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In the Name of God بسم الله

I hate men in my community

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16 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

But what you also need to understand is that in ignorant communities where there are some girls who feel pressured and refuse to talk about their past in fear of rejection.

This is very true but I still feel like both males and females should be upfront about their past especially if it involved sexual encounters. If they conceal this it’ll inevitably backfire on them during their marriage. I think a male or female facing rejection is far better than refusing to divulge important details that the other person deserves to know before signing a marriage contract. That’s just a recipe for disaster in my opinion and the marriage is bound to eventuate in dissolution  
 

18 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

You find that most men want a 'clean' and 'chaste' women who has never had sex or dated anyone. Yet the dude isn't even perfect himself and slept with multiple women, and rejects the idea that its okay to marry a woman who did that once in the past.

I do agree with this, the double standards in our communities are shocking. 

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All of this talk of terrible men can be avoided, everyone, if people develop and listen to their intuition, and write out a list of the things they want in a spouse, and have enough experience to understand what qualities you can tolerate verses deal breakers. Unfortunately, we don't give advice on how to choose an appropriate spouse, we just tell them to look at every basic/general qualities that anyone can meet. Such as prayers, making money, "good family", etc. Those qualities, while important, don't really mean much. You have to be alert and attuned to the red flags. Which is what we don't emphasize on. We criticize non-Muslims from breaking off relationships, but that's because they are trying to find the most compatible person for them, not just "good enough". At least if they get divorced, you can't say that they never loved each other, only that life got to them.

And don't think that lower divorce rates mean anything in the Muslim community, either. They just stay together because of shame/cultural taboo and for "the kids", all the while they spend their days in the masjid or other social gatherings to sit around and complain about their husbands. 

It's honestly not "luck" or rocket science if you find a healthy partner. I am of the opinion that we need to stop thinking of a marriage, good or bad, as something "that happens" to us, like an earthquake or a flood. That denounces any concept of free will and choice. Just like we choose what to eat for breakfast based on resources available, wether you want to cook yourself food or go to a diner, just like we choose to go to college or not, we also choose our spouse because getting married is an active decision. I believe that Allah sends us potential partners for marriage, good or bad, and we got to decide if we want to stay with them, get married, or get divorced. We are not like the Sunnis where we believe that marriage and divorce is entirely pre-ordained by God. Allah might send you for example, potentials until you get married. Let's say 5 people at different times, some great people, some bad people. Then you choose if you want a person with certain qualities over others.

Also, I think we need to encourage people to start thinking more deeply as what constitutes a healthy relationship. Not just general qualities like simply wanting a good marriage--everyone wants that. So I encourage people reading books from psychologists, reading on your temperment, attachment styles, go to therapy to better yourself and become the healthiest you prior to accepting a potential. I read a lot of books, articles, and pretty much obsessed over what is a healthy partner and relationship, after a few bad experiences prior to meeting my spouse. I refused settle for anything less. I told myself that if that meant I was 50 and unmarried, then so be it.  Thankfully, I found my spouse soon after. 

I would recommend everyone reading the book, "How to Keep the Love You Find", written by a psychologist. 

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Lastly, I blame the sheikhs and scholars for not speaking up about the concept of healthy relationships. All they say is, "find someone who is on the deen and inshallah it will all work out." "Don't reject a practicing Muslim with 'good' character" "Don't have an extravagant wedding" "ask around about his character and family". These ideas, while nice in theory, are very generic qualities and concepts to look for and promote a naive outlook. A lot of people have good families but that's doesn't mean the person is good for you. A lot of people practice their religion, but that doesn't mean they're compatible with you. A lot people ask around, but that doesn't mean anything, people act differently in the community, put on a show, hide the skeletons in the closet, vs how they behave in private. Our community encourages living inauthentically for the fear of supposed tarnished reputations and upholding shared collectivist values. We have set the bar higher, hold people to a higher standard. It's actually pretty sad that we, as a community, believe that marriages are supposed to fizzle-out and that major problems are to be expected in marriages and are normalized. There is nothing normal or healthy about a toxic marriage, nor is it solely because Allah "is testing us". Let's stop kidding ourselves: that's a cop out response. I've met so many people who are so blinded by their own faults, and blame the other person for the break down of a marriage. (With the exception of an abusive or a cheating spouse or a financial abuser/lying about finances/drug abuser, In that case, the other partner is absolutely the victim.) Marriage is probably one of the only things that we can control. IE: if we want to get married or not and how we choose to treat our spouse. We don't always get to choose family or friends, but we do choose our spouse. We don't get to choose cancer or a broken bone from an accident, that's a test. But a marriage going south? Time to stop blaming Allah and start looking at what you can do to have a healthier marriage.

