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Mutah with significantly older - experiences/advice? (MATURE BROTHERS ONLY)

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Guest Someone trying to help

Salām guys, 

I have a friend that asked me this question a few days ago. So in short, my friend is a college student in his late 20s who’s going through a lot financially and because he had a bit of tough/busy life apparently, he approached never got involved with any women. However, since he’s financial mess at the moment and probably might be for at least a while more, he isn’t in any position to get married nor does he want to. So to “cut to the chase” as he says, he was wondering in one of our conversations about 2 days ago, about doing mutah with someone significantly older, like 10 or 20 years, maybe even a divorced or widowed lady in her 40s to 50s, who is from within the community, since it’s harder for him to keep avoiding sins and he isn’t in any position to get married soon enough nor does he want to get into a marriage for the sole purpose of satisfying his urges.
 

So my questions about that before I can actually give this guy an answer is, has anyone in the community done this before. If so, briefly, what was it like, what were things to watch out for or notice, and what problems occurred if any?

 

Note: I’m not asking for advice like “be patient” or that kind of stuff, I’m asking for answers to the questions above. I implore you to kindly not take up my time with patronizing advice, especially since it’s not my issue to deal with particularly.

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Most of the time when i see young men being informed about mutah they are told that older divorcees are a good option because younger women will need their fathers permission which is unlikely to happen. But in my opinion I dont think its practical or likely to occur since most older female divorcees dont really have such strong urges and arent likely to enter another marriage just for the sake of sex (especially when they just got divorced which in many cases was in a very messy way or leaving behind a toxic husband).

This may be a common thing in Iraq and Iran where you have Shia majority + no social stigma attached to mutah, but outside of those two countries it is really very unlikely to happen at all. The only people that you can realistically do mutah in the West (assuming your friend is living in the West) is ahle kitab but that is a whole other discussion and its something that comes with its own risks. 

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Salam,

People often assume that they can wish themselves out of a marriage before they enter it. I do not know of any temporary marriages of this kind, but I have heard of young males who married significantly older women secretly with the intention to later marry young women then got stuck. By stuck i mean: the woman would call up the young wife and harass her, another demanded a continuation of the mutah, another (miraculously?) conceived and he now had a child he had to support and declare to future spouses, another demanded a change of status to permanent and announced their relationship to the whole community which led to a very messy ending to his then engagement.

So a person considering such a relationship should consider the possibility of remaining stuck in it forever and not being able to get out even if he thinks a contract will make it all black and white. The reality of dealing with humans is that there is hardly any black and white but a vast range of gray areas. There's also the assumption that the other party entering the relationship will continue the same way you do after entering it. So what happens if he enters it and remains focused on this being temporary while the other party starts wanting it to become a permanent or long term scenario, gets clingy, refuses to cut off, destroys future prospects or starts contacting the future spouses etc? 

Would the person be willing to share information with a future prospective permanent wife (presumably closer in his age range) about his previous marriages? It would be fair for the other party to know they are marrying a well experienced youth not a similarly inexperienced youth experiencing marriage for the first time.

I saw your disclaimer on not wanting the patience advise - but I will throw this in for others who may appreciate it: Keeping physically busy/engaged/active, taking certain diets, getting socially active and FASTING are very viable, practical and doable options which have significantly lower risks.

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On 11/2/2021 at 8:43 PM, Guest Someone trying to help said:

Salām guys, 

I have a friend that asked me this question a few days ago. So in short, my friend is a college student in his late 20s who’s going through a lot financially and because he had a bit of tough/busy life apparently, he approached never got involved with any women. However, since he’s financial mess at the moment and probably might be for at least a while more, he isn’t in any position to get married nor does he want to. So to “cut to the chase” as he says, he was wondering in one of our conversations about 2 days ago, about doing mutah with someone significantly older, like 10 or 20 years, maybe even a divorced or widowed lady in her 40s to 50s, who is from within the community, since it’s harder for him to keep avoiding sins and he isn’t in any position to get married soon enough nor does he want to get into a marriage for the sole purpose of satisfying his urges.
 

So my questions about that before I can actually give this guy an answer is, has anyone in the community done this before. If so, briefly, what was it like, what were things to watch out for or notice, and what problems occurred if any?

 

Note: I’m not asking for advice like “be patient” or that kind of stuff, I’m asking for answers to the questions above. I implore you to kindly not take up my time with patronizing advice, especially since it’s not my issue to deal with particularly.

Salam. I think it would be perfectly fine, Islamically, for him to pursue Mutah in the situation you described. I also think it would be much easier for him to find an older divorced lady for this vs a young lady who has never been married. Women at that age are looking for love and companionship (and sex, yes, sex, they still have these needs (sorry if there are any younger children looking at this topic)). The need for intimacy doesn't go away as women get older, it's just that most women who are divorced and older kind of give up on the idea because they realize they are seen as 'less desirable' by the community so they think it would be impossible for them to find someone. 

