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In the Name of God بسم الله

Question for the sisters

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Guest coffeelatte

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Guest coffeelatte

Salaamalaikum,

Inshallah this message reaches everyone in the best of health and imaan.

A genuine question for the sisters in the west. What qualities in a married man would make you want to marry him as a second wife? I mean this Islamically and without ruining his first marriage and no intentions of causing any fitna in his life going forward.

Thank you.

Edited by Hameedeh
OP request to edit the title and the original post.
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Guest Pure Poison

I am a married sister, however, I think I know why a certain kind of women becomes a man’s second wife since I am a woman and know the inner psychological thoughts of other women—it’s only because she loves being a home wrecker. 
 

All women know that there are plenty of fish in the sea. But for some women, it’s not enough to just find A MAN who is single—some women revel in the idea of stealing another woman’s man. These types of women often have deeply rooted feelings of insecurity and like men who cheat, they feel like they have to prove to themselves that they are attractive and better than other people, because for woman like that, the ultimate desirability is knowing that the forbidden fruit has somehow made an impression on off-limits men. They develop a weird high and addiction seeing the drama that unfolds as she “wins” over the man who is already married. Women like this love the hunt and chase, and inevitable break-down of someone’s marriage and seeing other people become miserable.
 

Every woman knows that no woman likes a man getting a second wife, but they don’t care. They’d break the “girl code” and steal another woman’s man and may even get married to him just to stick it to someone else. In short, most of the women who becomes the second wife of another man don’t do it with the intention of living her own life and “sharing” her husband, but by ruining the relationship with his first wife and leaving her for this new wife. Any real, good woman would never pursue a married man after learning he’s married.  

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Salam

I'm wondering what made you ask this particular question lol 

As a woman .. I think for every woman it would be hard to accept the fact that she has to share her husband with an other woman..but there are some women for whom it's possible or easy to compromise on it if they are treated equally.

19 hours ago, Guest coffeelatte said:

What qualities in a married man would make you want to marry him as a second wife?

The same qualities that would make me want to marry him as his first wife.

Wasalam

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20 hours ago, Guest coffeelatte said:

Salaamalaikum,

Inshallah this message reaches everyone in the best of health and imaan.

A genuine question for the unmarried sisters in the west. What qualities in a married man would make you want to marry him as a second wife? I mean this Islamically and without ruining his first marriage and no intentions of causing any fitna in his life going forward.

Thank you.

Marrying as a second wife would be the last thing on my mind. But since you asked here is my answer;

Firstly he should be able to provide Nafaqah to both parties

He should be fair and honest

His intention should be transparent to solely raising a family in the name of Allah

Lastly he mustn't marry a second wife without preparing for any tension.

Wa salam

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5 hours ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

Salam

I'm wondering what made you ask this particular question lol 

As a woman .. I think for every woman it would be hard to accept the fact that she has to share her husband with an other woman..but there are some women for whom it's possible or easy to compromise on it if they are treated equally.

The same qualities that would make me want to marry him as his first wife.

Wasalam

Walekum salaam,

Thank you for the reply. So what I gather is, why share when you can have a man to yourself fully? Sure, I can understand where you're coming from.

I ask because I realised what got me my first wife is what won't get me a second. So I want to know what Shia women of faith look for to enter into a polygyny relationship.

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On 12/22/2020 at 4:16 PM, Guest coffeelatte said:

Sure, I can understand where you're coming from.

