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In the Name of God بسم الله

How to remove fantasies of being in a relationship?

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Posted (edited)

Salam, 

Is there a possible way to stop fantasising about being in a relationship with a female. Like many young people, the thought of having a loved one and being loved is captivating my mind both day and night. It's killing me to such an extent that my mental health is declining.

It's almost as if my mind and soul has been convinced that the only way i can experience happiness in life is if I have someone to share it with. But the thing is, the thought of marriage won't be happening anytime soon.... perhaps years..... perhaps I may never find true love.

My life has been so incredibly unfulfilling this past year, particularly these last few weeks. I have no friends, a dead social life, no "meaningful" hobbies. My interests are exercising, solitude walks in the park and playing video games which are pretty bland.

Each time I go out, I feel lonely and unworthy. Maybe that is why I have been overly obsessed with finding a partner, but I have severe low self confidence that it would make it impossible to find one if I even tried.

Perhaps this is just my brain trying to seek a way out of the constant daily challenge of remaining chaste and avoiding haram. 

Is there anyway to remove these excessive fantasies? Thanks :)

Edited by Ya Mahdi1999
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  • Ya Mahdi1999 changed the title to How to remove fantasies of being in a relationship?
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Posted (edited)

You sound intimidated by the opposite gender. They're just fallible human beings like yourself.

Just be straight up. Present your honest self. Tell her who you are, how it'll be, what you will want. If she says no then be like whatever and then just move on to the next person. There will be that random person X who will accept you as her partner. All kinds of things happen in this world and all kinds of relationships happily exist. I'm not saying it'll be an odd situation for you or anything but yeah just relax and do what you need to do.

And man, these days like everyone has issues lol. I'm sure she will have some issues too.

Just do your best to yourself for God. Try your best to be great, so that you can serve God and be of use to the Imam (a) of your time.

And make the intention to and let her feel that you will try to do the best in your capacity for her.

Leave the rest in God's hands. 

Edited by AStruggler
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Wa alaikum as salam brother

You have partly answered the question. You seem to spend a lot of time alone, some of it in good ways (walking in the nature for example) and some uselessly (playing video games - this is in itself fine but often people spend hours and hours on it which is wasteful). 

Socializing with people who avoid haraam activities would be a good way of staying occupied. 

The second and more important point is that you seem to have written off marriage. Why? Surely you should already consider getting married? 

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7 hours ago, Mahdavist said:

Socializing with people who avoid haraam activities would be a good way of staying occupied. 

I guess this is my downfall, I don't have any pious friends. I used to have a friend but he was obsessed with dunya and getting into haram relationships. His actions eventually had an impact on me and led me to do something I regret. I have cut ties with him but this has now left me with no friends. I've been frequently going to the masjid lately but I feel like an outcast......

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11 hours ago, Ya Mahdi1999 said:

My life has been so incredibly unfulfilling this past year, particularly these last few weeks. I have no friends, a dead social life, no "meaningful" hobbies. My interests are exercising, solitude walks in the park and playing video games which are pretty bland.

Salam. Brother we're not here to amuse ourselves and fill time with fun, this life is the only opportunity you will have to work so you can reap the benefits on Judgement Day.

As a young man you should occupy yourself with a lifelong mission, a cause that you particularly empathize with. It could be charity, it could be serving your 12th Imam, it could be teaching, fighting injustice, etc. There is something that only you can/will do. There are men who dedicate themselves to growing entire forests, there is a doctor who works in a poor area for free, there is a man who spends his time filling potholes, one who takes care of animals in a sanctuary, etc. Though I don't say that to knock on the average Shia, they dedicate themselves to their families and communities and that is just as noble if not more.

Maybe you should take a step back and think about what cause you want to serve. Sometimes Allah closes doors around us so we can be led to a specific location.

Edited by guest 2025
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I have the same issue brother. I'm young so marriage is out of reach for a few years at the very least, but it seems to occupy my mind a lot. Wish I could think of more productive things

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On 5/7/2021 at 11:16 PM, Ya Mahdi1999 said:

Salam, 

Is there a possible way to stop fantasising about being in a relationship with a female. Like many young people, the thought of having a loved one and being loved is captivating my mind both day and night. It's killing me to such an extent that my mental health is declining.

It's almost as if my mind and soul has been convinced that the only way i can experience happiness in life is if I have someone to share it with. But the thing is, the thought of marriage won't be happening anytime soon.... perhaps years..... perhaps I may never find true love.

My life has been so incredibly unfulfilling this past year, particularly these last few weeks. I have no friends, a dead social life, no "meaningful" hobbies. My interests are exercising, solitude walks in the park and playing video games which are pretty bland.

Each time I go out, I feel lonely and unworthy. Maybe that is why I have been overly obsessed with finding a partner, but I have severe low self confidence that it would make it impossible to find one if I even tried.

Perhaps this is just my brain trying to seek a way out of the constant daily challenge of remaining chaste and avoiding haram. 

