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In the Name of God بسم الله

Dealing with Rejection, and the Importance of Being Clear in Matters of Marriage

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Salam.

Yeh achi baat hai tumhne apnay apko bikarnay nahi diya, Agay jakay bohot takleefay ayegi zindagi mein. One has to remain strong to overcome all challenges.

As for rejection, the only thing that matters is trying. I've been rejected by so many women and families by now, at first it stings a bit but after that it doesn't matter. You just have to keep paddling on until you find the right person for you. I thought I found the right person thrice in my lifetime but they all turned out to be horrible choices which I'm glad didn't come to fruition. But know that things happen when we make them happen. So you should be proud of yourself that you had the courage and proposed to her, who knows one day she may or may not return but one thing I'll say is that any woman who only marries a man because he is settled in life is not worth having. A woman who takes the leap of faith and marries a man who is not settled, helps him become settled, shares in his journey of becoming something in life is worth a thousand women but these women are pretty rare. However, they are in abundance in the West for some reason. This is also one of the reasons why divorce rates are so high amongst Muslims these days, they marry a settled guy, XYZ happens, divorced. But if the same XYZ happens between a man and a woman who have seen their struggling days, no matter how much they want to divorce, they won't because they have seen those bad days together and were each other's support in those days so that's why their divorce rate is very low. I view it like this: People who assembled/built a factory together will cry and grieve over it if the factory gets set on fire until their eyes bleed and their hands hurt in lamentation. People who come in and buy the factory from day one without building it just shake their heads, don't think too much of the loss and move on to buy another factory.

Edited by El Cid
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Hi,

Remember God Knows better, there were probably reasons why God didn't want you together.

I've had few rejection experience and you know I am glad those rejection occurred. I think would've end up suffering more and end up in a mess. I know being rejected hurts, it takes some time to overcome (or get over it).

Its test of life, its a test to see how we handle rejections, do we fall in trap of Shaytan ? or we continue to strengthen our belief in God as God Knows better, God knows what's good for you and what's bad for you.

So It will be okay, Just keep Remembering God. :)

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Now it is true, when couples marry each other and pass through hardships they will love each other more. Despite the woman that marries her husband and he is already settled, has a house a job etc...

I think that a smart committed woman would marry someone that still have his future ahead of him cause the person who lives in the west and is unsettled is a temporary problem, since jobs are frequent and even the man who doesnt have a degree can still most of the time come up with working in something, have an experience and securing his future. Whereas in the middle east that's not true at all. Especially in Lebanon, and Lebanon is worth mentioning cause there are hundred of thousands of committed shias here that are facing this problem. The job market mainly favors christians here, despite sparse jobs and low salaries, and mortgage that has been suspended for 3 years now, etc... So basically you cant marry someone that gets paid 400$ (Minimum wage was way more but there is the currency crashing now) and there are no chances of promotion cause for example most companies are closing and local companies are mainly small and don't follow policies you find in multinational companies, or academia isnt finished cause the man left university to provide for his family for many reasons, etc...

1 hour ago, Sabrejet said:

As expected, she declined very politely. I am a struggling man after all, and no reasonable woman will want to marry me at this point in life.

So trust me you being a student is the least of problems and inshallah when the right time comes god will guide you to the one for you.

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2 hours ago, Sabrejet said:

 

As expected, she declined very politely. I am a struggling man after all, and no reasonable woman will want to marry me at this point in life. I basically lost a good friend in the process. She didn't block me like I asked her to, but I'm pretty sure we won't speak again.

I kept doing zikr during it all, asking Allah to give me strength and help me cope. I'm 100% certain that is the only reason I have the strength to sit here calmly and type this; otherwise I would have just lied in bed for days doing nothing. My heart didn't break like I expected it too, and with the help of Allah I'm doing reasonably well.

Shabash!!! You took it like a man, which sometimes men twice your age can't. :verryhappy:

Like someone said earlier,don't automatically think it was financial insecurity, there could have been other reasons not related to you. 

