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Interracial couple help

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Guest Abcdefg

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Guest Abcdefg

Hello everyone,

I need some advice/help, and hopefully more knowledge in the area of rights of a Muslim couple, specifically myself as a wife. 

I married my husband with a Mutah in October of last year, we got civil married 3 days after. We have been a relationship since Dec of the year before. We have been friends for years before this. I was not Muslim when we started dating and I let him know that I am open to knowing more but i cannot promise a conversion. I have always been supportive of his religion, even though I didn’t understand the importance of prayer. He made it clear since the beginning that he was not comfortable having pre marital sex  or other sexual things until after marriage. That was fine by me. In may he told his sisters about me, he didn’t say anything to any of his family for a long time because he was worried they wouldn’t accept me. It was then he found out that he couldn’t marry me unless I was of the book. I was not religious at all, I was opposed to religion I just had some horrible experiences when I was younger. I have had an extremely hard life, being in foster care, dealing with mental health, a lot of adversity. I had trouble believing in God because I couldn’t believe a higher power let me go through all of that. When he told me I had to be of the book I told him I didn’t know if we could continue. It caused a lot of problems. I spent a lot of time alone researching and seeing if Islam was for me. I met with a sheikh and fast forward to today I would consider myself a revert. But I am still learning. I would say my partner has been practicing Islam a lot more since we’ve been together. I know this was always important to him.

5 days before our wedding and kit kitab, his family saw my Instagram profile. Where they went through very old photos and saw that I have had drinks or use to wear in modest clothes. It was a long time ago and not activities I participate in anymore. But I refused to be ashamed of who I once was because my heart has always been good. At the time drinking or wearing shorts wasn’t a sin for me  it was just my life. A life my partner participated in with me as well when we were friends. We have since grown up and don’t do that stuff anymore. I was called a fake Muslim or told I was disrespecting their religion. His family threw our wedding decorations out and told him that if he married me he will be disowned. They called me so many things and said a lot of hurtful things. My partner was on the fence about marrying me and I told him if he doesn’t want to marry me, he doesn’t have too but I cannot marry him in the future as I won’t be able to trust his promises to me. He decided to marry me anyways and his family kicked him out. 

his family stopped talking to him for about 3 months. I thought his family liked me before when they met me, but he tells me they never liked me. I have always been kind and respectful to them. And even though they don’t like me, I still love them because they are my husbands family. I know myself and who I am, I have a great heart and I am a good person. His family still refuses to acknowledge me. I haven’t seen them in 5 months and his extended family does not even know he’s married. I have been bullied and lies have been spread about me. I am at an impass and I don’t know what to do. I was upset with even having a Mutah, I wanted a permanent marriage with him. But I do understand he’s waiting for his family to come around so they can be included. I can’t post our photos, I can’t be proud of us. I still am learning about Islam, but I thought I would have his family as a support. I feel so stuck. He hangs out with them and visits them, and I encourage him to because I know he loves his family. But I feel alone. I am scared to have kids, what if they are not accepted. I hear their voices in my head when I pray with him, I hear that I’m fake or pretending or this or that. I’m scared to go in public because I’m scared to run into them. 

Our life is good together, and I am patiently waiting. But his family not liking me inhibits us a lot. I am being the best wife and best Muslim I can be but I feel like I’m not enough. I know we are doing right be God, and right by one another. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t how to stop feeling so alienated and alone 

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Guest Imamiyyah

Very sorry to hear about your situation. I would strongly suggest since you said that you have reverted that you take all pictures where you aren't dressed modestly off your social media accounts. Not for the sake of his family or even the general public, but for your own spiritual and religious growth. By no means am I judging you or your past, but seeing as you have submitted to Allah and have chosen Islam as a way of life then it is better for you to not have pictures up, albeit very old ones that contradict Islam. I would say that your husband needs to talk his family round and be more supportive of you. Yes he's in a difficult position, but so are you, and it is his duty to honour, protect and take care of you. I hope your situation improves. I would suggest having an honest conversation with your husband about a permanent marriage and how delaying that is affecting you and making you feel alone. Hopefully he will understand and be more supportive and find a way to get his family to accept his decision. 

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Salam, Perhaps Delete your Instagram and fb. Create a new one with good photos etc.

A cousin of mine has gone through similar experience. He is afghani shia, found a coworker of Tanzania background and he told me she is shia and wear hijab. God Bless them.

His family never accepted her ( I hate saying but my guts tells me because she was african). His parents few years ago went to Haj too. He wanted to have a small party or ceremony but he said he couldn't do it because people would ask where are your parents. He went and married her, he is expected his first child soon and does visit his family when he can too.

