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In the Name of God بسم الله

Heart broken after breakdown in marriage (would appreciate female views)

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Guest Adsy

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Guest Adsy

Salam to all,

I am writing this because in my current moment in life, i feel very heartbroken. This is also the most difficult period i have ever had in my life, and i regularly wake up with a lot of anxiety. I have my family here to help me. I would appreciate all help on how to process this all, and whether i am right to feel as hurt as i do. Men can feel free to answer, but i would also appreciate the view points of any women here. I will admit, we did not follow the best halal course early on - and this is a learning point. Allah is the real center of all, and the only one who remains when everyone else leaves.

The story:

I am Shia and i met a Shia woman 10 months ago.  We are both over 20 just for context and both have working careers. My intentions were sincere - i wanted to find a life partner for marriage and i wanted to make sure this person truly suited me and matched me well, and that with her, i felt content and ready to build a life after getting to know her well.  Initially, she didn't have much attraction towards me because i was wearing a mask and not being fully me, as she mentioned really preferring me over the phone when i was more me.

After the second date, we met up a third time and things started to go much better and it really seemed as though we clicked. By the fourth date, we went to a park and had a picnic together. We got on so well, that by the fifth date, she told me the dates we were spending at the park were some of the best days she has ever had in her life. By date eight/nine four months into knowing each other, we started to realize over the last one or two dates, we had held hands and kissed, and that this was not the right thing to do.  

Around this time, we each told each other we were soulmates for one another. She told me she was sure about me and truly loved me. She then suggested Mutah to make it all halal, and i suggested that given how serious we were, to buy her a ring and also go ahead with this.  The time came when we said our vows, when she wore the diamond ring, and when i felt wow, she is truly committed. The Mutah was conditional based on the verdict of scholars who allow it without a gaurdian providing a woman is independent and there is no intercourse.

Over the next few months up to January, i would regularly go to her place, and we would spend the night together. We would do everything except the one thing that was not allowed.  During this time, i helped her with interview practice and got her into another establishment and really supported her. She would regularly tell me how deeply she missed me, how much she loved me. She would call me on my shifts, when i worked late, there was a lot of support.

While i was there, i do remember her mother calling and not wanting me to be with her. Her mother did not know the full details but she did not want someone not of her own race. However her and i agreed that her mother might say this all, but her mother admitted her dad would likely accept me and he was the decision maker. We went to Kew gardens, winter wonderland, the shard several times, and spent the whole winter together. 

And then, towards the end of January we went out one day, and she seemed so off. She then proceeded over the next few days when i went to her place, to break the news to me that this was her first relationship, she didn't know if this is what she wanted and she was unsure about everything. We then somehow got through this period, and met up and things started to feel normal again, she talks about us going on a honeymoon, us being happy, how much she loves me.

Until i met with her the Saturday before the last one. 

She told me she needed space. A few days later , in the cold i go out to talk to her, and she tells me she knows i might find this all sudden, but she just had this feeling of uncertainty when it came to me, and wanted to break up for good, and this was her final decision, and that there was nothing more i could say or do.  She also said her mum had done sihr on me, and that even though Shias do not believe this causes harm, she was not willing to fight for me, even if her dad would accept. 

What i told her:

How could you tell someone you truly loved them and that they were your soul mate, get a ring, sleep with them regularly, allow a man to be intimate with you, convince him you are committed, and then ten months down the line, tell him that you are actually unsure and had love for him but were not in love with him. She told me she thought she was sincere but did not think about it deeply enough but at the time maybe felt alone/vulnerable living in her apartment and got comfortable with me.

Can anyone help explain this to me? How could a woman do this? 

How could two people who have the same world view, same life plan, complementary careers, support one another, can talk to each other for hours, have emotional and physical chemistry, not have enough to have made a marriage work? Most people don't even have that before marriage. If she truly thought i had little going for me, would she have even gone that far? I have a good career, most of my qualities match a long term thinking partner.

I just feel so heartbroken. I go to work expecting her voice notes in the morning. I go on my break often expecting her to call me. Real life just feels so bizarre to me know, and everything feels depersonalized and like a shock.  

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1 hour ago, Guest Adsy said:

Can anyone help explain this to me? How could a woman do this? 

Probably she had doubts for a long time,  but kept them hidden until she was certain.  

Or very likely she doesn't want to upset her mother. A mother's happiness is very important. 

Some say that the feeling of "being in love" fades over time, but I don't know anything about it. I know about loving, but not about "being in love".

Hang in there. This, too, shall pass. May you find a partner whose devotion to you is unfailing, and yours to her the same.  

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I agree with @notme, it sounds like she had doubts for a very long time but maybe ignored them. She also clearly let you know why she didn't want to continue:

12 hours ago, Guest Adsy said:

She told me she thought she was sincere but did not think about it deeply enough but at the time maybe felt alone/vulnerable living in her apartment and got comfortable with me.

You're in the grieving process but you will get over this inshAllah. Just know that if she was the right one for you then she would have fought for your relationship. Some people just aren't meant to be in our lives for the long-term. Take this as a learning experience and try your best to forget about her. Usually once women leave, they don't come back. 

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13 hours ago, notme said:

Probably she had doubts for a long time,  but kept them hidden until she was certain.  

Or very likely she doesn't want to upset her mother. A mother's happiness is very important. 

Some say that the feeling of "being in love" fades over time, but I don't know anything about it. I know about loving, but not about "being in love".