Lool can you explain that to me in detail please... what do you mean by that

I have seen men who have two wifes and they are treated equally..so both live in peace

I have seen men who can't even treat the first one fairly

So in our society ...if the woman considers to marry a man who is already married..she will be seen as homewrecker or someone evil...even it's not her intention to do so

Sure a woman should consider first a man who is unmarried ....but what about if you have feelings for someone who is already married and has all the qualities you are looking in a man ..and he has able to treat both equally ....but unfortunately those are only rare cases that actually exist

If you are asking my personal opinion.....Big NO... I want never share my husband... unless there is valid reason for it 

And if there is a man which I really love despite knowing that he is married ... first I would make sure if he is able to keep that balance and if his first wife is okay with that...but I'm sure that happens really rarely.... and with me I don't think that will happen... Really low chances

The qualities ... remains the same ..what you look normally in a man..but for the married man you will expect him to be more responsible

I hope know I made more clearly ... I hope you can judge my opinion know better:worried:

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On 12/21/2020 at 7:12 PM, Guest coffeelatte said:

Salaamalaikum,

Inshallah this message reaches everyone in the best of health and imaan.

A genuine question for the sisters in the west. What qualities in a married man would make you want to marry him as a second wife? I mean this Islamically and without ruining his first marriage and no intentions of causing any fitna in his life going forward.

Thank you.

I'm married so it's purely hypothetical. 

I'd have to speak directly with the first wife and be fully confident that this is what she wants too. 

He would have to be able to work and support both/all families to a reasonable but not extravagant standard. Each wife and her children must be provided with her own home, legally in her name. The husband should have a written legal will, and possibly life insurance to benefit each wife and her children in case he passes on before her.

But mostly, I'd need to see evidence that he is a fair and decent person. 

 

 

Edit: to keep things fair, if they live in a country in which legally registered polygamy is not allowed, neither/no marriage should be legally registered unless there are extenuating circumstances. (I'm of the opinion that marriage is none of a secular government's business anyway.) A legally registered wife will have advantages over a religiously married only wife. 

Edited by notme
Added a thought that seemed relevant
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8 hours ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

Lool can you explain that to me in detail please... what do you mean by that

 

Salaamalaikum,

I did in the prior sentence, "...why share when you can have a man to yourself fully"

 

8 hours ago, Ain-Al Hayat said:

And if there is a man which I really love despite knowing that he is married ... first I would make sure if he is able to keep that balance and if his first wife is okay with that...but I'm sure that happens really rarely

Thank you.

 

1 hour ago, notme said:

I'm married so it's purely hypothetical. 

I'd have to speak directly with the first wife and be fully confident that this is what she wants too. 

He would have to be able to work and support both/all families to a reasonable but not extravagant standard. Each wife and her children must be provided with her own home, legally in her name. The husband should have a written legal will, and possibly life insurance to benefit each wife and her children in case he passes on before her.

But mostly, I'd need to see evidence that he is a fair and decent person. 

Thank you.

 

So if I could summarise, there are 3 things: sound financial stability (you mention a lot of money related things ), emotional maturity and justice. I know this is a hypothetical reply but you almost ask for perfection there which takes years of experience and reflection to develop.  Many men die and still won't be able to buy a house in their lifetime for e.g. or reach a level of justice with their families etc.

 

So if a women wants the full package in a man then what would she bring in to the relationship if the man has it all with his first wife? Why would the first wife want to share when she worked her life off to develop these qualities with him?

 

Thanks

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2 hours ago, Guest coffeelatte said:

Many men die and still won't be able to buy a house in their lifetime for e.g. or reach a level of justice with their families etc.

He can rent it for his wives, I just want him to provide it, and not be able to take it away.

A man either needs to be poor or rich to be perfect in justice to multiple wives. I've been poor before and it's not nice. 

The most important piece is emotional maturity. On everything else, there can be compromise. 

2 hours ago, Guest coffeelatte said:

So if a women wants the full package in a man then what would she bring in to the relationship if the man has it all with his first wife? Why would the first wife want to share when she worked her life off to develop these qualities with him?

These are good questions. I don't know the answers. 

Edited by notme
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42 minutes ago, notme said:

He can rent it for his wives, I just want him to provide it, and not be able to take it away.

A man either needs to be poor or rich to be perfect in justice to multiple wives. I've been poor before and it's not nice. 

The most important piece is emotional maturity. On everything else, there can be compromise. 

These are good questions. I don't know the answers. 

