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In the Name of God بسم الله

Rights of parents in islam

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Aoa,

Please help me understand what are the rights of those parents in islam who abuse their children? This abuse includes domestic violence, having relationships outside of marriage, use of intoxicants, having no bonding with the kidz. I'm an independent adult and my mother who divorced my father and married another guy and had a second divorce wants to live with me. She recently married third time and unfortunately she is about to get a 3rd divorce. Also, my father expects me to support him financially although he is  financially stable. It is hard for me to fulfil their expectations because of my toxic childhood memories. Am I wrong?.  Please help me

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Salam

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And the right of your father is that you should know that he is your root and you are his branch. And without him, you would not be. Whenever you see anything in yourself which pleases you, you should know that your father is the root of its blessing upon you. So praise God and thank Him in recognition of that. And there is no power but in God.

Duties of the Youth
The duties of the youth who believe in Islam was clarified in the Qur’anic verse and traditions presented so far. They should realize that their parents have a great right over them. They must be thankful to their parents and should never neglect or hurt them even if the parents do not perform their duties well. Imam Sadiq said:

مَن نَظَرَ إلى والديه نظر ماقتٍ وهُما ظالمان له لم تُقبل له صلاةٌ.

“God will not accept the prayers of one who looks at his parents with hatred, even if they have not performed their duties towards him.”6

Thus, we realize that even if parents hurt their children, the children must overlook their mistakes.

https://www.al-islam.org/a-divine-perspective-on-rights-a-commentary-of-imam-sajjads-treatise-of-rights/right-n-23-right

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Then the right of your mother is that you should know that she carried you where no one carries anyone, and she fed you with the fruit of her heart - that which no one feeds anyone, and she protected you with her hearing and sight, and her hands and legs, and her hair and skin and all her other organs. She was highly delighted to do so. She was happy and eager, enduring the harm and the pains, and the heaviness and the grief until the Mighty Hand expelled you out of her and delivered you out to the Earth.

She did not care if she went hungry as long as you ate, and if she was naked as long as you were clothed, and if she was thirsty as long as you drank, and if she was in the sun as long as you were in the shade, and if she was miserable as long as you were happy, and if she was deprived of sleeping as long as you were resting. And her abdomen was your abode, and her lap was your seat, and her breast was your supply of drink, and her soul was your fort. She protected you from the heat and the cold of this world. Then you should thank her for all that. You will not be able to show her gratitude unless through God's help and His granting you success.

 

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A man went to see the Prophet of God and said: “O Prophet of God! Whom shall I treat well?” He said: “Your mother.” The man asked: “Who else?” The Prophet said: “Your mother.” The man asked: “Who else?” Again, the Prophet said: “Your mother.” Again, the man asked: “Who else?” This time the Prophet said: “Your father.”

“Be at the service of your mother since it is not any less of a service than going to the war front.”

https://www.al-islam.org/a-divine-perspective-on-rights-a-commentary-of-imam-sajjads-treatise-of-rights/right-n-22-right

 

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The Father’s Right Over the Child

Muhaqqiq Ardebili said: “It is reasonable to say that one should avoid being damned by his parents. Traditions and Qur’anic verses also support this. Children must obey their parents. The jurisprudents have stated that if the leader has not declared holy war or the infidels have not attacked Muslim lands, parents can prevent their children from going to war.9
Whatever is forbidden or incumbent upon one regarding strangers also holds for parents:

1) One cannot travel without the permission of his parents.

2) One must obey his parents.

3) Parents can prevent one from participation in war.

4) If one is to obey his parents or say his prayers, he should put off the prayers and do what his parents ask him to do.

5) There are times when parents can prevent one from attending the congregational prayer.10

https://www.al-islam.org/a-divine-perspective-on-rights-a-commentary-of-imam-sajjads-treatise-of-rights/right-n-23-right

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On 1/2/2022 at 7:42 AM, Haidri92 said:

Aoa,

It is hard for me to fulfil their expectations because of my toxic childhood memories. Am I wrong?.  Please help me

Wasalam Wr Wb,

Whilst I can understand the resentment you feel for the way you were treated as a child, you are now an independent adult, so you're able to be there for them whilst at the same time ensuring and safeguarding your own well-being. 

If you feel they failed you in your childhood, be the better person and don't fail them in their old age. Do what you are able to and if there's expectations you cannot fulfill, make it clear and always try to stay positive and kind, because one day you will be in their shoes and your own children might face your current situation. 

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On 1/2/2022 at 10:42 AM, Haidri92 said:

Aoa,

Please help me understand what are the rights of those parents in islam who abuse their children? This abuse includes domestic violence, having relationships outside of marriage, use of intoxicants, having no bonding with the kidz. I'm an independent adult and my mother who divorced my father and married another guy and had a second divorce wants to live with me. She recently married third time and unfortunately she is about to get a 3rd divorce. Also, my father expects me to support him financially although he is  financially stable. It is hard for me to fulfil their expectations because of my toxic childhood memories. Am I wrong?.  Please help me

Forgiveness is healthier for you. However, regarding living with your mother, I don't know if you are married or not, and if it would be a wise choice if you have a spouse and a troubled relationship with your parent. If she needs support, and you are able to provide her with independent support like rent her a place, provide groceries etc, then that may be a better alternative while you work on healing the wounds of the past with her/them.

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