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In the Name of God بسم الله

Shia Sunni marriages - your experiences

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Salam alakum, I have posted before about my difficulty in finding a Shia male spouse. I haven’t even come close to finding somebody so I would appreciate that for this post you do not advice me to do this as I know this is the ideal scenario/ options.

I would like to know your experiences of meeting and marrying somebody Sunni. How did you navigate the process. Is there anything you’ve learnt or what would you do differently? I would rather you share your own personal experiences or those of somebody you are genuinely close to. 

I’d just like to say I am in two minds about whether marrying a Sunni would be a realistic option for me but I do want to be open minded about this as I don’t want to be alone forever and this is a halal route.

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Seriously, why can't we Muslims discuss anything without it descending into a pissing contest between sects?! :dwarf:

Thanks to the others who tried to stay on topic. I think it is my own fault for not framing the question correctly. Muslims like to brag about our golden age of Islam when we ruled the world etc. and were leaders in science etc and superpowers were Muslim states but those are all worldly things so why is it when we are no longer ahead in worldly things we suddenly change the goalpost and say, 'ah but you see our societies are spiritually and morally better! look at these people just engaged in the dunya! Then some even add, 'they asked for everything in the duniya and Allah granted it to them! We have the Akhirah!' (latter is true but not relevant to my point. Where was this argument of prefering akhirah when 5 minutes before you were bragging about being leaders in the duniya?

maybe i can pose my question better with an example: X is a Muslim girl. Y is a non Muslim girl. Both in high school in say a Western European  (Germany, France, UK etc.) country where age of consent is 16, alcohol is allowed at 16 for wine, 18 for hard liquors, society is generally post-religious especially for her peer group. X might want to experience all these things but she can't because she believes they are haram so she forgoes them but always wonders what it would be like. Y experiences them for herself but finds maybe she doesn't like some of them so stops doing them. She's come to the same conclusion as X but through her own intellect and experiences. Ergo her life is more fulfilling. X believes in an afterlife. Y doesn't. Until they both die none of them can know for certain if it exists or not. It is a belief system only. Yet for X it has a concrete effect on what she can experience in this life while she is alive. Say later on at Uni, X also decides to try something she earlier didn't do out of religious reasons or parental pressure or both (likely); let's say she allows herself to try some premarital sexual activity (say oral sex only) and really likes it but she has to constantly fight with the religious guilt of why she did that. She is in a constant mental struggle with between her desires and the laws of her religion. This leads to a double life or cognitive dissonance. She loves reading but is told by her shaikh/marja/parents/friends/local mullah that she shouldn't read this and this and this books because they are written by kuffaar/deviant sect/atheists/satan and it will effect her imaan if she does as she might like the arguments in them!  Y can read whatever she wants. She decides one day to read what her friend X is reading. It's the Koran. She likes it and starts to read about Islam more. X has read a book on Islamic history and found a lot of stuff she doesn't like but is too scared to ask anyone as she will be called a mulhid and a spawn of satan with her freethinking! X spent her whole life being told what to do and even think. Y spent her whole life doing what she wanted to do or think. They both die on the same day, X surrounded by her family, Y alone in a nursing home. Allah knows who will go to heaven and hell. Who has a life with more experiences and hence a more fulfilling life?

 

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8 hours ago, HopefulBeliever said:

Salam alakum, I have posted before about my difficulty in finding a Shia male spouse. I haven’t even come close to finding somebody so I would appreciate that for this post you do not advice me to do this as I know this is the ideal scenario/ options.

I would like to know your experiences of meeting and marrying somebody Sunni. How did you navigate the process. Is there anything you’ve learnt or what would you do differently? I would rather you share your own personal experiences or those of somebody you are genuinely close to. 

I’d just like to say I am in two minds about whether marrying a Sunni would be a realistic option for me but I do want to be open minded about this as I don’t want to be alone forever and this is a halal route.

I married a very religious and pious Sunni. (alhamdulillah).  This was before I become more Sunni (of course).  But it wasn't because of her I became more Sunni (i just have an open mind).  But leaving my conversion aside (as I don't want this entire topic to be derailed!!!!) I think it depends on you.  A Sunni wife would not want to get married to a Shia if she is coming from a very religious Sunni family.  IF she doesn't mind marrying a Shia, then perhaps she isn't that religious....  My wife didn't mind marrying me (a Shia) because she didn't come from a religious family, she is a convert.  All her Sunni friends around her tried to dissuade her to marry me because of me being Shia.  But that didn;t work out because God's plan prevails!  lol  So, just letting you know of potential hurdles.  Now the question to ask is, will your family accept you marrying a Sunni.  again this depends on how conservative your family is.  My family minded, but they also tend to trust me and my decisions.  And so although it was a little hard for them to accept it initially they now see it as not a big deal whatsoever especially given how amazing my wife is (they really like her).   :)

  

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3 hours ago, warisshah2012 said:

X spent her whole life being told what to do and even think. Y spent her whole life doing what she wanted to do or think. They both die on the same day, X surrounded by her family, Y alone in a nursing home. Allah knows who will go to heaven and hell. Who has a life with more experiences and hence a more fulfilling life?

