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In the Name of God بسم الله

Should I be prepared to lose the marriage?

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Nevsevug

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If the husband says he believes only very little? From his stories about youth, it seems as though it has been getting less and less over time. I am afraid someday soon it will be completely gone. What should I do? I am very hurt and scared...

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11 minutes ago, Meedy said:

Maybe find out the reasons he is becoming like this.

Do you have any kids?

He thinks a lot of things are illogical or just not good (stuff like multiple wives being allowed etc) 

No kids

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It's very good that you don't kids at the moment because it would've made it even more difficult.

How does he feel about you? Is the same or is it fading away too?

Is something bothering him which he is not opening up that makes him feel like this. Perhaps feeling depressed, annoyed about the behaviors of muslims in the world etc.

Create a list of things that you could talk about which perhaps (God willing) it may cause him to come back to the straight path. Do your best.

I think you have to be careful how often you talk to him about or the method too ( I'm maybe wrong)

Do you know anyone else that can talk to him too (perhaps easier for him to open up a with man about things that bothering him)

If still not working in a year or 2 or however long you want then perhaps time to reconsider things.

I apologise if my advice is wrong. However do not have childern if you not certain about his faith.

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1 minute ago, Meedy said:

It's very good that you don't kids at the moment because it would've made it even more difficult.

How does he feel about you? Is the same or is it fading away too?

Is something bothering him which he is not opening up that makes him feel like this. Perhaps feeling depressed, annoyed about the behaviors of muslims in the world etc.

Create a list of things that you could talk about which perhaps (God willing) it may cause him to come back to the straight path. Do your best.

I think you have to be careful how often you talk to him about or the method too ( I'm maybe wrong)

Do you know anyone else that can talk to him too (perhaps easier for him to open up a with man about things that bothering him)

If still not working in a year or 2 or however long you want then perhaps time to reconsider things.

I apologise if my advice is wrong. However do not have childern if you not certain about his faith.

 

JAzakAllah for your help

Yes, I want to talk to him about it but he NEVER wants to. Whenever I try he shuts down. I am really afraid of telling anyone else so I don't know who to ask for help. HE cares for me a lot and I do too which is why it hurts a lot 

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He doesn't talk about it because he doesn't want to lose you? 

As long as he doesn't openly declare disbelief, you don't have to leave him. Why make problems for yourself? Be the best believer you can be, and in time he might come around. 

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1 minute ago, notme said:

He doesn't talk about it because he doesn't want to lose you? 

As long as he doesn't openly declare disbelief, you don't have to leave him. Why make problems for yourself? Be the best believer you can be, and in time he might come around. 

Thank you

I am just scared of forcing him to stay with me by not letting him talk about it or doing something that is against Islam without knowing 

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3 minutes ago, notme said:

He doesn't talk about it because he doesn't want to lose you? 

As long as he doesn't openly declare disbelief, you don't have to leave him. Why make problems for yourself? Be the best believer you can be, and in time he might come around. 

also what about kids ? I'm sooo scared of having kids and they end up denying islam

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2 hours ago, notme said:

He doesn't talk about it because he doesn't want to lose you? 

As long as he doesn't openly declare disbelief, you don't have to leave him. Why make problems for yourself? Be the best believer you can be, and in time he might come around. 

This is wrong in my opinion especially if they are considering having children in the future. The way you said this sounds to me like you are telling her to just let his loss of faith run its course, although maybe that’s not what you had meant to say.
 

The husband shutting down OP every time she tries to bring this up is another issue in itself. Maybe he needs some space but in the near future there needs to be a very open and lengthy discussion about his faith and where he sees it going in the future.

