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In the Name of God بسم الله

Struggling to interact and meet females

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I’m 21 and I’m looking for marriage. My perceptions on girls have been skewed a lot because I was raised by a masculine code. It sounds awfully cringe but I have a very traditional view of females put it that way. I never had a girlfriend or even talked to a girl one on one for a long period of time. My family can’t find any suitable partner for me so now I’m out on my own. My attitude towards females won’t change, and I believe this is my nature. But I absolutely suck at talking to girls, I feel so awkward and uncomfortable asking about how did your day go etc. I want to have a partner so I don’t fall into any haram in life but I feel like getting one is unrealistic for me. It’s not who I am but I have no other choice. 

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33 minutes ago, Labbayka said:

I’m 21 and I’m looking for marriage. My perceptions on girls have been skewed a lot because I was raised by a masculine code. It sounds awfully cringe but I have a very traditional view of females put it that way. I never had a girlfriend or even talked to a girl one on one for a long period of time. My family can’t find any suitable partner for me so now I’m out on my own. My attitude towards females won’t change, and I believe this is my nature. But I absolutely suck at talking to girls, I feel so awkward and uncomfortable asking about how did your day go etc. I want to have a partner so I don’t fall into any haram in life but I feel like getting one is unrealistic for me. It’s not who I am but I have no other choice. 

The beauty of getting to know someone for marriage is that you don’t have to subscribe to masculine/feminine gender roles, you can be yourself. When you are yourself and comfortable with your own self—your personality being the main factor—then you can find someone to share your life with.

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Ma Shaa Allah brother

This isn't something to be ashamed of 

You have kept yourself away from corrupting your heart with the surrounding of women. 

Now it is the time to look for your future spouse. As long as your intentions are clean, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will make it easy for you and if your future partner knows what type of a person you are then she will accept it and appreciate it. 

Just think about it, would a wife like his man to have spoken to any girl out there or just to girls that was necessary to speak to (i.e work etc) 

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18 hours ago, Labbayka said:

I’m 21 and I’m looking for marriage. My perceptions on girls have been skewed a lot because I was raised by a masculine code. It sounds awfully cringe but I have a very traditional view of females put it that way. I never had a girlfriend or even talked to a girl one on one for a long period of time. My family can’t find any suitable partner for me so now I’m out on my own. My attitude towards females won’t change, and I believe this is my nature. But I absolutely suck at talking to girls, I feel so awkward and uncomfortable asking about how did your day go etc. I want to have a partner so I don’t fall into any haram in life but I feel like getting one is unrealistic for me. It’s not who I am but I have no other choice. 

Coming from a females perspective the fact that you have stayed away from non-mahram female interaction would be seen as a very good thing in the eyes of *pious* women. You finding it uncomfortable to start a personal conversation with a non-mahram woman is quite normal considering you barely have any experience with  establishing a personal conversation with a non-mahram woman. 

I wouldn’t say it’s unrealistic, I think there might be a confidence “issue” here due to maybe shyness/lack of experience and as much as it sounds easier said than done, if you’re interested in a woman then observe her character/personality and try to figure out what she prefers in an approach from a man and take it from there step by step. Some women prefer the traditional way of approaching through her father or maybe brother, and others may prefer a personal conversation before involving a second party. 

Although 21 is young, it’s a good age to start to build the confidence to approach respectable women. 

I pray that you find the right person.

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Salam,

You need to be proud of what you bring to the table, and be confident in who you are. You are doubting yourself before you have even stepped up to the plate, and this is a discredit to yourself.

The beautiful thing about marriage is that Allah has created everyone differently, and with different values, personalities, looks and so forth. You are bound to find someone you click with. Just give it some time. 

At the end of the day just be you, as faking who you are will open up issues in the future when you actually have to spend your whole life with this person. 

So, just take it easy, and enjoy the ride. 

WS

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22 hours ago, Labbayka said:

I’m 21 and I’m looking for marriage. My perceptions on girls have been skewed a lot because I was raised by a masculine code. It sounds awfully cringe but I have a very traditional view of females put it that way. I never had a girlfriend or even talked to a girl one on one for a long period of time. My family can’t find any suitable partner for me so now I’m out on my own. My attitude towards females won’t change, and I believe this is my nature. But I absolutely suck at talking to girls, I feel so awkward and uncomfortable asking about how did your day go etc. I want to have a partner so I don’t fall into any haram in life but I feel like getting one is unrealistic for me. It’s not who I am but I have no other choice. 

Salam brother, Ask your parents for help, they will most likely find someone good for u.

