Need advice - Marriage

[Guest Lostgirl]

Hello

I'm an Iraqi girl living aboard. I come from a very common Shia family where we pray and follow Islam i our daily life, u know dua kumayl every Thursday.  I'm a middle child, always happy, try to make everyone needs before mine,  never ever had a  problem in school and have good reputation i my city. You can say that I'm  daddys girl, we are very close. I'm the first child in the household to have an education and did go to uni and I  have fulltime job and doing my masters. I have two older siblings, sister and a brother who are married to irakies (they choose their partners aka cusins). and 4 younger sillings. 

The problem is:  five years ago, I met guy from another country, is sunni, and have another ethnicity. We got along very well and been together since then. We decide to make it official, and he talked to his family and I talked to mine. My family and especially my dad got very angry and said no. My dad scream and we had  huge fight. My mom wasn't on my side and said that your dads is the chooser. My brother and sister were to against too it because my brother hated the county that guys was from and always badmouthed him and religion and country,  The second time we talk to my parent we tried to talk to my dad through his friends who also know the guy. My dad said no, and we got into huge  fight that my dad actually hit me and told me  to forget about him. 

We keeps our relationship secret again but this time we are trying again. I'm scared to bring up the conversation because my parent thinks its over between us. 

Side information, my dad and brother  doesn't want to meet him and always say that he's selling drugs and is Daish which I know it's not true. The guy even said that he doesn't have problem to change side and become. The guys family is in his homeland. 

What should I do? I really can't see my life without him or my family...

ps sorry for my bad english. 

[pseudonym]

Assalaamun Alaykum sister,

Are you okay to say which country this Sunni brother is from?

Also being together with him as you know is not right so you must make this right immediately, even if you are just sitting chatting with each this is still not right. If you do Istghfaar (both of you), then Insha'Allah Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will open a halal way forward for you.

[Guest Lostgirl]

Salam Alaykum

He is kurd from Syiren.

[AStruggler]

Salaam sister.

Highly discourage marrying into another sect. It could create a whole lot of problems down the road, especially with trying to start a family together and all. And more importantly, it may result in damaging religiousity/spirituality.  

I understand that I may not be able to understand your feelings fully, and that you may be going through a lot of stress, but with all due respect, you seem to be under the negative influence of emotions, and you don't seem to be thinking rationally.  Also, as the user above said, it is not right to maintain a friendly and affectionate relationship with that guy. 

I pray the best happens, inshallah you get married very soon. But if I was in your shoes, I would end whatever relationship I have with the individual and delete all ties to the individual from my life (I'd maintain zero connection with him and maybe even block him on social media). With time you will naturally forget about him. And I would make a strategy and plan to get married. I would maybe consult with pre-marriage counsellors, scholars, and other senior members in the community, and then dilligently work on my plan to try and find a spouse and get married asap. 

InshaAllah you find the right one soon and have a beautiful marriage life!

[Abu Hadi]

23 hours ago, Guest Lostgirl said:

Hello

I'm an Iraqi girl living aboard. I come from a very common Shia family where we pray and follow Islam i our daily life, u know dua kumayl every Thursday.  I'm a middle child, always happy, try to make everyone needs before mine,  never ever had a  problem in school and have good reputation i my city. You can say that I'm  daddys girl, we are very close. I'm the first child in the household to have an education and did go to uni and I  have fulltime job and doing my masters. I have two older siblings, sister and a brother who are married to irakies (they choose their partners aka cusins). and 4 younger sillings. 

The problem is:  five years ago, I met guy from another country, is sunni, and have another ethnicity. We got along very well and been together since then. We decide to make it official, and he talked to his family and I talked to mine. My family and especially my dad got very angry and said no. My dad scream and we had  huge fight. My mom wasn't on my side and said that your dads is the chooser. My brother and sister were to against too it because my brother hated the county that guys was from and always badmouthed him and religion and country,  The second time we talk to my parent we tried to talk to my dad through his friends who also know the guy. My dad said no, and we got into huge  fight that my dad actually hit me and told me  to forget about him. 

