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In the Name of God بسم الله

How to Deal with Transgender Thoughts

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اللاسم عليكم

I am a 26 year old who has been struggling with the desire to be a woman since my earliest memories at 5 or 6. I used to pray to Allah every night to make me a girl or a mother or that I would be celibate and never sin if He made me a woman. Puberty was very difficult for me and I developed OCD and anxiety during it. I started developing a very masculine body with lots of hair so I started to hate my body and myself. In university it got so bad that I developed very severe suicidal depression and had to take leave for a few semesters because of my mental state.

I have been on antidepressants since and tried to repress my thoughts for years since then. But now things are getting much worse. My hatred of my male body and desire to be a woman and a mother--my "dysphoria--has exacerbated severely. I constantly think of transitioning and starting the process of medical intervention to look more feminine but this will ruin my life.

I don't know who to talk to about this. I tried speaking to my father about it but just approaching the topic I could already see some worry and disappointment in his eyes so I lied about the issue to remove his fears. I asked my parents to help find a therapist but they refused and my health insurance does not allow me to see one. I also know they will just say I am a transgender and should transition. I tried speaking to people online but all say just to try transitioning to see how it feels but these are all non-Muslims who don't understand my life or my cultural duty to my parents as the first-born son. Some even say that I should resent my parents and hate them for not being able to accept me as a transgender if I were to become one.

I just want a family and to be normal. I want these thoughts gone. I don't want to ruin my life by transitioning and living a life distant from my parents and the Islamic community. I already have no friends or family in real life I can talk to and I definitely don't want my community to become transgenders. 

My parents have started the process of finding me a wife right now and that is also hurting me. Because I have desired to be a wife and a mother. And I am worried that in later life these thoughts will get worse and worse that it will ruin my marriage.

Please I need help. I don't know who to talk to. I wish I could be a normal man without these thoughts.

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Salam

Don't get married while this is unresolved. My first husband had this same problem. Many years after we were divorced they had gender reassignment surgery, and very quickly came to regret it but it is irreversible.

Even if you were to get gender reassignment surgery, you would not be able to bear children. Why do you think being a mother is preferable to being a father? Probably as long as you are suffering this identity crisis you should be neither, but a good father can do all that a good mother can do, except pregnancy and nursing, which a transwoman can't do either. 

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I am a 26 year old who has been struggling with the desire to be a woman since my earliest memories at 5 or 6.

If your were raised by robots or in a jungle by chimps or in an isolation (where you are just provided daily necessities through a door - no contact with other humans) would you still have these thoughts? 

No. 

The exposure to a Man and a Women. Is the key- and the experience you had or the image you had of one of them imprinted on you mind and you started to be that person. You had no idea of physical nature you were just attracted to the thing of your desire- meaning that person you loved. So, you wanted to be that person and the act of carrying or bearing a child - These are just attachments that were left unchecked . Or the other person you did not want to be because of some bad image of that person. 

Anyways a that age you were not thinking based on gender you were thinking purely from your liking perspective. This liking had nothing to do with your gene or some preexisting condition. 

Nature intended something, you want to reverse it with your mind. You will start feeling the effects. 

 

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2 hours ago, notme said:

Salam

Don't get married while this is unresolved. My first husband had this same problem. Many years after we were divorced they had gender reassignment surgery, and very quickly came to regret it but it is irreversible.

Even if you were to get gender reassignment surgery, you would not be able to bear children. Why do you think being a mother is preferable to being a father? Probably as long as you are suffering this identity crisis you should be neither, but a good father can do all that a good mother can do, except pregnancy and nursing, which a transwoman can't do either. 

I have read and seen multiple videos on "trans widows" so I understand your pain and feel sorry but this doesn't help me at all. I am scared the same thing is going to happen to me. That I'll keep repressing and one day I'm going to be filled with the overwhelming desire to transition. I don't want that.

I have thought that I can be a motherly type father who is devoted to their children and nurturing in that way but my irrational mind still wants me to be a woman. The maternal role is sacred in Islam and I always felt closer to my mother so that's possibly where that arose. 

But my transgender thoughts and "dysphoria" are beyond just a liking of the maternal role. It's a terrible hatred and discomfort with my masculine body--with my body hair, my skeleton, my privates. I have prayed to Allah to relieve me of these thoughts but they continue. It's like the whispering of Shaytan in my ear constantly. I don't know what to do.

And I have been alone for years. You are telling me to resolve these thoughts on my own which I have been trying to do without any avail and without giving a solution. It just makes me hopeless.

44 minutes ago, Guest Psychological Warfare said:

If your were raised by robots or in a jungle by chimps or in an isolation (where you are just provided daily necessities through a door - no contact with other humans) would you still have these thoughts? 

No. 

The exposure to a Man and a Women. Is the key- and the experience you had or the image you had of one of them imprinted on you mind and you started to be that person. You had no idea of physical nature you were just attracted to the thing of your desire- meaning that person you loved. So, you wanted to be that person and the act of carrying or bearing a child - These are just attachments that were left unchecked . Or the other person you did not want to be because of some bad image of that person. 

Anyways a that age you were not thinking based on gender you were thinking purely from your liking perspective. This liking had nothing to do with your gene or some preexisting condition. 

Nature intended something, you want to reverse it with your mind. You will start feeling the effects. 

 

Sometimes I think that transgender thoughts are like a parasitic social contagion worm that enters into your mind and ruins everything. Of course as a 5 year old I didn't know about transgenders but when I learned about them from the news at around 10 that's when things started to get worse, which then became accentuated by puberty and later life.

Also apparently I have been told by my parents that the doctors were confused whether I was male or female on ultrasound so sometimes I worry if I am intersex (DSD) and if that is the case and I cannot have children it would be devastating to me. I pray it isn't ان شاء الله but if it was I don't know if I could handle it.

So what are you saying is the solution? I don't know how to remove these thoughts from my head of me desiring to be a woman, of me hating my male form, of me wishing to be a mother and wife, of me disgusted with who I am. That's why I'm seeking help.

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Posted (edited)

@OP:

- You can never be a mother. The surgery will only take away your natural gender's ability to procreate, and it will worsen your health.

- You have to negotiate with yourself. Your goal is to have children, and for that there is a way, which you dislike, but its the only way. Be patient and you can have children and play with them, raise them, love them, be with them. That is a very noble wish and greater than the means, you have to tell yourself. You should know that a father's role is in no way lesser than a mother's, nor is his love for children inferior. Its a fact you will realize inshallah when you become one.

