I ended getting to know a great guy and I ruined it

[WisdomAndAnswers]

I was getting to know a guy for 2 weeks. He was great to me, he always responded fast to my texts, always was the one asking to call me. He was respectful and kind to me so honestly I don't know why I ended it. I ended it for something so small and I regretted it. When we met in person, he really liked me and kept complimenting. He was smiling the whole time we were together and kept complimenting. After we left he texted me right away about how happy he met me.

But yesterday I told him I wanted to end our conversations and i can tell he got really upset because of his 3 word reply. 

I really regretted it so the next day I apologized by sending only 2 texts telling him that I still want to continue getting to know him, but he's only read them but ignored the texts I sent. It's almost been a day now.

What should I do? Should I text him again and ask him if he still want us to conintue? Honestly I'd just want him to give me answer whether it's a yes or no then i'll be completely fine with that and move on with my mistake. I just need to know instead of being ignored and just left hanging.

What are your opinions on what I should do?  Is he just upset and will respond back? I mean wouldn't he just block me on whatsapp if he wanted me gone? 

 

Edited September 30, 2022 by WisdomAndAnswers

[Guest Mohammed Ali]

Just be honest with him. I think neither you nor him would like to receive mixed signals.

Tell him how you felt and tell him how you feel now. If he wants to end things: good. If he doesn't: great. Being honest will save both yours and his time. And if your honest then he is more likely to to be as well. 

So save you time. Tell him the truth. Move on with your day. Don't wait for his reply. You have notifications lol. 

[Irfani313]

You should assess:

1. Are you breaking any gender boundaries established by Allah?

2. Are you in the right age and mind to start this as a relationship?
 

3. Is your frontal lobe developed enough to make a long term decision, or would you need your parents’ wisdom? 
 

4. Are you telling your parents about it from the get go, if not, why not? 

5. Why someone’s few smiles (lips bent upward and sideways with teeth showing), fast replies to the texts (each one of us are trigger happy when it comes to opposite gender), and complimenting us, all the while being respectful equals that he is a great guy? 
 

6. Why do you need validation and a resolute No from him, are you in the needy emotional state? 
 

There are many more, but as a parent, if my child tells me this, I would be asking her/him all of the above, as starter!! 

Edited September 30, 2022 by Irfani313

[rkazmi33]

There are so many incels who are so needy and don't know how to take no for an answer. In past 2 years, I have dealt with so much abuse from literally strangers whom I meet on the street and their egoes get hurt because I "rejected" them. If I get a little bit of respect from a man, that's enough for me. So I understand this sister's infatuation. I would suggest OP should try to send few more messages to this guy. He probably has a lot of options and he is probably a player and he is giving her silent treatment but silent treatment is the least harmful type of abuse.

Also, OP should not consider herself needy. I have heard stories of women who got married to someone way out of their league because they attempted suicide or threatened to commit suicide. No one calls those women desperate or needy. People have been abusing me, slandering me and spreading rumors about me and they justify all their actions because their intention is to convince me to agree to marriage. No one calls them needy, this sister is allowed to act a little needy if it means she will get a chance to get a great husband. 

OP! Be careful though, some men only act sweet in the beginning to get a love confession or something they can use to humiliate a woman or ruin her reputation.  It's like walking on pul e sirat, you might miss out on a great opportunity but if this guy is a wolf in sheep's clothing, you might ruin your reputation. I feel like we have become like the society before Prophet Muhammad. For weak people, even talking to opposite gender is considered equal to adultery, while powerful can commit any sin and no one says a thing. 

Edited September 30, 2022 by rkazmi33

[Uni Student]

If your intention is to get to know each other for marriage, constant compliments are not an indication of anything, just that there is some infatuation. You need to be having more serious conversations with substance rather than joking laughing and smiling. Being kind, sweet, “smooth” with a lady does not indicate anything about a persons deen or akhlaq

Edited September 30, 2022 by Uni Student

[WisdomAndAnswers]

1 hour ago, rkazmi33 said:

There are so many incels who are so needy and don't know how to take no for an answer. In past 2 years, I have dealt with so much abuse from literally strangers whom I meet on the street and their egoes get hurt because I "rejected" them. If I get a little bit of respect from a man, that's enough for me. So I understand this sister's infatuation. I would suggest OP should try to send few more messages to this guy. He probably has a lot of options and he is probably a player and he is giving her silent treatment but silent treatment is the least harmful type of abuse.

