I need help.

[noqvi]

Assalam alaikum. 

I have tried to keep this in for a very long time and Allah knows I've tried to solve this issue, but I just can't do it anymore.

I have ADHD (self-diagnosed because I can't afford a therapist) and OCD (also self-diagnosed). My parents want to marry me off to my cousin. They know I resent the idea of marrying him (I do not like him!) and so they lie to me and tell me they have no such intention. But I have overheard them talking about it. My siblings have told me my parents discuss my marriage with them. I hate it so much. I've told them very clearly how the idea of marrying my cousin (who is like a brother to me) gives me a severe headache that lasts days sometimes, but they don't listen. It feels like they don't care about me at all sometimes. 

It's also been very evident all my life how different they treat me and my brother. My brother misbehaves with my parents a lot but they simply shrug it off. They almost never scold him. But sometimes when I lose my head and raise my voice at my brother or at my parents (may Allah forgive me for this) they yell at me, call me very very derogatory terms, tell me I'm a worthless failure. They beat me up. One time my father beat me up black and blue because a guy from my grade (eighth grade) sent me a collage of his picture and mine. He punched me and kicked me and hit me with his belt until I almost lost consciousness. My mother loses her patience at me very often as well. Despite all that, I always apologize to my parents after and they tell me they've forgiven me. 

Sometimes when I speak up during any heated debates about social issues they shut me up instantly. They tell me I'm "ignorant" and "stupid" and that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. It's so frustrating because I want to discuss politics over dinner too! 

I try so hard to please my parents. Allah knows how hard I try. I go out of my way. I work all night and all day hoping they'd be proud of me. But they never are. They're only ever proud of my brother. And for me, all they want is marriage.

They don't care about my future. Currently I'm enrolled at a university that doesn't have a very good name and it especially shows when you're job-hunting. It's almost certain I'm not getting a job, or at least not a very well-paying one, if I continue with this university. But they're hell-bent on keeping me here. I have always been passionate about another degree (law) but they wouldn't let me pursue it. They say it's not for women, the career. 

In comparison, my brother goes to the most well-reputed, very expensive university in town. My father has already gotten my brother so many great internships that will help his career in the future. But when I tell my parents I've been accepted at any internship/job, they immediately refuse to let me go. They say they don't want me to work ever and that I belong in my in-laws' house. I'm so frustrated and tired and I don't know what to do. I got accepted to all five of my dream law schools last year but my parents refused to pay my fee and to let me go. They told me last year that they can't afford to pay for the law school. (They have never complained about paying my brother's high fee) I decided I could help with that and I worked all year, tirelessly, to earn enough to get me into law school. Now, alhamdulillah, I have enough for the first year. But they still wouldn't let me go. My current university is very very cheap in comparison.

I love my parents very very dearly. They are everything to me. Please don't think I hate them or even dislike them for this. It's just very very frustrating sometimes. It gets a lot to handle, especially now with my work-from-home jobs and online university. I have no older relatives to talk to. No friends (I have anxiety and my parents don't let me hang out with my parents which in turn drives them away) No grandparents. And I'm pretty sure my aunt hates me so there's that. (It's not baseless she's always humiliating me out loud in public and buys my siblings expensive gifts and rarely gets me anything lol)

I cannot keep studying at this hopeless university for a hopeless degree for a hopeless future. Please pray for me. And suggest what I should do in this situation. I've prayed to Allah and I've been asking for Imam Mahdi (ajtf) to pray for me for more than a year. The issue still hasn't gotten solved and I get that there must be some divine reason for that but I can't do this.

I'm sorry this is so long but I just need to let it out or I might commit suicide. This is killing me.

[Mr Peace]

Walaikumasalaam,

Know that Allah will only put you through hardship in life that you can handle; it's a test - after these hardships you will find ease.

Respect and cherish your parents; but there are certain lines to be drawn:

• The physical abuse you have described is unacceptable and this should never be tolerated.
• Forced marriage to your cousin is unacceptable, you are within your right to refuse.
• Your parents should not force a certain career path on you, as you have a right to decide what you want to become.