- Imam Ali (عليه السلام) said: "In order to take control of your self you have to at first negotiate with your nafs ((that inner animalistic self which is like a untamed horse)). You start negotiation by accepting a few of its wishes (which are halal) and in return have its cooperation (a trade deal)". Overtime you will learn the buttons and will have it tamed like a horse and it will become obedient.

- Don't feel bashful to see a medical professional. There is no shame in that. Talk your heart out with them and they WILL make things so much easier for you to iron out the kinks.

- Entering conflicts with loved ones is devastating for mental well being. Be zen. Calm yourself. Tell yourself that patience and tolerance is necessary to learn in order to achieve your goal. Conflicts and negative emotions like fear and anger never solve anything.

May Allah have mercy and help you always.

Edited by The Green Knight
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2 minutes ago, The Green Knight said:

@OP:

- You can never be a mother. The surgery will only take away your natural gender's ability to procreate, and it will worsen your health.

- You have to negotiate with yourself. Your goal is to have children, and for that there is a way, which you dislike, but its the only way. Be patient and you can have children and play with them, raise them, love them, be with them. That is a very noble wish and greater than the means, you have to tell yourself.

- Imam Ali (عليه السلام) said: "In order to take control of your self you have to at first negotiate with your nafs ((that inner animalistic self which is like a untamed horse)). You start negotiation by accepting a few of its wishes (which are halal) and in return have its cooperation (a trade deal)". Overtime you will learn the buttons and will have it tamed like a horse and it will become obedient.

- Don't feel bashful to see a medical professional. There is no shame in that. Talk your heart out with them and they WILL make things so much easier for you to iron out the kinks.

- Entering conflicts with loved ones is devastating for mental well being. Be zen. Calm yourself. Tell yourself that patience and tolerance is necessary to learn in order to achieve your goal. Conflicts and negative emotions like fear and anger never solve anything.

May Allah have mercy and help you always.

1) I know I can never be a mother. It's an irrational delusional wish from my childhood.

2) I do try telling myself this but I am worried that things will get worse down the line and I become what's known as a "boomerhon" that transitions in 40s or 50s or after kids go to university ruining the life of the wife. I don't want that to happen so I need a way to remove these thoughts.

3) Thank you for the hadith. The A'immah had so much knowledge. My love for Ahl al-Bayt ع is the only reason I don't kill myself or want to indulge or succumb to these thoughts. 

But what of my desires is halal? I can't wear feminine clothing. I can't shave my beard. I have heard different things on shaving body hair whether makruh or halal or haram not sure. The only thing I have done is some vocal feminizing training which allows me to speak in a more feminine sounding voice but I only do that when I'm alone. 

4) I live in the US. Medical professionals will tell me to transition and that I'm a transgender.

5) I am not in conflict with my parents. I love them dearly. I know what transitioning would do to them and how it would break their hearts. I don't want to do that to them.

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Wa alaikum as salam

I think the important thing to realize is that while you may not be able to have what exactly you want, as a husband and as a father you can still fulfill several important roles and responsibilities. 

Caring for your child and your partner, supporting them and loving them is not restricted by gender. 

Perhaps you need to try and look at the potential that is available to you as a male in order to overcome this struggle.

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55 minutes ago, rocephin said:

 

Sometimes I think that transgender thoughts are like a parasitic social contagion worm that enters into your mind and ruins everything. Of course as a 5 year old I didn't know about transgenders but when I learned about them from the news at around 10 that's when things started to get worse, which then became accentuated by puberty and later life.

 

Software always in tune with the hardware. Follow the manufactures instructions. Not the society. what is the thing these days. 

Regarding desires. One a week would be 52 in one year, but limited to 4. (If you know what i mean).Need t control the DESIRES> 

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Just now, Mahdavist said:

Wa alaikum as salam

I think the important thing to realize is that while you may not be able to have what exactly you want, as a husband and as a father you can still fulfill several important roles and responsibilities. 

Caring for your child and your partner, supporting them and loving them is not restricted by gender. 

Perhaps you need to try and look at the potential that is available to you as a male in order to overcome this struggle.

I do try to imagine this. I think about being a good loving and nurturing father. But I still have hatred of my masculine body and disgust of my privates and bodily functions. My brain still thinks "being a woman would be much better" and I can't remove these thoughts of wanting to transition.

I also worry as I said before about what happened to @notme. The cases of causing a trans widow and ruining the family dynamic because I repress the thoughts for so long and then I inevitably "troon out" and cause my wife and children great distress.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to remove these thoughts. I try prayer, I try reading Qur'an, I try talking antidepressants, I tried removing myself from all contact with transgender stuff online which failed, I tried talking to my parents which failed, I tried talking with transgenders and detransitioners (former transgenders) but all of them say to transition based on what I told them.

I can't afford a therapist because of my insurance.

I don't know any Shia people in real life other than my parents because I'm isolated now because of schooling. I don't have a Shia masjid to go to talk to some scholar.

And once I did one of them told me Sayyid Khomeini allowed transgenders so I could do it too.

So that's why I'm here to see if anyone has any solutions for me. 

I don't want to ruin my life over this. I don't want to become a freak. I need help.

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Posted (edited)

Salamu Alaikum. I think there are pills that makes such feelings go away. But I hear you have to keep taking them, it's a treatment not a cure. I forgot what this medicine was called so you'd have to find them on your own.

Also have you deeply questioned why you have these feelings, and what they are in the first place? Do you feel frustrated because you feel like you're betraying your "true identity?" For your reference, as a person who doesn't have the same thoughts as you, I wouldn't care as much if I woke up tomorrow as the opposite sex with my same brain. I would of course be extremely upset, but it would not bother me in the same way as you because I would still have what defines me: My character, beliefs, personality, inclinations, ambitions. I would still be able to have the impact on this earth that I desire. I just happen to be a man, it's not a defining part of my identity. I'm telling you this so you could compare a "normal" person's feelings towards their sex to yours, so you could more accurately pinpoint what it is exactly you want and why.

Also I don't think you should write off therapists, it could be a long-term goal for you to see one. One that you know will actually help you from your research. If you knew the how then maybe you could get better. 

For now, in addition to taking the advice of the above: Do not throw coal into the fire by appeasing these feelings in any way. Don't talk in a feminine voice even when alone, avoid any transgender figures you may follow on the internet, ESPECIALLY don't fantasize about it in your head. The feelings will probably always be there, but they can starve and be weakened.

Allah does not burden a soul more than what it can bear. The fact that you're like this means you have the key within you to solve or endure this problem. 

Edited by guest 2025
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2 minutes ago, guest 2025 said:

Salamu Alaikum. I think there are pills that makes such feelings go away. But I hear you have to keep taking them, it's a treatment not a cure. I forgot what this medicine was called so you'd have to find them on your own.