Thank you for your replies.

 

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) bless you and your family, through the rights of the Ahlulbayt AS.

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Posted (edited)
On 12/22/2020 at 2:47 PM, Guest Pure Poison said:

some women revel in the idea of stealing another woman’s man.

LOL love how you make the man in the situation seem oh so innocent and weak to the woman's advances. It takes two to tango, Guest Pure Poison. Sure, there's obviously issues with women who willingly and knowingly pursue relationships they know will have destructive consequences, but the married man should have made clear his intentions to remain a good, loyal husband to his wife. You're making alot of sweeping generalisations. 

@OP, I personally wouldn't ever consider it unless there is real justifiable excuse for him to remain married to the first woman. I'm curious, why would a man who has a wife who seems to be so agreeable want to go and look elsewhere? Is it just because the first wife can't have babies, or she has some sort of disability or illness? I can't think of any situation where I would accept becoming a second wife tbh, and I don't know any women who would. Perhaps you could clarify some context for us? 

Also, this isn't something you can achieve just by making a list of 'desirable qualities '. You need to think about why it is you need a second wife and what makes you worthy of not only one, but two women. 

Edited by 2Timeless
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Guest coffeelatte
On 1/3/2021 at 2:12 AM, 2Timeless said:

 

@OP, I personally wouldn't ever consider it unless there is real justifiable excuse for him to remain married to the first woman. I'm curious, why would a man who has a wife who seems to be so agreeable want to go and look elsewhere? Is it just because the first wife can't have babies, or she has some sort of disability or illness? I can't think of any situation where I would accept becoming a second wife tbh, and I don't know any women who would. Perhaps you could clarify some context for us? 

Also, this isn't something you can achieve just by making a list of 'desirable qualities '. You need to think about why it is you need a second wife and what makes you worthy of not only one, but two women. 

Interesting question. Yea nothing wrong with my first wife, Alhamdolillah we are deeply in love with each other and there are no fights that we carry on with. She is perfect for me and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has blessed us with a healthy family.

 

Polygyny is a right that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has given a man which he can practise, provided that he can establish justice. So if a man is able to do that and a woman is able to walk into a well established man's life then I don't see anything wrong with it.

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As a man I believe in polygyny. I believe in what's halal and haram. Polygyny is halal.

However, most of the times polygyny is not necessary but rather has to do with our insecurity to prove for ourselves and others that we still got the game.

If you good pious wife, I don't see why you would want to introduce another woman into your life.


I can see moments when polygyny would come in hand, but in most circumstances I only see it cause problems, for your wife, your family and perhaps even kids if you got any.
Me personally I would consider doing polygyny to help other woman in need, or woman who come from abusive families etc.

Are you sure this has not to do with your insecurity problems?

Edited by lissenma
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On 1/15/2021 at 9:54 PM, lissenma said:

As a man I believe in polygyny. I believe in what's halal and haram. Polygyny is halal.

However, most of the times polygyny is not necessary but rather has to do with our insecurity to prove for ourselves and others that we still got the game.

If you good pious wife, I don't see why you would want to introduce another woman into your life.


I can see moments when polygyny would come in hand, but in most circumstances I only see it cause problems, for your wife, your family and perhaps even kids if you got any.
Me personally I would consider doing polygyny to help other woman in need, or woman who come from abusive families etc.

Are you sure this has not to do with your insecurity problems?

 

Salamalaikum brother,

 

Polygyny is not a solution to current martial problems with existing wife. A man should resolve them first before even thinking about polygyny. Otherwise, if a man is just, emotionally and financially stable then the simple fact that God has given him the right is sufficient reason for polygyny.

