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In the Name of God بسم الله

Excuses for not being married.

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Or if u r picky or stingy, it will be very hard for u to find someone as well.

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Posted (edited)

From my perspective, I believe the excuses are legitimate. E.g. Partner Visa Application in Australia is now cost $10,000, few thousands for tickets and few thousands dollars expenses. It end ups costing $20,000 and already have house mortgage, insurance etc....

Its very hard to find someone for those don't have community or family circle. People don't want to recommend someone as afraid the blame will be on them if it doesn't work so they feel wrong about it ( I am talking about myself). So I'm left with 1 choice to marry from overseas.

Appearance, as much as I love to work on my appearance, I struggled because of the food we eat in the family. I did lose weight 2 years ago but my parents oh you lost gain, you should eat more and don't be like that. So now I am bit over weight, don't like how I look and feel depressed. I feel like I need a little bit of independence to do look after myself without being criticized.  I really hate myself. 

Sins, I wish I could overcome it forever but every now and then I fall back to it but parents don't understand the expectations, the pressure we face and not knowing how to cope makes it hard, even knowing how to cope, sometimes you want do thing or feel things to make you forget about the world or to feel a little bit of pleasure. but then you have never ending whispers of shaytan but our parents don't understand this, do they?

Being Envy/Jealous of friends/cousins success or they're being married whilst being a loner and afraid of being criticized, does not help me, causes me to fall into depression but do our parents understand? do they?

To be honest, lets says we go to iran, we propose for a girl and I get time with permission of adults to talk or get to know each other. I would not know what to talk about. I will be scared, what to do you talk about it??? what do you not suppose to talk about. how do you bring up a topic/issue wanna to talk about. I wouldn't know I 'll be scared as I don't want to offend her. No I don't have sister.

I have my heart broken before so I don't know really what love is anymore, I feel like if I have to express it, I wouldn't know or feel like faking it. I feel like I get mocked in here sometimes to know by 1 or 2 comments from female.

Its hard, its really is. The dream of having religious, morally and interested partner in following path of Ahl Bayet, is hard to find as in my situation. Perhaps for some other its easier which I am happy for them...

I can go on and go on but God Bless you for what  you said. You might be right and I am wrong. I just felt, I wanted to say these things that has bottled up inside of me :'( Y_Y

I hate myself.... I wish I could at least save myself from Fire of Hell if can't go to the lowest part of heaven.

Edited by Meedy
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Jazakumallah brother for opening this important thread. The marriage crisis in our community is not unlike a pandemic.

I fully agree that the solutions will require a combined effort from the youth themselves as well as their parents and society in general.

Regarding finances, parents should provide support here where possible. They are anyway supporting their children while they are single and studying, so surely they can also do so if they get married.

I think another issue is that people introduce a lot of unimportant criteria. The most important thing is to marry for the sake of closeness to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). It saddens me to see proposals rejected due to family, lineage, cultural background, wealth and other such irrelevant criteria.

 

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Ali_Hussain said:

Salam,

All those are valid points but the hardest is probably meeting people when you don't have a  family or social circle who are able to cast a wide net.

Obviously as a revert you are probably the wrong person to say this to as it must have been harder for you, but it is still a common issue.

If I did a number 4. That would be it. The fourth most common reason. It used to be higher up, but now with Internet, social media, etc, it is easier than it used to be. I remember trying to find a wife in the days before social media / apps took off. It was harder. Now it's not as hard to find someone, but you have to be much more careful about who you find and making sure they are not a scammer / crazy / a criminal / etc. At the same time, it is possible to filter thru contacts and eventually find someone without going thru the usual channels (family, extended family, masjid, etc). It is possible, but not easy. It will take time and it is a process, but Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will reward you for the efforts

When I was involved in Heavenly Match (thru Muslim congress), I would constantly emphasis that they should be as transparent as possible and make the goal to get brothers and sisters the highest possible number of meetings, and if someone didn't have anyone interested in meeting them, to assign a meeting randomly for that person to someone else. These first meetings were timed at only 10 minutes, so even if the meeting went completely wrong and the people weren't interested at all, it's only 10 minutes then its over, and on the upside they may actually meet someone that they weren't expecting to meet. It happens. I wish there were more of these things. 

Like I said before, it's a numbers game. The more potential spouses you meet, the greater chance that you will find someone within a reasonable amount of time. Don't rule out anything, as long as it's halal. Keep all avenues open and continue, continue until you succeed. You might have to go thru some 'stuff' along the way but with Allah(s.w.a)'s help you will succeed eventually. 