Also have you deeply questioned why you have these feelings, and what they are in the first place? Do you feel frustrated because you feel like you're betraying your "true identity?" For your reference, as a person who doesn't have the same thoughts as you, I wouldn't care as much if I woke up tomorrow as the opposite sex with my same brain. I would of course be extremely upset, but it would not bother me in the same way as you because I would still have what defines me: My character, beliefs, personality, inclinations, ambitions. I would still be able to have the impact on this earth that I desire. I just happen to be a man, it's not a defining part of my identity. I'm telling you this so you could compare a "normal" person's feelings towards their sex to yours, so you could more accurately pinpoint what it is exactly you want and why.

Also I don't think you should write off therapists, it could be a long-term goal for you to see one. One that you know will actually help you from your research. If you knew the how then maybe you could get better. 

For now, in addition to taking the advice of the above: Do not throw coal into the fire by appeasing these feelings in any way. Don't talk in a feminine voice even when alone, avoid any transgender figures you may follow on the internet, ESPECIALLY don't fantasize about it in your head. The feelings will probably always be there, but they can starve and be weakened.

Allah does not burden a soul more than what it can bear. The fact that you're like this means you have the key within you to solve or endure this problem. 

وعليكم السلام
1) Please if you can find the name of it I need it. Anything to make these thoughts go away. I've only read pimozide is effective in some cases of secondary transsexualism caused by schizophrenia but I am not schizophrenic.

2) I have deeply questioned it. I have looked at scientific research papers, read the works of sexologists like Blanchard, Avitale, and Anne Lawrence, talked to an Islamic scholar, talked to transgenders, read works of psychiatry and psychoanalysis and psychology, read the history of transgenders, read any hadith I could related to it like on the mukhannatun, read the works of Islamic scholars like Sayyid Khomeini on transgenders. 

Most of them say I fit the criteria for gender identity disorder/dysphoria and my only treatment is transitioning with cross-sex hormones and then eventual social transition and surgical transition if need be.

I try to think if my parents beating me as a child or me being grinded upon by an older classmate in a geometry class (I skipped grades in math) caused this like Blanchard talks about the emasculation trauma but my thoughts arose before then. It's possible these exacerbated them though. I have forgiven my parents and don't hold any grudges at all. 

It may be the case for you that waking up tomorrow in the opposite sex wouldn't be a difficult thing but imagine being called effeminate things all the time and being called she/her and such. The men who don't have these thoughts feel uncomfortable by it. I feel satisfied and close to it. I feel uncomfortable with my male body and being referred to and perceived as masculine and such.

3) I have asked my parents to help find me a therapist and they refuse to. I don't have my own money right now and my terrible insurance cannot work where I am right now. I don't know what to do in that regard. All the psychologists I've spoken to via free consultation just say go to a gender clinic and get started on hrt.

4) I don't understand. The hadith of Imam Ali ع says to engage in what is halal from my nafs and you are saying the opposite. I have tried doing all those things before anyway. I tried removing all my contact with transgender things and not speak in a feminine voice but the thoughts still rage in my head and the self-hatred and disgust do as well. I have tried this approach for years but it has only made things worse.

5) ان شاء الله Allah relieves me of this burden because I can't handle it anymore. I attempted suicide once and I feel like these things are building up to that again.

I don't know what to do.

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7 hours ago, rocephin said:

But I still have hatred of my masculine body and disgust of my privates and bodily functions. 

You need to analyze the source of these feelings. Don't answer here unless you feel like discussing it, but did you experience or witness abuse or neglect as a young child, which would cause you to hate your identification as a male? Coming to terms with events that were outside your control as a young child might help you understand and begin to control your dysphoria.

This is something you would discuss with a therapist. Hypnosis helps to reveal repressed memories for some people, but be cautious - not all therapists practicing hypnosis are ethical. 

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1 minute ago, notme said:

You need to analyze the source of these feelings. Don't answer here unless you feel like discussing it, but did you experience or witness abuse or neglect as a young child, which would cause you to hate your identification as a male? Coming to terms with events that were outside your control as a young child might help you understand and begin to control your dysphoria.

This is something you would discuss with a therapist. Hypnosis helps to reveal repressed memories for some people, but be cautions - not all therapists practicing hypnosis are ethical. 

Like I said before I did have some experiences of what Blanchard would call emasculation trauma such as being beaten by parents and being grinded upon as a child. I also saw the Abu Ghraib pictures as a child and that was traumatic for me to see that dehumanization.

And also I can't see a therapist right now. It would have to wait until I finish schooling and get good enough insurance to see someone. How would I find a therapist who won't just tell me to transition and try to feminize me? Because it seems the psychological model is now going towards radical acceptance and informed consent of gender identity.

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Have you had a DNA test? If you are genuinely hermaphrodite, transitioning medically to the correct gender would be the appropriate treatment. 

More likely, though, it seems you need to work through your trauma. Does your school have a counseling center? Also, there are free therapists out there if you can find them. If therapy is absolutely out of the question for now, I recommend writing or art as a way to work through the trauma. 

I strongly maintain that you should not get married as long as this is unresolved. If you must marry, tell your potential wife everything and allow her the option to back out honorably. Some people are strong enough to deal with a spouse's identity crisis, but most are not. 

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1 minute ago, notme said:

Have you had a DNA test? If you are genuinely hermaphrodite, transitioning medically to the correct gender would be the appropriate treatment. 

More likely, though, it seems you need to work through your trauma. Does your school have a counseling center? Also, there are free therapists out there if you can find them. If therapy is absolutely out of the question for now, I recommend writing or art as a way to work through the trauma. 

I strongly maintain that you should not get married as long as this is unresolved. If you must marry, tell your potential wife everything and allow her the option to back out honorably. Some people are strong enough to deal with a spouse's identity crisis, but most are not. 

1) My insurance is too terrible to seek out anything medically. I can only ask help from my parents financially who cannot handle this. I don't know if I am intersex or not but I have suspected it and so did my mother when I was young. Now however I am very masculine.

2) I am in medical school doing rotations offsite. There is no counseling center. Do you know any free therapists I can speak to online?

I have tried writing poetry before but it doesn't help. Ends up just being poems about depression or wishing for another life. I used to draw comics in high school of me as a woman doctor helping children in my homeland.

3) My parents are the ones who want me to get married. I think since I told my father a little bit about my problems he thinks the solution is for me to have a wife and kids so I can focus on that. 

I don't know how to tell someone in real life that I wish I was born a woman and my male body is a disgusting cage of flesh incarcerating my "female" soul. It sounds delusional and ridiculous.