Salam your idea only in tow conditions can be true one condition is that both of X & Y must be immortals & live until judgment day so they can exprience anything then choose best things that this is not possible other condition is that both of them knew about exact time of their death so they can experience everything on a schedule then choose best way in end that this one is also impossible but every religion specially Islam has clear definition & procedure for showing true & wrong way so person X by following rules will find salvation & paradise  but person Y will live on vagueness & gambles his destiny between  salvation & damnation  but both of them  might die when they are surrounded by her family or in nursing home anyway we are sure about salvation of X because she followed rules that lead her to salvation based on rules from Allah but destiny of Y will be vague & uncertain until judgment day so according to me Allah is only who knows our destiny but he gave us enough will & rules for reaching to salvation or damnation that sometimes we can understand wisdom & reason behind rules & sometimes we can't to it but following divine rules will lead to salvation & best destiny so we can't hide our head under snow & just say because only Allah knows our destiny so we can break rules or experience forbidden things  then hope salvation .

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Salam Alaykum,

I'm in a similar position. I am a practicing Shi'a and there are no Shi'as in my area. Personally, I will not marry a Sunni under any circumstances.  I'm in my mid 20s, and it's been so hard because I really do wish to get married, but there's no one I can even consider. My parents are also homebodies and literally know nobody, so they aren't a huge help either. 

I really hope you do not consider marriage with a Sunni. While some scholars say it is permissible, it's just too much trouble. I've had female friends consider Sunni men, but it always led to a falling out. Even with my male Sunni friends/acquaintances, they'll try showing shade on my beliefs every now and then, which just leads to a huge argument (again, I do not tolerate this and am very outspoken). In addition, you might risk your children being Sunni.

You probably would like to get married and feel like you have no other choice, but your love for the Ahlulbayt should be more than your worldly desires. And this is coming from a hopeless romantic who also doesn't want to die alone. 

Don't settle. Instead, make du'a and ask Allah. He can perform miracles. There is nothing He can't do, so yes, He can also bring you a Shi'a man. 

Also, to the person who wants to speak on Iranian Muslims (I am Iranian myself in America), Western Iranians do not represent the majority. Unfortunately, life in Iran has become very, very, very hard and this will obviously lead to a dip in faith. Inshallah, Allah will guide them and bring them back to Islam. 

 

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Erm... this post took an interesting turn. 
 

Thanks to those that stayed on topic and for leaving thoughtful responses. It would be good to hear from those with experiences marrying into Sunni families. 
 

My Sunni friend interested me to a good Sunni guy which is what triggered this post FYI.

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On 10/11/2020 at 10:20 PM, eThErEaL said:

I married a very religious and pious Sunni. (alhamdulillah).  This was before I become more Sunni (of course).  But it wasn't because of her I became more Sunni (i just have an open mind).  But leaving my conversion aside (as I don't want this entire topic to be derailed!!!!) I think it depends on you.  A Sunni wife would not want to get married to a Shia if she is coming from a very religious Sunni family.  IF she doesn't mind marrying a Shia, then perhaps she isn't that religious....  My wife didn't mind marrying me (a Shia) because she didn't come from a religious family, she is a convert.  All her Sunni friends around her tried to dissuade her to marry me because of me being Shia.  But that didn;t work out because God's plan prevails!  lol  So, just letting you know of potential hurdles.  Now the question to ask is, will your family accept you marrying a Sunni.  again this depends on how conservative your family is.  My family minded, but they also tend to trust me and my decisions.  And so although it was a little hard for them to accept it initially they now see it as not a big deal whatsoever especially given how amazing my wife is (they really like her).   :)

  

Wait so were you Shia or Sunni when you got married? Or are you an atheist?

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6 hours ago, MaisumAli said:

Wait so were you Shia or Sunni when you got married? Or are you an atheist?

 

I got married 4 years ago.  At that time I was more Shia.  Then I became more Sunni. 
but as far as being an Atheist Secular Humanist....  I guess I have always been an Atheist at heart.  

 


 

 

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7 hours ago, HopefulBeliever said:

Erm... this post took an interesting turn. 
 

Thanks to those that stayed on topic and for leaving thoughtful responses. It would be good to hear from those with experiences marrying into Sunni families. 
 

My Sunni friend interested me to a good Sunni guy which is what triggered this post FYI.

Good.  

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20 minutes ago, eThErEaL said:

 

I got married 4 years ago.  At that time I was more Shia.  Then I became more Sunni. 
but as far as being an Atheist Secular Humanist....  I guess I have always been an Atheist at heart.  