Yes, as a white male revert it was very difficult. It took me 4 years of somewhat intense effort. I found someone though, and we have been happy ever since. Yes, I went overseas after looking for years in the US. I am not one of those guys who says 'Oh, you have to go overseas because sisters in the US lie, cheat, etc, and their family will not be honest with you about their past'. I don't think that is true in general, although I'm sure there are specific cases of it happening, just like they happen everywhere. It was just that I didn't happen to meet someone in the US that I was interested in enough to get married, or I did but they were not interested in me. Sometimes it just works out that way. There are many good sisters in the US / UK / Australia / Canada, it just didn't work out for me but that doesn't mean it won't work out for other guys. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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39 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

Yes, as a white male revert it was very difficult. It took me 4 years of somewhat intense effort. I found someone though, and we have been happy ever since. Yes, I went overseas after looking for years in the US.

That’s too much work akhi. I’ll keep doing mutah. If I do end up doing nikka I’ll get me a catolica  mexicana. 

Edited by MexicanVato
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Posted (edited)
27 minutes ago, MexicanVato said:

If I do end up doing nikka I’ll get me a catolica  mexicana. 

I thought it wasn't allowed to permanently marry a non-muslim ?

Edit: according to Sayyid al-Sistani, at least:

Ruling 2416. A Muslim woman cannot marry a man who is a disbeliever (kāfir), be it in a permanent marriage or a temporary one. It makes no difference whether the man is from among the People of the Book (ahl al-kitāb)(2) or not. And a Muslim man cannot marry women who are disbelievers other than those from among the People of the Book. However, there is no problem if a Muslim man contracts a temporary marriage with Jewish or Christian women but, based on obligatory precaution, he must not contract a permanent marriage with them. As for Zoroastrian women, based on obligatory precaution, a Muslim man must not contract marriage with them, not even a temporary marriage.

Edited by Mohamad Abdel-Hamid
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Well looks like ima keep playing the field for life :(

I legit wasn’t aware of this ruling. I thought as I man I could do permanent marriage with them. Non Muslim Mexican women are easier to get. Just a few lines of Spanish. Woe is me lol.

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1 hour ago, MexicanVato said:

If I do end up doing nikka I’ll get me a catolica  mexicana.

Why not getting Muslim Mexican? 

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1 hour ago, MexicanVato said:

That’s too much work akhi. I’ll keep doing mutah. If I do end up doing nikka I’ll get me a catolica  mexicana. 

I had a friend who was Mexican-American Muslim convert. She was married and much too old for you, but I'm sure others exist. If you find one, treat her well. 

 

1 hour ago, MexicanVato said:

Well looks like ima keep playing the field for life :(

I legit wasn’t aware of this ruling. I thought as I man I could do permanent marriage with them. Non Muslim Mexican women are easier to get. Just a few lines of Spanish. Woe is me lol.

That's a technicality. You can have legal marriage and a 90 year mutah. But would you want your children to be raised by a non-Muslim? 

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13 minutes ago, notme said:

If you find one, treat her well. 

Of course I’m a sweetheart I am just not a push over. 
It is just rare to find Mexican Muslims. 
 

14 minutes ago, notme said:

That's a technicality. You can have legal marriage and a 90 year mutah. But would you want your children to be raised by a non-Muslim? 

Not really but other options are slim and I’m getting old, I want to be healthy and young enough to teach my kids how to box and other skills lol. 
 

It’s all good tho Ill figure something out. 

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26 minutes ago, MexicanVato said:

I want to be healthy and young enough to teach my kids how to box and other skills lol. 

May you find a pious, kind, and loving wife, and together raise children who are good people, and champion boxers. 

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2 hours ago, MexicanVato said:

Non Muslim Mexican women are easier to get. Just a few lines of Spanish.

Truly surprising how very easy it is for some men to do mutah. I guess It comes down to one's location in this big world.

In liberal western societies, mutah may be as simple as that - just speaking a few lines.

But in very conservative parts of the world, mutah is an absolute impossibility and completely unavailable, with no chance at all whatsoever. In fact, it is a blessing that even finding any haram relationship in such areas is often next to impossible. People are thus very sexually deprived because they neither have any halal means, nor can they find haram relationships to fulfill their desires. The later point is beneficial because not having an opportunity to sin is itself a blessing of Allah. 

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As-salam alaykom,

You might find what I am about to say strange, but hear me out. In countries and areas of countries where they consume no junk food or soft drinks, the men and women are rational and accepting of marriage. They know why they should get married, according nature, religion and personal fulfillment. They are rational and reasonable.

