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In the Name of God بسم الله

Torn, shredded and destroyed between parents and wife

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Guest anothamarriedbrutha

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Guest anothamarriedbrutha

:salam:

Hope you are all in the best of emaan and health inshallah.

I have been  living in a joint family with my parents and my wife for 4+ years. My parents are from a very traditional background and my wife is an extremely sensitive individual. Everything my parents do, she thinks they are indirecting her, telling her off or are speaking against her. 

We've gone through a lot of such issues over the years and during the pandemic, the situation exploded exponentially (in a very bad way). Now, anything my parents do are say, she thinks they are telling her off. Any small disagreement that happens between us, she bring up EVERYTHING from the past 4 years without taking a single breath (as in she wouldn't let me speak or stop talking). 

Financially, I am unable to get another flat to move into. She is pregnant and her extreme mood swings have  10x'd. My mental health is being destroyed and due to the continuous, ongoing stress of the regular fights, nagging and disagreements, I have developed physical chronic health conditions that just don't go away.

I buy her literally everything she wants (even stuff she doesn't need) and yet these whenever there is a disagreement, EVERYTHING from the past 4 years is brought up. I am sincerely fed up with the nagging and most recently, it started giving me panic attacks. I get the same from my parents as well against her.

What can I do?

I can't move out - can't afford it

Can't divorce her - She's pregnant

I find it very difficult to tell my parents to not tell me negative things about her as they are traumatised due to losing a few family members due to COVID.

Thank you.

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Was she like that before she become a pregnant and Did you know she was extreme sensitive before getting pregnant ? If so, then that would've been the best time to divorce her.

You buy her everything she wants, that's one way of leading you to financial ruins. Does her family live in the same country as you?

1. I suggest to have her moved in with her parents for a while. Do you know a sibling of her that you can talk to and have them maybe talk to her.

When both of you are together and a lone, is she still very sensitive? if so, do you wonder if she is got some sort of mental health conditions? 

2. Maybe have her see a psychologist or counsellor. 

She is pregnant so basically you have to be so careful what you to say because of her sensitivity may cause harm to the child or decide to self harm.

Do you think she loves you? What you gonna with the child, e.g. if she start accusing your parents of turning her kid against her?

if you parents tell you negative things, maybe because they want let our their frustration or how they feel. I think its impacting them as well. Don't take it personally.

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Salam,

At the very least, wait until this pandemic is over, you said that it is what has made things really bad, coupled with the hormones from the pregnancy, it is probably pushing her over the edge. She needs to not get too agitated because it is harmful for the baby.

Maybe try and have a little word with your parents on the side as well.

Obviously keep praying for a good outcome.

Good luck insha'Allah

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Guest Wait

I think you need to realize that your wife is deeply hurt by your parents—honestly, you as a man, as a man who likely has made excuses for your parents’ behavior, can’t see exactly the amount of hurtful comments they have made at your wife because you don’t want to believe it. 
 

Your parents’ job is to support your marriage and not agitate and annoy your wife. Let me ask you this: you say your wife is complaining and nagging about your parents. Have you ever stood-up for your wife? My guess is no. 
 

If you made a stand for your wife, her nagging would reduce. But because you are not on her side, she feels even more hurt by your inability to see your parents’ bad behavior. The fact you want to divorce your wife shows that you have not become a man, and won’t separate yourself from your parents. This is what bad parents want. They want their son all for themselves because they want to control and manipulate you.
 

Be a man and a good husband by laying boundaries. Tell them to back off. They are annoying your wife because you let it get that bad. Always remember that your wife is the number one priority when you get married, not your parents. Divorce won’t solve anything because if you get married again, the same cycle will repeat because it’s they that are causing problems. And you for allowing it. 
 

Your Wife always comes first. Your parents need to respect your wife and you by leaving you guys alone. They are the type to cause problems in order to get you divorced or stay unhappily married. Don’t let them win. Be a man, stand-up for yourself and your wife and your unborn child. Their antics will reduce completely.

Don’t let your parents control you. Get your own place. That is your right as a married couple. Save up money and move out. 

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Guest Wait

Also, your parents are talking badly about your wife—MASSIVE red flag. It is Haram to cause fights between a husband and wife. It’s not Islamic at all. You need to stand up to them. She’s your wife.   

