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In the Name of God بسم الله

How to deal with jealousy?

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Guest Daisy

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I have a family member, who, ever since I got married, and have a healthy marriage, has been suddenly dismissive, makes excuses to avoid contact, and has said some snide remarks that "I'm happy now, but in ten years, it'll be different." Obviously, I was very shocked and hurt by this person's comment. I considered this person close to me, and I never thought that they would be so consumed with bitterness at my happiness. I don't try to rub it in this person's face, I just live my life, and try to send good vibes and make dua that their life turns around. I gave this person they benefit of the doubt at first, tried to be empathetic to their less fortunate situation. However, recently I had a birthday and this person was usually the first person to text/call. Or at least send me a text message if I don't respond. Everyone else in this person's immediate family called/texted, but not this person. I was so hurt that this person has chosen bitterness over our relationship. It's not about my birthday, it's about the continuous dismissive and aviodant attitude since I have gotten married. I can't even believe that I'd be in a situation where this person would be so consumed with jealousy that they can't even text me for two seconds. On top of that, this person chose to message my mother that very same day saying that she called me and left out the part when I called her back twice, and claims they've been "so busy". My mother assumed that no one else had mesaged me but when I explained that everyone else both called and texted when they couldnt reach me, she was silent for a few moments, and didn't know what to say before she tried to diffuse the situtation by telling me that they've going through a tough time. But it didn't make me feel any better. I said, "everyone goes through a rough time, but that's no excuse to be dismissive like that."

I don't know what to do. My therapist has recommended that I keep in contact with this person, text them more often to promote healing, which I have been trying to do more of, but this is such a frustrating setback that I wonder if it's even worth it. Does this person want me to actually be miserable?

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I recommend that you prioritize your married life and move on from toxic external relationships. 

This doesn't mean cutting them off, but don't get pulled into feeling guilty or trying to do extra things just to satisfy others.

A genuine well wisher would wish the best for you without expecting anything in return.

If this person doesn't call you or text you then don't worry too much about it. 

Your family life comes first. 

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5 hours ago, Guest Daisy said:

I don't know what to do. My therapist has recommended that I keep in contact with this person, text them more often to promote healing, which I have been trying to do more of, but this is such a frustrating setback that I wonder if it's even worth it. Does this person want me to actually be miserable?

Please don't tell me that she is mad at you because she wanted to marry him and he chose you! 

Is she upset because you used to spend a lot of your time with her and now you spend all your time with your husband?

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On 8/2/2021 at 10:46 PM, Guest guest said:

Please don't tell me that she is mad at you because she wanted to marry him and he chose you! 

No it's not like that. This person is significantly older and already married. However, this person isn't happy within their marriage. 

They were actually the only person who kept telling me to not get married while everyone else was happy for me, even if some were unhappy in their own marriages too. I was so excited to share the news with them but was met with discouragement. Also, when they met my spouse, they weren't very enthusiastic and kept trying to find fault even in front of him. Even when I got engaged, this person kept questioning what our plans are, what he does for work. (When they already asked me before). I'm trying to leave out specific details of this person's exact behavior.

On 8/2/2021 at 10:46 PM, Guest guest said:

she upset because you used to spend a lot of your time with her and now you spend all your time with your husband?

No, they actually are telling other people to not talk to me because I am married. When I try to make an effort to still reach out and be close with this person. 

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On 8/2/2021 at 9:40 PM, Mahdavist said:

I recommend that you prioritize your married life and move on from toxic external relationships. 

This doesn't mean cutting them off, but don't get pulled into feeling guilty or trying to do extra things just to satisfy others.

A genuine well wisher would wish the best for you without expecting anything in return.

If this person doesn't call you or text you then don't worry too much about it. 

Your family life comes first

Thank you for this. In many ways, I am still mourning the loss of person I thought I knew. I know I have to move on, but it's hard. 

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14 hours ago, Guest Daisy said:

Thank you for this. In many ways, I am still mourning the loss of person I thought I knew. I know I have to move on, but it's hard. 

I understand and sympathize with your situation. You are a sincere friend but unfortunately she is not acting in your best interests. It would be unfortunate and unfair to you if your other relationships were impacted in the effort to please this one friend. Perhaps with time she will recognize her mistake and change her behavior.

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There are many toxic people that cannot see others being happy in this world; they will go out of their way to make you feel miserable.

This is a sad reality of life!

Nothing you do can rectify the situation in the eyes of someone who is envious of you.

The best thing you can do is forgive, forget and move on. 

If people want to believe lies about you from a jealous person it means they were never really your people. 

Prioritise your close family relationships and keep a respectable distance from everyone else.

In a case where you have to be around a toxic person, keep yourself busy so you don't have to engage with the person.

You will need to develop thick skin to block out the negativity around you.

It's not easy to ignore but for your own sanity try not to get caught up in the negative energy from others.

Negative / toxic people are really good at planting seeds of doubt and frustration in your mind if you let them.

I would highly recommend to keep your happiness within your marriage and family life as private as you can, to stay safe from the evil eye / nazar / jealousy of others. 

I think jealousy is a byproduct of insecurity, especially amongst people who compare their lives to others, without counting their own blessings.

Put Sadaqah daily for the protection of you and your family Insha'Allah.

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