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In the Name of God بسم الله

In a mu’tah marriage and I’ve fallen pregnant.

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  • Veteran Member
36 minutes ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

I can only go by what I am being told due to my lack of knowledge which is why I’ve reached out. 
he’s 27 and his family have a business in the city. Lebanon is in an economic crisis as I’m sure you know so their business isn’t doing its best at this current time. 

Look sister, I feel really sorry about what's happening to you right now and some things I am not sure I understood well - like why is he no longer in the UK - so all I can do is tell you what I know about the country and it's people.

I think what's happening here is a case of a (young) man running away from his responsibilities (a wife and a baby), using the excuse of his mother and family reputation/business.

You know, the actual core of the matter is that

1/ he was not ready from the start to engage in a serious relationship since he underestimated all the possible outcomes

2/ everything he tried to convince you about (mut`a is legit, it is in accordance with my religion etc...), he actually cannot stick to it in his own social surrounding

3/ He probably is/was in a mindset where he eventually will marry from amongst his kin. This is reality check for him he cannot cope so he is lost. 

 

Best would be to sort things out together in the same place. Is he coming back or not? 

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4 hours ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

And to marry a woman without a hijab is haram

But he already married a woman without hijab and made her pregnant!! 

4 hours ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

what I am being told due to my lack of knowledge

Ask him to come on SC and and tell us what he is telling you. We could all do with some religious education.

Sister it's what @realizm said. 

And without mincing my words I am going to tell you something. It's going to hurt and I apologise for that but you need to know this.He married you just to satisfy his sexual urges. He never had any intention of permanently marrying you. Now hat you have fallen pregnant he is looking for excuses to get rid of you. Had you been practising hijab he would have come up with another excuse(my mommy says it's not right to marry women from West) Try it if you want. Tell him okay I am going to do Hijab starting today so let's make marriage plans and see his reaction.Mutah is marriage(please be very clear about this,no matter what he tells you) and he is now choosing to abandon his wife and child. 

He isn't the first man who has abused temporary marriage and used the excuse of social pressures to play(or prey probably) with a vulnerable woman but please understand this isn't Islam and not all Muslim men are like this. Please take care of yourself. Stop looking to him for support. His spine(if it exists) can't even carry his own weight,let alone be there for his wife. You are a strong woman. Finish that degree somehow, please don't give up your education. Move on with your life and leave Allah to deal with him. He going to have one helluva time trying to explain his version Islamic rulings to Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) 

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Dear sister OP: after reading a whole bunch of responses, I’m wondering if he ever correctly explained to you the nature of timed marriage (it is called timed marriage for a reason)? 
 

One of the literal translations of timed marriage (aqd muta) is ‘marriage for entertainment’ (lose translation but you get the idea). Muslim men and women engage in lawful timed marriages for various reasons, but mostly the reasons revolve around getting halal / sanctioned male-female companionship and all the beautiful things that come with it, and there is noting wrong with it because it is halal in the religion favored by God Almighty. If you read the rules of timed marriage in Islam, and the wisdom behind those rules, it becomes very clear that muta’ is not intended for reproduction, it’s for recreation for both the woman and the man, without being in the realm of filth and forbidden.

Although if the baby is born out of this marriage, baby is totally legit, and the rules of Islamic parenthood kick in. 
 

But when pregnancies happen (or even if they don’t happen but the muta’ marriages end at their due time), women mostly play it victim without letting it be known that their “real” intention was to make it permanent, but the man somehow cheated on them by agreeing to the original terms.
 

In reality they are the one who have been dodgy here without letting their “hidden” intentions be known, hoping - just hoping, that they would be able to impress the man enough to lure him into permanent marriage. 
 

Again there is noting wrong with this as most timed marriages start with the best intentions to make them permanent eventually, but sour loser sentiments appear once one party takes it strictly as timed, while other is thinking to somehow strong arm it into permanent.
 

I do hope that he explained all this to you. A Muslim woman would already know these things, but you coming from a non-Muslim background should had been coached by him beforehand. 
 

Like the rest of us, I don’t know 80% of the details between you both, but I sincerely hope he is not running away from his Islamic and human responsibility of a future fatherhood. Keeping you as wife is again a prerogative on the intention he had at the time of the “timed” marriage compared to your intentions versus what you agreed to at that time.  

Lastly many prayers for both of you to see the light of guidance and do what’s best for the three of you and your extended families. 

 

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On 1/27/2021 at 11:39 AM, Rosebeaulondon said:

I have received so many mixed opinions and paths to take. 

People's personalities often reflect in their interpretation of religion. E.g. a mean person will make a religion seem mean and a kind person can make a religion appear kind.

 

 

I have generally anti-mutah views that many members here don't agree with.

