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In the Name of God بسم الله

Please pray for me and give me advice

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Guest AdmiringDeath

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Guest AdmiringDeath

I'm a male in university. My father has worked very hard in his life and was orphaned at an early age leaving his mother to take care of him only, meaning my grandmother. My grandmother for whatever reason had been very cruel to my mother and her family directly, through my paternal aunt, and through my father by influencing him. My mother is an ailing woman who has been patient her whole marriage despite being regularly hit early in The marriage and to this day being verbally abused. She has survived suicide attempts and miscarriages. My father has terrible anger issues and he often refuses to admit he's wrong, and when he does, he says that he can't change because he's too old. His words always sting, he uses that kind of speech in verbal abuse. Three days before this Ashura of 1444 Hijri he fought with my mother over some little thing and since then he's been fighting with her and me and my younger sibling over things. Tonight out of a lack of patience I told him that he was causing me a lot of pain especially because he refuses to be kind during this period of mourning, and this turned into an argument with him and then he dragged my mother in, saying that it was her bad upbringing that caused me to argue even though as always the whole time she told me to leave it and told me to be patient. I was wrong for not listening to her. That's my fault for sure. My mother as a result started crying and fighting verbally with my father with fair arguments regarding abuse she has faced and my father retaliated with stinging words refusing to admit to his faults and that of his grandmother. It all ended with me begging my mother specifically to forgive me for not listening to her and begging her to abandon me as she's the only one I got, since because of being exposed to so much negativity from my father throughout my childhood I am not as attached to him but of course I still love him but I love my mother more because she's been patient and she deserves it for all the abuse she has taken for 25+ years.

That's the summary. 

I'm Shia Muslim. Twelver. Usuli. Doing taqleed of Sayyid Sistani. I'm Pakistani.

What do I do. Why can't things be normal. I even prayed these 10 days of Muharram for things to be okay in the family but my prayer is not answered. I'm afraid my mother might consider suicide as she's in an awful state and my father doesn't care. I'm also afraid my father might do something stupid as well. I'm also afraid my younger sibling  might do something stupid as he witnessed all of this. What do I do. What do I do? Please pray for me.

At this point I just want to die so that I don't need to deal with this anymore and maybe then my father will realize his faults and work on them and maybe then my younger sibling would have a better life with a better father and better treated mother.

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Unfortunately people with such anger issues, cruelty and the inability to see their own faults are typically not prone to repenting and changing themselves. 

There are different approaches possible,  some more confrontational than others. 

The peaceful approach is to avoid arguments or detailed discussions with him. Just keep the communication basic and simple, and hopefully this will help to maintain a more peaceful environment for your mother.

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On 8/9/2022 at 2:45 PM, Guest AdmiringDeath said:

I'm a male in university. My father has worked very hard in his life and was orphaned at an early age leaving his mother to take care of him only, meaning my grandmother. My grandmother for whatever reason had been very cruel to my mother and her family directly, through my paternal aunt, and through my father by influencing him. My mother is an ailing woman who has been patient her whole marriage despite being regularly hit early in The marriage and to this day being verbally abused. She has survived suicide attempts and miscarriages. My father has terrible anger issues and he often refuses to admit he's wrong, and when he does, he says that he can't change because he's too old. His words always sting, he uses that kind of speech in verbal abuse. Three days before this Ashura of 1444 Hijri he fought with my mother over some little thing and since then he's been fighting with her and me and my younger sibling over things. Tonight out of a lack of patience I told him that he was causing me a lot of pain especially because he refuses to be kind during this period of mourning, and this turned into an argument with him and then he dragged my mother in, saying that it was her bad upbringing that caused me to argue even though as always the whole time she told me to leave it and told me to be patient. I was wrong for not listening to her. That's my fault for sure. My mother as a result started crying and fighting verbally with my father with fair arguments regarding abuse she has faced and my father retaliated with stinging words refusing to admit to his faults and that of his grandmother. It all ended with me begging my mother specifically to forgive me for not listening to her and begging her to abandon me as she's the only one I got, since because of being exposed to so much negativity from my father throughout my childhood I am not as attached to him but of course I still love him but I love my mother more because she's been patient and she deserves it for all the abuse she has taken for 25+ years.

