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In the Name of God بسم الله

My wife creating issue without any reason.

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Guest Sibtain

Aslamoalikum. Ya Ali Madad. I just need help in resolving an issue with my wife. I live in Canada and she is currently in Pakistan. I applied for her immigration to Canada and everything went fine. Everything was going great until she decided not to migrate to Canada. I tried convincing her multiple times but she kept refusing. It's been one year and she still hasn't changed her mind. I kept asking her the reason but she would always refuse to tell me. The only thing she would say was I will never come to Canada but if you want to migrate to Pakistan then that's ok. I told her there is nothing in Pakistan that I could do there. But she kept insisting that I move to Pakistan but I refused Cuse I have a very good life here in Canada. I spoke to her family members and they also don't want to meditate in this matter. Recently some one told me that she is afraid to move to Canada because her friends told her that she might get killed or severally beaten and locked up there. I was surprised to hear such nonsense then I tried to convince her that in Canada you will be well protected but she said she doesn't believe me. Now she is becoming aggressive and telling me that she will take legal action for forcing her to migrate. Now my question is how do I deal with this matter? I don't want to divorce her but her attitude is annoying and stressful. Recently she asked for khulha and I told her since I can't have her here in Canada l'm more than happy to give it to her. Now she telling me she doesn't want khullah and she doesn't want to be with me here in Canada. I lost half of my brain cells dealing with her nonsense. So what should I do? Please help me I have tried everything but failed.

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You can't force her.

If you want to convince her, I suggest you agree to spend some time in Pakistan in exchange for her agreeing to spend some time in Canada. Perhaps a visit of a month or a few months without obligation to stay would resolve her fears, but maybe if you spend time in Pakistan you will find that you would be happy to live there. 

The other alternative is divorce. 

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1 hour ago, Guest Sibtain said:

Aslamoalikum. Ya Ali Madad. I just need help in resolving an issue with my wife. I live in Canada and she is currently in Pakistan. I applied for her immigration to Canada and everything went fine. Everything was going great until she decided not to migrate to Canada. I tried convincing her multiple times but she kept refusing. It's been one year and she still hasn't changed her mind. I kept asking her the reason but she would always refuse to tell me. The only thing she would say was I will never come to Canada but if you want to migrate to Pakistan then that's ok. I told her there is nothing in Pakistan that I could do there. But she kept insisting that I move to Pakistan but I refused Cuse I have a very good life here in Canada. I spoke to her family members and they also don't want to meditate in this matter. Recently some one told me that she is afraid to move to Canada because her friends told her that she might get killed or severally beaten and locked up there. I was surprised to hear such nonsense then I tried to convince her that in Canada you will be well protected but she said she doesn't believe me. Now she is becoming aggressive and telling me that she will take legal action for forcing her to migrate. Now my question is how do I deal with this matter? I don't want to divorce her but her attitude is annoying and stressful. Recently she asked for khulha and I told her since I can't have her here in Canada l'm more than happy to give it to her. Now she telling me she doesn't want khullah and she doesn't want to be with me here in Canada. I lost half of my brain cells dealing with her nonsense. So what should I do? Please help me I have tried everything but failed.

Salaam Brother, 

Go to Pakistan and develop some understanding with her. You cannot maintain a relationship on call. When she will see you face to face and you will talk to her, be kind to her, she will migrate with you to Canada. 

So, go to Pakistan and bring her back to Canada after spending sometime. It is annoying but still. 

May Allah protect your relationship and bring harmony and hsppiness in your life. 

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Ok here is what to do:

1. Find the reasons why she does not want to come (if she does not say reasons - ask why)

2.Ask her has the family changed her mind, or pressuring her to be like this so she does not go to canada.

3.Does she like someone else? 4. What conditions or you have to do to make her come to canada or whether in Pakistan for few months will change her mind?

4. If still not giving you reasons or responses then  You're better off moving on. Find someone else. 

A lot of people wish you well and wish you both stay together but reality is Sometimes people aren't meant to each other. 

I don't recommend you to go back to live there in hope of changing her mind as she has not given you on what condition she will come to Canada so you will be wasting your time.

You are not living together and there is already issues, imagine what will happen if you live together.

Look you've done her migrations forms and trying to do the right thing but she is not behaving you like wants you.

