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In the Name of God بسم الله

I don't feel attraction or feeling with potential spouse>

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Hi

The family girl are good and she is good girl that fulfil her religious obligation. But when we talk, its like she doesn't have much to say, I have to make up topics to talk. She is the one who has to come to Australia to live. 

or perhaps she is waiting for us to get Mohram Yeah BUT. the purpose of talk now is to determine whether we are suited or not, so it doesn't get to the stage of getting engaged and finding out our differences. We chat once a week or talk once a week, as she wants it that way until we get mohram. Right ok no problem but she should try messaging first for once, she should have some topics to talk about so the talk/chat last longer. 

I just don't feel attracted, I don't think I have feelings for her. 

I don't feel right to break it off  because it will make her feel bad and that would make me feel bad.  We'll be going to Iran for 5 weeks in May so time is an issue need to find if she is not the one, we can look for some one else.

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Arrrghh I feel confused and not sure what to do. My family telling me if not sure or don't have feeling for her, its ok to say to no. Its a life time decision

Ladies, how do you feel, if your potential spouse, decide to break it off because he does not feel attracted or does not have feelings for you.

I ended up in this situation because my father was persistent with going to this family which I have no issue with but don't have feelings for her. My father went quick, did not ask me what kind of girl do I want or whether I am ready for marriage. 

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Akhi, I am not sure if I fully understand your situation, but I feel you should give it some time. She could be hesitant because she wants to avoid slipping into haraam interactions, or she could be plain shy or reserved, or socially awkward, and not that great at initiating conversations. I am one of those people who find it hard to initiate or continue conversations, or to make and keep connections. That may well be the case with her too. 

Feelings for her may not necessarily be present from the beginning. It often happens in arranged marriages that love and mutual care grow after the marriage, when the couple start living together and grow to like and care for each other. Atleast, this is what I have seen in most marriages that I have known. 

Be careful about the deen and akhlaaq of your fiancee. Have Tawakkul and leave the rest to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) 's qada and qadar. He is the best of planners. 

If you are feeling too anxious about the marriage then pray two rakat nafilah, do the tasbih of Sayyida Zahra (sa) and say the following du'a- "Oh Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), I am unable to decide for myself if this marriage is to my liking, but I have trust in your Qada and Qadar, so I entrust this matter to You, for You are the Best of Planners. Predestine the outcome for me, and make it nothing but khayr. "

Then recite salawat. Be relaxed and leave the rest to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

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Posted (edited)

Habibi, do yourself a favor and please read chapter 6 and 7:

https://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=ms-android-samsung-rev2&source=android-browser&q=youth+and+spouse+selection

InshaAllah you will find the guidance you're looking for.

Edited by AStruggler
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10 hours ago, Meedy said:

Ladies, how do you feel, if your potential spouse, decide to break it off because he does not feel attracted or does not have feelings for you.

I would feel hurt, but it will ruin her life and yours if you marry and it was the wrong choice. You're going to have to end it if you're pretty sure you won't be happy in marriage with her.  

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5 hours ago, notme said:

I would feel hurt, but it will ruin her life and yours if you marry and it was the wrong choice. You're going to have to end it if you're pretty sure you won't be happy in marriage with her.  

This.

Don't throw your life on someone you have no connection with. Unfortunately many people are shamed (either by others, the potential spouse or themselves), if they break it off. But it is best to do it even if you are in a "negative light" for some time. Maybe the girl might attempt to shame you for rejecting her (many do), but do not budge.

 

Read a 2 rakat salat for Istikhara and see how you feel before you break it off.

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Is the girl Iranian living in Iran?

It may be common when you talk to girls oversease, there might be some silence or not having topics to talk about or not showing their interest, etc. She hasn't seen you yet, so she's not sure yet. Especially when you said she's religious girl alhamdulillah, she wants to make sure that you are looking for marriage and family. I know you are, but look from her point of view. She doesn't want to be heart broken if things didn't go well. Otherwise, she'll be heartbroken. One advice I have, do not be in a hesitant situation. Breaking it up early is better than keep talking and being in a stage of still not being interested, etc. She may gradually fall in love, and breaking up at that point is harder for both of you.

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22 hours ago, Meedy said:

Hi

:salam:

May Allah bless you and help you. 