Hang in there. This, too, shall pass. May you find a partner whose devotion to you is unfailing, and yours to her the same.  

 

3 hours ago, karbalaii said:

I agree with @notme, it sounds like she had doubts for a very long time but maybe ignored them. She also clearly let you know why she didn't want to continue:

You're in the grieving process but you will get over this inshAllah. Just know that if she was the right one for you then she would have fought for your relationship. Some people just aren't meant to be in our lives for the long-term. Take this as a learning experience and try your best to forget about her. Usually once women leave, they don't come back. 

 

Thank you for your thoughts and kind words

I really want to know about these doubts. When i spoke to her, she told me it was just a feeling, and she had no idea why she felt that way. I told her , if you meet someone and you aren't quite sure about them, or think they aren't a good match for you, normally you wouldn't let things progress.

But for someone to tell you that you're her soulmate, that she is sure about you, to go to the extent of getting a ring, doing a Mutah, sleeping together, having that emotional, physical, spiritual chemistry. To have your life views, goals, all aligned. 

It's just strange?

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3 hours ago, Guest Adsy said:

But for someone to tell you that you're her soulmate, that she is sure about you, to go to the extent of getting a ring, doing a Mutah, sleeping together, having that emotional, physical, spiritual chemistry. To have your life views, goals, all aligned. 

It's just strange?

She wanted it to be true. It is very unlikely that she was intentionally cruel, but it was wrong of her, nonetheless, and now you suffer the consequences. I've been very similar to her, when I was much younger and unwise. 

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3 hours ago, Guest Adsy said:

if you meet someone and you aren't quite sure about them, or think they aren't a good match for you, normally you wouldn't let things progress.

Not necessarily because she probably did like many things about you and thought you could be the one, but with time she realized or became sure that this was not quite right for her and she had to make a final decision. It seemed abrupt for you but was probably in her mind for awhile. She is probably going through a rough time with this breakup as well. 

InshaAllah you will get through this with time and find someone better. 

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10 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

Not necessarily because she probably did like many things about you and thought you could be the one, but with time she realized or became sure that this was not quite right for her and she had to make a final decision. It seemed abrupt for you but was probably in her mind for awhile. She is probably going through a rough time with this breakup as well. 

InshaAllah you will get through this with time and find someone better. 

 

35 minutes ago, notme said:

She wanted it to be true. It is very unlikely that she was intentionally cruel, but it was wrong of her, nonetheless, and now you suffer the consequences. I've been very similar to her, when I was much younger and unwise. 

She mentioned being vulnerable and being in a place where things were difficult.

When two people want to get married, normally they don't even sleep together, many won't even hold hands and have the chance to do Mutah. Surely someone should have a good idea of who someone is and how they feel about them after 5-6 months especially if they live together?

And when they say things with conviction like you are my soul mate, you are the one for me, they should mean it. 

My aunt said if someone like her was truly deeply genuine, she would have seriously thought about this all earlier. Being in a difficult point in life is no excuse. And she said that if there were many things going right, like compatibility and physical and emotional chemistry, alignment of life goals, there should have been more than enough to know if you want someone and to work that marriage through. Many people marry for a lot less. To sit down and work things through and at least give a reason and find a way to go forward.

While there was no true malicious intent, she admitted not thinking deeply and seriously. But what woman does that and then sleeps with a guy? You should sit down and deeply think about this and not lead someone on.

In terms of wanting it to be true, if she deeply and genuinely did want that, she would have thought about it seriously and communicated and addressed things.

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15 minutes ago, Guest Adsy said:

But what woman does that and then sleeps with a guy? You should sit down and deeply think about this and not lead someone on.

In terms of wanting it to be true, if she deeply and genuinely did want that, she would have thought about it seriously and communicated and addressed things.

You are right. She was wrong. You have a right to feel hurt and angry. 

Time is a great healer. 

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1 hour ago, Guest Adsy said:

 

She mentioned being vulnerable and being in a place where things were difficult.

When two people want to get married, normally they don't even sleep together, many won't even hold hands and have the chance to do Mutah. Surely someone should have a good idea of who someone is and how they feel about them after 5-6 months especially if they live together?

And when they say things with conviction like you are my soul mate, you are the one for me, they should mean it. 

My aunt said if someone like her was truly deeply genuine, she would have seriously thought about this all earlier. Being in a difficult point in life is no excuse. And she said that if there were many things going right, like compatibility and physical and emotional chemistry, alignment of life goals, there should have been more than enough to know if you want someone and to work that marriage through. Many people marry for a lot less. To sit down and work things through and at least give a reason and find a way to go forward.

While there was no true malicious intent, she admitted not thinking deeply and seriously. But what woman does that and then sleeps with a guy? You should sit down and deeply think about this and not lead someone on.

In terms of wanting it to be true, if she deeply and genuinely did want that, she would have thought about it seriously and communicated and addressed things.

Yes someone mature would have thought through all of those things but it sounds like maybe she is immature and not thinking things through. I have done immature things before and didnt think things through. Everything happens for a reason though and one day you will see the wisdom in going through this heartbreak. You will become stronger and wiser for it inshaAllah. Take time to heal and do some self care and confide in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). He put this trial in your life and knows the pain you bear, but like a parent, only puts you through temporary difficulty for your own good and betterment. Gold refined by fire. 

