Father wont let me marry

[Guest fatima]

Assalamu alaikum,

I am a 28 year old woman. I have a problem I don't know how to fix. I am very confused and tired and exhausted and worried and I don't know what to do. I really need help. I try my best to be a good muslimah and do what is right and avoid haram. I have wanted to marry for a long time and I have made dua for years and years and I have expressed this to my father in my very early 20s. My parents have not found me any matches and I became depressed. I am not an ugly, I am an educated woman, good looking, smart, and muminah. I see most women my age with husbands and children and their own lives and I feel stuck. Alhamdulillah for everything but it is very painful. The older I get the less options I have. As a woman close to my 30s I don't know what options I have left.

 

This year I have gotten no proposals. I also live in the west and we are very distant from the community and my father doesn't allow us to mix with people or allow my mother to make friends so our options are even more limited.

 

I recently met a man who is also shia muslim and a good educated man. I really like this man and he has a lot of qualities I have been looking for in a husband. When I suggested him to my father he became very very angry and rude to me, he said things I do not wish to repeat and threatened my life. He did not allow me to marry him because the man is not from the same culture as us. My father says I can only marry from my own culture. I feel as though this man is kind and religious and I would like to marry him. I am not getting any younger and I do not have any prospects. The man and I decided to not speak anymore to avoid any haram that may occur. Him and I have not overstepped boundaries or committed any haram. We decided to not message each other often and speak so that chances of haram are reduced. We still wish to marry except we are not speaking now so that we can give it some time and avoid haram.

 

My father has made it clear he will not allow me to marry any man outside my culture and he says alot of racist things. I don't know what to do. I feel very lonely and depressed. I don't know what to do. I'm treated like a child and I have no options.

 

My mother knows the situation and is very understanding. my father is not understanding or kind. I don't wish to hurt my family or do something haram. All I want is to be able to marry the man that interests me peacefully in a halal and peaceful way. I don't even want money or an extravagant wedding or anything beyond reason. I just want to be happy and peaceful. I just want to marry a man that interests me like any other woman.

 

I try not to feel hopeless because I don't want to be ungrateful and I say alhamdulillah for everything but every day that goes by I fall deeper and deeper into my sadness and my depression. I don't have energy or will to do anything.

 

Sometimes I wish for death because it's easier. My dad doesn't allow us to go and meet people or interact with the community. we are just stuck at home. I have a masters and I work. That is all that I have in life. work and sleep. and now with covid 19 all I do is work from home and sleep and i feel like a waste of a person with no future. I just want to marry this man. I just want what any other woman my age wants. I don't want to hurt anyone or cause problems. I want to have a life. someone to love me and for me to love them back. To travel and have children and a home and be able to feel like a adult and have the options to do things. I have waited for marriage as a way to finally live and be happy but I am  stuck. I'm not allowed to meet with friends or travel or anything. now i am not allowed to marry. It is killing me to feel this way. I don't feel that I want something crazy. I am so confused and lonely and my heart and brain can not take this. I can't sleep because I am so stressed. I don't know what to do. I just want to marry but I don't want to cause harm to my family. I am torn. I know there is much worse in the world. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Is it haram to want to marry a man of my choosing? can i get a kheira? What do I do? What is the islamic ruling on such a situation?

 

I see a lot of lectures that say not allowing a daughter to marry based on race, culture or ethnicity is not a valid reason. But what does one do in this situation? Do I remain unmarried and depressed? I'm scared of telling my father again. I don't want my mother or siblings to hurt as a result of me. I am torn between being happy and married to a man I am interested in but hurting my family or unhappy and unmarried but keep my family from hurting. My mother supports my marriage to this man. It is just my father who says no. I am the oldest so I don't have a big brother or any other family to step in. When I say i'm scared of hurting my family I mean i'm scared my father will take his anger out on my mother and siblings. I am very lost. Please if you can provide me with some kind of direction or help. Is there a specific dua I have to do? I am really desperate and sad. 

 

 

Thank you very much for reading my message.  

Wa alsalam 

Edited December 27, 2020 by starlight
Broke down post into paragraphs

[Guest]

Salam sister, can you get a Molana or some elder person from the mosque to speak to your dad? Or ask that man to send a proposal through the Imam of the mosque or could your Mum talk to the wife of local Imam and get them to speak to your dad? This definitely requires intervention. 

