List of personality traits to look for in a spouse

[Guest Nurse]

Brother @Meedy suggested starting a list of personality traits that one might look for/avoid in a spouse. These are not related to religion but are more surface level. For example: tidy/messy, chatty/quiet, patient/impatient, adventurous/homebody, clever/foolish, flexible/rigid, hot/cool headed

Any others? 

[Guest]

There is just one that makes all the difference in my opinion - integrity.

[Meedy]

Hmm some of other things i can think of. House duties,cooking, social (e.g likes to hang out with her friends then how much is good or bad), family relation/relative, her view on ensuring kids being muslim(some may not care at all), her influences or who she look up to, 

 

[inneedofprayers]

For me the most important are:

1) mental combability ;  2) patience; and 3) open-mindedness

[Khurasani]

for me it is

1) smart 2) calm 3) feminine

[313_Waiter]

فَاسأَلوا أَهلَ الذِّكرِ إِن كُنتُم لا تَعلَمونَ
Ask the People of the Reminder [the Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام)] if you do not know. (16:43 and 21:7)

 

(Note: although a lot of these are graded weak, they may still be helpful in allowing one to judge the time of wife one should marry. For husband-selection hopefully another member can post something.)

 

1- عِدَّةٌ مِنْ أَصْحَابِنَا عَنْ سَهْلِ بْنِ زِيَادٍ عَنْ عَلِيِّ بْنِ أَسْبَاطٍ عَنْ عَمِّهِ يَعْقُوبَ بْنِ سَالِمٍ عَنْ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ مُسْلِمٍ قَالَ قَالَ أَبُو جَعْفَرٍ (عَلَيْهِ السَّلام) أَتَى رَجُلٌ النَّبِيَّ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَآلِه) يَسْتَأْمِرُهُ فِي النِّكَاحِ فَقَالَ لَهُ رَسُولُ اللهِ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَآلِه) انْكِحْ وَعَلَيْكَ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ.

1. A number of our people have narrated from Sahl ibn Ziyad from Ali ibn Asbat from his uncle Ya’qub ibn Salim from Muhammad ibn Muslim who has said the following: “Abu Ja‘far, ‘Alayhi al-Salam, has said, ‘Once a man came to the Holy Prophet, O Allah, grant compensation to Muhammad and his family worthy of their services to Your cause, requesting instruction for getting married. The Messenger of Allah said to him, ‘You must marry one who is religious beyond questions.’” 

Grading: 

Allamah Baqir al-Majlisi: ضعيف على المشهور  - Mir‘at al ‘Uqul Fi Sharh Akhbar Al al Rasul (0/23)

source: Al Kafi V 5 https://thaqalayn.net/chapter/5/3/13

 

3- عَلِيُّ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ عَنْ أَبِيهِ وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ إِسْمَاعِيلَ عَنِ الْفَضْلِ بْنِ شَاذَانَ جَمِيعاً عَنِ ابْنِ أَبِي عُمَيْرٍ عَنْ هِشَامِ بْنِ الْحَكَمِ عَنْ أَبِي عَبْدِ اللهِ (عَلَيْهِ السَّلام) قَالَ إِذَا تَزَوَّجَ الرَّجُلُ الْمَرْأَةَ لِجَمَالِهَا أَوْ مَالِهَا وُكِلَ إِلَى ذَلِكَ وَإِذَا تَزَوَّجَهَا لِدِينِهَا رَزَقَهُ اللهُ الْجَمَالَ وَالْمَالَ. 

3. Ali ibn Ibrahim has narrated from his father from and Muhammad ibn ‘Isma’il has narrated from al-Fadl ibn Shadhan from all from ibn abu ‘Umayr from Hisham ibn al-Hakam who has said the following: “Abu ‘Abd Allah, Alayhi al-Salam, has said, ‘If one marries a woman for the sake of her beauty or wealth he will be left alone with such things; but if one marries for the sake of her religion, Allah provides him beauty and wealth.’” 

Grading: 

Allamah Baqir al-Majlisi: مرسل  - Mir‘at al ‘Uqul Fi Sharh Akhbar Al al Rasul (0/23)

Source: Al Kafi v 5 https://thaqalayn.net/chapter/5/3/13

 

3- وَبِإِسْنَادِهِ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَآلِه) أَنْكِحُوا الأكْفَاءَ وَانْكِحُوا فِيهِمْ وَاخْتَارُوا لِنُطَفِكُمْ.

