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In the Name of God بسم الله

In a mu’tah marriage and I’ve fallen pregnant.

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Good evening everyone. 
I am in a bit of a situation and I was wondering if anyone could advise or help. 

For over 1 year now I have been in a mu’tah marriage with the love of my life. He is Shia Muslim and I am Christian. I am slowly learning about Islam, falling in love with the faith and was looking to convert but not with a hijab as I will be disowned by my family. I know there are a lot of Muslim girls without. (I mean no disrespect by this.) 

He lives in Lebanon and I am from the uk. His family are very religious Shia Muslims and his mother said they will disown him if we marry with papers and I am without a hijab but my family will disown me if I wear a hijab but my family are okay with me converting. 
I am now pregnant. I have spoken to him and he doesn’t know what to do. 
both of us don’t know what to do. 
our plan was, I would convert, he would come to the UK and we would be married but with his mother and family disowning him we were going to end the relationship. 
We can’t bare the thought of one of us losing our family. 
So now with this child, are we allowed to marry and I am without a hijab? 
can he leave me? Does his parents now have to accept because there is a child?

Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. I feel at a loss and I’m scared to bring this baby up alone because of his family. 

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19 minutes ago, notme said:

In any event, the child is legitimate and he is obligated to provide and care for it, and neither of you is allowed to prevent the other from knowing the child. His parents can not override God's laws. 

Convert. Marry him. Wear hijab around his family and take it off around yours. You may find that you like it and want to wear it all the time. At minimum you can wear hijab in Lebanon and take it off in UK. 

I have spoken to him about this option but he feels like he is deceiving his mother and also his religion as following extremely strict Shia rules the men in his family have to marry a girl with a hijab or it’s not permitted. 

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Guest Naz

https://www.al-islam.org/ask/a-woman-gets-pregnant-during-a-mutah-marriage-that-was-kept-a-secret-and-her-husband-wants-her-to-terminate-the-baby-is-this-allowed

I think you need to speak to some scholar regarding to discuss this topic in detail,they can guide you better.

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11 hours ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

For over 1 year now I have been in a mu’tah marriage with the love of my life. He is Shia Muslim and I am Christian. I am slowly learning about Islam, falling in love with the faith and was looking to convert but not with a hijab as I will be disowned by my family. I know there are a lot of Muslim girls without. (I mean no disrespect by this.) 

Salaam sister ... first of all I'm really saddened to hear that ... what you are going through... being pregnant and then all of that stress... not a good combination at all

Hijab is not the issue at the moment ....the Problem is with the guy...he is aware of your condition...and he is not taking any action... His behaviour is irresponsible

11 hours ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

he doesn’t know what to do. 
both of us don’t know what to do. 
our plan was, I would convert, he would come to the UK and we would be married but with his mother and family disowning him we were going to end the relationship. 

Ending the relationship is not the solution... what about the child? He/she needs both... if both are alive ... 

11 hours ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

We can’t bare the thought of one of us losing our family. 

What about you two...are you not a family and soon to be parents? Have you ever thought about the future and being a single parent? Are you mentally prepared for all of this?

11 hours ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

So now with this child, are we allowed to marry and I am without a hijab? 
can he leave me? Does his parents now have to accept because there is a child?

Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. I feel at a loss and I’m scared to bring this baby up alone because of his family. 

Yes a temporary Marriage could be turned into a permanent marriage even if you stay a Christian but if you are interested to convert then Why not

Does his family know that you are pregnant?

Sister I would say you both should be together at that moment ...he should come to uk or you should go to Lebanon (depends on your consideration) and talk to his family personally... make them believe that you love their son and you are willing to convert... tell them you are pregnant and that's their flesh and blood as well ...the future of the child shouldn't be neglected ...and if you have separation ...I know you tow will suffer but at the end the child will be the one who will be suffering the most.

I hope you find a reasonable solution

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) bless you with a healthy baby and give both of your families Hidaya to accept your relationship... ameen 

 Waslam

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13 hours ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

with his mother and family disowning him

The disowning bit will last until the point you send her pics of the baby, especially if it is a boy.

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On 1/26/2021 at 5:25 PM, Guest Jan said:

He doesn't have to marry her.

He only needs to financial support his child.

This is what is wrong with our approach to religion. Over and over again you see people going by the "rules" without going by the rules.

Leave aside the hereafter, if he doesn't do the right thing, Allah will give him misery in this life.

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1 hour ago, Muhammed Ali said:

This is what is wrong with our approach to religion. Over and over again you see people going by the "rules" without going by the rules.

