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In the Name of God بسم الله

abusive household

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hb12hb

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Salaams sister,

Which country do you live in ? There are help lines that can try and help you get out of the situation you are in as it quite a difficult one.  This is also possibly more then you are equipped to handle at this age. 

Based on what you are saying though, you and your sister need to get out of this toxic environment as soon as possible. Your dad should be in jail and your mom has let you guys down big time.

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I advise you to play it smart. I have scholars I could ask, like Sheikh Assim al-Hakeem, Abu Usamah, etc. who would give you perfect advice. If you would like, I could give you their contact. Please response soon, dear brethren in Islam. I would love to give a fatwa or religious ruling, but my knowledge is not sufficient enough even remotely so. 

Please get back to me as soon as possible, young one. May the Merciful shower you with His Mercy, may the Forgiving forgive your parents, may the Protector protect you with great protection - ameen thumma ameen. I will be eagerly awaiting your response. 
 

السلام عليكم ورحمة وبركاته، يا روح قوية. 

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1 hour ago, KulluNafsin said:

Salaams sister,

Which country do you live in ? There are help lines that can try and help you get out of the situation you are in as it quite a difficult one.  This is also possibly more then you are equipped to handle at this age. 

Based on what you are saying though, you and your sister need to get out of this toxic environment as soon as possible. Your dad should be in jail and your mom has let you guys down big time.

Wasalam. I live in Norway and thank you so much for your advice! May Allah bless you.

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1 hour ago, KulluNafsin said:

Salaams sister,

Which country do you live in ? There are help lines that can try and help you get out of the situation you are in as it quite a difficult one.  This is also possibly more then you are equipped to handle at this age. 

Based on what you are saying though, you and your sister need to get out of this toxic environment as soon as possible. Your dad should be in jail and your mom has let you guys down big time.

Wasalam. I live in Norway where a lot of help lines are available and thank you so much for your advice. May Allah bless you

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18 minutes ago, starlight said:

Are you sure this is by Imam Ali(عليه السلام)?

From the book Fatima is Fatima by Dr. Ali Shariati:

"Ali said two parties are required in order to bring about oppression. One is the oppressor and the other is the one who accepts the oppression"

Need to check the base source though. 

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3 hours ago, Zainuu said:

Salaam sister, 

Situation is critical. 

I am not trying to offend you but Imam Ali (عليه السلام) said, "Their are two parties to oppression. One is the oppressor and the other is the one who accepts oppression."

Your mother is accepting oppression here and contributing to the cause.

Please make her understand that she is wrong. Firstly,

1. where is the family of your mother? She should, along with you, go their for sometime.

But if their are no good people then,

2. You need to make her understand to leave that person. So, I learned that you live in Norway. Contact Shia scholars over their and make them meet your mother. It seems your mother is a bit traditionalist religious woman. She would respect an Alim definitely. If this works, which I believe it can, then convince her for divorcing this man. If she is ready to do so then the scholar on behalf of this man can file an irrevocable divorce. (follow the norms as per the scholar in whose taqleed you are). You can also make this happen on call. 

May Allah bless you and protect you sister. Seek refuge of Allah as Allah is the protector and guardian of all.

Edit: If this doesn't work then leave. As brother @KulluNafsin said, their are helpline numbers. Contact them and save yourself.

 

I believe this hadith is talking about people who have a choice as to whether accept it or not. This is more talking to adults who have resources and the ability to move to a different city / state / country to escape the oppression. If they have these means, which Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) gave them, but they choose to stay in the oppressive situation, then they are blameworthy. Children, and especially young children who have no means to support themselves are not counted as 'having a choice'. I don't believe this hadith applies to them. 

As for the mother, it may partially or fully apply to her if she has the means to leave the situation but chooses to stay. You can't really say unless you know her situation. If she has the means to leave the abusive situation, she definitely should do that and take her children with her. Men who act this way to not deserve to have a family. Period. There is never any excuse to do this (physically beat and abuse your family members) nor is there any authentic hadith that support this action. If a man cannot tolerate being with his wife, he always has the option to divorce her, but he never has the option to beat her. Even with his children, he can make his opinions know to them about what he thinks regarding their actions, verbally, he has the freedom to do this. He can also refuse to support them in non essential things (other that the support he is obliged to give them food, clothing, shelter) if he does not accept their actions. He can also bring in other family members or trusted members of the community to talk to them. He has all these options, but beating / physically abusing them is not an option, even for his children. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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2 hours ago, Zainuu said:

Salaam sister, 

Situation is critical. 

I am not trying to offend you but Imam Ali (عليه السلام) said, "Their are two parties to oppression. One is the oppressor and the other is the one who accepts oppression."

