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In the Name of God بسم الله

Syeda wants to Marry non-syed

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Asalaamolaykum ,

Now I know this topic has been discussed time and time again (I have read every forum regarding it) and a lot of you may be like ugh not again :dry:

but I would sincerely like some support and guidance with reference to my personal situation. 
 

I have found the man I would like to marry. He has a lot of the qualities I desire in a husband, lover, best friend and companion. He follows Shia beliefs, like I. We are on the same level in many ways. I am very much ready for marriage, as is he. We would like to get married to please Allah and to also allow us too both start growing together and building a life together in the dunya and akhirah. All sounds sweet however he is not Syed like me..

For me this poses NO issue, neither do I agree that a syeda requires a syed man for marriage and these cultural rules infuriate me, make no logical sense and really disrupt the easiness of marriage. I am not higher than anybody or have certain rights compared to other Muslims. This caste system is nonsense to me. The only requirements for marriage to me is if the person is on deen and if they are decent. Marriage shouldn’t be denied for anything else.

My Father heavily believes a syed woman should marry a syed man. He does taqlid with Sistani who clearly states there is no objection. However, he has said to my Mum that he is not bothered by that and that if me and my sisters were to get married the guy would need to be syed. This is not my belief and neither should it be my Fathers if he is doing taqlid with Sistani.. it’s a ridiculous expectation especially in this generation and I am not waiting years on to find a syed man when I have the man I would like to marry now. I feel as though I have had many restrictions put on me through disgusting cultural barriers just because I am a girl, and I don’t agree with any of it. 

I would like to approach my Father soon and tell him that I have found the man I want to marry and the reasons why and why I need this right now in my life. However, I have been warned by my Mother that he will hit the roof and it is going to be super difficult. I am expecting him to say no. However, I am not willing to let go of my potential spouse because of this and it is truly unfair. Has anyone been in such a position, any tips, did their Father ever come round if initially it was a no? Any advice would be appreciated

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1 hour ago, peaceispower said:

if me and my sisters were to get married the guy would need to be syed. 

Salam. You forgot to say if your sisters are older or younger than you. 

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22 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

You forgot to say if your sisters are older or younger than you. 

Are you the youngest sister? If any of your sisters are older than you, your "cultural" parents will not let you marry now. She (they) would need to marry first. 

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23 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

Are you the youngest sister? If any of your sisters are older than you, your "cultural" parents will not let you marry now. She (they) would need to marry first. 

I am the second oldest. I just feel upset that I have to wait around for this when I am so ready and feel at loss, I feel I have no worth or use to be at home where I am treated like a little girl instead of the woman that I am :/

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Guest Gamila
On 10/19/2020 at 2:22 AM, Hameedeh said:

Are you the youngest sister? If any of your sisters are older than you, your "cultural" parents will not let you marry now. She (they) would need to marry first. 

How? When? What? I’m confused as to what this has to do with her problem...

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3 hours ago, Guest Gamila said:

How? When? What? I’m confused as to what this has to do with her problem...

She said she has an older sister. In her family's culture, the oldest sister needs to marry first. If the middle sister or the youngest sister got married first, ignorant people would claim there was some kind of problem, either with the older sister who did not get married first or with the other sister who needed to rush into marriage before her sister. 

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It’s so disheartening that human beings focus so much on what other people think, how many things have been hindered due to this. I could never base my choices or decisions around what other people think. These same very people are doing their own thing and it’s really not that deep. 
 

I know in my heart that I shouldn’t wait or change who I want to marry based on what the community will think. These so called people have done nothing for me in my life and never will. This is my happiness at stake, I just feel I need my companion with me to help me through trials and tribulations in life and not face these alone at home where nobody is really supporting me. I am not ungrateful for my family but they can’t and don’t support me to the level I require in my life. And of course everyone is dealing with their own problems in the household too. It’s really sad that women are seen as property where decisions have to be made by someone else when in fact the right of choosing a spouse is and should only be solely of the woman. Of course I want my parents blessing and wouldn’t marry without it, but I am not wanting to deal with the “oh you hurt your parents for marrying your spouse” how ridiculous and selfish is that in itself. Instead the focus should be you are failing your child’s happiness on pathetic beliefs

I am venting I know, just so tired of silly cultural beliefs and it makes following Islam so difficult when culture and religion collide. God forgive me.

 

 

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