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In the Name of God بسم الله

I don’t have a feeling of wanting intimacy

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Guest Psychological

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Guest Psychological

When I was in my teenage years I was a very socially awkward person, but I did like any teenage guy have crushes, one who liked me back but i never had a relationship with such. 
 

Well believe it or not but now at age 21  is when I’m seeing all the guys I knew starting to meet girls, get married, start families. For me though I have an issue and that issue is I have no feeling of intimacy or any attraction to females anymore. I know a good looking when I see it but, it’s like I just don’t care I find them highly annoying and would prefer to be single. My family however are pushing me to find someone so I can get married and start my life but I have a few traits that puts most people off

1)I’m very conservative, in my mentality and lifestyle, if I have children for example I wouldn’t buy them chocolates or whatever 

2)I never care to express love or sociability with people. For example I have lost all my friends barring 1-2 who I’m in sporadic contact because I never reciprocate the friendship back, and I wouldn’t go out my way to do anything for anyone. 
 

3)I actually don’t care about having a female partner, I would go into why but I’ll sound sexist.

no I’m not an alpha male wannabe or whatever, I’m most likely slightly/moderately autistic (although I’m good at recognising feelings of myself and others it’s just that I don’t care too much). Where do I go from here? My family tried to get me arranged marriage but there’s no options left and want me to look for a girl myself. I just want someone who will stay at home and not talk to me when I come home from work.

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Salam Brother 

1 hour ago, Guest Psychological said:

I just want someone who will stay at home and not talk to me when I come home from work.

Lol...you want a robot.. that's not how females are

Seriously, that's the first time I heard a man saying that....no offense... everything is possible nowadays

1 hour ago, Guest Psychological said:

For me though I have an issue and that issue is I have no feeling of intimacy or any attraction to females anymore.

This issue could have multiple reasons based on your personality and history, I dont know your story or your personality so im going to mention some key points:

-You may be going through depression (it is possible you are not aware of it)

-you may be focusing your energy in a different area

-You could be overly stressed about something and that is preventing your romantic and sexual attractions (could be a hormonal imbalance... Get some medical help)

2 hours ago, Guest Psychological said:

I find them highly annoying and would prefer to be single

That's not an excuse...not every woman is annoying (and if they are annoying then just try to ignore them lol)

2 hours ago, Guest Psychological said:

if I have children for example I wouldn’t buy them chocolates or whatever 

 

2 hours ago, Guest Psychological said:

I never care to express love or sociability with people. For example I have lost all my friends barring 1-2 who I’m in sporadic contact because I never reciprocate the friendship back, and I wouldn’t go out my way to do anything for anyone. 

AHH..so it could be your are quite scared to show/express your feelings, lack of confidence.... Maybe you should vist a Psychologist...a talk therapy could be effective. (Maybe you will get some helpful advice by a professional person)

Do your parents know about your feelings..what do they say? Do you have siblings ...who feel the same way? Did you talked to someone about this matter?

I don't know more about this topic but I found this website which could be helpful:

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/i-am-not-attracted-to-anyone-what-is-wrong-with-me/

Waslam

 

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Go to a poor country like Pakistan or India or any Middle eastern country which has a poor populace. Marry a woman from these poor classes. They will just be grateful for living in a middle class or upper class environment. They will stay at home, wont talk to you unless you want them to and do all the wife chores. But make sure you explain to the woman before hand what she's giving up for comfort. If she still agrees then everyone wins. I've seen people from rich western countries go to these poor countries and marry their severely autistic children to such women from lower classes.

Hopefully this helps.

Wasalam 

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On 12/30/2020 at 7:11 AM, Guest Advice said:

Go to a poor country like Pakistan or India or any Middle eastern country which has a poor populace. Marry a woman from these poor classes. They will just be grateful for living in a middle class or upper class environment. They will stay at home, wont talk to you unless you want them to and do all the wife chores. But make sure you explain to the woman before hand what she's giving up for comfort. If she still agrees then everyone wins. I've seen people from rich western countries go to these poor countries and marry their severely autistic children to such women from lower classes.

Hopefully this helps.

Wasalam 

What kind of poor advice is this? I don't understand the attitude you have towards (probably) your own home country/region. So any man who seems to be having some issues should just go to a poor country and any woman would accept him? Just for his passport? Not everyone is as materialistic as you think. This whole idea of women back home being sub-par or inferior is absolutely disgusting. 

On 12/29/2020 at 12:32 PM, Guest Psychological said:

never care to express love or sociability with people. For example I have lost all my friends barring 1-2 who I’m in sporadic contact because I never reciprocate the friendship back, and I wouldn’t go out my way to do anything for anyone. 

