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In the Name of God بسم الله

An annoying addiction

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Salam guys. 

For 2 years i have been struggling with masturbation addiction, specifically with adult videos.

I had a 50 day long streak but now i can barely do 3 days. Any Advice?

Thank you and please remember me in your dua

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If your struggling with this problem and you were able to go 50 days, that means you have the ability to quit within you. This is really great. One thing that has helped me is educating myself on all the harms that come from these acts. Once you understand the damages it does to every aspect of your being, it will reduce your urge to commit this act.

I haven't been able to rid myself of this sin completely but I've made a lot of progress. Spend all your time productively on studies, hobbies, exercise. The urges will come less often but when they do the rest of it is up to your willpower to control yourself. You will fail again and again but inshallah over time you will strengthen your willpower. While you work on this issue, you will definitely fail and commit istimna. When you do so, please for the love of God, do not use any visual aids. Porn is the #1 most destructive thing for your brain, body, soul, future marriage. Even more so than masturbating.

Set goals for yourself and know that everytime you give in, if you ask for sincere forgiveness you will be forgiven. Just get back up and never stop trying. Good luck brother

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4 hours ago, Quran313 said:

50 days? That means you are not addicted

It takes roughly about more than a year to two years biologically to rewire your brain, given that you follow a proper system and obviously don't engage in other things which fire up the same neuropathways in your brain. For example, if you stop masturbation for 50 days but during those 50 days you engage in other unhealthy activities such as social media binging that give you that dopamine hit, then in reality your brain isnt rewiring.

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Posted (edited)
On 3/31/2021 at 3:34 AM, Guest Help said:

The urges will come less often but when they do the rest of it is up to your willpower

This is absolutely false with an obsessive addiction like masturbation. 

Your willpower will eventually be exhausted because it's not part of your subconcious. Which is why so many people go on their lives relapsing time and time again. 

One more effective skill is to learn and build ways and mechanism to manage deep issues/pains, traumas and emotional triggers that lead you to this behavior. Having effective relapse prevention methods that you use time and time again is also one way.

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans
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4 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

This is absolutely false with an obsessive addiction like masturbation. .

What about people who do it rarely and aren't addicted? For them is it mostly willpower dependent?

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Wa alaikum salam wa rahmatullah,

Research the affects of porn on the brain. One thing with porn is it can actually give you porn induced erectile dysfunction when you are with a real woman. This should be alarming to any brothers. The real thing is always better than digital frame by frame. 

Research dopamine and how to have healthy levels of dopamine. You need to find a better 'reward' system than rewarding the brain with porn which will cause an imbalance of dopamine levels. This will cause you anxiety and depression. 

I suggest also looking into 'no fap'. Look up videos on it. 

Of course first and foremost pray to the Lord of the Kaaba to guide you away from this habit. 

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Wow I just posted about my 100 days streak! 

Brother if you can do 50 pat yourself.

Always ask help from Allah and Imam e zamana (ajtf). 

Another good thing would be if you transmutate your energy into something meaningful. For example if you are student then focus on finishing your degree or chase your career and reach where you see yourself. Remind yourself this energy will take you there and you will loose all the gains if you masturbate.

Go for gym if you they are open find some good outdoor activity

Don't lie on bed idle and stare at phone until you feel really really tired and want to sleep. 

Don't peak / edge 

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On 3/30/2021 at 12:07 AM, hadi_syed said:

specifically with adult videos

First make sure to get rid of this. Add restrictions on your devices, make sure to add hard pin code as well so that you can’t remove the restriction and forget about the pin code. Make sure not to watch anything that lead to watch adult videos, if you are playing games, make sure the games are normal. 

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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, Guest Help said:

What about people who do it rarely and aren't addicted? For them is it mostly willpower dependent?

No for them the thought of doing such a thing never even crosses their mind and they have zero interest since they're not addicted. 

But generally with masturbation, even the people who think they aren't addicted and do it casually, there is a high chance that they are addicted but have rationalized it.

Tell someone to abstain from it for 2+ years that's when you know they aren't addicted. 

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans
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Posted (edited)

Salam brothers. I will disagree with all of you. You do not use willpower to end an addiction as willpower is finite and you are way more likely to fail. That is not to say you cant succeed with it but its like using a shovel to chop a tree rather than an axe.

 

Also with regards to when you are free from addiction. The neurological addiction (deltafosb waterslides in your brain) take 3-8 weeks to breakdown so you can't be neurologically addicted beyond that at that point you have just gotten a forbidden fruit syndrome. You want something you cant have and that makes you miserable. If you are struggling with porn or masturbation addiction then read this https://easypeasymethod.org/ . Addiction is tricky but when you know the solution you can quit easily. You are non addicted the moment you know you will forever not use/consume the drug or intoxicant. 