سبحان الله‎ look at us muslims, we are suppose to help and support each other. We are suppose welcome those wanting to become muslims regardless of their past in which we should guide them towards repentance and undertaking repentance. But look what we do we pass on judgements and make people experience bullying and abuse.

Dear sister, Hang in there, remain strong. Only God can judgement us and only seek Forgiveness and Guidance from God. Your past is something between you and God. Your husband should take a stand, tell his family if they don't accept you, at least don't abuse you anymore etc. He can visit his family every now and then but should not accept the abuse. He should make stand.

Your husband should be supporting you after the difficult experiences that you went through, you trying your best to do the right things so he should be on your side. Don't have kids yet until things get better don't have kids. Perhaps relocating to different city if possible might help.

I am so sorry that you had endure such experiences, unfortunately there are others that go through your experience. Stay Strong, Continue your journey towards getting close to God. You're doing all the best you can, make your feelings clear to him and see what he does.... and the outcomes. 

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Sorry you are going through this.

First - anyone reverting to Islam starts off with a clean slate in front of Allah and He is the Ultimate judge. 

It is unfair of people to judge you based on pre-reversion history but unfortunately that is how people are.

I do agree with others thar you should remove your social media account from before.

Also, perhaps your husband can take you and 1 member of his family (a sister) so they can get to know you 1:1. It might be easier for you and them. Give it a shot and see if it works.

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If the story is true in all the details, then his family is the problem. It sounds like the common problem of so-called "Muslims" considering filthy cultural ideas to be of higher priority than than Islamic principles. 

Eventually, an adult male should be a real man and stand on principles.  

" if he married me he will be disowned " is nonsensical on their part and can be disregarded. 

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On 3/7/2022 at 2:17 AM, Guest Imamiyyah said:

Very sorry to hear about your situation. I would strongly suggest since you said that you have reverted that you take all pictures where you aren't dressed modestly off your social media accounts. Not for the sake of his family or even the general public, but for your own spiritual and religious growth. By no means am I judging you or your past, but seeing as you have submitted to Allah and have chosen Islam as a way of life then it is better for you to not have pictures up, albeit very old ones that contradict Islam. I would say that your husband needs to talk his family round and be more supportive of you. Yes he's in a difficult position, but so are you, and it is his duty to honour, protect and take care of you. I hope your situation improves. I would suggest having an honest conversation with your husband about a permanent marriage and how delaying that is affecting you and making you feel alone. Hopefully he will understand and be more supportive and find a way to get his family to accept his decision. 

Agreed with the above. ^

So sorry that you are having to go through this. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) ease your difficulties.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest Abcdefg

I appreciate everyone’s responses. I have deleted all my photos, aboit a week before we were married. I had deleted the “worst” of them a looong time ago. These were just a few that slipped through. 

i am struggling with reverting. I’m happy as a Muslim but I feel so alone. It is hard to find female revert Shias. All muslims are valid but I’d appreciate someone that can resonate with my struggles. This will be my first Ramadan and I’m grateful for my husband but he never went through this so he cannot fully understand. I will try talking with him again and showing him this post and your comments. 

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2 hours ago, Guest Abcdefg said:

I feel so alone. It is hard to find female revert Shias. All muslims are valid but I’d appreciate someone that can resonate with my struggles.

I think all of us go through this.  

It's a shame that born muslims are so clannish. I'm sure we could learn a lot from each other. 

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, notme said:

I think all of us go through this.  

It's a shame that born muslims are so clannish. I'm sure we could learn a lot from each other. 

This clannishness is within everyone to some extent. I also feel alone in the community even though I'm born muslim. There are so many reasons for that which needs snother topic.

To the OP: try to engage your husband in your islamic issues or confusions. Communication is important. I'm happy that you two got married and started your family. I hope you feel better in regards to Ramadan etc. Good luck 

Edited by Quran313
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Posted (edited)
On 3/5/2022 at 5:11 PM, Guest Abcdefg said:

Hello everyone,

I need some advice/help, and hopefully more knowledge in the area of rights of a Muslim couple, specifically myself as a wife. 