[GEU_40]

For your situation, there are two things to keep in mind:

1- Qata ar Rahm is a major sin i.e. cutting off all ties with your family, even if they cut their ties with you.

2-That being said, based on your description, your father has no religious grounds to stop you from this marriage. In this regard, his permission for marriage may hold no water.

 

Like @starlight said, you may need outside intervention and support to speak to your father. In an extreme situation, if the local Imam is unable to convince him, he might be able to perform your nikah anyways (it's not ideal, but it's an option. Just confirm it with your local Imam first.)

Also, try to get the support of your family members who are on your side.

[Guest fatima]

8 minutes ago, starlight said:

Salam sister, can you get a Molana or some elder person from the mosque to speak to your dad? Or ask that man to send a proposal through the Imam of the mosque or could your Mum talk to the wife of local Imam and get them to speak to your dad? This definitely requires intervention. 

Salam sister, My father doesn't listen even if I do ask a Molana from the mosque. I am embarrassed he will disrespect him and he doesn't listen to anyone and thinks he is always right. Its very difficult and I have considered this but I know his personality and the way he is 

[Guest fatima]

3 minutes ago, Sabrejet said:

For your situation, there are two things to keep in mind:

1- Qata ar Rahm is a major sin i.e. cutting off all ties with your family, even if they cut their ties with you.

2-That being said, based on your description, your father has no religious grounds to stop you from this marriage. In this regard, his permission for marriage may hold no water.

 

Like @starlight said, you may need outside intervention and support to speak to your father. In an extreme situation, if the local Imam is unable to convince him, he might be able to perform your nikah anyways (it's not ideal, but it's an option. Just confirm it with your local Imam first.)

Also, try to get the support of your family members who are on your side.

Salam, thank you for your reply. I agree I would never want to cut ties with my family I love them. I have also considered the nikah without my fathers permission but I feel guilty and I don't want to embarrass my parents. I just don't know how to convince him. I've even considered waiting till I'm 35 and unmarried and pray he lets me marry the man but ofcourse this is not what I want to do. I am very confused with this situation

[realizm]

In your opinion, what are your father's plans to get you married ? 

 

[Guest Fatima]

1 minute ago, realizm said:

In your opinion, what are your father's plans to get you married ? 

 

He wants me to marry as soon as possible. He just wants me to marry someone from the same culture. And I have had no issues with that except that he has not found a suitable man nor has there been any matches.  This year we have received no proposals especially since these lockdowns. This man however is there, he is shia muslim, mumin and practicing, has a degree and a job, has akhlaq, everyone has said he is a good man and has a good reputation and I am interested in him, i don't see what is wrong with him from an islamic perspective. he is what i want from a husband. However this man is not from our culture and converted a few years ago. (i met him after his conversion) So I don't know what to do in this situation. I don't have any other prospects and this man is a good man who ticks the boxes and I would like to marry him. My father wants a specific man he has not found. He's been difficult with all other men who have come even from our own culture. He wont allow a man to speak to me to get to know me with his permission. A proposal has never gotten to the stage of talking. I've had a lot but when they see how difficult he is they rather go somewhere else. They'll ask to speak and to meet and he'll prolong till people get tired. 

[GEU_40]

33 minutes ago, Guest fatima said:

Salam, thank you for your reply. I agree I would never want to cut ties with my family I love them. I have also considered the nikah without my fathers permission but I feel guilty and I don't want to embarrass my parents. I just don't know how to convince him. I've even considered waiting till I'm 35 and unmarried and pray he lets me marry the man but ofcourse this is not what I want to do. I am very confused with this situation

Suppose that for the sake of your father's happiness, you sacrifice your happiness. Are you absolutely certain that you won't develop a grudge against him in your heart, somewhere down the road? That might actually cause more damage in the long run.

A father's obedience is binding in Islam, but there are limits. Your case sounds like one of those limits.