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On 1/18/2021 at 4:52 PM, Guest coffeelatte said:

if a man is just

“And you do not have the ability to do justice between the wives, even though you may wish (to do so)…” (Surah an-Nisaa, 4:129)

https://www.al-islam.org/articles/concept-polygamy-and-prophets-marriages-sayyid-muhammad-rizvi

 

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15 hours ago, lissenma said:

“And you do not have the ability to do justice between the wives, even though you may wish (to do so)…” (Surah an-Nisaa, 4:129)

https://www.al-islam.org/articles/concept-polygamy-and-prophets-marriages-sayyid-muhammad-rizvi

 

Respected brother,

 

If you want to debate polygyny, please feel free to start another thread. 

 

The verse you have quoted is explained by Ayatollah Mahdi Pooya as follows:

 

Howsoever one may try one will never be able to treat one's wives equally to fulfil the demands of justice, but one can at least avoid inclination to any wife exclusively so that the others may not be left suspended. One may not be able to observe perfect equality among one's wives in respect of love and attachment, yet one is not, on that account, by any means warranted in showing voluntary favours exclusively to any wife to the utter neglect of the others. The lives of the Holy Prophet and his Ahl ul Bayt are a model, in this connection, to all Muslims. They did not even perform ablution in the house of the wife whose "turn" was terminated. In all events ihsan and taqwa are the best means to effect reconciliation and harmony.

 

https://quran.al-islam.org/

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9 hours ago, Guest coffeelatte said:

If you want to debate polygyny, please feel free to start another thread. 

I am for polygyny brother. What I am saying is that  it's not as easy as it sounds. And it can cause many problems for the lives invovled even if the wives have no objection with it.

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22 hours ago, Guest coffeelatte said:

They did not even perform ablution in the house of the wife whose "turn" was terminated

What level of patience and sacrifice does a woman need to happily accept that her husband will only give her time and attention when it is her turn. And when her own turn is terminated, how great does she need to be to not harbour any feelings of jealousy for the other wives because of whom she has to divide / share her husband?

What does Islam teach to women who are wives of a man who has multiple wives ? How should these women tolerate the "loss" of significant portion of their husbands life because the husband has to do justice and divide his time and finances equally? 

Also, the justice part I believe doesn't apply to how much love the husband has to show to his multiple wives. It is permissible for him to love one wife more than another. But should the man tell his multiple wives that he loves all of them equally (even if he loves one of them more than the other)? 

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Women who agree to be a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife do so for a varying amount of reasons. Some choose to completely be desensitised to the first wife so that it doesn't bother them as much and that is how they cope. Others just get on with it.

 

If you are in anyway desiring a second wife before or after marriage you should communicate this ASAP to the first wife, the more of a surprise it is the more shocked she will be.

Its a test for everyone involved in the marriage, I would find out if the first wife wants to know the second one or not and go from there. Just don't string the second one along either.

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On 21/01/2021 at 2:12 PM, Anonymous-Male said:

What level of patience and sacrifice does a woman need to happily accept that her husband will only give her time and attention when it is her turn. And when her own turn is terminated, how great does she need to be to not harbour any feelings of jealousy for the other wives because of whom she has to divide / share her husband?

What does Islam teach to women who are wives of a man who has multiple wives ? How should these women tolerate the "loss" of significant portion of their husbands life because the husband has to do justice and divide his time and finances equally? 

Also, the justice part I believe doesn't apply to how much love the husband has to show to his multiple wives. It is permissible for him to love one wife more than another. But should the man tell his multiple wives that he loves all of them equally (even if he loves one of them more than the other)? 

Considering that polygamy is the right of the man (who fufills the conditions) the wives are in a simplified manner supposed to accept it. If they don't want to then that's also there choice but if the man wants one and he's going ahead, there isn't anything she can do to stop him in a technical sense. 

 

Its natural for a man to love one wife more than the other but should he go announcing this or making it obvious by not giving the other her proper rights? Of course not, why? Because this will lead to friction and tension in the home. Just because he loves one more than the other and might want to spend more time with her, that doesn't change his obligations, and thats where he is tested after choosing to live a life with polygamy.

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On 12/22/2020 at 5:12 AM, Guest coffeelatte said:

What qualities in a married man would make you want to marry him as a second wife? 

