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In the Name of God بسم الله

How do you raise righteous children?

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Salaam, I have a question regarding parenting. I'm very young but I often take mental notes for myself on what parenting techniques are good and bad, so I can use them in the future. 

I grew up in an Islamic environment, raised by religious parents that taught me correctly. I also attended Islamic sunday school for many years, and I know that the students around me were also raised well by religious parents, taught the exact same things I was taught. However, I see now that many of them have fallen into various major sins as they entered the teenage years. Even after proper moral upbringing and religious education at Islamic school, they still fell into those sins. How can I prevent my future children from falling into those sins? 

If the young people around me commit major sins even after attending Islamic school and being raised by religious parents who seem to have done everything right, what else can a parent do? I would like to know for my own kids in the future. 

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For example, should teenage children be allowed to keep friends of the opposite gender? I feel that this could be a gateway to adultery as the child will then become more comfortable joking casually etc. But if the answer to the question is no, then won't this inhibit the child's ability to have a normal interaction with the opposite gender when it comes time to find a spouse? 

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Guest Psychological Warfare

No one will tell you the real truth. As most are afraid, have inferiority complex and image issue(s). 

Now I will get attacked for been backward, caveman not with reality or current theme. I really don't care, attack and i will answer ...

Follow the Natural law(s). Keep the -ve or +ve (Attract )separate or you can't undo natural laws. Nature induced certain desires and you can't stop them.

Things have to be managed. Desires have to be managed. 

Now this nonsense about they can't interact with the opposite side and will fail in life. Sorry, liberal nonsense. Tell me how many of these who are free to mingle - are very successful in finding the spouse? any girl will talk to you, don't mean you become an expert in interaction. If you do even find a spouse, most 5 years and split/divorce. Because they hunt with the wrong equipment. 

Nature is not backward, its the fact/Truth. Denying it mean loss. We are at a loss in this world, in the current state. Because we assumed the liberal/Academic Social Theories are the New Revelations- They were what was ordered by the one in power. They wanted a certain type of society they funded these research, promoted it through academic route. All you got was 'What was Fed" to the public thru schools/universities/ media (newspaper/Tv/Movie/Internet)....

They resurrected Darwin, Freud and Fed the eager public what they craved. Shayteen, only offer suggestions, You act because its what you craved. They are masters at finding out what you crave and will deliver the mean- Make it look normal or legitimate 

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Posted (edited)

Here's a list I quickly came up with:

First, one must have his own religious and spiritual affairs in order, and one must have real and true knowledge of the deen.

Second, one must choose their spouse carefully. Taqwa and akhlaq would be the two most important factors to consider. 

Third, working together with their spouse, the household should made into a "jannah". Akhlaq should be top priortiy. The house should be a place of love and serenity. Love of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), for Islam, for the Prophet (s), for his Ahl al Bayt (a), and mutual love and gentleness between the couple, should be flowing through the roof. Once again, the parents should always display beautiful akhlaq, strong love towards Allah and Islam, and towards each other. 

Fourth, the family should be involved, even if it is as simple attendees or members, in some shia community centre. The family should frequent the centre: on maybe Thursday nights, jummahs, birthdays of the masooms, shahadath days, the month of Ramadhan, etc. 

  • The child should be attending the shia centre since infantry, they should grow up crawling arouond in the centre. The centre should also be a good one, which has good programs, especially those which cater to the youth. Not just progrrams for the elderly. 
  • In this step, love of the Ahl al Bayth should always be an important thing to practice and discuss. Strong love of the Ahl al Bayth should be instilled in the heart of the child. Maybe the child's bed time stories should be about the ahl al bayth (a). Basically, what must be done must be done, to instill this great love towards the Ahl al bayth in the heart of the child. I think a lot of it comes from attending Shia Centres, madrahasah, community events, etc.  Personally I don't consider myself anywhere high up, but wherever I am, I feel I still have myself ultimately anchored to the deen, and many of my fellow young adults who I saw since childhood attending the shia centre which I attended, alhudolillah, those guys are all still anchored. Alhumdolillah I am thankful I got to attend the centre, and the specific one I attended. I think being attached to a centre/shia-community while growing plays a big role. Of course many of our centres have their issues, but as much as we might wanna hate on them, in the end I have to say, it's the effects of their often simple-looking program, accumulated over years, which have prevented people like myself from going astray.
  • It's also very important, for the child, since being a toddler, to be regularly attending in Muharram mourning programs. 