Also, OP should not consider herself needy. I have heard stories of women who got married to someone way out of their league because they attempted suicide or threatened to commit suicide. No one calls those women desperate or needy. People have been abusing me, slandering me and spreading rumors about me and they justify all their actions because their intention is to convince me to agree to marriage. No one calls them needy, this sister is allowed to act a little needy if it means she will get a chance to get a great husband. 

OP! Be careful though, some men only act sweet in the beginning to get a love confession or something they can use to humiliate a woman or ruin her reputation.  It's like walking on pul e sirat, you might miss out on a great opportunity but if this guy is a wolf in sheep's clothing, you might ruin your reputation. I feel like we have become like the society before Prophet Muhammad. For weak people, even talking to opposite gender is considered equal to adultery, while powerful can commit any sin and no one says a thing. 

I really appreciate your detailed answer. Thank you! 

[WisdomAndAnswers]

2 hours ago, Irfani313 said:

You should assess:

1. Are you breaking any gender boundaries established by Allah?

2. Are you in the right age and mind to start this as a relationship?
 

3. Is your frontal lobe developed enough to make a long term decision, or would you need your parents’ wisdom? 
 

4. Are you telling your parents about it from the get go, if not, why not? 

5. Why someone’s few smiles (lips bent upward and sideways with teeth showing), fast replies to the texts (each one of us are trigger happy when it comes to opposite gender), and complimenting us, all the while being respectful equals that he is a great guy? 
 

6. Why do you need validation and a resolute No from him, are you in the needy emotional state? 
 

There are many more, but as a parent, if my child tells me this, I would be asking her/him all of the above, as starter!! 

Thank you for your answer, it was very helpful 

 

[Abu Hadi]

There are basically three types of guys, and the guys response is usually based on which type they are. 

Type A. The Alpha Male response. 'Oh she turned me down, that's cool. Now I'll go for it even more'. For these guys, turning them down or being rude to them actually makes them more interested. These guys will deal with this pretty well, and will probably take this from you, and will continue to respond, but I don't know if you necessarily want this type of guy. These guys are also the stalkers, the predators, the ones who could destroy your whole life with their aggressive behaviour. Most girls 'assume' guys are this way, but actually there are very, very few 'pure' Type As out there. The reason is because they have a short lifespan. Most of them are dead or in jail before 30. All guys like to think they are pure 'A's but most are not, and most actually don't even want to be if they really thought about it. 

Type B. The Beta Response. As some have said, this is the incel response. They become passive when turned down and take it extremely personally, and go and cry into their Starbuck Frappuccino, and then post about it on reddit from their mom's basement. If he is a true Beta, you'll probably never hear from him again. I used to say that true Betas are just as rare as true Alphas, but in this generation it seems there are more of them. They are still rare, though. 

Type AB. The regular guy. This is almost all guys, since there are very few 'pure' type As or type nonsense, this is a myth. Most guys are A or B depending on the situation, how comfortable they are, their background, past experiences, their level of Iman and Taqwa, their upbringing, etc. Some guys switch between type A and B on a daily or hourly basis. Some are situation As and nonsense (like they are a type A at work or around their friends but when they get around women, or certain situations, they switch to being a type B). 

So the point of saying this, is that be careful when you tell a guy 'I'm not interested'. You should think about it first for a while, and make sure you are really not interested because you know what you mean but the other person doesn't, and their response is based on who they are, not what you meant. I think you should try one more time to contact him. If he doesn't respond, move on. In the case he is a true Beta (I'm not saying he is because I have no idea who he is), he is doing you a favor by not responding. You definitely don't want to be married to a guy like this. 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Abu Hadi

[notme]

17 hours ago, WisdomAndAnswers said:

What are your opinions on what I should do?  Is he just upset and will respond back? I mean wouldn't he just block me on whatsapp if he wanted me gone? 

Always only say what you mean and always mean what you say.  Don't play mind games and think before you speak so you don't regret your words later.  You can never unsay. 

If he has moved on,  you should too.  