That's not a good thing. I don't know why you just present it like a normal characteristic, something just as mundane as your hair colour. What you're saying is that basically you have no commitment and you treat people and friends as if theyre nothing, attaching no importance to them. If you wouldn't go out of your way to do anything for anyone, that might be indicative of your selfishness or entitlement, arrogance etc. These are all bad traits and you shouldn't be talking about them as if you have no control over it. You losing friends is your own choice. If you can't even maintain 2 friendships how can you expect to maintain a whole marriage for a lifetime? And if you think you could draw up some deal like Mr Guest Advice suggested or how they do in those movies and shows, you'd be very wrong. This is the real world. Not many good women would seriously sacrifice their whole life and happiness just because you want a robot for a wife. I'm sorry if this is too harsh, but there are real issues here and you need to tackle them. Not just for the same of marriage, but for your own sake. Humans need human interaction. If you want, you could practice online over forums like these how to communicate with other people and form friendships. If you continue like this you will feel the negative impact yourself mentally and emotionally. 

On 12/29/2020 at 12:32 PM, Guest Psychological said:

3)I actually don’t care about having a female partner, I would go into why but I’ll sound sexist.

Please do go into the reasons why you don't want a female partner. Don't worry, you already sound a little sexist, so you wouldn't be changing anything. 

On 12/29/2020 at 12:32 PM, Guest Psychological said:

I’m most likely slightly/moderately autistic

What does "most likely slightly/moderately autistic" mean? Is that an actual doctor's diagnosis or are you self-diagnosing? If it's a doctor's diagnosis, then a wholly different conversation needs to take place and you need to see a counsellor to help you express your feelings properly (most autistic children receive this kind of help early on in most countries). But if you're self-diagnosing, this is just a way for you to validate your issues. You can't blame your flaws on an illness you don't have. Not only is that unhealthy but its offensive to the autistic people and their families. You can't go around inventing actual illnesses without any solid scientific knowledge. 

On 12/29/2020 at 12:32 PM, Guest Psychological said:

Where do I go from here?

Start caring, stop acting like youre above emotions and feeling things, and show respect to the people who love you by reciprocating kind behaviour. See a therapist if you need one to acknowledge the importance of all these things. If you don't want to, Google the importance of friendships on a human. And then if making friends irl is too daunting for you (or not possible because of COVID) use platforms like this to get to know people. 

On 12/29/2020 at 12:32 PM, Guest Psychological said:

My family tried to get me arranged marriage but there’s no options left and want me to look for a girl myself. I

Your parents can't force you to get married, if they're pressuring you too much, pretend that you're trying to find someone and don't actually do anything because marriage is the last thing that could solve any of your issues. It would just add to your problems. 

On 12/29/2020 at 12:32 PM, Guest Psychological said:

just want someone who will stay at home and not talk to me when I come home from work

So you want a woman (who has probably already built somewhat of a life for herself, with aspirations for her career) to drop everything and sit at home for you all day looking like a cute little doll, and not talk to you at all when you're home? And repeat that every single day for 365 days for probably 50 years? Do you really think that's reasonable? I'm not just talking about wanting a housewife. Each woman can decide if she wants to be a housewife or pursue a career (you don't get to dictate that before even meeting a woman). I'm talking about the fact that you basically want a live-in maid for a wife (albeit one you wouldn't even pay).

Edited by 2Timeless
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Guest Psychological
2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

What kind of poor advice is this? I don't understand the attitude you have towards (probably) your own home country/region. So any man who seems to be having some issues should just go to a poor country and any woman would accept him? Just for his passport? Not everyone is as materialistic as you think. This whole idea of women back home being sub-par or inferior is absolutely disgusting. 

I kind of agree with this, I don't think it's right to disregard people are inferior or subpar because of where they are from, infact in many way sticking to traditional values makes them superior in my eyes.

 

2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

That's not a good thing. I don't know why you just present it like a normal characteristic, something just as mundane as your hair colour. What you're saying is that basically you have no commitment and you treat people and friends as if theyre nothing, attaching no importance to them. If you wouldn't go out of your way to do anything for anyone, that might be indicative of your selfishness or entitlement, arrogance etc. These are all bad traits and you shouldn't be talking about them as if you have no control over it. You losing friends is your own choice. If you can't even maintain 2 friendships how can you expect to maintain a whole marriage for a lifetime? And if you think you could draw up some deal like Mr Guest Advice suggested or how they do in those movies and shows, you'd be very wrong. This is the real world. Not many good women would seriously sacrifice their whole life and happiness just because you want a robot for a wife. I'm sorry if this is too harsh, but there are real issues here and you need to tackle them. Not just for the same of marriage, but for your own sake. Humans need human interaction. If you want, you could practice online over forums like these how to communicate with other people and form friendships. If you continue like this you will feel the negative impact yourself mentally and emotionally.