Fifth, the child, from a young age, should be given religious education from a trustworthy and qualified source. Maybe yourself. The child's deen should be strengthed through knowledge and rationality. They should be taught in a loving and pleasant way, about the all the usool e din and the reasonings/logic behind them. And of course, the furu e din too. They shouold encouraged to practice the furu a din since much before buloogh. Of course, they shouldn't be overwhelmed. 

Sixth, the child should be given the opportunity to develop themselves, enjoy, and excel in other areas of life as well: school, socially, health/sports, recreation, etc. Also, the child shuold be given the opportunity to spend majority of their social time with people who are good, upright in character, religious, strong believers, etc. 

Seventh, force (disicipline is important but undue force is not good), ugly-character, hypocrisy, and other such vices should not be displayed in the house. Of course no one is perfect, but the best effort should be made to not manifest these vices before the child, as parents. 

Edited by AStruggler
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35 minutes ago, Guest Psychological Warfare said:

No one will tell you the real truth. As most are afraid, have inferiority complex and image issue(s). 

Now I will get attacked for been backward, caveman not with reality or current theme. I really don't care, attack and i will answer ...

Follow the Natural law(s). Keep the -ve or +ve (Attract )separate or you can't undo natural laws. Nature induced certain desires and you can't stop them.

Things have to be managed. Desires have to be managed. 

Now this nonsense about they can't interact with the opposite side and will fail in life. Sorry, liberal nonsense. Tell me how many of these who are free to mingle - are very successful in finding the spouse? any girl will talk to you, don't mean you become an expert in interaction. If you do even find a spouse, most 5 years and split/divorce. Because they hunt with the wrong equipment. 

Nature is not backward, its the fact/Truth. Denying it mean loss. We are at a loss in this world, in the current state. Because we assumed the liberal/Academic Social Theories are the New Revelations- They were what was ordered by the one in power. They wanted a certain type of society they funded these research, promoted it through academic route. All you got was 'What was Fed" to the public thru schools/universities/ media (newspaper/Tv/Movie/Internet)....

They resurrected Darwin, Freud and Fed the eager public what they craved. Shayteen, only offer suggestions, You act because its what you craved. They are masters at finding out what you crave and will deliver the mean- Make it look normal or legitimate 

 

What are you on about, respectfully?

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2 hours ago, Uni Student said:

Salaam, I have a question regarding parenting. I'm very young but I often take mental notes for myself on what parenting techniques are good and bad, so I can use them in the future. 

I grew up in an Islamic environment, raised by religious parents that taught me correctly. I also attended Islamic sunday school for many years, and I know that the students around me were also raised well by religious parents, taught the exact same things I was taught. However, I see now that many of them have fallen into various major sins as they entered the teenage years. Even after proper moral upbringing and religious education at Islamic school, they still fell into those sins. How can I prevent my future children from falling into those sins? 

If the young people around me commit major sins even after attending Islamic school and being raised by religious parents who seem to have done everything right, what else can a parent do? I would like to know for my own kids in the future. 

Adopt techniques that help a child become disciplined and a man of principles. This is the first and most important thing. 

They should have a curriculum. They should have a habit of planning there activities.

If they do so, there life will become organized and it would be an organized growth. Now, keep on adding religion slowly to there disciplined life. This way, there mind will be organized and they will commit very less sins as there mind won't get any time to think the wrong way.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Uni Student said:

What are you on about, respectfully?

You mean I did not sugarcoat anything, was direct. Yes, the corporate and Academic ways have failed us, I am very aware of these ways and choose no to use . You see there - No one has a vested interest in you. It's for their profit or benefit so people are hypocrites and who cares just work together to get the job done. Real life its different. 

What is it that you did not like, anyways.  Articulate and things may become clearer . 

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1 hour ago, Guest Psychological Warfare said:

You mean I did not sugarcoat anything, was direct. Yes, the corporate and Academic ways have failed us, I am very aware of these ways and choose no to use . You see there - No one has a vested interest in you. It's for their profit or benefit so people are hypocrites and who cares just work together to get the job done. Real life its different. 