Communication is key; most relationships breakdown because people either don't talk to each other or they talk to respond rather than to listen, which results in arguments and abuse. Listening means to understand and empathise before responding. You need to show this to your parents in practice, to win their trust and they will reciprocate in turn, so you can then express yourself and show your parents that you have your own aspirations in life, and you can then go on to explain why it's okay for these to differ from what they have planned out for you. 

Life is short and you should do what makes you happy. So pursue education that you are passionate about - If you want to go into law then go to law school no matter what. Try to get your parents to help with costs, and if they won't then see if there is any government support, scholarships or student loans - I am sure there will be a way for you, just don't lose hope! It's never too late to make a change. The fact that you have worked tirelessly to pay the fees, shows how dedicated you are, and insha'Allah your efforts will pay off!

You need to have a sit down with your parents to express how you feel regarding marriage, career aspirations, feelings of unfair treatment and abuse...but as I mentioned above about communication, listen first and try to show your parents that you understand their perspective, before going on to express your point of view and try to persuade your parents to get their blessing beforehand.

It's unfair to not be treated as nicely as others in the family. Try to change your mindset to understanding that you can only control your own life and block out any negative thoughts that make you feel upset or undervalued.

It's very easy to let your personal problems boil over into your actions in the outside world, especially when you feel no one understands you at home. I must stress how important it is to stay focused and not let your emotions get the better of you in these situations. Know that things will get better in time, so try to avoid doing anything that you know will ultimately cause you or your family harm in the future. 

No matter how hard things get, please know that there are people here to support, even if it is just to offer words of encouragement and understanding.

May Allah grant you ease to your difficulties, Insha'Allah. Ameen.

[noqvi]

12 hours ago, Mr Peace said:

Walaikumasalaam,

Know that Allah will only put you through hardship in life that you can handle; it's a test - after these hardships you will find ease.

Respect and cherish your parents; but there are certain lines to be drawn:

• The physical abuse you have described is unacceptable and this should never be tolerated.
• Forced marriage to your cousin is unacceptable, you are within your right to refuse.
• Your parents should not force a certain career path on you, as you have a right to decide what you want to become.

Communication is key; most relationships breakdown because people either don't talk to each other or they talk to respond rather than to listen, which results in arguments and abuse. Listening means to understand and empathise before responding. You need to show this to your parents in practice, to win their trust and they will reciprocate in turn, so you can then express yourself and show your parents that you have your own aspirations in life, and you can then go on to explain why it's okay for these to differ from what they have planned out for you. 

Life is short and you should do what makes you happy. So pursue education that you are passionate about - If you want to go into law then go to law school no matter what. Try to get your parents to help with costs, and if they won't then see if there is any government support, scholarships or student loans - I am sure there will be a way for you, just don't lose hope! It's never too late to make a change. The fact that you have worked tirelessly to pay the fees, shows how dedicated you are, and insha'Allah your efforts will pay off!

You need to have a sit down with your parents to express how you feel regarding marriage, career aspirations, feelings of unfair treatment and abuse...but as I mentioned above about communication, listen first and try to show your parents that you understand their perspective, before going on to express your point of view and try to persuade your parents to get their blessing beforehand.

It's unfair to not be treated as nicely as others in the family. Try to change your mindset to understanding that you can only control your own life and block out any negative thoughts that make you feel upset or undervalued.

It's very easy to let your personal problems boil over into your actions in the outside world, especially when you feel no one understands you at home. I must stress how important it is to stay focused and not let your emotions get the better of you in these situations. Know that things will get better in time, so try to avoid doing anything that you know will ultimately cause you or your family harm in the future. 

No matter how hard things get, please know that there are people here to support, even if it is just to offer words of encouragement and understanding.

May Allah grant you ease to your difficulties, Insha'Allah. Ameen.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have no idea how much these words of affirmation and encouragement mean to me in these trying times. Thank you very much.

 

I've tried talking to them about my passion for law multiple times over the past two years, but it's always the same answer. But I will keep pressing. InshaAllah they will change their minds. I hope imam-e-zamana (ajtf) helps me out too. I hope my father changes his mind. 

 

And Allah bless you as well! JazakAllah.