As for marrying without his permission, there are two ways: the tactful way, and going all out nuclear i.e. just going ahead with it, without his knowledge (it may not be haram, but people will talk). Get a shia scholar involved, or an elder in your family, or someone in your your community that your dad respects. Try to make this person present your case to your dad. If he doesn't budge, then you can go ahead and marry. No one will really blame you; at least you tried to get your dad's permission.

 

Anyways, blood is thicker than water. When my shia dad and sunni mom wanted to get married, their families weren't quite on board. Lets just say that guns were pointed. They still went ahead with it, with support from a few sane members of the family. A couple of decades later, they are happily married, and still have good ties with their families.

Edited December 27, 2020 by Sabrejet

[Guest Fatima]

1 minute ago, Sabrejet said:

Suppose that for the sake of your father's happiness, you sacrifice your happiness. Are you absolutely certain that you won't develop a grudge against him in your heart, somewhere down the road? That might actually cause more damage in the long run.

A father's obedience is binding in Islam, but there are limits. Your case sounds like one of those limits.

As for marrying without his permission, there are two ways: the tactful way, and going all out nuclear i.e. just going ahead with it, without his knowledge. Get a shia scholar involved, or an elder in your family, or someone in your your community that your dad respects. Try to make this person present your case to your dad. If he doesn't budge, then you can go ahead and marry. No one will really blame you; at least you tried to get your dad's permission.

 

Anyways, blood is thicker than water. When my shia dad and sunni mom wanted to get married, their families weren't quite on board. Lets just say that guns were pointed. They still went ahead with it, with support from a few sane members of the family. A couple of decades later, they are happily married, and still have good ties with their families.

Thank you for your reply. I feel as though I already hold a grudge against him. I feel as though I have done all I can to be a good daughter to the best of my ability. My sadness, depression and confusion is down to his decision and its hard to not feel resentful. Ofcourse, he is my father and I love him and would never want to cut ties.

I have thought of bringing in an elder but I don't have a connection to many elder family members back home and we live in the west without any family members nearby. I do not want to make it a huge thing and bringing in people from back home. He has not given me any real reason for rejecting this man except for him being not from our culture. I feel like for the sake of my family I'd rather be tactful and not do anything that hurts anyone or comes across as shameful or selfish if that makes sense. I am in a very confused state of mind

[GEU_40]

10 minutes ago, Guest Fatima said:

I feel like for the sake of my family I'd rather be tactful and not do anything that hurts anyone or comes across as shameful or selfish if that makes sense

This is quite common among young women, actually, especially amongst young Muslim women. Sadly, I've seen cases of such women turned bitter and resentful when they grow old (like some spinsters in my extended family). That's something you might want to consider.

I gather that there is no maulana or elder nearby; try to get the support of your mother or someone in your household, and have a family talk. If you feel that's unrealistic, then a family talk might be out of question. Search around for the fatwas of marjas for guidance in this case (most of them say that you can go ahead with the marriage, but explore all diplomatic avenues first).

In the end, the decision rests with you of course.

[Guest]

Okay, so how ready is this man to marry you? Will he marry you if you marry without your father's permission?

Is it possible for your mother to take a stand for you? Will she be willing to join the nikkah ceremony even if your father refuses?

 Please consult a Molana or your marja for a ruling in case you need you go ahead without your father's consent 

Last but not the least, start praying istikhara duas, everyday. Allah will make easy whatever is best for in this dunya and Akhira. 

Lots of duas. I wish men realised that being a guardian over women is a responsibility and not a privilege to control and oppress women, a responsibility about which they will be questioned on the day of judgement. 

[Guest Fatima]

9 minutes ago, starlight said:

Okay, so how ready is this man to marry you? Will he marry you if you marry without your father's permission?

Is it possible for your mother to take a stand for you? Will she be willing to join the nikkah ceremony even if your father refuses?

 Please consult a Molana or your marja for a ruling in case you need you go ahead without your father's consent 

Last but not the least, start praying istikhara duas, everyday. Allah will make easy whatever is best for in this dunya and Akhira. 

Lots of duas. I wish men realised that being a guardian over women is a responsibility and not a privilege to control and oppress women, a responsibility about which they will be questioned on the day of judgement. 