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@starlight @inneedofprayers the reason for rejection wasn't financial insecurity; don't mean to brag but Alhamdulillah, Mashallah our family is quite blessed in this regard :)

I was talking about my mental struggles and my struggles to complete a university degree, which she knows about. The reality of society is that those who struggle to complete a degree don't have a very positive view in society, especially if they have dropped out of one university before. If the father is an army officer, or civil servant for example, he will never agree to marry his daughter to such a person.

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2 hours ago, Sabrejet said:

I'll start with my little anecdote. In my first week of undergrad, I became interested in a girl in my class. She was polite, modest, well-mannered, and dignified. She was one of the few girls in class who covered her head. At that time, I didn't know she was a shia.

After a series of incidents, such as being placed in groups for class projects, we became tentative sort of friends, while keeping a reasonable distance. Overtime, I discovered that she was a momina, the love of Ahle Bayt was very important for her, and she took religion fairly seriously (a rare trait in girls these days.) We discovered that we had a fair bit in common, and we got along well. When universities were closed during the first wave of covid, we kept in touch, inquiring about the well beings of our families, exchanging innocent memes as a simple way to keep in touch etc. I decided I would make my feelings clear one day, and propose to her. I never got the courage to do that...

...until a few days ago. I decided that enough was enough. I had thought long and hard for years; I just wasn't sure whether I should propose to her directly, or wait for things to fall in place themselves. Left with no choice, I did istikhara. The answer was that I should just ask her for marriage directly, and accept the results no matter what they were.

As expected, she declined very politely. I am a struggling man after all, and no reasonable woman will want to marry me at this point in life. I basically lost a good friend in the process. She didn't block me like I asked her to, but I'm pretty sure we won't speak again.

I kept doing zikr during it all, asking Allah to give me strength and help me cope. I'm 100% certain that is the only reason I have the strength to sit here calmly and type this; otherwise I would have just lied in bed for days doing nothing. My heart didn't break like I expected it too, and with the help of Allah I'm doing reasonably well.

 

What are the lessons in all of this?

1- zikr works. If done sincerely, Allah will give you more strength than you think you have.

2- if you want to marry someone, it's better to just ask directly. If nothing else, it will help you grow as a man.

3- the advantage of istikhara is that you'll learn to accept bitter disappointments in life; you'll know that you made the decision keeping Allah's Will in your mind, and what happened was for the best. Maybe someone much better will come at some point in my life, and I'll thank God that things took course like they did.

 

I will add a few lines brother. Though from the posts I understand that she had not the same mindset as I am talking about. But it's certainly a truth in many cases

1. World is not the way we see. For instance, we think that being good by nature, by character and moderate in financial terms is enough. But no it isn't. 

2. There can be many factors for rejection. True and genuine. Might be some other person. Might be the will of parents etc.

3. There might not be any factor but just 'rejection'. The response what I recieved was: "You are the best, you are an example, you are really kind. My parents are always talking good about you. But I never thought of you 'that' way." Shocking is that I felt like a trash being thrown. I just wanted a one liner. A reason for rejection which I never recieved. So, sometimes woman just don't have any reason or silly reasons for rejection. And it can be a case with a hijabi religious woman too.

 

So, stay confident and calm. You are much bold and mature than many men actually. But you have atleast a reason to give it to your self. 

Lessons for all including me:

1. Just focus on your character and assess it in the light of Quran and Hadith.

2. Be kind because a kind attitude treats someone without expectations. 

3. Be straight forward like the OP. And if you get a circular argument like,

"I never think that way."

"I wish the best for you."

"Maybe, Allah has planned something better for you."

Just turn yourself away then. Because whatever you might do, she has formed a perception and she will never come out of it.

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Salam. If it makes you feel better (pain stings less when shared), I was also recently rejected too and I really, really wanted this person. Like you I blame myself, but we should use this pain as fuel to propel ourselves to success. Who knows what Allah has in plan for us, and what pains he has spared us from without us even knowing. Maybe the heavy responsibility of marriage would have had too drastic of an impact on our goals and ambitions. I can EASILY see myself giving up on half of my plans if I got a yes and I'd only feel a little bit bad. Maybe it's better for my future if I was single right now because I can focus on myself.