Maybe speak with a Sheik or your parents and get their thoughts as well.

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34 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

Im sorry to say this, but this is a bad sign for your future together

EXACTLY

Divorce her.

lf you have put-up with this garbage for a year, you should already 'know' what off-the-wall-problems you will have if you do get her to Canada.

Now, she knew that you are Canadian and now she doesn't want to come. You got "took" bro. Recover your money if you can. Go to court and get a divorce for desertion.

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There are always 3 sides to a story like this: what he said, what she said, and finally, what actually happened! I don't think anyone should be planting the idea of divorce in anyone's head without knowing both sides of the story. 

I find the narrative presented by the OP to be absolutely absurd! It doesn't ring true. Surely the OP must have explained to the girl that he hoped for her to migrate to Canada before they got married? If she had no intention of migrating, why would she marry a Canadian guy in the first place? There's more to this than meets the eye!   

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17 minutes ago, Aflower said:

There are always 3 sides to a story like this: what he said, what she said, and finally, what actually happened! I don't think anyone should be planting the idea of divorce in anyone's head without knowing both sides of the story. 

I find the narrative presented by the OP to be absolutely absurd! It doesn't ring true. Surely the OP must have explained to the girl that he hoped for her to migrate to Canada before they got married? If she had no intention of migrating, why would she marry a Canadian guy in the first place? There's more to this than meets the eye!   

I was thinking that too, but we can only go on what he tells us. 

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23 hours ago, Guest Sibtain said:

I kept asking her the reason but she would always refuse to tell me.

 

23 hours ago, Guest Sibtain said:

The only thing she would say was I will never come to Canada but if you want to migrate to Pakistan then that's ok.

 

23 hours ago, Guest Sibtain said:

she is afraid to move to Canada because her friends told her that she might get killed or severally beaten and locked up there.

 

23 hours ago, Guest Sibtain said:

she doesn't believe me.

 

23 hours ago, Guest Sibtain said:

she is becoming aggressive and telling me that she will take legal action for forcing her to migrate.

 

23 hours ago, Guest Sibtain said:

she asked for khulha

 

23 hours ago, Guest Sibtain said:

she doesn't want khullah

Much of this look to be out of your control, why exert so much unnecessary energy on an already unstable relationship? You can use such energy on more beneficial avenues, such as looking for a spouse that is more reasonable and agreeable with you and your circumstances. 

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Guest My views

She seems very unstable and flighty in her decisions, not able to listen to logic or reason, unwilling to compromise or the very least, be receptive towards you trying to reassure her. It’s not unusual for long distance couples to experience some degree on anxiety about where to live, but this is something that gets resolved. It doesn’t seem to be the case here. 
 

You may have gotten played. If it’s been carrying on like this for an entire year, you need to move on. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But consider this a blessing in disguise and a dodged bullet that she isn’t in person with you. 

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Bro, have some self-respect for yourself. This woman does not respect you at all. Considering you just got married and then she refused to come and her family doesn't even want to get involved with her? that should be a clear sign for you. 

This is absolutely not what a marriage should be. She probably likes someone else or is with someone else already. End this and move. 

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10 hours ago, Aflower said:

There are always 3 sides to a story like this: what he said, what she said, and finally, what actually happened! I don't think anyone should be planting the idea of divorce in anyone's head without knowing both sides of the story. 

I find the narrative presented by the OP to be absolutely absurd! It doesn't ring true. Surely the OP must have explained to the girl that he hoped for her to migrate to Canada before they got married? If she had no intention of migrating, why would she marry a Canadian guy in the first place? There's more to this than meets the eye!   

You could basically reply to every single post with " there is always 3 sides etc" and then create your own little version. People post when they are in need, and we can only respond with the info given. 

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2 minutes ago, KulluNafsin said:

You could basically reply to every single post with " there is always 3 sides etc" and then create your own little version. People post when they are in need, and we can only respond with the info given. 

You are just stating the obvious here. The point I was making was that the OP's narrative defies all logic! The OP is depicting his wife to be unambiguous in her thought process, defiant and obstinate. Why would someone who was so self assured marry a Canadian in the first place if she didn't intend to migrate? My guess is that something else happened between them two that made the OP's wife change her mind about both migrating to Canada and regarding staying married to him. Perhaps the OP doesn't want to say what that 'something' is. 