(Very) Deep pockets, approaching 90s, cognitively impaired otherwise but has enough lucid moments to be able to sign advance directives. Allergic to peanuts. cannot differentiate between peanuts and his heart medication without glasses.Lives on a remote island(privately owned of course) where adrenaline and antihistamine shots take minimum of two hours to arrive.

On 12/22/2020 at 5:12 AM, Guest coffeelatte said:

Inshallah this message reaches everyone in the best of health and imaan.

Alhumdollilah. Thank you for your duas. :) 

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Guest Ms_Enigma

To answer the OPs question:

He must be a genius in the office; a gentleman in the living room, a prankster in the family room, a cook in the kitchen and a bom* in the bedroom! On a more serious note, I am Alhumdulliah financially independent, and being a second wife to the "right" man may even have its own perks. For example, hopefully he won't be too needy and clingy (as he has his first wife as well), and thus he'll give me the space to lead/live my own life. I quite like the idea of an 'occasional husband'. It rather suits my existing lifestyle needs. But realistically speaking, there's a huge difference between what one envisages in 'theory' and what one actually feels like in 'practice' when in that situation. As one of the other sisters have pointed out, the man must be extremely emotionally intelligent to be able to balance the needs of two wives/households. I suspect he would need extraordinary time management and organisational skills too. Personally for me, a great sense of humour goes a long way. Razor sharp wit with humility is essential. I'd expect him to be 'a man of the world' and yet at the same time to be God fearing, and to have good knowledge of Islam. An engaging conversationalist; sound general knowledge, a magnetic personality and a kind heart are a must. An amalgamation of brain n brawn, and strong masculinity combined with empathetic sensitivity would be highly desirable. It's vital to share the same values and outlook towards life, and to have mutual respect for each other. Furthermore, it's pertinent to see the potential of oneself and the other person growing and evolving into better human beings owing to the positive vibes/optimistic outlook that both parties bring to the relationship. It should be about two beautiful energies coming together that can weather the storms that life throws at you in unison (and both individuals should hope to come out stronger as a couple on the other side). A husband that can be your friend as he just 'gets you', (and vice versa), but is still the 'alpha male' when needed, is important to me. It's equally fundamental that both people should feel comfortable just existing together i.e. enjoying the silences together as well as the conversations. It goes without saying that physical attraction is a necessity. A good level of personal hygiene and respect for one's health is necessary. Most importantly though, you should both love each other for you truly are. But do such men/women/relationships exist? One can't really write out a passage about a 'wish list' as if one is ordering a custom made accessory!   

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19 hours ago, Guest Ms_Enigma said:

To answer the OPs question:

He must be a genius in the office; a gentleman in the living room, a prankster in the family room, a cook in the kitchen and a bom* in the bedroom! On a more serious note, I am Alhumdulliah financially independent, and being a second wife to the "right" man may even have its own perks. For example, hopefully he won't be too needy and clingy (as he has his first wife as well), and thus he'll give me the space to lead/live my own life. I quite like the idea of an 'occasional husband'. It rather suits my existing lifestyle needs. But realistically speaking, there's a huge difference between what one envisages in 'theory' and what one actually feels like in 'practice' when in that situation. As one of the other sisters have pointed out, the man must be extremely emotionally intelligent to be able to balance the needs of two wives/households. I suspect he would need extraordinary time management and organisational skills too. Personally for me, a great sense of humour goes a long way. Razor sharp wit with humility is essential. I'd expect him to be 'a man of the world' and yet at the same time to be God fearing, and to have good knowledge of Islam. An engaging conversationalist; sound general knowledge, a magnetic personality and a kind heart are a must. An amalgamation of brain n brawn, and strong masculinity combined with empathetic sensitivity would be highly desirable. It's vital to share the same values and outlook towards life, and to have mutual respect for each other. Furthermore, it's pertinent to see the potential of oneself and the other person growing and evolving into better human beings owing to the positive vibes/optimistic outlook that both parties bring to the relationship. It should be about two beautiful energies coming together that can weather the storms that life throws at you in unison (and both individuals should hope to come out stronger as a couple on the other side). A husband that can be your friend as he just 'gets you', (and vice versa), but is still the 'alpha male' when needed, is important to me. It's equally fundamental that both people should feel comfortable just existing together i.e. enjoying the silences together as well as the conversations. It goes without saying that physical attraction is a necessity. A good level of personal hygiene and respect for one's health is necessary. Most importantly though, you should both love each other for you truly are. But do such men/women/relationships exist? One can't really write out a passage about a 'wish list' as if one is ordering a custom made accessory!   