I have no doubt that whatever the case may be, it is a mercy from God. God helps everyone who knocks on His door, but we also have to PROVE our sincerity by working hard. We have to earn His help by working hard in school, taking care of ourselves, striving to be good Muslims, working at our ambitions. 

 

There's also plan B which is to wait until Imam Mahdi comes back so he can give us 4 wives each. It's important to have a backup plan in case the first one goes wrong.

 

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10 hours ago, yasahebalzaman.313 said:

 

I think that a smart committed woman would marry someone that still have his future ahead of him cause the person who lives in the west and is unsettled is a temporary problem, since jobs are frequent and even the man who doesnt have a degree can still most of the time come up with working in something, have an experience and securing his future. Whereas in the middle east that's not true at all.

Yeah, that part is true. However, "Muslim" women in the west and their families are sociopathic gold-diggers. They only see dollar bills in a prospective candidate for marriage, don't see anything else. They'd rather give their daughter away to a wealthy abusive man than give them to a well mannered guy who is not as wealthy. I have no respect for these so called Muslimas or their families anymore. Western women are far move loving, comforting and accepting than these aforementioned people. A majority of them aren't gold-diggers either unlike the sad state of Muslim women now who only want Bank balance, gold and silver, A big house, a SUV, A doctor degree. Nothing else. I did write a topic about this here:

People who argue otherwise are just not accepting of the truth unfortunately

In another topic, @Mohammad313Aliwas saying "Have we failed as a society" when it comes to marriage etc. I'd say yes, we failed a long time ago.

Edited by El Cid
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On 2/2/2021 at 11:52 PM, El Cid said:

Yeah, that part is true. However, "Muslim" women in the west and their families are sociopathic gold-diggers. They only see dollar bills in a prospective candidate for marriage, don't see anything else. They'd rather give their daughter away to a wealthy abusive man than give them to a well mannered guy who is not as wealthy. I have no respect for these so called Muslimas or their families anymore. Western women are far move loving, comforting and accepting than these aforementioned people. A majority of them aren't gold-diggers either unlike the sad state of Muslim women now who only want Bank balance, gold and silver, A big house, a SUV, A doctor degree. Nothing else. I did write a topic about this here:

People who argue otherwise are just not accepting of the truth unfortunately

In another topic, @Mohammad313Aliwas saying "Have we failed as a society" when it comes to marriage etc. I'd say yes, we failed a long time ago.

I always wondered why most western committed men like to marry from the middle east, maybe this is one of the reasons why.

But anyway i wouldn't settle for a partner that lives in the west who isn't religious, if a man can marry a western girl and make her commit before marriage then kudos to him. If the religious part in a man didnt matter to me i would have gotten married 4 years ago.

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On 2/2/2021 at 9:52 PM, El Cid said:

Yeah, that part is true. However, "Muslim" women in the west and their families are sociopathic gold-diggers. They only see dollar bills in a prospective candidate for marriage, don't see anything else. They'd rather give their daughter away to a wealthy abusive man than give them to a well mannered guy who is not as wealthy. I have no respect for these so called Muslimas or their families anymore. Western women are far move loving, comforting and accepting than these aforementioned people. A majority of them aren't gold-diggers either unlike the sad state of Muslim women now who only want Bank balance, gold and silver, A big house, a SUV, A doctor degree. Nothing else. I did write a topic about this here:

People who argue otherwise are just not accepting of the truth unfortunately

In another topic, @Mohammad313Aliwas saying "Have we failed as a society" when it comes to marriage etc. I'd say yes, we failed a long time ago.

Unfortunately I don't have the time (owing to a busy schedule today) to give a well rounded response to your post. But, I will add that matters are certainly not as 'black and white' as you have specified. It's unfortunate that you wish to generalise about Western women, and their respective families, like this. Are you therefore stating that Eastern families do not seek a financially stable male suitor from an educated household? I suppose the answer to that question may depend on the nature/stature of the socio-economic background one originally hails from even in the East. I agree that some women are 'wannabe social climbers', but then likewise, so are some potential male suitors in the West. Trust me, it goes both ways!  

