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Guest Outofpatience

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Guest Outofpatience

I am a thirty one year old man. I still live with my parents. They have been trying to find a wife for me now for over 3 years but they only found two women and I was rejected because physically I was not their type. I am not fat, just have unattractive face.

I've given up now, it wasn't meant to be. I was wondering what the afterlife punishment for seeing an escort is? Is the punishment every time I see an escort, or is it just one punishment for multiple visits? Is the punishment less if I am single, or tried and failed to get married etc?

W.salaam

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Posted (edited)

Why is it that over 3 years they could only find 2 women? Are they able to get connected with masjids in larger cities that have more extensive matchmaking programs? Have you tried the online route?

As far as attractiveness, go to the gym, groom yourself well, take care of your skin, dress neatly, take care of yourself. Thats all a man can do, we don’t have makeup, but it makes a big difference. 

The sin for fornicating is counted against a person every time they commit the act. Yes it is less severe for a single person than a married one (lashes vs death penalty) but it is still one of the most major sins regardless. As a shia you have temporary marriage available to you, which is something to be grateful for, but don’t let that detract you from seeking permanent marriage.

Figure out what you’re doing wrong in your search for a wife, it’s mostly likely more than just your physical attractiveness.

 Without sounding like a jerk, and I mean no disrespect, why do you still live with your parents? Is it to care for them, because you don’t have the finances to move out, or because you are an overgrown man child? Genuine question, I’m not implying one way or the other, its just that this can be a factor.

Edited by Uni Student
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On 8/13/2022 at 1:32 PM, Guest Outofpatience said:

I am a thirty one year old man. I still live with my parents. They have been trying to find a wife for me now for over 3 years but they only found two women and I was rejected because physically I was not their type. I am not fat, just have unattractive face.

I've given up now, it wasn't meant to be. I was wondering what the afterlife punishment for seeing an escort is? Is the punishment every time I see an escort, or is it just one punishment for multiple visits? Is the punishment less if I am single, or tried and failed to get married etc?

W.salaam

Don't go for Escort. Don't do it. Please Don't do it. Don't Do it - Don't do it.  You will a trillion percentage regret it because you will end up, telling yourself What have i done?

God is seeing you whatever you do.  Don't let the whispers of Shaytan get better of you.

Shaytan is telling you, you have an excuse to commit this season and God's punishment will be light. Don't do it. Don't look for excuses to commit sins. Strengthen your faith. 

This is a test, Our patient is being tested. We're being tested. 

It's life, some of us maybe not meant to have a partner in this life regardless of how good of person we are. 

God will give you someone better in the afterlife. 

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30 minutes ago, Meedy said:
On 8/13/2022 at 7:32 PM, Guest Outofpatience said:

 

Don't go for Escort. Don't do it. Please Don't do it. Don't Do it - Don't do it.  You will a trillion percentage regret it because you will end up, telling yourself What have i done?

I agree. You will feel emptiness inside you and be filled with regret. 

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interesting, perhaps in the US, to be living with parents, its considered to be "out of the norm".

whereas in certain parts of asia/europe, it is completely normal. some chip in for the household expenses etc, some don't, really depend on the financial status of the family members. also, the woman has a voice, she can have certain requests that you both can agree upon; where to stay after marriage, or if the parents need a caregiver etc. that's beside the point.

to the OP, there's nothing wrong not being married at 31 or 32 or 39 or even at 45. And don't beat yourself by saying "not fat just have unattractive face".  I mean, SO WHAT? The right person will come. Yeah she is basically stuck in traffic, so while waiting for her to come, just do your everyday things. better. Being genuinely happy inside is far better and a peace of mind than just getting married for the sake of it. Nothing wrong there though.

Also, don't go there .Yes, it is tempting and you may try to justify your reasons unless you want to experience emptiness/lousiness/regret/frustration/despair in an instant.

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) ease your affairs.

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There is a lack of single women where I live, apart from that I don't think it's something I'm doing wrong, it's just a numbers game unfortunately. 
I already look after my appearance and I have a job, I know how to be independent. 

