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In the Name of God بسم الله

I dont know what to do, my mind's a mess. Need serious advice.

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Guest Distressed

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Guest Distressed

Assalamualaykum, 

Okay so here it goes. This is going to be a very long post but i will try to keep it short wherever i can. Im not good at writing things down but ill give it a shot hopefully Allah will convey my intended message to my sincere advisors, in sha Allah.

I got married about 7-8 years ago, and within a few days of our marriage, my husband had got arrested on terrorism charges. Back then, both of us were Sunni salafy. (As of now, both of us are shia isna ashari alhamdulilah). I moved to his parents house after a few months of his arrest and there starts a whole new story. 

I started to face a whole lot of problems from his family's side, mainly his manipulative mother and bewitched father and sister. I understand how problems between people is a very normal thing, and was told that each time i complained to my husband over the phone once in a while. But my situation is quite different from the regular quarrels misunderstandings and work torture that most women face where im at presently. On top of that, my husband is very naive has zero experience with people because hes been confined most of his life in his house with his manipulative narc mother that he has little practice on forming his own opinions about people and situations mostly because his mother used to do that for him straight into adulthood. Long story short, his mother turned his father and sister completely against me and now im a criminal in the house and this is my jail. They are extremely superficial when people come over or we visit. In fact, they portray themselves as very pious and righteous truthful. My husband has agreed to to some of their wrong actions in the past but very soon he would forget and i would haveto start all over again with ths explaining, something which im not very good at. Now im at this point where he has just told me, afterall theseyearand after all thats been happening, that he has recieved tidings from Allah that his family will accept our religion (shiism) and also strive alongside Imam Mahdi (عليه السلام) when he reappears. The truth is, they have continuously mocked me and the religion of Allah refusing to submit to Allah out of arrogance and only when they would go to meet my husband or speak to him over the phone would they pretend to be so righteous and concerned about religion. It makes me sick to the point that i can literally feel nauseous thinking about their actions. They dont even care about my husband thats how selfish they are. But my husband is unaware of the reality of his own family and he expects me to obey him by staying here with him. But heres my problem:

All these stressful years have taken a toll on both my mental and physical being. I try to rely on Allah for my happiness and my health. But seven years into it, i feel i am slowly dying. I cannot take this anymore and i want to return to my homeland away from this sickening place. I witness unimaginable things in his house but he is too childish to accept or believe that all that happens right in his home where his angelic parents and sister can be nothing but misunderstood by a woman who isnt  a liar but just cannot understand whats happening before her (ie me). 

I used to lovehim so much, if i have ever sacrificed anything it was for his sake so that he can be happy in not so much of a happy place (as he is in jail). But now, sincea few days, a thought has crept up my mind, i am starting to resent him, all because of his family and his immaturity to stand up and acknowledge it like a brave man would do.  I dont know if hes pretending not to notice, or under a magical spell (which he is most of the time), but ive had it. I am tired, exhausted and my minds not in its right place. Ive tried taking anti depressants but was stopped by a friend. I am just a girl whos trying to please her Lord. My husband doesn't understand his responsibilities towards me, even from behind bars, there are ways to help your wife withher life. But he just doesn't understand. He doesnt allow me to go back to my place, and everytime i ask, we fight because he doesnt get why i want to leave such a "peaceful" secure" home with his "family". 

please advise me what i can and should do in this situation. I cannot explain the whole 7 years to him now because if he didnt understand what has been happening all these years, how will he understand in one day? I am afraid that my resentment will eventually turn into hatred and i may want to go separate ways which i cannot imagine even in my wildest dreams. I love him ultimately.

I can elaborate on more details if needed. 

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What country do you live and do you have family in where you live, so you can go there (ok I understand he doesn't let you go back to your place).

Have you spoken with any of your family member about this and what do they say?

How many years left until he is release from prison.

Does his family members care if you leave to go back or would try and stop you?

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Salam sister,

Pack your bags and leave. If your husband had any form of respect for you or listened to your needs, then he wouldn't be a piece of crap. Seven years?! and he still refuses to believe the truth. I don't know whether or not you have kids, but if you don't then that makes it a whole lot easier to just leave the toxicity.

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) make it easy for you.

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Guest Distressed

There is nobody that can stop me from going back but the fear of Allah from disobeying my husband.