 

 

Thank you for such a detailed reply and for actually answering the question!

 

1) Assuming such a perfect man exists then without any doubt he wouldn't have been able to get there alone. His first wife would have had to go through huge sacrifices for him to become alpha. So what would the second wife bring to the relationship if the man has it all and has become that due to the hard work of the first wife? This is assuming that there are no problems in the monogamous marriage.

 

2) "....the man must be extremely emotionally intelligent to be able to balance the needs of two wives/households." What does this exactly mean on a day to day basis? I understand women are highly volatile emotionally so what does it mean for a man to be there emotionally for her? 

 

Thank you once again for the time to reply to my query.

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Guest Ms_Enigma

Dear OP,

Firstly, I respect that you are gracious enough to credit women with the diligence, assiduousness and time that they invest into refining and shaping their respective husbands into the "alpha" men that they eventually become. Kudos to you for the aforementioned.

My previous response was intended to be a little tongue-in-cheek. It's highly probable that no-one else directly answered your questions on this thread because this is not a subject that would ever cross any normal woman's mind.

With reference to the first question you posed to me, what you need to comprehend is that the onus will always be on upon the man to demonstrate/prove what a woman will gain from potentially being his second wife. I can assure you that there's not a single woman of any religion/caste/creed/heritage/background/status/location who will ever ponder in her spare time... "Hmmm, what value can I add to an already married man's life to convince him to marry me and to accept me as his second wife". The exception to this rule may be if the woman's a calculating 'gold digger' and her prey is a man of preposterous wealth.    

It is utterly disrespectful to ask a woman: "What would the second wife bring to the relationship if the man has it all and has become that due to the hard work of the first wife"? Frankly, in my humble opinion, the question itself is rather absurd. I'm certain that with the benefit of hindsight, you too will realise that your question gives the impression that you appear to think that you are a coveted prize. Please allow me to be completely frank with you - being a married man will never make you a desirable option for most women.

There is a saying: "When a man marries his mistress, he creates an immediate job vacancy". Many would suspect that this same rule also applies to the second wife too. If you already "have it all" with your first wife mashAllah, and despite this you still yearn for a second wife, how long will it be before you seek a third wife as well? Which woman in the "West" would choose to put herself in such a precarious position? 

I acknowledge that I am not actually answering the first question you asked me, but I hope that this is 'food for thought' for you. I am by no means judging you for choosing to marry again. This is without a shadow of doubt an option that Islam gives you. I am however suggesting that you need to rethink your approach and mindset towards this whole matter. 

With regards to your second question, I concur that some women can be emotionally volatile at times. But I feel that it's grossly unfair to generalise and to assume that this is the case for all women all of the time. Realistically speaking though, you need to apprehend and brace yourself for the fact that what you are proposing will naturally evoke a plethora of sentiments for your first wife.

"Emotionally intelligent" can cover a wide spectrum of situations. For example, you need to take on board that when you discuss the subject of your intended second marriage with your first wife, she will most probably, (and in my opinion quite rightly), grapple with an array of emotions ranging from heartbreak, anger, regret, anxiety, paranoia, suspicion and shame all rolled into one. How will you react to this avalanche of reactions? How will you deal with the arguments and/or volatile environment that may ensue every time you leave your first wife's house to meet your second wife, and/or, vice versa? Will you carry the emotional baggage/tension created from one wife to the other wife? I could give you a thousand different scenarios that you could hypothetically face. 