I get that some people don't ever find a woman but I have many years left (assuming I have a normal lifespan) and strong desires so eventually something is going to crack lol. Let's be honest, trying to pray and fast away all these desires for the rest of my life is unrealistic and It. Does. Not. Work.

I can guarantee you every guy that has ever posted on here about fighting these kinds of desires knows deep down, all this fasting and dua advice doesn't really work.

i know this is a religious website but really the question I wanted to ask has been answered - re punishment. thanks

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I mean, three years of waiting, I don't think I'm being hasty lol. I gave it a chance. Enough is enough.
Apps and all those horrible inventions are a complete and utter waste of time. Chats that lead to nowhere, ghosting, unserious people, people wanting an ego boost and nothing more, people that get offended at the drop of a hat, nobody willing to go to the next level. Waste of time. 

Anybody reading my post that has gone down that path knows exactly what I am talking about.

sick of mindgames and all that stuff lol. Just want to get it over and done with now and finally become a man

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1 hour ago, Guest Outofpatience said:

 

sick of mindgames and all that stuff lol. Just want to get it over and done with now and finally become a man

Fulfilling it through haram means doesn't make person a man. A person is not burdened more than they can bear There are many people that were tenacious. However I'm not minimising your struggle, I know its difficult. In the worst case scenario, God Forbid, if you feel you are going to gravitate towards prostitution and you won't stop yourself, then you could try doing a mutah with a jewish woman or christian woman through a dating app, of course you need to also make sure you follow the islamic law here correctly and read the rulings of your marja. Bad solution but its better than sinning through mutah. If you have to resort to the mutah to save yourself from sin, its wajib upon you to do it. 
"
Apps and all those horrible inventions are a complete and utter waste of time. Chats that lead to nowhere, ghosting, unserious people, people wanting an ego boost and nothing more, people that get offended at the drop of a hat, nobody willing to go to the next level. Waste of time. "

 

yes maybe, but one thing you could try is from the very start ask for the wali, or at least after the first convo ask for the wali(father of the girl), this way you can weed out the ones who are generally not serious. 

As was already said, you're going to feel empty and filled with regret, right now you have a high sexual drive and therefore it clouds your thoughts, but once you're done you will feel a lot of regret for it. 

Are you in a sexualised environment, what do you watch, is it content that could increase your sex drive. Have you tried training the mind to not think about sex through mindfulness. 

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6 hours ago, Guest Outofpatience said:

There is a lack of single women where I live, apart from that I don't think it's something I'm doing wrong, it's just a numbers game unfortunately. 

Is it possible to move to a city with more Muslims? Dearborn, London, New York, etc

6 hours ago, Guest Outofpatience said:

i already look after my appearance and I have a job, I know how to be independent. 

This is good 

2 hours ago, Guest Outofpatience said:

Just want to get it over and done with now and finally become a man

as stated above if you really need to have sex, you need to find an christian or jew to do mutah with. an escort is not an option

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Posted (edited)

Is there a community where is a sheik that might provide some help.

E.g. He may have various connections that might be able to assist in finding a potential spouse

Edited by Meedy
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On 8/13/2022 at 1:32 PM, Guest Outofpatience said:

I am a thirty one year old man. I still live with my parents. They have been trying to find a wife for me now for over 3 years but they only found two women and I was rejected because physically I was not their type. I am not fat, just have unattractive face.

I've given up now, it wasn't meant to be. I was wondering what the afterlife punishment for seeing an escort is? Is the punishment every time I see an escort, or is it just one punishment for multiple visits? Is the punishment less if I am single, or tried and failed to get married etc?

W.salaam

Like others have said, don't see an escort. This is either haram or extremely makrooh (very close to haram) depending on which marjaa' you follow. So it is either forbidden by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) or hated by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), both are bad. That should be enough to stop you from doing that. If that's not enough then you should know that an escort doesn't care about you at all, they are only there for your money, and many hundreds or maybe thousands of other guys have put their '....' where you are planning to put yours. 

If you feel your face is ugly, there are two options. 

First, you could keep looking and eventually you will find a women who isn't so caught up in the Instagram world and doesn't compare your face to every celebrity she is following online. There are women like that out there, still. 