He isnt a bad person or even a normal good guy. He is very religious and known for his piety. He loves me a lot and i reciprocate the same for him. But lets be real, is love going to solve all your problems? Is it going to feed you food and clothe you, cure your illnesses and protect you from people's harm? I believe there are responsibilities we all have towards each other and because he is himself not in a position to fulfill them by being here for me, the least is expected that he strive somehow to make me comfortable while hes away. I also understand that he intends to, but he is not aware of the reality of his family and their manipulation and treatment towards me. Nobody that knows me from his relatives appreciates what hes doing to me and i cannot take his side anymore defending his decision. I want to, but theres nothing much i can do now, i have started to develop serious health conditions. Is it selfish of me to ask to be away and wait patiently with better mind and body while he is released? I will made to feel guilty and impatient and even emotionally redirected to staying here if i ask. Up until now, i loved to stay in his home with his family and i was ready to face all the nonsense happening to me day and night (yes, night too) under constant stress without complaining about it. And alhamdu lillah i do not regret it either. But i think its time to think just a tiny bit about myself (infact this is going to be beneficial for both of us in the long run) and ask him to be a bit less selfish and allow me to relieve myself of this state. I dont even know the correct ruling on my situation regarding his obedience in this matter. Is there absolute obedience or are there conditions? Hes only ignorant of my condition and his family, i know for sure, had he known what i know and face, he would have made better arrangements for me. But i have always tried to understand this and sacrificed every passing day just for his sake so he can be happy and peaceful where he is. I would lose patience some days but because i had no access to him or contact, i would get no chance to complain to him and solve my issues. And it would be too late to complain the next time i got a chance to tlk to him. But all thats fine, whats gone is gone, it was for the sake of Allah. I just need to make up my mind and leave if thats the right thing to do. Not him, but his house, until hes back.  

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Posted (edited)

I see no reason for you to continue living with your in-laws while your husband is still locked up. If he was living at home with everyone and you were still being mistreated then it's a different story but for now just go back home until his release.

Edited by Uni Student
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Salam,It's about a couple  who converted from Sunni to Shia Islam however father woman a a sunni Imam has been an open minded person

My father would tell me to becareful from the Shias

https://www.aparat.com/v/equNo/

http://shiastudies.com/en/amp/12907/reborn-father-tell-becareful-shias-hd/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSeK6oehbhk&list=PLtXT_1k6GIZ68zWW8vmiY-9Q4rMPq3VCn&index=22

On 8/10/2021 at 3:18 PM, Guest Distressed said:

his mother turned his father and sister completely against me and now im a criminal in the house and this is my jail. They are extremely superficial when people come over or we visit. In fact, they portray themselves as very pious and righteous truthful. My husband has agreed to to some of their wrong actions in the past but very soon he would forget and i would haveto start all over again with ths explaining, something which im not very good at. Now im at this point where he has just told me, afterall theseyearand after all thats been happening, that he has recieved tidings from Allah that his family will accept our religion (shiism) and also strive alongside Imam Mahdi (عليه السلام) when he reappears. T

Salam It's a streotypical behavior  in traditionalist families  specially when wife has great affect on husband as ex sweat baby of home which a solution is living couple in a seperate houe with keeping  relations or t least you must have your private area in house with keeping your boundaries .

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If your husband can not stand up for you, then you must seek help from your parents, if your parents are deceased, you must seek help from your siblings, if this is also not possible then I advice you to stand up for yourself. Are you steadfast in your duties before Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) going through these hardships then surely your reward will be immense in the hereafter. Rest assured that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) have shown you the righteous path but this path is filled with sorrow, pain and hardships and strengthen your remembrance of Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام). How did Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام) have patience and endurance especially here in Muharram? Surely it was because they knew with an utmost certainty that everyone will return to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and made to stand before him, answering for their deeds. 

I will keep you in my prayers.

wa'alaikum salam wa rahmatullahi barakatuh

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Guest Distressed
4 hours ago, Uni Student said:

I see no reason for you to continue living with your in-laws while your husband is still locked up. If he was living at home with everyone and you were still being mistreated then it's a different story but for now just go back home until his release.

Even if he disapproves of it? Am i being selfish by thinking about myself while he himself is not at ease behind bars? I think the least i can do to comfort him, or is it?