Edited by Muhammed Ali
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9 hours ago, starlight said:

He isn't the first man who has abused temporary marriage and used the excuse of social pressures to play(or prey probably) with a vulnerable woman but please understand this isn't Islam and not all Muslim men are like this. Please take care of yourself. Stop looking to him for support. His spine(if it exists) can't even carry his own weight,let alone be there for his wife. You are a strong woman. Finish that degree somehow, please don't give up your education. Move on with your life and leave Allah to deal with him. He going to have one helluva time trying to explain his version Islamic rulings to Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) 

Your advice isn't bad, but I think for the sake of the child, she should try to make both parents present in their upbringing. As much of a wimp this husband is, we don't really know what's going in in his head. If I suddenly got married and became a father at this point in my adulthood, life would have to go down a VERY different direction and that would extremely stress me out and make me act in an immature way. Though I don't say that to excuse him. OP can you give us more details about this man? How old is he? Does he have a degree and career? Why is he in Lebanon? 

 

9 hours ago, starlight said:

Tell him okay I am going to do Hijab starting today so let's make marriage plans and see his reaction.

This would definitely stick it to him and prove a point, but I don't think it's the wisest thing to do.

I would try to bring this guy back to the UK so you can talk in person, since it's a lot easier for him to ignore the problem when he's in a different continent. Maybe once he sees his wife face to face, and sees her bump, he'll feel a pressure to be a man.

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15 hours ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

Thank you for your message. 
 

I have spoken to him about your words and words from others and even found some sources to back up my words. 
he said that if he does something that does not follow his mother’s wishes, it is haram. 
And to marry a woman without a hijab is haram. 

I feel I am not experienced to go against his words. He has lived his life with his family and religion. 
how can I question his life’s teachings and upbringing. I can’t. 
 

I hope he will see the right path to stick by his child and me. We are constantly crying to eachother in the realisation that one of us will be without a family even if it means our family of 3. 
 

I don’t think badly of Islam at all. I know there are many aspects which are beautiful. It’s this situation and his families thoughts I’m not okay with. After a lot of messages from you all, it seems as though they shouldn’t do what they are doing. 

Doing something against his mothers wishes is haram IF (wait for the big IF) his mother's wishes are the same as God's wishes. If they aren't, then it's not.

A muslim man marrying a Christian women is not haram. Like others have said, you were husband and wife when the pregnancy happened. Therefore, the child is legitimate, in the eyes of God (which are the only eyes (figuratively) that count to a Muslim). He is the father of the child, and his financial, educational, and moral responsibilities toward the child are absolute, and neither he nor his mother can change that. This is irrespective of whether you decide to stay husband and wife or whether you decide to convert. 

There is only one legitimate reason to convert. It is based on two beliefs that you must have. If you have these beliefs, you should convert(to Islam). If you don't you shouldn't. If you want to become Shia, it is three beliefs. The beliefs are

1. There is nothing worthy of worship except Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). The word Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) simply means The God, in English, Capital 'T', capital 'G' proper noun, meaning the One and Only God, the God of Adam, Noah, Abraham, Issac, Jacob, Soloman, David, Moses, and Jesus Christ and Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon all of them).The Sovereign Creator and Maintainer of everything that exists. The Creator of Time, Space, and Existence itself, Glorified be He. 

2. That Prophet Muhammad is Messenger of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

And to be Shia

3. That Imam Ali((عليه السلام)), son of Abu Talib, is the Successor to Prophet Muhammad((عليه السلام)) and the Leader of All Muslims after him. 

If you believe the first two, you are muslim. If you believe the third, you are Shia. This has nothing to do with your husband or what happens with your marriage or his family. His family may or may not accept you, and your marriage may nor may not last, but regardless of that, if you act as a respectable person and don't reciprocate their bad behavior and put your child first and try your best to be a good mother, and keep seeking out a relationship with God, your life in this world and the next will turn out good and you will be gifted in ways you can't even imagine right now. You should make that your focus. With Peace. 

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1 hour ago, guest 2025 said:

How old is he? Does he have a degree and career? Why is he in Lebanon? 

27, family business, COVID economic crisis.

1 hour ago, guest 2025 said:

child, she should try to make both parents present in their upbringing.

Of course, that would be ideal but it doesn't seem to be happening.

Maybe I wasn't very clear up there but I am not suggesting she cuts him off from their lives, just that she stops relying on him. That way if he shows up good,if he doesn't she would be prepared to be own her own.

1 hour ago, guest 2025 said:

Maybe once he sees his wife face to face, and sees her bump, he'll feel a pressure to be a man.

I sincerely hope so, though in my experience this only happens in movies. Pregnancy is physically and emotionally the neediest time of a woman's life and there he is hiding behind mommy's apron. Excuses. Excuses.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • Advanced Member

Salam dear sister @Rosebeaulondon hope you're doing well and you have found a solution to your problems may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) guides you through this hard time. I hope you can update us .. if there is any progress... of course if you are willing to:)

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) protect you from any harm... Ameen

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