Leave aside the hereafter, if he doesn't do the right thing, Allah will give him misery in this life.

And this is why I have turned to this post. I have received so many mixed opinions and paths to take. 
abortion, marriage, becoming a single parent, conversion, converting and wearing a hijab but leaving my family. 
his parents and correct or his parents are wrong. 
I want to find an answer where I can fully justify my reasoning. I still don’t know Islam well enough to quote. 
my ideal would be to convert and create a loving family together like we planned within Islam. 

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3 hours ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

Salaam sister ... first of all I'm really saddened to hear that ... what you are going through... being pregnant and then all of that stress... not a good combination at all

Hijab is not the issue at the moment ....the Problem is with the guy...he is aware of your condition...and he is not taking any action... His behaviour is irresponsible

Ending the relationship is not the solution... what about the child? He/she needs both... if both are alive ... 

What about you two...are you not a family and soon to be parents? Have you ever thought about the future and being a single parent? Are you mentally prepared for all of this?

Yes a temporary Marriage could be turned into a permanent marriage even if you stay a Christian but if you are interested to convert then Why not

Does his family know that you are pregnant?

Sister I would say you both should be together at that moment ...he should come to uk or you should go to Lebanon (depends on your consideration) and talk to his family personally... make them believe that you love their son and you are willing to convert... tell them you are pregnant and that's their flesh and blood as well ...the future of the child shouldn't be neglected ...and if you have separation ...I know you tow will suffer but at the end the child will be the one who will be suffering the most.

I hope you find a reasonable solution

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) bless you with a healthy baby and give both of your families Hidaya to accept your relationship... ameen 

 Waslam

I do understand where he is coming from too. His mother has been sick for a long time and is getting worse. She relies on him more than her other sons. He is the youngest and takes care of her the most. 
it’s going to break her heart and he will lose them all which also breaks mine. 


I am actually a single parent now and I guess I should have known better but precautionary measures were taken both times and resulted in a child previously, so maybe it is gods way of telling me that I am to be a mother again. 
 

I wouldn’t be able to go to Lebanon. I cannot leave the country without the permission of my sons father. I am also a student nurse and qualify next year. The financial funds to support him won’t be realistic if my love comes. The visa requires me to earn £18,600 a year and I feel at such a loose end. It won’t happen until I qualify next year but now with a baby coming and a 4 year old, I wouldn’t be able to continue my qualification and maintain placement. 
 

I feel you are correct in me going there to see his family. Maybe this will help them see that I am being truthful with my words. Unfortunately his mother doesn’t speak much English and I know her religious views outweigh her thoughts. 
 

thank you so much for your reply. 

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13 hours ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

And this is why I have turned to this post. I have received so many mixed opinions and paths to take. 
abortion, marriage, becoming a single parent, conversion, converting and wearing a hijab but leaving my family. 

Converting: if you believe in the fundamentals of Islam, then yes this makes sense. 

Abortion: forbidden 

Wearing a hijab: if you believe it is obligatory and want to do so, then it makes sense. 

Marriage: you are both already married. Whether you extend this, switch to permanent marriage or end it is a decision to be taken together. However, there isn't really a religious justification for your husband to abandon you and your child.

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Guest Jhf

Salam alaikum

It is haram to disown your child for anything other than kufr. 

(As a sidenote, it is haram to disown your parents for anything whatsoever.)

Sila Rahim or maintaining ties with relatives is among the most important obligations and qat' Rahim or cutting ties with relatives is among the kabair or Greater Sins.(Sometimes, it is the parents that need commanding to the good and forbidding of the evil. This looks to me one of those cases.)

May God bless your family and bless you with Islam. You are welcome among the fold of believers. May God guide both sets of parents.

Amen.

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Guest Molana Laddan

Had no pregnancy involved, I would have suggested differently. 
 

As far as the decision to reversion to Islam, please don’t if you are doing it for the sake of your marriage and / or the baby.
 

If you truly have found God, His infinite love and mercy, and believe in the biggest of His bounties being the continuum of guidance (in the persons of prophets and Imams) that He gave for free, just like He gave you food in your mom’s tummy and shelter, O2, rain, and countless other things without you asking or deserving; then by all means accept Islam. This way you would cherish your religion even if (God forbid) the whole world abandons you to be on your own. 
 

As far as marriage, since you both have another life at stake here, do what’s going to shine in front of your God, not parents. Once you go in this mindset, hijab and other obligations would become non trivial issues in observance. 

