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In the Name of God بسم الله

Brotherly talk & advice [Viewer Caution Strong language]

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Like all muslim young men I too suffer from sexual problems. Being single guy and not “releasing” causes me depression, anxiety, mental problems, loss of patience, easily irritated and tons of other issues. All this because I am at the moment unable to get married and am not allowed to stimulate my own genitals.

Being a skinny guy, fasting is not an option. Even during fasting my libido is high. The only way my mind is order is after I had wet dream, but even then the urges are strong. I feel like I am having many mental problems because of this issue of not being able to release my urges. This is like eating and drinking which is a human necessity, our sexual urge/release is also a human necessity, it’s not something that can be ignored. It’s not like heroin or alcohol which is not necessary for human survival.

Some might suggest mutah, but how can you say that? You wouldn’t think I would consider doing mutah if that was such a good option? Mutah even though halal, introduces tons of other problems, not to mention that no muslim girl will consider such.

Lets get real, no stupid advice. Most of you people probably not even been in relationship yet say do mutah.

This one single issue has caused me a lot of mental troubles, concentration issues, depression, anxiety, impatience, easily irritated etc. Sure when I have wet dream I manage to clear my head for a short while, but then it all comes back.

“stay occupied”, actually staying occupied for me increases my libido, working & studying. The only way I manage to reduce my libido is when I am depressed, that’s the only time I don’t feel urges because I feel unhappy and am depressed. As soon as I feel better, urges comes back………

Also, is it worth marrying someone permanently just for the sake of being able to release urges? Is this fair for the girl, when there’s not much “connection between the couples”. And the guy just want woman so he can save himself form falling into sin, but perhaps manage to fall in love with later.

This is serious issue all pious youths suffer from. Please don’t give stupid advice. Why do I say pious? Because the pious ones are the ones who keep away from haram, and by doing that and unable to get married they get mental issues as described above from not being able to release their urges.

By unable to get married I can give tons of reasons. Perhaps it’s monetary issue, maybe they are too young like 14 or 15, it may be that they are unable to find suitable partner, or many other cases.

So please no stupid advice or advice from people who have no clue what they are talking about.

[Edit: I am hoping to receive practical/realistic advice.]

Edited by Abbas.
Changing the tone of voice.
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14 hours ago, Guest brother said:

Being a skinny guy, fasting is not an option. Even during fasting my libido is high. The only way my mind is order is after I had wet dream, but even then the urges are strong. I feel like I am having many mental problems because of this issue of not being able to release my urges. This is like eating and drinking which is a human necessity, our sexual urge/release is also a human necessity, it’s not something that can be ignored. It’s not like heroin or alcohol which is not necessary for human survival.

Salam none of these issues can be count as an excuse  for not fasting because fasting in month of Ramadhan is obligatory except fasting causes serious helth problems  . Therefore  if you didn't  fast in month of Ramadhan so consequently  you must make up it however you can make up your fasts after passing summer since in cool days  you can control your urges better  than hot days but on the other hand marriage is not obligatory  except  you can't  control your urges & you feel danger of falling in Sin(s).

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24 minutes ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

Salam none of these issues can be count as an excuse  for not fasting because fasting in month of Ramadhan is obligatory except fasting causes serious helth problems  . Therefore  if you didn't  fast in month of Ramadhan so consequently  you must make up it however you can make up your fasts after passing summer since in cool days  you can control your urges better  than hot days but on the other hand marriage is not obligatory  except  you can't  control your urges & you feel danger of falling in Sin(s).

I do my obligatory acts............ Your advice is not really helpful. The issue here is not fasting...... don't change subject please.

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19 hours ago, Guest brother said:

Like all muslim young men I too suffer from sexual problems. Being single guy and not “releasing” causes me depression, anxiety, mental problems, loss of patience, easily irritated and tons of other issues.

Celibacy should not be causing you these issues. There is an entire nonmuslim community centered around semen retention and none of them have this issue. What i think is most likely happening is that you are giving too much attention to your urges instead of letting them pass like they are nothing. 

