Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله

I hate men in my community

Rate this topic


Recommended Posts

  • Advanced Member
12 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

Direct descendants of the Holy Prophet (sawas)

For a male hes known as sayyed and girl is called 3elwiya (in other countries they name it differently)

mother and father are both sayyed then he becomes sadeh?. what does the 3 in 3elwiya stand for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Veteran Member
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Mahdavist said:

I have seen cases where people changed dramatically and where almost unrecognizable from their previous selves. 

Did they really change or did circumstances reveal their true weaknesses and flaws?

Perhaps it is our criteria for making judgments that needs to be worked on?

And maybe we have negative bias. I.e. we are focusing on the few that did disappoint instead of the many that don't change? I have rarely had to change my mind about a person that I regarded highly - except when I was much younger. I realized that we should not simply think well of a person that is religious, intelligent, knowledgeable, working in charity, active in the community etc. Humans have innate desires for God and thus even the corrupt would be religious. Others would do it for tribal reasons etc. 

A corrupt person is usually a mixture of good and bad, and not just a monolith of bad traits. So if we see a person doing charity work, it shouldn't make us think well of them if we see some troubling traits too. These are what people call red flags. Often such bad traits are the tip of the iceberg. What you see in open is worse in private (the opposite is also true for very good people that hide their deeds).

In my humble opinion the most important traits we could look for in determining character are: Akhlaq (this doesn't mean simply being a 'nice' or polite person - it is an assessment of the nature of the person), conscientiousness, wisdom, being apologetic and open to changing their mind on even their strongly held views. When judging religiousness we should focus on the spiritual elements more than the rituals. 

And Allah knows better.

Sorry for the careless wording in the post.

Edited by Muhammed Ali
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
2 hours ago, Muhammed Ali said:

Did they really change or did circumstances reveal their true weaknesses and flaws?

Good question brother, I guess we can't always tell but in some cases it really did seem like the person changed in the sense that some years into marriage they derived some new criteria as deal breakers which were never an issue for them previously. 

I agree with your point about akhlaaq, without doubt it is essential and one could argue more fundamental than other religious criteria that people sometimes focus on. 

As you say, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) knows best. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/17/2021 at 11:19 AM, 3wliya_maryam said:

Salam,

I am very angry, and annoyed and all the negative emotions you could think of. I don't want pity, i just want to get my point across to all the men out there who think they're all up there in society. Like I could write a 10 page article and it still won't be enough.
It absolutely disgusts me. Almost every day in the community I am surrounded in, I have to hear stories of crappy husbands and divorce. Who treat their wives like maidens, marry other women without their knowledge, refuse to help them and their children, talking to other women online, shaming and belittling their wives, controlling and being impulsive, restricting them and i can just go on and on. And before I get told , 'oh you're generalising, there's bad wives too that result in divorce.' I don't disagree with that, but the REALITY is that majority of men are douchebags and most importantly, MAJORITY of Saadeh, who think they own the entire community. Who think they deserve all the respect and entitlement compared to everyone else. Their ego flies through the roof and it is one of those main reasons why most families I hear avoid getting married to Saadeh because that is literally how they represent themselves. I don't understand why they're still respected other than the fact that they're direct descendants of Rasullulah(sawas). The fact that they even call themselves "Sayyed so and so", is enough to prove their arrogance. Sure a person, should feel pleased to be related to the Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام), but that does not make them any different to other Shia Muslims. 
It makes me to sick to the stomach. Being raised in a conservative environment, surrounded by conservative and egoistic men has given me a negative outlook on men in general and the idea of marriage. Many girls feel that way, and its also due to restrictions being placed upon them that they are prevented to marry outside their culture, or to be able to explore for themselves.  Their cultural beliefs and ignorance comes forth before deen.
And then when you give them this talk, they start being defensive cause their pride can't handle it. Like just shut up. 

Saadeh hahahaha what a lovely name. how do you know that those syeds who avoid marrying to other families have no reason except their family name. what is problem with their calling of syeds? everyone wants to be identified with their family names and when do all syeds believe that they are better than all other shias? i never have heard from them any such thing. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, slavelight said:

mother and father are both sayyed then he becomes sadeh?. what does the 3 in 3elwiya stand for.

Ain in Arabic is written as "3" by most users. You seem new to chat.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, slavelight said:

mother and father are both sayyed then he becomes sadeh?. what does the 3 in 3elwiya stand for.