The one hazard, or difficulty that he needs to watch out for is that he should make it clear from the beginning about his intentions. He should do the contract and also make it clear to her that his long term plans are to marry someone his age, start a family, etc. He shouldn't 'lead her on' in any way and make her think that after the contract expires, he would want to renew it for a long period of time, like years. In this case, I don't recommend he do a Mutah contract longer than 1 year, because his financial situation may turn around, then he might want to move on with his life. 

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Sometimes when i read marriage topics and see the replies it makes me wonder if anyone who's replying actually has any experience in what they are suggesting.

 

All this mutah stuff sounds great in theory but in practice?

How many of the people here replying to this topic have actually done mutah? how did it go? did you break someones heart? or was your heart broken? was the temporary satisfaction worth it?
How did it affect your reputation in the community or family?

Again all this mutah stuff sounds great in theory. But in practice?

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@Abu Hadi @ummulbaneen

Salām,
Thank you for your inputs. They seem to be quite helpful, I’m thinking of a way to properly relay these advices to him. 

To put in a little bit more detail, without giving away his identity and betraying his trust. My friend is a little older than me, so he is somewhere 27-30, so he definitely isn’t some 18 year old boy that I can still patronize him with advice of patience and fasting (he’s religious and fasts a bit more than average sometimes even a week), he’s a mature man. One of the primary problems with him when it comes to a serious marriage is that he’s both a student who’s studying one of the harder engineering subjects which may take about 4-5 more years to finish and a low-pay labourer as a part-time and he’s not financial stable at the moment on top of looking after his parents. The thing is he himself doesn’t seem to be sure about this but it’s something he’s looking into considering should it not cause any problems and pretty much has no experience with any relationship since he’s deeply religious (he’s never even been in talks).

However it seems from what I understand  it’s important to watch out for hazards like a woman possibly turning out clingy or not understanding what his intentions so he needs to make those clear to at least avoid misunderstandings. However, the fear of such relationship coming back to bite him if he does eventually do a permanent marriage with someone age might be hazard that may be enough for him to avoid this course of action. 

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Wa alaikum as salam

I agree with what brother @Abu Hadi said. I also want to mention that despite the financial situation, the brother should not completely rule out permanent marriage. If he is open and transparent about his situation he might still find a partner who is ok with it (for instance a woman who already has an income). 

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13 hours ago, Guest Someone trying to help said:

@Abu Hadi @ummulbaneen

Salām,
Thank you for your inputs. They seem to be quite helpful, I’m thinking of a way to properly relay these advices to him. 

To put in a little bit more detail, without giving away his identity and betraying his trust. My friend is a little older than me, so he is somewhere 27-30, so he definitely isn’t some 18 year old boy that I can still patronize him with advice of patience and fasting (he’s religious and fasts a bit more than average sometimes even a week), he’s a mature man. One of the primary problems with him when it comes to a serious marriage is that he’s both a student who’s studying one of the harder engineering subjects which may take about 4-5 more years to finish and a low-pay labourer as a part-time and he’s not financial stable at the moment on top of looking after his parents. The thing is he himself doesn’t seem to be sure about this but it’s something he’s looking into considering should it not cause any problems and pretty much has no experience with any relationship since he’s deeply religious (he’s never even been in talks).

However it seems from what I understand  it’s important to watch out for hazards like a woman possibly turning out clingy or not understanding what his intentions so he needs to make those clear to at least avoid misunderstandings. However, the fear of such relationship coming back to bite him if he does eventually do a permanent marriage with someone age might be hazard that may be enough for him to avoid this course of action. 

First, I would say that he needs to get rid of this idea that he can control the future. Yes, you should plan for the future but also know that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) may have different plans for his life, and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is the best of planners. His main objective should be to solve the problem(s) that he is currently experiencing using the solutions that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has made halal for him. If he does this, and continues to do this, the future will work itself out. If he has an opportunity to do mutah, he shouldn't avoid this thinking 'Well maybe this will create problems for my permenant marriage in the future'. He should remember that noone is guaranteed a 'future' and he may die tomorrow or a week from now. He would be in a much better situation before Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) if he sticks to the present and present solutions. 

Also, I would say that if he does make it to the future ,gets permanently married, and his future wife has issues with his former relationship, provided this relationship is halal, even if he ends up having children from the relationship, I would cross this potential wife off my list, if it were me. Anyone who has a strong objection in the case when someone was pursuing the halal and wajib (if it is wajib for him to get married at this point) is someone who has weak or non existent Iman, and I would be very happy if Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) would give me such a sign before I married such as lady so I would never marry her and thus avoid the many problems and issues that would happen with her in the future due to her lack of Iman. 