Edited by Aflower
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We should not derail a thread. Especially one like this where a brother wants to share his pain. I would appreciate it if we got back to the topic at hand and discussed marriage rejection experiences and wisdoms.

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On 2/2/2021 at 4:52 PM, El Cid said:

However, "Muslim" women in the west and their families are sociopathic gold-diggers. They only see dollar bills in a prospective candidate for marriage, don't see anything else.

:shock: "Ohhhh, My Gosh . . . l'd never would have imagined that. Maybe l should have gotten this when my ex --may Allah -(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). punish her-- use to say, 'You're my husband . . . my brother . . . my uncle . . . my ATM . . .' ."

They do see other stuff besides the Big Only M: they ask themselves "can l show-off before the other gurls with him?"

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1 hour ago, inneedofprayers said:

 

 

1 hour ago, inneedofprayers said:
On 2/2/2021 at 4:03 AM, El Cid said:
On 2/2/2021 at 4:52 PM, El Cid said:

"Muslim" women in the west and their families are sociopathic gold-diggers.

too much stereotyping going on here! 

 

Stereotypes are not generated by an algorythm, but by frequent observations over time. Plus people imitate other people's behavior.

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28 minutes ago, guest 2025 said:

We should not derail a thread.

Was this meant for me? I guess so. Well my point was to keep things light. I know it hurts but you can't take everything in life this seriously and stay sane. 

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQcnswz_98DgnGbdxzWCLK

44 minutes ago, guest 2025 said:

discussed marriage rejection experiences and wisdoms

Lolz, I have something to share which would give the guys a woman's perspective but it's personal so I don't know..I will think about it. 

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55 minutes ago, hasanhh said:

"can l show-off before the other gurls with him?"

My ex was like that. She actually pressured me to tell me every single thing I've achieved in my rather "mediocre life" (her words). She then made me give up all my social media passwords, so she could update my bio herself, adding some spice, and showing it off to her close friends.

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2 hours ago, Sabrejet said:

My ex was like that. She actually pressured me to tell me every single thing I've achieved in my rather "mediocre life" (her words). She then made me give up all my social media passwords, so she could update my bio herself, adding some spice, and showing it off to her close friends.

Now you know one reason l refer to tying-the-noose as getting 'marred.'

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1 hour ago, starlight said:

Lol, okay. So I slept on it, literally (and then did an istikhara in the morning to get an opinion whether I should write this here or not :p so please don't be very harsh with your comments) I was very hesitant talking about this but 

a. I needed to vent and get some good advice 

b. After I saw this thread I felt maybe a woman's perspective could be helpful to some brothers

So here goes, 

A couple of weeks back I got a proposal. I am divorced. Due to some personal reasons I am not looking to get remarried. Normally I don't allow people to delve into my personal life (your SCers are lucky to have the privilege :p :p ) but the to few who do I make it very clear that ,'I am not entertaining marriage offers and I am not changing my mind about it so please don't even try convincing me'.

Nevertheless, there was a breach of my security protocol last month when this well meaning old colleague without taking my permission first gave some guy my details and contact. The conversation lasted around ten minutes and it was me repeating that I had no interest in discussing this and the intermediary set this up without asking me and him trying to sell himself. In his defense, he remained respectful throughout and has things all lined up for getting married. 

I am not someone who minces my words but with him I went an extra step because of his persistence. I was clear to the point of being rude when he tried telling me about his son from his first marriage and I cut him off abruptly telling him I don't care to know about your family because I am simply not interested in you and you are just wasting both our time. But he wasn't backing off, he completely ignored what I said went on rattle the details about his income, and his big new house and how much he loves his sister etc. I told him to never contact me again(in these very words) and next day he emails me asking he could get me a present for Hazrat Fatima(as)'s birth (What????) So to cut things short he isn't getting the message.I contacted the go between person and she spoke to him and he has calmed down a bit though at one point when he tried making one sided plans to visit me I did get so frustrated that I thought of asking brother @Abu Hadi of how to deal with him because an email still lands in my inbox everyday which I have chosen to ignore for now hoping this would be the end of this but if isn't...