In the cities where they eat fast foods like USA, they are flabby and gayish men and women...delaying marriage or avoiding marriage.

"You are what you eat" If you eat crazy food, you will be crazy.

Example: Pakistani guy living in small town Pakistan never had and junk food...meets Pakistani girl living in USA eats some junk food (minimum) and drinks lots of Pepsi Cola.

He knows why a man and woman should be married rationally. If you hear him talk, you would be surprised at his level of rationality and reason.

On the contrary, the Pakistani girl living in the USA, eating some junk food and gulping Pepsi has no idea why a man and woman should be married. Mentally she doesn't have the ability to reason. She has a college degree, very religious, Niqabi and chaste.

She delays her marriage and avoids marriage to stay with family and her Mom is a mean ungrateful nightmare....also a BIG Pepsi Cola drinker.

It is the food and drink.

USA food makes people crazy.

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Also, a big issue for men is that it's getting harder and harder to establish yourself with an education and career. Everything being more expensive is the least of it. The world is so much more competitive, the new technology makes us lazier and has given us shorter attention spans, we can easily indulge in whatever we want and this has made us weak minded and weak willed, expectations are higher, standards are warped, we have new satanic pressures loaded on our shoulders, and of course they'd have their personal issues that hold them back.

If you want to get married:

First you'd have to unravel and undo the damage done to you in this satanic world. If you're fat (because gluttony is easily indulged in this world) then you'd have to partake in jihad al nafs and lose weight. Then, chances are you're among the 99% of men in this internet age who watch things you shouldn't watch and do things they shouldn't be doing, so you also have to take care of that. Then you have to cut down on the video games and online entertainment (youtube, tik tok), which is difficult since not even kings have had entertainment like this. Then you have to work on your social skills, since everybody is awkward and introverted in this anti-social age. You don't have to take care of all four to get a wife, but they weigh you down in a way that makes the process much more difficult. 

Then you have to build a career, as opposed to getting a job. Problem is the world is much more competitive. In the past there was nothing wrong with a C, now a B is the new C. Whatever you want to do, there are a dozen more qualified and more desperate people that you have to overcome. There are also new hurdles to overcome. In the past if you wanted to be a lawyer, you'd go to a practice, ask for an apprenticeship, then study for the bar and if you pass then congrats you're a lawyer. The old process was similar for many of today's professions, they were set up like trade schools where you only really learned what you needed to learn to do the job. College used to be a place where scholars in the pursuit of knowledge went, something optional only for the intellectuals who pursued science, philosophy, art, math, literature, etc. The fact that it's necessary now to get a job is ridiculous. 

There's also been a shift in the kind of jobs that are out there. In the past you could go down a street and find a bakery, a butcher-shop, a sweets-shop, a barbershop, a grocer, a place for just rugs, a hardware store, a pet store, a garden-shop, tailor-shop. Today all of that is redundant since we have wal-mart now. Now those jobs have been reduced to just something Ted from management ships in from a factory to place on a shelf. Now jobs are based on maintaining a big business so they can get their product/service out (hr, receptionist, graphic designer, manager, janitor, marketer, shipment). And another major chunk of jobs is just the restaurant industry, millions of jobs just so people can enjoy food. Hundred of thousands of jobs just for Fritos, and Taco-bell. It's all so unaesthetic, unnecessary, and unappealing, leaving many men scratching their heads wondering what they want to do with their lives. It doesn't feel like we're providing a service to society anymore, we're just helping Ronald McDonald get those cheeseburgers out. So if a man wants to have a meaningful job, he's forced to look at more difficult careers like computers, medicine, engineering, and those jobs were only meant for the talented. 

As a young man it feels like you're set up to be a loser.

The effort and grief required to get a wife today would have gotten you four in the past.

BUT

Allah does not give a soul more than it can burden. Us having tougher challenges means we are tougher than the men of yesterday. And we can achieve greatness that they could only dream of. It's harder, but that means Allah has great expectations for us. It is a mercy to be born in this age, and the compensation for our effort will be more than worth the minor and temporary annoyance

Edited by guest 2025
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3 minutes ago, guest 2025 said:

Also, a big issue for men is that it's getting harder and harder to establish yourself with an education and career. Everything being more expensive is the least of it. The world is so much more competitive, the new technology makes us lazier and has given us shorter attention spans, we can easily indulge in whatever we want and this has made us weak minded and weak willed, expectations are higher, standards are warped, we have new satanic pressures loaded on our shoulders, and of course they'd have their personal issues that hold them back.