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6 hours ago, rocephin said:

It may be the case for you that waking up tomorrow in the opposite sex wouldn't be a difficult thing

I didn't mean to say it wouldn't be difficult for me. I want to stress that it would bother me differently due to the different ways we perceive gender. To me, it's not what defines me, for you, it is. I'm not a man, I'm guest 2025. If I woke up as a woman I would still be guest 2025. I'm not saying this to try to reason you out of your condition, just giving you a reference of how "normal" people think. They don't feel about gender in the same way you do.

6 hours ago, rocephin said:

All the psychologists I've spoken to via free consultation just say go to a gender clinic and get started on hrt.

I would specifically seek out one that is willing to help. They do make themselves known on the internet. There are definitely therapists out there who have healthy scientific views of lgbt with a record of treating people.

6 hours ago, rocephin said:

I don't know what to do in that regard.

I'm saying make it a long-term goal. Maybe you can't get it now, but you shouldn't write it off or lose all hope in it. Maybe as you develop your career and are in a better place financially, you could do this.

6 hours ago, rocephin said:

I don't understand. The hadith of Imam Ali ع says to engage in what is halal from my nafs and you are saying the opposite. I have tried doing all those things before anyway. I tried removing all my contact with transgender things and not speak in a feminine voice but the thoughts still rage in my head and the self-hatred and disgust do as well. I have tried this approach for years but it has only made things worse.

These things don't come from a healthy/normal place, they come from the shaitan. Compare it to sexuality and celibacy. Even when monks abstain their sexuality rages, and it will never go away. And the fires that they feel of course would be hotter than a normal person, but that doesn't mean their hetrosexuality is getting "stronger", it's just thirstier. But according to those who abstain they say the urges come and go. When you abstain from all things trans didn't these feelings behave like waves? What you are experiencing is like the cravings we feel when we diet. Going back to eating unhealthy will make the cravings go away, but it's not a safe space to retreat to from the issue. Please think about why your previous attempt didn't work out, there must be a reason.

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@rocephin I think the important thing is that you have recognized what is bothering you, ie these thoughts that you are having. 

I think from your post that although you might think being a woman is better, you are also aware of the huge risks associated to gender change.

Therefore the safest approach would be to gradually learn to accept that you are a male and that this isn't a repulsive or negative thing. 

Try not to focus so much on your body, there is much more that defines you as a person.

Of course the thoughts wont go away overnight and I dont think pills will solve the issue. It's a question of mindset, and a slow but steady process of accepting yourself as you are and thanking God for the blessings He has given you (eyesight, health, a functioning brain, etc, things that sadly some people don't have).

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1 minute ago, Mahdavist said:

thanking God for the blessings He has given you (eyesight, health, a functioning brain, etc, things that sadly some people don't have).

I agree with this 100%, I wanted to tell him this but I don’t know why I didn’t. 
 

Brother even if u did the surgery, you won’t be 100% female so what’s the use? Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) made u a male for a reason, Be grateful and always remember this world is just a test. 

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34 minutes ago, guest 2025 said:

I didn't mean to say it wouldn't be difficult for me. I want to stress that it would bother me differently due to the different ways we perceive gender. To me, it's not what defines me, for you, it is. I'm not a man, I'm guest 2025. If I woke up as a woman I would still be guest 2025. I'm not saying this to try to reason you out of your condition, just giving you a reference of how "normal" people think. They don't feel about gender in the same way you do.

I would specifically seek out one that is willing to help. They do make themselves known on the internet. There are definitely therapists out there who have healthy scientific views of lgbt with a record of treating people.

I'm saying make it a long-term goal. Maybe you can't get it now, but you shouldn't write it off or lose all hope in it. Maybe as you develop your career and are in a better place financially, you could do this.

 

These things don't come from a healthy/normal place, they come from the shaitan. Compare it to sexuality and celibacy. Even when monks abstain their sexuality rages, and it will never go away. And the fires that they feel of course would be hotter than a normal person, but that doesn't mean their hetrosexuality is getting "stronger", it's just thirstier. But according to those who abstain they say the urges come and go. When you abstain from all things trans didn't these feelings behave like waves? What you are experiencing is like the cravings we feel when we diet. Going back to eating unhealthy will make the cravings go away, but it's not a safe space to retreat to from the issue. Please think about why your previous attempt didn't work out, there must be a reason.

1) Do you know of any therapists that could help? I have tried searching before but have not been able to find any.

2) Make what a long-term goal? I don't understand.

3) I understand this is whispers of Shaytan and my nafs. That this would ruin my life. When I abstain completely from things it helps for a few days but then the thoughts come back worse and worse until I end up going back to it and my dreams are filled with me as a woman and my body dysphoria gets worse.

7 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

@rocephin I think the important thing is that you have recognized what is bothering you, ie these thoughts that you are having. 

I think from your post that although you might think being a woman is better, you are also aware of the huge risks associated to gender change.

Therefore the safest approach would be to gradually learn to accept that you are a male and that this isn't a repulsive or negative thing. 

Try not to focus so much on your body, there is much more that defines you as a person.

Of course the thoughts wont go away overnight and I dont think pills will solve the issue. It's a question of mindset, and a slow but steady process of accepting yourself as you are and thanking God for the blessings He has given you (eyesight, health, a functioning brain, etc, things that sadly some people don't have).

I try accepting who I am and try to show what little gratefulness I can to Allah for what He has given me but it's so difficult when my brain is constantly thinking about how disgusting my chest hair is or how pronounced my supraorbital ridge is. It's a constant struggle and I feel like I'm losing. 

I would rather accept myself as a man who has some dysphoric thoughts rather than transition. I would rather be a good father and husband and a good doctor who can help poor Shia in my homeland and a good mu'min. But still I dream of being a woman, I think of my body's grotesqueness, I ponder on why I suffer through this torment.

1 minute ago, Diaz said:

I agree with this 100%, I wanted to tell him this but I don’t know why I didn’t. 
 

Brother even if u did the surgery, you won’t be 100% female so what’s the use? Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) made u a male for a reason, Be grateful and always remember this world is just a test. 

I know a transgender woman isn't the same as a real woman. I don't ever doubt that. I don't want to transition. I don't want to be a freak or a creep. I don't want to be something wrong. I don't want to hurt my parents and sister. I don't want to hurt real women. I don't want to ruin my future in this world and the next.

I just need some way to relieve these thoughts otherwise I'm worried that I will be unable to live as a man any longer. That I will "troon out". That I will hurt everyone around me. 

I try reading Qur'an 23:97-98 constantly but it still doesn't help. I don't know what to do.

