Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله

Video calls with prospective spouse

Rate this topic


Love4the14

Recommended Posts

  • Advanced Member

Salaams all,

wanted to get your opinions on the permissibility of video calls with a prospective spouse. Basically we were in a situation where we were not able to meet in person prior to Moharram so we did a few video calls. I already feel like I’m satisfied w his looks and I have been told by an alim in the past that video calls should be avoided. Makes sense to me esp if you find the person attractive. 
He seems fairly religious but I don’t want to do any haraam as I continue to get to know him. We’ve been talking by voice call as well but he sort of indicated he prefers face to face calls. How do I tell him I’d rather do regular calls without making him feel like he did something wrong?

And is there anything official in terms of marjas commenting on this? I wear hijab but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t make it ok lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
5 hours ago, Uni Student said:

If meeting face to face (provided that the proper etiquette is observed) is halal then theres no problem with video calls as long as the physical and social hijab is observed

I had the same rationale but I guess the difference is that a face to face halal meeting usually requires a 3rd person in the room while a video call is between 2 people. 
Many might say it depends on intentions but I’m not sure the rules are that liberal. Hence looking for some fatwas or something. A few Sunni sites say it’s haram but those are Sunni sites.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
9 minutes ago, Love4the14 said:

I had the same rationale but I guess the difference is that a face to face halal meeting usually requires a 3rd person in the room while a video call is between 2 people. 

I believe you don't need a 3rd person if you are in a public place 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members

It would be better to have a mahram involved in the conversations as you've mentioned the calls / videos are just the two of you, which will increase the likelihood of sinning, especially if both of you like the physical appearance of the other.

If you do want to get to know the person, you should involve your families and get them to meet up regularly where the two of you can then discuss with the intentions of marriage. 

You will need to set the boundaries, i.e. to tell your prospective spouse that communication can resume once you have a suitable environment, where it isn't just the two of you alone, before marriage.

I know this is a very abrupt way of handling things, especially as you've spent time getting to know each other, but this will save you a lot of unnecessary heartache later and will also prove to you if his interest in marriage is serious and not just a worded promise.

May Allah bring you both together, the right way insha'Allah, with a prosperous future. Ameen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Everything you said makes sense. The problem is that the discussions started right before moharram and there wasn’t time to plan a meeting as we live in different states. And we wouldn’t meet for the first time during moharram or safar obviously. So now all we have is phone conversation for the next two months which is fine for me provided it stays halal. He already spoke to my parents so I know he’s serious and I have no problem being abrupt with him about not doing video calls lol. I know Syed Asad Jafri had told me once that video should be avoided before nikah —but I didn’t know if any other scholars had weighed in. 

Edited by Love4the14
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
On 8/13/2021 at 12:45 AM, Uni Student said:

I believe you don't need a 3rd person if you are in a public place 

A lot of ppl seem to think that but I don’t think meeting up with a non mahram at a restaurant for example is ok. That’s essentially the same as dating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Be careful sister, things can go south very quickly even with the most pious people.

meeting 1 on 1 or 1 on 1 video call is not the best option available. I am sure there are better options available, perhaps you can discuss this with your family.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members
4 hours ago, Love4the14 said:

Everything you said makes sense. The problem is that the discussions started right before moharram and there wasn’t time to plan a meeting as we live in different states. And we wouldn’t meet for the first time during moharram or safar obviously. So now all we have is phone conversation for the next two months which is fine for me provided it stays halal. He already spoke to my parents so I know he’s serious and I have no problem being abrupt with him about not doing video calls lol. I know Syed Asad Jafri had told me once that video should be avoided before nikah —but I didn’t know if any other scholars had weighed in. 

Patience is key right now... I don't think it's a good idea to talk with a potential partner for marriage during Muharram. These are days of mourning for Imam Hussain ((عليه السلام)) and his beloved family, for their sacrifice. I would say put things on hold for now and continue to speak when it is possible to see each other in the company of Mahram. I presume when you say he spoke to your parents that this was over the phone, which is a step in the right direction. However, actions speak louder than words, so keep your guard up, and be open minded to any possible outcomes.

3 hours ago, slavelight said:

Be careful sister, things can go south very quickly even with the most pious people.

meeting 1 on 1 or 1 on 1 video call is not the best option available. I am sure there are better options available, perhaps you can discuss this with your family.