If you want to get married:

First you'd have to unravel and undo the damage done to you in this satanic world. If you're fat (because gluttony is easily indulged in this world) then you'd have to partake in jihad al nafs and lose weight. Then, chances are you're among the 99% of men in this internet age who watch things you shouldn't watch and do things they shouldn't be doing, so you also have to take care of that. Then you have to cut down on the video games and online entertainment (youtube, tik tok), which is difficult since not even kings have had entertainment like this. Then you have to work on your social skills, since everybody is awkward and introverted in this anti-social age. You don't have to take care of all four to get a wife, but they weigh you down in a way that makes the process much more difficult. 

Then you have to build a career, as opposed to getting a job. Problem is the world is much more competitive. In the past there was nothing wrong with a C, now a B is the new C. Whatever you want to do, there are a dozen more qualified and more desperate people that you have to overcome. There are also new hurdles to overcome. In the past if you wanted to be a lawyer, you'd go to a practice, ask for an apprenticeship, then study for the bar and if you pass then congrats you're a lawyer. The old process was similar for many of today's professions, they were set up like trade schools where you only really learned what you needed to learn to do the job. College used to be a place where those in the pursuit of knowledge went, something optional only for the intellectuals who pursued science, philosophy, art, math, literature, etc. The fact that it's necessary now to get a job is ridiculous. 

There's also been a shift in the kind of jobs that are out there. In the past you could go down a street and find a bakery, a butcher-shop, a sweets-shop, a barbershop, a grocer, a place for just rugs, a hardware store, a pet store, a garden-shop, tailor-shop. Today all of that is redundant since we have wal-mart now. Now those jobs have been reduced to just something Ted from management ships in from a factory to place on a shelf. Now jobs are based on maintaining a big business so they can get their product/service out (hr, receptionist, graphic designer, manager, janitor, marketer, shipment). And another major chunk of jobs is just the restaurant industry, millions of jobs just so people can enjoy food. Hundred of thousands of jobs just for Fritos, and Taco-bell. It's all so unaesthetic, unnecessary, and unappealing, leaving many men scratching their heads wondering what they want to do with their lives. It doesn't feel like we're providing a service to society anymore, we're just helping Ronald McDonald get those cheeseburgers out. So if a man wants to have a meaningful job, he's forced to look at more difficult careers like computers, medicine, engineering, and those jobs were only meant for the talented. 

As a young man it feels like you're set up to be a loser.

The effort and grief required to get a wife today would have gotten you four in the past.

BUT

Allah does not give a soul more than it can burden. Us having tougher challenges means we are tougher than the men of yesterday. And we can achieve greatness that they could only dream of. It's harder, but that means Allah has great expectations for us. It is a mercy to be born in this age, and the compensation for our effort will be more than worth the minor and temporary annoyance

Exactly, it is the crazy, weak food.

you eat fake food.

 

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7 minutes ago, guest 2025 said:

Also, a big issue for men is that it's getting harder and harder to establish yourself with an education and career. Everything being more expensive is the least of it. The world is so much more competitive, the new technology makes us lazier and has given us shorter attention spans, we can easily indulge in whatever we want and this has made us weak minded and weak willed, expectations are higher, standards are warped, we have new satanic pressures loaded on our shoulders, and of course they'd have their personal issues that hold them back.

If you want to get married:

First you'd have to unravel and undo the damage done to you in this satanic world. If you're fat (because gluttony is easily indulged in this world) then you'd have to partake in jihad al nafs and lose weight. Then, chances are you're among the 99% of men in this internet age who watch things you shouldn't watch and do things they shouldn't be doing, so you also have to take care of that. Then you have to cut down on the video games and online entertainment (youtube, tik tok), which is difficult since not even kings have had entertainment like this. Then you have to work on your social skills, since everybody is awkward and introverted in this anti-social age. You don't have to take care of all four to get a wife, but they weigh you down in a way that makes the process much more difficult. 

Then you have to build a career, as opposed to getting a job. Problem is the world is much more competitive. In the past there was nothing wrong with a C, now a B is the new C. Whatever you want to do, there are a dozen more qualified and more desperate people that you have to overcome. There are also new hurdles to overcome. In the past if you wanted to be a lawyer, you'd go to a practice, ask for an apprenticeship, then study for the bar and if you pass then congrats you're a lawyer. The old process was similar for many of today's professions, they were set up like trade schools where you only really learned what you needed to learn to do the job. College used to be a place where those in the pursuit of knowledge went, something optional only for the intellectuals who pursued science, philosophy, art, math, literature, etc. The fact that it's necessary now to get a job is ridiculous. 