You're not being harsh, I think I just lack a real emotional understanding with people outside of a few of my family members (mainly my dad). I don't think I have arrogance or pride or anything, if I did I would be thinking I'm better then most people but I think the opposite I feel like I'm as a low as rat or something. I don't real think I have any entitlement either, I just think of thinks as it is what it is, if I'm a lonely person my entire life then to be honest it actually does not bother me much. 

2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

Please do go into the reasons why you don't want a female partner. Don't worry, you already sound a little sexist, so you wouldn't be changing anything. 

I have a hard time maintaining friendships as it, having a wife and stuff seems so troublesome to me. I'm a person who has no career aspirations, I'm not educated and have a low IQ score, which explains why I was sacked from two jobs for not learning how to do the job properly. What female is going to want this, also I really don't know why I can't be bothered involving myself in others people lives but I just can't. I don't check up on people unless I'm asked to and stuff, not because I think I'm better then them but probably because I just don't relate to them.

2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

What does "most likely slightly/moderately autistic" mean? Is that an actual doctor's diagnosis or are you self-diagnosing? If it's a doctor's diagnosis, then a wholly different conversation needs to take place and you need to see a counsellor to help you express your feelings properly (most autistic children receive this kind of help early on in most countries). But if you're self-diagnosing, this is just a way for you to validate your issues. You can't blame your flaws on an illness you don't have. Not only is that unhealthy but its offensive to the autistic people and their families. You can't go around inventing actual illnesses without any solid scientific knowledge. 

That's true, I've tried diagnosing why I've been like this my entire life but can't seem to find anything that accurately matches what I feel like most of the time apart from this.

2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

Start caring, stop acting like youre above emotions and feeling things, and show respect to the people who love you by reciprocating kind behaviour. See a therapist if you need one to acknowledge the importance of all these things. If you don't want to, Google the importance of friendships on a human. And then if making friends irl is too daunting for you (or not possible because of COVID) use platforms like this to get to know people. 

I don't feel like I act above emotions and things, I'm just a rat in this world.

2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

Your parents can't force you to get married, if they're pressuring you too much, pretend that you're trying to find someone and don't actually do anything because marriage is the last thing that could solve any of your issues. It would just add to your problems. 

So you want a woman (who has probably already built somewhat of a life for herself, with aspirations for her career) to drop everything and sit at home for you all day looking like a cute little doll, and not talk to you at all when you're home? And repeat that every single day for 365 days for probably 50 years? Do you really think that's reasonable? I'm not just talking about wanting a housewife. Each woman can decide if she wants to be a housewife or pursue a career (you don't get to dictate that before even meeting a woman). I'm talking about the fact that you basically want a live-in maid for a wife (albeit one you wouldn't even pay).

Even then I wouldn't be comfortable with my wife going to work. I'm probably just a weak minded guy but I know men and know what they think about women, and I don't want my wife and stuff to be in others peoples mind and stuff. Well I guess it's also not reasonable for me to just want to work and die but I just can't feel anything for it. 

 

Its not that I don't recognise human emotions or whatever but I just dont like involving myself in it. 

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2 hours ago, Guest Psychological said:

You're not being harsh, I think I just lack a real emotional understanding with people outside of a few of my family members (mainly my dad). I don't think I have arrogance or pride or anything, if I did I would be thinking I'm better then most people but I think the opposite I feel like I'm as a low as rat or something. I don't real think I have any entitlement either, I just think of thinks as it is what it is, if I'm a lonely person my entire life then to be honest it actually does not bother me much. 

Why do you feel so negatively about yourself? Is it that you feel guilty over past mistakes/sins? Or have you done something you regret? I don't think the issue is that you don't want alot of friends, maybe the issue is that you feel you aren't worthy of having friends? And if so, why do you feel that way?

2 hours ago, Guest Psychological said:

have a hard time maintaining friendships as it, having a wife and stuff seems so troublesome to me. I'm a person who has no career aspirations, I'm not educated and have a low IQ score, which explains why I was sacked from two jobs for not learning how to do the job properly. What female is going to want this, also I really don't know why I can't be bothered involving myself in others people lives but I just can't. I don't check up on people unless I'm asked to and stuff, not because I think I'm better then them but probably because I just don't relate to them.