I think maybe Sadeh is the term Arabs use to refer to Syeds. I've never heard or read it before though. Arabic has different dialects too so maybe Sadeh is from one particular dialect. 

I think the 3 refers to the pronunciation of the alphabet ع۔ in Arabic. Is it because the number 3 looks similar to ع?

In Urdu, the female of a Syed is simply Syeda. 

Edited by Maisam Haider
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
On 7/17/2021 at 2:19 AM, 3wliya_maryam said:

Salam,

I am very angry, and annoyed and all the negative emotions you could think of. I don't want pity, i just want to get my point across to all the men out there who think they're all up there in society. Like I could write a 10 page article and it still won't be enough.
It absolutely disgusts me. Almost every day in the community I am surrounded in, I have to hear stories of crappy husbands and divorce. Who treat their wives like maidens, marry other women without their knowledge, refuse to help them and their children, talking to other women online, shaming and belittling their wives, controlling and being impulsive, restricting them and i can just go on and on. And before I get told , 'oh you're generalising, there's bad wives too that result in divorce.' I don't disagree with that, but the REALITY is that majority of men are douchebags and most importantly, MAJORITY of Saadeh, who think they own the entire community. Who think they deserve all the respect and entitlement compared to everyone else. Their ego flies through the roof and it is one of those main reasons why most families I hear avoid getting married to Saadeh because that is literally how they represent themselves. I don't understand why they're still respected other than the fact that they're direct descendants of Rasullulah(sawas). The fact that they even call themselves "Sayyed so and so", is enough to prove their arrogance. Sure a person, should feel pleased to be related to the Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام), but that does not make them any different to other Shia Muslims. 
It makes me to sick to the stomach. Being raised in a conservative environment, surrounded by conservative and egoistic men has given me a negative outlook on men in general and the idea of marriage. Many girls feel that way, and its also due to restrictions being placed upon them that they are prevented to marry outside their culture, or to be able to explore for themselves.  Their cultural beliefs and ignorance comes forth before deen.
And then when you give them this talk, they start being defensive cause their pride can't handle it. Like just shut up. 

I do agree, There are a lot of toxic men. Sadly This is a massive issue within especially Islamic cultures, as a lot especially Muslim men are just extremely egotistic and controlling of women, and refuse to shift their clearly misogynistic views in the modern era. They definitely need to change their behavior towards women. However, There is another side of the dilemma here, is that a lot of people don't want to shift too heavily into liberalization or else Islam will just stop being Islam, as I'm referring to extreme feminism in the west that says that gender norms are bad, and that females should act like males, and male should act like females, as well as a bunch of crazy stuff like LGBT, etc. There are men that feel that if they try removing their extreme control of women, that they will drag into this sort of liberalization stuff. So now we are on two sides of the extreme, that if we try to liberalize, It might go too far. 

What Muslim's need is a sort of middle ground, the less of the two extremes. We need to teach men/boys that this sort of views are wrong. We should teach them to uphold male gender norms and such, however we should teach them that these sort of "women must be obedient slaves to men" toxicity is misogynistic and wrong. I teach my children to uphold gender norms, I even make jokes about women's rights just to taunt my daughter and wife, haha. But in seriousness, we are against this poor treatment of women.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
On 7/18/2021 at 10:48 PM, Guest Syed Ahmed Ali said:

Ain in Arabic is written as "3" by most users. You seem new to chat.

why not just write ain lol. I thought there was something wrong with their keyboard.

On 7/19/2021 at 12:35 AM, Maisam Haider said:

I think maybe Sadeh is the term Arabs use to refer to Syeds. I've never heard or read it before though. Arabic has different dialects too so maybe Sadeh is from one particular dialect. 

I think the 3 refers to the pronunciation of the alphabet ع۔ in Arabic. Is it because the number 3 looks similar to ع?

In Urdu, the female of a Syed is simply Syeda. 

is sadeh and sayed the same?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members
On 7/17/2021 at 11:19 AM, 3wliya_maryam said:

you clearly didn't read my thread properly. i never said all of them, i said MAJORITY of them are like that. You'll only find a few that will be humble and won't boast about their status. That's just the reality.