I would have to second the advice above, anyone can fall victim to their desires.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
17 hours ago, Mr Peace said:

Patience is key right now... I don't think it's a good idea to talk with a potential partner for marriage during Muharram. These are days of mourning for Imam Hussain ((عليه السلام)) and his beloved family, for their sacrifice. I would say put things on hold for now and continue to speak when it is possible to see each other in the company of Mahram. I presume when you say he spoke to your parents that this was over the phone, which is a step in the right direction. However, actions speak louder than words, so keep your guard up, and be open minded to any possible outcomes.

I would have to second the advice above, anyone can fall victim to their desires.

With all due respect I completely disagree about putting talks off for another two months . We initiated the process before moharram and all parties agreed it was fine to continue getting to know one another. Perhaps you are speaking from a cultural perspective, because I don’t feel I am disrespecting Imam Hussain. And from a shariah perspective there’s nothing wrong with taking to a prospective spouse during these months.  You can check that with an alim if you don’t believe me. How about people who speak for several months to a year before deciding? You think they didn’t talk during moharram?

 

let’s add in the fact that I am almost 40 and every month or two that I put off the marriage process, is a delay for me to potentially have children. If I had the luxury of being in my 20s then sure I’d have all the time in the world. 
 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members
4 hours ago, Love4the14 said:

With all due respect I completely disagree about putting talks off for another two months . We initiated the process before moharram and all parties agreed it was fine to continue getting to know one another. Perhaps you are speaking from a cultural perspective, because I don’t feel I am disrespecting Imam Hussain. And from a shariah perspective there’s nothing wrong with taking to a prospective spouse during these months.  You can check that with an alim if you don’t believe me. How about people who speak for several months to a year before deciding? You think they didn’t talk during moharram?

 

let’s add in the fact that I am almost 40 and every month or two that I put off the marriage process, is a delay for me to potentially have children. If I had the luxury of being in my 20s then sure I’d have all the time in the world. 
 

 

With respect to your personal situation, you should contact a religious scholar to get a qualified opinion, instead of opinions from a forum.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
10 hours ago, Love4the14 said:

And from a shariah perspective there’s nothing wrong with taking to a prospective spouse during these months

Correct. 

Most of the modern day cultural conventions associated to these months (and in fact, the 2-month mourning duration itself) cannot be traced back to the aimmah (عليه السلام)

While most people may be able to put aside certain important matters, such as marriage, for a couple of months, if the situation is critical then clearly something that has been described as half of the deen should not be neglected.

 

Edited by Mahdavist
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderators
On 8/14/2021 at 2:42 PM, Love4the14 said:

A lot of ppl seem to think that but I don’t think meeting up with a non mahram at a restaurant for example is ok. That’s essentially the same as dating.

Salam. Actually it's not. As long as its a public place (said above), and physical and social hijab is observed, including no physical (skin to skin) contact then there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Dating is when two people meet in a public place, and there are no rules or guidelines, as per above. So there is no common understanding about what can and can't happen in the interactions, which causes lots of problems and issues. 

It is not the face to face, physical meeting of two spouses, without a third person (in a public place) that causes the problem, Islamically. It is the lack of any ground rules or common understanding or agreed upon rules and expectations for the interaction that is the problem. If the guy is a mumin (in this context I mean practicing muslim) and he knows the girl he is meeting is also a mumina, the rules and expectations are already agreed upon and understood. So no need to worry. If you want to explicitly clarify with him what your expectations are for the meeting, I think most guys wouldn't have a problem with that. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
3 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Actually it's not. As long as its a public place (said above), and physical and social hijab is observed, including no physical (skin to skin) contact then there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Dating is when two people meet in a public place, and there are no rules or guidelines, as per above. So there is no common understanding about what can and can't happen in the interactions, which causes lots of problems and issues. 

I agree with you on this, because how would you be able to do business if you can't meet up with people in a public place? Granted I think that with the C19 situation it's probably better to video call people for any reason rather than meeting up with them, especially if neither of you are vaccinated, but I don't see why sharing a meal with a person, especially over business matters, would be something wrong. That's not a date, especially not if other people are present. I don't know, am I misunderstanding the original point?

This sounds like more of a cultural thing than an Islam thing to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...