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In the Name of God بسم الله

Am I going to hell because of my family?

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Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice

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Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice

Hello.

First of all, English is not my main language of communication, so if there is something you didn't understand about my post, please do mention it and I will try to simplify it. 

 

I need advice in the matter of my family. I am a very temperamental person and loose my cool very easily if someone offends me. I am the older one of my siblings but they don't respect me and they bicker with me all the time. I try to ignore it and be the bigger person, but when it comes to them insulting me I won't sit and listen to it. Instead of turning the other cheek I respond with two fists ready to fight. I know it's wrong and recently I have tried to remain calm during these situations; sometimes successful, most of the times not.

It disappoints me deeply that my parents almost never react in any way to the insults and disrespect by siblings towards me, on the contrary, they side with the siblings and turn the whole situation to make me the bad guy. I yell at my parents at these events and on rare occations curse them.

I have repented and fallen back into my old habits multiple times. I know God is fair, but I can't help but think that I'm in a very unfair situation: siblings don't respect me and use disgusting words about me, parents don't do anything about it and when lose my temper I'm the one who will be punished by God, all my prayers and fasts are in vain because I shout at them (parents).

What should I do from a religious perspective? Am I the wrong one? I have thought about cutting ties with the whole family once I get financially independent and move out, but cutting ties is (apparently) also haram. I feel that I'm in a loop where I will do haram regardless of my decisions.

 

Thanks for reading.

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You must learn to control your anger and never lose your cool first and foremost. I think you are capable of doing that. You made a post about it so it means you are into fixing your problems. Anger always results in regret, our Imams have told us, and it never solves anything. Rather anger is a state of mind in which all rational thought goes absent. Martial artists and members of special forces particularly exploit this fact to overcome their adversaries after making them angry which guarantees that their mind faculties will switch off and win most of the rest of the fight for them. Through history, you will never find any use of anger anywhere, rather the exact opposite. Take this one step, take control of yourself and then the rest of your problems will also be under control as your solve them with the presence of mind.

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1 hour ago, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

I need advice . . .  I am a very temperamental person and loose my cool very easily if someone offends me. I am the older one of my siblings but they don't respect me and they bicker with me all the time.

This sounds like an overactive ego.

1 hour ago, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

I try to ignore it and be the bigger person, but when it comes to them insulting me I won't sit and listen to it. Instead of turning the other cheek I respond with two fists ready to fight. I know it's wrong and recently I have tried to remain calm during these situations; sometimes successful, most of the times not.

This is 'family' so exculpating this small stuff is what you need to do.

There are also books on verbal self-defense.

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54 minutes ago, hasanhh said:

This sounds like an overactive ego.

This is 'family' so exculpating this small stuff is what you need to do.

There are also books on verbal self-defense.

I don't think you understand what ''this small stuff'' I'm talking about is. I can swear on anything you believe that if you heard someone talk to your sister/mother/wife/daughter like that, you wouldn't sit around and pretend nothing happened. This small stuff is extremely derogatory terms you hear from people with no manners. That's all I'm going to hint about ''that small stuff'' as I don't think my reply will pass if elaborated further more what it is.

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2 hours ago, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

Hello.

First of all, English is not my main language of communication, so if there is something you didn't understand about my post, please do mention it and I will try to simplify it. 

 

I need advice in the matter of my family. I am a very temperamental person and loose my cool very easily if someone offends me. I am the older one of my siblings but they don't respect me and they bicker with me all the time. I try to ignore it and be the bigger person, but when it comes to them insulting me I won't sit and listen to it. Instead of turning the other cheek I respond with two fists ready to fight. I know it's wrong and recently I have tried to remain calm during these situations; sometimes successful, most of the times not.

It disappoints me deeply that my parents almost never react in any way to the insults and disrespect by siblings towards me, on the contrary, they side with the siblings and turn the whole situation to make me the bad guy. I yell at my parents at these events and on rare occations curse them.

I have repented and fallen back into my old habits multiple times. I know God is fair, but I can't help but think that I'm in a very unfair situation: siblings don't respect me and use disgusting words about me, parents don't do anything about it and when lose my temper I'm the one who will be punished by God, all my prayers and fasts are in vain because I shout at them (parents).

What should I do from a religious perspective? Am I the wrong one? I have thought about cutting ties with the whole family once I get financially independent and move out, but cutting ties is (apparently) also haram. I feel that I'm in a loop where I will do haram regardless of my decisions.

 

Thanks for reading.

Salam brother try to keep yourself patient. Becoming angry will make things worse. Try to be kind and respectful to your siblings and perhaps they will be kind and respectful back to you. Remember, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is with who is patient.

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4 hours ago, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

I don't think you understand what ''this small stuff'' I'm talking about is. I can swear on anything you believe that if you heard someone talk to your sister/mother/wife/daughter like that, you wouldn't sit around and pretend nothing happened. This small stuff is extremely derogatory terms you hear from people with no manners. That's all I'm going to hint about ''that small stuff'' as I don't think my reply will pass if elaborated further more what it is.

Other nitpicking, snide remarks, . . . what are you disgusted about.

