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In the Name of God بسم الله

Should mom work outside home?

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I'm thinking about applying for some civil engineering jobs. 

Pros:

- The work I do would be appreciated.

- I'd get to spend time around adults.

- They're paying pretty well these days.

Cons:

- I'd still have to do all the mom stuff and house management stuff when I get home after work.

- I'd have to wear shoes to work every day, and probably drive there. 

Help me decide? Give me more pros and cons, or support or refute the ones I have. Thanks. 

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Posted (edited)
20 minutes ago, Uni Student said:

All? Why not half

My adult son volunteered to take over much of this, but I'm skeptical. He's a very good cook, and when he cleans he does a thorough job, but his favorite hobby is sleeping 18 hours a day. I am not sure he would be reliable to care for the young kids. 

My husband's idea of a clean house and a good meal is to turn off the lights so you can't see the mess, and order takeout, and his idea of "watching kids" is playing with his computer in the same room as they do whatever they want  :fever:

Edited by notme
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More cons: I'm a tree hugger. That's why I studied civil engineering. I thought I'd be working to find the balance between human needs and ecological sustainability. When I worked in land development before, I got pigeonholed into designing stinking upper middle class golf course subdivisions that are disgusting to me. (Golf is such a waste of space!)I also was required to design a site that involved cutting down a 400 year old forest to save the client, a millionaire land developer, about $3000. I'm very likely to be asked to do things that I find morally objectionable. 

Pros: there is a small chance that I actually could use my work to do good. If nothing else, I could donate my salary to worthwhile causes. 

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Another pro: if anything happened to my husband we would, presumably, not be destitute. 

Another con: I'd get a lot less time with my kids. 

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2 hours ago, notme said:

I'm thinking about applying for some civil engineering jobs. 

Pros:

- The work I do would be appreciated.

- I'd get to spend time around adults.

- They're paying pretty well these days.

Cons:

- I'd still have to do all the mom stuff and house management stuff when I get home after work.

- I'd have to wear shoes to work every day, and probably drive there. 

Help me decide? Give me more pros and cons, or support or refute the ones I have. Thanks. 

I think that based on the pros and cons you've listed, it may be worthwhile to look into getting a job in your field. I think it might be a little challenging in the beginning because mom was doing everything up until now, but they'll eventually adjust. You may also feel refreshed going out spending time being around adults. Lots of people would rather be around adults than children--that's a major reason why they get jobs. I think you should do it. I'm not a workaholic by any means, but I definitely prefer putting my skills to good use and I feel more productive, happier, and more confident than sitting at home, with the same old routine. You are a great mom and will continue to be a great mom even when you start working. The other members of the family will eventually start doing household chores.

Do it. 

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I wonder if any company would hire me if I tell them that I want to do work that is conscientious of social and environmental justice. 

I mean, if they're totally opposed they'd look at my social media and eliminate me from consideration, but I wonder whether it's possible to actively seek good work. 

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A bit of a cynical take on this:

My mom started her professional career quite early. She actually started her masters degree after the last of my siblings were born, quite early in her marriage.

She doesn't trust outside help, so she pretty much worked two jobs: her actual job, and being a housewife.

Over the years, she reached levels stress that neither she or anyone of us anticipated, and she tended to...umm...lash out, God bless her. Lately, she sometimes expresses the wish that she just stuck to being a stay at home mom. She often says that her career is fulfilling for her, but I don't think she's being completely honest.

On the plus side, her income is really, really good (Mash'Allah), and our life would have been quite different without it.

Take this with advice with a grain of salt (considering I'm a young, inexperienced adult :P ), if you want to start a career, then be open to the idea of getting outside help (whether paid professionals, or willing family members), to divide the workload.

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2 minutes ago, Sabrejet said:

if you want to start a career, then be open to the idea of getting outside help (whether paid professionals, or willing family members), to divide the workload.

I have about eight years experience in civil engineering, but I've been a stay-at-home mom for the past seven years. I also have lots of work experience in unrelated fields. I worked from when I was seventeen years old without a break often multiple jobs until 2014. I was a working single mom for years.

Right now my family does not need the money, so in a way, working outside would be much less stressful than it has been in the past. If my bosses demand too much or ask me to violate my ethics, I could simply quit. 

Also, I'd love to hire help with the cooking and cleaning! And I'd be able to afford it too! 

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7 hours ago, notme said:

- I'd still have to do all the mom stuff and house management stuff when I get home after work.

 

5 hours ago, notme said:

I'd get a lot less time with my kids.

Some advice aside from finding the meaningful work you desire would be this;

1. Don't give more than the allotted 9-5 that companies expect from you. I see way to often people losing the work-life balance because of overtime that is unpaid and unrealistic deadlines/expectations. Which leads to my second point.

2. Get a schedule. I personally use an app called TickTick but Todoist or google calendar would work as well. Throw everything you want to accomplish and do that day on it. Choose a start time/end time I.E. 9AM-9PM and plan it out meticulously (Work, Make Dinner, Prayers, Play with Kids, etc). You'd be so surprised how much you can fit into a day's work.

I think there's no need to let your education and talents go to waste. Especially if you feel like giving back to the world. The sense of accomplishment can be priceless.

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Salam sister, yes if u want and can. My aunt was an journalist, before getting her degree she use to work and study at the same time, after that she use to take care of her kids. She retired when my cousin graduated from university. 