And all the people I talk to even detransitioners and a so-called Islamic scholar tell me "become a woman and take cross-sex hormones".

I need another solution. Because this jihad against my nafs is too great now. 

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Posted (edited)

What also helps, is to recognize that it's just a mere test. Allah wants to see how you will do, and really, you have come sooo far. You're incredible! Allah wants to see if you will give in your nafs, like the others did, or will you be strong and prevail and don't give up? Will you choose the easy way out, that is the life of this dunya, or will you choose the path of the people who Allah is proud of. The people who stride with their biggest fears and challenges and come out of it, stronger, wiser, more pious. When you realize that it's all just a mere test, nothing else. That everything doesn't matter but only Allah to be pleased with you. What is our body anyway? Just some matter, atoms, cells squashed into each other, done in a very beautiful and divine way. Your body is just a vessel making you able to live in this 3D, physical world. Remember that! You are what you are, your consciousness, your soul. Let your phenomenon work with you, not against you. Own it! It doesn't matter if you're a woman or man, you are still the beautiful and unique you.
Hold yourself vulnerable to Allah, and let him show you the path. Talk to him, and he will answer. Try to see the wisdom that Allah has put in your problem. When you solve it and accept it and move on, you will be thankful that you had this phenomenon than if you didn't have it. The moment you solve it, accept it and move on, you will see your piousness grow! Your personal relationship with Allah has grown to such a high extend! You will be thankful because of this problem, you got the chance to know yourself, and in turn now God. Imam Ali has said, He who knows his own Self, knows his Lord. Use it in your advantage!

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14 minutes ago, ahlulbaytkr said:

What also helps, is to recognize that it's just a mere test. Allah wants to see how you will do, and really, you have come sooo far. You're incredible! Allah wants to see if you will give in your nafs, like the others did, or will you be strong and prevail and don't give up? Will you choose the easy way out, that is the life of this dunya, or will you choose the path of the people who Allah is proud of. The people who stride with their biggest fears and challenges and come out of it, stronger, wiser, more pious. When you realize that it's all just a mere test, nothing else. That everything doesn't matter but only Allah to be pleased with you. What is our body anyway? Just some matter, atoms, cells squashed into each other, done in a very beautiful and divine way. Your body is just a vessel making you able to live in this 3D, physical world. Remember that! You are what you are, your consciousness, your soul. Let your phenomenon work with you, not against you. Own it! It doesn't matter if you're a woman or man, you are still the beautiful and unique you.
Hold yourself vulnerable to Allah, and let him show you the path. Talk to him, and he will answer. Try to see the wisdom that Allah has put in your problem. When you solve it and accept it and move on, you will be thankful that you had this phenomenon than if you didn't have it. The moment you solve it, accept it and move on, you will see your piousness grow! Your personal relationship with Allah has grown to such a high extend! You will be thankful because of this problem, you got the chance to know yourself, and in turn now God. Imam Ali has said, He who knows his own Self, knows his Lord. Use it in your advantage!

Thank you for this. I appreciate the kind words.

I know it is a test but this test is becoming more difficult day by day. Even normal people are talking about transgender issues. An Islamic scholar told me to transition. People online and psychologists tell me to transition except here.

It feels as though the whole world is against me at times. That I have no one to communicate with except to Allah. But still I have found no repose from my suffering. It continues to grow day by day. 

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Even normal people are talking about transgender issues.

You mean they sympathize and empathize with people who want life time of expensive surgery, medicine, and therapy. It may have become a business for a capitalist and obviously Media is paid thru adv revenue and yes these forces combined with politicians and companies looking to gain and edge or untapped market this may have become a very lucrative opportunity. So, yes the will be a buzz created to normalize.

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Assalam u Alaikum

@rocephin It hurts to know that individuals suffer because of the lack of awareness, or poor display of attitude, of their society on such issues. It is a difficult journey to help people understand, respect and preserve the rights of one another. But that is nothing new, historically speaking.

Issues such as the one in question need to be addressed holistically. Unfortunately, I lack the time and expertise to offer counsel and support tailored to your circumstances. However, I think that the link below may assist you in having a general understanding of this issue from an Islamic perspective. It may also help you address the problem in your individual capacity. The specific answer that you (and maybe other individuals) are probably seeking is at around 25:08 but I recommend that you watch the entire discussion. Ofcourse, I understand your dilemma that the people close to you are less likely to agree with this position. Regardless, it may be of comfort knowing that the religion you subscribe to does not outright condemn you. There are always exceptions to the rule. In fact, there is support and the willingness to accept available solutions needed by individuals in genuine cases. 

The person responding to questions in this link is not a shia scholar. Most sunni scholars in Pakistan disagree with him too. But I found his explanation on this topic to be reasonable and useful. 

 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, rocephin said:

1) Do you know of any therapists that could help? I have tried searching before but have not been able to find any.

I don't remember names. I think the detrans community on reddit would be able to point you towards one. Surely one of them has found help and can recommend you the same professional. Or if you've ever seen one in a documentary, reach out to them on email. No one is off limits and no location is too far. It's their job to help you, and dealing with this issue is worth a journey.

 

2 hours ago, rocephin said:

2) Make what a long-term goal? I don't understand.

What I mean is don't give up on the idea of finding a professional just because right now you are unable to. Set it as a long-term goal to meet with a therapist. Like how language learners study knowing that they won't be fluent for years. Their long term goal of speaking the language keeps them motivated to get better.

 

2 hours ago, rocephin said:

3) I understand this is whispers of Shaytan and my nafs. That this would ruin my life. 

 

I must say you are one of the most reasonable and self-aware person I've seen deal with GD. Don't forget about the blessing that your desires have not been able to delude you. You know this could ruin your life and that's a rarity.

2 hours ago, rocephin said:

When I abstain completely from things it helps for a few days but then the thoughts come back worse and worse until I end up going back to it and my dreams are filled with me as a woman and my body dysphoria gets worse.

That's completely normal when someone tries to overcome something bad. It's not going to let you off easy, it will protest and make the bad feelings as intense as fire. But they behave like waves. They come and go. In the past I tried to kick a bad habit. Like you, it was easy in the beginning. But then the difficulty would rapidly fluctuate. Until at a certain point, around 40 days in, I felt the craving more intensely than I ever have in my entire life. I don't think it will ever be that intense ever again. I somehow made it through (after literal grief and despair, thinking I was going to fail any day), and I noticed that it never became as hard as that again. I'm not sure if I became stronger, or if my shaitan and nafs in a desperate last ditch effort threw all they had at me so I could fail, but seriously the difficulty was permanently dropped down a couple notches. It's still rough sometimes, but it's manageable. When the thoughts come back for you and they are very intense, it could be possible that this is the largest hurdle, and if you step over this it will be easier from then on.

