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In the Name of God بسم الله

I hate men in my community

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Salam,

I am very angry, and annoyed and all the negative emotions you could think of. I don't want pity, i just want to get my point across to all the men out there who think they're all up there in society. Like I could write a 10 page article and it still won't be enough.
It absolutely disgusts me. Almost every day in the community I am surrounded in, I have to hear stories of crappy husbands and divorce. Who treat their wives like maidens, marry other women without their knowledge, refuse to help them and their children, talking to other women online, shaming and belittling their wives, controlling and being impulsive, restricting them and i can just go on and on. And before I get told , 'oh you're generalising, there's bad wives too that result in divorce.' I don't disagree with that, but the REALITY is that majority of men are douchebags and most importantly, MAJORITY of Saadeh, who think they own the entire community. Who think they deserve all the respect and entitlement compared to everyone else. Their ego flies through the roof and it is one of those main reasons why most families I hear avoid getting married to Saadeh because that is literally how they represent themselves. I don't understand why they're still respected other than the fact that they're direct descendants of Rasullulah(sawas). The fact that they even call themselves "Sayyed so and so", is enough to prove their arrogance. Sure a person, should feel pleased to be related to the Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام), but that does not make them any different to other Shia Muslims. 
It makes me to sick to the stomach. Being raised in a conservative environment, surrounded by conservative and egoistic men has given me a negative outlook on men in general and the idea of marriage. Many girls feel that way, and its also due to restrictions being placed upon them that they are prevented to marry outside their culture, or to be able to explore for themselves.  Their cultural beliefs and ignorance comes forth before deen.
And then when you give them this talk, they start being defensive cause their pride can't handle it. Like just shut up. 

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They're not all like that. Don't generalise. I used to glorify them. Then I was really disappointed because I too thought most of them boasted a holier-than-thou demeanour. Now I'm slowly starting to realise that just because someone is a Sayed doesn't mean he's bad. Doesn't mean he's good either. It means nothing. Character is the ultimate demarcator. Upbringing is also very important

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52 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

Almost every day in the community I am surrounded in, I have to hear stories of crappy husbands and divorce. Who treat their wives like maidens, marry other women without their knowledge, refuse to help them and their children, talking to other women online, shaming and belittling their wives, controlling and being impulsive, restricting them and i can just go on and on.

I agree with this part though. It's a shame that men like them even get married in the first place

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On 7/17/2021 at 2:55 AM, Patient Warrior said:

I see this quite a lot unfortunately. Some of my friends that are Iraqi, Syrian, Lebanese can be completely described as man-childs who are actively pursuing pleasure. Yet they'll still find themselves getting the attention of women in our community who make the mistake of overlooking flaws such as these in an attempt to reform them. Then they get surprised when they marry them and all the behavior never really left.

 

A very valuable point. I wish more young women would listen to this. There are always two sides to every issue

Whatever you are looking for in a group of people, you will find it. At the same time, maybe we all should spend a little less time looking for things, that if we find them, will make us angry and upset.

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2 hours ago, Patient Warrior said:

see this quite a lot unfortunately. Some of my friends that are Iraqi, Syrian, Lebanese can be completely described as man-childs who are actively pursuing pleasure. Yet they'll still find themselves getting the attention of women in our community who make the mistake of overlooking flaws such as these in an attempt to reform them. Then they get surprised when they marry them and all the behavior never really left.

Exactly!

I do agree with most of what the sister has said. This is a huge flaw but this is a symptom to a problem and also a consequence of wrong decisions.

Many woman just deliberately surround themselves with wrong category of men just because they are smart, cool, have a way in talking, there personality appeals and they don't look like nurds. 

Woman get inclined towards presentation and when they get attached and closer, they see the core which is completely void of any goodness. 

What do we expect if we will just ignore the teachings of Ahlulbayt (AS):

The Prophet has said, “When a man whose religion and character pleases you comes to you [with a proposition], then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be chaos and a great corruption in the world.” 