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@Rosebeaulondon my prayers for you and your child to have health and continued guidance, and for your husband (if you are in mutah, you are married) to take responsibility for his child and his choices. 

If you need any additional information or support, please ask here on shiachat or I recommend al-islam.org for expert references. Don't convert for the sake of marriage, only if you are genuinely convinced, but I do hope that someday you do. 

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@Rosebeaulondon 

Salaam sister,

I see several points in your post which are straight forward and can be settled.

I am giving such an opinion so that you can come out of all the mixture of advices you have recieved.

Let's clear out those things which can be easily achieved.

1. Conversion to Islam. I don't see that you, your family or his family has any problem with conversion. So, do it.

2. Marrying him permanently. Yes, I don't see any problem over here too except some of them which are more cultural and not religious.

Now, comes the points of conflict

1. Hijab in your family:

Listen. Your family will disown you if you do hijab. So, don't do it in front of them. Islam has no problem here. Even in sharia it is okay to stay without hijab in front of blood relations. So, take it off. As it is in the scope of permissible acts. But don't do it anyhwere else. And you can also take it off if you have a fear that they will see you somewhere with hijab. In that case, I would say that tackle the situation wisely.

2. Uncovered in His Family:

Yeah. Don't stay uncovered in front of his parents. And as of your spouse feeling that 'He is decieving his mother'.

Talk to him and say that you are not decieving anyone. Be a Man dude, we are on truth and we are not lying to anyone. 

He might be hesitant because of his strict family but you can make calls and help him with that.

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) bless you sister, protect you and be your guide. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) secure your relationship in Islamic way with your husband. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you in resolving your problems. 

As sister @notmesaid, ask anything over here and you will recieve immense support. Don't worry. 

 

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19 hours ago, Zainuu said:

@Rosebeaulondon 

Salaam sister,

I see several points in your post which are straight forward and can be settled.

I am giving such an opinion so that you can come out of all the mixture of advices you have recieved.

Let's clear out those things which can be easily achieved.

1. Conversion to Islam. I don't see that you, your family or his family has any problem with conversion. So, do it.

2. Marrying him permanently. Yes, I don't see any problem over here too except some of them which are more cultural and not religious.

Now, comes the points of conflict

1. Hijab in your family:

Listen. Your family will disown you if you do hijab. So, don't do it in front of them. Islam has no problem here. Even in sharia it is okay to stay without hijab in front of blood relations. So, take it off. As it is in the scope of permissible acts. But don't do it anyhwere else. And you can also take it off if you have a fear that they will see you somewhere with hijab. In that case, I would say that tackle the situation wisely.

2. Uncovered in His Family:

Yeah. Don't stay uncovered in front of his parents. And as of your spouse feeling that 'He is decieving his mother'.

Talk to him and say that you are not decieving anyone. Be a Man dude, we are on truth and we are not lying to anyone. 

He might be hesitant because of his strict family but you can make calls and help him with that.

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) bless you sister, protect you and be your guide. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) secure your relationship in Islamic way with your husband. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you in resolving your problems. 

As sister @notmesaid, ask anything over here and you will recieve immense support. Don't worry. 

I will definitely be converting to Islam in the future for my own reasons, not for the marriage. 
I have said this about not wearing a hijab around my family and wearing one infront of his. 
he doesn’t like the idea. He said if we are out with my family and his mother facetimes or calls and asks for pictures, what will he do. Also when our child grows up and can communicate, will our child tell his family that I don’t wear it in my country. 

he said if there is a slight knowledge of me taking it off then that will be him out of his family. His family is known in lebanon for being high in Shia. His grandfather is very well respected and there hasn’t been 1 man in his family tree that hasn’t married a woman without a hijab. he would be the first and he will be a disgrace.
so this is the problem we are faced with. 

thank you so much for your reply. 

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Would your family care if you wore a "modern" hijab? It's the style that I see women in Iran and Afghanistan wear where half your hair is out. Also I don't understand how your family is okay with you converting to Islam, marrying a Muslim, having a Muslim child and family, but the hijab is the hill that they choose to die on? Can you explain to your more empathetic parent, alone, your dilemma and see if they can sympathize and talk to your other parent? If his parents are immovable iron statues, then I suppose the only option is to solve the matter through your parents. 

I would really recommend you come to some solution fast, even if it may be your family disowning you (but with the hope of them coming along eventually). Because there is a possibility of him eventually just ignoring this entire problem and leaving you to deal with this alone. You might have to make a sacrifice to ensure that your child is raised with both parents present. I think out of necessity, you're the one who has to man up since your spouse doesn't seem to be up for it. Think about it this way: Am I okay with losing some fingers to save an arm?