 

On 7/17/2021 at 2:19 AM, 3wliya_maryam said:

Salam,

I am very angry, and annoyed and all the negative emotions you could think of. I don't want pity, i just want to get my point across to all the men out there who think they're all up there in society. Like I could write a 10 page article and it still won't be enough.
It absolutely disgusts me. Almost every day in the community I am surrounded in, I have to hear stories of crappy husbands and divorce. Who treat their wives like maidens, marry other women without their knowledge, refuse to help them and their children, talking to other women online, shaming and belittling their wives, controlling and being impulsive, restricting them and i can just go on and on. And before I get told , 'oh you're generalising, there's bad wives too that result in divorce.' I don't disagree with that, but the REALITY is that majority of men are douchebags and most importantly, MAJORITY of Saadeh, who think they own the entire community. Who think they deserve all the respect and entitlement compared to everyone else. Their ego flies through the roof and it is one of those main reasons why most families I hear avoid getting married to Saadeh because that is literally how they represent themselves. I don't understand why they're still respected other than the fact that they're direct descendants of Rasullulah(sawas). The fact that they even call themselves "Sayyed so and so", is enough to prove their arrogance. Sure a person, should feel pleased to be related to the Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام), but that does not make them any different to other Shia Muslims. 
It makes me to sick to the stomach. Being raised in a conservative environment, surrounded by conservative and egoistic men has given me a negative outlook on men in general and the idea of marriage. Many girls feel that way, and its also due to restrictions being placed upon them that they are prevented to marry outside their culture, or to be able to explore for themselves.  Their cultural beliefs and ignorance comes forth before deen.
And then when you give them this talk, they start being defensive cause their pride can't handle it. Like just shut up. 

bahahahahaahahahah, This has to be bait. I thought I was on twitter or crystalcafe or something. lool I'll reply anyways. I don't know where you live (west, east?) but I've never in my life seen anyone like that living in Canada. Only seen kids doing dumb stuff in highschool, but even they do it in private least they feel ashamed. But nothing like what you described lol. It's probably just the specific people around you then. Just focus on you're faith, studies, fitness, hobbies, and work to become a better person and surround yourself with better people. If this is common around you at least you know what to look for when searching for spouse/friends/peers, and determine the person's character from your own experiences, or be able to tell if they are a hypocrite.

Do you really see people doing this in public? Like they don't even try to hide it? And for other's, is this behaviour common in your communities aswell?

Also you should probably stay off twitter, /pol/, crystalcafe, lolcow, femaledatingstrategy or one of the many other echo-chambers on the internet, that stuff will rot your brain and you'll undoubtedly become as bad or worse than the people you hate.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members
On 7/17/2021 at 11:44 PM, 3wliya_maryam said:

Many ‘pious God fearing men’ appear that way until they show their true colours after marriage.

 

On 7/17/2021 at 11:45 PM, starlight said:

So what's the accurate one?

 

On 7/17/2021 at 11:52 PM, Uni Student said:

 

 

How does one catch these things before marriage, how do you know you aren't being played by the other person

Goes for men as well, I'm terrified of marrying a woman, and finding out later she was deceitful on who she really is, and discover troubling past behaviour/habits etc. It's scary for everyone, because of the technology, anyone can instantly be the most depraved version of themselves online, and switch off as soon as they are in public. Some things you can look for however are their relationships with their family(parents), what their friends and family say about them, their friends, their social media presence, hobbies, personality, how they speak, how they act, their thoughts on certain issues. All these things can say alot about someone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members
3 hours ago, Momoshiki Ōtsutsuki said:

I do agree, There are a lot of toxic men. Sadly This is a massive issue within especially Islamic cultures, as a lot especially Muslim men are just extremely egotistic and controlling of women, and refuse to shift their clearly misogynistic views in the modern era.

Explain. Can you give some examples on this?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
2 hours ago, Anonymous_male said:

Goes for men as well, I'm terrified of marrying a woman, and finding out later she was deceitful on who she really is, and discover troubling past behaviour/habits etc.

Agreed these people above are scaring me to death hahaha :grin:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
3 hours ago, Anonymous_male said:

This has to be bait.

Sadly it’s not.

3 hours ago, Anonymous_male said:

Do you really see people doing this in public? Like they don't even try to hide it? And for other's, is this behaviour common in your communities aswell?

 

Yes. Very much so , even in my own home.

it’s common almost everywhere so I guess the community u live either there’s no mysogyny whatsoever or maybe you fail to see it cause you’re a male yourself. Often men aren’t able to understand what women go through and have this idea that they tend to exaggerate

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

As a male I can confirm that what @3wliya_maryam has described is unfortunately a real issue and not something imaginary or exaggerated. 