I've got two things I want to say, but then again, I'm no one to be talking about these issues. (I'm kind of a noob at these things :ko:). I'm just repeating what I've heard in lectures in the past.

1. Don't feel forced to do something that you don't want to do. This decision will shape the rest of your life. If you think that you can develop feelings for her after you become mahram, then I guess you should try, but it isn't wajib to go ahead with a marriage if you don't want to. Leaving a marriage that didn't happen yet is better than leaving a marriage that is in place. Keep in mind that you should be acting for your life, not for anyone else (other than Allah, of course).

2. I'm not sure if this is convenient for you, but you could also try mutah (temporary marriage) to see if it will work out. I watched a documentary (link below) in which various Sheikhs said that mutah can be implemented for people like you, who are interested in marriage but don't know if it'll work. 

(Link): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvWlq8Cc-sg

Regardless of what happens, may Allah bless, guide, forgive, protect, and help you and your family and grant you Jannat Al-Firdaus. 

Ma3salam. 

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Thanks for all your replies, advices and well wishes.

My father choose this family and continued with it. He did not ask me if I want to get married now or what kind of girl do I want?. So whenever I think or talk to this girl, I end up thinking about why my father did not consult. There is no guarantee that someone may eventually develop feelings for the other because what if that does not happen.

If I said no to my father, he would've blamed my mom, if my brothers said we don't think its right, my dad would've said they are jealous.

Now that he sees that I don't talk to her that much or msg her that often, he start to thinking that he a made a mistake because he doesn't see the happiness or excitement in me. 

Now my family are saying don't do it if you don't feel comfortable /don't have any desire to be with her.

Its hard for me because my father went too quick without consulting with me and now her and her family may get hurt if I break it off because it was us (my father) that insisted on this arrangement. Plus they are a close relative to my dad so its make it even harder. If we were not connected by anything, it would've been may be a bit easier

I have nothing against the family and I have no issue with her but the feelings is not there. I just don't feel anything, nothing is there. I will keep you guys updated to see where this goes.

I hope no body ends up in this situations, dear brothers, sisters and parents consult with your sons and daughters before going to quick.

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Posted (edited)
On 3/29/2022 at 6:03 AM, Meedy said:

Hi

The family girl are good and she is good girl that fulfil her religious obligation. But when we talk, its like she doesn't have much to say, I have to make up topics to talk. She is the one who has to come to Australia to live. 

or perhaps she is waiting for us to get Mohram Yeah BUT. the purpose of talk now is to determine whether we are suited or not, so it doesn't get to the stage of getting engaged and finding out our differences. We chat once a week or talk once a week, as she wants it that way until we get mohram. Right ok no problem but she should try messaging first for once, she should have some topics to talk about so the talk/chat last longer. 

I just don't feel attracted, I don't think I have feelings for her. 

I don't feel right to break it off  because it will make her feel bad and that would make me feel bad.  We'll be going to Iran for 5 weeks in May so time is an issue need to find if she is not the one, we can look for some one else.

Salam, 

Engagement is always difficult because you are interacting with someone you are not used to and it is 'high stakes' , i.e. it will effect the rest of your life (either in a positive or negative way). I think in these situations, which are highly emotional, it is best to return to your rational mind to make the decision. There are a few things which, if they are there all the other problems will eventually work themselves out. 

1. Is she a good person, in general ? Does she believe in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), does she do the wajib, avoid the haram, is she honest, doesn't lie, doesn't hide significant things that might effect both of you. Is there any sort of major character flaws, in regards to honesty or her religion ? If there are some potential of these you should investigate, otherwise assume there are not. 

2. Is there physical attraction. This is just as important as the first one, for a marriage. When you see her, do you feel something physically(I don't want to go into detail, but you probably know what I mean). 

The two above are non fixable issues. If she is not a good person, doesn't do the wajib, does haram (on a regular basis without doing tauba), lies, does gheeba, steals, hides things from you that will significantly affect your life, there is not much hope you will have a happy marriage. The reason why is because if she doesn't follow, at least the clear ordinances set down by her Creator and Sustainer, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), she has no respect for Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). If she has no respect for her Lord and Creator(s.w.a), you think she will have any respect for you ? No chance at all. The seed of love is respect, and the roots of love is trust.  Once the seed is planted and the roots (trust) grow  and are maintained, then the fruit of that seed is love. When there is love in a marriage, this is a real marriage. Without love, the marriage exists only in name and technicality, but not in reality. 