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5 hours ago, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

. I can swear on anything you believe that if you heard someone talk to your sister/mother/wife/daughter like that, you wouldn't sit around and pretend nothing happened.

I sympathize with you and have been in a similar situation, remember you have the ability to remove yourself from garbage and slanderous noise. 

8 hours ago, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

I know God is fair, but I can't help but think that I'm in a very unfair situation: siblings don't respect me and use disgusting words about me, parents don't do anything about it and when lose my temper I'm the one who will be punished by God, all my prayers and fasts are in vain because I shout at them (parents).

Do you honestly believe that? Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) also sees what your parents and siblings are doing and saying behind your back. He even understands why you got angry and yelled at them.

Granted, it's still haram for us to be disrespectful but I don't think your prayers and fasts are invalid, like you said, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is just, He wouldn't punish you for reacting to your siblings' insults and mind games.

8 hours ago, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

Am I the wrong one? I have thought about cutting ties with the whole family once I get financially independent and move out,

Do what I did, instead of cutting ties, keep limited contact with your family. In my case, I didn't talk to my father unless he called me or I was feeling emotionally well to speak to him. Our relationship is much better nowadays because I kept limited contact and went at my own pace.

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10 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I sympathize with you and have been in a similar situation, remember you have the ability to remove yourself from garbage and slanderous noise. 

Do you honestly believe that? Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) also sees what your parents and siblings are doing and saying behind your back. He even understands why you got angry and yelled at them.

Granted, it's still haram for us to be disrespectful but I don't think your prayers and fasts are invalid, like you said, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is just, He wouldn't punish you for reacting to your siblings' insults and mind games.

Do what I did, instead of cutting ties, keep limited contact with your family. In my case, I didn't talk to my father unless he called me or I was feeling emotionally well to speak to him. Our relationship is much better nowadays because I kept limited contact and went at my own pace.

''Do you honestly believe that? Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) also sees what your parents and siblings are doing and saying behind your back. He even understands why you got angry and yelled at them.''

Not going to lie, these situations that I'm in are making me doubtful about God's just. I can't help but think why did He give me these kind of parents and sibling even thought I fast, pray etc. and for example my cousins/friends completely different family even thought they also pray, fast etc. Two same (religion-wise) people, but two different families, you know?

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12 hours ago, hasanhh said:

Other nitpicking, snide remarks, . . . what are you disgusted about.

I mean calling me a loose woman, stealing my money and keys (while sleeping, I don't sleep without my door locked but that didn't help), intentionally disturbing me while studying to important tests, intentionally making noise while I'm sleeping.

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5 minutes ago, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

I mean calling me a loose woman, stealing my money and keys (while sleeping, I don't sleep without my door locked but that didn't help), intentionally disturbing me while studying to important tests, intentionally making noise while I'm sleeping.

lf you can just move.

l had the same kind of problem.

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5 minutes ago, hasanhh said:

lf you can just move.

l had the same kind of problem.

That's the problem; I can't move out at this stage in my life.

Recently I went through an experience which happened out of the blue and made me think about life and death more. I realised how everything could end at any given moment and that I wanted to be a better muslim not just by praying and fasting but thorough my actions during difficult times and bettering my character.

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1 hour ago, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

I can't help but think why did He give me these kind of parents and sibling even thought I fast, pray etc. and for example my cousins/friends completely different family even thought they also pray, fast etc. Two same (religion-wise) people, but two different families, you know?

I understand how you're feeling and how unfair it may seem, I'm acquainted with those feelings all too well. Everyone has their own personal jihad to endure.

I also second moving, if it's possible. Get a job and work towards an apartment. You may be able to move in with another friend of yours, that's always a possibility.

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On 10/30/2020 at 10:19 AM, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

That's the problem; I can't move out at this stage in my life.

Recently I went through an experience which happened out of the blue and made me think about life and death more. I realised how everything could end at any given moment and that I wanted to be a better muslim not just by praying and fasting but thorough my actions during difficult times and bettering my character.

This post was a while ago, maybe you are gone now.  But I think it is good that you think about life and death and want to better your character, so I am wondering after time has passed how things are going?  Have you been able to do this?

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On 10/29/2020 at 7:47 PM, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I didn't talk to my father unless he called me or I was feeling emotionally well to speak to him.

I don't talk to my father at all. He's got his new family now and only calls me if he wants to try and make me feel bad about "disappointing" him. This usually happens after he's been drinking or using drugs and at 2:30-3am when I am asleep.

The reason I stopped talking to him initially was because he was pressuring me to get him LSD and magic mushrooms, possession of both are a felony charge and it didn't seem to bother him that he was telling me to break the law and get him drugs. Then in order to get an annulment from my mother through the catholic church so he could get remarried in a Catholic ceremony, he lied to the church tribunal, telling them that I'm "retarded" and that my mother was "cruel" to him (she wasn't). The fact that he was willing to lie to a church tribunal to get his way disgusted me both at him and the fact that the catholic church just granted him the annulment no questions asked after he lied disgusted me with them, and I embraced Islam soon after.