It would take a man of immense 'emotional intelligence' to be able to navigate such delicate circumstances without allowing it: 1, to take a toll on the man's own emotional well being 2, to ensure that there isn't a knock on effect of one wife's actions/reactions/emotions on the man's relationship with the other wife.

I hope this helps.

 

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On 12/22/2020 at 11:12 AM, Guest coffeelatte said:

Salaamalaikum,

Inshallah this message reaches everyone in the best of health and imaan.

A genuine question for the sisters in the west. What qualities in a married man would make you want to marry him as a second wife? I mean this Islamically and without ruining his first marriage and no intentions of causing any fitna in his life going forward.

Thank you.

If ur looking to marry more than one woman, marry women that are widows that are old that are generally unwanted that have issues and problems in life where marrying them would solve their problems 

don’t marry for lust for sex for a good time multiple wives , if ur goal is pleasure and indulging in lust then just don’t 

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On 1/28/2021 at 3:50 AM, Guest Ms_Enigma said:

Dear OP,

Firstly, I respect that you are gracious enough to credit women with the diligence, assiduousness and time that they invest into refining and shaping their respective husbands into the "alpha" men that they eventually become. Kudos to you for the aforementioned.

My previous response was intended to be a little tongue-in-cheek. It's highly probable that no-one else directly answered your questions on this thread because this is not a subject that would ever cross any normal woman's mind.

With reference to the first question you posed to me, what you need to comprehend is that the onus will always be on upon the man to demonstrate/prove what a woman will gain from potentially being his second wife. I can assure you that there's not a single woman of any religion/caste/creed/heritage/background/status/location who will ever ponder in her spare time... "Hmmm, what value can I add to an already married man's life to convince him to marry me and to accept me as his second wife". The exception to this rule may be if the woman's a calculating 'gold digger' and her prey is a man of preposterous wealth.    

It is utterly disrespectful to ask a woman: "What would the second wife bring to the relationship if the man has it all and has become that due to the hard work of the first wife"? Frankly, in my humble opinion, the question itself is rather absurd. I'm certain that with the benefit of hindsight, you too will realise that your question gives the impression that you appear to think that you are a coveted prize. Please allow me to be completely frank with you - being a married man will never make you a desirable option for most women.

There is a saying: "When a man marries his mistress, he creates an immediate job vacancy". Many would suspect that this same rule also applies to the second wife too. If you already "have it all" with your first wife mashAllah, and despite this you still yearn for a second wife, how long will it be before you seek a third wife as well? Which woman in the "West" would choose to put herself in such a precarious position? 

I acknowledge that I am not actually answering the first question you asked me, but I hope that this is 'food for thought' for you. I am by no means judging you for choosing to marry again. This is without a shadow of doubt an option that Islam gives you. I am however suggesting that you need to rethink your approach and mindset towards this whole matter. 

With regards to your second question, I concur that some women can be emotionally volatile at times. But I feel that it's grossly unfair to generalise and to assume that this is the case for all women all of the time. Realistically speaking though, you need to apprehend and brace yourself for the fact that what you are proposing will naturally evoke a plethora of sentiments for your first wife.

"Emotionally intelligent" can cover a wide spectrum of situations. For example, you need to take on board that when you discuss the subject of your intended second marriage with your first wife, she will most probably, (and in my opinion quite rightly), grapple with an array of emotions ranging from heartbreak, anger, regret, anxiety, paranoia, suspicion and shame all rolled into one. How will you react to this avalanche of reactions? How will you deal with the arguments and/or volatile environment that may ensue every time you leave your first wife's house to meet your second wife, and/or, vice versa? Will you carry the emotional baggage/tension created from one wife to the other wife? I could give you a thousand different scenarios that you could hypothetically face. 