Why does it seem troublesome though? If you feel you're not educated why don't you educate yourself? You don't even have to go back to school, there are plenty of free courses online, pick something you have even the slightest interest in. And having a low IQ doesn't define your worth. Academic intellect is only a fraction of you, it doesn't define who you are. Also why do you have no career aspirations? What level of education have you reached? And how do you plan on making a living for the rest of your life? I don't mean this in a condescending way, I just want to understand more about why you're talking the way you are. 

Maybe you need to find like minded people, not everyone likes expressing their emotions to the whole world etc. But I think you need to tackle the issue of why you actually feel this way in the first place.

2 hours ago, Guest Psychological said:

That's true, I've tried diagnosing why I've been like this my entire life but can't seem to find anything that accurately matches what I feel like most of the time apart from this

Why don't you see a doctor/therapist? 

2 hours ago, Guest Psychological said:

don't feel like I act above emotions and things, I'm just a rat in this world.

Youre not a rat, please explain why you feel this way? Unless you've committed some insane crime there is no reason why you should refer to yourself like this.

2 hours ago, Guest Psychological said:

Even then I wouldn't be comfortable with my wife going to work. I'm probably just a weak minded guy but I know men and know what they think about women, and I don't want my wife and stuff to be in others peoples mind and stuff. Well I guess it's also not reasonable for me to just want to work and die but I just can't feel anything for it. 

So you do have human emotions and you do care, you're even caring about someone you've never even met yet. Jealousy/feeling protective shows that you do have human emotions and you can't just disentangle yourself from them. 

2 hours ago, Guest Psychological said:

not that I don't recognise human emotions or whatever but I just dont like involving myself in it

Well, as you've demonstrated above, you've already involved yourself in human emotions. You can't control that. 

I cant diagnose you, but maybe you should read more about depression and see a therapist. Talking to someone could help. And I'm sorry for assuming that you had a different outlook than what you actually do, I shouldn't have been so harsh. I hope things get better for you. 

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

What kind of poor advice is this? I don't understand the attitude you have towards (probably) your own home country/region. So any man who seems to be having some issues should just go to a poor country and any woman would accept him? Just for his passport? Not everyone is as materialistic as you think. This whole idea of women back home being sub-par or inferior is absolutely disgusting. 

 

Sorry but please wake up and smell the coffee and try not to be so harsh without knowing the full reality. I'm not saying women who live in those countries whether they are poor or middle class or rich are all materialistic and would hop on the first chance to come to a foreign country. Let's take Pakistan for example, a country where 60% of the population is dying in poverty or are middle class. No in between. 40% are upper class and elite. This solution that I mentioned is already happening, Pakistanis whose children are mentally handicapped or physically handicapped in some way are going to Pakistan and marrying women from poor poverty struck families to these aforementioned handicapped people. This isn't wrong, immoral or "materialistic" in any way. Please go and look at the conditions of the people who live in one room with their parents and often times 5-8 brothers/sisters. They are living on 500 rupees(5$ USD) a day. Many a times these women are sold into prosi. or sexual slavery by their families. If they agree to marry these handicapped people, they aren't doing so because they are "materialistic". They are doing so for SURVIVAL for not only for themselves but their entire families as they also send money back home to their parents/siblings so they can SURVIVE as well. Let me tell you of another event that is happening as we speak. In China, men out number women by 10 to 1(or more). Chinese men are marrying Pakistani women from middle class or lower societal standing because there are no women for them in China. These men do not speak english or urdu. These pakistani women do not speak chinese or any language the groom speaks. So why are they marrying? The women are marrying for survival and a chance for a better economic situation, the men are marrying for their emotional and physical needs. So everybody wins. The problem with people like us is that we can't understand the plight and psychology of the one whose belly is empty because ours is full every night. So we turn everything into a socratic discussion of ethics/morals. If you aren't in this situation, then thank Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and pray for the people who are. Don't judge them nor be blind to the reality of the world before you. 

As you said yourself, No woman is going to be with the OP because he wants a wife who stays at home and doesn't even speak to him. But for the women I mentioned above, they wouldn't mind the situation if it meant their circumstances being better. 

If you want to understand people, always put yourselves in their shoes and look at the world. That's how I do it and that's why I understand where most people are coming from and why they are doing what they are doing.

Believe it or not, people marry for different reasons in this world. Some marry for their emotional and physical needs aka a traditional marriage. Some marry for their emotional needs only(I know women who are happily married to impotent men because they make them feel more loved than anyone else). Some only marry for their physical needs(I know men who are 60+ married to 18-25 year old college students). Some marry for wealth(I know 18-25 year old men married to 65+ rich women). Some marry only to prolong their bloodline. Marriage is based on a system of need and desire at the very core if you strip away the veil and everything else in between.

