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In the Name of God بسم الله

who hates me more, myself or God?

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I know God has compassion for me, this not what I mean by God hates me, that he doesn't wish me well.  As for me, the problem is I hate myself as in I hate the traits of gained and my habits and my constant disobedience to God knowingly and being pulled by Satan not heedlessly but knowingly and with insight and certainty it's Satan's call and with certainty it brings me to hell and distance from God.

You read about the person with knowledge who doesn't apply his knowledge,  this is me, and there is no one hated more then who God has taught so much and shown so much signs and has witnessed the Guides and witness hidden authority and kingdom of the universe, but still, sticks to the earth and is petty, and inclines to his passions and runs away from God constantly.     

There are hadiths that the stench of those with knowledge is that all people of hell will complain of it.  There is evil and then there is people like me, who Michael and his Angels and Gabriel and his Angels can do everything and all Chosen households of all times can come to me, and all things can be gathered, and God himself can even talk to me if he wants, and still,  it won't save me,  God could extend every way of help,  every atom of the universe lending me light a long with earth, mountains, and I see the Imam of time guiding all that, and on top of the world watching us, and still,  it won't help me much, I enjoy sins and despite seeing God see me and knowing his sight is the true nature of reality and material world is a lie and can't have reality, I still shamelessly disobey.

And what is new, I am losing compassion for myself,  I am certain 100% if I suicide, it would land me to hell, but funny thing, is because I hate myself so much I almost don't want God to forgive me anymore, it's not that I think I can suicide pain goes away,  it's that I am so sick and tired of myself taking advantage of God's forbearance and mercy that I just want to send myself to hell.  

It's disgusting how God keeps opening new heights of knowledge of Quran and Sunnah I never imagined I would get, and this doesn't increase me in obedience, but more disobedience and instead of leaving sins, I open new gates of levels of sins I never imagined myself getting innto.

I love God and it doesn't matter to me if he lands me to hell, I won't stop loving Him/her/it, but I can't understand why I don't respect God.   From the day God has shown me himself I never stopped seeing him, whether playing a video game, listening to a professor lecture about data structures, or looking a woman naked, I never for a moment stopped seeing him.  He never let his light disappear from my gaze despite my evil ways.

I don't know why I can't respect God enough to show gratitude for his favors.   It's like I love testing God and seeing to the extent of evil I can go to, and if he will change the time of death or punish me early, but all he does is more good.

I hate the fact I taken so much advantage of  God, and get a thrill doing sins, just to see if God will stop increasing me in insights but he doesn't.  He teaches me more, and keeps me giving me insight as if I am a saint.  Why didn't he just kill me and send me to hell already, I don't understand.   If he won't do it, maybe I will, is the kind of thoughts I am going through.

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It sounds a little bit like you are trying to 'play God' 

Let Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) decide how He judges you, and whether He wishes to forgive you or not.

Your task is to submit to Him, worship Him, and to strive to make each day better than the next. 

Pray for His forgiveness and have faith in His mercy. 

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29 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

It sounds a little bit like you are trying to 'play God' 

Let Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) decide how He judges you, and whether He wishes to forgive you or not.

Your task is to submit to Him, worship Him, and to strive to make each day better than the next. 

Pray for His forgiveness and have faith in His mercy. 

It's almost as if I knew for certain God is going to bring me to paradise no matter what I would have done. I was certain he will get me to repent and turn to him, and what bothers me, is how insolent I been to him and shameless - and all he does is good back.  I am not going to sin no more, but the I have mixed feelings, I know he will forgive me and accept my repentance and give me resolve to stop disobeying and keep up prayers and help his cause, I am certain of it, I just hate how I took advantage of it all because I know this would be the end result.

God is so cool and amazing, I promise to God, and Ahlulbayt (a) and all chosen ones, and believers and Angels, that I am done this insolent shameless thing I had going.  What's funny, is I wrote these words, nothing but tears fell, and I am certain I won't sin anymore purposely at least.

It just it it's not right at all, I really deserved to die and go to hell, God's kindness is too much sometimes when I think of it.  

I don't deserve the knowledge and wisdom I been given and God is the best of judges, and knows how evil I been, and I know he has forgiven me as I wrote this in tears.

I hate my life, but I know I will bring good to humanity and been asset to them, and will live my for God. I love Ahlulbayt (a) and have become so certain of Quran and Ahlulbayt (a) - I see it at a level like never before.

God could've put a seal on my heart, instead, Ahlulbayt (a) plunged into my dark world and helped me in so many ways, 3 day dream with Mohammad (s) there guiding me for example but it was just a few hours, but time for me was liike 3 days or more.

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4 hours ago, Guest Hated said:

I know God has compassion for me, this not what I mean by God hates me, that he doesn't wish me well.  As for me, the problem is I hate myself as in I hate the traits of gained and my habits and my constant disobedience to God knowingly and being pulled by Satan not heedlessly but knowingly and with insight and certainty it's Satan's call and with certainty it brings me to hell and distance from God.