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I'm not sure. If my mom worked then I think I would have been a different person. She often laments how she never worked but I tell her that she dedicated her life to setting up success for her children, and so she gets the credit for everything that we accomplish on Judgement Day. If you still think you can play that role, and your kids are kind of old then why not. Only you would know. If you're not sure then why not take a kheera?

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1 hour ago, Guest real window said:

If you still think you can play that role, and your kids are kind of old

My two oldest are adult. My two youngest are 9 and 6 years. Part time would be perfect, but I've never heard of it being done. If I can find partial remote, I'd be very happy. 

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I applied for a dozen jobs, some local, some virtual. Now I'm drinking tea and wondering if I really want to do this. I guess wish me success, whatever success is. 

If I can get invited to interviews I'm usually fine. I've never had a truly bad interview. 

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Should I hide or delete my social media? I feel like if somebody wouldn't hire me because I'm a tree hugging commie Muslim, I don't want to work for them anyway, so no need, but a lot of people do. What is the normal thing to do nowadays? 

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1 hour ago, notme said:

Should I hide or delete my social media? I feel like if somebody wouldn't hire me because I'm a tree hugging commie Muslim, I don't want to work for them anyway, so no need, but a lot of people do. What is the normal thing to do nowadays? 

private account maybe?

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Posted (edited)

I've expressed views opposing golf courses and excessively manicured lawns, and I'm concerned with solving the problems of gentrification. I'm looking for work in land development.... 

But I'd rather not take a job where I'd be asked to design a golf course subdivision. Even though that's a significant part of what I've done before. 

Edited by notme
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On 6/9/2021 at 11:44 AM, notme said:

Another pro: if anything happened to my husband we would, presumably, not be destitute. 

Another con: I'd get a lot less time with my kids. 

I understand your struggle. For me it came down to being there with my children--time with them has been precious and we have good relationships. It is a privilege and I have loved it and never regretted my decision. Not to shame you at all.  It is your decision.  (btw I am a doctor of veterinary medicine and was on the way to specializing in surgery--I do not regret financial compromises that resulted from staying home).  Also there are 'seasons' in life.  When they are older it is easier to spend more time outside the home and have it 'stay together'.  You probably know what I mean!

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I say that since you aren't hurting for the money, to actually go for it. There's nothing wrong with getting ahead if you can, and you could donate a decent amount of that money to charity if you didn't feel right about keeping all of it.

If your husband and son will help with the housework, then by all means but you shouldn't do it if you're going to be expected to come home and then do all the housework anyway.

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Posted (edited)

Salam,

My mum works as well and it's actually good training for us. Once my mum almost got a heart attack when she finished work and came home - like the dishes weren't washed. From that day onward I had gotten into the habit of cleaning the house regularly to make sure my mum is in a good mood. So it'll be good for your adult son.

Also keep us updated about your interview, hope you smash it. I'd say defs get back into work but hopefully the hours aren't bad and it's not overly stressful.

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans
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Is your husband working from home so that you can take the car to get yourself to work? 

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1 minute ago, Hameedeh said:

Is your husband working from home so that you can take the car to get yourself to work? 

His workplace has returned to in-office work, but I recently bought a nice used station wagon from a friend using my tax refund. The place where I'm interviewing expects to continue remote work through the summer, then transition to a hybrid schedule. 

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My mom was only a stay at home mom until maybe a year or two after my sister was born. Then she started working part time to help my old man (who couldn't really hold down a job) to pay the bills.

When we moved to Florida, my old man left after a year and then my mom had to start working full time and raising two kids. If it weren't for my grandmother and grandfather, she never would have been able to pull it off. My sister turned out good at least and has a normal life, she lives in Toronto now and is getting married in December.

If your kids are older, it's not really a big deal to work outside the home if you get the chance. Especially because it will give them the opportunity to start relying on themselves, give them a little more responsibility to get things done around the home... working outside of the home isn't the big negative that a lot of brothers want to argue that it is under the right circumstance. It can actually be a really positive experience both for you and in how it will make your other kids build character by helping with responsibilities around the house.

At least that's how I look at it. I could be wrong.

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19 hours ago, Abdul-Hadi said:

If your husband and son will help with the housework, then by all means but you shouldn't do it if you're going to be expected to come home and then do all the housework anyway.

I will absolutely refuse to do more housework than any other working outside family member! 

But I can't refuse to care for the kids. 

My one adult son says he wants to help. He has not proven himself reliable in the past. Neither of the other adults in the household have offered to do anything. 

What will happen if I just leave the cooking, cleaning, and miscellaneous management undone? What will happen if I act as an actual person and not a servant to the household? Will someone else pick it up? There's no way to know but to try it and find out. 

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9 hours ago, notme said:

What will happen if I just leave the cooking, cleaning, and miscellaneous management undone? What will happen if I act as an actual person and not a servant to the household? Will someone else pick it up? There's no way to know but to try it and find out. 

I would definitely make your oldest son aware that he has to start to be reliable now if you do end up choosing to go back to work. I don't work currently but my mom does so I prepare most of the dinner and do most of the cleaning and stuff around the house for her because it's cool of her to just be letting me live with her as an adult let alone be helping me financially since I have a remarkably difficult time holding down a job due to my condition and some other factors in my life at the moment that demand a lot of time that could otherwise be spent working full time.

As fr as the other adults in the household go, it sounds like they're going to have to start picking up some of the household responsibilities. Easy for me to say, but I don't understand the situation other than what I can glean from the info in the thread.

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