Wasalam.

Edited by El Cid
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On 12/29/2020 at 8:32 PM, Guest Psychological said:

I just want someone who will stay at home and not talk to me when I come home from work.

You're lucky tbh now that technology is constantly evolving you can purchase a female robot who won't talk unless needed to. 

 

On 12/29/2020 at 8:32 PM, Guest Psychological said:

1)I’m very conservative, in my mentality and lifestyle, if I have children for example I wouldn’t buy them chocolates or whatever 

Don't ever be a father. Go marry a doll.

 

On 12/29/2020 at 8:32 PM, Guest Psychological said:

3)I actually don’t care about having a female partner, I would go into why but I’ll sound sexist.

You are sexist.

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@3wliya_maryam please avoid personal comments/attacks. The topic can be discussed without resorting to such things.

@El Cid I agree with you that people marry for different reasons, and that marrying a poor person from a difficult social background can indeed be an option. I think the issue was the idea of marrying someone but ignoring them, rather than making the effort to treat them like a partner. You're right that a woman looking to merely survive would still take that option but I think it's wrong for the man to even consider behaving in such a manner. 

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6 hours ago, El Cid said:

Sorry but please wake up and smell the coffee and try not to be so harsh without knowing the full reality. I'm not saying women who live in those countries whether they are poor or middle class or rich are all materialistic and would hop on the first chance to come to a foreign country. Let's take Pakistan for example, a country where 60% of the population is dying in poverty or are middle class. No in between. 40% are upper class and elite. This solution that I mentioned is already happening, Pakistanis whose children are mentally handicapped or physically handicapped in some way are going to Pakistan and marrying women from poor poverty struck families to these aforementioned handicapped people. This isn't wrong, immoral or "materialistic" in any way. Please go and look at the conditions of the people who live in one room with their parents and often times 5-8 brothers/sisters. They are living on 500 rupees(5$ USD) a day. Many a times these women are sold into prosi. or sexual slavery by their families. If they agree to marry these handicapped people, they aren't doing so because they are "materialistic". They are doing so for SURVIVAL for not only for themselves but their entire families as they also send money back home to their parents/siblings so they can SURVIVE as well. Let me tell you of another event that is happening as we speak. In China, men out number women by 10 to 1(or more). Chinese men are marrying Pakistani women from middle class or lower societal standing because there are no women for them in China. These men do not speak english or urdu. These pakistani women do not speak chinese or any language the groom speaks. So why are they marrying? The women are marrying for survival and a chance for a better economic situation, the men are marrying for their emotional and physical needs. So everybody wins. The problem with people like us is that we can't understand the plight and psychology of the one whose belly is empty because ours is full every night. So we turn everything into a socratic discussion of ethics/morals. If you aren't in this situation, then thank Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and pray for the people who are. Don't judge them nor be blind to the reality of the world before you. 

As you said yourself, No woman is going to be with the OP because he wants a wife who stays at home and doesn't even speak to him. But for the women I mentioned above, they wouldn't mind the situation if it meant their circumstances being better. 

If you want to understand people, always put yourselves in their shoes and look at the world. That's how I do it and that's why I understand where most people are coming from and why they are doing what they are doing.

Believe it or not, people marry for different reasons in this world. Some marry for their emotional and physical needs aka a traditional marriage. Some marry for their emotional needs only(I know women who are happily married to impotent men because they make them feel more loved than anyone else). Some only marry for their physical needs(I know men who are 60+ married to 18-25 year old college students). Some marry for wealth(I know 18-25 year old men married to 65+ rich women). Some marry only to prolong their bloodline. Marriage is based on a system of need and desire at the very core if you strip away the veil and everything else in between.

Wasalam.

*wakes up and smells the coffee* 

I agree with most of what you said, I know that alot of us are privileged and will never be put in the position of marrying a random man in the west merely for his passport. I was against the classist and discriminatory ideas your advice was built on. 

You believed this OP had some sort of disability or flaw, so before even suggesting that he should maybe seek help and work on himself, he should just throw himself into a marriage with a poor woman from back home. Giving the example of autistic men being taken back to Pakistan to marry a woman isn't really a great example. This presumes that women back home only deserve men with some sort of disability or issue, e.g. autistic men, disabled men, poor men etc. Basically whats left of men raised in the west, the men 'no one wants'. Firstly, this is incredibly rude and discriminatory against the men youre talking about, youre suggesting no one would ever want to marry them other than someone who would literally die of poverty otherwise. Secondly, its degrading of the women youre talking about. Since these women and their families are in such dire situations, why dont they deserve men who are considered the 'perfect bachelors' by that same society? Why don't they deserve men who have their lives together, have wealth, intellect, looks etc. 