 


 

 

Umm okay...cool

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On 10/11/2020 at 10:20 PM, eThErEaL said:

I married a very religious and pious Sunni. (alhamdulillah).  This was before I become more Sunni (of course).  But it wasn't because of her I became more Sunni (i just have an open mind).  But leaving my conversion aside (as I don't want this entire topic to be derailed!!!!) I think it depends on you.  A Sunni wife would not want to get married to a Shia if she is coming from a very religious Sunni family.  IF she doesn't mind marrying a Shia, then perhaps she isn't that religious....  My wife didn't mind marrying me (a Shia) because she didn't come from a religious family, she is a convert.  All her Sunni friends around her tried to dissuade her to marry me because of me being Shia.  But that didn;t work out because God's plan prevails!  lol  So, just letting you know of potential hurdles.  Now the question to ask is, will your family accept you marrying a Sunni.  again this depends on how conservative your family is.  My family minded, but they also tend to trust me and my decisions.  And so although it was a little hard for them to accept it initially they now see it as not a big deal whatsoever especially given how amazing my wife is (they really like her).   :)

  

If your wife is still a Sunni or a Muslim. Technically your marriage is invalid now as you have become an atheist. A Muslima cannot remain married to a man if he loses his faith. It's an illegitimate affair now. Have you told her about your views or are you hiding them?

May Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) forgive your wife for this pathetic ordeal.

Edited by El Cid
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9 hours ago, El Cid said:

If your wife is still a Sunni or a Muslim. Technically your marriage is invalid now as you have become an atheist. A Muslima cannot remain married to a man if he loses his faith. It's an illegitimate affair now. Have you told her about your views or are you hiding them?

May Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) forgive your wife for this pathetic ordeal.

Oh yes.  She is an Atheist too.  

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On 10/12/2020 at 1:30 PM, Talk313 said:

Salam Alaykum,

I'm in a similar position. I am a practicing Shi'a and there are no Shi'as in my area. Personally, I will not marry a Sunni under any circumstances.  I'm in my mid 20s, and it's been so hard because I really do wish to get married, but there's no one I can even consider. My parents are also homebodies and literally know nobody, so they aren't a huge help either. 

I really hope you do not consider marriage with a Sunni. While some scholars say it is permissible, it's just too much trouble. I've had female friends consider Sunni men, but it always led to a falling out. Even with my male Sunni friends/acquaintances, they'll try showing shade on my beliefs every now and then, which just leads to a huge argument (again, I do not tolerate this and am very outspoken). In addition, you might risk your children being Sunni.

You probably would like to get married and feel like you have no other choice, but your love for the Ahlulbayt should be more than your worldly desires. And this is coming from a hopeless romantic who also doesn't want to die alone. 

Don't settle. Instead, make du'a and ask Allah. He can perform miracles. There is nothing He can't do, so yes, He can also bring you a Shi'a man. 

Also, to the person who wants to speak on Iranian Muslims (I am Iranian myself in America), Western Iranians do not represent the majority. Unfortunately, life in Iran has become very, very, very hard and this will obviously lead to a dip in faith. Inshallah, Allah will guide them and bring them back to Islam. 

Salamun Alaykum

Hats-off to you that you hold this attitude of not mixing and keeping our pure Shia beliefs intact for future generation, I admire your words.

However I have seen from very close how problems in core beliefs of a Shia man / woman occur when they get married to a Sunni without latter reverting to Shi'ism. Some of their children become SuShi and start loosing their core beliefs such as dissociation from enemies of Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام), some of them start caring less about their religion and even the Shia (man/woman) in the relationship with Sunni will start loosing touch with Shia beliefs and practises.

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On 10/12/2020 at 4:00 AM, Talk313 said:

I really hope you do not consider marriage with a Sunni. While some scholars say it is permissible, it's just too much trouble. I've had female friends consider Sunni men, but it always led to a falling out. Even with my male Sunni friends/acquaintances, they'll try showing shade on my beliefs every now and then, which just leads to a huge argument (again, I do not tolerate this and am very outspoken). In addition, you might risk your children being Sunni.

I have to agree (kinda) with this. I mean, the question can be reframed as would you be for marrying a non-Muslim, and while some see it as halal and all, I'd still say no. 

The only people I've known in my life who ended up good in intra-religious marriages were never religious to begin with. I have a cousin for instance who married this 'Christian' white dude (we're Somali, Sunni), and it's kinda obvious that they're not planning on raising their kids in any religion. If you're any kind of a religious person, that's probably the nightmare scenario for you lol. 

So, if you are religious, which it seems that you are, I'd stick to trying to find a fellow Shia. Pray, take your time, be open and honest, and inshallah Allah will send someone to you.