How many women really follow this hadith???? When you will read it out in front of them the reactions will be:

"But, but... What about the nature."

Then comes Hadith from Imam Hasan (AS):

"Marry your daughter to a man of faith because even if he dislikes her, he will not be unjust to her."

But who cares what Imam says?

You get the response:

"Yeah, you are right but...."

And if we will follow our own ways instead of seeking guidance from the holy figures, the consequences will be exactly what we are seeing today. 

They follow there whims, superstitions, inclinations etc.

Same with men, they follow beauty and wealth and then they expect there children will be pious and good.

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I find it hard to believe, considering that even in Pakistan you can hardly go on doing the stuff you mentioned without repurcations, how do women live with that there in West.

As others have mentioned we have other standards than Allah told us.Unfortunately that along with the temptations we have around us we are left with not worthy family system.I know of people who married their daughter's in higher social circles and the poor thing was divorced within a year with a child.

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8 hours ago, User 313 said:

They're not all like that. Don't generalise. I used to glorify them. Then I was really disappointed because I too thought most of them boasted a holier-than-thou demeanour. Now I'm slowly starting to realise that just because someone is a Sayed doesn't mean he's bad. Doesn't mean he's good either. It means nothing. Character is the ultimate demarcator. Upbringing is also very important

you clearly didn't read my thread properly. i never said all of them, i said MAJORITY of them are like that. You'll only find a few that will be humble and won't boast about their status. That's just the reality.

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44 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

you clearly didn't read my thread properly. i never said all of them, i said MAJORITY of them are like that. You'll only find a few that will be humble and won't boast about their status. That's just the reality.

Apologies for my ignorance sis. Also sorry that I came off as defensive, that wasn’t my intention. 
 

I’ve personally had a lot of encounters with the Sadeh and I still think there’s a vast majority of them who are humble. Because they’re not as outspoken as the arrogant ones, we tend to miss them. I don’t know if you’re an 3elwiya (just by judging your username) but if you are I’ll also add you to the list of modest sadeh :)

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17 hours ago, starlight said:

What other category of me is out there,especially in the younger generation?

I'd say scholars, natural born leaders and masculine mumineen are definitely out there among our youth. The same way not every woman is like the ones that I interact with; full of vanity, malevolence, manipulators, degenerates and gold diggers. We shouldn't deal with absolutes even if sometimes generalization is called for. It only takes one counter example to nullify a universal quantifier.

17 hours ago, starlight said:

It's not just women empowerment, I fail to see any strong men too but most of all it's the breakdown of the family structure that's the culprit. I absolutely loathe the nuclear family system. There is no guidance or care from elders but more than that children grow up lacking essential skills like taking care of family members and mutual tolerance. People never learn how to hold a family together through the ups and downs of life and this manifests later as divorces and abandonment of children.

It's a serious problem on both sides of the genders and there are many factors contributing to this divide that we're seeing. Masculinity and femininity are being redefined. I attribute this to the activities of feminists and LGBT blurring those lines. Nobody is willing to bring up the true attributes that makes a partner attractive and appealing because it boils down to sexism. Thus the nuclear family is being expunged at an alarming rate.

This generation has to deal with the technological revolution and its ramification on social conventions and interactions. I return again to social media because it seriously has changed the dynamic in which one is capable of outreaching to multiple people.

17 hours ago, starlight said:

I was talking to some colleagues and was shocked to learn how common extra marital affairs are amongst married women these days.

Saw a study that showed quite a large portion of American children today are wrong about who their biological father is. Cheating has become the norm and sometimes would be overlooked because it was the partner who was lacking. I've seen that reverse uno card played several times.

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Posted (edited)
13 hours ago, Zainuu said:

Imam Hasan (AS):

"Marry your daughter to a man of faith because even if he dislikes her, he will not be unjust to her."