My response wasn't judging women who really need help. It was judging the discriminatory and cassist ideology behind the advice. 

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Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

*wakes up and smells the coffee* 

I agree with most of what you said, I know that alot of us are privileged and will never be put in the position of marrying a random man in the west merely for his passport. I was against the classist and discriminatory ideas your advice was built on. 

You believed this OP had some sort of disability or flaw, so before even suggesting that he should maybe seek help and work on himself, he should just throw himself into a marriage with a poor woman from back home. Giving the example of autistic men being taken back to Pakistan to marry a woman isn't really a great example. This presumes that women back home only deserve men with some sort of disability or issue, e.g. autistic men, disabled men, poor men etc. Basically whats left of men raised in the west, the men 'no one wants'. Firstly, this is incredibly rude and discriminatory against the men youre talking about, youre suggesting no one would ever want to marry them other than someone who would literally die of poverty otherwise. Secondly, its degrading of the women youre talking about. Since these women and their families are in such dire situations, why dont they deserve men who are considered the 'perfect bachelors' by that same society? Why don't they deserve men who have their lives together, have wealth, intellect, looks etc. 

My response wasn't judging women who really need help. It was judging the discriminatory and cassist ideology behind the advice. 

Whether it sounds "incredibly rude and discriminatory" to you doesn't change the reality of the world. If you're calling my advice so and so, then you're also attacking the women who do this as such. Otherwise it's like saying "theft is wrong but the participants of theft are good righteous people. I'm only attacking theft, not thieves." The simple answer to your question is that Economics turns people into commodities. No woman unless she is suffering from the same condition that the OP is suffering from is going to have him. Harsh reality. I'm also not going to waste my time in an attempt to change him because he himself does not want to be changed.

 The women who are dying of poverty aren't going to get married to men who have wealth, intellect, looks and everything together because those men are going to marry someone of their own social standing aka the women who have their lives together based on your own criteria of wealth, intellect, looks, education. The poverty struck women from those families are only going to be able to marry those wealthy men if there's a catch like a mentally/physically disabled person or anything else really like a man wanting children or if they are highly beautiful or some slim chance that the guy just cares about the woman but this isn't a bollywood movie.

I didn't make this world discriminatory and classist. It's discriminatory and classist on it's own. And we have to survive in this discriminatory and classist world based on it's laws. I'm only offering not only rational but practical advices where the OP can have his cake(and eat it too) which are already being conducted somewhere in the world as we're speaking right now. It's better to accept certain truths of this world and live life rather than be hopeful in a fool's paradise. None of this is fair but it's just the way it is.

 

Edited by El Cid
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8 hours ago, Guest Badshah said:

So many rude comments. Chill everyone, be rational and logical without personal attacks. Not life and death.

I was thinking the same 

Guest psychological need a professional therapist who can help him with his emotions.. how to express them and how to deal with his autism...and not those long posts lectures about something which doesn't concern his actual Problem :confused:

 

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I think that the Guest user might be asexual and has emotional anxiety around intimacy. It’s the fear of the unknown, the asexuality that may be a factor. He’s comfortable being by himself or with other people who know him best because he is likely introverted and doesn’t care for instability in relationships. Also, let’s face it: friendships are temporary, anyway. There are only a few people who are truly your good friends. It doesn’t mean that he can’t make new friends. 
 

Emotional anxiety around finding a partner, expectations, and identity is perfectly normal. You aren’t autistic. I think you may be an “old soul”. That’s why you feel out of touch and unable to make lots of connections—but that also means that you can find a partner whom you’re able to be your most comfortable true self around. You don’t need a lot of friends, you just need to be open to emotional intimacy, which includes being vulnerable and receptive to love and affection. It’s nothing scary, it’s nothing to be afraid of or close yourself off to. But it’s also okay if you’re not ready. It’s okay if you’re not ready. 

Be compassionate with the OP, please. I think he has good intentions and acknowledges that he has issues with emotional availability. These anxieties will diminish over time. 
 

Op: you are only 21. You probably won’t be ready for marriage until mid twenties to early thirties. Don’t worry. Most people aren’t compatible with you so of course you’d find them annoying. 

Edited by Caroling
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On 12/29/2020 at 11:32 PM, Guest Psychological said:

When I was in my teenage years I was a very socially awkward person, but I did like any teenage guy have crushes, one who liked me back but i never had a relationship with such. 
 