So for the brothers here , when a girl/woman turns you down

1. Don't take it personally. You might tick all the boxes but still not be the right person for her. While there are general rules for a eligible spouse but each person has some individual circumstances too that might make a convetionally good person not an ideal match for him/her.

2. Her personal reasons for rejecting your proposal and that has nothing to do with you. Accept her answer with dignity, respect her decision and move on. Her reasons for rejecting you might be totally rational or they could be absolute nonsense. Either way it's her life and her decisions. If she is crazy enough to let a reasonable guy slip by you don't want her in your life anyway. Likewise if she is acting on personal whims she isn't worth it either.

3. Appearing desperate and pining after her makes you appear a loser in her eyes(talking about mature sensible girls here, not the drama loving ones who will turn your whole life into a drama if you end up marrying one of them)  It tells her you have very little self esteem and self respect and maybe few chances of landing a girl as good enough as her. So while rejection hurts and even if you had developed some feelings keep your emotions in check with her(you can cry on SC all you want :D though) if Allah has written her for you, nothing can stop you from marrying her but don't be obssesed with a mortal fallible human being, move on. 

4. And the last point is probably for my situation only.  Which ever way things go, act like a grown up and let things stay polite and respectful. I am ignoring his attempts to contact me for now but if he continues I might give him a piece of my mind in not so polite words, which will hurt a lot more than a simple rejection so don't drive things to that point or if you do be ready to accept the blame. 

 

Men know men like women know women. 

Tbh, that person is mad. You turned him down, you did the right thing and you had reasons for it. You said that it will never work out. So, fine. If he is sane then he would not try to comeback. He would feel humiliated after sometime and then he will go off. He might become better later like Imam Ali (عليه السلام) says:

46. Amir al-mu'minin, peace be upon him, said: The sin that displeases you is better in the view of Allah than the virtue which makes you proud. 

 

Or he might get into a wrong way, God forbid. 

I would have shared my side too but can't do that as it would be wrong to break a commitment. :)

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2 hours ago, starlight said:

Appearing desperate and pining after her makes you appear a loser in her eyes(talking about mature sensible girls here, not the drama loving ones who will turn your whole life into a drama if you end up marrying one of them)  It tells her you have very little self esteem and self respect and maybe few chances of landing a girl as good enough as her. So while rejection hurts and even if you had developed some feelings keep your emotions in check with her(you can cry on SC all you want :D though) if Allah has written her for you, nothing can stop you from marrying her but don't be obssesed with a mortal fallible human being, move on.

This is a well kept secret that few men know about; the average man doesn't realise this. It doesn't help that Bollywood movies/ local dramas convey the message that persistence and low-key stalking is the key :)

When this girl rejected me, I just replied with three words: "ok, it's cool"; haven't spoken a word since. I'm sure that's the main reason she hasn't blocked me yet...

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 @Sabrejet Thanks for sharing your story. I'm aware of another story (several others) that mirrors yours considerably, although still kind of different.

On 2/2/2021 at 3:45 AM, Sabrejet said:

What are the lessons in all of this?

1- zikr works. If done sincerely, Allah will give you more strength than you think you have.

2- if you want to marry someone, it's better to just ask directly. If nothing else, it will help you grow as a man.

3- the advantage of istikhara is that you'll learn to accept bitter disappointments in life; you'll know that you made the decision keeping Allah's Will in your mind, and what happened was for the best. Maybe someone much better will come at some point in my life, and I'll thank God that things took course like they did.

 

Personally I think istikharas should be a last resort, like if you just really can't make a decision then yeah go for it. But I've seen Molanas suggest that it's better to first try and make a sound decision yourself. 