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Guest Youth

Usually when people marry someone, they marry themselves into a new family as well; I.e. her mother becomes your mother and her father becomes your father. See the bright side, be happy and content that Allah saved you. Her mother outright tried to do sihr on you. That action is vile and one of the most displeasing acts to Allah. Such individuals is only best to be avoided 

 

Since you welcomed brothers to comment on this incident as well, I figured I’d give my two cents. 
 

I’m of similar age and also in the process of searching for that right individual. Even though I haven’t found someone personally and have no “hands on experience”, I do like to think that I have a deeply analytical mindset and like to think pragmatically as I do sometimes study relationships around me, and so I can know what works and doesn’t and what should be avoided and what shouldn’t . As an advice from one brother to another, in the future try to avoid mutah contracts. Despite them being allowed within the Shia teachings, it is not the best option in most cases. The best method is to get to know each other without the mutah contract, preferably go out on dates with alongside with someone from her side as well. This will encourage permanent marriage and you’ll see that they’ll be forced to think of their decisions deeply beforehand rather than 6 months or 1 year into a mutah contract and then have a change of heart. I.e. you’ll most likely know their true intentions from the get go. 
 

Also, I don’t think that this needs to be said, but brother don’t fall into sin. Follow Allah’s path and be fearful of him. Allah’s mercy is that everything he has made forbidden for the believers is only good for them in this life and the next life if they avoid it. It is not just placed for no reason, just to test you. 

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Posted (edited)
On 3/29/2022 at 3:08 PM, Guest Adsy said:

Salam to all,

I am writing this because in my current moment in life, i feel very heartbroken. This is also the most difficult period i have ever had in my life, and i regularly wake up with a lot of anxiety. I have my family here to help me. I would appreciate all help on how to process this all, and whether i am right to feel as hurt as i do. Men can feel free to answer, but i would also appreciate the view points of any women here. I will admit, we did not follow the best halal course early on - and this is a learning point. Allah is the real center of all, and the only one who remains when everyone else leaves.

The story:

I am Shia and i met a Shia woman 10 months ago.  We are both over 20 just for context and both have working careers. My intentions were sincere - i wanted to find a life partner for marriage and i wanted to make sure this person truly suited me and matched me well, and that with her, i felt content and ready to build a life after getting to know her well.  Initially, she didn't have much attraction towards me because i was wearing a mask and not being fully me, as she mentioned really preferring me over the phone when i was more me.

After the second date, we met up a third time and things started to go much better and it really seemed as though we clicked. By the fourth date, we went to a park and had a picnic together. We got on so well, that by the fifth date, she told me the dates we were spending at the park were some of the best days she has ever had in her life. By date eight/nine four months into knowing each other, we started to realize over the last one or two dates, we had held hands and kissed, and that this was not the right thing to do.  

Around this time, we each told each other we were soulmates for one another. She told me she was sure about me and truly loved me. She then suggested Mutah to make it all halal, and i suggested that given how serious we were, to buy her a ring and also go ahead with this.  The time came when we said our vows, when she wore the diamond ring, and when i felt wow, she is truly committed. The Mutah was conditional based on the verdict of scholars who allow it without a gaurdian providing a woman is independent and there is no intercourse.

Over the next few months up to January, i would regularly go to her place, and we would spend the night together. We would do everything except the one thing that was not allowed.  During this time, i helped her with interview practice and got her into another establishment and really supported her. She would regularly tell me how deeply she missed me, how much she loved me. She would call me on my shifts, when i worked late, there was a lot of support.

While i was there, i do remember her mother calling and not wanting me to be with her. Her mother did not know the full details but she did not want someone not of her own race. However her and i agreed that her mother might say this all, but her mother admitted her dad would likely accept me and he was the decision maker. We went to Kew gardens, winter wonderland, the shard several times, and spent the whole winter together. 

And then, towards the end of January we went out one day, and she seemed so off. She then proceeded over the next few days when i went to her place, to break the news to me that this was her first relationship, she didn't know if this is what she wanted and she was unsure about everything. We then somehow got through this period, and met up and things started to feel normal again, she talks about us going on a honeymoon, us being happy, how much she loves me.

Until i met with her the Saturday before the last one. 

She told me she needed space. A few days later , in the cold i go out to talk to her, and she tells me she knows i might find this all sudden, but she just had this feeling of uncertainty when it came to me, and wanted to break up for good, and this was her final decision, and that there was nothing more i could say or do.  She also said her mum had done sihr on me, and that even though Shias do not believe this causes harm, she was not willing to fight for me, even if her dad would accept. 

What i told her:

How could you tell someone you truly loved them and that they were your soul mate, get a ring, sleep with them regularly, allow a man to be intimate with you, convince him you are committed, and then ten months down the line, tell him that you are actually unsure and had love for him but were not in love with him. She told me she thought she was sincere but did not think about it deeply enough but at the time maybe felt alone/vulnerable living in her apartment and got comfortable with me.

Can anyone help explain this to me? How could a woman do this? 

How could two people who have the same world view, same life plan, complementary careers, support one another, can talk to each other for hours, have emotional and physical chemistry, not have enough to have made a marriage work? Most people don't even have that before marriage. If she truly thought i had little going for me, would she have even gone that far? I have a good career, most of my qualities match a long term thinking partner.

I just feel so heartbroken. I go to work expecting her voice notes in the morning. I go on my break often expecting her to call me. Real life just feels so bizarre to me know, and everything feels depersonalized and like a shock.  