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Guest Guest_Mikael

:bismillah:

:salam:

It is difficult to give but general advice, knowing that you are much more familiar with the situation than the rest of us.

Has your wife been like this from the start of your marriage? 
Does she have a similar behaviour with other people too (i.e., not only with your parents)?

 

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Guest anothamarriedbrutha
4 hours ago, Guest Wait said:

I think you need to realize that your wife is deeply hurt by your parents—honestly, you as a man, as a man who likely has made excuses for your parents’ behavior, can’t see exactly the amount of hurtful comments they have made at your wife because you don’t want to believe it. 
 

Yes, I acknowledge that she is deeply hurt by my parents and they are by her.

Your parents’ job is to support your marriage and not agitate and annoy your wife. Let me ask you this: you say your wife is complaining and nagging about your parents. Have you ever stood-up for your wife? My guess is no. 
 

If you made a stand for your wife, her nagging would reduce. But because you are not on her side, she feels even more hurt by your inability to see your parents’ bad behavior. The fact you want to divorce your wife shows that you have not become a man, and won’t separate yourself from your parents. This is what bad parents want. They want their son all for themselves because they want to control and manipulate you.
 

Be a man and a good husband by laying boundaries. Tell them to back off. They are annoying your wife because you let it get that bad. Always remember that your wife is the number one priority when you get married, not your parents. Divorce won’t solve anything because if you get married again, the same cycle will repeat because it’s they that are causing problems. And you for allowing it. 
 

I do that all the time. Its just new issues keeping coming up every other day. And the issues are new all the times. It is about how:

My wife cooks

My mum

What items are placed in the freezer

Which store we do shopping from.

 

I acknowledge that these are petty things and shouldn't mean much. But then my parents being very traditional, have said stuff to her in the past that have deeply hurt her. However they don't think that they've done anything wrong as that is how they've been brought up. She on the other hand took a lot of offence as she was like who are they to tell me X,Y and Z as that is how she has been brought up.

Anways, now that both parties have lived with each other for such a time, they are beginning to give each other space. However as mentioned above, the smallest and most stupidest of things is leading to massive fights between us.

She shouts and screams and me and also hits me. I control myself because if I raise my voice then my parents will get very upset and get tension. She carries on shouting, yelling at me and physically hitting me and then at some point when I lose it, I unfortunately hit her back as a reflex reaction (I hold God as my witness when I say it is a reflex reaction and not intentional). This leads to her crying even more, getting panic attacks and even going to emergency care for panic attacks. So I end up apologising massively all the time as it is all my fault as I made her live with my 'evil' parents who happened to cook something she didn't like or take something out and put it in a different place. This is exactly what is killing me from the inside (taking a toll on my mental health) because I have no one to talk to. Whatever happens, the fault is mine because ultimately I made her live with them. They've hurt her and she can't say anything rude to them so she takes it all out on me. When I say something back, I am more evil because I am not there to listen to her and then the escalation happens.

This is pre-pregnancy. Now, the domestic violence hasn't happened yet  the shouting, screaming and crying carries on.

My parents althought they are down stairs, they can hear us fight and they think that it is always her shouting, screaming and fighting and  Iam not saying or doing anything to stop it. So because of this, they are in constant tension as they are worried for me. Since my health has taken a massive toll, they think it is all because of the stress she is causing.

 

 

4 hours ago, Guest Wait said:

Your Wife always comes first. Your parents need to respect your wife and you by leaving you guys alone. They are the type to cause problems in order to get you divorced or stay unhappily married. Don’t let them win. Be a man, stand-up for yourself and your wife and your unborn child. Their antics will reduce completely.

Don’t let your parents control you. Get your own place. That is your right as a married couple. Save up money and move out. 

 

This is my own place.  I am saving up for another place which will take atleast a year for the deposit. My wife doesn't work and doesn't want to work either which is fine with me. 

 

 

 

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Guest anothamarriedbrutha
10 hours ago, Meedy said:

Was she like that before she become a pregnant and Did you know she was extreme sensitive before getting pregnant ? If so, then that would've been the best time to divorce her.

I never wanted to divorce her. The Holy Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) and Imam Hassan AS are my role models in dealing with similar issues and hence why I would never initiate this heinous act.

