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In the Name of God بسم الله

How to convince your parents for an early marriage?

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Salam everyone 

Most of you guys will know my story from my previous thread.

So the situation got really dramatic after I told my mum that I'm interested in someone from different culture background and that he is 10 years older than me.

She got angry and started blackmailing, like typical desi mum... the discussion turned into a long lecture :mod: and my Nani got involved too ...such a bad timing

She said this will effect my studies and that I'll become a housewife... according to her, Arab men has a lot ego- issues they can't see their wives independent ... I don't believe in those stereotypes ... anyways I don't know what to do

My mum told me to not talk to my father about this matter...

I'm really stressed about it... I never thought she will ignore my feelings like that .. I told her everything 

And the guy wants to meet my family ..... I'm stuck in a bad situation 

Please:help:I need some helpful advices

Waslam

 

 

 

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Salaam Sister, this is indeed an unfortunate situation. Parents should should encourage the early marriage of their children, especially their daughters. This is what the Islamic thing to do would be. Maybe try and kindly educate and explain to your Mom/elders the need for you to get married early, from a religious and secular standpoint too (how your peers all have (haram) partners and you wish to have a halal partner, brings you happiness and comfort, essential part of life, a female's biological clock and its prime time...and she's more fertile in the younger ages, and etc.).

Hmm let's wait and see what the older and more mature members on this site have to say.

I will pray that things work out well for you inshaAllah. 

Also, this book may be of a lot of help to you: Youth and Spouse Selection | Al-Islam.org (al-islam.org)

Check these too: 

1)

Advice from Ayatollah Sistani to the believing youth: Advice from His Eminence,Sayyid Ali al-Sistani (may the Almighty prolong his life) to the Believing Youth - Archive - The Official Website of the Office of His Eminence Al-Sayyid Ali Al-Husseini Al-Sistani

Excerpt from above:

  • Fifth: Try to start a family by getting married and procreating without any delay. Having a family is a source of pleasure and affability, a motive for hard work, a cause for sobriety and being responsible, an investment of energy for the future, and a defense against forbidden and lowly deeds. It has been narrated that one who gets married has attained half of his religion. Foremost, marriage is a necessary course of life and a natural human instinct. Those who abandon it fall into trouble and are inflicted with dullness and laziness. Do not be afraid of being impoverished by marriage, because God, the Glorified, has put many causes of abundance in marriage that one may not be aware of at first. Also, pay attention to the character of the woman you want to marry, and to her piety and discipline, and do not be occupied with evaluating her beauty, her appearance, and her job, because those traits are a veil that may be removed when life reveals its hardships. There are warnings in the Hadith against marrying a woman merely for her looks. Moreover, one who marries a woman for her piety and character will have a blessed marriage.

    Let young unmarried women and their guardians not favor getting a job over starting a family, because marriage is a necessary course of life, while a job is more of a complement to it. It is not wise to abandon the former for the sake of the latter. Those who do not understand this principle will regret it later in life when regret is of no use. Life’s experiences attest to this.

    Guardians are not permitted to prevent their daughters from getting married, nor are they permitted to put obstacles in their way using improper traditions not required by God, such as asking for exorbitant dowers or waiting for cousins and sayyids, because there are many sources of corruption in these traditions. God made fathers the custodians of their daughters only so that they counsel their daughters and choose the best option for them. One who confines a woman for other than her interest has committed a sin that endures as long as her suffering, and has opened one of Hell’s doors upon himself.

-Sorry don't mean to scare you haha, but tell them GOD's WORD comes first! Tell them your Marja' even said for you to get married without delay and that they can't be a barrier for that for no proper reason! Make sure you show utmost respect to them though :grin:

2)

Dialogue on Marriage - Jurisprudence Made Easy - The Official Website of the Office of His Eminence Al-Sayyid Ali Al-Husseini Al-Sistani

Excerpt from above:

  • Allah, the Most High, said in His Holy Book, “And marry those among you who are single and those who are fit among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from want out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, Knowing”. (24/32).
    In a commentary on this verse, Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq ((عليه السلام).) said, “Whomsoever steered clear of the road of matrimony for fear of bearing the extra burden of starting a family, he has thought badly of Allah, for He said, “Allah will make them free from want out of His grace”.
    * There is the problem, that has been created by some some families of would-be brides who make it difficult for prospective husbands. They spoil the chances of their daughters getting married by setting unatainable targets. They seek to appraise the suitability of the bridegroom against certain criterion that they deem befitting to their daughters. The result is that many a woman are left unmarried. This attitude, however, is not new.
    - It has been narrated that Imam Mohammad al-Baqir ((عليه السلام).) received a letter from Ali bin Asbat, in which he asked him for advice on how best he could give his daughters in marriage, because he could not find the right men for them. This was the Imam’s reply, “I took note of your letter regarding the situation of your daughters. Do not dwell on your idea, May Allah have mercy on you, because the Messenger of Allah ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم).) said: Whoever approached you with the intention of marrying, you should look at their character and piety. If these were acceptable, go ahead and give your women in marriage to them. Should you refrain from that, there shall be discord in the land and great immorality”.
    * At this point, my father left me to my thoughts, pondering the array of harmful social practices that our society has evolved. Such adverse social customs have nothing to do with Islam and its injunctions that recognize, above all, good ethical standards as prerequisites for choosing a husband or a wife.
    Soon it was time for my father and I to go to Ali’s wedding party.

 

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So, where there's smoke, there's fire.  And what I mean by that is that stereotypes come from somewhere.  But at the end of the day, they are stereotypes and typically only represent the extreme of a particular race/religion/culture/etc.

I don't know what your other thread was about, but just try to gain some perspective.  You sound young.  How much experience do you have in this world?  Even if your parents aren't very smart, they probably have a lot of experience in this world.  They've seen a thing or two.  And those experiences shape their current thinking.   Your experiences (or lack of) shape yours.  

Seek to understand their position, their thinking, and then present them with a logical thought out counter argument on why you think the way you do.  Come up with a concrete plan to convince them why you're right?

Tell them about all the temptations in this world and how it's good to marry young.  Show them examples of other young muslims that got married young and did well.  Or even non-muslims for that matter.  Talk to them about how you'll be able to continue your studies, even after marriage.  How you plan on supporting each other?  Or maybe neither of you have jobs and you'd need parental support through your time completing school.  What happens if you do have a child while in college?  What will you do?  How will you complete school with a child?  

Use logic, not emotion, and you'll probably make it farther.

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3 hours ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

.. according to her, Arab men has a lot ego- issues they can't see their wives independent ... I don't believe in those stereotypes ... anyways I don't know what to do

From experience I don’t disagree with this one. Not all but majority of them just have this massive ego filled with selfishness.

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4 hours ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

according to her, Arab men has a lot ego- issues they can't see their wives independent ...

And desi men don't?

4 hours ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

I don't believe in those stereotypes

There is a minimal amount of 'truth' in these, although portrayed in exaggerate form.

0kay, l didn't help. Give me some time.

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Posted (edited)

@Ain-Al Hayat Sister, what issue needs to be sorted here,is it that your parents don't want marrying you an Arab(or anyone from a different culture) or they don't want to getting married early? 

[Edit] Don't know why I even asked this because with typical desi parents, best of luck trying to change their opinions on either :dry:

They will try their best that you get a degree in STEM or medicine , then marry a desi who has a degree in STEM or medicine and hence give birth to desi STEMMY doctor hybrid kids. I hope your parents and Nani aren't the 'log Kiya kahenge(what will people say' type of people because then there is no getting around them.

Apologies if my advice is unhelpful but that's what my observation has been.

Edited by starlight
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Guest Spouse

Don't settle on him atm, just keep your options open. Even if he is interested, doesn't mean he's the right one.

Maybe your mum thinks that you wanna marry him. Do seek her advice and be like  "hey mum I'm just exploring my options".

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15 minutes ago, Guest Spouse said:

"hey mum I'm just exploring my options".

And this is supposed to be reassuring?? Her mum is going to freak out thinking,'she is telling me that she will be interacting with more men on her own for the purpose of marriage' 

My advice, don't say this. 

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6 hours ago, Quran313 said:

If I were you, I DEFINITELY tell my dad and plan about a day soon for the guy to come in and meet my family.