An important point in this statement is that it is possible for a man of faith, a man of justice to be married to a woman whom he dislikes. But if a man is of faith, he normally would not dislike his wife unless she is really a very bad person. So his dislike for his wife would be indicative of how bad she is. That's why when a man is married to a woman who he likes, he should not take this for granted, because many pious, God fearing men are often married to very bad women. 

Edited by Maisam Haider
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1 hour ago, Maisam Haider said:

An important point in this statement is that it is possible for a man of faith, a man of justice to be married to a woman whom he dislikes. But if a man is of faith, he normally would not dislike his wife unless she is really a very bad person. So his dislike for his wife would be indicative of how bad she is. That's why when a man is married to a woman who he likes, he should not take this for granted, because many pious, God fearing men are often married to very bad women. 

Nice point. This even indicates that if simply someone is bad and not worse, he/she should not be divorced. Divorce is also becoming a norm today. Relationships have stopped surviving. There is absolute lack of patience, endurance and 'dealing with the problem' instead of 'quiting'. I agree (before anyone points out) that exceptions are there and divorce sometimes becomes a need but the threshhold is now very low at which a relationship breaks. 

So, the angle you produced for this hadith indicates that 'getting along' and 'sustaining a marriage' should be more preferred than 'moving on' or 'quiting' on small things.

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40 minutes ago, starlight said:

I used to have firm belief over this until I got married to an 'apparent man of faith'

Traditional perspective about 'what 'faith' means' was inaccurate.

I believe whoever he was, his faith was not real. Someone who abuses cannot be faithful.

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4 hours ago, Maisam Haider said:

That's why when a man is married to a woman who he likes, he should not take this for granted, because many pious, God fearing men are often married to very bad women. 

Many ‘pious God fearing men’ appear that way until they show their true colours after marriage.

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1 hour ago, Zainuu said:

I believe whoever he was, his faith was not real. Someone who abuses cannot be faithful.

 

2 hours ago, starlight said:

I used to have firm belief over this until I got married to an 'apparent man of faith' That was my only requirement from a prospective spouse (and no I am not a very bad person) but all I got from.the marriage was years of physical and verbal abuse. Things aren't that simple and one can't always peek into someone's heart to judge their level of faith. 

 

10 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

Many ‘pious God fearing men’ appear that way until they show their true colours after marriage.

How does one catch these things before marriage, how do you know you aren't being played by the other person

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20 hours ago, Zainuu said:

Exactly!

I do agree with most of what the sister has said. This is a huge flaw but this is a symptom to a problem and also a consequence of wrong decisions.

Many woman just deliberately surround themselves with wrong category of men just because they are smart, cool, have a way in talking, there personality appeals and they don't look like nurds. 

Woman get inclined towards presentation and when they get attached and closer, they see the core which is completely void of any goodness. 

What do we expect if we will just ignore the teachings of Ahlulbayt (AS):

The Prophet has said, “When a man whose religion and character pleases you comes to you [with a proposition], then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be chaos and a great corruption in the world.” 

How many women really follow this hadith???? When you will read it out in front of them the reactions will be:

"But, but... What about the nature."

Then comes Hadith from Imam Hasan (AS):

"Marry your daughter to a man of faith because even if he dislikes her, he will not be unjust to her."

But who cares what Imam says?

You get the response:

"Yeah, you are right but...."

And if we will follow our own ways instead of seeking guidance from the holy figures, the consequences will be exactly what we are seeing today. 

They follow there whims, superstitions, inclinations etc.

Same with men, they follow beauty and wealth and then they expect there children will be pious and good.

Why do people forget that there are many so called faithful pious men that turn out to be pieces of garbage? The world's a scary place and sometimes one can't distinguish between good or bad especially if they're blinded with love. It may sound like I'm bashing men and like I even care, but I also don't understand where you find women who continue to live with their husbands amidst the emotional and physical abuse. 