You buy her everything she wants, that's one way of leading you to financial ruins. Does her family live in the same country as you? Yes

1. I suggest to have her moved in with her parents for a while. Do you know a sibling of her that you can talk to and have them maybe talk to her.

She lives over at her parents every few months. Not sure how it would help?

When both of you are together and a lone, is she still very sensitive? if so, do you wonder if she is got some sort of mental health conditions? 

2. Maybe have her see a psychologist or counsellor. 

She saw a doctor who prescribed her anti-depressants. She decided not to take them as we were trying for a baby.

She is pregnant so basically you have to be so careful what you to say because of her sensitivity may cause harm to the child or decide to self harm.

Do you think she loves you? Yes

What you gonna with the child, e.g. if she start accusing your parents of turning her kid against her? God is great.

if you parents tell you negative things, maybe because they want let our their frustration or how they feel. I think its impacting them as well. Don't take it personally.

 

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iA things get better. No pro here but but divorce sounds like a terrible idea for something like this. I think you should find a way to create peace between the two sides iA.  

Are your parents actually making rude remarks and comments against your wife? Directly or indirectly? 

If so, maybe you need to very kindly and warmly talk to them about the situation and about how it's negatively affecting you and your wife, who's also pregnant too.

Also, show your wife that you're standing up for her and are trying to better the situation for her.

You may find this short speech useful:

 

Edited by AStruggler
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Guest anothamarriedbrutha
56 minutes ago, AStruggler said:

iA things get better. No pro here but but divorce sounds like a terrible idea for something like this. I think you should find a way to create peace between the two sides iA.  

As mentioned above, divorce was never on the table from my side.

Quote

Are your parents actually making rude remarks and comments against your wife? Directly or indirectly? 

If so, maybe you need to very kindly and warmly talk to them about the situation and about how it's negatively affecting you and your wife, who's also pregnant too.

Also, show your wife that you're standing up for her and are trying to better the situation for her.

I did and it has now minimised/stopped. I say minimised as that is how my parents have been brought up as they are from a very different background and the things which were not ok during their time are ok now.  The problem is not the indirects but the petty things as mentioned above and everything from the past 4 years is brought up by my wife in our arguments.

Quote

You may find this short speech useful:

Thanks, I'll check it out.

Could you also do me a favour please? Could you kindly post on the sisters forum to request someone to comment on this thread please. I'd love to hear another female's perspective on what to do.

Thank you.

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Guest Wait
On 10/21/2020 at 6:16 AM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

This is my own place.  I am saving up for another place which will take atleast a year for the deposit. My wife doesn't work and doesn't want to work either which is fine with me. 

I’m a sister. This is the advice I’ve given you. 

Why don’t your parents have their own place? 

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Guest anothamarriedbrutha
4 hours ago, Guest Wait said:

I’m a sister. This is the advice I’ve given you. 
 

Why don’t your parents have their own place? 

They don't. We always lived in rented houses as we were poor. Now they're both retired and don't have any where else to go apart from living with me in my house.

 

 

4 hours ago, Guest Wait said:

Btw, I’m married. Support your wife or else she will leave you. 

What can I do?

How can I support her without making my parents homeless? I have also agreed on getting a flat for rent. However she doesn't want to live 'hand to mouth' and hence it is my parents' fault for making her live with them comfortably.

 

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Salams,

Regardless what happens divorce should only be a last resort and ideally shouldn't be considered unless there is serious harm or reasonable ground for it. We all know that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) hates divorces and is probably one of the worst things you can do as of now. Many good advice has already been given, I thought it would be good if I give some input to the matter.

In order for a problem to solved we have to take action. You have to consider what have I done to solve the matter. There are many things we can do to solve this issue but obviously the circumstances play a big role in which route we need to take. You've said it is difficult to rent a flat so this isn't really option. The only option as of now is we got to talk to both parties. As others have said, you need to support your wife, regardless if she is pregnant or not but because she is pregnant right now, she needs you more than ever. Since most of the problems seem to stem from your parents we need to go there. Everyone had a different upbringing, maybe where she was raised up, the way your parents communicate certain ideas were probably deemed offensive so it'll obviously cause problems (and so this might be the reason it's offending her or because they are actually offending her. Maybe it seems like normal talk to you but to her it isn't) and because she is already a sensitive person you have to be careful. You have to talk to you parents about this, tell them the way you're talking to my wife is offending her. I don't why your parents are even causing a hole in your marriage. If your parents are the cause of these problems you have to tell them and because your wife is pregnant you need to be there for her, pregnancy is not easy and she is going to need a lot of help from you, emotionally she needs it. Be there for you wife. The only thing you can do is have a serious talk with your parents.