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Salam

Quote

His Supplication for his Parents (upon the two of them be peace) (Supplication - 24)

 

O He who changes evil deeds into manifold good deeds!
يَا مُبَدِّلَ السَّيِّئاتِ بِأَضْعَافِهَا مِنَ الْحَسَنَاتِ.
37
38
O God, whatever word through which they have transgressed against me,
أللَّهُمَّ وَمَا تَعَدَّيَا عَلَيَّ فِيهِ مِنْ قَوْل،
38
39
act through which they have been immoderate with me,
أَوْ أَسْرَفَا عَلَىَّ فِيْهِ مِنْ فِعْل،
39
40
right of mine which they have left neglected, or obligation toward me in which they have fallen short,
أَوْ ضَيَّعَاهُ لِي مِنْ حَقٍّ أَوْ قَصَّرا بِي عَنْهُ مِنْ وَاجِب
40
41
I grant it to them and bestow it upon them,
فَقَدْ وَهَبْتُهُ وَجُدْتُ بِهِ عَلَيْهِمَا،
41
42
and I beseech Thee to remove from them its ill consequence,
وَرَغِبْتُ إلَيْكَ فِي وَضْعِ تَبِعَتِهِ عَنْهُمَا
42
43
for I do not accuse them concerning myself,
فَإنِّي لا أَتَّهِمُهُمَا عَلَى نَفْسِي،
43
44
find them slow in their devotion toward me,
وَلاَ أَسْتَبْطِئُهُمَا فِي بِرِّي،
44
45
or dislike the way they have attended to my affairs, my Lord!
وَلا أكْرَهُ مَا تَوَلَّياهُ مِنْ أَمْرِي يَا رَبِّ
45
46
They have rights against me which are more incumbent,
فَهُمَا أَوْجَبُ حَقّاً عَلَيَّ،
46
47
precedence in beneficence toward me that is greater
وَأَقْدَمُ إحْسَانـاً إلَيَّ
47
48
and kindness toward me that is mightier than that I should settle accounts with justice
وَأَعْظَمُ مِنَّةً لَـدَيَّ مِنْ أَنْ أقَاصَّهُمَا بِعَدْل،

https://www.duas.org/sajjadiya/s24.htm

 

https://www.duas.org/sajjadiya/s24.htm

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On 10/29/2020 at 12:01 PM, Guest SomeoneWhoNeedsAdvice said:

Hello.

First of all, English is not my main language of communication, so if there is something you didn't understand about my post, please do mention it and I will try to simplify it. 

 

I need advice in the matter of my family. I am a very temperamental person and loose my cool very easily if someone offends me. I am the older one of my siblings but they don't respect me and they bicker with me all the time. I try to ignore it and be the bigger person, but when it comes to them insulting me I won't sit and listen to it. Instead of turning the other cheek I respond with two fists ready to fight. I know it's wrong and recently I have tried to remain calm during these situations; sometimes successful, most of the times not.

It disappoints me deeply that my parents almost never react in any way to the insults and disrespect by siblings towards me, on the contrary, they side with the siblings and turn the whole situation to make me the bad guy. I yell at my parents at these events and on rare occations curse them.

I have repented and fallen back into my old habits multiple times. I know God is fair, but I can't help but think that I'm in a very unfair situation: siblings don't respect me and use disgusting words about me, parents don't do anything about it and when lose my temper I'm the one who will be punished by God, all my prayers and fasts are in vain because I shout at them (parents).

What should I do from a religious perspective? Am I the wrong one? I have thought about cutting ties with the whole family once I get financially independent and move out, but cutting ties is (apparently) also haram. I feel that I'm in a loop where I will do haram regardless of my decisions.

I would advice you to sit down with your parents and be completely transparent with them in how this issue is serious and causing you emotional pain. Tell them that you will not tolerate any verbal attacks in the future from your siblings and as parents should be fair in their judgments. Remind them that Allah is just and that they will be held accountable for their actions.

As for cutting ties completely with them, aside from being a major sin, it will only lead to further anxiety and depression in the long run. I knew someone who was also the oldest sibling in their family and went through a closely similar experience to yours. He has not spoken to his parents and siblings since 2011. He completely cut ties with them and his mother has not seen his children to this day, despite his family begging him to come back. After all these years, his decision to cut them off from his life only lead him to face more problems in life. He’s not very successful financially and is constantly dealing with depression. His mother is partially blind now and deals with multiple health conditions after yearning for him and his children. Not only has he harmed himself but also caused great harm and irreversible pain for his parents and will be held accountable for that in the future. Some people tend underestimate emotional pain but can be just as harmful as physical pain in the long run as it leads to various health complications and possibly death. I knew others (two siblings) whose mother verbally told them that she was not pleased with them until she passed away. Years later, they faced many problems including major financial losses and family issues. Perhaps this is a way for them to taste Allah’s justice in the dunya for causing pain to their mother. 

Now I don’t think that you would want to be in a similar situation. In a worst case scenario if no resolution is found, you can move out after being financially independent and limit contact with them, but also not completely where you would absolutely refuse to talk to them. In my past experiences, I’ve limited contact with many people but learned that parents are an exception. Regardless of much problems you face with them, I don’t think they will be greater than the outcome of completely cutting them off. 
 


 


 

 

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