I think her telling you this was actually doing you a favor, in the long term. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but her doing this now is much, much better than her doing this three or four years down the road, when you have kids, shared assets, etc. Then it is much more 'messy' and it is much harder to get over. Ask anyone who has been in this situation, they will tell you 

I have found, most of the time, when women say these kinds of things, there is a very good reason for it. Women naturally are much less 'commitment  averse' than men are. So they will usually stay despite certain things, unless there is something major about you or about the situation that she can't live with. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means that there is something about the situation that is impossible to live with. It is causing so much stress for her, it is easier for her to break it off with you, despite her feelings for you, than to continue to deal with this stress. 

I am not saying this, but one possibility is that her mother really doesn't like you at all, and she is doing everything possible to turn your wife against you. If her mother is the primary influencer in her life, and her mother, then this will cause your wife an enormous amount of stress, because every time she interacts with her mother, the situation comes up and it adds to her stress. So she can't deal with this, so she's ending it because of that. It has nothing to do with you, don't take it personally. 

Its like the situation where someone handcuffs you to the steering wheel of a car, and then puts a bomb in the car that will go off in 5 minutes, and hands you a hacksaw (sorry for making such a gruesome example). You know that you cannot saw thru the steering wheel in 5 minutes, but you can saw thru your wrist in 5 min. So your only two choices are to saw thru your wrist (although very painful) and live, or wait for the car to blow up and die. Sawing thru your wrist is painful, but less painful than blowing up. Whatever the reality of the situation actually is, she believes that confronting her mother regarding you is like the bomb in the car, and breaking up with you is like sawing thru her wrist. Both are painful, but one is less so. 

Now imagine if you made a life together with her, and had to deal with her mother on an ongoing basis. She (her mother) could literally make your life a living hell because of her influence over her daughter. So maybe Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is saving you from that and wants something better for you. Just a theory, it might not be true but it is one out of many possible explanations. So just move on with your life, and don't take it personally, and believe me, another lady will come along, and maybe the next time you will get everything you are looking for. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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Sorry you had to go through that brother. I feel there's a lot I could say, but this short book here will do a much better job at telling you what you need to know: https://www.al-islam.org/youth-and-spouse-selection-ali-akbar-mazaheri 

I believe chapter 5 and onwards will be of great importance to you, but I suggest just reading the whole thing as it's not too long and filled with wisdom that can really save people's lives. 

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57 minutes ago, Guest Youth said:

As an advice from one brother to another, in the future try to avoid mutah contracts. Despite them being allowed within the Shia teachings, it is not the best option in most cases. The best method is to get to know each other without the mutah contract, preferably go out on dates with alongside with someone from her side as well. This will encourage permanent marriage and you’ll see that they’ll be forced to think of their decisions deeply beforehand rather than 6 months or 1 year into a mutah contract and then have a change of heart. I.e. you’ll most likely know their true intentions from the get go. 

I agree and one more thing, Even if they agree on everything, there has to be genuine feelings for each other. It cannot be one sided. 

 

30 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

think her telling you this was actually doing you a favor, in the long term. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but her doing this now is much, much better than her doing this three or four years down the road, when you have kids, shared assets, etc. Then it is much more 'messy' and it is much harder to get over. Ask anyone who has been in this situation, they will tell you 

I agree. Its a blessing in disguise, saved your from troubles that would've likely to occur in your life. Getting your heart broken, it hurts. Chin up brother. Turn to God, it takes time for you and the heart to heal. Be patient. Have faith in God.

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1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

I think her telling you this was actually doing you a favor, in the long term. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but her doing this now is much, much better than her doing this three or four years down the road, when you have kids, shared assets, etc. Then it is much more 'messy' and it is much harder to get over. Ask anyone who has been in this situation, they will tell you 

I have found, most of the time, when women say these kinds of things, there is a very good reason for it. Women naturally are much less 'commitment  averse' than men are. So they will usually stay despite certain things, unless there is something major about you or about the situation that she can't live with. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means that there is something about the situation that is impossible to live with. It is causing so much stress for her, it is easier for her to break it off with you, despite her feelings for you, than to continue to deal with this stress. 

I am not saying this, but one possibility is that her mother really doesn't like you at all, and she is doing everything possible to turn your wife against you. If her mother is the primary influencer in her life, and her mother, then this will cause your wife an enormous amount of stress, because every time she interacts with her mother, the situation comes up and it adds to her stress. So she can't deal with this, so she's ending it because of that. It has nothing to do with you, don't take it personally. 

Its like the situation where someone handcuffs you to the steering wheel of a car, and then puts a bomb in the car that will go off in 5 minutes, and hands you a hacksaw (sorry for making such a gruesome example). You know that you cannot saw thru the steering wheel in 5 minutes, but you can saw thru your wrist in 5 min. So your only two choices are to saw thru your wrist (although very painful) and live, or wait for the car to blow up and die. Sawing thru your wrist is painful, but less painful than blowing up. Whatever the reality of the situation actually is, she believes that confronting her mother regarding you is like the bomb in the car, and breaking up with you is like sawing thru her wrist. Both are painful, but one is less so. 

Now imagine if you made a life together with her, and had to deal with her mother on an ongoing basis. She (her mother) could literally make your life a living hell because of her influence over her daughter. So maybe Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is saving you from that and wants something better for you. Just a theory, it might not be true but it is one out of many possible explanations. So just move on with your life, and don't take it personally, and believe me, another lady will come along, and maybe the next time you will get everything you are looking for. 

She had mentioned the time she lived where she did in her apartment being a horrible time, and that i was a savior in that period. She eventually showed me texts she sent to her friends where she said how i helped her get through a horrible time there. At the same time, she told me she sincerely did not intentionally lead me on.