 

I can tell you that if you understand the reasons why you continue your addiction and debunk those reasons you WILL quit.

 

I quit my addiction and i didn't have a single urge or craving since i quit. It was actually like i had never been addicted before. It just became a sad joke to me.

Edited by Khurasani
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19 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

One more effective skill is to learn and build ways and mechanism to manage deep issues/pains, traumas and emotional triggers that lead you to this behavior. Having effective relapse prevention methods that you use time and time again is also one way.

 

5 hours ago, Khurasani said:

You do not use willpower to end an addiction as willpower is finite and you are way more likely to fail. That is not to say you cant succeed with it but its like using a shovel to chop a tree rather than an axe.

I can tell you that if you understand the reasons why you continue your addiction and debunk those reasons you WILL quit.

I quit my addiction and i didn't have a single urge or craving since i quit. It was actually like i had never been addicted before. It just became a sad joke to me.

So far I've been trying to quit based on willpower, and I've made progress but fail to quit completely. Could either of you outline a different way to approach the issue? Greatly appreciated.

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6 hours ago, Khurasani said:

Also with regards to when you are free from addiction. The neurological addiction (deltafosb waterslides in your brain) take 3-8 weeks to breakdown so you can't be neurologically addicted beyond that at that point you have just gotten a forbidden fruit syndrome. You want something you cant have and that makes you miserable.

 

7 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Tell someone to abstain from it for 2+ years that's when you know they aren't addicted. 

Which one is it? 2 years or 3-8 weeks? 

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I don't want to start another thread so I'll just reply to this one and hopefully I can get help as well. (Perhaps mods should consider making a megathread and pinning it :ko:)

I've been stuck in the same disgusting cycle for so long. I give in and commit the sin a few times and end up feeling so guilty that the guilt propels me to have enough resolve to stay away for the next few weeks. But then the willpower runs out and I give in again. And then another wave of willpower powered by guilt and remorse. Rinse and repeat. Please give advice :helpsos:

 

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10 hours ago, Khurasani said:

The neurological addiction (deltafosb waterslides in your brain) take 3-8 weeks to breakdown so you can't be neurologically addicted beyond that at that point

This confirms to me that even you don't understand the complexity of porn/masturbation addiction. You can take those many weeks to build new habits and gain some control, but never enough to rewire your brain permanently especially if you've been addicted for years. If someone can take 3 weeks to quit their addiction for good, well I question whether they were even addicted to start with. Also your response neglects many other deep issues such as trauma which make it so much more difficult for some people to quit addiction. 

Also, If that is the case you always hear so many countless stories of men who relapse even after the 90 day mark, if they truly rewired, they would not even need to rely on willpower to control.

Also anyone (including me, you, whoever on this planet) can say with full confidence that they've quit, is when they've stayed off from it for more than two years. Anyone who hasn't reached this point, is talking nonsense (this is the harsh reality). 

Also not having cravings - that's basically the dormant stage of the addiction cycle. It can last even for many months, the point is that this is a temporary phase and our urges may not be that strong cos of some distractions in life etc. It's kinda like the honeymoon phase. This is one reason why you hear stories of men who had been off this addiction for one year, but then after they relapsed. It's because when the dormant stage of their addiction cycle came to an end and when they experienced a trigger or a strong urge, they gave in. It's an endless cycle which keeps many men addicted unfortunately. 

That's why the journey to get rid of this addiction for the vast majority is not easy, it takes a lot of hard work and consistent implementation of a system that works. Anyone who says that it's easy, does not grasp the complexity of this addiction. But this should not shatter anyone's hope because once our brain biologically rewires, we won't return to this. 

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Posted (edited)
14 hours ago, Diaz said:

First make sure to get rid of this. Add restrictions on your devices, make sure to add hard pin code as well so that you can’t remove the restriction and forget about the pin code. Make sure not to watch anything that lead to watch adult videos, if you are playing games, make sure the games are normal. 

Porn and Games are the biggest obstacles to any believer to develop their Iman. Either they cut them totally and start their journey to increase their faith, or they will be stuck in same loop and never will develop anywhere.

he said, ‘Indeed I have preferred the love of [worldly] niceties to the remembrance of my Lord until [the sun] disappeared behind the [night’s] veil.’ 38:31

 

Edited by Abu Nur
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9 hours ago, Guest Help said:

 

So far I've been trying to quit based on willpower, and I've made progress but fail to quit completely. Could either of you outline a different way to approach the issue? Greatly appreciated.