Another important aspect you need to reflect on is have I done anything that might've caused this. We might not realise this but our actions in the past can have severe consequences in the future. If you do realise that you've done something that might've triggered this, then this is another starting point to fixing everything.

With Duas and Salams.

Edited by ShiaofAli12
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Pregnancy is a very difficult phase of a woman's life. A human being is growing inside your wife. While it is all designed by Allah and it is a great miracle that happens inside the body of the pregnant woman, she goes through all kinds of hormonal surges too. Any small kindness and affection during pregnancy remains engraved inside a woman's heart forever. Similarly, any teeny tiny bit of undesired words or behaviors may cause overflow of micro-emotions.

While you can't disobey your parents, you should support your wife and repititively mention to her how much you admire her for all the efforts of carrying your child inside her. During this time, all that a wife needs from her husband is the expression of love and gratefulness and honour. In sha Allah you will see huge reflection of your compassion and love in her (now or after first six months of baby blues). 

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19 hours ago, Guest Wait said:

I’m a sister. This is the advice I’ve given you. 
 

Why don’t your parents have their own place? 

Have you understood what he has told you? He clearly knows the solution is to life separately but cannot currently do that.  Your advice to him does not make any sense in his current situation. 

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On 10/21/2020 at 3:07 AM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

Any small disagreement that happens between us, she bring up EVERYTHING from the past 4 years without taking a single breath

Probably because in her mind they have been filed under 'unresolved marriage problems caused by parents in law' (not saying your parents are responsible, trying to tell you her side of the story)So every time something new happens the folder is opened and everything comes out again.

On 10/21/2020 at 3:07 AM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

Can't divorce her - She's pregnant

No need to inshallah. The situation is salvageable.

On 10/21/2020 at 3:07 AM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

What can I do?

I can't move out - can't afford it

Keep this on top of your objectives. Move out as soon as you can. Do it without any resentment towards her or your parents. Both parties have a right to their personal space. 

On 10/21/2020 at 3:07 AM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

I find it very difficult to tell my parents to not tell me negative things about her as they are traumatised

Please ask them to put up with her during the duration of her pregnancy. 

Tell your wife that you are aiming to get a separate flat as soon as possible and can she please be polite and respectful towards your parents until then. 

15 hours ago, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

Now they're both retired and don't have any where else to go apart from living with me in my house.

Mashallah! Allah will reward you many times over for showing generosity and kindness towards your parents.

Hang in there. There is no quick fix to this. You will just have to be patient until you can move out. Instead of buying extra things for your wife save that money for the flat. Give Sadqa, make dua to Allah to increase your sustenance and bless your household. Remain positive and hopeful. This dunya is a place of test after all. 

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Guest anothamarriedbrutha
5 hours ago, starlight said:

Probably because in her mind they have been filed under 'unresolved marriage problems caused by parents in law' (not saying your parents are responsible, trying to tell you her side of the story)So every time something new happens the folder is opened and everything comes out again.

Exactly this! How can I work with her to live in the present and look forward to the future inshallah? And not bring up things from the past.

 

No need to inshallah. The situation is salvageable.

Keep this on top of your objectives. Move out as soon as you can. Do it without any resentment towards her or your parents. Both parties have a right to their personal space. 

Please ask them to put up with her during the duration of her pregnancy. 

Tell your wife that you are aiming to get a separate flat as soon as possible and can she please be polite and respectful towards your parents until then. 

Mashallah! Allah will reward you many times over for showing generosity and kindness towards your parents.

Hang in there. There is no quick fix to this. You will just have to be patient until you can move out. Instead of buying extra things for your wife save that money for the flat. Give Sadqa, make dua to Allah to increase your sustenance and bless your household. Remain positive and hopeful. This dunya is a place of test after all. 

Thank you

 

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On 10/21/2020 at 4:58 PM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

 

 

On 10/21/2020 at 4:58 PM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

 

Ok, so where do you live? What was your parents’ jobs prior to retiring? Do they have any savings? Do they expect you to pay for them once you move out? 
 