Is there anyway to remove these excessive fantasies? Thanks :)

Salam alaykom brother,

it’s legit my situation. I also feel like my life is incomplete, always thinking about being with someone,etc. Allah  encourages us young adults to get married for so many positive reasons, it’s important and know you actually complete half of your deen. Allah wants you to marry a pious, well-manered, fearing Allah person. But I think and I say this also to myself, that we should start by finding our role in this society, have plans/ambitions, start to be more professional and inshallah Allah will send you the right one at the right time, let things come naturally. When we fantasies so much, we tend to forget reality, forget that our partner have needs, forget to ask ourselves questions

We fell in love with THE concept of having someone to love and be loved to which we fantasies right? That’s why we need to look from new perspectives, that love is a serious thing, it can build you or break you. It’s taking risks, look at most of heartbroken people, that’s why Allah don’t us to be in couples ,"boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship, there’s no stability. 

We human beings can’t live without it as well. we’ll lead ourselves to our own destruction, God created us with His infinite mercy and love. He created us to taste His love and depart with it forever. Life is to love. But ask yourself, can someone say they love Allah, but don’t follow Islam? That’s impossible. That’s why Allah wants us to follow His perfect system, to know how to love Him back or else we’ll be lost. So this is one of reasons why in Islam there are rulings for men/women before and after mariages. Mariage is like islam, you commit yourself to someone and both demand you follow your responsibilities. 
InshAllah, you'll meet the right one at the right time, always do duas in sujood and ask Him all you want. you can dm me if you need anything, we’re both in this situation. 

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Posted (edited)

If a person is single, is he even allowed to have a desire so strong that fantasies come in his mind?

Since unmarried people are not permitted to fulfill their natural urges in any way at all, then it means they shouldn't be even thinking about it in the first place. Only people who have spouses are allowed to have these desires whereas the single ones are required to suppress and curb their desires to the point that even fantasies don't cross their minds.

If you don't have a spouse - you shouldn't be thinking about it because out of sight is out of mind. That's why lowering the gaze is so important that the seed of desire does not get implanted in the brain in the first place.

Yes, once you get married, you can look at your spouse and allow your desire to grow. Before that, one has to do the opposite. Well, easier said than done...but then that's the way it is.

No wonder Imam Ali as. said the greatest worship is to limit the sexual desire to that which is permissible. 

Edited by Azadar-e-Ali
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Feel ya. I tend to daydream a lot, and daydreaming about being in a relationship is recurring constantly. My therapist basically told me that it's probably a sign that I should try to get a girl. Because usually when you get these recurring thoughts, your mind is trying to tell you something important. Same thing with emotional triggers that seemingly are random, they are indicators that something has yet to be resolved. 

So that'll be my advice to you. Just try to get a relationship, otherwise these obsessions will continue. 

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24 minutes ago, BleedKnee said:

Just try to get a relationship, otherwise these obsessions will continue

Yea, but when someone is not in a relationship, is it even allowed for him to have these obsessions ? Forbidden thoughts are not permissible, as far as I understand. 

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That's incredibly difficult to do. Thoughts come about randomly and without control, he can't just purposely limit his thoughts. Honestly, I can't see how thoughts in general can be haram considering this. 

Of course, having your mind on sex all the time can lead to masturbation, so its important to occupy yourself with other things. Focus on work, hobbies, etc., in the end though, the solution really is to search and find a relationship. At this point, he's just fighting against his nature and that's not what Islam is about. It's about moderating it. 

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In a way, fighting against nature is what Islam is about because the nature (or the evil nafs) compels one to do wrong and we have to fight against this like Jihad. That's called Jihad fin nafs ( holy war against the evil self). Actually this has been termed as the greater Jihad. So yeah, it's not easy....but until one can find a relationship, this battle against the self has to go on. The mind needs to be distracted so that the thoughts of fantasy do not enter. 

If it's not like this, then does it mean that single persons are allowed to have  fantasies of relationships  with females? I really doubt that this would be permissible? Again, not saying it is easy to banish these thoughts from the mind, but then again that doesn't mean they are allowed either....or are they? 

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Guys sexual desire is not evil or having to be "fought" its not some 1 v 1 boxing match. Sexual desire is great its motivation to why you need to get married if it wasnt there you wouldnt wanna get married and fullfill a major part of religion. Its a blessing of being young and if you can use your sexual energy to your advantage it will just help you. That is what you should do with it, use it to your advantage instead of letting it become your enemy. Take all that logical thinking you spend on sex and women and put it on your purpose and goals. The only time sexual desire may appear as an enemy is if you have an addiction that feeds off of it (masturbation, porn addiction) if you dont then just be grateful that you have it because its a blessing.