Second, there is cosmetic surgery, procedures. Yes, men do these and they are getting cheaper now. Botox, rhinoplasty (a nose job), even jaw line reconstruction, etc. Since you are living with your parents, and I am assuming you are working since you want to get married, I would save up money to get these procedures done. Make sure you get a competent doctor who has a verifiable track record of success in doing the procedure you are wanting to do. Why I don't recommend cosmetic surgery / procedures as a first option is because, 1) they are expensive and 2) you are putting your life/health/future in the hands of the doctor who is doing the procedure. If he / she is incompetent, not skilled, etc you will suffer for the rest of your life or you might actually die. So if you are going to do this, get the best doctor you can find, even if they are more expensive. Salam. 

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On 8/13/2022 at 8:32 PM, Guest Outofpatience said:

I am a thirty one year old man. I still live with my parents. They have been trying to find a wife for me now for over 3 years but they only found two women and I was rejected because physically I was not their type. I am not fat, just have unattractive face.

I've given up now, it wasn't meant to be. I was wondering what the afterlife punishment for seeing an escort is? Is the punishment every time I see an escort, or is it just one punishment for multiple visits? Is the punishment less if I am single, or tried and failed to get married etc?

W.salaam

 

if you don't find yourself attractive, nobody else will.

No matter how you believe you look, you must find it appealing in order for others to find it appealing, because your thoughts will be expressed through your signals such as body language. In terms of spouse selection, women do not think like males, thus appearance is not the most important aspect.

Be confident in your appearance and own what you've got.

Cosmetic surgery is not something I would advise since it could further impair your self-confidence and before you know it, you could turn into Ken the doll.

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I whole hearteadly advise you to not ever be with an escort. I have. There is nothing more I regret in my life than having been with an escort not because of the escort but because of the degeneracy of it and what it led me on to in life. I would never ever recommend it for anyone, especially not someone who is a muslim. Whatever punishment you will receive in akhirah should not even be your main concern because your actions will lead to your own demise if you go forth with it and if you end up regretting it and wanting to fix your mistake however well you can fix it, it will be hard and it will be costly. The only thing I wish in life is that I hadn't done it- I don't even wish for riches or anything. Know that taking this step you will walk to take another step and all will be in direction of the devil astaghfurallah.

Find solace with Allah in your loneliness and dark times and inshallah if meant to be you will find a wife, if not may you be strong enough to resist the devils temptations and stay pure for whatever it is your meant to.

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On 8/15/2022 at 8:27 PM, Guest Outofpatience said:

Let's be honest, trying to pray and fast away all these desires for the rest of my life is unrealistic and It. Does. Not. Work.

I can guarantee you every guy that has ever posted on here about fighting these kinds of desires knows deep down, all this fasting and dua advice doesn't really work.

Astaghfurallah. You are already deeply misguided. I have struggled with heavy addictions of multiple substances as well as sexual ones and have alhamdullilah by the grace of Allah been saved from them slowly but surely. I have suffered A LOT and I mean A LOT, perhaps more than you ever could imagine or more than you ever could believe is possible but allah has eased the path for me. If not for Allah I would be commiting acts of zina and doing drugs right now just so I wouldn't feel any pain nor have any care about anything.

If you wish to beat your addictions and desires that corrupt your soul and mind it is wholly possible but it is no easy feat, even I today struggle- everyday is a struggle but there is nothing more beautiful than Jihad against yourself.

In the end, no matter what you decide to do, your actions will be accounted for and you will reap what you sow whether it be in dunya or in the afterlife.