 

2 hours ago, rocephin said:

I try accepting who I am and try to show what little gratefulness I can to Allah for what He has given me but it's so difficult when my brain is constantly thinking about how disgusting my chest hair is or how pronounced my supraorbital ridge is. It's a constant struggle and I feel like I'm losing. 

Have you tried treating these feelings with defiance? People have acclimated to incredible things that go against instinct itself, there was one woman who was so used to torture that she didn't notice when her oppressor put out a cigarette on her skin. What would happen if you tried to develop a tolerance for this "grotesqueness" by jumping into it with your arms stretched out? Not trying to convince yourself to accept something, rather "This hurts, and I don't care." It's like how the best way to get into a freezing cold body of water is to jump in instead of torture yourself by inching closer bit by bit. 

Like what this character did: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcayAyvN_cQ

 

2 hours ago, rocephin said:

Thank you for this. I appreciate the kind words.

I know it is a test but this test is becoming more difficult day by day. Even normal people are talking about transgender issues. An Islamic scholar told me to transition. People online and psychologists tell me to transition except here.

It feels as though the whole world is against me at times. That I have no one to communicate with except to Allah. But still I have found no repose from my suffering. It continues to grow day by day. 

If others were in your shoes, 99% of them would have snapped under the pressure and transitioned. They would have deluded themselves into believing something that they know is not true, but you've held firm to reality and acknowledge that what your nafs wants is not good for you or those around you. Don't think your Quran recitation is not helping, or that Allah has not taken pity on you. You are staying afloat, and that is an incredible accomplishment.

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The field from which you are looking to enlist help/verification requires Empirical Evidence. Which is only available in case of Verified Empirical Physical Observations like a reformed organ, or existence of both male and female organs. Those are legitimate and  different cases. 

Just a thought or feeling based or induced due to environment - theory may be a result of many issues.  Only linking it to one prevalent theme. Which is not verified by any Empirical Observation. There is no god because no Empirical evidence that is what they say, - Counter productive to use non Empirical evidence and utilize science or we should just call/believe whatever we think science. 

Was the gist of my concern. 

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13 hours ago, rocephin said:

I need another solution. Because this jihad against my nafs is too great now. 

:salam:

Quote

Purgatory of the Body Paperback – February 28, 2012

By no means a surgeon's medical report on transgenderism, its characteristics, or surgical procedures. Rather, these poignant memoires reveal the harshest realities of transgenders' lives inside Iran. At times heartrending and at others heartwarming, Dr. Cohanzad reflects with a humane and intimate touch, the tribulations of his many patients whose lives he rescued. 

https://www.amazon.com/Purgatory-Body-Shahryar-Cohanzad/dp/1434989194

https://endocrine.ac.ir/slide_detail/2020 SHAHRYAR COHANZAD MD Sex-Urologist?lang=FA

http://parsneuromonitoring.com/shahryar-cohanzad/

https://ir.linkedin.com/in/shahryar-cohanzad-01474052

by researching  his name you can also find his social  media accounts  in Twitter  & Instagram & facebook

https://www.google.com/search?q=shahryar+cohanzad&client=opera&hs=cX3&ei=F4x6YKrLMdaE1fAP4ty0kA4&oq=shahryar+koh&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAEYADIICAAQFhAKEB46BQgAELEDOgsIABCxAxDHARCvAToICAAQsQMQgwE6AggAOgcILhBDEJMCOgQILhBDOgIILjoICC4QsQMQgwE6CAgAEMcBEKMCOgUILhCTAjoICAAQxwEQrwE6BAguEAo6CggAEMcBEK8BEAo6BAgAEAo6BwguEBMQkwI6BAgAEBM6BgguEAoQEzoGCAAQFhAeUOfjFVjNtBdg08gXaAFwAngAgAHcA4gB0imSAQYzLTExLjOYAQCgAQGqAQdnd3Mtd2l6wAEB&sclient=gws-wiz

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Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, rocephin said:

I do try to imagine this. I think about being a good loving and nurturing father. But I still have hatred of my masculine body and disgust of my privates and bodily functions. My brain still thinks "being a woman would be much better" and I can't remove these thoughts of wanting to transition.

I also worry as I said before about what happened to @notme. The cases of causing a trans widow and ruining the family dynamic because I repress the thoughts for so long and then I inevitably "troon out" and cause my wife and children great distress.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to remove these thoughts. I try prayer, I try reading Qur'an, I try talking antidepressants, I tried removing myself from all contact with transgender stuff online which failed, I tried talking to my parents which failed, I tried talking with transgenders and detransitioners (former transgenders) but all of them say to transition based on what I told them.

I can't afford a therapist because of my insurance.

I don't know any Shia people in real life other than my parents because I'm isolated now because of schooling. I don't have a Shia masjid to go to talk to some scholar.

And once I did one of them told me Sayyid Khomeini allowed transgenders so I could do it too.

So that's why I'm here to see if anyone has any solutions for me. 

I don't want to ruin my life over this. I don't want to become a freak. I need help.

Salam, 

Imam Khomeni(رضي الله عنه) did allow it, but you need to read the conditions he attaches to this actions. I think if you really want to do this, you first need to make a great effort to separate yourself from all the gay / trans propaganda in the media, and especially in the English Speaking media. This will take an extreme act of discipline, but it may give you clarity on making the decision. The first thing you need to do is 'de platform' yourself with all your current accounts, (Gmail, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc). Then you need to create new accounts for all these. Once you make these new accounts, and this is where the discipline comes in, you need to be 'extremely' careful not to click on anything that has to do with 'gay/trans/lgbtq'. The way social media, and actually almost all media now works, is that it 'seals you in a bubble' by giving you only information that it (the AI algorithms) think you want, and the more you click, the more of it is gives you and the less counter evidence or alternate perspectives it gives you. So your thinking begins to go in circles that are 'pre made' for you. They do this to make money, period, because the business model is based on this, and society get ruined in the process by getting people divided and radicalized, and makes people intolerant toward alternate viewpoints since, in their mind, alternate viewpoints don't exist because they never see them. So when confronted with these alternate viewpoints, they 'freak out'. 

I am in the IT field so I understand (somewhat) how this works so I do things deliberately to 'confuse' the algorithm' so I tend to get more alternate viewpoints than most people. But 99% of people don't know how to do this. Anyway, what you must realize is that at least part of your thinking is due to gay / trans propaganda that you have consumed, which has influenced your thoughts in the direction of thinking you are 'not really' a man and need to change into something else in order to be 'happy'. So once this influence is minimized, or ideally eliminated, only then can you think clearly regarding this issue and what you need to do, going forward. 