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Believe it or not, marriages between Sunnis and Shias can work out well because as long as the two people are respectful of one another, that’s all that matters. People who make fun of your beliefs aren’t respectful people, period. Religious differences are just an excuse for them to be disrespectful about something. 
 

Honestly, it’s not about religious differences: it’s about how the two people get along. And for the record, yes I married a Sunni. He became Shia, but that’s not even the point. 

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20 hours ago, Guest Marriage said:

Believe it or not, marriages between Sunnis and Shias can work out well because as long as the two people are respectful of one another, that’s all that matters. People who make fun of your beliefs aren’t respectful people, period. Religious differences are just an excuse for them to be disrespectful about something. 
 

Honestly, it’s not about religious differences: it’s about how the two people get along. And for the record, yes I married a Sunni. He became Shia, but that’s not even the point. 

It won’t work unless ur not religious.... otherwise your just as delusional as the trinitarians and the Jews.

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3 hours ago, THREE1THREE said:

It won’t work unless ur not religious.... otherwise your just as delusional as the trinitarians and the Jews.

We are both religious. It’s not delusional, it’s called respect. Just as Catholics and Protestants can marry and have great marriages, so can Shias and Sunnis.

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12 hours ago, THREE1THREE said:

 

First of all, stop with the name-calling. You have no right to name call and personally attack someone just because you personally don’t like something. It’s not very Islamic. Be an adult and have a mature conversation.
 

Secondly, I do have a great marriage with a religious ex-Sunni person, and I practice as well. He became Shia eventually because he wanted to follow the teaching of the Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) so exactly what is your problem? You’re acting so salty right now. Just mad I’m saying the truth? That my marriage is too much for your mind to comprehend? 
 

Not all Sunnis hate Shias. Sorry you had bad experiences with Sunnis but not every Sunni is the same. Besides, you wanted people’s experiences with interfaith marriages so it seems like you just wanted to bash people who have positive experiences with Sunni/Shia marriages. 

Edited by Mahdavist
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13 hours ago, Guest Marriage said:

First of all, stop with the name-calling. You have no right to name call and personally attack someone just because you personally don’t like something. It’s not very Islamic. Be an adult and have a mature conversation.
 

Secondly, I do have a great marriage with a religious ex-Sunni person, and I practice as well. He became Shia eventually because he wanted to follow the teaching of the Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) so exactly what is your problem? You’re acting so salty right now. Just mad I’m saying the truth? That my marriage is too much for your mind to comprehend? 
 

Not all Sunnis hate Shias. Sorry you had bad experiences with Sunnis but not every Sunni is the same. Besides, you wanted people’s experiences with interfaith marriages so it seems like you just wanted to bash people who have positive experiences with Sunni/Shia marriages. 

Can I ask you something, did your parents and his agree with the marriage and how did you deal with uncertainty? I am currently having the dilemma, because I don't know if it would work out. Any advice? I would really appreciate that. 

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8 hours ago, F.allm said:

Can I ask you something, did your parents and his agree with the marriage and how did you deal with uncertainty? I am currently having the dilemma, because I don't know if it would work out. Any advice? I would really appreciate that. 

His parents are no longer relevant. 
 

My parents were very supportive because they saw how strong and healthy, Alhamdulilah, our relationship was and still is. No issues there. 
 

Here is my advice: judge him on his personality and character and determine that if the Sunni aspect wasn’t in the picture, would you want to be with him? Also ask him what he thinks about raising your kids Shia?

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On 10/23/2020 at 12:00 PM, Guest Marriage said:

We are both religious. It’s not delusional, it’s called respect. Just as Catholics and Protestants can marry and have great marriages, so can Shias and Sunnis.

The Catholic Church doesn't recognize marriages which take place outside of The Church. So technically yes, but only if the protestant spouse is willing to be married in a Catholic ceremony and attest to the Catholic Church that all children will be raised Catholic. 

(Unless they've changed this since my parents were married.)

Usually at least one spouse must be not so adamantly religious. 

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On 10/12/2020 at 5:16 AM, HopefulBeliever said:

Salam alakum, I have posted before about my difficulty in finding a Shia male spouse. I haven’t even come close to finding somebody so I would appreciate that for this post you do not advice me to do this as I know this is the ideal scenario/ options.

I would like to know your experiences of meeting and marrying somebody Sunni. How did you navigate the process. Is there anything you’ve learnt or what would you do differently? I would rather you share your own personal experiences or those of somebody you are genuinely close to. 

I’d just like to say I am in two minds about whether marrying a Sunni would be a realistic option for me but I do want to be open minded about this as I don’t want to be alone forever and this is a halal route.

problem with shia sunni marriages is.

many or most sunnis do not consider shia muslims. 

the family of the sunni man or woman will most likely not be happy about having a shia husband or wife.

 

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