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Guest Distressed

But unfortunately many men are in denial until its too late. Or too high hopes from their own family. Or the family is extraordinarily sly and deceptive and it isnt his fault. I marvel at the hadith from Imam Sadiq ((عليه السلام)) that Allah has granted women 10 times more patience than men. I couldnt have imagined the world otherwise.

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Guest Distressed

Obedience vs disobedience. Is it required for me to stay in his home as he has commanded or should i disobey him (anger Allah) and move out. My reasons have been cited above, if valid, for disobeying his orders.

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10 hours ago, Guest Distressed said:

Obedience vs disobedience. Is it required for me to stay in his home as he has commanded or should i disobey him (anger Allah) and move out. My reasons have been cited above, if valid, for disobeying his orders.

Disobey

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11 hours ago, Guest Distressed said:

Obedience vs disobedience. Is it required for me to stay in his home as he has commanded or should i disobey him (anger Allah) and move out. My reasons have been cited above, if valid, for disobeying his orders.

Where would you go? If you leave his parents house, they can tell everyone that you ran away with some unknown man and they don't know where you are.

Reconsider running away. If your parents come to pick you up, they can talk to his parents and assure them that they are coming to pick you up and you will be staying with them. 

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On 8/12/2021 at 5:11 AM, Guest Distressed said:

Obedience vs disobedience. Is it required for me to stay in his home as he has commanded or should i disobey him (anger Allah) and move out. My reasons have been cited above, if valid, for disobeying his orders.

In Islam, the husband has the right and the duty to decide where the family is going to live. Whether that is with inlaws or without them. If the situation has gotten to the point where you feel strongly that your physical health or mental health (sanity) is in jeopardy because of your living situation, which your husband has chosen AND if he refuses to reconsider the living situation despite knowing your situation, then you might still love him, but (sorry to say this) he doesn't love you. No man who sees his wife in constant agony because of her living situation would keep her in that situation, if he had a choice. If he doesn't have a choice, i.e. this is the only place he can afford to live because of his financial situation, then that is different and he might love you but feels distressed himself about it. So in that situation patience is better. Also, some men, and especially men who are going thru financial difficulties, are not good at communicating with their wife / family. Inside they feel completely and utterly defeated, so they feel powerless and impotent so that they suppose that their words have no value.

So I would say there are three IFs to consider. IF your husband refuses to change the living situation and IF you have communicated your level of distress to him and he still refuses and IF he has a choice (i.e. he has the ability to change the living situation) then sit down and have a talk with him and tell him that this situation is absolutely intolerable to you and that you are going to go to a sheik and ask for a khula divorce. If you don't know what a khula divorce is I can explain that further but most women already know what this is. 

If after informing him that you are going to do this, and this still doesn't change his mind, then you should either go thru with it (i.e. get the divorce) or find some way to tolerate the living situation. One note, if you are going to 'threaten' him with divorce but you already know in your mind that you will not actually go thru with it, then don't even bring it up. If you threaten him with it, he doesn't change, then you don't follow thru, he will completely lose respect for you and this is something your marriage will probably never recover from. Don't threaten things you are not willing to go thru with. 

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Guest Distressed

This is the kind of advice i was looking for, JazakAllahu khayra. Although I have never considered leaving him nor will i ever, in sha Allah. The problem isnt with him but his family. Theres only one reason i am facing this and that's only because of his inability to understand my situation. His problem isnt financial because i manage my own expenses and am independent in this regard alhamdulillah. I have family who i can go back to until he is released and be safe secure and a bit better emotionally there. But he says it stresses him if i leave his home. I dont understand that excuse to the expense of my mental health and safety. However, I do think it would be a whole lot easier if he had atleast honestly accepted the difficulty and acknowledged the bad behavior of his family so that that takes atleast one burden off my chest. He doesnt agree when i tell him to get a third person involved because we both cant find a solution outselves. He doesnt listen to anybody, doesnt like being told by his wife, nor will try to understand things himself. So theres practically no way i can talk to him about anything thats happening now, so i guess the only thing thats left is to continue to endure. 

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Maybe he doesn't want to accept it or believe because he doesn't want to turn against his family

or he doesn't know how to talk to them about it, maybe fear of something (example, they might mock him )

Is it possible for you to move out and get a place of your own?

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