I'm not giving you a greenlight to go ahead and let your parents disown you, I'm saying that you have to make selfless decision with your child's wellbeing in mind.

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10 hours ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

I will definitely be converting to Islam in the future for my own reasons, not for the marriage. 
I have said this about not wearing a hijab around my family and wearing one infront of his. 
he doesn’t like the idea. He said if we are out with my family and his mother facetimes or calls and asks for pictures, what will he do. Also when our child grows up and can communicate, will our child tell his family that I don’t wear it in my country. 

he said if there is a slight knowledge of me taking it off then that will be him out of his family. His family is known in lebanon for being high in Shia. His grandfather is very well respected and there hasn’t been 1 man in his family tree that hasn’t married a woman without a hijab. he would be the first and he will be a disgrace.
so this is the problem we are faced with. 

thank you so much for your reply. 

This is not shiism by any means. 

I don't understand why he doesn't like the idea. What does he mean by facetime? Sister, please, this is not the way. I understand that being a good son is nice and important but you have your own rights. 

And what kind of Shiism is this? Why do you have to do hijab in front of your own family? It's absurd. Does his mother also do hijab, even while sleeping while staying at home?

I think you can manage all this. But literally sister, sometimes even you and your husband will also think about it as stupidity. 

"Doing hijab will take you out of family, not doing will take him out of family." Are the playing a game with your lives?

Sorry sister. I don't want to offend. But start your married life according to my previous advice and don't think much on this. Try to manage between both the sides. When you stay with his family, show your great levels of manners (Akhlaq) to them.

Hadith says that "manners (Akhlaq) attracts hearts." 

So, start your married life for now and build a good impression on his  family and support him to build a good impression on your family. 

If some mishap happens, handle it with knowledge. For Example, if his family sees you with out hijab in your family, say to them that : "In Sharia, Parents are my Mehram, so I am not obligated to do hijab in front of them." 

So, don't go into future. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will help and guide you sister in your problems. Think according to the situation today.

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) bless you. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) protect you. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) protect and nourish your child.

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2 hours ago, Zainuu said:

What does he mean by facetime?

FaceTime is an app on your phone where you can see the person who is calling you and you can see them. It's video phone call. His family could see that you @Rosebeaulondon are not wearing your headscarf. 

Edited by Hameedeh
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:salam:

Forget this 'family will disown him' stuff. 

Families especially in Lebanon do not disown their sons. Sure there may be a hard time waiting for him -not because of the hijab but rather because of the mut`a context which remains taboo- but things can work out if he mans up. 

How old and financially stable is he ? 

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On 1/26/2021 at 2:50 PM, Rosebeaulondon said:

can he leave me? 

You said he lives in Lebanon:

On 1/26/2021 at 2:50 PM, Rosebeaulondon said:

He lives in Lebanon and I am from the uk. 

He is not in the UK now? 

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On 1/26/2021 at 4:50 PM, Rosebeaulondon said:

His family are very religious Shia Muslims and his mother said they will disown him if we marry with papers and I am without a hijab

His family sounds absolutely horrendous and odious. They're ruining a beautiful and legitimate relationship due to their backwardness and confused ideas. 

Do not say or believe for a second that his family is "very religious." They're not. They're rather culturally dogmatic and cultural zealots. 

If you two can manage to live independently and raise your child in a warm loving family, do so. 

Parents, when they turn into grandparents, will learn to be more sensible and less stubborn. It may take some time, but most likely, they'll learn to come around. 

If you and your man have a good thing going on, don't lose it. You can work on the hijab issue at a later time.

One bearable change at a time. 

Edited by SoRoUsH
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6 hours ago, Guest guest said:

FaceTime is an app on your phone where you can see the person who is calling you and you can see them. It's video phone call. His family could see that you @Rosebeaulondon are not wearing your headscarf. 

Ohhhh. That I understood. It's not that I don't know the meaning.

But it was an argument and not a question. 

Is this a reason for parents to disown there child? Astaghfirullah. This is Haraam in Shiism. 

A Great Sin. Qat ar Rehm.

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq ((عليه السلام).) says:

“Beware of those who cut off relations because I have found them cursed thrice in the Qur’an.”

@Rosebeaulondon sister your marriage is in order. You accepted Islam. You have to respect your family too. If his parents are religious, they will never disown your husband. Because it is a great sin. So, go ahead and talk to him to come along with you and permanently marry you Inshallah.