In my opinion, here are some other important lessons/reflections which can be derived from these kinds of experiences, they're all kind of related:

1. Never compromise on following the holy shari'a. i.e., when we see a girl who we're attracted to, we might be tempted to violate the rules of Islamic social hijab. We might be tempted to impress her by means of socializing unnecessarily or humor. But this is the first mistake. Our scholars are clear on this: becoming friends (I'm not talking about business-like/formal/boundary-driven/professional/academic relations) or pals or lunch buddies or whatever else you want to call it, with non-mahram, is not allowed. Joking around, and I'm not talking about minimal formal pleasantries which might be said in formal and business settings, but like back and forth joking and bantering etc. is also not allowed  (Friendship - Question & Answer - The Official Website of the Office of His Eminence Al-Sayyid Ali Al-Husseini Al-Sistani , Chat between Male & Female - Question & Answer - The Official Website of the Office of His Eminence Al-Sayyid Ali Al-Husseini Al-Sistani).

  • It's these deadly friendly relations, especially ones which include frequent joking (sometimes coupled with emojis too) that make you more and more emotionally invested in her, especially if you already had a thing for her to begin with. But for what? There's no guarantee you're getting married to her and even if there is, until a marriage contract is done these interactions are impermissible. It becomes a vicious positive feedback loop. The more you have these impermissible interactions, the more these types of interactions and the attachment you have for the girl, increase. 

Ideally, the social interactions should be limited to what's necessary and should be conducted in a formal/business-like manner. However, don't get the wrong idea, having respectful discussions/dialogues for marriage purposes is definitely necessary. For more info see Chapter Six: Selection | Youth and Spouse Selection | Al-Islam.org (al-islam.org)

2. There are a few really bad (for lack of a better word) girls out there that will just use your company for fun or for "dil behla-ing". These are the girls we really need to be cautious of.

  • These girls are not serious, but just enjoy socializing with you. They will try and gain your commitment to friendship by acting all "sweet" (yuck) and sociable with you. These girls will friendzone you or even worse, brotherzone you. Guys who are nice but a little too nice while also being neglectful of social politics, especially when it comes to the opposite gender, or guys who lack social-politics skills and astuteness, usually fall for these girls. Also, the way these girls will interact and be with you, they'll be doing the same with other guys too and what's worse is that they might even be open about it in front of you. And it's also not uncommon for these girls to be carrying around some kind of emotional baggage which they developed after some rough past relationship. They will try and throw/project it on you for emotional support, acting like innocent victims. Naïve young guys out there, thinking themselves as some kind of brave knights, might try and support these girls. But in reality, they'll really just end up becoming their free emotional therapists. Little do these guys know they're wasting their time. These girls will really task and burden them. 

Alhumdolillah many of our sisters are not likes this. However, there are unfortunately a few who I'd say are, especially in the West.

3. The less time you waste the better. What I mean to say is that don't excessively drag some kind of relationship with a girl with hopes of eventually proposing to her. If you've done your homework on her and have decided that she is a suitable candidate to be your spouse, then cut the bakwas and propose/convey your intentions to her like a man. It's fine if it's through a medium, a lot of times it's better through a medium. (For more info on what I meant by 'homework', refer to the last book I linked earlier in this post).

4. Don't let emotions be your guide. Don't let serious emotions/attachment for her enter your heart before marriage. Before marriage, your guide should be your intellect/rationality/reasoning aloneIf not, then you may be blinded. 

12 hours ago, Sabrejet said:

My ex was like that. She actually pressured me to tell me every single thing I've achieved in my rather "mediocre life" (her words). She then made me give up all my social media passwords, so she could update my bio herself, adding some spice, and showing it off to her close friends.

The fact that she so lowly asked you that, shows she achieved nothing. God saved you brother. Alhumdolillah.

