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In the Name of God بسم الله

Why are marriages still arranged in your communities?

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Guest Outsider

Hello all. I'm not Muslim but I was just wondering why the practice of arranged marriages is still a thing? I'm not talking about forced marriages, I know those are different and not allowed. I mean marriages where parents set their kids up with other singles, and then they get married without any real emotional connection? 

So I guess it's a 2 part question

1) Why don't some Muslims find their partners on their own at school, work, online, etc instead of relying on parents?

2) Why do you guys marry after only talking for a few months sometimes 

No hate at all just curious:)

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Hi and welcome to the forum. 

It's a good question. 

1) This is of course possible,there is no issue with it. The idea of family members looking for a potential spouse is not very different to the concept of friends trying to set up two people who they know. 

When you know two different people and see a potential match between them, you can suggest that they get to know each other. This is essentially what is done in arranged marriages.

At your workplace or school you might not necessarily come across someone who fits your criteria of a partner. 

Keeping in mind that muslims marry within their own religion, this can be challenging in non muslim societies.

 

2) Marriage is a life long journey. For some of us it is sufficient to briefly get to know someone in order to determine if we are prepared to take this journey together. 

Marriage is also highly recommended in our religion and a means of 'completing' or 'perfecting' our religion, so it is something that many of us actively seek. That's why it is sufficient for us to know that there are no 'red flags' or 'deal breakers' before agreeing to marry a like minded person.

 

Hope this was helpful, feel free to ask further questions if any come to mind. 

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  • Advanced Member
7 hours ago, Guest Outsider said:

 

2) Why do you guys marry after only talking for a few months sometimes 

No hate at all just curious:)

Also you can't live together and engage in immoral relations to find out your "compatible" before marriage in Islam. 

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I live in West, its not easy for Muslims to find parntners. It's very hard to approach one another from both gender perspective specially when there is no Muslim women in schoo or at uni or at workplace .

So they're a limited on their options how to find partners from the same religion.

I'm almost certainly will have to find partner through family connections and from overseas.

Life is short so after few months it relation not going well then both can move on.

Even in the communities, its very hard to interact with muslims women because fear of people thoughts.

Plus, in communities there is complications such some families may not get along well.

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Guest Hasan
2 hours ago, Meedy said:

Even in the communities, its very hard to interact with muslims women because fear of people thoughts.

Plus, in communities there is complications such some families may not get along well.

You guys would recommend searching for someone from outside our local mosque community? 

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2 hours ago, Guest Hasan said:

You guys would recommend searching for someone from outside our local mosque community? 

It depends on your circumstances and situations. If family or you unable to find from local community then what choice do you have. Either find one yourself or try outside local community or relatives.

E.g In my situation, searching outside local community or even local community is still hard because you/family need to have connections, its hard if you don't. Plus I don't have many close relatives. Further when going to the community, a lot of people know each (All Ages) but if you don't, its hard because its like trying to fit in just like school, uni or work.

So my only option is for family to communicate with relatives in Iran to find person that would be interested in possible chance of marriage.

I tell myself I am over it, if it happens, it happens, if not then its not meant to be. I don't know anymore :(

 

12 hours ago, Guest Outsider said:

 Why do you guys marry after only talking for a few months sometimes

I suppose its to make relationship official, so if they want to do to certain activities, its permissible.

Also if it takes longer time, perhaps the feeling towards each other may decrease

I apologize to everyone if I am wrong. Its perhaps my thoughts or feelings about my situations.

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  • Advanced Member
16 hours ago, Guest Outsider said:

Hello all. I'm not Muslim but I was just wondering why the practice of arranged marriages is still a thing? I'm not talking about forced marriages, I know those are different and not allowed. I mean marriages where parents set their kids up with other singles, and then they get married without any real emotional connection? 

So I guess it's a 2 part question

1) Why don't some Muslims find their partners on their own at school, work, online, etc instead of relying on parents?

2) Why do you guys marry after only talking for a few months sometimes 

No hate at all just curious:)

Hello. One key difference between our societies is that in ours everybody knows everyone, and reputations are very big. Once I visited the Middle East and was surprised when my friend was able to name everyone as we were walking through town and he could give me little tid-bits of information about them. Conversely, I've been living in my town for like 16 years now and everyone is a stranger. So if a parent recommends somebody, it's only because they already know quite a bit about the person in terms of character, level of piety, habits, what sort of friends they have, what their work is, etc. And so the process is unlike yours. We already know, crystal clear, what we want and it doesn't take 2 years to figure out if the bachelor really is what we're looking for. I think that in the west people don't really think in the same way as us. Few people have solidly defined personal principles. So as they navigate their way through the process of finding a spouse, their only criteria is for the considered to treat them properly. The two years that they spend is to see if this person actually is nice and a decent person.

And I think if we look at the bigger picture there are a lot of similarities. Westerners have the same goal in mind: Marriage. People don't date unless they think the person they are with has real potential to eventually be their spouse. Nobody wants to waste their time. As far as I'm concerned it's their version of engagement. We're just more clear about our intentions and goals.

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2) Why do you guys marry after only talking for a few months sometimes 

I could say that others get married way faster than us. They go on dates, commit to each other, have sex, move in together, share finances, have a kid, etc, except they don't call it a marriage when it's no different than one.

I think there are more similarities than differences with our approaches, the difference is how we label specific processes. 

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18 hours ago, Guest Outsider said:

1) Why don't some Muslims find their partners on their own at school, work, online, etc instead of relying on parents?

They can, but unfortunately in several communities when it comes to girls, they cannot, and is deemed as shameful. They forget that Khadijah(عليه السلام) herself proposed to the Holy Prophet (sawas), but if a woman were to do that in this day and age then it would be unacceptable. In fact Islam does not prohibit a Muslim, male or female to find their partners but there are certain limits and boundaries (which includes not being alone together).

 

18 hours ago, Guest Outsider said:

2) Why do you guys marry after only talking for a few months sometimes 

Love at first sight.

I don't know, sometimes even non Muslims marry after talking for a few months. It just depends on the two and how they work it out for themselves. 

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