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) bless you. Our prayers are with you.

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Cutting ties with family is haram, no matter what. It's not a matter to be taken lightly. This guy is definitely a coward, but what his family is doing is totally wrong.

I recall hearing in a majlis by a responsible scholar: apparently Mutawakkil held a play in which one of his courtiers played Maula Ali ((عليه السلام)) in a very derogatory manner.

His son, Muntasir, was furious; he asked Imam Hadi ((عليه السلام)) about the punishment for a person who slandered Maula Ali; Imam Hadi said the punishment for such a person was death. He then asked the punishment for a son killing his father; Imam Hadi replied that such a person will receive Divine Punishment from God Himself.

Muntasir decided to stake his life, and killed his father. Within a period of six months, he himself was assassinated as a result of such an extreme form of Qata ur Rahm.

Cutting ties with blood relations is a very serious offense in Islam, especially in shia Islam. It's something that carries divine punishment; observe people who cut ties with their relatives; they will see the results of their actions in this life.

If you read accounts of Badr and Uhud, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) often didn't allow sons to kill their disbelieving fathers, or brothers to kill brothers.

Anyways, I pray God will get justice for OP. Also sister, please don't think too badly of Islam as a result of this; the actions of this guys family are in no way or form condoned, and what they're doing is wrong.

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14 hours ago, Sabrejet said:

Cutting ties with family is haram, no matter what. It's not a matter to be taken lightly. This guy is definitely a coward, but what his family is doing is totally wrong.

I recall hearing in a majlis by a responsible scholar: apparently Mutawakkil held a play in which one of his courtiers played Maula Ali ((عليه السلام)) in a very derogatory manner.

His son, Muntasir, was furious; he asked Imam Hadi ((عليه السلام)) about the punishment for a person who slandered Maula Ali; Imam Hadi said the punishment for such a person was death. He then asked the punishment for a son killing his father; Imam Hadi replied that such a person will receive Divine Punishment from God Himself.

Muntasir decided to stake his life, and killed his father. Within a period of six months, he himself was assassinated as a result of such an extreme form of Qata ur Rahm.

Cutting ties with blood relations is a very serious offense in Islam, especially in shia Islam. It's something that carries divine punishment; observe people who cut ties with their relatives; they will see the results of their actions in this life.

If you read accounts of Badr and Uhud, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) often didn't allow sons to kill their disbelieving fathers, or brothers to kill brothers.

Anyways, I pray God will get justice for OP. Also sister, please don't think too badly of Islam as a result of this; the actions of this guys family are in no way or form condoned, and what they're doing is wrong.

Thank you for your message. 
 

I have spoken to him about your words and words from others and even found some sources to back up my words. 
he said that if he does something that does not follow his mother’s wishes, it is haram. 
And to marry a woman without a hijab is haram. 

I feel I am not experienced to go against his words. He has lived his life with his family and religion. 
how can I question his life’s teachings and upbringing. I can’t. 
 

I hope he will see the right path to stick by his child and me. We are constantly crying to eachother in the realisation that one of us will be without a family even if it means our family of 3. 
 

I don’t think badly of Islam at all. I know there are many aspects which are beautiful. It’s this situation and his families thoughts I’m not okay with. After a lot of messages from you all, it seems as though they shouldn’t do what they are doing. 

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23 hours ago, realizm said:

:salam:

Forget this 'family will disown him' stuff. 

Families especially in Lebanon do not disown their sons. Sure there may be a hard time waiting for him -not because of the hijab but rather because of the mut`a context which remains taboo- but things can work out if he mans up. 

How old and financially stable is he ? 

I can only go by what I am being told due to my lack of knowledge which is why I’ve reached out. 
he’s 27 and his family have a business in the city. Lebanon is in an economic crisis as I’m sure you know so their business isn’t doing its best at this current time. 

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6 minutes ago, Rosebeaulondon said:

he said that if he does something that does not follow his mother’s wishes, it is haram. 
And to marry a woman without a hijab is haram. 

But he already has married you! He has even consummated the marriage and produced a child! What does his mother think of that? 

Abandoning his child is haram and abortion is haram. As many of us have already said, neither marrying a woman without hijab nor marrying against his mother's wishes are haram. He is either ignorant or lying to you. 

But you can't control other people, only yourself. Please accept help from your parents, other family, and community. You loser of a spineless husband will pay on the Day of Judgment and you will be rewarded, but until then, you have to deal with his inability to be an adult man. 

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