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2 hours ago, Uni Student said:

How does one catch these things before marriage, how do you know you aren't being played by the other person

 All i know is looking out for major red flags is a must. Know whether he's serious or not by asking the right questions. Don't rely on just knowing him and his family's reputation 'cause thats how the community may see them, but they might turn out different to what u expected.

some communities don't allow the engagement period to extend, which is a problem

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9 hours ago, starlight said:

I used to have firm belief over this until I got married to an 'apparent man of faith' That was my only requirement from a prospective spouse (and no I am not a very bad person) but all I got from.the marriage was years of physical and verbal abuse. Things aren't that simple and one can't always peek into someone's heart to judge their level of faith. 

No, you're right you can't peek into someone's heart. What you can do (and I am not saying you didn't do this) is look at the evidence that is right in front of your eyes regarding a man's character. Also, you can inquire about the person in the community where they live. Getting information about a prospective spouse is the ONLY case in the religion of Islam where you are allowed to disclose someone's bad points to a third party. This is a major sin (Gheeba) in any other situation, but in this situation it is allowed. There is a reason for that, and the reason is that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) knows you cannot look into someone's heart to see what their true intentions are and once someone commits to a marriage it is very difficult to get out of this commitment.

Most men are not that cleaver in hiding their current or past behaviors that are unIslamic. So there are going to be clues around. At the same time, like the sister said, most women (and most men) are blinded by their infatuation for the person and ignore these clues. If you look at the discussions about marriage given by the ulema (at least the English speeches), most of the ulema talk about this and warn brothers and sisters against doing this. 

I have said this many times, and I will say it again, if you only look at one thing about your potential spouse, look at his / her relationship with their immediate family (mother, father, brothers, sisters). This is a preview of what you will be getting in the marriage. If they are kind and respectful to their mother and father, brothers and sisters, and the relationships within the family are based on kindness, deference, and mutual respect, then this is a huge positive sign that the marriage will be this way. If the man, or the women is unkind or disrespectful to their parents or siblings with the excuse that 'Oh, they did this and this or they are not good people, etc, etc', then I would suggest marking this spouse off for consideration rigth then and there. They might not be lying (i.e. their mother and father, sisters and brothers) might have done some things to them that were bad, but if they don't have the wisdom and maturity to attempt to do 'Islah' (mending relationships) with their own close family, you can almost 100% guarantee that they will not try to do that with you and this disrespect and enmity will be part of your marriage relationship

The other major red flag is if they try to keep alot of basic things secret from you (their finances, what type of job they have, their past friends, or their immediate family, etc). In almost all cases, this is because there is something extremely negative in their past that they don't want you to find out about. If they are in the habit of keeping these secrets or lying about major things (like the above), then this is another huge red flag. If you see this you should not go forward with the relationship. If people would stick to a few basic guidelines, 99% of these marriage issues would not ever happen. There are some cases where a brother or sister never saw any of these red flags (actually didn't see them rather than just ignoring them). In that case, the marriage was a test from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and we are sometimes tested by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) in the marriage relationship. If fact, we are almost always tested by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) thru marriage, even if the spouses stay together there are still tests. 

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On 7/17/2021 at 6:10 AM, Zainuu said:

Exactly!

I do agree with most of what the sister has said. This is a huge flaw but this is a symptom to a problem and also a consequence of wrong decisions.

Many woman just deliberately surround themselves with wrong category of men just because they are smart, cool, have a way in talking, there personality appeals and they don't look like nurds. 

Woman get inclined towards presentation and when they get attached and closer, they see the core which is completely void of any goodness. 

What do we expect if we will just ignore the teachings of Ahlulbayt (AS):

The Prophet has said, “When a man whose religion and character pleases you comes to you [with a proposition], then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be chaos and a great corruption in the world.” 

How many women really follow this hadith???? When you will read it out in front of them the reactions will be:

"But, but... What about the nature."

Then comes Hadith from Imam Hasan (AS):

"Marry your daughter to a man of faith because even if he dislikes her, he will not be unjust to her."

But who cares what Imam says?

You get the response:

"Yeah, you are right but...."

And if we will follow our own ways instead of seeking guidance from the holy figures, the consequences will be exactly what we are seeing today. 