[Zaydism]

On 9/30/2022 at 2:34 PM, WisdomAndAnswers said:

getting to know a guy

On 9/30/2022 at 2:34 PM, WisdomAndAnswers said:

we met in person

Make sure you aren't doing anything unlawful; it isn't a good idea for non-Mahram's to meet, especially if you're alone. Two weeks is an insignificant amount of time to go and meet a complete stranger, not to mention whether such action is permissible, or not. Moreover, I would say that someone who is serious about their religion, and about building a future with you would do things the right way, of course this goes both ways. There are many issues with the context you've provided, and there also need to be emphasis on taking matters seriously and operating - at all times - with respect to what is permissible. 

[Abu Nur]

On 9/30/2022 at 10:34 PM, WisdomAndAnswers said:

What are your opinions on what I should do?  Is he just upset and will respond back? I mean wouldn't he just block me on whatsapp if he wanted me gone? 

This is not how you know if he really was a great guy. If you have an insight then you will already able to see and be confident of your decision. My humble advice is just move on and only do what pleases Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Everything good will come from him even when you do not ask him. 

[WisdomAndAnswers]

On 10/1/2022 at 9:13 AM, notme said:

Always only say what you mean and always mean what you say.  Don't play mind games and think before you speak so you don't regret your words later.  You can never unsay. 

If he has moved on,  you should too.  

That's true, but for me when I ended it I actually meant it. I didn't want him to chase me or try to play mind games. In my heart I felt it was right, but then when I went to sleep, I started to regret my decision and knew I had rushed it.

[WisdomAndAnswers]

On 10/1/2022 at 6:53 AM, Abu Hadi said:

There are basically three types of guys, and the guys response is usually based on which type they are. 

Type A. The Alpha Male response. 'Oh she turned me down, that's cool. Now I'll go for it even more'. For these guys, turning them down or being rude to them actually makes them more interested. These guys will deal with this pretty well, and will probably take this from you, and will continue to respond, but I don't know if you necessarily want this type of guy. These guys are also the stalkers, the predators, the ones who could destroy your whole life with their aggressive behaviour. Most girls 'assume' guys are this way, but actually there are very, very few 'pure' Type As out there. The reason is because they have a short lifespan. Most of them are dead or in jail before 30. All guys like to think they are pure 'A's but most are not, and most actually don't even want to be if they really thought about it. 

Type B. The Beta Response. As some have said, this is the incel response. They become passive when turned down and take it extremely personally, and go and cry into their Starbuck Frappuccino, and then post about it on reddit from their mom's basement. If he is a true Beta, you'll probably never hear from him again. I used to say that true Betas are just as rare as true Alphas, but in this generation it seems there are more of them. They are still rare, though. 

Type AB. The regular guy. This is almost all guys, since there are very few 'pure' type As or type nonsense, this is a myth. Most guys are A or B depending on the situation, how comfortable they are, their background, past experiences, their level of Iman and Taqwa, their upbringing, etc. Some guys switch between type A and B on a daily or hourly basis. Some are situation As and nonsense (like they are a type A at work or around their friends but when they get around women, or certain situations, they switch to being a type B). 

So the point of saying this, is that be careful when you tell a guy 'I'm not interested'. You should think about it first for a while, and make sure you are really not interested because you know what you mean but the other person doesn't, and their response is based on who they are, not what you meant. I think you should try one more time to contact him. If he doesn't respond, move on. In the case he is a true Beta (I'm not saying he is because I have no idea who he is), he is doing you a favor by not responding. You definitely don't want to be married to a guy like this. 

Thank you so much for your detailed answer. I actually enjoyed reading it all. 

I think he was the first type of guy, the guy who likes it when a girl turns him down or insults him. I searched really into him such as his family and background and I found out he's actually scary and not the person I thought he was. He drank occasionally, was not practicing at all and even was put into jail for drug dealing. 

He desperately wanted to get to know me and wanted me to be his wife, which he made it really obvious because he knew my nature and he thought I was beautiful which means nothing to me. That's all infatuation  and I'm pretty sure this type of person would get bored of someone really easily and cheat based on the type of person he was.  Alhamdulilah that I asked around because I would still be waiting for a response from a player like him and get tricked by his personality. 

My gut knew something was wrong with him which is why I felt the need to end it from the start. 

[WisdomAndAnswers]

11 hours ago, Abu Nur said:

This is not how you know if he really was a great guy. If you have an insight then you will already able to see and be confident of your decision. My humble advice is just move on and only do what pleases Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Everything good will come from him even when you do not ask him. 