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On 11/3/2020 at 9:37 PM, Labbayka said:

I’m 21 and I’m looking for marriage. My perceptions on girls have been skewed a lot because I was raised by a masculine code. It sounds awfully cringe but I have a very traditional view of females put it that way. I never had a girlfriend or even talked to a girl one on one for a long period of time. My family can’t find any suitable partner for me so now I’m out on my own. My attitude towards females won’t change, and I believe this is my nature. But I absolutely suck at talking to girls, I feel so awkward and uncomfortable asking about how did your day go etc. I want to have a partner so I don’t fall into any haram in life but I feel like getting one is unrealistic for me. It’s not who I am but I have no other choice. 

don't worry brother, lots of people have the same problem:sorry:

we girls can also not find a good suitable husband these days:cryhappy: 

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4 hours ago, The Green Knight said:

So how much money / property you got??

we believing girls dont run after money, we run after inteligention, loyality, and he should be  handsome ( as well physically as from inside) equal rights is really important too!!!!!

at least thats how I am, i dont know which girls would run after moneyetc... (maybe golddiggers= not true love)

Edited by F.M
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may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) give us all good spouses as soon as possible :cryhappy:

 

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If you're from a consv. Family probably better for you to leave it up to your parents to find a partner. Girls looking for males themselves anywhere are most likely fromore open and free families and there's a high chance your personalities wont match

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On 11/4/2020 at 2:07 AM, Labbayka said:

I’m 21 and I’m looking for marriage. My perceptions on girls have been skewed a lot because I was raised by a masculine code. It sounds awfully cringe but I have a very traditional view of females put it that way. I never had a girlfriend or even talked to a girl one on one for a long period of time. My family can’t find any suitable partner for me so now I’m out on my own. My attitude towards females won’t change, and I believe this is my nature. But I absolutely suck at talking to girls, I feel so awkward and uncomfortable asking about how did your day go etc. I want to have a partner so I don’t fall into any haram in life but I feel like getting one is unrealistic for me. It’s not who I am but I have no other choice. 

Salaam brother, 

Do you have a real sister? She can help you out. If not, then interact with your cousin whom you know, it will help you to open up. Yes, do mind the Islamic guidelines while talking to a non-mehram. Secondly, if you have a woman as your colleague at work place, do interact with her regarding work. Again, please take care of the Islamic code. 

Once you open up, a marital relationship would be convenient for you to handle.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Lad guest

Salam

try to get involved in the community more, get some help from pious friends (not haram friends, they’ll give you wrong ideas) relatives, your cousin maybe

regarding confidence, try to make yourself more presentable, as in take care of yourself, hair, clothing, invest in a perfume (very important in my opinion!), dont go out buying thousands of dollars of stuff you gonna wear one time, but invest a little money and make yourself look neat, its a confidence booster

most importantly, ask the Almighty for help

wsalam

 

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On 11/3/2020 at 3:37 PM, Labbayka said:

I’m 21 and I’m looking for marriage. My perceptions on girls have been skewed a lot because I was raised by a masculine code. It sounds awfully cringe but I have a very traditional view of females put it that way. I never had a girlfriend or even talked to a girl one on one for a long period of time. My family can’t find any suitable partner for me so now I’m out on my own. My attitude towards females won’t change, and I believe this is my nature. But I absolutely suck at talking to girls, I feel so awkward and uncomfortable asking about how did your day go etc. I want to have a partner so I don’t fall into any haram in life but I feel like getting one is unrealistic for me. It’s not who I am but I have no other choice. 

I think you need to deliberately put yourself in situations where you have to interact with females, in a halal way of course. You are correct in the fact that it will be very difficult for you to meet someone to marry if everytime you interact with a female you get uncomfortable. The reason is because females are naturally social, i.e. they don't have to 'try' to interact with females or other males, it comes naturally to them (most of them), it is something they enjoy so they naturally seek it out. At the same time, because they are social, they are highly effected by what is going on around them. So if they think that you are uncomfortable, then they will start to get uncomfortable, and it circles down in a spiral until one of you ends the interaction. 

So find situations where females tend be in, maybe Islamic activities, work activities, volunteer work, shopping, etc. Go up to a random women and start talking to her, not to 'pick her up', lol, but just think of something to say. If you live in the US / Europe / Australia / etc this will be easy to try, not so much in other places in the world but consider where you are, of course and do this according to the social norms of where you live. Talking to women is a skill like anything else, the more you practice, and the more exposure you have, the more comfortable you will be and the less nervous and then the less you will make others around you nervous. Women are not some sort of alien race that dropped down from another planet. They are very similar to you and me(men) with just a few differences. So now the hard part (it's not that hard, btw), just go out and do it, and keep the Islamic limits in mind for mahram / non mahram interactions, of course. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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Great advice by @Abu Hadi you will only learn by putting yourself out there and interacting. It doesn't have to be in a harram way, learn to surround yourself with women in safe environments such as Islamic events, seminars, youth programs, volunteer events. Also, try to get to know a senior respectable sister in the community who is in the management. Perhaps you could ask such a sister if she has anyone in mind? 

But realise that you will have to step out of your comfort zone. Staying at home will not help.

I should add that you need to learn to interact with women without an agenda (like wanting something out of the interaction)at first obviously in a halal way. It may sound wrong, but I'm talking about this skill. Like once you truly be yourself and vibe with a girl, they will more likely consider you and feel safe around you. 

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans
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