BTW, this is coming from someone who was born in California during the last days of the 'hippie' movement and both my parents had this ideology, and this is what I grew up on 'Free Love, etc'. When I converted to Islam, I had to consciously separate in my mind what was 'hippie' / left wing propaganda (lgbtq... was part of that) and what was real and true. I got into IT originally, to do research on these topics. Anyways, it took me many years of hard work and mental discipline and control of what I consumed, as far as media, in order to seperate these things out, but it was a very rewarding process and I think now I have a much better grasp of what is real and what is propaganda from narrow interest groups who are simply pushing their own 'view' of what reality is on people. 

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On 4/16/2021 at 11:12 AM, rocephin said:

Please I need help. I don't know who to talk to. I wish I could be a normal man without these thoughts.

Right down the positive things about being a woman and the negative things of being a man. Then try to write  the opposite. 

Then if you don't mind post the lists here. It will help to categorise your thought process. And will allow people to help you better.

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20 hours ago, Abbas. said:

 

 

وعليكم السلام

I watched the video. He's saying what the scholar told me in that since cross-sex hormone replacement therapy and srs is the treatment for this defect of mine I should do it.

It's just telling me to transition. I don't know if I can go through with that though. It will hurt my family deeply and cause so much social strife. How will I ever find a loved one and get married then and complete half my deen? How can I go on without my parents' acceptance and love? What if they disavow me and do not forgive me? How will Allah ever forgive me then for causing my parents this hardship.

Also I don't understand is this allowed in Islam or not?

19 hours ago, guest 2025 said:

I don't remember names. I think the detrans community on reddit would be able to point you towards one. Surely one of them has found help and can recommend you the same professional. Or if you've ever seen one in a documentary, reach out to them on email. No one is off limits and no location is too far. It's their job to help you, and dealing with this issue is worth a journey.

What I mean is don't give up on the idea of finding a professional just because right now you are unable to. Set it as a long-term goal to meet with a therapist. Like how language learners study knowing that they won't be fluent for years. Their long term goal of speaking the language keeps them motivated to get better.

I must say you are one of the most reasonable and self-aware person I've seen deal with GD. Don't forget about the blessing that your desires have not been able to delude you. You know this could ruin your life and that's a rarity.

That's completely normal when someone tries to overcome something bad. It's not going to let you off easy, it will protest and make the bad feelings as intense as fire. But they behave like waves. They come and go. In the past I tried to kick a bad habit. Like you, it was easy in the beginning. But then the difficulty would rapidly fluctuate. Until at a certain point, around 40 days in, I felt the craving more intensely than I ever have in my entire life. I don't think it will ever be that intense ever again. I somehow made it through (after literal grief and despair, thinking I was going to fail any day), and I noticed that it never became as hard as that again. I'm not sure if I became stronger, or if my shaitan and nafs in a desperate last ditch effort threw all they had at me so I could fail, but seriously the difficulty was permanently dropped down a couple notches. It's still rough sometimes, but it's manageable. When the thoughts come back for you and they are very intense, it could be possible that this is the largest hurdle, and if you step over this it will be easier from then on.

Have you tried treating these feelings with defiance? People have acclimated to incredible things that go against instinct itself, there was one woman who was so used to torture that she didn't notice when her oppressor put out a cigarette on her skin. What would happen if you tried to develop a tolerance for this "grotesqueness" by jumping into it with your arms stretched out? Not trying to convince yourself to accept something, rather "This hurts, and I don't care." It's like how the best way to get into a freezing cold body of water is to jump in instead of torture yourself by inching closer bit by bit. 

Like what this character did: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcayAyvN_cQ

If others were in your shoes, 99% of them would have snapped under the pressure and transitioned. They would have deluded themselves into believing something that they know is not true, but you've held firm to reality and acknowledge that what your nafs wants is not good for you or those around you. Don't think your Quran recitation is not helping, or that Allah has not taken pity on you. You are staying afloat, and that is an incredible accomplishment.

1) I tried reaching out to r/detrans in two threads. One they didn't respond to at all. The other they said I should try transitioning and "boymode" (where you are on hrt but present as male outwardly) and see if that relieves my dysphoria without hurting my parents. I would feel terrible lying to and deceiving my parents though. Even the detransitioners are telling me to transition.

2) I will definitely see a therapist ان شاء الله when I start making my own income in a few months but I need some relief now. My sabr is running out and the pain is becoming overwhelming and unbearable.

3) Thank you. I spent a lot of time contemplating this. I have studied transgenderism and the community for a long time even while repressing. But at times I do still feel delusional and think I am a woman inside. That I have the soul of a woman. And that hurts me deeply.

4) The problem is every hurdle is getting steeper and steeper to the point that I have even been contemplating suicide again even though I am on the strongest regimen of antidepressants right now and spent years unraveling my suicidal ideation and attempt when I was 20 through Islam and understanding of psychology. Somehow I'm worse off now.  

5) I have done things like look in the mirror and say "I am a man, I am a man, I am a man" repeatedly. I tried lifting. I tried being more masculine and macho. All of it doesn't work or worse causes me to dissociate which causes me great emotional and mental pain.

6) ان شاء الله I can somehow stay afloat because it feels like my nafs, the whole world, and even my fitra wants me to sink.

8 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

I don't know Farsi and couldn't find the book online. I don't understand. Are you telling me to transition and consider using this doctor for srs?

7 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Salam, 

Imam Khomeni(رضي الله عنه) did allow it, but you need to read the conditions he attaches to this actions. I think if you really want to do this, you first need to make a great effort to separate yourself from all the gay / trans propaganda in the media, and especially in the English Speaking media. This will take an extreme act of discipline, but it may give you clarity on making the decision. The first thing you need to do is 'de platform' yourself with all your current accounts, (Gmail, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc). Then you need to create new accounts for all these. Once you make these new accounts, and this is where the discipline comes in, you need to be 'extremely' careful not to click on anything that has to do with 'gay/trans/lgbtq'. The way social media, and actually almost all media now works, is that it 'seals you in a bubble' by giving you only information that it (the AI algorithms) think you want, and the more you click, the more of it is gives you and the less counter evidence or alternate perspectives it gives you. So your thinking begins to go in circles that are 'pre made' for you. They do this to make money, period, because the business model is based on this, and society get ruined in the process by getting people divided and radicalized, and makes people intolerant toward alternate viewpoints since, in their mind, alternate viewpoints don't exist because they never see them. So when confronted with these alternate viewpoints, they 'freak out'. 

