Can't have good akhlaq no matter what

[Guest I'veHadIt]

My household is one where at times people are nice to each other, but a great amount of the time, people are fighting, yelling, interrupting each other's speech, giving each other long lectures and rants, quarreling, getting into arguments over the smallest things, and always trying be "right" and dictate things their way (becomes an issue if someone is truly wrong).  Oh yes, in front of other people or on special events everyone suddenly becomes really good.

Things have been like this for a long time (talking about years and years here).What the hell do I do. I've tried being religious but to no avail. Today I had a giant argument with someone over me trying to purify a najis area on the floor according to Islamic law, but they just wanted to clean it their way which would have left the area najis and even spread it and screwed things up even more, making life hard, since najis things are transmissable if there's wetness. In the end nothing happend. The area is left as is.

Anyway, at this point I feel bitter towards everything and I feel I don't care about anything anymore. I'm also tired of consistently failing being good and failing my akhlaq (mannerisms) and lashing out at others. I don't know how the hell people do it, how the hell do people be good and always be polite. I'm tired of repenting and apologizing and putting on those temporary a*s smiles again and again, just for things to get screwed up days later. What hell, ughhh!!

The situation is so bad that if try and act polite, I'll probably get wired stares and looks and things will just be very awkward and uncomfortable, something I can't put up with. 

[realizm]

 

I would say that in such situations, rather than trying to be the best, start with being as less bad as possible - not sure if that's even correct English. 

Then take it step by step. 

[Guest]

On 9/8/2021 at 6:03 AM, Guest I'veHadIt said:

My household is one where at times people are nice to each other, but a great amount of the time, people are fighting, yelling, interrupting each other's speech, giving each other long lectures and rants, quarreling, getting into arguments over the smallest things, and always trying be "right" and dictate things their way (becomes an issue if someone is truly wrong).

Salam, 

First of all maybe you will find consolation in the fact that it's not just your household or your family. Many many and dare I say most people have to deal with difficult people in their homes. A number of Ahlulbayt(عليه السلام) had close family members who were problematic.  Personally, when I am facing a problem in dunya, I look at the lives of Ahlulbayt(عليه السلام) and whenever I contemplate over this for a bit I feel light. I think ,' if they were supposedly not good enough fathers, husbands or cousins according to some of their family members, then who am I to expect ease when dealing with my kin'

The above part I think you must already know and understand. From what I get the thing bothering you is your reaction to these problems. Maybe you lose control sometimes, maybe you have tried hard for a pleasant environment at home or at at least a happy medium and that's not happening and you feel you have failed.

Well remember

- we are fallible human beings. We will fail again and again. it's normal to feel dejected but with certain things we cannot give up, however one can take a break.

- The results don't count, it's the effort that does - with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), so every second you try to improve yourself as a muslim is being recorded as a good deed, regardless of whether you count it as progress or not. 

- I don't know if this is the case or not but maybe you sometimes act in anger and then try to make up for it later? if that's how it is then I would suggest you to stick to a balanced stance. Practise staying polite and maybe a little formal always. Consistent behaviour even if it means being a little less cheerful always makes things easier for you and others around you.

- There is lecture by Dr.Ammar Nakshwani titled 'relatives from hell' :P listening to it and reciting dua makaram ul Akhla helped me dealing with difficult people in my home.

 

On 9/8/2021 at 6:03 AM, Guest I'veHadIt said:

they just wanted to clean it their way which would have left the area najis and even spread it and screwed things up even more, making life hard, since najis things are transmissable if there's wetness. In the end nothing happend. The area is left as is.

Was it a possibility for you to have gone ahead with the cleaning operation without consulting anybody? :P Like if you wanted to wash an area you quietly move things away from the area, pour water over it, wipe it dry as much as you can afterwards so as not to inconvenience others?? Unless someone physically stops you, you can ignore any yelling and just focus on what you have to do. I have tried this around people who are being unnecessarily argumentative. I switch off my auditory system and get down to what I have to do, don't respond, don't react, finish what I have to do and then act normally afterwards.  It works! only it should be only resorted to in extreme situations. 

[Ehsan]

Salam,

Correct me if I'm wrong but it feels from your post that deep inside there is a great hole, an anguish, that you have left as is, it has grown and with it a frustration inside you that are is triggered by the smallest of events from the outside. The truth is that the majority of things that happens on the outside that we are disturbed by, in reality are things that are inside us that we dislike, and when we see it in others, our reaction is stronger. This occurs more with family members since you are similar to each other in some areas.

The hole is there for a reason. The anguish wants to pull you somewhere. Rumi said something along the lines of: At the end, the heart is tired of everything except the spiritual path to God.

When you are at inner peace, nothing on the outside can disturb it. Look at Imam Hossein(A) on the fields of Karbala - the Maqtal says that the more he was tested, the more his noor radiated! Now you're there, your friends have fallen, your family members, one by one - yet you shine! You are serene! You are powerful! You take one step forth, the entire army of darkness leaps back! 