We keeps our relationship secret again but this time we are trying again. I'm scared to bring up the conversation because my parent thinks its over between us. 

Side information, my dad and brother  doesn't want to meet him and always say that he's selling drugs and is Daish which I know it's not true. The guy even said that he doesn't have problem to change side and become. The guys family is in his homeland. 

What should I do? I really can't see my life without him or my family...

ps sorry for my bad english. 

They are against it for a good reason. The reason is because men are the 'agenda setters' in the household in Islam. So when he praises Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthman, etc, he will expect you to follow him in this. When he prays Taraweh, prays with his hands folded, etc, he will expect you to do the same. If you don't, you are then in a very difficult position, which you put yourself in. You will either have to do them , and go against teachings of Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)), or not do them, and risk trouble and most likely the breakup of the family. 

They don't want to see you in a situation where you are forced to make this horrible choice. That is why, especially women, are highly discouraged from marrying someone who is not on Tashua, i.e. not a follower of Jaafari Fiqh. Other than that, the fact that he is Syrian, etc, doesn't matter. If they are against him because he is Syrian, then they are wrong. But if they are against for the first reason I said, then you should consider this point. Salam. 

[Guest Lostgirl]

2 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

They are against it for a good reason. The reason is because men are the 'agenda setters' in the household in Islam. So when he praises Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthman, etc, he will expect you to follow him in this. When he prays Taraweh, prays with his hands folded, etc, he will expect you to do the same. If you don't, you are then in a very difficult position, which you put yourself in. You will either have to do them , and go against teachings of Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)), or not do them, and risk trouble and most likely the breakup of the family. 

They don't want to see you in a situation where you are forced to make this horrible choice. That is why, especially women, are highly discouraged from marrying someone who is not on Tashua, i.e. not a follower of Jaafari Fiqh. Other than that, the fact that he is Syrian, etc, doesn't matter. If they are against him because he is Syrian, then they are wrong. But if they are against for the first reason I said, then you should consider this point. Salam. 

The guy is not at all like that, he even told his parents and my parents that he can become shia if my parent wants. My Parets doesnt want me to marry someone outside of iraq.

The thing I like about him is that he is opended minded like me, doesnt really care about sekt or things like that. He never told me to change or anything.

Salam

[Abu Hadi]

20 minutes ago, Guest Lostgirl said:

The guy is not at all like that, he even told his parents and my parents that he can become shia if my parent wants. My Parets doesnt want me to marry someone outside of iraq.

The thing I like about him is that he is opended minded like me, doesnt really care about sekt or things like that. He never told me to change or anything.

Salam

If that's true, then I don't think it's a problem. They will probably test him though. They might take him for Salat Juma' and he will pray behind an Imam who follows Jaafari fiqh. They might take him to a majalis. You should also be clear with him that you are planning on raising your kids as Shia. If he has a problem with that, you will know that probably the marriage won't work. If he doesn't have a problem with that, then it has a chance to work. 

Whatever you do sister, and I am saying this sincerely from the bottom of my heart, you need to decide quick and end this secret relationship. There is nothing good that will come out of this. You have reached a cross roads. Either marriage that is open and recognized by your family or ending the relationship with him completely are your only two good choices. Salam and I wish you and him the best. 

Edited October 5, 2021 by Abu Hadi

[Abu_Zahra]

2 hours ago, Guest Lostgirl said:

The guy is not at all like that, he even told his parents and my parents that he can become shia if my parent wants.

Usually one follows a belief because they believe in it, not because someone else wants them to

[pseudonym]

From previous experiences when dealing with marriage related issues, many a time something like this situation is the path that is the guidance.

If this Brother is sincere in his love for our Iraqi sister, maybe it will Insha'Allah turn into the love of Ahlul-Bayt((عليه السلام)) and together they will achieve the ultimate joy of connecting with Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) together.