3. Through the same chain of narrators as that of the previous Hadith the following is narrated: “The Messenger of Allah has said, ‘Get married but the party must be a proper match, so marry from them (proper matches) and choose (proper environment) for your seeds.’” 

Grading: 

Allamah Baqir al-Majlisi: ضعيف  - Mir‘at al ‘Uqul Fi Sharh Akhbar Al al Rasul (20/22)

Source: Al Kafi v 5 Ch. Choosing a Wife H 3 https://thaqalayn.net/chapter/5/3/12

 

Hadith #1

1- عِدَّةٌ مِنْ أَصْحَابِنَا عَنْ سَهْلِ بْنِ زِيَادٍ وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ يَحْيَى عَنْ أَحْمَدَ بْنِ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ عِيسَى وَعَلِيُّ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ عَنْ أَبِيهِ جَمِيعاً عَنِ الْحَسَنِ بْنِ مَحْبُوبٍ عَنْ عَلِيِّ بْنِ رِئَابٍ عَنْ أَبِي حَمْزَةَ قَالَ سَمِعْتُ جَابِرَ بْنَ عَبْدِ اللهِ يَقُولُ كُنَّا عِنْدَ النَّبِيِّ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَآلِه) فَقَالَ إِنَّ خَيْرَ نِسَائِكُمُ الْوَلُودُ الْوَدُودُ الْعَفِيفَةُ الْعَزِيزَةُ فِي أَهْلِهَا الذَّلِيلَةُ مَعَ بَعْلِهَا الْمُتَبَرِّجَةُ مَعَ زَوْجِهَا الْحَصَانُ عَلَى غَيْرِهِ الَّتِي تَسْمَعُ قَوْلَهُ وَتُطِيعُ أَمْرَهُ وَإِذَا خَلا بِهَا بَذَلَتْ لَهُ مَا يُرِيدُ مِنْهَا وَلَمْ تَبَذَّلْ كَتَبَذُّلِ الرَّجُلِ.

1. A number of our people have narrated from Sahl ibn Ziyad and Muhammad ibn Yahya has narrated from Ahmad ibn ‘Isa and Ali ibn Ibrahim has narrated from his father from all from al-Hassan ibn Mahbub from Ali ibn Ri’ab from abu Hamzah who has said the following: “I once heard Jabir ibn ‘Abd Allah saying, ‘Once we were with the Holy Prophet, O Allah, grant compensation to Muhammad and his family worthy of their services to Your cause, when he said, “The best of your women are the child bearing, loving and chaste who are dear at home, humble with her husband, showing her beauty to her husband, fortressed from strangers, who listens to his words and obeys his orders and in private offers to him what he wants and she does not display vulgar manners as man does.’”” 

Grading: 

Allamah Baqir al-Majlisi: صحيح  - Mir‘at al ‘Uqul Fi Sharh Akhbar Al al Rasul (0/10)
https://thaqalayn.net/chapter/5/3/4
 

5- عِدَّةٌ مِنْ أَصْحَابِنَا عَنْ أَحْمَدَ بْنِ مُحَمَّدٍ الْبَرْقِيِّ عَنْ إِسْمَاعِيلَ بْنِ مِهْرَانَ عَنْ سُلَيْمَانَ الْجَعْفَرِيِّ عَنْ أَبِي الْحَسَنِ الرِّضَا (عَلَيْهِ السَّلام) قَالَ قَالَ أَمِيرُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ (عَلَيْهِ السَّلام) خَيْرُ نِسَائِكُمُ الْخَمْسُ قِيلَ يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ وَمَا الْخَمْسُ قَالَ الْهَيِّنَةُ اللَّيِّنَةُ الْمُؤَاتِيَةُ الَّتِي إِذَا غَضِبَ زَوْجُهَا لَمْ تَكْتَحِلْ بِغُمْضٍ حَتَّى يَرْضَى وَإِذَا غَابَ عَنْهَا زَوْجُهَا حَفِظَتْهُ فِي غَيْبَتِهِ فَتِلْكَ عَامِلٌ مِنْ عُمَّالِ اللهِ وَعَامِلُ اللهِ لا يَخِيبُ.

5. A number of our people have narrated from Ahmad ibn Muhammad from al-Barqiy from ‘Isma’il ibn Mehran from Sulayman al- Ja‘fariy who has said the following: “Abu al-Hassan al-Rida’, ‘Alayhi al-Salam, has said that ’Amir al-Mu’minin, ‘Alayhi al-Salam, has said, ‘The best of your women are five.’ It was asked, ‘O ’Amir al-Mu’minin what kind of five are they?’ He (the Imam) replied, ‘Simple, nice and suitable, when her husband becomes angry, does not neglect him until he is pleased, and when he is absent she protects him in his absence and that is a worker from Allah and the worker from Allah does not fail.’” 

