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In the Name of God بسم الله

My wife wants a divorce!

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What are you doing to fix your unacceptable behavior? Communicate your sincere regret for your actions and what measurable and tangible steps you are taking to correct yourself. 

You've hurt her badly. If there is to be any hope of reconciliation, you're going to need to give her time. 

If you're unwilling or unable to do these things, be a good man and grant her the divorce she requests. She can't carry the marriage by herself. 

Even if you do get anger management therapy and learn better coping mechanisms and communication, if too much bad had gone between you and your wife there might be no hope for your marriage. Do your best. Worst case, you'll come out sadder but wiser. 

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12 hours ago, Jafar s said:

She forced me to get out from my flat and now she is just demanding that I need to divorce because this is a toxic relationship to her.

 

I'm not trying to excuse your anger issues but this is feminism in action. Its your flat. She has no rights over it

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Thanks for the comments 

My wife is not the best aswell.

My anger issues comes when my wife doesn't tell me when she is out , when she goes to the gym, when I try to speak to my daughter aswell.

She has never counted on my word in Islam.

Now she is demanding a divorce , I don't think it's fair she has done alot to me.

Her dad is by her side and is saying I can't control her .. and I'm not forcing any sayed to come and solve the issue because I know she will be against all this.

I don't have anger issues but a man with jealousy out of love and care will understand me.

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2 hours ago, Jafar s said:

Her dad is by her side and is saying I can't control her .

This is good for you. All those things I suggested - determining a clear and measurable way for you to fix your anger management problems and communicating these plans and your sincere regret for your past actions - now if your wife will not listen to you, you can talk with her father and ask him to convey the message to her. It's good that she has family supporting her through this. I can't imagine how difficult it would be for you to not know whether your wife and daughter were safe and cared for. At least you won't have that worry now. 

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Salam 

I wasn't the one who went out , she forced me by saying I'll call the police.

I avoided her anger and respected her decision and went out.

She is now everyday in a unique decision,  one day she blocks me the other day she unblocks me.

I'm giving her the time she needs but her attitude is playing with my emotions.

She tried calling me couple of times but I'm giving her the space she wanted. 

I am not knowing what is she really wanting, I'm thinking about my daughter and her too much.

What advice can someone give me 

Should I be that extra caring person how I used to be like before , or should I change the way I respond to things coming from her ?!

 

Thanks all for the support and care 

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52 minutes ago, Jafar s said:

She tried calling me couple of times but I'm giving her the space she wanted. 

If you're not willing to make things better, just give her the divorce. Women, especially women with children, do not take such things lightly. If she's asking now, she has probably been thinking about it for years. 

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2 hours ago, Jafar s said:

She is now everyday in a unique decision,  one day she blocks me the other day she unblocks me.

I'm giving her the time she needs but her attitude is playing with my emotions.

She tried calling me couple of times but I'm giving her the space she wanted. 

6 hours ago, Jafar s said:

My anger issues comes when my wife doesn't tell me when she is out , when she goes to the gym, when I try to speak to my daughter aswell.

She has never counted on my word in Islam.

Now she is demanding a divorce , I don't think it's fair she has done alot to me.

Her dad is by her side and is saying I can't control her .. and I'm not forcing any sayed to come and solve the issue because I know she will be against all this.

I don't have anger issues but a man with jealousy out of love and care will understand me.

Based on what you told. I think she is being unfair to you. It appears like she wants to do whatever she wants and does not like being question about it. Since you guys have a daughter, I would've expected her to seek for alternative solutions if possible rather straight into divorce.

I wonder if she is having a psychological issues or does not feel like same about you anymore so will use any excuse for separation. Does your parents or family live near where you live, what is their thoughts about this.

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Try working on your own shortcomings first before focusing on her negative points. Your priority should be to be a righteous father and husband for your family and primarily for the sake of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

Anger from the workplace should remain over there and not be brought home. Also, why do you want to treat your wife like a prisoner? Maybe if you could control your anger she would be able to communicate more openly with you. 