I don't think so...if it is hard to convince my mum...it will be more difficult for me to tell him....at least I need my mum's support

He will listen to my mum in this matter

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5 hours ago, coldcow said:

And what I mean by that is that stereotypes come from somewhere. 

Yap... there is an Arab family (but this man is uneducated .. really traditional) ....but they are extrem so whenever something happens... She just give me there example lol 

 

 

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5 hours ago, coldcow said:

Come up with a concrete plan to convince them why you're right?

So my plan was to convince my mum because this will help me to convince my father 

But now she is just ignoring me ... I wanted to talk to her and she just made that face :furious: ... maybe I should give her some time to digest that whole situation 

My Nani on the other hand ... started to give me a lecture about an early marriage and showing me some other options from her side of family lol ... after all this drama I was exhausted 

Quote

Tell them about all the temptations in this world and how it's good to marry young. Show them examples of other young muslims that got married young and did well.

I told them why I think I should get married now.. because I think I'm mature enough ... there are some young couples in our community ...they are doing fine ..and my mum knows this very well

Quote

Talk to them about how you'll be able to continue your studies, even after marriage. How you plan on supporting each other? Or maybe neither of you have jobs and you'd need parental support through your time completing school. What happens if you do have a child while in college? What will you do? How will you complete school with a child?  

The guy is financially stable...and I'm independent as well

For that I wanted him to invite to my house and have a talk with my family ...he agreed to this but my mum just being stubborn

4 hours ago, hasanhh said:

And desi men don't?

No according to my mum...desi are number one...the best people on earth lol

 

4 hours ago, starlight said:

Sister, what issue needs to be sorted here,is it that your parents don't want marrying you an Arab(or anyone from a different culture) or they don't want to getting married early?

Both, they want me to study...and I agreed on that all though I'm not interested in that what I'm doing 

But I'm doing this to make them happy and feel proud on me ..one day .. insha'Allahah

4 hours ago, starlight said:

then marry a desi who has a degree in STEM or medicine and hence give birth to desi STEMMY doctor hybrid kids

Loooool so true .... I wouldn't have minded to marry someone she wants me to.... but the thing is that's not possible now because I'm interested in someone else 

4 hours ago, starlight said:

I hope your parents and Nani aren't the 'log Kiya kahenge(what will people say' type of people because then there is no getting around them.

You can put them in that category but they are not that extrem

4 hours ago, Guest Spouse said:

doesn't mean he's the right one.

Exactly..... THAT'S why I want my family to have a talk with him in a humble and gentle and decent way... But the main Problem is they don't want to meet him

4 hours ago, Guest Spouse said:

"hey mum I'm just exploring my options".

Do you want her to slap me lol

 

4 hours ago, Guest Spouse said:

Maybe your mum thinks that you wanna marry him.

Exactly... that's what I said to her... that I'm serious and she should inquiry about him 

4 hours ago, starlight said:

My advice, don't say this. 

Absolutely right

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Sadly this is a major generational problem in our era which says: study first, marry later. The same generation also tends to look for different factors in spouses than what islam has specified. 

Like you mentioned, you are facing the struggle of wanting to marry at an age which is earlier than what your parents had in mind and you also want to marry someone from another culture.

How you convince them depends on their references. If they refer to religious texts, then we have narrations on this topic. If they refer to ulema, we have their guidelines. If they refer to religious speakers, even there most have addressed this topic.

Unfortunately another generational issue is that many don't refer to anything at all except social conventions. 

At this stage you have two options:

1. The disruptive option: persist, insist, resist (can be discussed in more detail if you choose this option)

2. The peaceful option: drop the idea and give up. Maybe this prompts your mother to start looking for potential spouses for you now that she knows it's on your mind. 

 

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3 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

At this stage you have two options:

I don't want to hurt my parents ...but is there no other options 

I don't want to force my mum ... I talked to her ..now I want to give her some time ... I hope she thinks about this

4 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

drop the idea and give up.

That's not easy ... :cry: I think I'm stuck right in the middle... I can't move forward nor go back

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7 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

The disruptive option: persist, insist, resist (can be discussed in more detail if you choose this option)

Before you embark on this option make sure the guy is on the same page as you. No point creating friction at home and finding out later that he isn't comfortable with how the situation has unfolded.