My father says she never truly genuinely loved me or truly cared about me, knowingly or unknowingly, she was just filling her own void at the time. Once she moved out of the apartment and back to her parents place, she then started to change a bit. 

She also continually told me there were no red flags, there was nothing major in this, that i ticked her boxes but she just had this feeling of uncertainty she did not know what it was about or where it came from.

But the thing is, if you look at a guy and feel that much doubt or know you are subconsciously burying that much uncertainty you could break it off based on that, do you get a ring with him, tell him you are his soulmate and convincingly and deeply profess your deep love for them? Sleep with them? Introduce them to your sister and post pictures of them on a group chat your own mum is on?

She had that kind of relationship where she would tell her mum anything anyway, so i can't look to deeply about that.

My mother and aunt say, if she was willing to post pictures of us on a group chat with her own mother, tell her mother about the ring we had gotten, and when we were going out, and if she truly feared her mother not approving - which her mother didn't, it is a weak excuse. Someone who deep down knows her mother does not approve on a serious level would not post pictures to her mother and keep her in the loop.

She even said her mother mentioned that her dad would likely approve and that we should leave it one or two years before marrying. At one point her mother sent a moon face emoji to a picture of me on the group chat. She knows full well her mother is just pushing and pulling here to scare her, and that if her dad were to approve, the mother would come around to it and stop the act even if she would not be over the moon about it. 

My family think she is hiding behind her mother, and that ultimately, this is someone who does not truly know their own mind. A woman who can talk with a guy all day, shares the same life views and goals, has that deeper connection. A woman who can even have emotional and physical chemistry with a guy, really has more than what many have before going into a marriage. 

Ultimately, she may not have been truly genuine, possibly filling a void and when she realized we were actually very compatible, carried things on, but her lack of genuine love and care  and indecisiveness and own issues, led to this.

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Guest Salam

Wow, this is amazing to read. Salamu 3alaykum brother. I have gone through something VERY similar to this, as well as my friend and another person I knew. I think it's a new social phenomenon. The girl was my fiance, she was affectionate and sweet. I cannot stress how similar she was to me and how much we aligned, she was like the female version of me and I believed she was my soulmate. When we'd talk I'd have to hold myself back from saying "Wow! I'm like that too!" Because I'd already said it 100 times and was afraid she'd think I was mocking her or being disingenuous. But then suddenly, abruptly, she went cold. She would not see me in person anymore, she didn't initiate any messages and when she spoke it was abrupt and dry and cold. I received more warmth from a gas station clerk than her. Then for a long period I lived in agony fearing the worst, then finally she broke the engagement off and like you I'm still not entirely sure what happened. She told me one thing, and told another person who spoke with her told me something else, and her actions told a third story. Like you her mother was super against it and I believe sabotaged things.

Like you it was weird was that the girl gave up on the relationship, she didn't fight for it. She didn't even attempt to speak to me about it I was the last person to know it ended. It was so strange to me because she must have known how unusually similar we were. We both shared rare qualities, characteristics, habits, and ambitions and it was a miracle to find anyone else like that. I don't know how she didn't appreciate that because not everyone shared our very rare lifestyle. That's one thing that boils my blood, the sheer stupidity. If Allah bring to you someone with good intentions and who puts your happiness over theirs, then you're an idiot if of you reject them. If I was proposed to by someone like that I'd marry them if they were in a wheelchair, or blind, or ill, or from a different culture, or disabled, or older than me, or any damn thing. So it astounds me how people like this turned us down when they knew what we were offering. 

Maybe this happened to me because of another guy. One of the FEW things that can make a woman fall out of love when the man doesn't wrong her/die is if her heart becomes attached to another man. I think her and the mother were speaking with other suitors at the same time. And they purposely wrecked the relationship so they can be rid of me and move on the next sucker. And of course they both hid behind a lame excuse or a person.

Maybe it was was because of the mom who constantly waged war against me and brainwashed the daughter. Probably the daughter couldn't handle the stress like others have said and cut things. But why not say anything about it and go cold? It wasn't a gradual change it was one day 100 and down to 0 for the rest of the relationship.

And I strongly suspect that she had a sort of mental illness and I think that played a role.

It could be all three or something else entirely.

Looking back I realize that while we had a lot in common, when it came to the things that mattered we were nothing alike. Yes it was amazing that we all had our arrows pointed at all the same targets, but what matters is if she actually hits the target. Push comes to shove she did not respect me and violated my dignity in a way that nobody has ever done before. So all that eman and ilm goes out the window. What good is eman when your akhlaq is crooked? I learned that in the end what matters is having similar akhlaq above all.

It's tragic, but I think that this is one of the kindest things that Allah has ever done for us. He made sure the car broke down in the test drive so we wouldn't get roped up in a disaster.

My advice to you is that your impression of her that you built in your head was wrong. You put a halo on her head that wasn't there. That at the slightest friction she was not willing to fight for you. That you in this dunya will never know what really happened. That you should delete everything that reminds you of her, even clear chats with family members that have mentioned her. That you should be patient because it's gonna be about a couple months before you get your will to live back.

Generally, Allah keeps people in their own lane. Good men marry good women, bad men marry bad women. In order to accomplish this he makes good people repulsive and unattractive to people who to put it mildly are not worth it. You are a gem, but Allah made her blind to your light so that He may keep her away from you. 