Your mother is accepting oppression here and contributing to the cause.

Please make her understand that she is wrong. Firstly,

1. where is the family of your mother? She should, along with you, go their for sometime.

But if their are no good people then,

2. You need to make her understand to leave that person. So, I learned that you live in Norway. Contact Shia scholars over their and make them meet your mother. It seems your mother is a bit traditionalist religious woman. She would respect an Alim definitely. If this works, which I believe it can, then convince her for divorcing this man. If she is ready to do so then the scholar on behalf of this man can file an irrevocable divorce. (follow the norms as per the scholar in whose taqleed you are). You can also make this happen on call. 

May Allah bless you and protect you sister. Seek refuge of Allah as Allah is the protector and guardian of all.

Edit: If this doesn't work then leave. As brother @KulluNafsin said, their are helpline numbers. Contact them and save yourself.

 

Salaam. We are of afghan-pakistani culture and my mother does not have any family in Norway. My father does, but they are no good people. They know about my fathers behaviour, but still stay quiet and behave simillarly to their wives. My mother is traditionalist and religious, but she does not want any help nor to divorce my father. My father is not that religious, but still wants us to wear our scarfs and pray, even though he himself does not. I am sure that my mother will not obey a scholar. 

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5 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

If she has the means to leave the abusive situation, she definitely should do that and take her children with her. Men who act this way to not deserve to have a family. Period. 

Salaam,

I believe she has a way, seeing the story. Because both of the sisters have tried their best. Called the police and made such attempts. But she stood between her father and the police. She is enduring too much but still if anything goes against that brutal man, she protects him and in fact threatens her kids for suicide. 

That's wrong, right?? 

These two have a future. I am sorry if my post did hurt but what else can be concluded. 

7 minutes ago, hb12hb said:

We are of afghan-pakistani culture and my mother does not have any family in Norway. My father does, but they are no good people. They know about my fathers behaviour, but still stay quiet and behave simillarly to their wives. My mother is traditionalist and religious, but she does not want any help nor to divorce my father. My father is not that religious, but still wants us to wear our scarfs and pray, even though he himself does not. I am sure that my mother will not obey a scholar. 

Salaam sister,

If this is the case then I can only say that I will remember you in prayers. Because the other option I stated is presented by brothers too. You should go with that. 

May Allah have mercy on you and protect you. 

I know it is really disgusting as such domestic violence is all over prevalent even in my region. But act with patience and Allah will surely help you.

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2 minutes ago, Zainuu said:

Salaam,

I believe she has a way, seeing the story. Because both of the sisters have tried their best. Called the police and made such attempts. But she stood between her father and the police. She is enduring too much but still if anything goes against that brutal man, she protects him and in fact threatens her kids for suicide. 

That's wrong, right?? 

 

If that is the situation, then it is definitely wrong and the hadith definitely applies to her. The children are a different story. If the children have a way out, even without the mother helping them, they should take it. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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On 12/17/2020 at 12:09 AM, Zainuu said:

She is enduring too much but still if anything goes against that brutal man, she protects him and in fact threatens her kids for suicide. 

I’m not sure it’s about protecting the husband (after all, he is almost killing her), we shouldn’t jump to call her an oppressor. I think it may have more to do with preserving the family.

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4 hours ago, 313_Waiter said:

we shouldn’t jump to call her an oppressor. I think it may have more to do with preserving the family.

I didn't call her an oppressor. Don't take me wrong. But she is not doing any good by staying silent and stopping her kids. 

I understand that this is the case with many traditionalist women. They are indoctrinated with a mentality that bad, worse or worst but a husband is a husband and women should stay obedient towards him. Even if he oppresses her, she thinks it's better to stay quiet. But that is not right at all. 

Her kids are suffering. She should leave and work for her two gems.

It might be the case (though I am just guessing) that she has two daughters and no son. Traditionalists see a daughter as a burden and a liability. So, that man is oppressive because he is angry that he has daughters which he thinks are a burden on him. And the lady (because of being a part of such a society) thinks that her daughters will leave her one day and she will have to stay alone then, if she leaves. In such a situation, woman sees no calm and no door of relief for herself. This hurts me. 

 

I would just say to everyone (including myself) to pray for her and these two sisters. I have forwarded this request to some good people I know.

 

May Allah help them.

Edited by Zainuu
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10 minutes ago, 313_Waiter said:

request all brothers and sisters on this forum to make a special Dua (in namaz e shab or generally) for our sister

Salaam brother,

Can we do some of these amal on behalf of this sister??

From the day I read this, I am literally torn. I would have done more than a Dua if it was possible for me.