It would take a man of immense 'emotional intelligence' to be able to navigate such delicate circumstances without allowing it: 1, to take a toll on the man's own emotional well being 2, to ensure that there isn't a knock on effect of one wife's actions/reactions/emotions on the man's relationship with the other wife.

I hope this helps.

 

 

 

Thank you very much for such an insightful answer. Yes it is super helpful and is a lot of food for thought! I've been pondering about your reply for the past few days and it has made me re-think my approach to life all together! 

 

Thanks once again and May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) bless you and your family :).

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On 1/28/2021 at 3:50 AM, Guest Ms_Enigma said:

Dear OP,

Firstly, I respect that you are gracious enough to credit women with the diligence, assiduousness and time that they invest into refining and shaping their respective husbands into the "alpha" men that they eventually become. Kudos to you for the aforementioned.

My previous response was intended to be a little tongue-in-cheek. It's highly probable that no-one else directly answered your questions on this thread because this is not a subject that would ever cross any normal woman's mind.

With reference to the first question you posed to me, what you need to comprehend is that the onus will always be on upon the man to demonstrate/prove what a woman will gain from potentially being his second wife. I can assure you that there's not a single woman of any religion/caste/creed/heritage/background/status/location who will ever ponder in her spare time... "Hmmm, what value can I add to an already married man's life to convince him to marry me and to accept me as his second wife". The exception to this rule may be if the woman's a calculating 'gold digger' and her prey is a man of preposterous wealth.    

It is utterly disrespectful to ask a woman: "What would the second wife bring to the relationship if the man has it all and has become that due to the hard work of the first wife"? Frankly, in my humble opinion, the question itself is rather absurd. I'm certain that with the benefit of hindsight, you too will realise that your question gives the impression that you appear to think that you are a coveted prize. Please allow me to be completely frank with you - being a married man will never make you a desirable option for most women.

There is a saying: "When a man marries his mistress, he creates an immediate job vacancy". Many would suspect that this same rule also applies to the second wife too. If you already "have it all" with your first wife mashAllah, and despite this you still yearn for a second wife, how long will it be before you seek a third wife as well? Which woman in the "West" would choose to put herself in such a precarious position? 

I acknowledge that I am not actually answering the first question you asked me, but I hope that this is 'food for thought' for you. I am by no means judging you for choosing to marry again. This is without a shadow of doubt an option that Islam gives you. I am however suggesting that you need to rethink your approach and mindset towards this whole matter. 

With regards to your second question, I concur that some women can be emotionally volatile at times. But I feel that it's grossly unfair to generalise and to assume that this is the case for all women all of the time. Realistically speaking though, you need to apprehend and brace yourself for the fact that what you are proposing will naturally evoke a plethora of sentiments for your first wife.

"Emotionally intelligent" can cover a wide spectrum of situations. For example, you need to take on board that when you discuss the subject of your intended second marriage with your first wife, she will most probably, (and in my opinion quite rightly), grapple with an array of emotions ranging from heartbreak, anger, regret, anxiety, paranoia, suspicion and shame all rolled into one. How will you react to this avalanche of reactions? How will you deal with the arguments and/or volatile environment that may ensue every time you leave your first wife's house to meet your second wife, and/or, vice versa? Will you carry the emotional baggage/tension created from one wife to the other wife? I could give you a thousand different scenarios that you could hypothetically face. 

It would take a man of immense 'emotional intelligence' to be able to navigate such delicate circumstances without allowing it: 1, to take a toll on the man's own emotional well being 2, to ensure that there isn't a knock on effect of one wife's actions/reactions/emotions on the man's relationship with the other wife.

I hope this helps.

 

 

Salaam Sister,

 

An unrelated question, how do you write so well (mashallah!). I used to be able to write very well descriptively but since I left uni and started working, my writing style has changed to be very abrupt and to the point.

Feel free to PM if you feel comfortable to avoid de-railing this thread.

Thank you.

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