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9 minutes ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

That's not easy ... :cry: I think I'm stuck right in the middle... I can't move forward nor go back

I understand but be careful not to fall into a fantasy that dictates that this is the only man you can marry. 

Just as our parents/grandparents got stuck in their conventions, our own generation (as well as previous ones) also get stuck in this modern day mindset that we can and will only marry one specific person. 

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3 minutes ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

Should I tell him about the whole situation ... like my mum is not interested 

I think you can tell him that she has some concerns (age gap, studying etc) which you personally don't agree with.

If you want to to ahead with this then this man will need to sit down, listen to your parents concerns and try and convince them. 

Sometimes this is what they need, ie to hear directly from the man that he is serious, that he wants you to continue studying, that he is marrying you based on religious principles etc..

 

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1 minute ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

Should I tell him about the whole situation ... like my mum is not interested 

I think he should know what's going on your side. Tell him you spoke to your Mum and she wasn't very happy about about this and not willing to take this further even though you want to. Also let him know that you weren't expecting things go this way and maybe throw in a little apology for creating this little emotional turbulence in his life.  Leave it open ended and see what he says. If he is willing to pursue this further despite the family opposition then the two of you can join forces. If he isn't then you have your answer.  But don't ask him to do anything. You have already put yourself out there. 

The problem I see with this whole thing is that you don't know the guy well enough to decide if he is worth taking a stand. 

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9 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

be careful not to fall into a fantasy that dictates that this is the only man you can marry

I'm aware of this... I had small discussion with my mind as well

8 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

I think you can tell him that she has some concerns (age gap, studying etc) which you personally don't agree with.

Will he not think that I was wasting his time ... this is going to be so embarrassing and awkward

6 minutes ago, starlight said:

But don't ask him to do anything

What do you mean by that ... should I ask him to support me?

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1 minute ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

What do you mean by that ... should I ask him to support me?

NO. Just state the situation politely and objectively. That's all. It's his call what he wants to do now.

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I would go with the persist and resist idea.

Long ago, when I told my mom about my now-ex, her reaction wasn't very pleasant either.

I told her there was a girl who was interested in me, and wanted to (permanently) marry me, and I was ready. She...went into full raging banshee mode and started beating me with whatever item she could get her hands on. Desi parents amirite? We got into a Mutah marriage on our own later, but that's a different story. My parents weren't...er... very enthusiastic about what I'd done, but they eventually changed their tone and thought about getting both of us formally married (and then she dumped me :))

Anyways, I'd say just stick with your guns and be prepared to weather some beatings on your own (I don't know how your family is, but even the most liberal desi parents have a secret beat-them to-a-pulp mode). They'll eventually get tired and get around to your way of thinking. Just remember; don't get emotional, and don't get rude. Also, try to find some support among your family, whether immediate or extended. Get your dad involved as soon as possible, despite what your mom says. He is the one who's permission actually counts in matters of marriage, not your mom.

 

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37 minutes ago, Sabrejet said:

and then she dumped me :))

So your Mum was right all along :hahaha: 

Didn't she tell you 'dekha, main ne pehley hi nahein munna kiya tha na karo' Desi Mums have a PhD in giving ta'any.

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Just now, starlight said:

So your Mum was right all along :hahaha: 

Didn't she tell you 'dekha, main ne pehley hi nahein munna kiya tha na karo' Desi Mums have a PhD in giving ta'any.

Yeah, but being such a nice mom, she never rubbed it in my face.

Funny thing is, she knew the girl vaguely, and remembered her fondly. She just wasn't expecting her baby boy to suddenly act like a grown up without warning :)

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Sabrejet said:

started beating me with whatever item she could get her hands on

Thank god...my parents are not like that .. I don't even remember if they have touched or pulled me once lol 

26 minutes ago, starlight said:

Loool my mum made so much fun out of this news lol they were also invited to a morning show guess what my mum said: "bas ab yehi rehge the na" 

Quote

don't get emotional, and don't get rude.