It’s hard to believe that they have zero retirement benefits. Usually, when people retire, plus social security amounts to being able to afford their own apartment. 
 

It seems to me that there are more things at play than what you are stating. When most people retire, they get enough money to fend for themselves through retirement benefits and social security. Either that, or food stamps/welfare.

It seems that there is a money management issue on your end as well. Maybe some short sightedness. If you really want to get your own apartment, you need to create a separate savings account so that you’re not tempted to splurge.

And it seems like they culturally expect you to take care of them, at the expense your marriage and well-being. 

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7 hours ago, KulluNafsin said:

Have you understood what he has told you? He clearly knows the solution is to life separately but cannot currently do that.  Your advice to him does not make any sense in his current situation. 

Out of everything I’ve mentioned in my wall of text, on how he needs to support his wife, you pick out this aspect. Why don’t you acknowledge all the other things I said? 

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On 10/21/2020 at 10:05 AM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

Thanks, I'll check it out.

Could you also do me a favour please? Could you kindly post on the sisters forum to request someone to comment on this thread please. I'd love to hear another female's perspective on what to do.

Thank you.

Yeah you should. 

I just posted it as a status update. 

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Guest MarriedSis

Salam, I understand this situation from my own (traumatic) experience of living with in-laws while pregnant. This story is very typical of a certain culture. You have to understand some things.

Firstly, you stated your parents are (a) very traditional and (b) retired - this implies they are old and you cannot expect them to change their ways. You should have predicted this scenario and lived separate from the beginning. This was your responsibility as a man so I understand why your wife blames you - understand that she may say things out of anger but it is not an attack on your parents existence, it is the fact that they are impacting your marriage and you are being a passive spectator. Further, if you don't resolve things when they happen then yes, they will be brought up at a later point. My guess is that you still haven't acknowledged her version of whatever has happened in the past 4 years so she still feels extremely hurt by those incidents. You need to talk to her when she is calm, listen to her complaints, without taking it personally and help her come to some kind of closure on it, apologise that you didn't play a bigger role, say you will try harder etc. With affection and understanding, even if it is something small in your eyes, listen to what she is saying without arguing back, she will react to your calm reaction. Learn ways of cheering her up, like cracking a joke about it to make it light-hearted, or distracting her with something else. She is literally screaming for help and struggling to cope and you are here complaining about having to put up with your pregnant wife and wanting help for your own mental health......

If its not currently possible to move out financially / your parents are dependent on you / you wish to keep them with you long-term, then is there a possibility of a separate kitchen in the house for your wife, if your parents are on a separate floor in the same house etc ? When a girl gets married, understand she needs personal space and wants to feel like a queen of that space, however small. By denying her that right she will feel frustrated (much like your respected mother does too I'm sure). You have to give everyone their respect and position without infringing on others respect. If a small kitchen space is not possible, then think about selling your house to get a bigger place that allows your parents to live near but independently to some extent on separate floors, or two small places next to each other etc. This is the VERY LEAST you can do.

In your original post you talk about your panic attacks and effect on mental health, etc. Then much later in a reply you mention your wife is going through the same and has been to the hospital for panic attacks etc.................................Understand you are living with your parents. She is NOT with her parents, she is PREGNANT, she is HURTING, you need to take care of her. Poor you, you don't have anyone to talk to?! You go to work or do you work from home? Your wife is at home all day in any case, and is reliant on you emotionally more than your parents. I'm sure your parent's mental health is affected too. EVERYONE right now is stressed and worried. Please know that in general, every house is feeling the effects of the pandemic. People are tired and taking frustrations out on those closest to them after being stuck at home. The fact that you come on this forum to get sympathy for yourself, instead of understanding that your wife is feeling 10x worse than you, shows you are just thinking about yourself. You mention divorce in the first post (will ignore the repliers who did so too) and imply the reason you aren't divorcing is because she is carrying your child!? It sounds like you don't have much sympathy and care for her to be thinking that way. Although I appreciate you later said you wouldn't divorce - so why consider it?? She is the one suffering here. You are fed up because of her mood swings caused by pregnancy? Sorry I don't have any special sympathy for you. In this case, only helping her will help your particular stress.