There's also been a shift in the kind of jobs that are out there. In the past you could go down a street and find a bakery, a butcher-shop, a sweets-shop, a barbershop, a grocer, a place for just rugs, a hardware store, a pet store, a garden-shop, tailor-shop. Today all of that is redundant since we have wal-mart now. Now those jobs have been reduced to just something Ted from management ships in from a factory to place on a shelf. Now jobs are based on maintaining a big business so they can get their product/service out (hr, receptionist, graphic designer, manager, janitor, marketer, shipment). And another major chunk of jobs is just the restaurant industry, millions of jobs just so people can enjoy food. Hundred of thousands of jobs just for Fritos, and Taco-bell. It's all so unaesthetic, unnecessary, and unappealing, leaving many men scratching their heads wondering what they want to do with their lives. It doesn't feel like we're providing a service to society anymore, we're just helping Ronald McDonald get those cheeseburgers out. So if a man wants to have a meaningful job, he's forced to look at more difficult careers like computers, medicine, engineering, and those jobs were only meant for the talented. 

As a young man it feels like you're set up to be a loser.

The effort and grief required to get a wife today would have gotten you four in the past.

BUT

Allah does not give a soul more than it can burden. Us having tougher challenges means we are tougher than the men of yesterday. And we can achieve greatness that they could only dream of. It's harder, but that means Allah has great expectations for us. It is a mercy to be born in this age, and the compensation for our effort will be more than worth the minor and temporary annoyance

that was very motivational :verryhappy:

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43 minutes ago, guest 2025 said:

the compensation for our effort will be more than worth the minor and temporary annoyance

Sura 55 - Ayat 56-60

فِيهِنَّ قَـٰصِرَٲتُ ٱلطَّرْفِ لَمْ يَطْمِثْهُنَّ إِنسٌ قَبْلَهُمْ وَلَا جَآنٌّ

Wherein both will be those (maidens) restraining their glances upon their husbands, whom no man or jinn has touched before them.

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?

كَأَنَّهُنَّ ٱلْيَاقُوتُ وَٱلْمَرْجَانُ

(In beauty) they are like rubies and coral.

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?

هَلْ جَزَآءُ ٱلْإِحْسَـٰنِ إِلَّا ٱلْإِحْسَـٰنُ

Is there any reward for good other than good?

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20 minutes ago, Anonymous-Male said:

Sura 55 - Ayat 56-60

فِيهِنَّ قَـٰصِرَٲتُ ٱلطَّرْفِ لَمْ يَطْمِثْهُنَّ إِنسٌ قَبْلَهُمْ وَلَا جَآنٌّ

Wherein both will be those (maidens) restraining their glances upon their husbands, whom no man or jinn has touched before them.

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?

كَأَنَّهُنَّ ٱلْيَاقُوتُ وَٱلْمَرْجَانُ

(In beauty) they are like rubies and coral.

فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?

هَلْ جَزَآءُ ٱلْإِحْسَـٰنِ إِلَّا ٱلْإِحْسَـٰنُ

Is there any reward for good other than good?

That will be a relief for everyone. Because people who do not want to commit to one woman or one man, typically share themselves with many...and they get STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) and spread them to others. It is a filthy, disgusting problem. What if some day, we learn that cancer and other fatal diseases are from the STD viruses and they get into our gene pool. Our future generations get unexplained illnesses, cancer for instance, through their genes because one of their relatives had an STD.

Do not risk your health. Get married and have a fulfilling life with one person, otherwise you could get an STD that maybe kills you and drags on for generations in your family's genes.

That is why the Muslim religion is FAR SUPERIOR to any other. 

Our religion commands chastity and it commands marriage.

STOP TESTING FATE AND OBEY OUR PERFECT RELIGION!

Get married, have intercourse with one women and keep all of the rules of our religion.

 

 

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5 hours ago, Mohamad Abdel-Hamid said:

I thought it wasn't allowed to permanently marry a non-muslim ?

Edit: according to Sayyid al-Sistani, at least:

Ruling 2416. A Muslim woman cannot marry a man who is a disbeliever (kāfir), be it in a permanent marriage or a temporary one. It makes no difference whether the man is from among the People of the Book (ahl al-kitāb)(2) or not. And a Muslim man cannot marry women who are disbelievers other than those from among the People of the Book. However, there is no problem if a Muslim man contracts a temporary marriage with Jewish or Christian women but, based on obligatory precaution, he must not contract a permanent marriage with them. As for Zoroastrian women, based on obligatory precaution, a Muslim man must not contract marriage with them, not even a temporary marriage.