Ill explain to you the allen carr method. (a method that has been used by allen carr for smokers with 95% success gurantee) it is the method the book that i linked used. Okay so when is willpower required in life? When you have 2 conflicting wills. Lets say you are lifting a heavy weight and ur body is telling you to stop but you are telling it to push and that is willpower. Now let us use this example for porn, masturbation or any drug in general. First we have our reasons to quit. Those are usually health, time, money and that we don't wanna be a slave. Now let us look at the other side which is reasons why we don't wanna quit. Those are usually "it relieves boredom" "it relaxes me" "it is my pleasure" "it helps me concentrate" these are powerful reasons NOT to stop. So when we quit we have these reasons for and against which makes us need to use willpower to quit. However what IF porn or drugs didn't relieve boredom, didn't relax you, wasn't pleasurable and didn't help you concentrate. Well then you would have 0 reasons not to quit and 4 additional reasons to quit and because of that can quit without feeling deprived and not need to use willpower. The truth is that porn or any drug doesn't relieve the symptoms. It creates the symptoms that it tricks you to believe that it cures.

9 hours ago, Guest Help said:

 

Which one is it? 2 years or 3-8 weeks? 

I think me and @ali_fatheroforphans were talking about 2 different things. Yes it takes 2 years for the brain to completely heal but that doesn't mean it will be 2 years of suffering or that the addiction is alive for 2 years. Quiet the opposite it will be 2 years of you regaining what you used to have. But the deltafosb waterslides which the brain builds to make you watch porn or use drugs will die within 8 weeks. It is those waterslides that usually lead you to watch porn. The problem is that people think you will have to suffer 8 weeks to 2 years which isn't true. It is the oposite. You are gaining freedom so you should be happy and not sad and scared.

 

When a person successfully quits were they free the day they quit or 2 years later? Obviously the day they quit they were officially free so to put a time limit on it is wrong because nothing magic happens after 8 weeks or 2 years. It is not like you wake up after those days and think "oh god i dont wanna do it anymore" you will feel just normal in 8 weeks or 2 years. So regard yourself as free the moment you decide never to do it anything because that is truly when you are free unless you decide to do it again.

 

What i think your issue is that you were mentally moping for it. The neurological addiction in your brain was pretty much dead after 50 days so you had a forbidden fruit syndrome where you wanted something you cant have so you felt deprived. If you stopped wanting it, it wouldn't have happened. Anyway these 50 days is prove that you can quit but you just need to remove the reasons you watch pornography and when you have no reasons to use it will be easy. 

 

This video talks about the method and how a chain smoker went overnight to a non smoker basically because he realised all of this. The same holds true for any addiction.

 

 

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

This confirms to me that even you don't understand the complexity of porn/masturbation addiction. You can take those many weeks to build new habits and gain some control, but never enough to rewire your brain permanently especially if you've been addicted for years. If someone can take 3 weeks to quit their addiction for good, well I question whether they were even addicted to start with. Also your response neglects many other deep issues such as trauma which make it so much more difficult for some people to quit addiction. 

Also, If that is the case you always hear so many countless stories of men who relapse even after the 90 day mark, if they truly rewired, they would not even need to rely on willpower to control.

Also anyone (including me, you, whoever on this planet) can say with full confidence that they've quit, is when they've stayed off from it for more than two years. Anyone who hasn't reached this point, is talking nonsense (this is the harsh reality). 

Also not having cravings - that's basically the dormant stage of the addiction cycle. It can last even for many months, the point is that this is a temporary phase and our urges may not be that strong cos of some distractions in life etc. It's kinda like the honeymoon phase. This is one reason why you hear stories of men who had been off this addiction for one year, but then after they relapsed. It's because when the dormant stage of their addiction cycle came to an end and when they experienced a trigger or a strong urge, they gave in. It's an endless cycle which keeps many men addicted unfortunately. 

That's why the journey to get rid of this addiction for the vast majority is not easy, it takes a lot of hard work and consistent implementation of a system that works. Anyone who says that it's easy, does not grasp the complexity of this addiction. But this should not shatter anyone's hope because once our brain biologically rewires, we won't return to this. 

The reason people fail at 90 days, 100 days, 500 days, 1000 days or 1 million days in is because they STILL want to use. When they still want to use they are likely gonna fail unless they change their mind. Users who quit after 200 days or 600 days dont succeed because of the time. They succeeded because they KNEW that they ended their need/wanting/desire for porn or drugs. 

I have tried quitting using willpower and i had many urges and failed many many times but when i used this method properly i didn't have a single one.

The reason to get rid of addiction isn't easy because of the misinformation out there. They want to keep people addicted or else the addiction services would have almost no customers if all of them quit with ease. In the past they said that addicts inherited addiction and couldn't ever quit and because of that almost nobody was able to quit their addiction. 

I'm not speaking non sense brother lol I know that i will never do this again. Wallahi i will never do it. Im comfortable enough to say Wallahi because i know i will never do it and im happy to never do it again. This leads me to another point: uncertainty. Doubt and uncertainty leads to the fail of many people and when you say you have to wait 2 years. People will think its 2 years of horror but even after those 2 years are over YOU won't feel any different. This will make people doubt if they did it correctly. 