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Asalam Alaykum brother , seek lots of forgiveness as one man had situation he couldnt have a child until he did deep istighfar and then he was able to have a child for a while and try your best to everyday reading Surah Yaseen  , Surah Waqiah Surah Furqan , Surah Muzzamil , Surah Rahman , and Surah Annur everyday and get up for tahajjud and make dua for marriage . There is a dua in the end of Surah Furqan " Our Lord , bestow upon us wives and offspring that will be the comfort of our eyes and give us the grace to lead them " read this dua everyday . Most and so much more importantly seek . These surahs are known to help you marry and become enriched. Go on google.com and search namaz istighfar duas.org and learn namaz of seeking forgiveness . Use that website for all your needs www.duas.org . You could read Dua Mashlool or Dua Yastasheer to help you marry .  If you cant learn them then just pray 2-5 or even 6 or 10 rakat namaz istighfar . Try doing namaz istighfar everyday . Try Salatul Jaffar Tayyar for seeking forgiveness and fulfillment of desires and needs . You can learn on www.duas.org . Try go on google and type in namaz of masomeen and the first result that says www.duas.org click on it. It will show you the namaz of Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) and Imams . Try to learn how to do them which for Namaz of Prophet Muhammad we must learn Surah Qadr to do it . All sins are forgiven and needs fulfilled . You can try namaz of Imam Ali which you will need to know Surah Tawheed . All sins are forgiven and desires are fulfilled . These are things you can do to fix your problem . If you want to talk , give me email at alarmtech234@yahoo.com . Thank you so much asalam alaykum

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Also no amount of Zina will ever be satisfactory and can never be compared to a loving relationship- it will do you nothing of value truly, only momentarily pleasure that you will end up degenerately chasing like a dog chasing its tail.

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Brother you will die extremely early and be damned permanently for the rest of this life and next life f you do commit zina . Lower your gaze and get women so far away off your mind completely  Brother , don't ever come near zina  and do not come near women who isn't your wife , your mom , your aunties . Stay away from your female cousins and don't talk to them . Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) said it's better to get stuck by hammer than to shake hands with a female. God says in Holy Quran " Do not come near zina " .  Immediately everyday read and listen to Surah Annur and Surah Takathur , Surah Muminoon , Surah Hajj everyday a lot to protect you from zina . Brother there was a man from Saudi Arabia who committed zina at a party in london when he was a student and he shortly after he died very soon even though he repented so much always and left his school. We don't know how bad he will be punished . Brother there was a story of a righteous muslim who literally was so close to Allah he was a spiritual healer . So a girls parents had given their daughter for him to heal her maybe with ruqyah and what happened they were both alone in a room and they both ended up committing zina and after that he as a person who shortly before was a friend of Allah , he killed her so her parents wouldn't find out what he did and then after he was in the public and he started worshipping shaytaan and he died in the worship of shaytaan shortly . Imams said that committing zina will shorten your life and make you go to hell. 

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Brother before you ruin your life and end up dying early and in the terrible punishment of the grave , immediately get women off your mind and lower your gaze , and fear death  start reading and listening Surah Annur , Surah Takathur , Surah Muminoon everyday . zina will make you die early as we have seen it in todays life and the imams have said this and they also said they will be severely punished and their sustenance in this life will go down very short. The punishment in the grave is the worst punishment that is too extremely bad . Dont do something that you can't reverse and you ruin your imaan and your relationship with God and become so sad , depressed and scared . Either get married or be extremely ascetic understanding God says in The Holy Quran that this world is a jail for the believers and the disbelievers paradise . Youre not getting the woman you want because you still have elements of willingness to do zina . Until you fulfill your promise to Allah guranteed you don't do zina no matter what , than Allah will not give you a woman . Read Surah Annur and Surah Takathur everyday to protect you from sinning

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8 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Like others have said, don't see an escort. This is either haram or extremely makrooh (very close to haram) depending on which marjaa' you follow. So it is either forbidden by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) or hated by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), both are bad.

just to clarify, I think you meant seeing an escort and doing a mutah with the escort, because an escort without mutah is haram in every situation. 

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Salam, please brother try reading suhra rehman for 40 days. Make sure you dont miss a day. If you cant, ask your mother to read it. With the intention to find a wife. Inshallah things will work out for you.

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On 8/16/2022 at 3:12 PM, VoidVortex said:

just to clarify, I think you meant seeing an escort and doing a mutah with the escort, because an escort without mutah is haram in every situation. 

Yes, doing Mutah with an escort. 

 

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I hope you find the best spouse. I am sure you are as beautiful as the rest. Don't minimize your beauty. There are so many people with good faces but black hearts. Please be positive. You should search more, just think of it as your part-time job, after your full-time job.  Join muslim clubs, even non-muslim clubs, you might find a beautiful revert. 