First practical step: Find one moment during the day and make a khalwa. Go by yourself in some peaceful area, shut out all the external stress and sit for 5 minutes. Connect with God. Talk with Him. Remember all the blessings you have been given. Ask to become better. Make a tawassul. Feel that peace. Then go back. You need to find a reset point that you can go back to. For example for a dying or very sick person it is mustahab to place him in the mehrab (his praying area) because he fill find calmness there.

Believe me: you cannot run the battlefield. Because its inside you. Wherever you go, there will be something to disturb you. To quote a Hadith: even if you are on a piece of wood on the vast sea, God will appoint a Satan there to annoy you. In reality He will make the inside of you manifest on the outside. 

Quote

Say, "I only advise you of one [thing] - that you stand for Allah, [seeking truth] in pairs and individually, and then give thought." There is not in your companion any madness. (The Holy Qur'an 34:46)

 

[Guest I'veHadIt]

On 9/9/2021 at 2:01 AM, realizm said:

 

I would say that in such situations, rather than trying to be the best, start with being as less bad as possible - not sure if that's even correct English. 

Then take it step by step. 

Thanks a lot, will certainly try it out. 

On 9/9/2021 at 4:41 AM, starlight said:

Salam, 

First of all maybe you will find consolation in the fact that it's not just your household or your family. Many many and dare I say most people have to deal with difficult people in their homes. A number of Ahlulbayt(عليه السلام) had close family members who were problematic.  Personally, when I am facing a problem in dunya, I look at the lives of Ahlulbayt(عليه السلام) and whenever I contemplate over this for a bit I feel light. I think ,' if they were supposedly not good enough fathers, husbands or cousins according to some of their family members, then who am I to expect ease when dealing with my kin'

W.S. Thank you so much for your whole response. 

On 9/9/2021 at 4:41 AM, starlight said:

from what I get the thing bothering you is your reaction to these problems. Maybe you lose control sometimes, maybe you have tried hard for a pleasant environment at home or at at least a happy medium and that's not happening and you feel you have failed.

Yes, exactly. I'm just fine when things are smooth, but as soon as the tides get tough, before I know it, I slip...

On 9/9/2021 at 4:41 AM, starlight said:

- I don't know if this is the case or not but maybe you sometimes act in anger and then try to make up for it later?

Apologies are routine. 

On 9/9/2021 at 4:41 AM, starlight said:

Well remember

Thanks for those points, especially bullet 3, something to really reflect upon.

On 9/9/2021 at 4:41 AM, starlight said:

Unless someone physically stops you, you can ignore any yelling and just focus on what you have to do. I have tried this around people who are being unnecessarily argumentative. I switch off my auditory system and get down to what I have to do, don't respond, don't react, finish what I have to do and then act normally afterwards

That's impressive. Thanks.

On 9/9/2021 at 5:32 AM, Ehsan said:

Salam,

Correct me if I'm wrong but it feels from your post that deep inside there is a great hole, an anguish, that you have left as is, it has grown and with it a frustration inside you that are is triggered by the smallest of events from the outside. The truth is that the majority of things that happens on the outside that we are disturbed by, in reality are things that are inside us that we dislike, and when we see it in others, our reaction is stronger. This occurs more with family members since you are similar to each other in some areas.

The hole is there for a reason. The anguish wants to pull you somewhere. Rumi said something along the lines of: At the end, the heart is tired of everything except the spiritual path to God.

When you are at inner peace, nothing on the outside can disturb it. Look at Imam Hossein(A) on the fields of Karbala - the Maqtal says that the more he was tested, the more his noor radiated! Now you're there, your friends have fallen, your family members, one by one - yet you shine! You are serene! You are powerful! You take one step forth, the entire army of darkness leaps back! 

First practical step: Find one moment during the day and make a khalwa. Go by yourself in some peaceful area, shut out all the external stress and sit for 5 minutes. Connect with God. Talk with Him. Remember all the blessings you have been given. Ask to become better. Make a tawassul. Feel that peace. Then go back. You need to find a reset point that you can go back to. For example for a dying or very sick person it is mustahab to place him in the mehrab (his praying area) because he fill find calmness there.

Believe me: you cannot run the battlefield. Because its inside you. Wherever you go, there will be something to disturb you. To quote a Hadith: even if you are on a piece of wood on the vast sea, God will appoint a Satan there to annoy you. In reality He will make the inside of you manifest on the outside. 

Quote

Say, "I only advise you of one [thing] - that you stand for Allah, [seeking truth] in pairs and individually, and then give thought." There is not in your companion any madness. (The Holy Qur'an 34:46)

 

You read me like a book. Your post really hit deep. Thanks a ton for these beautiful words. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't almost tear up while reading it for the first time.

[Ehsan]

Salam,

Please do let us know of your progress. We are comrades and fellow travelers on this path! If there is anything of private nature that is bothering you that wouldn't want to expose publicly (even as a anonymous guest) then just drop us a private message and we'll do our best to help each other.

Imam Sadiq(A) said that in times of difficulty, don't trust on your nafs but turn to your brothers.

Edited September 14, 2021 by Ehsan