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18 hours ago, Guest Window said:

Lastly, I blame the sheikhs and scholars for not speaking up about the concept of healthy relationships. All they say is, "find someone who is on the deen and inshallah it will all work out." "Don't reject a practicing Muslim with 'good' character" "Don't have an extravagant wedding" "ask around about his character and family". These ideas, while nice in theory, are very generic qualities and concepts to look for and promote a naive outlook. A lot of people have good families but that's doesn't mean the person is good for you. A lot of people practice their religion, but that doesn't mean they're compatible with you. A lot people ask around, but that doesn't mean anything, people act differently in the community, put on a show, hide the skeletons in the closet, vs how they behave in private. Our community encourages living inauthentically for the fear of supposed tarnished reputations and upholding shared collectivist values. We have set the bar higher, hold people to a higher standard. It's actually pretty sad that we, as a community, believe that marriages are supposed to fizzle-out and that major problems are to be expected in marriages and are normalized. There is nothing normal or healthy about a toxic marriage, nor is it solely because Allah "is testing us". Let's stop kidding ourselves: that's a cop out response. I've met so many people who are so blinded by their own faults, and blame the other person for the break down of a marriage. (With the exception of an abusive or a cheating spouse or a financial abuser/lying about finances/drug abuser, In that case, the other partner is absolutely the victim.) Marriage is probably one of the only things that we can control. IE: if we want to get married or not and how we choose to treat our spouse. We don't always get to choose family or friends, but we do choose our spouse. We don't get to choose cancer or a broken bone from an accident, that's a test. But a marriage going south? Time to stop blaming Allah and start looking at what you can do to have a healthier marriage.

They tell you to look for someone with good character, because this is what Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) said. There are many famous hadiths about this, but they basically all boil down to look for 'Deen and Aklaq, Deen and Aklaq, Deen  and Aklaq'. Make sure that the person you are marrying has good Deen, i.e. they do the wajib and avoid the haram, and if they do the haram, they ask for forgiveness and make a strong intention never to do it again. Also, they treat others with kindness and respect and don't violate the rights of others. The irresponsible thing would be to not emphasize this, since the religion of Islam so strongly emphasize it. 

This is going to determine the felicity or misery of the marriage for both people. If you have two people with good deen and good aklaq, you will have a happy marriage. If you have either one or both people with bad deen and or bad aklaq, you will have a miserable marriage, and probably the marriage will end at some point. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) doesn't want us to be miserable in our marriage, so this point is emphasized. 

They speak about not having an extravagant wedding, because most sheiks know (because they've done alot of weddings), the more extravagant the wedding, the shorter and less happy the marriage, and especially if the couple doesn't have the means to do this kind of wedding and are responding to community and family pressure and have to go into debt in order to make their wedding extravagant. Also, I have been to more than a few weddings in my life and I have found this to be true. The bigger and more extravagant the wedding, the shorter the marriage. The smaller and less fancy the wedding is, the longer and happier the marriage is. I would say the one exception to this is if the man or the couple is actually very wealthy and so having an extravagant wedding will not harm them financially. But pretending you are wealthy in order to please parents, family, or the community is a recipe for a short, miserable marriage. 

I agree with your other points, especially about how a toxic marriage is not 'part of life' and people should not accept to be in a toxic marriage. They should try to find the root of the 'toxicity' and attempt to reform themselves and sacrifice in order to solve it. If one or both partners and not willing to do that, then divorce should be an option at that point. 

 

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This topic is really important, for me I was mostly hearing stories about wives got kids then they want to get divorced because they have work and give the kids the husband , etc. and I know man had really difficult life marriage due to the wife did not care about him she was wasting his money ( buy something then throw it a way after a week ) but he was patient now after almost 15 years she is a little bit changed , they are saying that she loved someone else but she could not marry him due to family things, and the already got married. I know some women to who don not have good husband. at some point I hated marriage but the problem is not with marriage is with people especially young people , they don't know what marriage really is so they are not ready to get marry but still they marry. they need think about the other person not just about themselves, I mean men and women. and the other problem is hearing  these stories  we do not know if they really true or not , even if you heard it from person you trust because we do not know every single detail, it always will be form one point of you.  other problem happened in some societies, the guy family will choose the girl depends on her family then the girl family will ask about the guy family  if the families saw each other as good family the will let the guy and the girl marry because they think if the family is good then  the guy or the girl is good too, which is not 100 percent true because nowadays  people get affected in negative ways by many things like the internet, the media or even their friends without realizing. overall  everyone should know this life is not easy , it has a lot of tests we should pass. Be patient  and try to make the marriage better together or just by yourself, getting divorce should be the last last choice , and when you want to marry someone be wise do not let your emotions controls you.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

I hope ALLAH give the wisdom  you need for this life.

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