I just want to conform if sheikh allows these amal to be done for this sister, on behalf of her or any other amal that we can do for her and her sister's and her mother's wellbeing.

May Allah help this sister

May Allah bless you all.

May Allah lengthen the life of Sheikh who suggested this.

Thankyou brother. May Allah reward you for making this effort.

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3 hours ago, Zainuu said:

Salaam brother,

Can we do some of these amal on behalf of this sister??

From the day I read this, I am literally torn. I would have done more than a Dua if it was possible for me.

I just want to conform if sheikh allows these amal to be done for this sister, on behalf of her or any other amal that we can do for her and her sister's and her mother's wellbeing.

May Allah help this sister

May Allah bless you all.

May Allah lengthen the life of Sheikh who suggested this.

Thankyou brother. May Allah reward you for making this effort.

Walaikum Salaam wrb,

I am not sure brother, inshaAllah I will let you know.

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On 12/20/2020 at 11:44 PM, Zainuu said:

Salaam brother,

Can we do some of these amal on behalf of this sister??

From the day I read this, I am literally torn. I would have done more than a Dua if it was possible for me.

I just want to conform if sheikh allows these amal to be done for this sister, on behalf of her or any other amal that we can do for her and her sister's and her mother's wellbeing.

May Allah help this sister

May Allah bless you all.

May Allah lengthen the life of Sheikh who suggested this.

Thankyou brother. May Allah reward you for making this effort.

Salaam brother,

This was the response from the Sheikh:

Quote

You may do the a’mal for the sister, and it would be effective, though if she would do them it would be more effective 

 

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On 12/16/2020 at 10:46 PM, Zainuu said:

From the book Fatima is Fatima by Dr. Ali Shariati:

"Ali said two parties are required in order to bring about oppression. One is the oppressor and the other is the one who accepts the oppression"

Need to check the base source though. 

Isn’t the Quran the proof for this Hadith , with that verse that says if u can’t practise ur religion in peace and safety that you should migrate away from danger 

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Posted (edited)

[Mod Note: user222 is the OP. I have unregistered her hb12hb account since members are only allowed to have access to one account.]

despite all this my mother still wont leave him. whenever he’s mad she just stands infront of him so he wont hit me and ik she loves both me and my sibling aloot, but i just cant take his abuse anymore. when he gets mad i try to leave the house, but my mother closes the doors and windows so no one can hear him screaming or possibly beating us. she tells me that she will leave him if he hits me but ive tried to talk her into leaving him but she just wont. she is stuck in the mindset that we are dependent on him and how we wont have anything ( money, house etc) if she leaves him. when my sister lived w us, my mother would say how she prays us three would get hit by and buss and just die. she has the mindset that its better if we all suffer togheter and just die. she once asked my sister to go get the quran after my dad had beat them and  started praying for us all to die. when we were younger and my dad would throw/ send me and my sister to our grandmothers house while beating my mother, and we obviously couldnt do much to stop him and when we would return my mother would ask us how we could leave her.

after my dads arrest, she would threaten to kill herself or say how she would die if we left. after my sister ran away to tell the truth, i was stuck back home bc i was a minor and couldnt come w her, my mother would tell me that she wpuld die if i ever did something similar to my sister, and how it is haram that my sister ran away to tell the truth and save us, than it is for my father to beat us. i believe that a part of the reason why she wont leave him is her mother back home. she is old and constantly gets sick over small matters and has a similar once a victim, forever a victim mindset as my mother. however i just cant justify how my mother cares more about what ppl would say or staying loyal to my dad, rather than the safety of her children. and i honestly cant justify how her mother would get sick and possibly a heart attack by the fact that she survived abuse, but stay happy despite her only daughter living in a house where she and her granddaughters are unsafe. 

i am so tired of living in this house and honestly dont know what to do. i am still currently living w my parents, but secretly holding contact with my sister. i decided to stay here until im 18 which is about a year and 4 months till since i rlly dont want to stay at a foster home. recently while my while my dad was at work, he called me, which he usually never does unless he is mad and i didnt pick up and was so scared that i left and just went outside before my mother returned from work bc i know she wouldnt let me leave if he was mad and she would just wait and see what happens. while i was outside my mother called me and i wouldnt answer. and when i finally answered, she was crying and telling me to come back home and i found out that he just called me and wasnt mad. so i went back and she just told me that i was being immature and overdramatic. but i am honestly so tired of living in fear for when he will kill me over something . i want to leave and possibly stay at a womens shelter once i turn 18, but its just so long till and there is a chance my mother will commit suicide or my father will kill her and himself if i leave home at 18. i know my mother will never ever leave him, let alone report him to the police, but i just cannot stand the injustice he has done us, especially my sister and   mother even though she doesnt want him to go to jail. i will start to recite ziarat ashura since that is what my sister did during the time and then she left home. but i unfortunately dont know how to completely do namaz so ill do as much as i can. please make prayers for my safety and for me to leave this house, since it unfortunately is my only way out of this abuse.