I spared some details though to avoid identifying myself, but really it's the same story

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One thing to keep in mind for the guys who are wondering why a girl didnt fight for the relationship after seeming committed, is that although men are more reluctant to commit to the relationship initially, once he is committed, he is usually MORE committed to the marriage than the woman. Hence why many more divorces are initiated by women than man. And perhaps has something to do with the wisdom of not giving the right of divorce to women in Islam, but Allah knows best. 

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Guest adsy
1 hour ago, Guest Salam said:

Wow, this is amazing to read. Salamu 3alaykum brother. I have gone through something VERY similar to this, as well as my friend and another person I knew. I think it's a new social phenomenon. The girl was my fiance, she was affectionate and sweet. I cannot stress how similar she was to me and how much we aligned, she was like the female version of me and I believed she was my soulmate. When we'd talk I'd have to hold myself back from saying "Wow! I'm like that too!" Because I'd already said it 100 times and was afraid she'd think I was mocking her or being disingenuous. But then suddenly, abruptly, she went cold. She would not see me in person anymore, she didn't initiate any messages and when she spoke it was abrupt and dry and cold. I received more warmth from a gas station clerk than her. Then for a long period I lived in agony fearing the worst, then finally she broke the engagement off and like you I'm still not entirely sure what happened. She told me one thing, and told another person who spoke with her told me something else, and her actions told a third story. Like you her mother was super against it and I believe sabotaged things.

Like you it was weird was that the girl gave up on the relationship, she didn't fight for it. She didn't even attempt to speak to me about it I was the last person to know it ended. It was so strange to me because she must have known how unusually similar we were. We both shared rare qualities, characteristics, habits, and ambitions and it was a miracle to find anyone else like that. I don't know how she didn't appreciate that because not everyone shared our very rare lifestyle. That's one thing that boils my blood, the sheer stupidity. If Allah bring to you someone with good intentions and who puts your happiness over theirs, then you're an idiot if of you reject them. If I was proposed to by someone like that I'd marry them if they were in a wheelchair, or blind, or ill, or from a different culture, or disabled, or older than me, or any damn thing. So it astounds me how people like this turned us down when they knew what we were offering. 

Maybe this happened to me because of another guy. One of the FEW things that can make a woman fall out of love when the man doesn't wrong her/die is if her heart becomes attached to another man. I think her and the mother were speaking with other suitors at the same time. And they purposely wrecked the relationship so they can be rid of me and move on the next sucker. And of course they both hid behind a lame excuse or a person.

Maybe it was was because of the mom who constantly waged war against me and brainwashed the daughter. Probably the daughter couldn't handle the stress like others have said and cut things. But why not say anything about it and go cold? It wasn't a gradual change it was one day 100 and down to 0 for the rest of the relationship.

And I strongly suspect that she had a sort of mental illness and I think that played a role.

It could be all three or something else entirely.

Looking back I realize that while we had a lot in common, when it came to the things that mattered we were nothing alike. Yes it was amazing that we all had our arrows pointed at all the same targets, but what matters is if she actually hits the target. Push comes to shove she did not respect me and violated my dignity in a way that nobody has ever done before. So all that eman and ilm goes out the window. What good is eman when your akhlaq is crooked? I learned that in the end what matters is having similar akhlaq above all.

It's tragic, but I think that this is one of the kindest things that Allah has ever done for us. He made sure the car broke down in the test drive so we wouldn't get roped up in a disaster.

My advice to you is that your impression of her that you built in your head was wrong. You put a halo on her head that wasn't there. That at the slightest friction she was not willing to fight for you. That you in this dunya will never know what really happened. That you should delete everything that reminds you of her, even clear chats with family members that have mentioned her. That you should be patient because it's gonna be about a couple months before you get your will to live back.

Generally, Allah keeps people in their own lane. Good men marry good women, bad men marry bad women. In order to accomplish this he makes good people repulsive and unattractive to people who to put it mildly are not worth it. You are a gem, but Allah made her blind to your light so that He may keep her away from you. 

I spared some details though to avoid identifying myself, but really it's the same story

Your personality seems quite similar to mine. 

I will say this, reading your account was absolutely fascinating. I want you to read on to my conclusion - i think we were both on the same boat.

And you are spot on. I did put a Halo over her head. 

She presented herself to me as this spiritual, reflective woman, and in the first few months all we would do is talk about spirituality and share lectures. Even now when i sit back, one of the reasons which pains me when i think of her is sharing lectures by Sheikh Khalil Jaffer, talking about mindfulness, how the famous saying goes "one who knows themselves knows their lord".

But what does it say of a woman who might share a lot in common with you, who, when it comes to life events which matter, when it comes to actual substance, is found not just wanting, but acting abysmally?

Like you, she and i shared a lot. But when it came to big life events, loyalty, commitment, she was willing to engage in physical relations with me after getting a ring, and then turn around and tell me actually she is very unsure about me?

I learned one thing in my future search, yes, find someone who prays and fasts and is spiritual, but keep that as a minimum requirement. True Islam is how you behave with someone else's life.

In terms of will to live - this got so deep and serious, her betrayal initially gave me severe anxiety. Lord knows what i could or would have done in a mentally compromised state, and this is another lesson learned: never give so much of yourself to someone.