Edited by AStruggler
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3 hours ago, starlight said:

Lol, okay. So I slept on it, literally (and then did an istikhara in the morning to get an opinion whether I should write this here or not :p so please don't be very harsh with your comments) I was very hesitant talking about this but 

a. I needed to vent and get some good advice 

b. After I saw this thread I felt maybe a woman's perspective could be helpful to some brothers

So here goes, 

A couple of weeks back I got a proposal. I am divorced. Due to some personal reasons I am not looking to get remarried. Normally I don't allow people to delve into my personal life (your SCers are lucky to have the privilege :p :p ) but the to few who do I make it very clear that ,'I am not entertaining marriage offers and I am not changing my mind about it so please don't even try convincing me'.

Nevertheless, there was a breach of my security protocol last month when this well meaning old colleague without taking my permission first gave some guy my details and contact. The conversation lasted around ten minutes and it was me repeating that I had no interest in discussing this and the intermediary set this up without asking me and him trying to sell himself. In his defense, he remained respectful throughout and has things all lined up for getting married. 

I am not someone who minces my words but with him I went an extra step because of his persistence. I was clear to the point of being rude when he tried telling me about his son from his first marriage and I cut him off abruptly telling him I don't care to know about your family because I am simply not interested in you and you are just wasting both our time. But he wasn't backing off, he completely ignored what I said went on rattle the details about his income, and his big new house and how much he loves his sister etc. I told him to never contact me again(in these very words) and next day he emails me asking he could get me a present for Hazrat Fatima(as)'s birth (What????) So to cut things short he isn't getting the message.I contacted the go between person and she spoke to him and he has calmed down a bit though at one point when he tried making one sided plans to visit me I did get so frustrated that I thought of asking brother @Abu Hadi of how to deal with him because an email still lands in my inbox everyday which I have chosen to ignore for now hoping this would be the end of this but if isn't...

So for the brothers here , when a girl/woman turns you down

1. Don't take it personally. You might tick all the boxes but still not be the right person for her. While there are general rules for a eligible spouse but each person has some individual circumstances too that might make a convetionally good person not an ideal match for him/her.

2. Her personal reasons for rejecting your proposal and that has nothing to do with you. Accept her answer with dignity, respect her decision and move on. Her reasons for rejecting you might be totally rational or they could be absolute nonsense. Either way it's her life and her decisions. If she is crazy enough to let a reasonable guy slip by you don't want her in your life anyway. Likewise if she is acting on personal whims she isn't worth it either.

3. Appearing desperate and pining after her makes you appear a loser in her eyes(talking about mature sensible girls here, not the drama loving ones who will turn your whole life into a drama if you end up marrying one of them)  It tells her you have very little self esteem and self respect and maybe few chances of landing a girl as good enough as her. So while rejection hurts and even if you had developed some feelings keep your emotions in check with her(you can cry on SC all you want :D though) if Allah has written her for you, nothing can stop you from marrying her but don't be obssesed with a mortal fallible human being, move on. 

4. And the last point is probably for my situation only.  Which ever way things go, act like a grown up and let things stay polite and respectful. I am ignoring his attempts to contact me for now but if he continues I might give him a piece of my mind in not so polite words, which will hurt a lot more than a simple rejection so don't drive things to that point or if you do be ready to accept the blame. 

 

I'm sorry that you had to deal with such people, and thank you for your perspective on this matter. 

 

Edited by inneedofprayers
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4 hours ago, starlight said:

a. I needed to vent and get some good advice 

From what you wrote, he likely has the conquer/win-her mind-set. Italian men -rightly or wrongly- have a notorious reputation for this kind of behavior. (Keep at her until she relents.) So again use the go between to deliver a message. lf he doesn't quit trying to contact you, you will file for a restraining order. 

lf he has half-a-brain, he will know that any chance of a 'good' marriage goes out the door when this is found in the public records.

Alternatively, use the mosque.

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13 hours ago, Sabrejet said:

She actually pressured me to tell me every single thing I've achieved in my rather "mediocre life" (her words).

At first glance it would appear that she wants to cut to the chase and doesn’t wanna waste time, Which is a good thing but if it’s for the sole purpose for showing off then she is a absolutely BLIND ! You should use that technic  in the future to save time. 

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