Exactly.... I'm not gonna let them emotionally blackmail me this time

Guys I have no idea that my brother knows that guy personally.... they have mutual friends ....my brother came to me and said he is with me in this whole situation (and even if I tell him to beat his a** one day lol ...) I'm shocked ....why didn't the guy tell me that he knows my brother ... what's going on 

There is a huge confusion going on right now in my mind

 

 

Edited by Ain-Al Hayat
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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, AStruggler said:

Salaam Sister, this is indeed an unfortunate situation. Parents should should encourage the early marriage of their children, especially their daughters. This is what the Islamic thing to do would be. Maybe try and kindly educate and explain to your Mom/elders the need for you to get married early, from a religious and secular standpoint too (how your peers all have (haram) partners and you wish to have a halal partner, brings you happiness and comfort, essential part of life, a female's biological clock and its prime time...and she's more fertile in the younger ages, and etc.).

Hmm let's wait and see what the older and more mature members on this site have to say.

I will pray that things work out well for you inshaAllah. 

Also, this book may be of a lot of help to you: Youth and Spouse Selection | Al-Islam.org (al-islam.org)

Check these too: 

1)

Advice from Ayatollah Sistani to the believing youth: Advice from His Eminence,Sayyid Ali al-Sistani (may the Almighty prolong his life) to the Believing Youth - Archive - The Official Website of the Office of His Eminence Al-Sayyid Ali Al-Husseini Al-Sistani

Excerpt from above:

  • Fifth: Try to start a family by getting married and procreating without any delay. Having a family is a source of pleasure and affability, a motive for hard work, a cause for sobriety and being responsible, an investment of energy for the future, and a defense against forbidden and lowly deeds. It has been narrated that one who gets married has attained half of his religion. Foremost, marriage is a necessary course of life and a natural human instinct. Those who abandon it fall into trouble and are inflicted with dullness and laziness. Do not be afraid of being impoverished by marriage, because God, the Glorified, has put many causes of abundance in marriage that one may not be aware of at first. Also, pay attention to the character of the woman you want to marry, and to her piety and discipline, and do not be occupied with evaluating her beauty, her appearance, and her job, because those traits are a veil that may be removed when life reveals its hardships. There are warnings in the Hadith against marrying a woman merely for her looks. Moreover, one who marries a woman for her piety and character will have a blessed marriage.

    Let young unmarried women and their guardians not favor getting a job over starting a family, because marriage is a necessary course of life, while a job is more of a complement to it. It is not wise to abandon the former for the sake of the latter. Those who do not understand this principle will regret it later in life when regret is of no use. Life’s experiences attest to this.

    Guardians are not permitted to prevent their daughters from getting married, nor are they permitted to put obstacles in their way using improper traditions not required by God, such as asking for exorbitant dowers or waiting for cousins and sayyids, because there are many sources of corruption in these traditions. God made fathers the custodians of their daughters only so that they counsel their daughters and choose the best option for them. One who confines a woman for other than her interest has committed a sin that endures as long as her suffering, and has opened one of Hell’s doors upon himself.

-Sorry don't mean to scare you haha, but tell them GOD's WORD comes first! Tell them your Marja' even said for you to get married without delay and that they can't be a barrier for that for no proper reason! Make sure you show utmost respect to them though :grin:

2)

Dialogue on Marriage - Jurisprudence Made Easy - The Official Website of the Office of His Eminence Al-Sayyid Ali Al-Husseini Al-Sistani

Excerpt from above:

  • Allah, the Most High, said in His Holy Book, “And marry those among you who are single and those who are fit among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from want out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, Knowing”. (24/32).
    In a commentary on this verse, Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq ((عليه السلام).) said, “Whomsoever steered clear of the road of matrimony for fear of bearing the extra burden of starting a family, he has thought badly of Allah, for He said, “Allah will make them free from want out of His grace”.
    * There is the problem, that has been created by some some families of would-be brides who make it difficult for prospective husbands. They spoil the chances of their daughters getting married by setting unatainable targets. They seek to appraise the suitability of the bridegroom against certain criterion that they deem befitting to their daughters. The result is that many a woman are left unmarried. This attitude, however, is not new.
    - It has been narrated that Imam Mohammad al-Baqir ((عليه السلام).) received a letter from Ali bin Asbat, in which he asked him for advice on how best he could give his daughters in marriage, because he could not find the right men for them. This was the Imam’s reply, “I took note of your letter regarding the situation of your daughters. Do not dwell on your idea, May Allah have mercy on you, because the Messenger of Allah ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم).) said: Whoever approached you with the intention of marrying, you should look at their character and piety. If these were acceptable, go ahead and give your women in marriage to them. Should you refrain from that, there shall be discord in the land and great immorality”.
    * At this point, my father left me to my thoughts, pondering the array of harmful social practices that our society has evolved. Such adverse social customs have nothing to do with Islam and its injunctions that recognize, above all, good ethical standards as prerequisites for choosing a husband or a wife.
    Soon it was time for my father and I to go to Ali’s wedding party.