Well believe it or not but now at age 21  is when I’m seeing all the guys I knew starting to meet girls, get married, start families. For me though I have an issue and that issue is I have no feeling of intimacy or any attraction to females anymore. I know a good looking when I see it but, it’s like I just don’t care I find them highly annoying and would prefer to be single. My family however are pushing me to find someone so I can get married and start my life but I have a few traits that puts most people off

1)I’m very conservative, in my mentality and lifestyle, if I have children for example I wouldn’t buy them chocolates or whatever 

2)I never care to express love or sociability with people. For example I have lost all my friends barring 1-2 who I’m in sporadic contact because I never reciprocate the friendship back, and I wouldn’t go out my way to do anything for anyone. 
 

3)I actually don’t care about having a female partner, I would go into why but I’ll sound sexist.

no I’m not an alpha male wannabe or whatever, I’m most likely slightly/moderately autistic (although I’m good at recognising feelings of myself and others it’s just that I don’t care too much). Where do I go from here? My family tried to get me arranged marriage but there’s no options left and want me to look for a girl myself. I just want someone who will stay at home and not talk to me when I come home from work.

Could be lack of testosterone have a blood test , also depression cause a diminished libido maybe check u aren’t depressed , also check ur thyroids are functional that can cause some serious issues 

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Posted (edited)

 

Quote

 

A person who has no desire for intimacy may not feel any urge to get married. That is an issue because if he doesn't get married, then how will he be tested with all the responsibility that comes with marriage.

But at the same time, having no sexual desire would also mean that the person doesn't commit any sins of sexual nature because he doesn't feel any need for this. 

That is a big plus point. What more could a man want than being protected so easily from sins of sexual nature?! No sexual desire, no sexual sins. Maybe the man should thank Allah that he is free from sexual sins in a way that few other men are.

Edited by Maisam Haider
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On 1/7/2021 at 10:37 PM, Maisam Haider said:

 

A person who has no desire for intimacy may not feel any urge to get married. That is an issue because if he doesn't get married, then how will he be tested with all the responsibility that comes with marriage.

But at the same time, having no sexual desire would also mean that the person doesn't commit any sins of sexual nature because he doesn't feel any need for this. 

That is a big plus point. What more could a man want than being protected so easily from sins of sexual nature?! No sexual desire, no sexual sins. Maybe the man should thank Allah that he is free from sexual sins in a way that few other men are.

I don’t believe the circumstances, unless he has a chemical imbalance or hormone all imbalance, every male has a sexual drive it’s part of life , unless he has destroyed his sexual mechanism by masturbation because that is the result of masturbating and it’s addiction that normal  sexuality becomes abnormal or even dead

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On 1/7/2021 at 6:37 AM, Maisam Haider said:

 

A person who has no desire for intimacy may not feel any urge to get married. That is an issue because if he doesn't get married, then how will he be tested with all the responsibility that comes with marriage.

But at the same time, having no sexual desire would also mean that the person doesn't commit any sins of sexual nature because he doesn't feel any need for this. 

That is a big plus point. What more could a man want than being protected so easily from sins of sexual nature?! No sexual desire, no sexual sins. Maybe the man should thank Allah that he is free from sexual sins in a way that few other men are.

That's true but rocks and trees don't have sexual desire. Would you want to be a rock or a tree instead of a human ? Sexual desire has a purpose, one that ensures that human beings will continue to exist. So it is very important, and something that is created by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to ensure that human beings continue to exist. At the same time, marriage is not wajib, only highly mustahab. I think this might be one of the reasons why. If the OP truly has not sexual desire, then I wouldn't recommend him to get married. The reason is because his wife will (pretty much 100% guaranteed) have sexual desire and the only way she can fulfill that is by her husband. Every other way is haram. Also, there is the rule that if a man refuses intimacy with his wife for 40 days, she can ask for a divorce. So most likely this marriage would end in divorce. So why do it in the first place ? 

Now this lack of desire could have many causes, we don't know the cause and it is not good to assume. He could either take the risk and get married and hope that this desire would kick in once he is married (which sometimes happens) or he could just not get married, and spend his life getting hasanat in other ways, like helping the poor, getting involved in Islamic projects, etc. At the same time, he would need to be extremely active in these projects to make up for a fraction of the hasanat he would get by being a good husband / father. 

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Guest Psychological

So, I think I have to reword this better.