Also, if there is no physical attraction, that is also not something you can fix. Physical attraction is not something you can 'convince' yourself of, it is non rational. It is either there or it isn't. 

When I say 'love', I mean love in reality, not lust. Lust is just another word for physical attraction. If there is lust, but no mutual respect between the spouses, the marriage is doomed. Respect for each other starts with respect for Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Respect for Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is following the clear ordinances. 

Anything else, I believe is fixable, including what you are talking about. Once trust and love develops between you, the channels of communication will open up, and things will get better. IMHO. 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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23 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

2. Is there physical attraction. This is just as important as the first one, for a marriage. When you see her, do you feel something physically(I don't want to go into detail, but you probably know what I mean). 

 

23 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Also, if there is no physical attraction, that is also not something you can fix. Physical attraction is not something you can 'convince' yourself of, it is non rational. It is either there or it isn't. 

Unfortunately and with no disrespect whatsoever, I did not find her attractive to me, perhaps being in situation that I did not expect, made it more difficult to accept. 

After days of confusions and discussion with my family. I decided not to pursue this potential engagement. My father spoke with her father. This situation was avoidable, had my father did not continuing and insisting. 

I will always feel guilty about it, however i think its the wise decision for both us. May God Forgive my dad for putting me in such situation, His intention was well but its mistake he made.

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I broke up with a girl that it made her upset. I'm upset about it deeply and do dua for her. These are my 2 advices from my experience.

1. Always ask for the girl photo before talking to her. It should be done through a third person and not the girl herself. If you did not like her, don't let others to change your mind by telling start talking to her maybe you like her later, etc.

2. If you are talking to a girl and felt not interested during the discussions, end it ASAP. Others may come in between and say it's ok, keep talking, be open to her and go out together, etc. Never do that. You are the person who wants to live with the girl. It's 100% on you and not others.

I hope it helps you. These are my experience. I wish you seccuss in your search.

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1 hour ago, Quran313 said:

I broke up with a girl that it made her upset. I'm upset about it deeply and do dua for her. These are my 2 advices from my experience.

1. Always ask for the girl photo before talking to her. It should be done through a third person and not the girl herself. If you did not like her, don't let others to change your mind by telling start talking to her maybe you like her later, etc.

2. If you are talking to a girl and felt not interested during the discussions, end it ASAP. Others may come in between and say it's ok, keep talking, be open to her and go out together, etc. Never do that. You are the person who wants to live with the girl. It's 100% on you and not others.

I hope it helps you. These are my experience. I wish you seccuss in your search.

I agree with everything you said.

I wish if parents/adults would consult with us before going in and making the decision.

I decided to end it, I explained to cousin, that my father went to quick in this matter, she agreed, she said he is the one who went to fast and he is the one must fix it. Long story short, I told my father about it. I had to end it because I was not interested and one sided relationship does not work (one sided I mean, one has feeling and another does not have the same feelings).

You're right, I do feel guilty and will always do :( 

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1 hour ago, Meedy said:

I agree with everything you said.

I wish if parents/adults would consult with us before going in and making the decision.

I decided to end it, I explained to cousin, that my father went to quick in this matter, she agreed, she said he is the one who went to fast and he is the one must fix it. Long story short, I told my father about it. I had to end it because I was not interested and one sided relationship does not work (one sided I mean, one has feeling and another does not have the same feelings).

You're right, I do feel guilty and will always do :( 

You shouldn't feel guilty brother. You did things the right way. You broke it off in the beginning before there was any deep emotions / feeling she might develop for you. This is the most merciful and the best thing you can do if you have a strong feeling that you are not interested / it won't work. It would have been a much worse situation (which you have probably seen) where the guy 'goes along with it' just for his parents then years down the road, when they have kids, etc, they decide to break it off then. It is a lot more damaging to both spouses at that point and will probably alter the rest of their lives. At this point, she will probably be sad for a while, then move on with her life, and you will too. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) created a 'mate' for everyone. So her mate is still out there, she will meet him, InShahAllah.

 

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