Some Marjaa' allow it. 

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5 hours ago, MexicanVato said:

That’s too much work akhi. I’ll keep doing mutah. If I do end up doing nikka I’ll get me a catolica  mexicana. 

The best way would be if you met a mexicana, then talked to her about Islam and she became Muslima. The fastest growing part of the Muslim population in the US is the Hispanic revert community. 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Tabassum Iman said:

As-salam alaykom,

You might find what I am about to say strange, but hear me out. In countries and areas of countries where they consume no junk food or soft drinks, the men and women are rational and accepting of marriage. They know why they should get married, according nature, religion and personal fulfillment. They are rational and reasonable.

In the cities where they eat fast foods like USA, they are flabby and gayish men and women...delaying marriage or avoiding marriage.

"You are what you eat" If you eat crazy food, you will be crazy.

Example: Pakistani guy living in small town Pakistan never had and junk food...meets Pakistani girl living in USA eats some junk food (minimum) and drinks lots of Pepsi Cola.

He knows why a man and woman should be married rationally. If you hear him talk, you would be surprised at his level of rationality and reason.

On the contrary, the Pakistani girl living in the USA, eating some junk food and gulping Pepsi has no idea why a man and woman should be married. Mentally she doesn't have the ability to reason. She has a college degree, very religious, Niqabi and chaste.

She delays her marriage and avoids marriage to stay with family and her Mom is a mean ungrateful nightmare....also a BIG Pepsi Cola drinker.

It is the food and drink.

USA food makes people crazy.

Food is part of it, but not all of it. One of my favorite foods is candy bars (Snickers and Hershey). I don't eat more than 1 per day and some days I don't eat any but its still a craving I have. Also, when I was a kid, I was basically raised on McDonalds hamburgers and fries (before I reverted). I managed to stay in shape because I played alot of sports. I obviously don't eat those things (McDonalds) anymore. 

Your soul is what drives your decision to get married. If you keep your soul pure thru obeying Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) (doing the wajib and avoiding the haram) you will naturally want to get married. I can't imagine a practicing muslima (even if she drinks alot of pepsi) not wanting to get married. Maybe she will have a hard time finding a spouse, if she becomes very obese from all the sugar, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to get married and doesn't see the logic in it. She might have given up on the idea because she thinks that noone would want to marry her (#2 above). It is much easier to lose weight than to purify the soul after it becomes used to haram. 

I agree though, that natural foods are more healthy and I try to avoid junk food but it's difficult, especially here in the US where it's cheap and everywhere. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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Getting married is very easy. Tons of people, even Muslims, find partners quickly. It only becomes difficult for those who have any sort of standards. And having standards about your spouse's level of faith is the most difficult standard to have nowadays. People are practicing less and less. But this is our test of patience inshallah we make it through

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Posted (edited)
22 hours ago, Meedy said:

From my perspective, I believe the excuses are legitimate. E.g. Partner Visa Application in Australia is now cost $10,000, few thousands for tickets and few thousands dollars expenses. It end ups costing $20,000 and already have house mortgage, insurance etc....

 

Your first option should be looking for someone that lives in Australia, not someone outside. This is your best chance, since there are alot less hurdles to jump thru if you don't have to go thru the Visa Application process, which I know is difficult, and I went thru this with my wife. Only after doing a thorough search in your local area, then state, then country, should you then go outside of your country. 

Some people are stuck on the idea of marrying someone from overseas and this this is the only option. Don't get stuck on one option or another. Like I said, I married someone from overseas but this was only after years of looking within my own local area, state, country and not finding anyone suitable that I knew about did I consider that option. It is more risky, because there are many women and men who only want to come to the 'West' and are obsessed with this and will be dishonest with a potential spouse regarding their intentions to stay with the person, long term. This didn't happen to me, but it happened to other people I know. Still, it is worth the risk if that is your only option. 

If you want to be able to deal with the expenses, you have to think about 'What do I really need to live' ? A house, food, clothing, for me and my wife. This could also include insurance, etc, but there are ways to reduce your expenses on insurance. Just a tip, most people don't read their policies and end up paying for things they don't need. If you read your policy, and take off any kind of coverage that you don't need or don't want, this will reduce your insurance bill significantly. Most insurance companies add in extra types of coverage that you probably don't need, because their only goal is making a profit. Your goal is to pay less. 

If you just think about 'What do I need to live' and base your expenses on that, rather than what you want, or what you think you need to keep your 'reputation', you will find that you probably have enough to live on. If you have to take on a second, part time job, again, this is a better option than staying single. 