Please stop thinking about only yourself. Being a husband isn't just about bringing money in the house. You need to take care of her, be thinking about how you should react when she gets stressed. Who exactly is going to help her?? She is at her most vulnerable right now, and needs to feel loved, appreciated and at peace. Make a list of things you can do when things get heated, e.g take her on a random drive. Sometimes it won't work and she might find it hard to control her emotions - listen patiently and please keep in mind that she is pregnant and that this is common even in a non-COVID non-joint family scenario! I expect it must be so much more tough for her, I can't even imagine!! Know that this time of pregnancy is special and this time will pass.

Give her sympathy, respect and understanding, please. Let her spend time with her family towards the end of the pregnancy if thats where she is more comfortable. You sound very respectful and caring of your parents so don't change that, that is good but understand your role in the middle is very important and should be active not passive. You can set firm boundaries in a polite way without changing your behaviour towards them. Inshallah your wife has a healthy and smooth pregnancy! and may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) make this pandemic easy for us to get through with patience and strength.

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On 10/20/2020 at 11:07 PM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

I can't move out - can't afford it

Can't divorce her - She's pregnant

This is very confusing. 

On one hand you're suggesting a major decision in favour of your marriage and on the other hand ending the marriage. Although you have said you can't make either decision, it seems you would make a decision if you could. Very confusing. 

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4 hours ago, Ali_Hussain said:

Epic well thought out reply from Guest MarriedSis

Her reply has scared off every last male out there from the possibility of marriage. 

While also terrifying males who are already married. 

 

Incredibly well thought out indeed. 

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49 minutes ago, Vindemiatrix said:

Her reply has scared off every last male out there from the possibility of marriage. 

While also terrifying males who are already married. 

 

Incredibly well thought out indeed. 

There is truth with what she has said.

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On 10/21/2020 at 7:39 AM, Guest Wait said:

I think you need to realize that your wife is deeply hurt by your parents—honestly, you as a man, as a man who likely has made excuses for your parents’ behavior, can’t see exactly the amount of hurtful comments they have made at your wife because you don’t want to believe it. 
 

Your parents’ job is to support your marriage and not agitate and annoy your wife. Let me ask you this: you say your wife is complaining and nagging about your parents. Have you ever stood-up for your wife? My guess is no. 
 

If you made a stand for your wife, her nagging would reduce. But because you are not on her side, she feels even more hurt by your inability to see your parents’ bad behavior. The fact you want to divorce your wife shows that you have not become a man, and won’t separate yourself from your parents. This is what bad parents want. They want their son all for themselves because they want to control and manipulate you.
 

Be a man and a good husband by laying boundaries. Tell them to back off. They are annoying your wife because you let it get that bad. Always remember that your wife is the number one priority when you get married, not your parents. Divorce won’t solve anything because if you get married again, the same cycle will repeat because it’s they that are causing problems. And you for allowing it. 
 

Your Wife always comes first. Your parents need to respect your wife and you by leaving you guys alone. They are the type to cause problems in order to get you divorced or stay unhappily married. Don’t let them win. Be a man, stand-up for yourself and your wife and your unborn child. Their antics will reduce completely.

Don’t let your parents control you. Get your own place. That is your right as a married couple. Save up money and move out. 

I disagree 

The wife isn't number 1 priority 

Parents come first and then wife 

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12 hours ago, MohammadAli1993 said:

I disagree 

The wife isn't number 1 priority 

Parents come first and then wife 

Ok, then good luck to you and your future wife when you go through problems worse than the OP. 
 

A man becomes a man only when he respects his parents but acknowledges that his wife and kids are always the first priority. If parents are first then he will forever be a “mama’s boy” who never grows up and allow his parents to meddle and interfere in his marriage.

That’s the rule of married life. Just as women get married and form their new life with their husband and kids, so do men. It’s called a marriage=wife and husband. Not husband, wife, and his parents. 

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Guest MarriedSis
12 hours ago, Vindemiatrix said:

Her reply has scared off every last male out there from the possibility of marriage. 

While also terrifying males who are already married. 

 

Incredibly well thought out indeed. 

Well he did want the perspective of a female :/  I obviously happen to feel a bit too strongly about this issue lol.