19 hours ago, Guest brother said:

This is like eating and drinking which is a human necessity, our sexual urge/release is also a human necessity, it’s not something that can be ignored. It’s not like heroin or alcohol which is not necessary for human survival.

Not true. Sexual pleasure is also not necessary for survival or even a happy life. However because you believe it to be necessary for a happy life, the lack of sexual pleasure will make you frustrated. You need to change your mindset. A lot of this has to do with mindset and the things you believe to be true about your urges. 

19 hours ago, Guest brother said:

This is serious issue all pious youths suffer from. Please don’t give stupid advice. Why do I say pious? Because the pious ones are the ones who keep away from haram, and by doing that and unable to get married they get mental issues as described above from not being able to release their urges.

Don't worry those who are committing haram are also going to be suffering from many issues as a result. Lower imaan, weaker marriages, etc. Stay strong

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5 hours ago, Uni Student said:

Celibacy should not be causing you these issues. There is an entire nonmuslim community centered around semen retention and none of them have this issue. What i think is most likely happening is that you are giving too much attention to your urges instead of letting them pass like they are nothing. 

 

 

5 hours ago, Uni Student said:

Not true. Sexual pleasure is also not necessary for survival or even a happy life. However because you believe it to be necessary for a happy life, the lack of sexual pleasure will make you frustrated. You need to change your mindset. A lot of this has to do with mindset and the things you believe to be true about your urges

 

That's not true at all. As for the nonmuslim community centered around retention, maybe they have hormonal issues or some other issues.
If celibacy wouldn't be causing these issues, no man would be married or have girlfriend. These urges are necessary for human survival.

There are books written by ayatullahs how celibacy is causing sexual problems and perversions amongst the youth and the above described issues.

maybe you are female.

 

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5 hours ago, Uni Student said:

those who are committing haram are also going to be suffering from many issues as a result.

I think the main question is: 

If someone cannot get married or do mutah for a very long time (several years) but he remains fully chaste, will he have to pay a price for this chastity in the form of mental torture, frustration, depression, lack of energy, emotional tension, physical irritation etc? 

Is there any way to stay chaste for a very long time and still not get frustrated and not suffer from agonizing mental torture, depression and physical pains because of being unable to release the sexual urge? 

If not....then it means that one has to pay this price for being chaste in this world. 

But Allah has said that he doesn't wish to put us through any hardships, so that means that pre-marital chastity should not cause all this mental torture. 

But then again, it is also said that following Islam can be as difficult as holding a lighted coal. The extremely, extreme mental frustration that one has to face in staying chaste may be an example of lighted coal. Perhaps there is absolutely nothing more difficult in Islam than to stay chaste before marriage for extended periods. And there is no worship greater than being chaste because the cost of chastity one has to pay is huge! 

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4 hours ago, Uni Student said:

I really can't imagine any reason why temporary celibacy would cause someone to suffer from depression anxiety etc. 

Actually came up with one possible reason. It's possible that if you were addicted or had a really bad habit of always touching yourself, then these issues that you describe of anxiety, irritability, etc are a form of withdrawal symptoms. In which case you just have to push through

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On 8/1/2021 at 2:12 PM, Mahdavist said:

We have the solution, which is marriage, but society has unfortunately made it more complicated than it needs to be. It's important for us to reverse this trend so that marriage once again becomes easily accessible among muslimeen.

That's the perfect solution; but needs an overall change in the society which may not happen in a day. It requires altering the thought process of the society as a whole and this can take years or even generations to happen. It is the best long term solution but not an immediate answer to any unmarried person's troubles. 

The question is that what can a common, young, unmarried man do today, to ensure that he doesn't suffer from extreme mental agony. If we simply tell such a man to "get married early" when the society will not allow him to do so, then this advice will not be very much practical for him.

Instead, I believe that he should be given advice on how to suppress, curb and reduce his sexual needs to such a low level that it doesn't cause any mental torture for as long as he remains unmarried.