 

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22 hours ago, Meedy said:

Appearance, as much as I love to work on my appearance, I struggled because of the food we eat in the family. I did lose weight 2 years ago but my parents oh you lost gain, you should eat more and don't be like that. So now I am bit over weight, don't like how I look and feel depressed. I feel like I need a little bit of independence to do look after myself without being criticized.  I really hate myself. 

Sins, I wish I could overcome it forever but every now and then I fall back to it but parents don't understand the expectations, the pressure we face and not knowing how to cope makes it hard, even knowing how to cope, sometimes you want do thing or feel things to make you forget about the world or to feel a little bit of pleasure. but then you have never ending whispers of shaytan but our parents don't understand this, do they?

 

They understand, but they are trying to be a role model for you by displaying good behaviour and values so that you will mirror them. Your view of your parents is 'skewed' as far as comparing your sins to their past sins, when they were young, because most parents will never tell their kids about their past sins they did when they were young, because they don't want to give their kids an excuse to do the same thing, with the justification that, 'Well, my parents did this'. I have probably shared more about my past on SC than I have with my own kids because they are at that vunerable age now where they can be easily influenced into getting into haram. By not sharing this, they are trying to protect you, but it has side effects, one of which is a wrong perspective about how serious your sins are compared to your parents, whom most people believe don't have any serious sins to deal with. Most of the time this is wrong. 

The main thing you have to keep in mind is don't compare yourself to others, as far as sins and seriousness of sins. You know alot more about yourself than you know about other people. You only know about them what they choose to share with you, or what you find out accidently. There is so much more that you don't know. That's why comparing yourself to others is very problematic and can often lead to very wrong and skewed perspective on the world. You don't know their past, their internal struggles, the trials they went thru. That's also why you should never judge anyone. If you see them doing wrong actions in front of you, you should condemn their actions, but you shouldn't jump to a conclusion about who they are really or their ultimate fate, because you have very little or no information on that. 

If you sin, ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to forgive you and resolve in your mind never to repeat the sin, and if you violated the rights of anyone in the process of doing the sin, try as hard as you can to restore those rights to them. That is what Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) requires of you, He(s.w.a) does not require you to 'fix' the issues of others, because you can't. All you can do is Amr BIl Maroof wa Nahiya Al Munkhar. 

 

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22 hours ago, Meedy said:

To be honest, lets says we go to iran, we propose for a girl and I get time with permission of adults to talk or get to know each other. I would not know what to talk about. I will be scared, what to do you talk about it??? what do you not suppose to talk about. how do you bring up a topic/issue wanna to talk about. I wouldn't know I 'll be scared as I don't want to offend her. No I don't have sister.

I have my heart broken before so I don't know really what love is anymore, I feel like if I have to express it, I wouldn't know or feel like faking it. I feel like I get mocked in here sometimes to know by 1 or 2 comments from female.

Its hard, its really is. The dream of having religious, morally an

That's why I said that going to Iran should not be your first choice. Because you know the culture of Australian Iranians better than you know the culture of Iranians who live in Iran. If youre goal is to get married to a sincere lady who is a follower of Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)), like you said, then that goal does not necessarily include going to Iran. You need to look around where you are first and see if there are any ladies that meet this requirement where you are. Why make things harder for yourself ? 

At the same time, if you exhaust your local options, then you find yourself needing to go to Iran, it will not be as scary as you think. Your mind is playing tricks on you by magnifying all the bad things that could happen and making those possibilities into certainties. Most likely, things will unfold in Iran in a very similar way to how they would have unfolded in Australia, with maybe a few extra twists like differences in tone, location, and food, maybe. People who live in Iran are not aliens and Iran is not an alien planet. A father in Iran basically wants the same thing for his daughter as a father in Australia. They want their daughter to have a husband who follow the religion, is honest, kind, takes care of her and won't abuse her. That's it. Nothing complicated. They might express it in different ways. If you keep that in mind and 'sell yourself' in that way, you will not have any problems, either in Australia or Iran. Now to keep the marriage going, long term, and not have problem, you really need to follow the religion, be honest, kind, and not abuse her. 

 

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Posted (edited)
35 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

Your first option should be looking for someone that lives in Australia, not someone outside. This is your best chance, since there are alot less hurdles to jump thru if you don't have to go thru the Visa Application process, which I know is difficult, and I went thru this with my wife. Only after doing a thorough search in your local area, then state, then country, should you then go outside of your country. 