That's the summary. 

I'm Shia Muslim. Twelver. Usuli. Doing taqleed of Sayyid Sistani. I'm Pakistani.

What do I do. Why can't things be normal. I even prayed these 10 days of Muharram for things to be okay in the family but my prayer is not answered. I'm afraid my mother might consider suicide as she's in an awful state and my father doesn't care. I'm also afraid my father might do something stupid as well. I'm also afraid my younger sibling  might do something stupid as he witnessed all of this. What do I do. What do I do? Please pray for me.

At this point I just want to die so that I don't need to deal with this anymore and maybe then my father will realize his faults and work on them and maybe then my younger sibling would have a better life with a better father and better treated mother.

My dear brother - you can look at this miserable situation as the end of the world OR use it as an opportunity to help your family and in turn yourself.

Be the tie that binds your family together. Each of your family members may be going through different issues that is coming out with differing emotions - anger, sadness , hopelessness, etc. Spend time with each of them individually to see how you can help them and as you start solving their individual problems, they will stop taking things out on each other.

I pray that your family situation gets better inshallah.

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Guest Duas

Salamu Alaikum, I'm really sad to hear what you're going through. I think you should listen to your Mom. It doesn't look like your Dad has any intention or desire to change, that's the way he is. He probably has mental issues from being an orphan and having to work hard. So don't think he's making all of these bad decisions with a reasonable mind like yours, his brain works differently and is probably stunted or insane.

He physically is incapable of understanding taking blame or trying to see how he's wrong, from his perspective you and your mom are the bad guys and his reactions are perfectly reasonable responses.

I like your Mom's approach. Approach him like he's a 14 year old. Know where his buttons are and don't push them. I really can't stress this enough: He is a teenager with anger issues and you need to deal with him like one. I'm not saying this to insult your father, but this really is the state of some 50 year old men.

Don't try to change him. Learn where his buttons are and don't push them.

I knew a man who was kind of like your father who would argue with his wife about the stupidest smallest things, like fish, dates, figs, etc. One time a fig said made in America and he argued with her that it wasn't. And in conflicts he never apologizes or at least admits he's wrong. And just like your father he was also an orphan.

Their behavior is childish. But not like you and me being grown-ups acting immaturely, the difference is that some of the programs they have in their heads literally have not gotten an update since childhood. Have you ever argued with a child? Do you think they would not scream? Do you think they would ever admit they're wrong? No chance, and your father is the same. Only issue is he has the body of an adult now and people get hurt.

I wouldn't blame him too much, because his head is not like yours or your mother's. Try to keep him calm, and stay patient. May Allah help you, and don't think about death please. He would blame your mother.

May Allah bless you and resolve your problem.

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Your old man is a bully. He's always been a bully. Bullies turn in to miserable old men.
He doesn't know how to compliment. He's probably never gotten a compliment, nor encouragement. 

He depends on his anger to keep everyone in line. Nobody ever knows what that line is.
If he's never said anything worthwhile, why do you still listen and take it to heart? 
You need to get to a point where his words fall short of your emotions. Once you are out of his emotional control he will lose power.
Yes, just once you'd like your father to approve of you but it won't happen until you can stand up for yourself.

Killing yourself to teach him a lesson would be the dumbest out. He would only add that to the stack he uses against your mother. 
She is already ailing from stress. You'd have to take that to your grave.

You pray for everything to get better, maybe Allah waits on you to make that change.