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Salam alikum 

Thanks all for the reply.

 

Before leaving the flat I already gave her 2 weeks to think in her own and me aswell , I came back very positive.

Couple of days later she came up with let us separate for months and then when she saw me taking it in a calm way , she started to be angry saying now I want a divorce because she thought ill be angry on her and end up with a divorce myself...

My family are in Iraq and my uncles here can't do anything because her father himself is saying I have no control over my daughter...

Im confused with her really

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31 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

you are only allowed to question your wife about going out / it requires you permission if she has a past history of going out of the house to commit haram acts and / or slander your reputation or the reputation of the family (which is also haram, btw). If she doesn't have any history of doing that, and you don't have any suspicions based on evidence of her doing that, you actually have no right to prevent her from leaving the house. She doesn't need your permission, i.e. it's not wajib for her. It's ihtiyat wujubiyyat, meaning if she wants to do ihtiyat it's wajib, but she doesn't have to do this. It's her choice

Not saying that it's ok whatsoever for a husband to keep his wife locked up at home, but in terms of the actual fiqh is this correct?

From Sistani's website: Ruling 2430. It is unlawful for a woman in a permanent marriage to leave the house without the permission of her husband even if this does not infringe on his rights, except in the following cases: [i] a necessity requires her to; [ii] staying in the house causes her hardship (ḥaraj); [iii] the house is not appropriate for her. 

Edited by Uni Student
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1 hour ago, Uni Student said:

Not saying that it's ok whatsoever for a husband to keep his wife locked up at home, but in terms of the actual fiqh is this correct?

Going out to the gym is typically a normal activity that one would assume standing permission.  It would be absurd for a wife to need to ask her husband for permission to leave the house each time as she goes about her usual daily business.  And in any event, even if she did go out without permission when she should have had permission, this in no way excuses the man's tantrum that terrified the poor woman to the point that she would ask for divorce. 

@Jafar s please, rather than arguing and trying to justify your actions, listen to the good advice given here.  Brother @Abu Hadihas given a particularly useful perspective.  Even if your wife is more wrong, you are still capable of improvement, and you can only change you.  Do you want to remediate your marriage and avoid divorce? If yes, improve yourself.  If no, give her the divorce she requested.  I can assure you she has not just come up with the idea - she has probably been thinking it for months or years as your behavior has become more and more terrifying.  You are meant to be a protection and a covering to your spouse.  If she fears you, you are failing.  Fix it, and you might have a chance. 

Edited by notme
Too long quote
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4 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

It's ihtiyat wujubiyyat, meaning if she wants to do ihtiyat it's wajib, but she doesn't have to do this.

No that's not what it means.

Ihtiyat wajib means that a scholar has not given a fatwa (which could be due to conflicting evidences), which means that it is obligatory on the follower of the marja' to either follow the precaution or the fatwa of the next most qualified marja' (according to some scholars like Al-Sayyid Fadhlallah, it is not necessary to follow the fatwa of the next most qualified marja', but rather it is sufficient to refer to the fatwa of any marja').

Edited by Muhammad A-H
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@Jafar sBoth of you gotta Identify each other issues and find ways to overcome.

Correct me if I am wrong:

1. You don't want a divorce. 2. You're willing to be separate for a bit so both of you can work on your issues.

Now What's your concern in regard to her going out (aside from not letting you know), what other concerns you have?

She says has problem with your anger issues, is there other issues she has with you? She doesn't like being questioned at everything she do?

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Salam alikum 

Thanks all for the reply.

 

She is not thinking of reuniting at all.

At first she said I want a separation when she saw I stayed calm and wanted to talk about our relationship,  she got angry and insisted in a divorce.

Now we are apart to give some time away from both , she is very dramatised by the past and not willing to reunite.

She sends pictures of my daughter from time to time but very formal and still demanding a divorce 

Should I call her and try to talk ? Or should I just leave it untill things go abit better.