You read about the person with knowledge who doesn't apply his knowledge,  this is me, and there is no one hated more then who God has taught so much and shown so much signs and has witnessed the Guides and witness hidden authority and kingdom of the universe, but still, sticks to the earth and is petty, and inclines to his passions and runs away from God constantly.     

May I ask what typical day for you us like. (Please be as detailed as possible)

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I feel like I have been or is in a similar position as you are.

I think it might be issues within us or surrounding that we don't know how to cope with it so we look for something that pleasurable and make us forget about the pain/issues even for temporary moments.  We may not directly realise the causes because you have never ending whispers of Shaytan. Once we are on the right path, the moment something goes wrong, that moment can causes back to our old habits because we are not taught how to deal with the life problems, pressures and pain.

E.g. sometimes it can be envy, loneliness, too much pressure, not having someone to understand you, not having some independence, always constant fear of what parents think instead of fear of what God thinks because of the way we are brought it up.

Don't give up, Don't give up on the Mercy of God. Find what is troubling you, the causes that makes you go back to old habits, find ways to overcome. Never ever give up. Even if it last day of your life, Don't give up on God Mercy. Try and do as much good deeds as you can.

Its easier said then. I am struggling myself at the moment with my bad habits :'(

I might be wrong on what I said and I apologise about that

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14 hours ago, Guest Hated said:

I know God has compassion for me, this not what I mean by God hates me, that he doesn't wish me well.  As for me, the problem is I hate myself as in I hate the traits of gained and my habits and my constant disobedience to God knowingly and being pulled by Satan not heedlessly but knowingly and with insight and certainty it's Satan's call and with certainty it brings me to hell and distance from God.

You read about the person with knowledge who doesn't apply his knowledge,  this is me, and there is no one hated more then who God has taught so much and shown so much signs and has witnessed the Guides and witness hidden authority and kingdom of the universe, but still, sticks to the earth and is petty, and inclines to his passions and runs away from God constantly.     

There are hadiths that the stench of those with knowledge is that all people of hell will complain of it.  There is evil and then there is people like me, who Michael and his Angels and Gabriel and his Angels can do everything and all Chosen households of all times can come to me, and all things can be gathered, and God himself can even talk to me if he wants, and still,  it won't save me,  God could extend every way of help,  every atom of the universe lending me light a long with earth, mountains, and I see the Imam of time guiding all that, and on top of the world watching us, and still,  it won't help me much, I enjoy sins and despite seeing God see me and knowing his sight is the true nature of reality and material world is a lie and can't have reality, I still shamelessly disobey.

And what is new, I am losing compassion for myself,  I am certain 100% if I suicide, it would land me to hell, but funny thing, is because I hate myself so much I almost don't want God to forgive me anymore, it's not that I think I can suicide pain goes away,  it's that I am so sick and tired of myself taking advantage of God's forbearance and mercy that I just want to send myself to hell.  

It's disgusting how God keeps opening new heights of knowledge of Quran and Sunnah I never imagined I would get, and this doesn't increase me in obedience, but more disobedience and instead of leaving sins, I open new gates of levels of sins I never imagined myself getting innto.

I love God and it doesn't matter to me if he lands me to hell, I won't stop loving Him/her/it, but I can't understand why I don't respect God.   From the day God has shown me himself I never stopped seeing him, whether playing a video game, listening to a professor lecture about data structures, or looking a woman naked, I never for a moment stopped seeing him.  He never let his light disappear from my gaze despite my evil ways.

I don't know why I can't respect God enough to show gratitude for his favors.   It's like I love testing God and seeing to the extent of evil I can go to, and if he will change the time of death or punish me early, but all he does is more good.

I hate the fact I taken so much advantage of  God, and get a thrill doing sins, just to see if God will stop increasing me in insights but he doesn't.  He teaches me more, and keeps me giving me insight as if I am a saint.  Why didn't he just kill me and send me to hell already, I don't understand.   If he won't do it, maybe I will, is the kind of thoughts I am going through.

Salaam Brother, 

In order to get rid of these thoughts:

1. Abstain from doing sins.

2. Attend wajibaat regularly

3. Prepare a plan for living. A curriculum for your day.  Imam Baqir (عليه السلام) says: 

       Divide your day in 4 parts: 

      1. Prayers and Munajaat (talk with Allah)

      2. Daily Work and study (for your living)

      3. Talking to friends and family

      4. Halal entertainment (hobbies that keep you motivated and are permissible in Islam)

Above mentioned should be a daily plan of your life.  

When I went through this, I remember I recited duas with translation. Listen to Duas and read their translations. 

I strongly recommend Dua e Kumayl to you.

On night before Friday or you can even do it every night. 

Stay strong stay hopeful. 

May Allah bless you and remove your difficulties. 

Edited by Zainuu
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6 hours ago, Zainuu said:

 

3. Prepare a plan for living. A curriculum for your day.  Imam Baqir (عليه السلام) says: 

       Divide your day in 4 parts: 

      1. Prayers and Munajaat (talk with Allah)

      2. Daily Work and study (for your living)

      3. Talking to friends and family

      4. Halal entertainment (hobbies that keep you motivated and are permissible in Islam)

 

The perfect plan for a successful life. Mashallah

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