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Guest adsy
3 hours ago, Guest Salam said:

Wow, this is amazing to read. Salamu 3alaykum brother. I have gone through something VERY similar to this, as well as my friend and another person I knew. I think it's a new social phenomenon. The girl was my fiance, she was affectionate and sweet. I cannot stress how similar she was to me and how much we aligned, she was like the female version of me and I believed she was my soulmate. When we'd talk I'd have to hold myself back from saying "Wow! I'm like that too!" Because I'd already said it 100 times and was afraid she'd think I was mocking her or being disingenuous. But then suddenly, abruptly, she went cold. She would not see me in person anymore, she didn't initiate any messages and when she spoke it was abrupt and dry and cold. I received more warmth from a gas station clerk than her. Then for a long period I lived in agony fearing the worst, then finally she broke the engagement off and like you I'm still not entirely sure what happened.

By the way, i do think mental illness plays a role here.

I think it might be linked to impulsivity and some form of personality disorder. In my case, we had physical relations, we went very far, and then she just seemed to do a U-turn without even sitting down with me and trying to find a way to resolve anything. 

I don't know about you, but even as a guy, unless i had a mental illness or had a complete breakdown, i wouldn't be able to do that. 

You also come to realize, a lot of women do not know what they want.  Men tend to know what they want, and so when they commit, they know that is what they want. 

And finally, it's not what you say, it's what you do that defines you.

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Guest adsy
3 hours ago, Guest Salam said:

Looking back I realize that while we had a lot in common, when it came to the things that mattered we were nothing alike. Yes it was amazing that we all had our arrows pointed at all the same targets, but what matters is if she actually hits the target. Push comes to shove she did not respect me and violated my dignity in a way that nobody has ever done before. So all that eman and ilm goes out the window. What good is eman when your akhlaq is crooked? I learned that in the end what matters is having similar akhlaq above all.

It's tragic, but I think that this is one of the kindest things that Allah has ever done for us. He made sure the car broke down in the test drive so we wouldn't get roped up in a disaster.

I have sat down here and realized the same. We had so much in common, but when it came down to it, we didn't in what mattered. She gave me flowery language and how super charged she would be after we shared a lecture series and sent each other voice notes, and i thought wow, SubhanAllah, what a pious, reflective woman.

But when it came down to it, where was that reflection and fear of Allah when it came to knowing yourself and respecting the dignity of another man and his well being when you had physical relations with him and accepted a ring, only to turn around and say you were very unsure about him?

I knew of a sister who had a man do this to her and needed six months counselling.  To me, she ended up admitting i was her savior during a difficult period in her life. But sister, i thought you were this religious woman who had Allah at the center and were grounded? 

Everyone these days watches lectures. You are defined by what you do.

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Posted (edited)
55 minutes ago, Guest adsy said:

I have sat down here and realized the same. We had so much in common, but when it came down to it, we didn't in what mattered. She gave me flowery language and how super charged she would be after we shared a lecture series and sent each other voice notes, and i thought wow, SubhanAllah, what a pious, reflective woman.

But when it came down to it, where was that reflection and fear of Allah when it came to knowing yourself and respecting the dignity of another man and his well being when you had physical relations with him and accepted a ring, only to turn around and say you were very unsure about him?

I knew of a sister who had a man do this to her and needed six months counselling.  To me, she ended up admitting i was her savior during a difficult period in her life. But sister, i thought you were this religious woman who had Allah at the center and were grounded? 

Everyone these days watches lectures. You are defined by what you do.

 

Brother, maybe I'm wrong but you sound like you are taking this personally. Please don't take it like that. Before I got married to my wife now (we have been married for more than 10 years), what you have described happened to me, not once but multiple times. So you have to understand this is something very common. It might be an outside party who kind of made the decision for her, like her mother, or it also could be that once she was with you for a while, she had some idea in her mind that you would not be happy together, long term, for whatever reason. It doesn't matter really. I understand that the physical intimacy made a deeper connection between you two, maybe because it's the first time you've been in a physically intimate relationship, i.e. for a muslim who fears Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) this only means marriage. 

It could have been alot worse. She didn't try to run you over with her car. She didn't steal large sums of money from you. She didn't cheat on you behind your back. She didn't make up stories about you and spread them around in the community out of spite. All these things have either happened to me, or happened to brothers that were close friends of mine. So you actually made out pretty well. You got some good memories (which you will remember forever if she was your first intimate relationship) and you came out of it in one piece. Not bad for a first time. 

At the end of the day you have no idea what's in her mind except what she shares with you. I'm sure there's alot more that she didn't share. You only know what you heard and what you saw. There is alot more you didn't see and didn't hear. So there is no use stressing out, or blaming her, or imagining the worst case scenario about what those things were. Be comfortable with the fact that you don't know, and try the best you can to move on with your life and don't let this affect your Iman and don't let this one experience cause you to generalize her behavior onto all muslima. Salam. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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4 hours ago, Guest Salam said:

Generally, Allah keeps people in their own lane. Good men marry good women, bad men marry bad women.

1 hour ago, Uni Student said:

Is  this a divine promise or no?

That was a generalization that was a paraphrase of an ayah from the Holy Qur'an: Ayah an-Nur (The Light) 24:26

Vicious women are for vicious men, and vicious men for vicious women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women. These are absolved of what they say [about them]. For them is forgiveness and a noble provision

Obviously, Allah is not promising that He will give you a good spouse. A Muslim needs to search and find his/her own good spouse with due diligence, and then you and your spouse need to keep the marriage in good shape by both of you maintaining good behavior. If both of you are good people, most likely your marriage will work out. However, if the first spouse becomes abusive or unresponsive, divorce can occur. 