Jazakom Allah alif khair 

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4 hours ago, notme said:

It would be absurd for a wife to need to ask her husband for permission to leave the house each time as she goes about her usual daily business.  And in any event, even if she did go out without permission when she should have had permission, this in no way excuses the man's tantrum that terrified the poor woman to the point that she would ask for divorce. 

I totally agree I just meant that what brother @Abu Hadi said was legally  incorrect as far as i am aware

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4 hours ago, Jafar s said:

She is not thinking of reuniting at all.

At first she said I want a separation when she saw I stayed calm and wanted to talk about our relationship,  she got angry and insisted in a divorce.

Salam what comes to think is that  seems that your wife is under influence of her friends in gym because typically in similar cases to your case the cause of such anger from women sideis influence of so called feminists between her friends which instead of solving problem between couples , they are trying to seduce wife of husband to divorce by using your problem of anger as an excuse.

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If you didn't have a  child with her, I would've said divorce her and move on. But having a kid in here, makes it difficult.

It does not look like she is even thinking about the child. Perhaps she is under influence of her friends as brother @Ashvazdanghesuggested.

@Jafar s do you know any of her friends and what they're like?

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I don't think she is thinking about her daughter aswell , she is very concerned about her life to the point that she wants me to rent a flat and look after our child when she is at work or gym etc. I think that's more western thinking.

She got two friends and both are single...

 

I'm very concerned and confused wallah 

Allah subhan Allah gives me sabor 

 

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15 hours ago, Uni Student said:

Not saying that it's ok whatsoever for a husband to keep his wife locked up at home, but in terms of the actual fiqh is this correct?

From Sistani's website: Ruling 2430. It is unlawful for a woman in a permanent marriage to leave the house without the permission of her husband even if this does not infringe on his rights, except in the following cases: [i] a necessity requires her to; [ii] staying in the house causes her hardship (ḥaraj); [iii] the house is not appropriate for her. 

If you include the 'except' parts it basically agrees with what I said. I am maqallad to Sayyid Fadlallah(رضي الله عنه) so I was going based on his fatwa, but the Fatwa of Sayyid Sistani (may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) give him long life) is similar. They phrase it in different ways. Women don't usually leave the house unless there is a necessity that required them to ; work, school(for them or the kids), family, shopping (because food is a necessity), etc). Now the only grey area here is a women leaving the house to do things which are not a necessity like chatting with her friend, getting her hair / nails done, etc. So yes, according to most marjaa she would need permission to do that, according to Sayyid Sistani, not according to Sayyid Fadlallah(رضي الله عنه), so long as she doesn't have a 'history' like I posted previously. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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8 hours ago, Jafar s said:

Salam alikum 

Thanks all for the reply.

 

She is not thinking of reuniting at all.

At first she said I want a separation when she saw I stayed calm and wanted to talk about our relationship,  she got angry and insisted in a divorce.

Now we are apart to give some time away from both , she is very dramatised by the past and not willing to reunite.

She sends pictures of my daughter from time to time but very formal and still demanding a divorce 

Should I call her and try to talk ? Or should I just leave it untill things go abit better.

Jazakom Allah alif khair 

I think you should call her, and give one last try. You need to do two things which might be difficult

1) You need to do, as the say in latin a 'mea culpa'. That means you need to admit your errors and mistakes to her. You need to fully acknowledge all your mistakes and show her that you understand what you did wrong and how this hurt her. Once you do this, you need to stop yourself from going on with the 'But' part of it, i.e. telling her then all the mistakes that she did and the ways she hurt you. I'm sure she also did mistakes and hurtful things, but this is not the time and place to go over them. 

Many times, once you do this, and do not go on and say 'but you did this, you did that', she will herself realize what she did, and she will also admit her own mistakes. If she does this, it's a good sign that things are moving forward. If she doesn't do it, then don't let this stop you from going to the next step. 