Little children do not get frustrated due to unfulfilled sexual needs because they simply don't have sexual needs. Likewise, if a young man can reduce his sexual needs, then he will not suffer from any mental torture either. 

Now if we say this is an impossible target to achieve, then wouldn't that imply that we are equating pre-marital chastity as part and parcel with mental torture? In other words, are we saying that following Islamic rules of maintaining pre-marital chastity is equivalent to mental torture? This cannot be true because Islam is not designed to cause any such mental torture. 

So if an unmarried person is feeling tortured because of being unable to fulfill his sexual needs, then should he not assess why he let his sexual need increase to such an extent in the first place? Is it acceptable for him to blame the society for being cruel in preventing his early marriage but not also blame himself for letting his sexual desire go unchecked to the point that it leads to mental torture? I'm not claiming any holier-than-thou point here, rather pointing the finger at myself too and asking myself the same question in a general term..(even though I'm married).

What I believe is that the most ideal situation is that the sexual desire of a person who is unable to marry is extinguished to such a low level that it causes no mental irritation. 

When marriage and mutah are out of reach, then the best option is to have the lowest sexual desire humanly possible, so that there is no mental agony.

If we think it is an impossible task, then we would end up blaming chastity as the cause of torture and I do not think Islamically we should be thinking like this, because Islam is never the cause of torture for humans, including unmarried people.  

Of course, if an unmarried man suffers from mental torture because of remaining chaste and avoiding sins, then his reward  will be beyond imagination inshaAllah. But I believe this torture should not be the default or expected outcome of pre-marital chastity.

The most ideal situation would be that there is absolutely no mental torture for as long as one remains unmarried and this is what Islam wishes for us. Please share your views if you disagree as I'm not giving any verdict but only expressing my views (which may be wrong). 

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@Maisam Haider while marrying early has been made difficult it is certainly not impossible. It is still an option, albeit one that comes with challenges.

Regarding sexual desires, one must evaluate how much is naturally triggered and how much is stimulated. If a young man is not lowering his gaze and monitoring what he watches, then inevitably there will be negative consequences. While desires cannot be eliminated they can be reduced through lifestyle changes. 

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Posted (edited)

Yes, the community becoming more flexible in their thinking on marriage and less materialistic is the ultimate solution. I also, like other, don't see that happening anytime soon although we should continue to work in that direction. At the same time, it is still possible for a young man to save himself from getting heavily into haram. What the OP and others have to realize is that if you really believe that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) put you in a situation that is impossible, i..e impossible not to do haram, then you don't believe in the Haq (Justice) of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Not believing in the Justice of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is the same as kufr (disbelief). So this belief is a much bigger problem for you than staying away from porn and masturbation. If someone watched porn and masturbated multiple times per day everyday, but they still believed in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), including that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is Just and what they are doing is a sin, and it is their fault, because of their weaknesses that they are doing it and not Allah(s.w.a)'s fault for putting them in the situation THEN they have a chance and possibility of doing tauba (repentence) and this repentence being accepted by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and going to Paradise. 

Whereas if someone has never watched porn or masturbated in their life but they don't believe that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is just and has put them in a situation which is impossible for them to avoid sin (even though they are avoiding sin, which is ironic) then this person is a kafir and has no chance (unless he changes this belief) of going to Paradise since the place of the kufar is in hell unless they first change this wrong belief that they have. 

The ultimate goal of Shaitan(Satan) is not to make us do sins like watching porn. Shaitan only embellishes this (sin) in order to get us in the habit of doing it. When we get into the habit of doing some sin, then eventually we will view the sin as so light as to not need to ask forgiveness for it. Once we accumulate sins and don't ask forgiveness for them, this affects our Iman(faith in Allah), then eventually leads us to do kufr. Having us do kufr is the actual goal of Shaitan, not doing the sin itself. There are certain things that lead us to doing kufr, and that is why they are haram. So I think the main goal should be getting rid of this wrong belief that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) in not Just. Once this wrong belief is gone, then you will be in the place where you can actually listen to the good advice that has already been posted on this thread. 