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Maybe your wife is scare that if anything happen between both of you, she is better off to be in Pakistan than in Canada. Maybe she has had few ibad experiences in relationship with you and the trust that she will be fully respected or protected by you while in Canada is not in her heart.

We don’t hear the version of narratives from all sides.

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On 11/20/2020 at 12:37 PM, Guest Sibtain said:

Aslamoalikum. Ya Ali Madad. I just need help in resolving an issue with my wife. I live in Canada and she is currently in Pakistan. I applied for her immigration to Canada and everything went fine. Everything was going great until she decided not to migrate to Canada. I tried convincing her multiple times but she kept refusing. It's been one year and she still hasn't changed her mind. I kept asking her the reason but she would always refuse to tell me. The only thing she would say was I will never come to Canada but if you want to migrate to Pakistan then that's ok. I told her there is nothing in Pakistan that I could do there. But she kept insisting that I move to Pakistan but I refused Cuse I have a very good life here in Canada. I spoke to her family members and they also don't want to meditate in this matter. Recently some one told me that she is afraid to move to Canada because her friends told her that she might get killed or severally beaten and locked up there. I was surprised to hear such nonsense then I tried to convince her that in Canada you will be well protected but she said she doesn't believe me. Now she is becoming aggressive and telling me that she will take legal action for forcing her to migrate. Now my question is how do I deal with this matter? I don't want to divorce her but her attitude is annoying and stressful. Recently she asked for khulha and I told her since I can't have her here in Canada l'm more than happy to give it to her. Now she telling me she doesn't want khullah and she doesn't want to be with me here in Canada. I lost half of my brain cells dealing with her nonsense. So what should I do? Please help me I have tried everything but failed.

Sorry if I am being too direct and blunt.

Seems like she doesn't want to to be married to you.  But she doesn't want to tell you that directly.  It is pretty OBVIOUS.   This is not NORMAL behavior with someone who either wants to get married or is married!  I don't care even if she is Pakistan or you are Canada... Did you guys even talk about your eventual plan to move to Canada?  Seems like you all were on the same page before getting married right?  IF so, this is not normal.

now you just have to take it like a man and divorce her and look for someone else and stop wasting more of your time with someone who doesn't want to get married to you. 

Edited by eThErEaL
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12 hours ago, Aflower said:

There are always 3 sides

 

1 hour ago, KulluNafsin said:

reply to every single post with " there is always 3 sides

 

39 minutes ago, layman said:

We don’t hear the version of narratives from all sides.

What is this multiple angle/version stuff.

Follow the money and recover as much as you can.

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15 hours ago, hasanhh said:

EXACTLY

Divorce her.

Compatibility is a huge issue I think. Only thing he hasn't done is to have a meet and face-to-face talk. Phone call or messages hide a lot of feelings, expressions and emotions that need to come out.

And Divorce is actually a last option. When done with all the options and nothing is left, divorce her.

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2 hours ago, Zainuu said:

Compatibility is a huge issue I think

More than compatibility there should be a willingness to make the marriage work which I see missing here. She has given up on the marriage for whatever reason. 

OP, set a deadline. If she isn't ready to move in with you within that time frame cut your losses and move on. Even if she moved to Canada with this attitude married life wouldn't have been very pleasant.

Edited by starlight
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16 hours ago, Aflower said:

I find the narrative presented by the OP to be absolutely absurd! It doesn't ring true. Surely the OP must have explained to the girl that he hoped for her to migrate to Canada before they got married? 

What's absurd about his story? I don't see it. The OP has nothing to gain by lying to us.

The problem is the wife is refusing to communicate, she's not telling her reasons why. She's put OP in a ridiculous situation that he can't reasonably solve. What other solution is there? 

He should find the exit door, while he still can. 

Guest Sibtain- Whatever you decide to do, I strongly advise against raising a family with this woman. Don't even entertain going to Pakistan for her! This situation is not normal at all, her refusal to go to Canada, not giving her reasons and her family refusing to get involved is just weird. I don't understand why she married you, a Canadian, if she doesn't want to live in Canada. It sounds very fishy to me.