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On 11/3/2021 at 2:59 PM, ummulbaneen said:

the woman would call up the young wife and harass her, another demanded a continuation of the mutah, another (miraculously?) conceived and he now had a child he had to support and declare to future spouses, another demanded a change of status to permanent and announced their relationship to the whole community which led to a very messy ending to his then engagement

You have given so many examples of people doing mutah. I assume these people live in the West or maybe Iran/Iraq.

It is surprising how common and easy it is to do mutah in these countries. It seems like in these countries, if someone wishes to do mutah, he/she can do it without facing any hurdles and difficulties. It is available to whosoever wishes to engage in it. The main concern for these people is not how they can do mutah, but about what will be the consequences once mutah has been performed. 

On the contrary, in other parts of the world, like India/Pakistan etc....the mutah itself is a completely alien topic. It is an unchartered territory - like a fairytale far from reality. It is something which is only and only  theoretical and not something which can be practically performed.

Just like slavery is an obsolete practise and cannot be implemented in today's world, similarly mutah is not a reality and is completely out of reach for many people who don't live in West or Iran/Iraq etc. 

This huge difference in the availability of mutah between different parts of the world shows how much opposite can be the types of challenges that Muslims face depending on where they live. People who live in areas where mutah is beyond their reach may possibly indulge more in sin because of absolute lack of mutah. Yet at the same time, they may be immensely rewarded for showing extreme degrees of sexual patience and self-control for suppressing their desires for extended periods, when they cannot get married and mutah is prohibited to them by their societies and is something far from reality. 

Edited by Maisam Haider
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8 hours ago, Maisam Haider said:

You have given so many examples of people doing mutah. I assume these people live in the West or maybe Iran/Iraq.

It is surprising how common and easy it is to do mutah in these countries. It seems like in these countries, if someone wishes to do mutah, he/she can do it without facing any hurdles and difficulties. It is available to whosoever wishes to engage in it. The main concern for these people is not how they can do mutah, but about what will be the consequences once mutah has been performed. 

On the contrary, in other parts of the world, like India/Pakistan etc....the mutah itself is a completely alien topic. It is an unchartered territory - like a fairytale far from reality. It is something which is only and only  theoretical and not something which can be practically performed.

Just like slavery is an obsolete practise and cannot be implemented in today's world, similarly mutah is not a reality and is completely out of reach for many people who don't live in West or Iran/Iraq etc. 

This huge difference in the availability of mutah between different parts of the world shows how much opposite can be the types of challenges that Muslims face depending on where they live. People who live in areas where mutah is beyond their reach may possibly indulge more in sin because of absolute lack of mutah. Yet at the same time, they may be immensely rewarded for showing extreme degrees of sexual patience and self-control for suppressing their desires for extended periods, when they cannot get married and mutah is prohibited to them by their societies and is something far from reality. 

I don't know about Iran / Iraq, but at least in the community I live, considered the 'West' mutah is not very common. It is done, and it is not a completely alien concept, but the vast majority of the couples (I am saying like above 90% in my experience) are married in Zawaj tul Nikah (aka permanent marriage).  If you were living in a real Islamic community (and those in both the West and the East are very far from this), Mutah wouldn't be that common. That is because it is not an open license to have sexual relations with whoever you want, but it is a solution for brothers and sisters who are in very specific types of situations, like the situation of the OP. These are usually temporary situations which happen in someone's life and then later resolve themselves. So that is why Mutah is different than Zawaj tul Nikah, i.e. there is a fixed end date for the marriage. I just don't like the term 'Temporary' and 'Permenant' marriage, because all marriage contracts are temporary, some end when there is a divorce, others when one of the spouses dies. I like the term 'fixed term' marriage because the end date of the marriage contract is known, unlike the other type where the end date is not known. 

The main problem in the 'West' and in the Muslim world in general is that the topic of Mutah is taboo (it is taboo even in the West, although maybe less so than other places) so there can never be an open, rational discussion of it. So it is done, but rarely discussed, and most of the people who do it don't know the whole picture about where it is and isn't appropriate to be done. Mutah is a tool to solve a certain problem. It is not a tool to solve every problem. It is like a hammer and a drill. A hammer can help you in certain situations, not in others. Same with a drill. If you want to make a hole thru a wall, you need a drill, not a hammer. If you want to pound in a nail, you need a hammer not a drill. If you tried to pound in a nail with a drill it wouldn't work. 

People should treat the subject like that of Salat, Saum, Hajj, etc. They should know when it is appropriate and not appropriate. They should know the hukm sharia (legislative rulings) concerning it, and then I think if it is discussed as another religious topic, and not a taboo, then when the situation arises where it is appropriate to use it, it will be done and people will not think of it as something 'taboo' or 'off limits'. They will think of it as another form of Islamic marriage, which is what it, in fact, is.  

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