To summarize these things, it basically comes down to 3

1. Restricting, as much as you can, viewing or hearing sexually suggestive content like movies, tv shows, games, etc. In the US, they have ratings for these things. Anything with an 'R' or 'MA' rating you should not be watching or listening to

2. Either mustahab fasting or giving sadaqa. If mustahab fasting causes you issues, then every time you have an extra dollar, euro, etc, instead of spending it on a fancy coffee or a game, etc, give it as sadaqa. 

3. Try to develop taqwa. The easiest way to do this is to watch your own habits and what you do and remember that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is always watching what you do. If you try as much as you can to keep this in your mind, then you will start to develop taqwa. 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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5 hours ago, Mahdavist said:

Regarding sexual desires, one must evaluate how much is naturally triggered and how much is stimulated.

I think this is a good point. The naturally triggered desire should not result in frustration, irritation, agony etc even if it is left unfulfilled for long durations. But artificially stimulated desires will lead to all these negative consequences.

So, if a person is forced to stay unmarried for a long time, the only sexual desire he should have should be the one which is natural and not artificial. Any sexual desire which a man has generated unnaturally (by not lowering gaze etc) is completely unnecessary, disastrous and may lead to mental torture and frustration, if not sins. So, an unmarried person cannot give an excuse to sin by claiming that he sinned because of his natural urges. 

The culprit is the excessive desire, not the natural urge.

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On 7/31/2021 at 12:39 AM, Guest brother said:

Lets get real, no stupid advice. Most of you people probably not even been in relationship yet say do mutah

You are trapped within yourself.

Are you really that weak that you cannot overcome your desires? 

Think of yourself man!! Your self at one hand, forces you to somehow drain yourself and when you obey your desires, yourself start accusing you for wrongdoing. 

You are suppose to neutralize this rebellious self. That is your task and you need to learn the means through which you can neutralize it.

You must know what is the command of God, you are required to obey Him and not to obey your vein desires. If marriage or muta'a is not possible for you, then exercise patience and ask God to pour patience on you. 

Best weapons with you, are dua and patience. Use them as support, try to avoid doing sins as much as you can. If you ever overcome in your struggle, ask forgiveness from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

Wassalam!!

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On 8/2/2021 at 1:22 AM, Mahdavist said:

@Maisam Haider while marrying early has been made difficult it is certainly not impossible. It is still an option, albeit one that comes with challenges.

Would most fathers be ok with a proposal coming from a young man in college with no income? 

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2 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

Would most fathers be ok with a proposal coming from a young man in college with no income? 

If they are following the guidelines of the prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)), then they should be ok with it if the young man has good morals, etiquette and faith. 

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Posted (edited)

But most fathers of today are not following these guidelines. The result is that young men have to wait, for a long time before they can get married.

Every generation has to face some specific tests...and the test of our generation is how to keep chaste for years and years without getting the chance for marriage or mutah. 

We should try to make marriage easy and possible at early ages, but one single individual cannot battle with the society as a whole. If a 15 years old boy wishes to get married and neither his parents nor the parents of any girl agree for marriage at this age, then the only option the boy has is to go on suppressing his desire and not fall into sins, even if it takes a decade or more to get married. 

It may even be obligatory for a 15 years old to marry, as per the rule that marriage becomes compulsory if there is fear of sinning. But marriage isn't something which is in a man's own hands. Other people, the parents, a girl, her parents all have to agree before his marriage can take place. In today's world, getting so many people to agree isn't something that a 15 year old can do himself. Therefore, what he has to do instead is to extinguish his sexual desire, battle with his urges and remain away from sins...for as long as marriage doesn't become possible, even if that means waiting years, if not a decade or more. 

 

Edited by Maisam Haider
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Posted (edited)

 

On 8/1/2021 at 2:00 AM, Guest brother said:

These urges are necessary for human survival.

The urge is necessary for survival, but the fulfillment of urge isn't necessary. If it had been necessary, then Islam wouldn't have categorically prohibited unmarried people from satisfying the urge. 