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Posted (edited)
On 8/9/2022 at 3:45 PM, Guest AdmiringDeath said:

I'm a male in university. My father has worked very hard in his life and was orphaned at an early age leaving his mother to take care of him only, meaning my grandmother. My grandmother for whatever reason had been very cruel to my mother and her family directly, through my paternal aunt, and through my father by influencing him. My mother is an ailing woman who has been patient her whole marriage despite being regularly hit early in The marriage and to this day being verbally abused. She has survived suicide attempts and miscarriages. My father has terrible anger issues and he often refuses to admit he's wrong, and when he does, he says that he can't change because he's too old. His words always sting, he uses that kind of speech in verbal abuse. Three days before this Ashura of 1444 Hijri he fought with my mother over some little thing and since then he's been fighting with her and me and my younger sibling over things. Tonight out of a lack of patience I told him that he was causing me a lot of pain especially because he refuses to be kind during this period of mourning, and this turned into an argument with him and then he dragged my mother in, saying that it was her bad upbringing that caused me to argue even though as always the whole time she told me to leave it and told me to be patient. I was wrong for not listening to her. That's my fault for sure. My mother as a result started crying and fighting verbally with my father with fair arguments regarding abuse she has faced and my father retaliated with stinging words refusing to admit to his faults and that of his grandmother. It all ended with me begging my mother specifically to forgive me for not listening to her and begging her to abandon me as she's the only one I got, since because of being exposed to so much negativity from my father throughout my childhood I am not as attached to him but of course I still love him but I love my mother more because she's been patient and she deserves it for all the abuse she has taken for 25+ years.

That's the summary. 

I'm Shia Muslim. Twelver. Usuli. Doing taqleed of Sayyid Sistani. I'm Pakistani.

What do I do. Why can't things be normal. I even prayed these 10 days of Muharram for things to be okay in the family but my prayer is not answered. I'm afraid my mother might consider suicide as she's in an awful state and my father doesn't care. I'm also afraid my father might do something stupid as well. I'm also afraid my younger sibling  might do something stupid as he witnessed all of this. What do I do. What do I do? Please pray for me.

At this point I just want to die so that I don't need to deal with this anymore and maybe then my father will realize his faults and work on them and maybe then my younger sibling would have a better life with a better father and better treated mother.

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you, 

I think almost everyone has gotten to a point in their life where they feel that continuing to live is no longer 'worth it' and that death would be better than life. The cause of this is a 'hyper focus' on the present and the particular circumstances that you are dealing with, which are a test in order to prepare you for other things that will happen later in your life and teach you how to deal with them. They are not meant to make you lose hope and give up, although it might feel that way sometimes. 

Ending your own life is kuffar (disbelief in Allah(s.w.a)), which is why the punishment for it is so grave. It is kuffar because there are so many times that it says in the Holy Quran (in so many different ways) The mercy of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will reach you and is just around the corner, and with every difficulty there comes ease. If you take you own life, what you are saying to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is 'I know you said those things but I don't believe you, i.e. I think you are lying (astaghfirAllah)'. This is kuffar since disbelieving in the Mercy of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is disbelieving in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) entirely and there is no way to repent from it since repentance is only accepted when you are alive and by killing yourself you close the door to repentance for yourself. 

My advice is that first, count your blessings. Think of all the things that you have that are Rahma from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Alhamduillah, you have a family, i.e. a mother and a father. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has given you the opportunity to attend University and InShahAllah you will have a better life in the future as a result of having this opportunity which most young people don't have. You still have your Iman and your love for Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)), which are gifts many times more valuable than the previous ones I listed. You probably have many other things which other brothers and sisters in different parts of the world who are reading this don't have. 

If you find the environment at home to be too toxic and this is affecting your mental health, etc, you should figure out a way to live somewhere else. I was in a similar situation with my family after I accepted Islam (I am a revert, btw) and I was in University. I had to rent a room from a couple who lived near campus for a while, as I didn't have enough money to afford to get an apartment. It was not an ideal situation (living in someone's house that was a stranger) but it was a step up from where I was. After I left my families house, I could get a better perspective on the situation and my relationship with my family actually improved. This is something you might try. Maybe other brothers and sisters have other solutions, but the main point is don't ever give up hope on the Mercy of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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Guest Yellow

Brother try reading ziarat ashura everyday. And do dua. watch with the tawasul of imam hussain how things miraculously change for the better.

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