Grading: 

Allamah Baqir al-Majlisi: صحيح  - Mir‘at al ‘Uqul Fi Sharh Akhbar Al al Rasul (0/12)

https://thaqalayn.net/chapter/5/3/4
 

6- وَعَنْهُ عَنْ أَبِيهِ عَنْ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ سِنَانٍ عَنْ بَعْضِ رِجَالِهِ قَالَ قَالَ أَبُو عَبْدِ اللهِ (عَلَيْهِ السَّلام) خَيْرُ نِسَائِكُمُ الطَّيِّبَةُ الرِّيحِ الطَّيِّبَةُ الطَّبِيخِ الَّتِي إِذَا أَنْفَقَتْ أَنْفَقَتْ بِمَعْرُوفٍ وَإِذَا أَمْسَكَتْ أَمْسَكَتْ بِمَعْرُوفٍ فَتِلْكَ عَامِلٌ مِنْ عُمَّالِ اللهِ وَعَامِلُ اللهِ لا يَخِيبُ وَلا يَنْدَمُ.

6. It is narrated from the narrator of the previous Hadith from Muhammad ibn Sinan from certain persons of his people who has said the following: “Abu ‘Abd Allah, ‘Alayhi al-Salam, has said, ‘The best of your women are those who smell nice, cook nice and when spending she spends what is proper and withholds what is proper. That is a worker from Allah and a worker from Allah does not fail or become regretful.’” 

Grading: 

Allamah Baqir al-Majlisi: ضعيف على المشهور  - Mir‘at al ‘Uqul Fi Sharh Akhbar Al al Rasul (20/12)
https://thaqalayn.net/chapter/5/3/4

1- عِدَّةٌ مِنْ أَصْحَابِنَا عَنْ سَهْلِ بْنِ زِيَادٍ وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ يَحْيَى عَنْ أَحْمَدَ بْنِ مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلِيُّ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ عَنْ أَبِيهِ جَمِيعاً عَنِ ابْنِ مَحْبُوبٍ عَنْ عَلِيِّ بْنِ رِئَابٍ عَنْ أَبِي حَمْزَةَ عَنْ جَابِرِ بْنِ عَبْدِ اللهِ قَالَ سَمِعْتُهُ يَقُولُ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَآلِه) أَلا أُخْبِرُكُمْ بِشِرَارِ نِسَائِكُمْ الذَّلِيلَةُ فِي أَهْلِهَا الْعَزِيزَةُ مَعَ بَعْلِهَا الْعَقِيمُ الْحَقُودُ الَّتِي لا تَوَرَّعُ مِنْ قَبِيحٍ الْمُتَبَرِّجَةُ إِذَا غَابَ عَنْهَا بَعْلُهَا الْحَصَانُ مَعَهُ إِذَا حَضَرَ لا تَسْمَعُ قَوْلَهُ وَلا تُطِيعُ أَمْرَهُ وَإِذَا خَلا بِهَا بَعْلُهَا تَمَنَّعَتْ مِنْهُ كَمَا تَمَنَّعُ الصَّعْبَةُ عَنْ رُكُوبِهَا لا تَقْبَلُ مِنْهُ عُذْراً وَلا تَغْفِرُ لَهُ ذَنْباً.

1. A number of our people have narrated from Sahl ibn Ziyad and Muhammad ibn Yahya has narrated from Ahmad ibn Muhammad and Ali ibn Ibrahim has narrated from his father all from ibn Mahbub from ibn Ri’ab from abu Hamzah from Jabir who has said the following: “I once heard abu ‘Abd Allah, ‘Alayhi al-Salam, saying that the Messenger of Allah, O Allah, grant compensation to Muhammad and his family worthy of their services to Your cause, has said, ‘If you like I can tell you who are of the worst kind of your women. She is the one who is undignified in her family, flattered by her husband, barren, spiteful, who does not abstain from indecency, roams around to show off in the absence of her husband and very reserved when her husband is present. She does not listen to his words and does not obey his orders and in private she refuses to yield to him like recalcitrant animal who refuses to allow riding. She does not accept any of his excuses and does not forgive any of his sins.’” 