 

If you look at most of the good / positive stories on SC, they start with something like 'Well I couldn't afford it / I didn't think I was ready / I was criticized / but I did it anyway because it was wajib / mustahab / the right thing to do.

Most of the bad / negative stories on SC start out with 'Well I knew it was haram / wrong / against the advice of my marjaa but I did it anyway, thinking I would ask for forgiveness / do tauba later....it ended up ruining my life / someone else's life.

The advice of Sayyid Sistani is very good advice, unfortunately most parents ignore it, then think in their mind that they will do taubah later for that, not realizing that later may be too late. 

For the OP, according to most marjaa, the man is required to ask the permission of the father. If the father refuses to give his permission based on reasons other than Deen and Aklaq (of the man), then he has, in actuality, withdrawn himself from the requirements of permission and his permission is no longer required. You can marry anyway, and I think if more youth started doing this (instead of just talking about doing it) then maybe parents would wake up and realize that most of their objections are based on nonsense and/or culture and not Islam. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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3 hours ago, starlight said:

Before you embark on this option make sure the guy is on the same page as you.  Exactly.

 

No point creating friction at home and finding out later that he isn't comfortable with how the situation has unfolded.

lf he is going to get married, he should not need parents from either side.

per sentence

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Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

You can marry anyway, and I think if more youth started doing this (instead of just talking about doing it) then maybe parents would wake up and realize that most of their objections are based on nonsense and/or culture and not Islam. 

I don't want to marry him without my parents permission ...if I do so there will be always a guilt with me :worried:

I can't do this to my parents ... I want this to be done with their happiness

Edited by Ain-Al Hayat
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Posted (edited)
1 minute ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

I don't want to marry him without my parents permission ...if I do so there will be always a guilt with me :worried:

I can't do this to my parents ... I want this to be done with there happiness

Everyone wants to make their parents happy. Every decision in life comes with a price attached. You have to think what price are you willing to pay to make your parents happy. Isn't your own happiness also important ? 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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1 minute ago, Abu Hadi said:

Isn't your own happiness also important ? 

It is but I don't think so I have that courage to do this by my own ...just thinking about this .. I feel like doing unjust to them 

I hope they feel the same by saying no to this proposal ... I hope Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) changes their mind

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Posted (edited)

BTW, this objection about marriage affecting your studies is not valid in most cases. I got married while I was still in University. I ended up finishing my degree, and also my Masters Degree. My wife, who is younger than me, also finished her University. Neither of us are from wealthy families nor did either one of our parents help us with paying for college(We live in the US where college, and especially graduate school is expensive). My wife finished her university degree while she was taking care of two young children (5 and 7 years old). Obviously to do this, we had to work as a team, and worked hard, and I had to do things I wasn't used to doing, like cooking, cleaning, and helping more with taking care of the children. At the end of the day, if the husband and wife work as a team and are dedicated to first, following the religion of Islam and second dedicated to finishing their education, then Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will open up the way for them to do this. In addition to my story, I'm sure if you asked around on SC you would find many other couples who have similar stories. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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8 minutes ago, Justsomeone said:

@Ain-Al HayatI saw, you said he's 10 years older than you... are you sure about this? I've been told it's not a good idea to marry to marry someone much older... 

Yes I once saw his documents and he said that as well ..so that's true he is 10 years older than me

There are many couples in my family who has a huge age difference ...so I don't think so this should be an excuse...my mum knows that..her own Sister is married to someone (but he is not outsider) who is 12 years older than her

I think the main issue is ..of him being Arab and outsider..not from the family ... and my mum doesn't want to take that risk

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