2) The next step is to promise her that you will do your very best to never repeat what you did. You will hold yourself accountable for your behavior before she does. Be specific about what you will not do, and say it sincerely so that she knows you mean it

If you do that, and she still wants a divorce, at least you can tell yourself that you did everything you could to save your marriage. Then you should grant her the divorce and move on with your life. Try to be the best father you can to your daughter, given the circumstances. 

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12 hours ago, Muhammad A-H said:

No that's not what it means.

Ihtiyat wajib means that a scholar has not given a fatwa (which could be due to conflicting evidences), which means that it is obligatory on the follower of the marja' to either follow the precaution or the fatwa of the next most qualified marja' (according to some scholars like Al-Sayyid Fadhlallah, it is not necessary to follow the fatwa of the next most qualified marja', but rather it is sufficient to refer to the fatwa of any marja').

Actually, I should have given the full explanation. I assumed, which I shouldn't have, that since this was a Shia website that most people already knew what this phrase meant. 

Here is the definition from WikiShia

Obligatory caution or al-Ihtiyat al-Wajib (Arabic: الاحتیاط الواجب) is to observe caution in an issue, in which a mujtahid has no fatwa (definite ruling). Jurists use the phrase "obligatory caution" in cases, when they do not reach a jurisprudential verdict based on religious reasons and consider caution necessary in those cases. In obligatory caution, it is obligatory for people (mukallaf) to either act based on caution or follow another marja' (religious authority) who is higher than other religious authorities after his own religious authority.

(The bold sentence was not bold in the original reference. I added that styling to the text for emphasis)

Source

https://en.wikishia.net/view/Obligatory_Caution

So the mukallaf has two option. 

Option 1: Act based on ihtiyyat (precaution). In other words it is wajib for them based on precaution(ihtiyyat)

Option 2: Follow another marja' for this issue. 

For option 2, you must follow another marjaa based on the rules set down by the Marjaa you follow, the marjaa' to which you are mukallaf. Some marjaa' such as Sayyid Fadlallah(رضي الله عنه) allow you to follow any other marjaa'. Some other marjaa' allow you only to refer the the next most qualified. So you should refer to the resalat of your marjaa on this, and all that I know of have rules regarding this in their resalat. 

I think this is a better explaination of the term. 

As far as this specific case, I will qualify my statement to say that 'If the wife follows a marjaa', such as Sayyid Fadlallah((رضي الله عنه)), then .... (what I stated previously). Otherwise she has the option to refer to the next most qualified, if this is what her marjaa' stipulates. 

The point was that in many cases, a women leaving the house without her husbands permission is not haram, so he has no right to be angry about it. There are cases where it is, but even in those cases, the husband has no right to abuse his wife because of it. He should inform her of what the correct ruling is, according to the marjaa' that she follows, and ask her to abide by it. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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On 1/27/2022 at 5:55 PM, Jafar s said:

My wife is requesting for a divorce because I come home angry from work. 

Salam. Work on your anger.. That is causing all your problems.

Imam Ali (عليه السلام) said, Anger is a kindled fire, one who suppresses it extinguishes the fire and one who lets it burn freely is the first person who will be burnt by it.

الإمامُ عليٌّ (عَلَيهِ الّسَلامُ) : اَلغَضَبُ نارٌ مُوقَدَةٌ مَنْ كَظَمَهُ أطْفَأَها وَ مَنْ أطْلَقَهُ كانَ أوَّلَ مُحْتَرِق بِها

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Your intentions are likely good, but your marriage deserves better than relying on a forum for advice, if you really want to save it. Maybe it's more you feel wounded brother and we are your cushion? But, that may make you feel better, but it won't save your marriage. That is a different recipe alltogether and one that requires a live session with anyone who she will also be willing to talk to; perhaps some counselor or the like. We cannot ask or know your situation well enough via a forum to give you the live and personalized advice you, and maybe her, will need.

My best wishes and prayers go out to you and her mending by the love and haq of Zahra (SA), insh'Allah.

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