It is part of a bigger issue which is that muslimeen in general have collectively abandoned islamic morals and principles. This doesn't mean each and every muslim has done so, but as a community there are not many societies in the world where we are recognized and reputed for islamic akhlaq.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, slavelight said:

why not just write ain lol. I thought there was something wrong with their keyboard.

Haha!

I think this "3" in place of ع comes from the period where Arabic keyboard option was not available. But I do wonder who came up with this idea of substituting 3 for ain. It has just persisted for decades now. Arabs here would be able to let us know more. 

Edited by Maisam Haider
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
6 hours ago, Anonymous_male said:

Explain. Can you give some examples on this?

I'm honestly shocked as to how clueless some of you people are on this matter. Mate on what part of planet earth are you living in

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
7 hours ago, Anonymous_male said:

Explain. Can you give some examples on this?

-Physical and verbal abuse

-Forcing women to cut off ties with their family (qat ar rahm is actually a greater sin)

-Humiliating women in front of children and outsiders (humiliation is wrong anyway, but worse when done in front of others. Islam teaches us to hide the shortcomings of the people rather than to expose them)

-Treating women like servants (inconsistent with the domestic lives of the ambiya and aimmah, peace and blessings upon all of them)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
24 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

-Physical and verbal abuse

-Forcing women to cut off ties with their family (qat ar rahm is actually a greater sin)

-Humiliating women in front of children and outsiders (humiliation is wrong anyway, but worse when done in front of others. Islam teaches us to hide the shortcomings of the people rather than to expose them)

-Treating women like servants (inconsistent with the domestic lives of the ambiya and aimmah, peace and blessings upon all of them)

- egotistical / arrogance/ narcissism/ misogyny / patriarchy 

- culture over deen

- marrying women without their knowledge a.k.a ‘halal cheating’

- not letting them work 

- he can force the woman not to leave the house if she wanted whether she likes it or not

-she gotta obey the man of the house whether she likes it or not 

- she can’t do anything without his permission

- he’s allowed to invade in her privacy but she can’t invade in his

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Veteran Member
On 7/18/2021 at 11:35 PM, Maisam Haider said:

I think maybe Sadeh is the term Arabs use to refer to Syeds. I've never heard or read it before though. Arabic has different dialects too so maybe Sadeh is from one particular dialect. 

I think the 3 refers to the pronunciation of the alphabet ع۔ in Arabic. Is it because the number 3 looks similar to ع?

In Urdu, the female of a Syed is simply Syeda. 

سادة is the plural of سيد pronouncing it saada or saade or even saadat is down to what region the person comes from.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Veteran Member
On 7/18/2021 at 11:35 PM, Maisam Haider said:

I think maybe Sadeh is the term Arabs use to refer to Syeds. I've never heard or read it before though. Arabic has different dialects too so maybe Sadeh is from one particular dialect. 

I think the 3 refers to the pronunciation of the alphabet ع۔ in Arabic. Is it because the number 3 looks similar to ع?

In Urdu, the female of a Syed is simply Syeda. 

سادة is the plural of سيد pronouncing it saada or saade or even saadat is down to what region the person comes from.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/18/2021 at 4:23 AM, Abu Hadi said:

e based on kindness, deference, and mutual respect, then this is a huge positive sign that the marriage will be this way. If the man, or the women is unkind or disrespectful to their parents or siblings with the excuse that 'Oh, they did this and this or they are not good people, etc, etc'

I agree with you, but it's also not as black and white. I had a lot of trauma because of my family. I won't go into details, but I was full of rage and depression for a while. It wasn't until mental health professionals that I was seeing, pulled them aside and told them sternly, multiple times, that they needed to stop the stubbornness (paraphrasing) and give me the emotional support I needed, because even then they weren't getting it/were pretty tone deaf. They finally started coming around, stopped verbally abusing me, stopped trying to mold me into their own idea of a perfect child, and now we have a much healthier relationship. I also met my husband around that time, and he saw that things were hard for me. He never judged me for it or accused me of being a bad person just because I had a tough time getting along with them. He helped me heal instead of saying that he needed to leave. Similarly, my husband is respectful to his family, but unfortunately, he was bullied and ganged up on by them a lot, so a family getting along or not getting along isn't really an indicator of anything. People have different temperaments from their family members. Also, there are plenty of men who treat their parents with respect, and not their wives.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

- he can force the woman not to leave the house if she wanted whether she likes it or not

-she gotta obey the man of the house whether she likes it or not 

- she can’t do anything without his permission

Don't feel bad. But Islamically speaking, he has the right to do so.  Though, men about whom you are talking, abuse these rights and therefore, it is again not a right thing. 