Since an unmarried person isn't allowed to fulfill his urge in any way at all, and is instead required to extinguish his sexual desire and suppress his urges, that indicates that it isn't necessary per se. It is a desire, but not an absolute necessity. 

If we tell unmarried people that it is necessary to fulfill the urge, then in case they are unable to get married, they may consider that if it is a necessity, then they have as an excuse to indulge in sin. That's why I believe that unmarried people should not be told that it is necessary to fulfill their desires... because they will then either consider this as a valid excuse to sin or they will get depressed and hopeless and wonder how much extreme patience they need to not do something which is necessary but is prohibited for them. 

Marriage itself is not obligatory. If it had been absolutely necessary to fulfill the urge, then wouldn't marriage would have been obligatory for each and every single person? 

Even a person who has fear of falling into and thus has made marriage wajib upon himself cannot fulfill the urge before marriage, regardless of how long it may take him to get married - thereby indicating that someone who isn't married cannot tell himself that he can sin because his sexual urge is a necessity. 

Allah does not test people more than they can bear. So I believe Allah does not give unmarried people a sexual desire so strong that it becomes necessary to fulfill it before marriage - otherwise it would be unjust that on one hand it is necessary to fulfill it and on the other hand Islamically it is haram to fulfill it. That's my opinion. 

Edited by Maisam Haider
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On 7/30/2021 at 2:39 PM, Guest brother said:

Like all muslim young men I too suffer from sexual problems. Being single guy and not “releasing” causes me depression, anxiety, mental problems, loss of patience, easily irritated and tons of other issues. All this because I am at the moment unable to get married and am not allowed to stimulate my own genitals.

Being a skinny guy, fasting is not an option. Even during fasting my libido is high. The only way my mind is order is after I had wet dream, but even then the urges are strong. I feel like I am having many mental problems because of this issue of not being able to release my urges. This is like eating and drinking which is a human necessity, our sexual urge/release is also a human necessity, it’s not something that can be ignored. It’s not like heroin or alcohol which is not necessary for human survival.

Some might suggest mutah, but how can you say that? You wouldn’t think I would consider doing mutah if that was such a good option? Mutah even though halal, introduces tons of other problems, not to mention that no muslim girl will consider such.

Lets get real, no stupid advice. Most of you people probably not even been in relationship yet say do mutah.

This one single issue has caused me a lot of mental troubles, concentration issues, depression, anxiety, impatience, easily irritated etc. Sure when I have wet dream I manage to clear my head for a short while, but then it all comes back.

“stay occupied”, actually staying occupied for me increases my libido, working & studying. The only way I manage to reduce my libido is when I am depressed, that’s the only time I don’t feel urges because I feel unhappy and am depressed. As soon as I feel better, urges comes back………

Also, is it worth marrying someone permanently just for the sake of being able to release urges? Is this fair for the girl, when there’s not much “connection between the couples”. And the guy just want woman so he can save himself form falling into sin, but perhaps manage to fall in love with later.

This is serious issue all pious youths suffer from. Please don’t give stupid advice. Why do I say pious? Because the pious ones are the ones who keep away from haram, and by doing that and unable to get married they get mental issues as described above from not being able to release their urges.

By unable to get married I can give tons of reasons. Perhaps it’s monetary issue, maybe they are too young like 14 or 15, it may be that they are unable to find suitable partner, or many other cases.

So please no stupid advice or advice from people who have no clue what they are talking about.

[Edit: I am hoping to receive practical/realistic advice.]

All right young man time for some tough love - most of the guys responding to this have gone through what you are going through. You are not the first and not the last to go through this.

I agree with @Cool that you've become obsessed with 'releasing'.

Serious, pious youth are not obsessed with releasing but out there being pious.

Practical advice 1: take up sports. I spent my teenage years between soccer, cricket and cross-country running for my school. I was too busy to think about "releasing" all the time. 

Impractical advice 1: if you can't find a young muslim girl for mutah, find an older non-muslim single/divorced woman looking to take on a young man with a high-libido :) 

 

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