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On 3/29/2022 at 2:08 PM, Guest Adsy said:

While i was there, i do remember her mother calling and not wanting me to be with her. Her mother did not know the full details but she did not want someone not of her own race. 

On 3/29/2022 at 2:08 PM, Guest Adsy said:

She told me she needed space. A few days later , in the cold i go out to talk to her, and she tells me she knows i might find this all sudden, but she just had this feeling of uncertainty when it came to me, and wanted to break up for good, and this was her final decision, and that there was nothing more i could say or do.  She also said her mum had done sihr on me, and that even though Shias do not believe this causes harm, she was not willing to fight for me, even if her dad would accept. 

The girl did not even tell her Dad that she married you? Was she afraid of him? Her Mother rejected you because of your race and tried to physically harm you with sihr? Consider yourself saved by her breaking up with you. You deserve a better wife than her. 

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5 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Brother, maybe I'm wrong but you sound like you are taking this personally. Please don't take it like that. Before I got married to my wife now (we have been married for more than 10 years), what you have described happened to me, not once but multiple times. So you have to understand this is something very common. It might be an outside party who kind of made the decision for her, like her mother, or it also could be that once she was with you for a while, she had some idea in her mind that you would not be happy together, long term, for whatever reason. It doesn't matter really. I understand that the physical intimacy made a deeper connection between you two, maybe because it's the first time you've been in a physically intimate relationship, i.e. for a muslim who fears Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) this only means marriage. 

It could have been alot worse. She didn't try to run you over with her car. She didn't steal large sums of money from you. She didn't cheat on you behind your back. She didn't make up stories about you and spread them around in the community out of spite. All these things have either happened to me, or happened to brothers that were close friends of mine. So you actually made out pretty well. You got some good memories (which you will remember forever if she was your first intimate relationship) and you came out of it in one piece. Not bad for a first time. 

At the end of the day you have no idea what's in her mind except what she shares with you. I'm sure there's alot more that she didn't share. You only know what you heard and what you saw. There is alot more you didn't see and didn't hear. So there is no use stressing out, or blaming her, or imagining the worst case scenario about what those things were. Be comfortable with the fact that you don't know, and try the best you can to move on with your life and don't let this affect your Iman and don't let this one experience cause you to generalize her behavior onto all muslima. Salam. 

I’d like to emphasize what the brother said - and I understand you may be venting your emotions; but it’s best to always remain humble and forgive/forget. That means truly letting go and not making an enemy out of the sister - there’s always parts to the story you may not know/understand or even agree with. Especially when it comes to things we desire, we all have at least a little selfishness and whilst you may really wanted to marry her and have things work out - the other person has the right to accept or decline - there is no compulsion with regards to marriage. Always give 70 excuses -  we are not all knowing nor are we free of shortcomings; even if it truly wasn’t broken off for the best reasons, we don’t have a right to ‘force’ someone into marriage. While it may help you feel better (defense mechanism) and may even contain a lot of truth (God knows best); we must always strive to be humble and not allow ourselves to be fooled into thinking we are the truly righteous and the other side is the corrupt/evil person. The believer is always focused on his own shortcomings and merciful to others - and this is of great benefit to himself on his journey to God. Especially as men, we must always strive and endure - pray for our sisters and brothers - as the banner of the Imam that unites us is greater than any personal differences we may have among us. 

And all of this is a reminder to myself before anyone else. Take care my brother, may God grant us sabr and strength.

Salam

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Guest salam

I want to stress again brother that you should focus on putting this matter behind you physically because only then can the healing start. Delete and remove anything that reminds you of her, clear chats, tell your family and friends that you don't want to talk about this anymore. Maybe you can't do that right now because it's all still fresh, but you should eventually do this sooner rather than later.

Allah will help you if your intentions are good. As time goes on he's going to make you see things that you never did before. Eventually you will only be able to see her ugliness and this tragedy that makes you sad will become an injustice that makes you angry. Eventually you'll get to the point where even if she crawls back you won't take her back. Set a reminder on your phone for 5 months, and title it "Look back and laugh."

One thing I forgot to mention was where I went wrong. I did take a kheera on the girl and it came out bad, but I did mental gymnastics in my head and moved forward. Actually I probably got like 7 kheeras and signs telling me to not go for it but out of character I'd justify proceeding by acting like they're vague or didn't apply to my situation. In the future please take a kheera early on (you can call any mosque) and act on it even if you don't like the answer.

And what I regret the most was how desperate and crazy I was to be with her. Usually I'm only like that with Allah, but this got the best of me and I wanted the creation more than the Creator which is quite pathetic. Pretty angry at myself for getting that attached.

I hope you'll find happiness brother. It's hard to appreciate but out there is your qisma and no force in this universe will keep you two apart. If it's meant to be it will happen through anything, if it's not then it won't happen despite everything. I think this is something that people who are sincere about Allah go through to forge them into better believers. If we were attached to money then He'll make sure we have a traumatic experience with money that makes us less attached to it and more to Him. In the past I was so attached to a wife and marriage, now I couldn't care less if I got married at 60 or died alone. In the past I wanted to visit the shrine of Imam Hussein (عليه السلام) and beg him to help me with my marriage situation, now if I visited him I would instead say "What can I do for you?" 

Hang in there, you'll be surprised at the transformations you'll go through in the coming months. But you have to have a good mindset, my friend went through the same thing at the same time and now he's basically just as traumatized as he was in day one and even went on to do the same thing to another poor girl. 

I wish you'll find success, I've already made dua for you.

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