The man is aware of the situation. He is able to marry me, he would marry me without his permission however that is not ideal and the man would like a relationship with my father. My mother would take a stand for me but i don't think he would allow her to come to a nikkah ceremony. I also feel bad putting my mother in a situation like this.  I have emailed my marja's office and I am awaiting his response. I do make a lot of dua, I mostly do dua yastasheer, dua kumayl and dua tawassul  and I ask for help. How does someone do istikhara duas? I am only aware of istikhara through the Quran (asking a question and getting an answer through the Quran). I don't want to lose my family. I just wish I could know what is right to do. 

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Guest Fatima said:

How does someone do istikhara duas?

https://www.al-islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-allah-muhammad-baqir-haideri/section-6-various-forms-istikhara

 

10 minutes ago, Guest Fatima said:

I also feel bad putting my mother in a situation like this

Someone has to take a stand for you. Don't feel bad. This is your right. I know if someone who was in a similar situation. She was the youngest among her siblings. Mother passed away, stepmom and father didn't want to marry her off because then there would be no one to take care of them. She was 40+ and unmarried. Eventually older siblings decided to intervene. Fixed her marriage with a widower without informing the father. Told father they were taking her away for the weekend and secretly got her married off. She couldn't have children but at least she found a good husband and a home of her own. Not long after her marriage father mended the relations. 

[Abu_Zahra]

Wa alaikum as salam

Sorry to hear about your situation. Perhaps this young man should meet your father and speak to him.

This can of course go in different directions. Positively, maybe it will ease things and get your father to reconsider. Negatively, your father might lose his cool and insult the young man. 

If he is prepared to take the risk and face potential insults it could be worth a try.

This way both of your minds are clear that you did the right thing and approached your father. If you decide to get married anyway he only has himself to blame if he misbehaves.

I pray that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) assists you in this challenging situation. 

[Guest Fatima]

24 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

Wa alaikum as salam

Sorry to hear about your situation. Perhaps this young man should meet your father and speak to him.

This can of course go in different directions. Positively, maybe it will ease things and get your father to reconsider. Negatively, your father might lose his cool and insult the young man. 

If he is prepared to take the risk and face potential insults it could be worth a try.

This way both of your minds are clear that you did the right thing and approached your father. If you decide to get married anyway he only has himself to blame if he misbehaves.

I pray that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) assists you in this challenging situation. 

My dad refuses. He already tried and he insulted him and refused to speak to him at all. Thank you , Inshallah this will become clearer

[Guest Fatima]

1 hour ago, starlight said:

https://www.al-islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-allah-muhammad-baqir-haideri/section-6-various-forms-istikhara

 

Someone has to take a stand for you. Don't feel bad. This is your right. I know if someone who was in a similar situation. She was the youngest among her siblings. Mother passed away, stepmom and father didn't want to marry her off because then there would be no one to take care of them. She was 40+ and unmarried. Eventually older siblings decided to intervene. Fixed her marriage with a widower without informing the father. Told father they were taking her away for the weekend and secretly got her married off. She couldn't have children but at least she found a good husband and a home of her own. Not long after her marriage father mended the relations. 

It is very difficult. I will try to see if i can speak to my father again and try to find a sheikh or someone to intervene. Please keep me in your duas

[realizm]

Getting married in secret here seems quite hard. When it happens in our countries it is because the spouses flee to remote places where family of the groom protects the couple, tribal style. 

Life for a runaway couple here would quickly turn into hell for the brides.

[Ashvazdanghe]

On 12/27/2020 at 8:46 PM, Guest fatima said:

Is there a specific dua I have to do?

Some religious scholars recommended Ja'far al-Tayyar Prayer to ask God for the facilitation of one's important tasks, such as marriage.

In the book, Zad al-ma'ad, a hadith is cited from Mufaddal b. 'Umar who quoted Imam al-Sadiq (a) as saying:

O Mufaddal! Whenever you have an urgent need, perform Ja'far al-Tayyar Prayer, and then recite the following supplication and ask your needs from God; they will be met, God willing.

After performing the prayer, one should raise one's hands and address God as: “...یا رَبِّ یا رَبِّ یا رَبِّ” (O Lord, O Lord, O Lord, …)......... 

https://en.wikishia.net/view/Ja'far_al-Tayyar_Prayer

[theEndIsNear]

Poor girl