My parents did try even within the community, with those we have contacts in here but couldn't find a suitable for me either people don't make recommendation/ don't want anything to do with it so its hard. My parents said if you can find someone yourself, that would be great too.

I am not expect my partner to be angel, she can work and study, if don't want to wear hijab, at least wear respectable clothes, respect each others families and she does her religious duty.

We really tried and still try... me and my parents were planning to go to Iran when borders open so yeah.

By Iran, I mean our relatives or from afghan families we may know or get recommended in Iran

Such as Life, Crazy World We live... Thanks for your advice much appreciated. Whatever happens, happens... I suppose I'll give an update if anything happens  :P

Edited by Meedy
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Posted (edited)
21 minutes ago, Meedy said:

My parents did try even within the community, with those we have contacts in here but couldn't find a suitable for me either people don't make recommendation/ don't want anything to do with it so its hard. My parents said if you can find someone yourself, that would be great too.

I am not expect my partner to be angel, she can work and study, if don't want to wear hijab, at least wear respectable clothes, respect each others families and she does her religious duty.

We really tried and still try... me and my parents were planning to go to Iran when borders open so yeah.

By Iran, I mean our relatives or from afghan families we may know or get recommended in Iran

Such as Life, Crazy World We live... Thanks for your advice much appreciated. Whatever happens, happens... I suppose I'll give an update if anything happens  :P

InShahAllah Brother. I will make Dua for you that you find someone. If you go the Shrine of Imam Reda((عليه السلام)), make Dua for me that I can go someday to make Ziyarat. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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2 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

If you have to take on a second, part time job, again, this is a better option than staying single. 

Not always, but it's worth considering. 

Being married to someone and never seeing them because you both are always working is worse than not being married and not a feasible long-term plan. Working two or three jobs to reach a specific goal is probably fine for many people who do not have children, or for a very short time (months to a couple years) with children if you have family or community support. 

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30 minutes ago, notme said:

Being married to someone and never seeing them because you both are always working is worse than not being married

Or you could be married but not live in the same house, or same city or even same country. This is more difficult than being unmarried, but sometimes people have to be in these situations for extended periods. 

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Posted (edited)
48 minutes ago, notme said:

Not always, but it's worth considering. 

Being married to someone and never seeing them because you both are always working is worse than not being married and not a feasible long-term plan. Working two or three jobs to reach a specific goal is probably fine for many people who do not have children, or for a very short time (months to a couple years) with children if you have family or community support. 

That's why I said, if you have to take a second, part time job. Working 60 hours per week is doable, not forever but for a while. That is one full time job (40 hrs) plus one part time job (20 hrs). Lots of people do this and still have good family relationships. That's only if you have to. If you are making a good income by only working 40 hours per week or less (lucky !), and you can pay your bills then there is no reason to take on a second job. Any more than 60 hours per week, yes would definitely make maintaining family relationships very difficult. 

I've had to do this (60 hours per week) at certain points in my life. That is the sacrifice I made so that my family had a decent life. I am not doing this anymore, but would be willing to do it in the future, if my family needs me to. I think most people here would agree that if it needs to be done, they would be willing to do it. At the same time, yes, I would not take on an extra job or extra hours for anything trivial (like being able to buy a fancier car or a vacation home), it's not worth it in that case. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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On 5/21/2021 at 10:59 PM, Mahdavist said:

Jazakumallah brother for opening this important thread. The marriage crisis in our community is not unlike a pandemic.

I fully agree that the solutions will require a combined effort from the youth themselves as well as their parents and society in general.

Regarding finances, parents should provide support here where possible. They are anyway supporting their children while they are single and studying, so surely they can also do so if they get married.

I think another issue is that people introduce a lot of unimportant criteria. The most important thing is to marry for the sake of closeness to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). It saddens me to see proposals rejected due to family, lineage, cultural background, wealth and other such irrelevant criteria.

This is not irrelevant criteria.

381. Man should give importance to the qualities of the woman he would like to marry. He should not marry except a woman who is chaste, honourable, of good lineage, and righteous. She should be a source of help to him in the affairs of this world and the hereafter.

https://www.sistani.org/english/book/46/2061/

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11 hours ago, Mahdavist said:
14 hours ago, Meedy said:

My parents said if you can find someone yourself, that would be great too.

Have you tried online matrimonial sites?

No I haven't. I don't feel comfortable or know how legitimate it is or not.  I feared of being played with (as past experience).

I think if the site is inactive with few users, the admin perhaps should close off the website rather then leaving it and giving false hope to people.

Although I might give it ago before I pass a final judgement of dating from my perspective.

 

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