I 100 percent agree with you. You know a lot and I appreciate your answers. It honestly helped me

Edited October 2, 2022 by WisdomAndAnswers

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 10/1/2022 at 1:04 AM, WisdomAndAnswers said:

I was getting to know a guy for 2 weeks. He was great to me, he always responded fast to my texts, always was the one asking to call me. He was respectful and kind to me so honestly I don't know why I ended it. I ended it for something so small and I regretted it. When we met in person, he really liked me and kept complimenting. He was smiling the whole time we were together and kept complimenting. After we left he texted me right away about how happy he met me.

But yesterday I told him I wanted to end our conversations and i can tell he got really upset because of his 3 word reply. 

I really regretted it so the next day I apologized by sending only 2 texts telling him that I still want to continue getting to know him, but he's only read them but ignored the texts I sent. It's almost been a day now.

What should I do? Should I text him again and ask him if he still want us to conintue? Honestly I'd just want him to give me answer whether it's a yes or no then i'll be completely fine with that and move on with my mistake. I just need to know instead of being ignored and just left hanging.

What are your opinions on what I should do?  Is he just upset and will respond back? I mean wouldn't he just block me on whatsapp if he wanted me gone? 

 

If he's really serious about you, he must approach your walī. 

Real men man up and talk business to their potential father in-law instead of playing high school romance coquettish mind games. 

Also, make sure you are not crossing any lines. Be ever-mindful of the fiqh of opposite gender interaction. 

Salamun alaiki. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 10/1/2022 at 4:23 PM, Abu Hadi said:

There are basically three types of guys, and the guys response is usually based on which type they are. 

Type A. The Alpha Male response. 'Oh she turned me down, that's cool. Now I'll go for it even more'. For these guys, turning them down or being rude to them actually makes them more interested. These guys will deal with this pretty well, and will probably take this from you, and will continue to respond, but I don't know if you necessarily want this type of guy. These guys are also the stalkers, the predators, the ones who could destroy your whole life with their aggressive behaviour. Most girls 'assume' guys are this way, but actually there are very, very few 'pure' Type As out there. The reason is because they have a short lifespan. Most of them are dead or in jail before 30. All guys like to think they are pure 'A's but most are not, and most actually don't even want to be if they really thought about it. 

Type B. The Beta Response. As some have said, this is the incel response. They become passive when turned down and take it extremely personally, and go and cry into their Starbuck Frappuccino, and then post about it on reddit from their mom's basement. If he is a true Beta, you'll probably never hear from him again. I used to say that true Betas are just as rare as true Alphas, but in this generation it seems there are more of them. They are still rare, though. 

Type AB. The regular guy. This is almost all guys, since there are very few 'pure' type As or type nonsense, this is a myth. Most guys are A or B depending on the situation, how comfortable they are, their background, past experiences, their level of Iman and Taqwa, their upbringing, etc. Some guys switch between type A and B on a daily or hourly basis. Some are situation As and nonsense (like they are a type A at work or around their friends but when they get around women, or certain situations, they switch to being a type B). 

So the point of saying this, is that be careful when you tell a guy 'I'm not interested'. You should think about it first for a while, and make sure you are really not interested because you know what you mean but the other person doesn't, and their response is based on who they are, not what you meant. I think you should try one more time to contact him. If he doesn't respond, move on. In the case he is a true Beta (I'm not saying he is because I have no idea who he is), he is doing you a favor by not responding. You definitely don't want to be married to a guy like this. 

Heartening to see brother @Abu Hadi getting a hang of the gen-Z lingo. 

However, contrary to the pop culture stereotypes, betas are actually quite sane and pragmatic. They are the negotiator/problem solver types, and generally are the first to initiate steps to resolve conflicts, and they deal with rejections and defeats reasonably, given their withdrawn nature. What the case here seems to be doesn't look like beta behavior. 

A good example of a beta male is the character Bassanio from Shakespeare's 'Merchant of Venice'. He's always playing second fiddle to his friend and benefactor Antonio, is always browbeaten by his mistress Portia, and not the leadership/outgoing type, but at the same time he's one of the most pragmatic characters in the play; he's quick to offer hush money to Shylock to not push the case against his friend in the Duke's court. 