I fully admit the post angered me personally because it reminded me of my own experience. I also had no intention to dress my words up because I know from my experience that usually there isn't anyone else in their closed situation to say this straight to them. Also I would have separate advice for the wifey, who sounds like she reached the end of her wits a long time ago. But this advice was for the guy who was asking. If everyone thought of others over themselves the world would be a happier place. He should concentrate on what he needs to do.

I am quiet by nature, kept most of my anger and frustrations suppressed inside me during my pregnancy. My husband would come home and be annoyed if I didn't smile at him when he came from work when I was evidently upset about something. This selfish attitude is common even if you take away the 'nagging'. Even when they know their other half is hurting, its all about themselves, and they wonder why they are not at peace without wanting to change anything. Whether a woman lets it out or keeps it in (and she has to do one of the two), it is not good for your marriage and not good for your child. Once you become attentive to her and she is reassured of your understanding, she won't even feel like complaining any more and will learn to deal with things better.

If a guy doesn't already get the importance of care/understanding, then yes they shouldn't get married, please spare women and children the trauma. Sorry it came out harsh and bitter from me but these things need to be said. Its easy for me as I am anonymous and on a forum. If you see it happening it around you, with your brother etc then we should speak up. Advise friends to live separately from the beginning after marriage as its harder to move out down the line. The message isn't to not get married. Just don't go into marriage so naive and immature, grow up boys, this part of the culture has to change some day but unfortunately all the same problems are handed down to the next generation. If you are a mother and have a son, make him live independently and don't interfere in his marriage. Be the good mother-in-law that you wanted instead of passing on any negativity that happened to you. Break the cycle. 

I'm so tired of my friends going through similar situations and hearing non-stop stories of this. Why are white non-Muslim guys so much better at caring for their wives than Muslims? This isn't Islam. Why would you even be terrified at showing care - it doesn't lower you as a man but raises you. Or did you mean terrified of women in pregnancy? Lol. Am genuinely confused. My post was catered to the original poster from his description. In general, pregnancy affects all women differently but it is certainly not her fault if its more difficult for her. The root solution IMO is as I stated, don't live with parents especially in the beginning of the marriage when the couple need space to find their own feet and flourish together and grow strong in love. Your parents might be the most wonderful people in the world but this is still necessary. Later the wife might even say to you herself to bring your parents into the house if they are very elderly and need care.

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11 hours ago, Ali_Hussain said:

Does there have to be a first and a second, can there not be a right and a wrong? (Although probably not so simple in practice)

Yes, there should be.

Men who don’t put their wives ahead of their parents will suffer the consequences and experience marital collapse. It’s usually because these men never set healthy boundaries on their parents enough to form a healthy relationship with their wife. They enable their mothers and fathers to gang-up on their wives and they become passive and afraid to make a stand for their wives. 
 

The men that do make a stand for their wives often find that their marriages are healthier and that their parents are less likely to meddle because he won’t put up with it.

As a married woman, my husband had to lay some serious boundaries after they showed their true colors. After I gave them so many chances, for my own well-being, I cut them out of my life. I’ve never been happier, and my husband supports my decision because he has seen first hand the agony they’ve caused me. He always stands up for me and they’ve learned that if they want to be a part of his life, they need to respect the boundaries he’s placed. 

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For the record, neither my husband nor I were expecting bad behavior from my in-laws. But when they went off the rails and hurt us, especially me, my husband stood-up for me. He never once let them meddle and badmouth me—he shut them down quick at their attempts. 
 

He said, “When a guy marries, he needs to grow-up and focus on his new family—his wife and kids. That’s the people you’re going to be around the most. He can’t have his momma wiping him and taking care of him.” 

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  • Development Team
On 10/20/2020 at 6:07 PM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

 

I buy her literally everything she wants (even stuff she doesn't need) and yet these whenever there is a disagreement, EVERYTHING from the past 4 years is brought up.

You can't buy happiness or love, akhi. She's clearly upset with you and the fact that she brings up everything from the past four years tells me you haven't been listening to her. 

 

On 10/20/2020 at 6:07 PM, Guest anothamarriedbrutha said:

Now, anything my parents do are say, she thinks they are telling her off.

Then you need to ask her what your parents have been saying to her and then you need to STERNLY remind them not to provoke her because she always gets upset whenever they open their mouths. This joint family arrangement is some bad juju.

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