They follow there whims, superstitions, inclinations etc.

Same with men, they follow beauty and wealth and then they expect there children will be pious and good.

The 'bad boy' thing I think is not that relevant to muslim women / girls. This is more for non muslims. What is true, though, about muslim women and women in general is that they are much more attuned to the 'social scene' around them vs men. They are very aware of who is around them, who they are, what they are saying, what they are thinking about and they will try to conform their own behavior, even their own thoughts to what other people and other women around them are thinking. They do this, most of the time unconsciously, i.e. they are not even aware they are doing it. Men do this too, but to a lesser extent. 

So, as a consequence, women want the man that other women want. If a man is seen as desirable by other women who are in the group they consider to be 'their' group, whatever that is, then they will also want him and be inclined toward him. If you look in the Quran at the story of Zuleykha and Prophet Yusuf, this was illustrating this point. This is an absolute rule which is almost never broken. So if a man wants to get married, he can use this to his advantage. Some men already know how to do this. It might seem a little 'fake' or 'inauthentic' at first but it works. It is a 'life hack', if you want to put it that way. Find a man who is being 'talked up' amoung the women who are in your community and try to take on some characteristics of that man. Of course, the characteristics that are halal to take on. Not become a clone of him, but try to figure out what are the characteristic that make him attractive, then try to emulate as many of those as you can. 

As an example, I can tell you that Sayyid Ammar Nakshawani is a man who is very much 'talked up' by the women in our community. If you look at Sayyid Ammar, I think there are two things that make him this way, in reputation. First, and most importantly, he has confidence. He knows who he is, and he is not shy about telling people about it. He doesn't apologize for who he is or try to be a 'Western muslim' or 'modern muslim' whatever that is, by compromising what he believes in to pretend to be something that he is not. As the famous hadith goes, 'Whoever fears Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will make everything afraid of him and whoever doesn't fear Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will make him afraid of everything'. 

The second thing is that he speaks to people on their level and tries to communicate with the society based on what they understand. Some people say that it's because he's Sayyid, good looking, wears fashionable cloths, etc. Those things don't hurt, but there are lots of Sayyid who are good looking and wear fashionable cloths who don't have the respect and admiration that he has. There are many Sayyid, ulema, probably many even in London who are more knowledgeable than him, maybe taller than him, etc. The problem is that many of them go to the hauza, then come back and just sit in their masjid or their center, and pretend like they are living in Iraq or Iran, with no regard for the society around them that they are living in, and make no attempt to communicate with them. So because Sayyid Ammar is knowledgeable, and he doesn't do this, I think this is also why he is more widely respected. 

I am not sayying 'become Sayyid Ammar' because you are not him, but be 'who you are' to the maximum level and try to have an effect (good effect) on the society around you. This good effect will translate into marriage prospects, eventually. 

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15 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

Also, you can inquire about the person in the community where they live.

He lived in US, I was in Pakistan. We couldn't inquire before marriage but right afterwards when I met some of his friends and their wives they were singing praises of him, how he helped build the local hussainiya, how he baby sat one close friends's son for years so the kid was closer to him than his own dad, how excellent he was at his work, and lolz, how angry he got when a guy living there married a girl from back home, abused her and he was among the few people of the community who made arrangements to send the girl back home, one friend's wife even went on to say he was on considered a very eligible bachelor with people in their social circle wanting him to consider their sisters etc. 

 

26 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

only look at one thing about your potential spouse, look at his / her relationship with their immediate family (mother, father, brothers, sisters).

He was on excellent terms with his immediate family and very close to his extended family too. Things are very different now in this aspect but at that time he was very close to them.

 

I don't know what went wrong. I was willing to cross oceans to make things work. I guess it all comes down to fate and test from Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

Thank you for you advice, very helpful as always. 

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8 hours ago, starlight said:

So what's the accurate one?

The inaccurate one is that:

He prays, he fasts etc etc. 

Maybe if he does, he is truly faithful but it can backfire too.