Grading: 

Allamah Baqir al-Majlisi: صحيح  - Mir‘at al ‘Uqul Fi Sharh Akhbar Al al Rasul (0/12)

https://thaqalayn.net/chapter/5/3/5

 

2- عِدَّةٌ مِنْ أَصْحَابِنَا عَنْ أَحْمَدَ بْنِ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ خَالِدٍ عَنْ بَعْضِ أَصْحَابِهِ عَنْ مِلْحَانَ عَنْ عَبْدِ اللهِ بْنِ سِنَانٍ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَآلِه) شِرَارُ نِسَائِكُمُ الْمُعْقَرَةُ الدَّنِسَةُ اللَّجُوجَةُ الْعَاصِيَةُ الذَّلِيلَةُ فِي قَوْمِهَا الْعَزِيزَةُ فِي نَفْسِهَا الْحَصَانُ عَلَى زَوْجِهَا الْهَلُوكُ عَلَى غَيْرِهِ.

2. A number of our people have narrated from Ahmad ibn Muhammad ibn Khalid from certain persons of his people from Milhan from ‘Abd Allah ibn Sinan who has said the following: “Abu ‘Abd Allah, ‘Alayhi al-Salam, has said that the Messenger of Allah, O Allah, grant compensation to Muhammad and his family worthy of their services to Your cause, has said, ‘The wicked ones of your women is one who is barren, filthy, quarrelsome, disobedient, undignified among her people and honored to herself, reserved in the presence of her husband but shows others to be of great carnal appetite.’” 

Grading: 

Allamah Baqir al-Majlisi: مجهول  - Mir‘at al ‘Uqul Fi Sharh Akhbar Al al Rasul (0/13)

https://thaqalayn.net/chapter/5/3/5

 

عَلِيُّ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ عَنْ أَبِيهِ عَنِ النَّوْفَلِيِّ عَنِ السَّكُونِيِّ عَنْ أَبِي عَبْدِ اللهِ (عَلَيْهِ السَّلام) قَالَ كَانَ مِنْ دُعَاءِ رَسُولِ اللهِ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَآلِه) أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنِ امْرَأَةٍ تُشَيِّبُنِي قَبْلَ مَشِيبِي. 

3. Ali ibn Ibrahim has narrated from his father from al-Nawfaliy from al-Sakuniy who has narrated the following: “Abu ‘Abd Allah, ‘Alayhi al-Salam, has said that of the prayers of the Messenger of Allah, O Allah, grant compensation to Muhammad and his family worthy of their services to Your cause, was this, ‘I seek refuge with You, O Lord, against a woman who makes me become old before my becoming old.’” 

Grading: 

Allamah Baqir al-Majlisi: ضعيف على المشهور  - Mir‘at al ‘Uqul Fi Sharh Akhbar Al al Rasul (0/13)

https://thaqalayn.net/chapter/5/3/5

Edited February 19, 2021 by 313_Waiter

[AbdusSibtayn]

The one who has the best game stash and is willing to share.

Also, must like the same speakers.

Edited February 19, 2021 by AbdusSibtayn

[The Green Knight]

I will list just one.

- A true lover and follower of Muhammad and his blessed progeny peace be upon them all.

[Caroling]

So when I wanted to find a man, it was really important to me to find someone who was sweet and Americanized. Most 1st gen/naturalized citizens and 2nd gen Middle Easterners are still so... FOB. They have certain weird cultural practices that I don’t like, with weird beliefs, and mannerisms. Their temperaments weren’t exactly Americanized. They still cared too much about what degree “looked good” and fulfilling stupid expectations set by their parents. These people didn’t have many American/non-Middle Eastern friends and had trouble fitting in, so they had a lot of anger issues and were sort of in limbo, culturally-speaking.

The qualities I wanted in a guy:

- sweet

- caring

- empathetic 

- gentle 

- Americanized

- Lived for one’s self and not for “the community”

- honest 

- easy to get along with and someone I can have fun with

- saccharine personality

- someone who “gets” me

 

And thank God I found what I wanted in my spouse. It was really important to me to find a guy that I could see myself be happy with, not just settle for some dude that frustrated me but looked like Prince Charming to everyone else. I saw a lot of Middle Easterners get into unhealthy relationships and in the same breath wonder how non-Muslims were generally so satisfied in their relationships/thought their love was fake. 

 

 

Edited February 20, 2021 by Caroling

[Sirius_Bright]

Beyond Religion, the most important for a woman is she should be chaste and good natured. 

[Laayla]

Bismehe Ta3ala 

Assalam Alikum 

I read the hadith of Rasoul Allah of marrying a man with two characters 1) akhlaq and 2)religiosity.