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Guest ra'inā

the length of relationship, age of partners and circumstances surrounding everyday lifestyle has a lot to do with why people deviate from their faith. they "know" all the right things but do not understand how to apply it in the context of their issues. generally speaking, relationships are built of trust. if one partner does not trust themselves with how they feel, it is not likely that they will trust the other. sometimes, they feel more comfortable sharing certain aspects of their feelings with other people, for fear of judgement. this is normal but to declare loss of faith might be a bit deeper, in which consultation from an imam would be best.

struggling with faith is a matter or putting one's actions or lack of actions into perspective with the world around them. if the level of respect they have for themselves and commitment to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is not reflected in the relationship between both partners...the world will seem like a giant party that you are not welcome to. if it is reflected between the two, your worlds will be the greatest celebration that not everyone has the esteem to attend.

hopefully it is a passing pang of maybe what we are collectively feeling as the world seems to be changing in favor of an 80/20 haram/halal split. i hope this passes and they are able to overcome this and that you will both be in a better place insha'allah.

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On 12/18/2021 at 6:55 PM, Nevsevug said:

He thinks a lot of things are illogical or just not good (stuff like multiple wives being allowed etc) 

No kids

If he wants, he can post his doubts here, and we can try to answer them. There are many knowledgeable brothers and sisters here. 

About a man being able to marry more than 1 wife, it is not illogical. It is only illogical if he limits his thinking to the circumstances he finds himself it at the present moment. From what I know there are two main reasons why marrying more than 1 wife is allowed

1. Men are similar to women, in terms of their mind, body, and spirit, but they are not identical to them. The biological differences are obvious, the mental and spiritual differences might not be as obvious. Once men pass a certain age, they then have a biological as well as psychological need for intimacy with a women thru the act of sexual intercourse and this need cannot be satisfied in any other way besides the act of sexual intercourse. This is different from women, who have a need for intimacy with a man, but this need can be satisfied thru other means other than sexual intercourse. Although for a women to be in a situation where she cannot (for whatever reason) have sexual intercourse with a man, for a long time, like years after being baligh,  would not be ideal or comfortable for her, but it would not destroy her psychologically and spiritually like it would for a man. 

When men are deprived of sexual intercourse for very long periods of time, they will be very much drawn toward habits which are worse than abstinence, and could destroy them spiritually and mentally, like getting addicted to porn / masturbation / etc, or even worse they turn toward doing homosexual acts or begin to find comfort in doing violent acts although they were not violent before. If you study men in prison, you will find this to be the case almost always. 

So for these reasons, men are allowed flexibility in terms of marriage because they need it in certain situations. For example, a man who is traveling to a foreign country for an extended period of time, deployed in the armed forces or for business, who is also married to a lady back in his home country. There are also other reasons, but this is the most common one. A man who is baligh and forced thru circumstances to be abstinent, although he is a normal man in terms of his desires, is more damaging to himself and to society than a man who is married to more than one women. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), the creator of men and women is the one who knows best their real nature in a complete sense (mind, body, spirit) and knows what is good for them and bad for them and also what is good and bad for society in general. 

2. There are certain circumstances where plural marriage is actually beneficial for society. That might not be the case at this moment in history, but there are many times in history where it would be beneficial. The most common example is after a war. Most of the people who are killed in war are men, so after a war there are more single women than single men. If the goal of society is to have most people in a stable marriage in which children can be brought up and raised in a stable and loving home, then it only makes sense that you would need to do something about those single women who cannot find a husband. 

Another reason is that in most societies, single women living without a man are in danger of being harmed by men in the society who are criminals. It is better and safer for them to live with a man vs. living without a man in the house. A man can protect them and shield them from the bad consequences of having these criminal men in society.  If you study instances of crimes against women in society, you find that in almost every case, the man who wants to do these crimes to a women first tries to determine if there is a man in the house or not. It is only once he discovers that there is no man in the house that he attempts his crimes. So a man being in the house is better for the women, because she is protected, and better for society, because there is less crime. 

 

There was a good lecture by Sayyid Mustafa Qazwini on the subject, I will try to find the lecture if requested. His basic premise is that a man who has a wife whom he is pleased with, and who is available to him should not get married to another women. There is no need for him to do that, and doing it might actually harm him instead of help him. So getting married to more than 1 women is not advised. It is not advised in all situations. 

 

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Thank you all for your kindness. I appreciate you taking your time to read and reply to my dilemma. Things have been better and we are in counseling. May Allah continue to guide us. May Allah bless you and your loved ones. JazakAllah

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