What is it that you did not like, anyways.  Articulate and things may become clearer . 

I have absolutely no idea what you are trying to say

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Guest Psychological Warfare
15 minutes ago, Uni Student said:

I have absolutely no idea what you are trying to say

you wrote

Quote

For example, should teenage children be allowed to keep friends of the opposite gender? I feel that this could be a gateway to adultery as the child will then become more comfortable joking casually etc. But if the answer to the question is no, then won't this inhibit the child's ability to have a normal interaction with the opposite gender when it comes time to find a spouse? 

Now read my post. 

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Guest Psychological Warfare
Quote

 I also attended Islamic sunday school for many years, and I know that the students around me were also raised well by religious parents, taught the exact same things I was taught. However, I see now that many of them have fallen into various major sins as they entered the teenage years. Even after proper moral upbringing and religious education at Islamic school, they still fell into those sins. How can I prevent my future children from falling into those sins? 

When you say"Religious Parents" or "Religious Education" if you Only mean the Religious Acts, like Prayer, Reading the Qur'an , Fasting ...I say this because to some Religion is just the daily prayer, fasting reading Qur'an ....  If the kids are just told to do these things. They will do till they reach the age of "WHY".  

Also Saturday/Sunday Islamic School is Not the Complete answer to the issue. Imagine you spend 10% of the time on one subject/environment and 90% on the other subject/environment. The result will reflect the time sent on each subject/environment. 

It is not possible for all in the west, but if people can they need to find an Full Time Accredited School ( pre-K to 12 grade). If possible, move close to an Islamic center/Islamic School. Two months and 8/9 days of Muharram events/lecture, One Month of Ramadhan lectures, Birth celebrations, Martyrdom commemorations, Eids and Shia Eids,          52 weeks of Friday Prayer/ Thursday Evening Program...

Community is important. If the kids go to the Islamic center and interact and play with other kids it will help.

Now they will not miss out or be not up to speed on other things or interaction with others as they will also spend time on TV, Internet and other people in the community. So there is no danger of alienation here. 

In the end, you still can't guarantee the outcome, "Some" still may end up lost. However, there is a chance that they will return home after their short trip to the dark side. As they have seen both worlds by now. 

Kids who are public wards in state sponsored free schools don't have that exposure , they only know one environment they spent most of their time in , and the saturday/sunday school was just side thing to teach them some rituals. They don't understand the purpose of these lengthy time consuming rituals in the fast world they are used to. 

For example Morning prayer. You need to get up, wash up and pray. Why ? Answer. It is Obligatory ( True) is not sufficient for them. You also need to explain to them, look you get up in the morning, usually its the most depressing time of the day. I am up, now what? what should I do, how do I prepare for the day out in the public, what to wear, what activities to be involved in, peer pressure - there is a lot of Stress /worry/concern of all sort. Best thing to do is to wake up and remember who you are and why you are here, Connecting to the Origin and having clarity is important. You have a meeting with your Creator/Sustainer  and things fall in to their proper place and you achieve proper perspective of life and the day ahead of you.  So, either get up with stress/worry/anxiety or get up with a purpose and clarity. 

They need to understand why they need to do what they need to do, otherwise there are many telling them why you people waist time in rituals and are not spending time in productive activities so they question and become victim of this psychological warfare. 

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Posted (edited)

Salaam, 

This may be helpful, and most definitely important info to consider...a positive outcome for the child can be given a greater chance if certain  measures are precautions  are put in place pre birth.

 

Edited by PureExistence1
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I heard this tip:

I forgot the names but a woman was asked how her son is so amazing. She said she never breastfed him unless she was in wudhu, but she forgot one single time. I think this person's brother was also an Imam or something like that.

I have also heard of a man in joyous rapture as his dad was being executed. It turned out that his wetnurse was a nasibi.

So I would watch out for that. Also If your wife doesn't feel like doing this every time then she could do wudhu, then maybe you could use a breast-pump machine to store wudhu milk for the baby.

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15 minutes ago, guest 2025 said:

a woman was asked how her son is so amazing. She said she never breastfed him unless she was in wudhu, but she forgot one single time. I think this person's brother was also an Imam or something like

Sayed Razi, the compiler of Nahjul Balagha.