Basically I can't be bothered bettering myself for a relationship at all. I have no ambitions (not because I'm depressed but because of how I am) so I wouldn't mind doing checkout work at a supermarket my whole life or anything along those lines. I've been told that even in Pakistan and stuff women don't want men who have no ambitions or anything like this. I have a lot of issues myself, I'm unemployed, uneducated but I have got savings. I'd like to marry a Shia as I became a shia in my teens and still remain till the death of me. Unfortunately my family are also Sunni albeit liberal ones. Shia women in the west seem way to liberal for my liking and I fear that they won't take me seriously because I reverted. To be honest I don't take new converts seriously until 5-10 years so I can understand why they'd think that stuff.

Another thing is I have a traditional view on women, I would be so uncomfortable with my wife going out to work if I was saving for a house or something. There's a few reasons to this but my main issue is her freemixing and stuff. Not that she'd do anything but the guys would try something. 

It's going to sound bad but I want someone who will listen to everything I say. Unfortunately I don't have the personality to make people listen. This is why I have no ambition to be in a relationship with women at all, yes I know my mentality is probably toxic.

 

I am preparing from an onslaught on this post and I'm ready to listen to all opinions but my mind won't change. If I compromise my principles that I feel like I am going to compromise more in the future. This is why I have no desire of meeting anyone. I made a comment earlier about I wont buy my kids chocolate and the reason is because I believe is like a drug, and if you give into to your kids demands they become weak. So yeah I'm a pretty uncompromising person. If I do become compromised then who knows what else I'll give into.

 

Someone said I'm an old soul, and they are 100% right. I do not belong in this world, if I was born on a farm 500 years ago where my life would just be work eat sleep and repeat that would be ideal. Thank you caroling for that post, I relate a lot to it, but also with emotional intimacy and my anxiety around it, it's like my mindset is different to girls. I have nothing in common with men or women today at all. Most care about making something of their futures buying homes raising kids. I just wake up and just do what I do and then go sleep. If I was kicked out of my house today I would just find a job and continue to live that's it, that why I don't have friends at all (mainly 3 at max) and I don't discuss life stuff with them as I don't see it as necessary.

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Posted (edited)

Ok this is a slightly different situation to what you originally described.

Firstly be careful of generalizations. Not everyone is the same. Perhaps what people are telling you applies in many cases but there could still be women out there who are willing to marry you in line with your expectations. 

Your criteria are what they are. I don't think there is any need for an 'onslaught'. As long as you are clear and transparent about your views, it is then up to the other person to accept them or to look for someone else.

Finally I do want to mention something. I think its ok not to be ambitious. What is not ok is laziness. I'm not saying it's the same but people sometimes cover up their laziness by claiming that they aren't greedy or obsessed with money.

You need to evaluate yourself and make sure this isn't the case. Whichever job you do will be part of your islamic duty to earn a lawful living as the man of the house. You will need to put effort into this job to ensure that you are not cheating your employer. 

I just mention this because I have seen cases of people using this as an excuse for laziness. 

Edited by Mahdavist
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14 hours ago, theEndIsNear said:

the result of masturbating and it’s addiction that normal  sexuality becomes abnormal or even dead

Most men masturbate. Now if masturbation causes normal sexuality to become dead, then it means when most men get married, they find sexual intercourse less comforting, less pleasurable, less satisfying than masturbation. They would prefer to masturbate than to have sex. But masturbation after getting married is even a worse sin than masturbating before marriage. 

That means a person who masturbates a lot before marriage should keep in mind that even though it is obligatory for him to get married, it wouldn't necessarily mean that marriage would grant him more sexual pleasure than he is already getting through haram masturbation. In other words, for those who masturbate a lot, getting married is obligatory but a very concerning matter because it would be the start of a new life where sexual intercourse would not give as much pleasure as masturbation but masturbating now would be an even a bigger sin than masturbating before marriage. Marriage would not be the end of the struggle to avoid masturbation. 

15 hours ago, theEndIsNear said:

unless he has a chemical imbalance or hormone all imbalance, every male has a sexual drive it’s part of life

Yes, but a person with a chemical imbalance causing no sexual desire would be saved from all sexual sins. Normal men with normal sexual desire have to struggle hard to stay away from sexual sins whereas a man with hormone imbalance will not need to put in any struggle and will be sexually more sin-free than other men. I'm not suggesting it is better to have chemical imbalance but if someone does have this issue, he should consider it as a blessing in its own right that his sexual desire is so low that he doesn't commit any sin. 

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Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Sexual desire has a purpose, one that ensures that human beings will continue to exist.

Yes, of course. But I believe the other purpose of sexual desire is that how much effort can a person put in to limit this sexual desire only to that which is halal. Getting married is not wajib but avoiding sins is wajib. That means it is more important to not have haram pleasures than it is to have halal pleasures. So this sexual desire is a test of patience and a big challenge of life, not just a means of pleasure. 

Edited by Maisam Haider
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