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Posted (edited)

 

1 hour ago, Khurasani said:

The only time sexual desire may appear as an enemy is if you have an addiction that feeds off of it (masturbation, porn addiction)

There is a Hadith on the lines that if a man is having intimacy with his wife and during this he fantasizes another woman, then he has done a grave sin (something like that). This means we are responsible for our thoughts. Likewise, if a man is unmarried and he imagines being intimate with a woman, can we say that this is a good thing and completely natural and a blessing ? 

Really, I don't think so. Men (both married and unmarried) should distance themselves from women to such a level that they don't even hear their voices.

Imam Ali (عليه السلام) avoided talking to young women for this reason because he feared that their voice will ignite wrong sensations in him. I think following in his footsteps, men have to stay away from women, or atleast lower their gaze so much that they never have to end up fantasizing about non-mehrum women. I heard some of our marjas are at such level that they don't even recognize the face of any women apart from their own relatives. 

Of course Allah forgives our sins, but at least one should be aware of what is right and what is highly disliked.

Edited by Azadar-e-Ali
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May Allah guide us all and give us patience...my dear brother I shall say day dreaming is healthy but not when it takes up a lot of your time and best thing is to avoid over day dreaming you should make mind busy with dikhar of Dario’s shareef and also listen to lectures...this wil help you...salam

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Posted (edited)
On 5/8/2021 at 8:16 AM, Ya Mahdi1999 said:

perhaps I may never find true love.

You should actually think that Allah will most surely, definitely give you true love. If you think like this and pray, then this is what will actually happen.... because what happens to us is dependent on what hope we have in Allah. 

But if someone really starts thinking that he will never find true love, then he may actually never find it only because of this negative thinking. Bottom line: Always have the best hope, no matter how extremely difficult the situation may be. 

Edited by Azadar-e-Ali
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7 hours ago, Azadar-e-Ali said:

 

There is a Hadith on the lines that if a man is having intimacy with his wife and during this he fantasizes another woman, then he has done a grave sin (something like that). This means we are responsible for our thoughts. Likewise, if a man is unmarried and he imagines being intimate with a woman, can we say that this is a good thing and completely natural and a blessing ? 

Really, I don't think so. Men (both married and unmarried) should distance themselves from women to such a level that they don't even hear their voices.

Imam Ali (عليه السلام) avoided talking to young women for this reason because he feared that their voice will ignite wrong sensations in him. I think following in his footsteps, men have to stay away from women, or atleast lower their gaze so much that they never have to end up fantasizing about non-mehrum women. I heard some of our marjas are at such level that they don't even recognize the face of any women apart from their own relatives. 

Of course Allah forgives our sins, but at least one should be aware of what is right and what is highly disliked.

there is a difference between having a high sex drive and fantasizing about women. One you cannot controll (atleast not completely) in the sense that it will always be there to some degree unless you are to be castrated or something. However if you are with a wife or woman then you can satisfy your sex drive and then it doesnt make sense at all as to why you would want another woman unless your wife doesnt wanna have intimacy. So i can see why that would be a sin.

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Posted (edited)
On 5/8/2021 at 8:46 AM, Ya Mahdi1999 said:

Salam, 

Is there a possible way to stop fantasising about being in a relationship with a female

Wassalam,

Take a stroll in your nearby supermarket some time, and observe the couples over there, ya akhi. Insha'Allah, that will suffice.

(PS: For purely legal, ethical and political reasons, this is a joke, and this postscript is to keep my standing within the SC community).

 

Edited by AbdusSibtayn
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On 5/8/2021 at 7:11 PM, Ya Mahdi1999 said:

I've been frequently going to the masjid lately but I feel like an outcast.....

Don't. Just don't. This is a trick of Shaytan al-La'een ar-Rajeem to wean you away from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Don't give in to his whispers, brother. There's not a single sin that is greater than the mercy of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Do Tawassul of Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام), ask for His forgiveness by their right. Insha'Allah, He'll pardon all your slips and lapses.

Easier said than done, but seriously consider marriage. Talk to the concerned people once.

Build your spirituality. Begin with some easy Amaal and nawafil prayers. Imām Khumayni (qas)'s "40 Hadiths" is an excellent starter for a spiritual journey. I am by no means claiming to be a spiritually awakened person myself, but trust this faqīr brother of yours- once you have tasted the sweetness of that fruit, every other delicacy will taste bland, even the most savoury ones.

Bihaqqi Muhammadin (S) wa Aal Muhammad (عليه السلام), may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) ease your difficulties!!

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Where is @hasanhhwhen we need him the most?

Socrates of ShiaChat, your services are urgently required!

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Wa alaikum salam, 

listen to Patrice O’Neal (rahimahullah) on YouTube look up the black Phillip show. You will learn relationships suck lol 

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22 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

Where is @hasanhhwhen we need him the most?

Socrates of ShiaChat, your services are urgently required!

 

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I think these obsessive thoughts are not too big of a deal brother. You spend time thinking about your future wife, other men spend time thinking about how many women they can get to sleep with them. Better these thoughts about marriage rather than other haram thoughts. But ofcourse it should not impede your life. 

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