Do the talaq and be done with her. This is clearly a waste of time and you know it. Other mothers have beautiful daughters, insha'allah that He gives you something better.

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2 hours ago, hasanhh said:

Agreed, but she has not done anything to indicate she wants to be.

We don't know that. We are all third candidates over here to suggest something like a divorce straight away. How the marriage happened if she didn't indicate anything? No one is that fool. And in India and Pakistan, a divorced woman faces a lot. These societies have a problem with gender bias. We don't know her point of view. 

And phonic conversations don't conclude much. Conflicts like these should be taken seriously. 

I am surprised by how this man handled this situation. He should have went to Pakistan long before posting over here. So, he has wasted a lot of time rather than utilising it. I have seen these issues in my family and that were only resolved through face to face talks. 

As per Islam, divorce is considered bad in religion and highly denounced. It is just kept as an option when a 'do or die' situation arises. 

2 hours ago, starlight said:

More than compatibility there should be a willingness to make the marriage work which I see missing here. She has given up on the marriage for whatever reason. 

We don't know the reasons. Women listen a lot to their peers sometimes. What is her company? Why she married in the first place? We haven't heard her. A great great part is missing for us to provide a strong advice such as divorce. 

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5 minutes ago, Zainuu said:

We don't know the reasons. Women listen a lot to their peers sometimes. What is her company? Why she married in the first place?

Apparently neither does OP, he doesn't know the company she keeps either. As far as we know, it's a long distance relationship that has been going on for a year and her parents aren't involved.

Maybe OP can explain why they got married, but what's clear is a lack of communication. The wife is not communicating, indecisive and easily influenced by her peers. This seems like a good reason to simply walk away.

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1 hour ago, Zainuu said:

We don't know that.

Her lack of communication indicates that. All marriages have problems. The solution is never to cut off communication. If a marriage has reached that point it indicates one party or both isn't even ready to invest in a conversation.

1 hour ago, Zainuu said:

He should have went to Pakistan long before posting over here. S

Why???

Most women are eager to move in with their husbands. If something happened that made his wife reluctant she should state that so the couple can work towards resolution. If it's something so big and traumatic from her point of view that it has deterred her from going to husband's home altogether then again she should say that so things can move forward in some direction.

Keeping someone in limbo is the worst you can do to a person, especially in an intimate relationship where there is a lot of emotional involvement. It indicates lack of empathy, inconsiderate and immature behaviour on her part. 

Edited by starlight
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1 hour ago, Zainuu said:

We are all third candidates over here to suggest something like a divorce straight away.

Yeah, 'true'.

BUT . . . there were 'advice columns' in the US women would/will read -such as Ann Landers and Dear Abby- and occasionally 'divorce' was in the first sentence. One l remember from the 60s because l heard my parents talk about it and then read it myself, was this woman who wrote-in saying when she found out her husband was a gay and when she confronted him about it, he said he married her 'to cover up'. The only response from Ann Landers was "Divorce him."

Note: this apparently was 'common' as discovered in the early 1980s when many women started being diagnosed with AlDS and their husbands had gotten it and brought it home.

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1 hour ago, starlight said:

Her lack of communication indicates that. All marriages have problems. The solution is never to cut off communication. If a marriage has reached that point it indicates one party or both isn't even ready to invest in a conversation.

Their are many questions unanswered in this case. What is her point? Have you heard her. The guy who has put up the issue has done only phonic conversations. What if their is a misunderstanding?

We as third person don't know the whole story and suggesting a divorce for that is wrong. 

He had all communications on call. I literally have seen from my very naked eyes that their are a lot of internal politics going on in India-Pakistan and a lot of unnecessary intrusion in the matters of other people. 

Gheebah, false accusations, false assumptions etc. 

Atleast do a last thing to break the stereotypes and assumptions. Talk face to face and I believe it will be resolved. She might be in a wrong crowd and once it changes, everything is good. 

If even then she doesn't cooperates. Divorce her. 

Edited by Zainuu
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19 minutes ago, hasanhh said:

Yeah, 'true'.

BUT . . . there were 'advice columns' in the US women would/will read -such as Ann Landers and Dear Abby- and occasionally 'divorce' was in the first sentence. One l remember from the 60s because l heard my parents talk about it and then read it myself, was this woman who wrote-in saying when she found out her husband was a gay and when she confronted him about it, he said he married her 'to cover up'. The only response from Ann Landers was "Divorce him."