 

Are people free after 2 years or the day they decide to never do it again and actually never do it again?

 

The reason people fail after the initial few weeks is always because they believe they have to watch porn to be happy, to relieve stress, to end boredom, to concentrate. If they knew all of that wasn't true they wouldn't have a single reason to come back.

Edited by Khurasani
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54 minutes ago, Khurasani said:

I have tried quitting using willpower and i had many urges and failed many many times but when i used this method properly i didn't have a single one.

By "this method" are you referring to the online book you linked? 

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@Khurasani I agree with a lot of the points you made regarding willpower and some sort of false beliefs and thinking errors which have been formed over the years.  I also feel that your mindset is better than a lot of other people who talk about addiction. You are headed the right direction definitely.

No one has to wait till two years, if they are waiting and counting days, then they aren't changing their lives and truly rebooting.

I'm only stating a biological fact that if a person consistently follows as "SYSTEM" (be it a recovery coach, therapist or a self-made one, or whatever), then they will eventually rewire their brain in 2 years. But during these 2 years, there is a lot of work that NEEDS to be put in. A person can be enjoying these two years experiencing some amazing benefits, improving their relationships,  gaining confidence, improving their self-image etc.  but the reality is that they can't consider themselves 'recovered' cos biologically their brain hasn't rewired. It doesn't mean that it's a horrible experience or they have to wait. I know many successful stories of people who haven't masturbated in 3-5 years and one thing is that they enjoyed reboot so much and were so immersed in it, that they didn't even count days, they were busy improving their lives. 2 years went by and they never had an urge after that.   

But if you consider yourself recovered from day 1, that actually builds resistance cos you work against you brain. Your brain knows the thousands of times you relapsed. The subconscious part of our brain always took note of it and simply repeating to ourselves "I will never do it again", may be possibly rationally but it doesn't change our biochemistry.

You will experience incredible amount of relief and feel empowered when you make the decision to quit. However that 'feeling' is only the starting point and it's not the solution in itself. It seems that you have a perfectionist attitude and it may do you harm (I want the best for you so I'm being blunt). Imagine climbing a big building and saying that "I will never ever relapse", when you fall down, you will experience so much hurt, shame and pain, cos you tied your success to this one event. In turn you are giving it so much importance. Yes relapses are horrible and harram period, but if you say "I will never do this wallah", you will bring yourself down to square one after a relapse.

Good systems, recovery coaches and even therapists always take account of uncertainties and prepare you for obstacles.

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Guest anon1230

This is what I think one of the most dangerous addictions and one of the most overlooked in our community. I have only heard it discussed once or twice, having gone to weekend islamic school, and many majlisis and lectures. It is so so difficult, mainly because of the ease of access. Imagine a heroine addict having a 24/7 running tap of heroin in there room.

I've been plagued by this for a long long time, and this https://easypeasymethod.org/ book is helping me. just putting it in focus that what you are doing is not as essential as your urges make you believe. This and staying busy have been the best things for me, although I am not won against this affliction yet. Also stay off the internet. Or only use it for work.

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On 4/2/2021 at 10:05 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

@Khurasani Imagine climbing a big building and saying that "I will never ever relapse", when you fall down, you will experience so much hurt, shame and pain, cos you tied your success to this one event. In turn you are giving it so much importance. Yes relapses are horrible and harram period, but if you say "I will never do this wallah", you will bring yourself down to square one after a relapse.

I agree. Saying "I will never relapse" may go against the Quranic statement that man's nafs is tempted to sin. I can see the hope and the good intention of staying sinless for ever by having the feeling that one will never, ever masturbate...but this feeling of guarantee of sexual infallibility might be problematic. 

Even our Imams who were in reality sexually infallible and would not have ever even imagined committing any sin did not declare themselves that they were immune from sins altogether. Rather they showed that they too feared that they might sin. For example, Imam Ali (عليه السلام) feared that the voice of young women might produce some negative effects on him so he avoided even hearing their voice. 

So I think even married people should not consider themselves immune from temptations and should not consider that they will never relapse into sins. 

Perhaps the reason for that is that this thinking can indicate a degree of pride in one's self that he has now become so pious that he will never ever come near sin. Pride is something which Allah does not like at all. A married man who is always fearful that despite being married his faith is so weak that he is always tempted to sin may be more liked by Allah than an unmarried man who believes that his faith is so strong that he will never sin despite being unmarried. It is the declaration and acceptance of our weakness in faith which Allah likes because it tells is that we, and our faith, really are of no significance or value at all - it is only and only Allah (not our piety) which can save married and unmarried men from sins. 

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On 4/2/2021 at 6:26 AM, Abu Nur said:

Porn and Games are the biggest obstacles to any believer to develop their Iman

Well said, Akhi.

The gaming community is a toxic place. Left it for good quite a while ago.

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