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On 8/15/2022 at 11:27 PM, Guest Outofpatience said:

I can guarantee you every guy that has ever posted on here about fighting these kinds of desires knows deep down, all this fasting and dua advice doesn't really work.

I understand what you are saying. In fact, we see that whenever there is some Islamic discussion anywhere on the topic of early marriages, it is always said that sexual urge is a basic human need and it must be fulfilled as soon as possible, otherwise it will lead to sins. A lot of stress is put on getting married at young ages because it is stated that sexual desire cannot be suppressed for a long time and it just needs to be fulfilled.

Sexual urge is often compared to hunger and thirst. Scholars say that just like a thirsty person cannot be asked to not drink water, a young man cannot be asked to not have sex. So young men should, at all cost get married early - otherwise they will have no option other than fulfilling the desires by falling into sins. Basically, early marriage is promoted by saying that either you get married early...or you will just end up falling into sins (as the third  option, i.e stay chaste without marriage is not a natural or practical solution in long term). 

But the question is..we have to see what the Islamic law states. Does Islamic law actually agree that if someone cannot get married for a long time, then he cannot be expected to go on staying chaste for years and years?

Does Islamic law give any specific time period for a man to get married?.... and if he hasn't been able to get married by that time, does the law then allow him to commit some sexual sins (on the basis that it is unnatural for a young man to go on suppressing sexual desire endlessly)?

Of course the answer is "No". So then what does the law actually demand from unmarried men? The answer as per my understanding is that the law states that irrespective of how long a man has to stay unmarried / is forced to stay unmarried...he must continue to go on suppressing his sexual desire, even if it takes years or decades or even his entire life. 

So, even if a man is compelled to stay unmarried for a very, very long time...for example a decade or even longer, he would still not be permitted by Islamic law to fulfill his sexual desire even a single time during this entire period. If he does commit any sexual sin, even if it is a single lustful gaze, he would be considered a sinner, a culprit and someone who has excessive sexual desire, someone who has crossed the boundary, crossing the limit set by Allah. That's because he was expected and required to suppress his sexual desire to such an extent, that he shouldn't have sinned in the first place. Of course, Allah forgives the sins (but the sinner is still a sinner as he has done something which he wasnt supposed to do). 

From this, what I understand is...that even though sexual desire is a basic human need and must be fulfilled at early ages, so that the man doesn't commit any sin.....yet, at the same time, when a person has to stay unmarried for years or decades, he cannot give any valid reason or justification or excuse to fall into sins. That is because Islamic law expects that he should be able to curb his desire to such an extremely low level, that he doesn't commit any sin at all. 

We also know that Allah is so merciful that He doesn't test anyone with a burden greater than what be can carry. This means that if a person is unable to get married for a long time, and at some point he commits some sexual sin, he cannot justify it by claiming that the burden of staying chaste was too big for him. Rather, the law implies that even if a man is in a situation in which he somehow ends up staying unmarried all his life, despite trying to get married, he still must at all cost stay absolutely celibate all his life as not even a single sin will be permitted to him at any time in his life. 

This means that in fact sexual desire is something which can be fully and completely suppressed to the lowest point, because otherwise Islam wouldn't have required unmarried men to stay celibate. 

This is my understanding and it could be wrong. I'm not myself claiming any holier than thou thing here...I'm not a sexually sinless person. I'm not sexually infallible....but I'm just giving an opinion on what I understand from the Islamic law regarding sexual desire and it's fullfilment by Haram and halal means. 

That's why I am not too fond of the way some scholars promote early marriages by warning young men that if they don't get married early, they will simply end up sinning sooner or later..... because Islam doesn't say this. Rather it says that if you cannot get married, then don't even go near sin at all (don't even think about sinning....) And this is irrespective of how long one must stay unmarried. 

If anyone disagrees with my understanding of Islamic law, I'll be happy to stand corrected if my thinking is flawed (in that case, would you say that Islamic law allows any unmarried person to sin after the expiry of a certain length of time, on the bases that sexual desire cannot be supressed endlessly?)

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