And I interupted because there are women in my relatives who do things without permission or knowledge of there husbands. They go out without permission of there husbands. And literally they have caused a lot of problems. For example,few of them take huge money from other people for there works and are not able to pay back. As a result, the man has to face humiliation in front of others and it becomes extremely difficult to handle such scenarios.

 

These are the reasons, why I hold a balanced view about all this. 

Edited by Zainuu
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
59 minutes ago, Zainuu said:

Don't feel bad. But Islamically speaking, he has the right to do so.  Though, men about whom you are talking, abuse these rights and therefore, it is again not a right thing. 

True, the problem in this instance is the misuse/abuse of the right that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has given us. Same thing with parents and their children. Obedience to parents is obligatory but some parents misuse this right. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
1 hour ago, Zainuu said:

These are the reasons, why I hold a balanced view about all this. 

Fair enough, but most of the good men I’ve seen have established common ground with their respective spouses so there is no need for the enforcement of the aforementioned rights within the marriage. That is to say, if a man and his wife are on the same page, and there is trust, these rights are seldom enforced. 
Plus if you actually look into said rights they’re a lot more nuanced than you think.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
40 minutes ago, User 313 said:

Fair enough, but most of the good men I’ve seen have established common ground with their respective spouses so there is no need for the enforcement of the aforementioned rights within the marriage. That is to say, if a man and his wife are on the same page, and there is trust, these rights are seldom enforced. 
Plus if you actually look into said rights they’re a lot more nuanced than you think.

"Most of the good men". The Problem is, there is a LOT that abuse their power over women, which is an issue that needs to be tackled. So I do think we should help enforce the rights within marriages.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
44 minutes ago, User 313 said:

That is to say, if a man and his wife are on the same page, and there is trust, these rights are seldom enforced

I call it mutual understanding. It is not a teacher-student relation. Like 'May I go to washroom sir.' lolz.

What I mean by exercising of rights and obedience is that the consent should be there, whether spoken or unspoken.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
40 minutes ago, User 313 said:

most of the good men I’ve seen have established common ground with their respective spouses so there is no need for the enforcement of the aforementioned rights

Yes. But there are also many good men who are married to bad wives who do not fulfill their basic marital responsibilities. These good husbands remain patient, tolerate the bad behavior of their wives, remain chaste and suppress their sexual desires indefinitely when their wives deny them their sexual rights and also continue to financially provide nafaqah to them even though they are not obligated to, if the wives deny their rights....

There are many men in our societies who fit this description and the reward for their patience in front of their bad wives is with Allah. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
2 minutes ago, Maisam Haider said:

But there are also many good men who are married to bad wives who do not fulfill their basic marital responsibilities

Agreed 100%! Which is why I said if they’re both on the same page you won’t see these rights being arbitrarily enforced. I just don’t think the application of these prerogatives is a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. It really depends on the circumstances. More often than not you will find that abusive men and women are the ones who are unreasonably rigid when it comes to having their rights recognised. 

Also, while the aforementioned rights are technically ‘Islamic’, there’s so much more to them than meets the eye. For example, we have come to understand that under no circumstances should a woman leave the house if her husband forbids her from doing so. However, if you follow Ayatollah Sistani you would find that under ruling 2430 she is in fact allowed to leave the house even if it’s against her husband’s wishes, provided that staying causes hardship (haraj) on her, among other exceptions. 
 

Ruling 2430. It is unlawful for a woman in a permanent marriage to leave the house without the permission of her husband even if this does not infringe on his rights, except in the following cases: [i] a necessity requires her to; [ii] staying in the house causes her hardship (ḥaraj); [iii] the house is not appropriate for her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, Mahdavist said:

As a male I can confirm that what @3wliya_maryam has described is unfortunately a real issue and not something imaginary or exaggerated. 

It is part of a bigger issue which is that muslimeen in general have collectively abandoned islamic morals and principles. This doesn't mean each and every muslim has done so, but as a community there are not many societies in the world where we are recognized and reputed for islamic akhlaq.

 

I personally have witnessed such people and I also have witnessed their change from such characters to repetance and sincere God worshipper. To change them, they need a wake up call by sincerely practical believer (who they personally know) who can effect their heart, to become humble from proudness and to see their own problems and the values of Islam, the moral teaching, justice, love and sincerity of worship.

Most of these kind of men lacks these sincere believers who could touch their heart and guide them.

