Hadi]

11 hours ago, Mirnz said:

Salam brothers and sisters, 

I unfortunately do not have much knowledge when it comes to the religion, I was born Muslim shia but sadly being raised by single mother growing up in Australia around no muslims didn’t make it easy for me to get close to the religion. 
i have been married for 10 years, to a man that comes from a religious household, who I would say has a lot of knowledge when it comes to the religion. I have adjusted and he has taught me a few things which has made me a better Muslim hamdilla. However, he himself grew up in a traumatic household which I believe anxiety and depression has caught up to him. He lost his job 3 years ago, was off work for about 2 years while I was on maternity leave. he started working in a different field which he dislikes a lot and makes sure he tells me this on a daily basis, we just got back from holidays this week and he started to get panic attacks and feeling anxious and depressed. 
He started to shut down and avoid me, leaving the house at night with out telling me where he is going and what he is doing. He wouldn’t answer my calls and just ignore me.

 

today we finally spoke, he says he is feeling anxiety and stress also depression which he doesn’t know if this is a genetics thing or something else. He doesn’t feel like he can talk to his family about this as they will blame me, he says there are Islamic hadiths that say if you are feeling stressed or depressed when you go home you should see your wife’s face and feel happy. However that’s not the case for him. He says when he comes home there is no peace and quiet and I make it worse. I’m constantly yelling at the kids and He believes I have emotional problems that run in my family and I can’t control my mouth and bad temper…. I could go on for days but I will stop here ! 
we have 3 kids and I don’t want this to affect them in any way! 
So really what I want to know is, is he right? Could I be the cause of the depression he is feeling? Is it true that there are hadiths out there which say this? Where can I educate my self more on this topic? Any help would be really appreciated! 
 

thank you so much 

Mirna 

Alekum Salam. 

You said he lost his job 3 years ago and now he is working in a field he dislikes alot. I don't really have enough information, but if I had to guess, that would be my best guess as to the root of the problem. Being a man, I know that the most stressful thing in a man's life, by far, is when he can't support his family in the way they are used to, financially, or he has to go to work everyday to a job he really doesn't like. This is probably equivalent for a women to living with a husband who beats her up on regular basis. 

It's an ongoing source of stress. Men deal with this in different ways, and sometimes it is a part of life and there is nothing anyone can do about it. If he has the opportunity to do a career transition into a line of work that he is more happy with then he should do that. If that is not possible, then he should have sabr, and try to deal with it in a way that doesn't harm the family or his dunya or akhira. 

My other guess would be that when he says those things about you, there might be some truth to them, but even if you were perfect and never did any of those things that annoyed him if the main source of his stress is something other than you (i.e. his work) which you have no control over, then he is just lashing out and trying to destress himself by putting his stress on you and that is not fair to you. You being perfect (if that is even possible) would not solve the issue, in that case. Obviously, you could try not to do those things that annoy him, and this is good aklaq, regardless of the other situation. 

Just because someone is knowledgeable regarding religion doesn't mean they follow it, 100% of the time, unless they are masoom and none of us are. If you both try whatever you can do to make your marriage work, then it will get better. The marriages that fall apart and end up in divorce are when one or both partners decide they don't want to 'try' anymore. 

Edited November 26, 2022 by Abu Hadi

[Uni Student]

6 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

or he has to go to work everyday to a job he really doesn't like. This is probably equivalent for a women to living with a husband who beats her up on regular basis. 

This probably needs to be rephrased 

[Laayla]

Let him watch a few long format podcasts of Andrew Tate, and he will remove himself from the miserable bubble he is putting himself in.

[Quran313]

What I realized from your post is that your husband have anxiety attacks and doesn't feel peace at home. He might have bad experiences at his own family, but it may be partially contributed in his new family with you and/or his kids or his job. Don't take it personal. Instead, try to calm him down and try to be close to him. Understand him. Whenever he comes home, go for him and give him something to eat/drink. Having more quality time and making him smile will help to overcome his anxiety. Please take this serious. Anxiety happens for everyone, but quality time and understanding making each other smile would help resolving it a lot. If he doesn't like something about you or kids (yelling at kids, being stubborn, etc.) tell him and you do whatever it takes to keep him happy and feel peaceful. Do not nag, do not blame him, etc. I do dua to fix your problems inshaallah.

Edited November 26, 2022 by Quran313

[Abu_Zahra]

6 hours ago, Laayla said:

Let him watch a few long format podcasts of Andrew Tate, and he will remove himself from the miserable bubble he is putting himself in.

Those who have access to the Quran and the teachings of the Prophet and his family,  peace and blessings on them all, don't have any reason to cheapen themselves with trashy material. 

 

[Laayla]

12 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

Those who have access to the Quran and the teachings of the Prophet and his family,  peace and blessings on them all, don't have any reason to cheapen themselves with trashy material. 

 

Of course we revere them and follow their teachings brother.

I mention Tate because of his position that depression doesn't exist.  He talks about working hard and to discipline yourself by maintaining a healthy body and having a strong work ethic.

He says don't make excuses and blame other people, you need to fix your situation and take full accountability.

If he is still drinking alcohol and fornicating, I don't condone that, Astgfor'Allah.

I hope he surrounds himself with God fearing Muslims and not the filthy rich Gulf playboy degenerates.

I appreciate your input, brother. 

Also, I'm amused about the dislikes from the brothers.  I was expecting them from the sisters.

I hope I was able to clarify my position.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN ALLAH 

 

Edited November 27, 2022 by Laayla

[rkazmi33]

I have worked in bad working environments and I had to quit after 2 or 3 months. Your husband is not being lazy or making excuses. Working with difficult people is really hard and it effects your whole life. Since you went on holidays, I guess your financial situation is not so bad. Is it possible for him to reduce his hours at work and help you more with childcare? Is it possible for him to leave his field and do free lance work like Uber, or some delivery service? Their hours are flexible and you don't have to deal with difficult co-workers. 

Edited November 27, 2022 by rkazmi33