I married my husband with a Mutah in October of last year, we got civil married 3 days after. We have been a relationship since Dec of the year before. We have been friends for years before this. I was not Muslim when we started dating and I let him know that I am open to knowing more but i cannot promise a conversion. I have always been supportive of his religion, even though I didn’t understand the importance of prayer. He made it clear since the beginning that he was not comfortable having pre marital sex  or other sexual things until after marriage. That was fine by me. In may he told his sisters about me, he didn’t say anything to any of his family for a long time because he was worried they wouldn’t accept me. It was then he found out that he couldn’t marry me unless I was of the book. I was not religious at all, I was opposed to religion I just had some horrible experiences when I was younger. I have had an extremely hard life, being in foster care, dealing with mental health, a lot of adversity. I had trouble believing in God because I couldn’t believe a higher power let me go through all of that. When he told me I had to be of the book I told him I didn’t know if we could continue. It caused a lot of problems. I spent a lot of time alone researching and seeing if Islam was for me. I met with a sheikh and fast forward to today I would consider myself a revert. But I am still learning. I would say my partner has been practicing Islam a lot more since we’ve been together. I know this was always important to him.

5 days before our wedding and kit kitab, his family saw my Instagram profile. Where they went through very old photos and saw that I have had drinks or use to wear in modest clothes. It was a long time ago and not activities I participate in anymore. But I refused to be ashamed of who I once was because my heart has always been good. At the time drinking or wearing shorts wasn’t a sin for me  it was just my life. A life my partner participated in with me as well when we were friends. We have since grown up and don’t do that stuff anymore. I was called a fake Muslim or told I was disrespecting their religion. His family threw our wedding decorations out and told him that if he married me he will be disowned. They called me so many things and said a lot of hurtful things. My partner was on the fence about marrying me and I told him if he doesn’t want to marry me, he doesn’t have too but I cannot marry him in the future as I won’t be able to trust his promises to me. He decided to marry me anyways and his family kicked him out. 

his family stopped talking to him for about 3 months. I thought his family liked me before when they met me, but he tells me they never liked me. I have always been kind and respectful to them. And even though they don’t like me, I still love them because they are my husbands family. I know myself and who I am, I have a great heart and I am a good person. His family still refuses to acknowledge me. I haven’t seen them in 5 months and his extended family does not even know he’s married. I have been bullied and lies have been spread about me. I am at an impass and I don’t know what to do. I was upset with even having a Mutah, I wanted a permanent marriage with him. But I do understand he’s waiting for his family to come around so they can be included. I can’t post our photos, I can’t be proud of us. I still am learning about Islam, but I thought I would have his family as a support. I feel so stuck. He hangs out with them and visits them, and I encourage him to because I know he loves his family. But I feel alone. I am scared to have kids, what if they are not accepted. I hear their voices in my head when I pray with him, I hear that I’m fake or pretending or this or that. I’m scared to go in public because I’m scared to run into them. 

Our life is good together, and I am patiently waiting. But his family not liking me inhibits us a lot. I am being the best wife and best Muslim I can be but I feel like I’m not enough. I know we are doing right be God, and right by one another. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t how to stop feeling so alienated and alone 

Salam Sister. I hope things are going better with you and your husband. 

I am also a revert to Islam with a 'past' before I reverted. If you need any specific advice or guidance, I am willing to help. I married a women from a very religious muslim family. My wife never even spoke (for more than a minute or two) to any man that was not mahram to her before we got married. My past was a little different, and I was upfront with her and her family from the very beginning that I had previous gfs, used to party and drink, etc. I reverted after meeting a brother that was my friends and we studied the religion together and then I reverted. Most men who revert have paths to reversion other than marriage(for reasons that are probably obvious to you by now). I was already muslim for 5 years before I met my wife, who I am still married to. Anyway, I was honest about my past, at the same time, I told her that when I reverted, I made a clean break. I told my friends I am no longer partying, drinking, etc. My friends who were only my friends because of that, our friendships ended. I had other friends which I kept after my reversion (male friends, keeping the female friends was more tricky and I never figured out how to do that). 

 I am not saying stop communicating with everyone, like you are joining a cult, lol. but think of it like weeding a garden. Your new life as a muslima is your garden. Figure out which of your friends are weeds (i.e. they will only cause you problems and distress in your new life) and which ones are fruits, i.e. they will help you in your new life. Weed your garden, piece by piece. If you dedicate yourself to this process, it will help you, regardless of whether you ultimately make a life with your current husband or not. The biggest mistake new revert sisters make it attaching their religion to their marriage relationship with their muslim husband. They are two separate things that should not be mixed. 

You were led to Islam because you had sincerity, you wanted to find the truth and you found it. This is also called 'Iklas' in Arabic. It is the main ingredient in Iman(faith in God). God will guide whoever sincerely wants guidance. This is a promise that God has made to all mankind. Some people take advantage of it, and some don't. Your husband was only the vehicle or channel thru which this Iman, faith reached you. God could have used any number of different channels. That does not mean that you should break up with your husband or that you don't have a future. You might get married and have 10 kids and a wonderful, happy life. The relationship might end tomorrow. You never know. The thing you should hold onto is your Iman, your faith which is the greatest gift that anyone can ever receive. There are many muslims who were born and raised in a muslim family, but they have no Iklas, no sincerity. They are only 'going thru the motions' of the faith because they feel like they have to because their family is muslim, because of the country they are from, etc. They would give everything they own to have what you have inside. So this is what you should cherish. 