Accurate one:

He should be humble and down to earth and it should be resembled from his actions, not only talks. Being discipline, humble and low profile are the true characterstics of a faithful man.

8 hours ago, Uni Student said:

How does one catch these things before marriage, how do you know you aren't being played by the other person

Inquire about him in detail and unless you know all your answers, don't give up. Don't assume anything and don't be shy about asking. Best would be to visit him anytime you feel like randomly, without any specific planning. Don't give him or excuse him for anything.

A faithful person would be transparent and sincere and his true intentions will appear right in all his character.

People might say that it is not a perfect solution, but to the extent a fallible can go, you can't do more than this. Among men, there are literal beasts and dangerous men with dangerous thoughts who are most of the times unable to hold up for long and unable to answer everything and sometimes a simple visit at home reveals there story.

Here, in my relatives, a woman was offered a proposal from Australia. The family lived in Lucknow and man lived in Australia. The woman's family was impressed. But it came to there knowledge very soon that the man actually married a christian in Australi before just for a citizenship and then left her. But they were still investigating about him. 

I was surprised, what is the need to check further about such a guy who has already shown some bad signs. 

She again got another proposal and this time the marriage was fixed. But before the marriage date they were given some chance to communicate. She found that the guy is a bit strict and rude. She dropped the proposal straight away. She was clever. What many women do is that they get succumbed to pressure and neglect these things. They think that it will work and then they fall in the trap. 

In Islam, divorce is bad but not rejected someone before marriage if something is fishy.

5 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

but I also don't understand where you find women who continue to live with their husbands amidst the emotional and physical abuse. 

Society is literally filled up with such women.

 

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37 minutes ago, starlight said:

He lived in US, I was in Pakistan. We couldn't inquire before marriage but right afterwards when I met some of his friends and their wives they were singing praises of him, how he helped build the local hussainiya, how he baby sat one close friends's son for years so the kid was closer to him than his own dad, how excellent he was at his work, and lolz, how angry he got when a guy living there married a girl from back home, abused her and he was among the few people of the community who made arrangements to send the girl back home, one friend's wife even went on to say he was on considered a very eligible bachelor with people in their social circle wanting him to consider their sisters etc.

He was in US and you in Pak, so how did you understand that he is faithful.

Plus, it seems to be surprising that what went wrong when he was so nice in eyes of everyone.

What I can sense is that he was influenced by some other wrong person which turned everything upside down. That is an unfortunate case. 

Or maybe Blackmagic. You believe it or not but black.magic exists and some people do it to destroy the life of others. I have such cases in my family.

Anyways, it is not necessary for you to answer my questions or if you want to I suggest you to answer on PM because it is your personal life and past.

My prayers for you and May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) have mercy on you and bless you with prosperity.

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Posted (edited)
56 minutes ago, starlight said:

He lived in US, I was in Pakistan. We couldn't inquire before marriage but right afterwards when I met some of his friends and their wives they were singing praises of him, how he helped build the local hussainiya, how he baby sat one close friends's son for years so the kid was closer to him than his own dad, how excellent he was at his work, and lolz, how angry he got when a guy living there married a girl from back home, abused her and he was among the few people of the community who made arrangements to send the girl back home, one friend's wife even went on to say he was on considered a very eligible bachelor with people in their social circle wanting him to consider their sisters etc. 

 

He was on excellent terms with his immediate family and very close to his extended family too. Things are very different now in this aspect but at that time he was very close to them.

 

I don't know what went wrong. I was willing to cross oceans to make things work. I guess it all comes down to fate and test from Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

Thank you for you advice, very helpful as always. 

Salam. I wasn't saying this to criticize you personally. I hope you didn't take it the wrong way. I was only speaking in general

But this is why I advise brothers and sisters not to do these 'oceans between us' marriages unless you have the ability to check out the reputation of the potential spouse in their local community. If you can't do this, it's almost like you have a huge blindspot, which is very far from ideal and can open someone up to being tricked. At the same time, I realize that many times there is no choice but to go in with this blindspot because of circumstances. Had you been able to do this, you probably would have found out things that would have been helpful for you in deciding whether to marry the person or not. It is general advice for others who are looking to get married. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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10 minutes ago, Zainuu said:

so how did you understand that he is faithful

I lived with him for a number of years as his wife!!! 