I am in the IT field so I understand (somewhat) how this works so I do things deliberately to 'confuse' the algorithm' so I tend to get more alternate viewpoints than most people. But 99% of people don't know how to do this. Anyway, what you must realize is that at least part of your thinking is due to gay / trans propaganda that you have consumed, which has influenced your thoughts in the direction of thinking you are 'not really' a man and need to change into something else in order to be 'happy'. So once this influence is minimized, or ideally eliminated, only then can you think clearly regarding this issue and what you need to do, going forward. 

BTW, this is coming from someone who was born in California during the last days of the 'hippie' movement and both my parents had this ideology, and this is what I grew up on 'Free Love, etc'. When I converted to Islam, I had to consciously separate in my mind what was 'hippie' / left wing propaganda (lgbtq... was part of that) and what was real and true. I got into IT originally, to do research on these topics. Anyways, it took me many years of hard work and mental discipline and control of what I consumed, as far as media, in order to seperate these things out, but it was a very rewarding process and I think now I have a much better grasp of what is real and what is propaganda from narrow interest groups who are simply pushing their own 'view' of what reality is on people. 

1) What are the conditions attached? I don't know the specifics.

2) I already detest the Western "queer" and LGBT community for how it is against Islam and in its promotion of fasad especially among children. I just read about them to get some perspective on certain biological or social phenomena.

3) I would rather these thoughts go away somehow without transitioning and become a normal man. I would rather be a real woman, then a normal man without dysphoria, then a transgender woman.

4 hours ago, Ali bin Hussein said:

Right down the positive things about being a woman and the negative things of being a man. Then try to write  the opposite. 

Then if you don't mind post the lists here. It will help to categorise your thought process. And will allow people to help you better.

I've done this before in the past. The problem is my mind is irrational in its desire to be a woman. I will do it again though

Woman Pros: I feel attached to the maternal role and the role of being a wife, I feel attached and like feminine things, I wish to wear feminine clothing, I wish to look feminine, Female friendships are more emotional and deeper in my view, I relate more to other women and have always been good friends with them and many treat me as another woman in their groups, I can be more kind and nurturing and not have to be aggressive or domineering, I love the role and position of women in Islam, I wish I could wear hijab and niqab and always did even as a child for some reason--it just feels right and safer, I feel more attached to Sayyida Fatima and Zaynab, Real women can be pregnant and give birth and nourish their children

Women Cons: Misogyny, domestic abuse, oppression and mistreatment in school and workplace if they participate there, sexual harassment and assault, Real women have to deal with haydh and pains of that and pains of childbirth

Men Pros: Don't have to deal with misogyny and sexual assault and harassment, Seen as the more intelligent and stronger group so given privileges based on that, inheritance and money making, easier to get married and have children

Men Cons: Male bodies are disgusting, I hate my body and facial hair and my privates and the shape of my body, I cannot relate to men and communicate with them well, I have never had good relationships with men, I am not aggressive or domineering enough to be like the other men, the biological functions of men and their privates to me is painful and grotesque and makes me feel uncomfortable with my body, I dislike wearing masculine clothes and acting masculine, I can't imagine being a husband and having intimacy with a woman and idk how that'll work

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The fact that you have better relationships with women than with men makes me think you'd make an excellent husband and a terrible wife. The fact that you find the male form disgusting means if you did transition, you would never want to marry a man. 

Why do you want to wear women's clothing? Are you trying to emulate some particular woman or are you trying to distance yourself from some particular man? Don't answer if you don't want to. Just contemplate.

My first husband told me that he used to feel like a woman trapped in a man's body and now he feels like a man trapped in a parody of a woman's body. In reality, we are not morally or spiritually obligated to sexualize ourselves at all. You can be just a human being, just yourself. This fixation with gender and sexuality is a common disorder. 

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Just now, notme said:

The fact that you have better relationships with women than with men makes me think you'd make an excellent husband and a terrible wife. The fact that you find the male form disgusting means if you did transition, you would never want to marry a man. 

Why do you want to wear women's clothing? Are you trying to emulate some particular woman or are you trying to distance yourself from some particular man? Don't answer if you don't want to. Just contemplate.

My first husband told me that he used to feel like a woman trapped in a man's body and now he feels like a man trapped in a parody of a woman's body. In reality, we are not morally or spiritually obligated to sexualize ourselves at all. You can be just a human being, just yourself. This fixation with gender and sexuality is a common disorder. 

1) Yes that's one of my hopes that at least when I get married I can be a loving, caring and kind partner to my wife and be great friends with her. I still can't imagine intimacy with a woman though beyond just simple hugging and such so I don't know how that would be.

I have heard people's sexual orientations change while transitioning and that dysphoria can cloud people's minds when it comes to their disgust of the pre-transition same sex. But yes I am and have been attracted to women (more emotionally rather than physically but still physically) as opposed to men. 

2) I don't know why I want to wear women's clothing. I have unfortunately done it in the past in the privacy of my apartment but I have removed those articles and donated them. I feel comfortable and nicer looking in them but then I get disgusted with how I look in them and at the absurdity of being some simulacra of what a woman is so I removed them. If I am emulating anyone it's the idealized female self in my head that I see. It's who I see when I dream about myself or think of myself. It looks like my mother with some of my father's features. 

3) Yes it does seem like transgender women are just caricatures of womanhood and femininity. Like hyperreal simulacra of what a woman is. I don't imagine myself as a transgender woman; I imagine myself as a real one. I would rather be a normal man than transgender which is why I'm asking for help.

4) I am trying to be myself and accept who I am but the thoughts just keep returning. I can't stop them. I don't know why or how I got fixated on gender. Even as a child I would say things like "boys grow up to be women and girls grow up to be men" to other children because it was my hope. I used to pray to Allah to make me a woman and a mother as a child. I would wear sweatshirts in summer heat just to cover my arms and my chest as a child. I would wear towels to cover my chest. All these strange things I just did. I don't know why or how it started.

It's just unbearable. I want it to end. I want to be normal and to have peace in my mind.

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Any type of repression on this issue won't let you move forward on the gender identity crisis. Merely because you reinforce the original notion of the existence of two genders with certain characteristic. This deconstruction of the meaning of gender, regardless of how you choose to live your life, is also a necessary step to know yourself better.

I believe there is much time to be a woman, so there isn't really need to rush anything, to choose to live as a man, as a woman, or even NB. Take your time to explore genders and to deconstruct them to understand what is what you really desire, what path you really want to take in your life. You can explore your own masculinity, what is what you dislike, what it means to you to be a "man".

And I highly recommend you to talk to other trans people. They can bring you some perspective.

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