Edited by Hameedeh
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  • Hameedeh changed the title to abusive household
  • 2 weeks later...
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On 6/12/2021 at 1:41 PM, user222 said:

[Mod Note: user222 is the OP. I have unregistered her hb12hb account since members are only allowed to have access to one account.]

despite all this my mother still wont leave him. whenever he’s mad she just stands infront of him so he wont hit me and ik she loves both me and my sibling aloot, but i just cant take his abuse anymore. when he gets mad i try to leave the house, but my mother closes the doors and windows so no one can hear him screaming or possibly beating us. she tells me that she will leave him if he hits me but ive tried to talk her into leaving him but she just wont. she is stuck in the mindset that we are dependent on him and how we wont have anything ( money, house etc) if she leaves him. when my sister lived w us, my mother would say how she prays us three would get hit by and buss and just die. she has the mindset that its better if we all suffer togheter and just die. she once asked my sister to go get the quran after my dad had beat them and  started praying for us all to die. when we were younger and my dad would throw/ send me and my sister to our grandmothers house while beating my mother, and we obviously couldnt do much to stop him and when we would return my mother would ask us how we could leave her.

after my dads arrest, she would threaten to kill herself or say how she would die if we left. after my sister ran away to tell the truth, i was stuck back home bc i was a minor and couldnt come w her, my mother would tell me that she wpuld die if i ever did something similar to my sister, and how it is haram that my sister ran away to tell the truth and save us, than it is for my father to beat us. i believe that a part of the reason why she wont leave him is her mother back home. she is old and constantly gets sick over small matters and has a similar once a victim, forever a victim mindset as my mother. however i just cant justify how my mother cares more about what ppl would say or staying loyal to my dad, rather than the safety of her children. and i honestly cant justify how her mother would get sick and possibly a heart attack by the fact that she survived abuse, but stay happy despite her only daughter living in a house where she and her granddaughters are unsafe. 

i am so tired of living in this house and honestly dont know what to do. i am still currently living w my parents, but secretly holding contact with my sister. i decided to stay here until im 18 which is about a year and 4 months till since i rlly dont want to stay at a foster home. recently while my while my dad was at work, he called me, which he usually never does unless he is mad and i didnt pick up and was so scared that i left and just went outside before my mother returned from work bc i know she wouldnt let me leave if he was mad and she would just wait and see what happens. while i was outside my mother called me and i wouldnt answer. and when i finally answered, she was crying and telling me to come back home and i found out that he just called me and wasnt mad. so i went back and she just told me that i was being immature and overdramatic. but i am honestly so tired of living in fear for when he will kill me over something . i want to leave and possibly stay at a womens shelter once i turn 18, but its just so long till and there is a chance my mother will commit suicide or my father will kill her and himself if i leave home at 18. i know my mother will never ever leave him, let alone report him to the police, but i just cannot stand the injustice he has done us, especially my sister and   mother even though she doesnt want him to go to jail. i will start to recite ziarat ashura since that is what my sister did during the time and then she left home. but i unfortunately dont know how to completely do namaz so ill do as much as i can. please make prayers for my safety and for me to leave this house, since it unfortunately is my only way out of this abuse.

You need to convince your mother to divorce this man. This is not only completely unacceptable in Islam, This is completely unacceptable as a human being. I'd suggest getting some local scholars or imams to help convince her to divorce. Otherwise, yeah I'd say it's the right action to leave this household.

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I cannot even begin to comprehend how a so-called "man" can beat his wife and children and be able to physically stand to look at himself in the mirror. It is unacceptable to for a man to lay his hands on his wife in anger and it doesn't surprise me that this is the behavior of a man who has abandoned the prayer.

Your mother needs to understand that her "honor" is going to be more damaged by staying with him than getting to a place where she and her daughters are safe. I will say prayers for you and her, and will pray that your father comes to his senses and realizes that what he's doing is reprehensible and a great sin, since it sounds like he was blessed with much that he does not appreciate at all.

My advice to you is to get out the minute you turn 18 or if he begins beating you, to get out IMMEDIATELY. Foster Care is preferable to potentially being killed, and every time a man lays his hands on a woman in anger, there is potential for it to turn deadly due to the differences in men's muscle and bone structure compared to that of a woman.

I wish I could offer you some sort of encouragement or do something to actually help you. I wish I had millions of dollars to wire you money to get to somewhere safe and peaceful, the way the home should be.

 

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