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Wa alaikum as salam

Good question brother. I think @AStruggler has made some very important points.

Leading by example is essential. Also remember that the objective is for your children to worship for the sake of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and not to please you or to fulfill public images or expectations. 

As a parent your aim should be to give them the support and encouragement to discover islam and understand it, rather than for them to simply do what pleases you. 

 

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Guest Psychological Warfare

I will summarize what was said by others in a word.

Say Ya Ali.

Teach them, do not argue/complain why we mention the "Name" in Majlis/lectures and tell stories of bravery, loyalty, valor, obedience....Our majlis/lectures  are for these young ones. They need role a model. And we have been blessed. Karbala teaches them lessons which no amount of teaching can compete with. Let them free make them Azadar. 

Don't worry about ghawlu/gulat/shrik stuff- it is a distraction. 

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10 hours ago, Guest Psychological Warfare said:

Don't worry about ghawlu/gulat/shrik stuff- it is a distraction. 

Don't worry about ghuluw and shirk? I cannot think of a statement that could be further away from our religion than this one. It goes completely against everything the Qur'an and the Ahlulbayt have taught. 

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Guest Psychological Warfare
اهْدِنَا الصِّرَاطَ الْمُسْتَقِيمَ {6}

[Shakir 1:6] Keep us on the right path.

صِرَاطَ الَّذِينَ أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيْهِمْ غَيْرِ الْمَغْضُوبِ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا الضَّالِّينَ {7}

[Shakir 1:7] The path of those upon whom Thou hast bestowed favors. Not (the path) of those upon whom Thy wrath is brought down, nor of those who go astray.

-----

All are Obligatory Acts are just Physical exercise. Expect when we understand internalize what we say/do. 

Say Ya Ali(عليه السلام).  Every moment of your life. and teach your family the same. We can't role model The God. He(عزّ وجلّ) gave us role models to follow and others to avoid. 

If the kids do not know who to follow and who to avoid. You can't blame them. 

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Posted (edited)

Salaaam

Heres part 3 and 4. I really hope future parents take a look at these videos, because the sheikh is talking about the spiritual side of our behaviors and of islam.

All the do's and don'ts in Islam are there because of the affect that action will have on our soul. Islam is all about the soul, but too many people get caught up in just the jurisprudence and they never look underneath that layer to see what the jurisprudence is based on or what its purpose is.

It's based on the health of the soul. You're either building your soul by doing mustahab and halal acts, or you're causing some damage to it with makhruh or alot of damage with haraam actions.

The things the sheikh is talking about in this video have to do with actions that parents take preconception and throughout the child's life, from pre-birth until 21 years old.

Things parents do can either set the child up for a greater likelihood of spiritual success, or set them up for a higher likelihood of spiritual downfall.

So we have two important subject matters here. One, is actions and things the parents do that go back as far as preconception that will either be good for this child or bad depending on what the actions are. The second important subject is raising children with an education about the religion itself, being extremely careful not to leave out the spiritual dimension of it. I think it was Ayatollah jawadi Amoli who said Islam without the spirit of it is like a lifeless corpse, so that quote alone should key people in on the spiritual aspect of islam and how important it is to not leave it out.

While a lot of the religion is about the outer aspect of it, a child who doesn't  also understand the inner dimension of why we do what we do and why the rules we have are what they are have a higher liklihood of leaving islam or not taking it truly seriously, so to leave out the spiritual aspect of it but still expect them to accept and follow islam whole heartedly, with sincere understanding and heartfelt adherence is unrealistic...many of them will start having problems later if they don't understand the spiritual ramifications of their actions..

For our children's well-being, we cannot Rob them of understanding the spiritual dimension of the religion.  For children raised in western countries, when we leave the spirit of islam out, whats left is basically a lifestyle choice. Why would they want to live a lifestyle full of a bunch of rules that they have no idea why they're following these rules, when they can just live a very easy and fun and attractive Western lifestyle.. But if they understand the spiritual ramifications of why we have the Islamic lifestyle, it's much less likely they will choose a western lifestyle..

 

Edited by PureExistence1
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