17 minutes ago, Zainuu said:

 

A faithful person would be transparent and sincere and his true intentions will appear right in all his character.

Very naive statement to give, I must say. 

 

11 minutes ago, Zainuu said:

suggest you to answer on PM because it is your personal life and past

Thank you brother but I am good.

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Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, starlight said:

lived with him for a number of years as his wife!!! 

Actually this is something personal to you so I won't say anything about it. But if you walked miles and he didn't take a step, this is exactly what arrogance means. So, the description you have given up until now, I don't think he was a man of faith. Maybe my other assertions suit this. But I am not sure.

You said - Very naive statement to give, I must say. 

But statement was more than this actually.

Edited by Zainuu
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12 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

Salam. I wasn't saying this to criticize you personally. I hope you didn't take it the wrong way.

Ws, I didn't. I was merely expressing my opinion that there is little that's in our control in certain areas despite having an illusion of things being otherwise. I know couples who got married with the minimum of background checks, I know couple who spoke/met for the first time after Nikkah was done and things worked out well for them Mashallah

What you have written is what I hear from most people for whom things worked out . I guess that's how humans are, they take credit for good things and blame fate for the ones that didn' turn out well when in things could have very well gone they other way in the same circumstances. 

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I agree with @starlight, one can do all the 'screenings' possible and unfortunately still end up in a dreadful marriage. I have seen cases where people changed dramatically and where almost unrecognizable from their previous selves. 

At the end of the day, as humans our knowledge is limited and restricted and at one point the best we can do is keep a pure intention and try and seek the pleasure of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Some marriages will sadly not work out, perhaps this was a test in life, but the best one can do is to enter it with noble intentions. 

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Posted (edited)
27 minutes ago, starlight said:

Ws, I didn't. I was merely expressing my opinion that there is little that's in our control in certain areas despite having an illusion of things being otherwise. I know couples who got married with the minimum of background checks, I know couple who spoke/met for the first time after Nikkah was done and things worked out well for them Mashallah

What you have written is what I hear from most people for whom things worked out . I guess that's how humans are, they take credit for good things and blame fate for the ones that didn' turn out well when in things could have very well gone they other way in the same circumstances. 

Yes, my current marriage has 'worked out'. I only take partial credit for this. A marriage (or anything else) working out is a blessing from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). People get blessing from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) in one area or another (like work, looks, sense of humor, good personality, intellect) and other areas are test for them. It's not the same for everyone. In order for a marriage to work, both people must be dedicated to making it work. If both are not dedicated, it won't work. Plain and simple. The fact that I am dedicated to this and my wife is also dedicated to it, and it is a blessing from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for me and my wife are all essential factors. If any one of those was missing, I would be in the same situation as you. I do take credit for the things that I did in order to make the marriage work, but I don't take credit for the ultimate success or failure of the marriage, as this is out of my hands. 

Also, my current marriage began when I was 27 years old. I had other marriages (temporary) and relationships (before I became muslim at 21) that didn't work out, including a few that ended very badly in a spectacular fashion. So I understand how this goes, although I'm glad now, Alhamduillah, that everything is working out in this area for me. I wish the same for all brothers and sisters what I have myself, and especially the mumin/a. That is why I try to give others the benefits of my experience, and the mistakes I made in the past, so they can avoid these mistakes. I don't know everything about the subject, but I know more about it than many young brothers and sisters on the site. 

I am not the smartest person in the world, the most good looking, the most wealthy or the most religious. I think the one thing that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) gave me is being tenacious. I don't give up when things don't work out the first time. I keep trying and I know that with time and effort, things will work out with the help of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Maybe that's my only good quality, Allah alim. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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