Edited by Abu Nur
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
3 hours ago, Abu Nur said:

Most of these kind of men lacks these sincere believers who could touch their heart and guide them.

Maybe, brother, but I think sometimes it's something more deep rooted that comes from insecurity and some kind of inferiority complex.

It's almost like they need to demonstrate their 'toughness' by taking it out on their wife and children through aggression and abuse. 

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) guide such ignorant and insecure people. A true man would never behave in such a manner. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
1 hour ago, Mahdavist said:

It's almost like they need to demonstrate their 'toughness' by taking it out on their wife and children through aggression and abuse. 

Agreed, not to mention that the vast majority of these abusive spouses are narcissists who thrive on control. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
Posted (edited)
On 7/19/2021 at 10:53 PM, Uni Student said:

Agreed these people above are scaring me to death hahaha :grin:

This is a common reason that stops men from getting married but it shouldn't. Islam is against being paranoid for no reason. 

I have never heard of a case where a lady who comes from a good, truthful family, shows no signs of deceit in her own behavior before marriage, then suddenly years later you start finding out all these horrible things she did in the past. That is an extremely unlikely scenario, so uncommon it's not even worth thinking about. Its like, well there is a possibility that you could walk outside and get hit by a falling meteor. If you don't go outside because you're afraid of this extremely unlikely thing, then that's being irrational.

What is common, and what you should watch out for is marrying a women who is apparently beautiful (because that's what men fall for, most of the time) but you see signals and things that are 'not quite right' about what she says or what she does. I will use the British word here because it's appropriate. She acts 'dodgy'. You tell yourself, 'Oh, it's probably nothing, she's probably just....'. Then you fail to ask around about her, fail to make the necessary inquires that you're supposed to make, fail to do the 'due diligence' when examining her character. If you act that way, then yes, there is a good possibility that you will find out things after marriage that will destroy the marriage relationship. 

I think one of the big things nowadays is social media. Alot of girls, even muslims women, are having intimate relationships, sometimes these don't involve physical intimacy, sometimes they do short of intercourse, with lots of different guys. This would be easy to find out from their social media. When they meet a guy that they are interested in and who they think there is a strong possibility they are going to marry, then they do the 'social media cull' where they delete or block anyone they might be involved in 'dodgy' relationships with (guys) so that when their prospective husband asks to see their social media, all they see is their messages to their mom and dad, siblings, and some religious posts they might have linked to. Sometimes they have a separate account for the 'dodgy' stuff that they don't share with their prospective spouse, and this is even worse than the first one. That is not a true representation of who they are, which is why the guy asked in the first place, because he wanted to see this true representation, not a fake one. 

So if I met a lady for marriage, and I found out she did a social media cull right before the wedding or after we seriously started talking about marriage, I would take this as a huge red flag. BTW, the opposite is true of men also. If a women was going to marry a man and he did this right before the wedding, it would also be a huge red flag. She / He is trying to hide who they actually are from their perspective spouse, which is dishonest. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
48 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

I have never heard of a case where a lady who comes from a good, truthful family, shows no signs of deceit in her own behavior before marriage, then suddenly years later you start finding out all these horrible things she did in the past.

YES YES YES! I can’t stress this enough! Most of the time you will ALWAYS know what you’re getting yourself into before getting married to someone. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will show you their true colours or at least give you a taste of their character prior to marriage, but the choice is yours at the end of the day. Granted, some people still choose to get married even after picking up on red flags for several reasons, including pressure from family, the assumption that their good manners and patience will ‘fix’ the person in question or irrational thinking and infatuation.

Bless you for your insight brother @Abu Hadi!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member
1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

I have never heard of a case where a lady who comes from a good, truthful family, shows no signs of deceit in her own behavior before marriage, then suddenly years later you start finding out all these horrible things she did in the past. That is an extremely unlikely scenario, so uncommon it's not even worth thinking about. Its like, well there is a possibility that you could walk outside and get hit by a falling meteor. If you don't go outside because you're afraid of this extremely unlikely thing, then that's being irrational.

I agree that both sides need to be honest about eachother's past because that's one of the main ways of building trust. But what you also need to understand is that in ignorant communities where there are some girls who feel pressured and refuse to talk about their past in fear of rejection. You find that most men want a 'clean' and 'chaste' women who has never had sex or dated anyone. Yet the dude isn't even perfect himself and slept with multiple women, and rejects the idea that its okay to marry a woman who did that once in the past. Its the prejudiced society for me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...