I don't think you should try to present a false image of yourself vis a via your to your husband or his family. You are in the process of becoming a muslim(a), just like everyone else is. If they are not satisfied with the progress you have made so far, then so what. That is not something you can change anyway. You are who you are and you are at the point that you are at. But whatever happens, dedicate yourself to continuing on this journey that you are on, regardless of what happens with your husband. Salam. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest Abcedfg
On 3/31/2022 at 3:27 PM, Abu Hadi said:

Salam Sister. I hope things are going better with you and your husband. 

I am also a revert to Islam with a 'past' before I reverted. If you need any specific advice or guidance, I am willing to help. I married a women from a very religious muslim family. My wife never even spoke (for more than a minute or two) to any man that was not mahram to her before we got married. My past was a little different, and I was upfront with her and her family from the very beginning that I had previous gfs, used to party and drink, etc. I reverted after meeting a brother that was my friends and we studied the religion together and then I reverted. Most men who revert have paths to reversion other than marriage(for reasons that are probably obvious to you by now). I was already muslim for 5 years before I met my wife, who I am still married to. Anyway, I was honest about my past, at the same time, I told her that when I reverted, I made a clean break. I told my friends I am no longer partying, drinking, etc. My friends who were only my friends because of that, our friendships ended. I had other friends which I kept after my reversion (male friends, keeping the female friends was more tricky and I never figured out how to do that). 

 I am not saying stop communicating with everyone, like you are joining a cult, lol. but think of it like weeding a garden. Your new life as a muslima is your garden. Figure out which of your friends are weeds (i.e. they will only cause you problems and distress in your new life) and which ones are fruits, i.e. they will help you in your new life. Weed your garden, piece by piece. If you dedicate yourself to this process, it will help you, regardless of whether you ultimately make a life with your current husband or not. The biggest mistake new revert sisters make it attaching their religion to their marriage relationship with their muslim husband. They are two separate things that should not be mixed. 

You were led to Islam because you had sincerity, you wanted to find the truth and you found it. This is also called 'Iklas' in Arabic. It is the main ingredient in Iman(faith in God). God will guide whoever sincerely wants guidance. This is a promise that God has made to all mankind. Some people take advantage of it, and some don't. Your husband was only the vehicle or channel thru which this Iman, faith reached you. God could have used any number of different channels. That does not mean that you should break up with your husband or that you don't have a future. You might get married and have 10 kids and a wonderful, happy life. The relationship might end tomorrow. You never know. The thing you should hold onto is your Iman, your faith which is the greatest gift that anyone can ever receive. There are many muslims who were born and raised in a muslim family, but they have no Iklas, no sincerity. They are only 'going thru the motions' of the faith because they feel like they have to because their family is muslim, because of the country they are from, etc. They would give everything they own to have what you have inside. So this is what you should cherish. 

I don't think you should try to present a false image of yourself vis a via your to your husband or his family. You are in the process of becoming a muslim(a), just like everyone else is. If they are not satisfied with the progress you have made so far, then so what. That is not something you can change anyway. You are who you are and you are at the point that you are at. But whatever happens, dedicate yourself to continuing on this journey that you are on, regardless of what happens with your husband. Salam. 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Sorry for the delayed response. This has been my path, I want to do things for me and my own Islamic journey and I am content in that. My husband and our mutual friends have been my only friends and they’re all great influences. Me and my husband have a great relationship and although there has been no progress with his family yet I’m working on trying to have it not affect me. I know that culture influences religion a lot. I tell my husband I am lucky because I don’t do anything in Islam because I am told too. I do everything because I have learned and I believe in it and I want too. I’ve only been a Muslim for less than a year it’s a vast amount of information but I have enjoyed my journey so far. I enjoy questioning things and learning and appreciating the history. I am happy to be Muslim with or without my husband but of course want to be with him. 
 

Thank you again for your response it’s nice to feel such a sense of community. 

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MashAllah and God Bless you for the great effort you're doing to become a muslim, a better human being and most importantly you're doing it to get Closer to Allah. 

 

On 4/24/2022 at 11:34 AM, Guest Abcedfg said:

Me and my husband have a great relationship and although there has been no progress with his family yet I’m working on trying to have it not affect me

Just Curious, is your husband also doing his best to convince his family to stop with their judgments and to start welcoming you to be part of the family

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