[Abu Hadi]

On 10/2/2022 at 11:18 AM, WisdomAndAnswers said:

Thank you so much for your detailed answer. I actually enjoyed reading it all. 

I think he was the first type of guy, the guy who likes it when a girl turns him down or insults him. I searched really into him such as his family and background and I found out he's actually scary and not the person I thought he was. He drank occasionally, was not practicing at all and even was put into jail for drug dealing. 

He desperately wanted to get to know me and wanted me to be his wife, which he made it really obvious because he knew my nature and he thought I was beautiful which means nothing to me. That's all infatuation  and I'm pretty sure this type of person would get bored of someone really easily and cheat based on the type of person he was.  Alhamdulilah that I asked around because I would still be waiting for a response from a player like him and get tricked by his personality. 

My gut knew something was wrong with him which is why I felt the need to end it from the start. 

Alhamduillah. It shows you have wisdom that you could tell the difference between real love and lust/infatuation only . You made the right decision and didn't get tricked. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) give you a good husband in the future who won't disappoint you. 

On a side note, this thing that often happens where a girl falls for the 'bad boy' and then gets disappointed, abused, cheated on, etc, is the from Nafs Al Ammarah (animal self) and from the remnants of past human history. In the past (I'm talking maybe 3 to 4,000 years ago) most people lived in small tribes of hunter / gatherers who moved about the landscape, they didn't have a permanent home. They traveled around looking for animals to hunt or plants to gather and this is how they survived. In that type of environment, the most important thing was for a women to be with a man who was physically strong so he could protect her and her children from wild animals and from other people, as the situation was very insecure. So a women looked for a man who she perceived had this physical strength and ability to protect her and her children, and all the other things (religion, aklaq, morals, etc) were very secondary to being able to protect her, physically, and this is why the religion was different at that time. 

In the situation where most of us live now, i.e. in cities or towns around large groups of people and in countries with laws, governments, etc, the priorities are different. Being able to protect one's spouse, physically, is still important in certain situations, but it is not the 'most important thing' the overrides all other considerations, anymore. Islam came to show us how to live in these type of conditions that we now find ourselves in, and this is why emphasis is placed on deen and aklaq (for choosing a spouse) over physical strength / apparent masculinity, i.e. machismo. At the same time, in most women there is still a part of their brain that craves this remnant of the past life, which is an echo of history. So many men know this and exploit it, and this is called a brain hack, in order to get what they want. 

 

Edited October 7, 2022 by Abu Hadi

[rkazmi33]

I have to disagree with @Abu Hadi! Incels are the ones who react badly to getting rejected. Men, who are successful, don't make it an ego problem when they get rejected. I have proof from psychology. 

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/people-bounce-back-being-rejected-220004327.html

And I will add some more experiences of women with incels. There are very few men who can handle rejection gracefully. 

[Guest 12345]

16 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

I have to disagree with @Abu Hadi! Incels are the ones who react badly to getting rejected. Men, who are successful, don't make it an ego problem when they get rejected. I have proof from psychology.

I don't think that is always the case, there are some successful men that will react badly, ego driven, and there are some "involuntary celibate" men that won't - most Men are involuntary celibate, until otherwise.

Incels/Femcels seem to be a group of involuntary celibate individuals that have shifted the blame of their circumstance on the opposite gender.

[rkazmi33]

6 hours ago, Guest 12345 said:

I don't think that is always the case, there are some successful men that will react badly, ego driven, and there are some "involuntary celibate" men that won't - most Men are involuntary celibate, until otherwise.

Incels/Femcels seem to be a group of involuntary celibate individuals that have shifted the blame of their circumstance on the opposite gender.

Yes, you are right. I used the wrong words, there are successful men, who are ego driven, controlling and they make it an ego problem if they get rejected. I guess I was trying to say that when someone accepts the rejection gracefully, people assume that person is playboy, cheater, gets bored easily, which is wrong impression. I have seen religious men, who act like creepy stalkers, cannot accept rejection gracefully, make it their ego problem for YEARS and they justify their behavior by using the word "taqwa". Since they crossed a boundary, and had feelings for a woman, they must now marry that woman. Just because you had feelings doesn't mean that woman also had feelings and why should another person get punished for you having feelings or crossing boundaries? 

Edited October 9, 2022 by rkazmi33