Note: this apparently was 'common' as discovered in the early 1980s when many women started being diagnosed with AlDS and their husbands had gotten it and brought it home.

This is a matter of Pakistan. 

I already said 'Compatibility'. Here, the problems are more sociocultural. Their are people around who try to create doubts, do gheebah, lie just to destroy someone's relationship. Unnecessary intrusions of people in someone's personal matters is a common problem over here. 

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2 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Apparently neither does OP, he doesn't know the company she keeps either. As far as we know, it's a long distance relationship that has been going on for a year and her parents aren't involved.

Maybe OP can explain why they got married, but what's clear is a lack of communication. The wife is not communicating, indecisive and easily influenced by her peers. This seems like a good reason to simply walk away.

Salaam brother, 

I completely agree. But the questions here which are unanswered are important enough to say that things are more complicated then what appears to me. 

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1 hour ago, Zainuu said:

We are all third candidates over here to suggest something like a divorce straight away.

Yeah, 'true'.

BUT . . . there were 'advice columns' in the US women would/will read -such as Ann Landers and Dear Abby- and occasionally 'divorce' was in the first sentence. One l remember from the 60s because l heard my parents talk about it and then read it myself, was this woman who wrote-in saying when she found out her husband was a gay and when she confronted him about it, he said he married her 'to cover up'. The only response from Ann Landers was "Divorce him."

Note: this apparently was 'common' as discovered in the early 1980s when many women started being diagnosed with AlDS and their husbands had gotten it and brought it home.

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@hasanhh

On 11/20/2020 at 11:07 PM, Guest Sibtain said:

she is currently in Pakistan.

@hasanhh

What you mentioned, are not the prevalent issues here (in Indian subcontinent). Even if this is the case.

Just assuming it to be such and divorcing won't be right. 

Edited by Zainuu
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@Zainuu I wish you would stop saying Pakistan,Pakistan subcontinent, subcontinent in every post. I live in Pakistan, I know what I am talking about. 

Edited by starlight
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2 minutes ago, starlight said:

@Zainuu I wish you would stop saying Pakistan Pakistan subcontinent .I live in Pakistan, I know what I am talking about. 

I didn't refer to you with that. :rolleyes:

You are entitled to your own opinion. And me to mine.

I didn't say that you don't know. 

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13 minutes ago, Zainuu said:

I didn't refer to you with that. :rolleyes:

You are entitled to your own opinion. And me to mine.

I didn't say that you don't know. 

 

1 hour ago, Zainuu said:

literally have seen from my very naked eyes that their are a lot of internal politics going on in India-Pakistan and a lot of unnecessary intrusion in the matters of other people

^^^^

Your opinion? You are basically telling everyone that it's a Pakistani issue...

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1 hour ago, Zainuu said:

But the questions here which are unanswered are important enough to say that things are more complicated then what appears to me. 

Wasalam alaikum,

^Based on what exactly? Sometimes we cannot get the other side of the story. Other times, it's simply unnecessary. Yes, we would all like to be fair and give people benefit of the doubt.

However, I don't see the point in doubting the OP, the woman's strange behavior is inexcusable; She's wasting his time. The OP turned to us for advice and then we doubt him. For what reason?

There's nothing complicated about the solution to this situation. He should move on with self-respect and dignity.

Quote

Atleast do a last thing to break the stereotypes and assumptions. Talk face to face and I believe it will be resolved. She might be in a wrong crowd and once it changes, everything is good. 

If even then she doesn't cooperates. Divorce her. 

It's kind of hard to talk face to face when neither party wants to go either Pakistan or Canada. Plus, if she's in a bad crowd, OP might endanger himself by speaking to her. Since, there's no indication of him having seen her personally and it being strictly online, he should move on. @Zainuu

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar
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13 minutes ago, starlight said:

Your opinion? You are basically telling everyone that it's a Pakistani issue...

So, will you deny what I said?

I am saying it happens in the sub-continent. 

Did say anywhere that you don't know about it or leave it to me? 

And yes, it is an opinion. I am advicing him to try out an option. You are advicing to divorce. Both have their own reasons. 

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