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In the Name of God بسم الله

I need some opinions and also advice?

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As-salamu alykum everyone, 

This is my first post on here. I am stuck in a little bit dilemma you could say. I had recently had a marriage proposal come in where the guy is at least 10+ years older than me (mind you I'm only 22 atm), thrice divorced (had nikkahs but got divorced before the actual "wedding reception"), smokes, has a stable job, income and his own house, as far as I know he's a practicing Shia Muslim and I think a good person (haven't spoken to him at all). While I am, as mentioned only 22, still in school finishing up my bachelor's (InshaAllah) and no stable income. 

My mum and dad thinks because he is a great guy and practicing muslim his marital status, age and some habits shouldn't matter. In the beginning my parents knew that he had been twice divorced, but were unaware of the third one. So, because of this my dad thought that by having a "higher" Mahr might be beneficial and make the marriage last? Long story short; after looking into the family we found out he was thrice divorced and found out that the cause of the breakage of the other three nikkahs were because of his mum; I guess she didn't like the girls or something and she asked him to break-off the marriage. Allahhu Alam. 

So, my question is do I have reasonable I guess arguments/ points to not accept this marriage proposal because of his past history and the fact that he could be twice my age and that he smokes, which I am highly against. My mum thinks that I am being slightly unreasonable/ ungrateful but I think that I am being logical and rational here. I mean imagine in the future if we were to get married and his mum and I have a slight disagreement upon something and she calls up her son to tell him to drop me off at my parents house and divorce me, then what happens? I would say that my future is ruined if that were to happen. Plus, my list of a partner is not exhaustive, it's quite simple and straightforward. 

Please help a sister out and I guess either agree or disagree with me? And give me any advice if you have any. 

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I can't make assumptions about him, but him allowing his mom to end marriages, if that is reality and not a rumor, is not a good sign. 

But also, we have to give him the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that he had really bad luck 3 times. 

If you've done all the research you could have, take a kheera.

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4 minutes ago, guest 2025 said:

I can't make assumptions about him, but him allowing his mom to end marriages, if that is reality and not a rumor, is not a good sign. 

But also, we have to give him the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that he had really bad luck 3 times. 

If you've done all the research you could have, take a kheera.

Unfortunately, it's not rumours and it is reality. 

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Posted (edited)

Salam,

There was a saying "Don't marry the person that you in love, but love the person that you are married to".

The moral of the saying...Be objective in accepting a proposal.  You don't get married on regular basis.  Marriage is one important event for unmarried woman.

All concerns, as much as you can, must be cleared at front end (from your heart and mind) and NOT after the nikah.  After the nikah..it is all about loving each other and not to bragg about the past issues.

Wallahualam.   Sorry for being straight forward in my comment.

Edited by layman
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As-salam alaykom,

 

Indeed Sister, you are in a serious dilemma.

Smoking is of the filthy harams.

If he is truly a practicing Shi'ite Muslim, then he must absolutely without any return quit this filthy haram. His cigarettes will precede everything, they will always be #1.

Any addict can testify to this fact.

You and your children will not be his #1 love and devotion. His cigarettes will be #1.

Do not forget this.

Since his Mother has Thrice made demands forcing him to divorce and broken three other women's hearts due to "whimsical likes and dislikes?" Then you have the Right and Obligation to make Demands on him and his Mother, and all those who side with her if you decide to marry him.

This situation is not without risk. There is risk in marrying him and there is risk marrying into this family!

You are NOT LESS than him.

You are NOT LESS WORTHY than him.

You are VALUABLE and your parents have the right to stand up for you.

His Mother has taken risks with his future by forcing divorce of his previous THREE wives. That is not a small number of women to go through. 

It is not acceptable for her to interfere in his marriages forcing divorces to the point where he will probably remain a lone bachelor smoking himself to death in his lonely house.

His advanced age is a testimony to the ruthlessness with which his previous marriages have been destroyed.

If you are truly interested in him, then you should speak to him with a Mahram and see if in fact there is any attraction.

- If there is no attraction, then walk away and do not look back.

+ If there is attraction, then you must demand that he quits the filthy haram cigarettes.

And you must get the upper hand over his Mother. Let her know that he is not a viable marriage partner with Three previous divorces, but love conquers hate and you will be the fourth and final wife.

You are WORTHY and VALUABLE.

You are the lovely and honourable result of your parents hard work, dedication, blood, sweat and tears; they do not have to be forced to risk dropping you into a troubled and negative situation. 

Your Parents also deserve better. If only they knew.

 

My Duas are with you and your family.

 

 

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As-salam alaykom,

How do I get this post/ topic thing deleted? I guess you could say that I got the answers I wanted and the issue has been resolved now. Alhamdulillah!! If anyone can help that would be great!

Thanks!!

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