My intentions to God was that I find a man with these two characters and I said to myself this is what Rasoul Allah advised and that's all I need.

Thirteen years later, I ask him to please accept me as his wife in the Hereafter  and I love him more than my children.  

Whenever a sister  wants to get married, I tell them may God send you a man who is just like my dh.  

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN ALLAH 

[Ain-Al Hayat]

My story is a bit different... I used to be a tom boy...(I'm still a one but not as prominent like I used to be lol) I hated Barbies, dolls and all that girly stuff ... I loved to play video games with my brother and joined the football club with him... there were only three girls so we used to play with boys... until I turned 12 and my mum strictly said no to my club activities... since then I always wanted to marry a person who would let me follow my passion and support me in my decisions and  play with me football lol that's what I used to write as a teenager in my diary...those days were the best:)

[Caroling]

On 2/20/2021 at 8:43 AM, Sirius_Bright said:

Beyond Religion, the most important for a woman is she should be chaste and good natured. 

Isn’t that obvious? But what about other qualities that are important? Someone could be chaste, good natured, religious, and yet, you might not get along with them. 
Looking good on paper is different than actually getting along as a couple.

The basics are choosing someone who has a good personality and is practicing. But there’s so much more than just those two aspects. Specifics are important, like knowing who you are as a person and knowing what you want in a romantic partner. What you like, what you don’t, what are red flags and deal breakers (besides religion). Otherwise, people should be able to marry any random person with those two basic qualities, but that isn’t how healthy relationships are.

The goal is to find a soulmate: someone who understands you and loves you deeply, someone who thinks like you do, and has some common interests and hobbies. I think Muslims have to not only focus on religious recommendations in finding a spouse, but know who they are as people to find the best spouse. 

[hasanhh]

On 2/20/2021 at 10:43 AM, Caroling said:

The qualities I wanted in a guy: [followed by dream sequence -ed.]

 "The gurl needs HELP.  Has Eidolon Affliction. Claims success."

Edited February 22, 2021 by hasanhh

[hasanhh]

On 2/20/2021 at 6:49 PM, Ain-Al Hayat said:

football club

American fooball? When l was in school, the high school had "powder puff football".

l never went to see it, but a couple of the gurls could sure tackle l heard. Not much with the forward pass, though.

[Sirius_Bright]

5 hours ago, Caroling said:

Isn’t that obvious? But what about other qualities that are important? Someone could be chaste, good natured, religious, and yet, you might not get along with them. 
Looking good on paper is different than actually getting along as a couple.

The basics are choosing someone who has a good personality and is practicing. But there’s so much more than just those two aspects. Specifics are important, like knowing who you are as a person and knowing what you want in a romantic partner. What you like, what you don’t, what are red flags and deal breakers (besides religion). Otherwise, people should be able to marry any random person with those two basic qualities, but that isn’t how healthy relationships are.

The goal is to find a soulmate: someone who understands you and loves you deeply, someone who thinks like you do, and has some common interests and hobbies. I think Muslims have to not only focus on religious recommendations in finding a spouse, but know who they are as people to find the best spouse. 

We all have different point of view. There can be 100s of quality. I only mentioned 2 most important from my perspective. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

On 2/20/2021 at 10:13 PM, Sirius_Bright said:

Beyond Religion, the most important for a woman is she should be chaste and good natured. 

 

On 2/20/2021 at 1:07 AM, The Green Knight said:

I will list just one.

- A true lover and follower of Muhammad and his blessed progeny peace be upon them all.

Wallahi'l Azeem, these two! These should be the compass for a young mu'min looking for a spouse; he must see to it that a prospective life-partner makes the cut here. The rest of the traits are peripherals.

Also, a humble submission from this non-entity with meagre knowledge- soul mates don't come ready-made. Marriage is also about compromises, sacrifices and stepping out of your comfort zone. One should be able to accommodate differences in personalities and tastes.

Wallahu a'lam.

[Guest]

[hasanhh]

8 hours ago, Sirius_Bright said:

We all have different points of view.

That is the advantage of debate and democracy. You never know when someone will say something you wish you thought of.

And that is my politically incorrect statement for the day.

[AbdusSibtayn]

2 hours ago, starlight said:

That's my Imam (aj)!

[Ain-Al Hayat]

On 2/22/2021 at 4:22 AM, hasanhh said:

American fooball? When l was in school, the high school had "powder puff football".

l never went to see it, but a couple of the gurls could sure tackle l heard. Not much with the forward pass, though.

Lol no. I mean soccer football