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In the Name of God بسم الله

Pray for me you guys

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Lots of love and duas for you sister. I hope this guy isn't someone who hates shias. Will you move out? Who will take care of your Mum? Can't you just take his job offer and work with him for a little while before committing for marriage. Please do an istikhara.

https://www.al-islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-allah-muhammad-baqir-haideri/section-6-various-forms-istikhara

Please pray every dua from the link above before making a final decision. 

Duas.

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If you can afford an apartment on your own on the salary which you will get working from him then get an apartment yourself. I don't like the idea of namehram men giving favours to women. Providing a home for a woman is husband's role. Don't let any namehram man be in the position.Get your own place even if it's very small so you can keep your relationship with him on your own terms. He will respect you for this.

Live on your own for sometimes before marrying him. You will be surprised how much your thought process and choices change once you live independently and in a non abusive environment. I am not saying he is necessarily a bad person but sometimes toxic situations make us take bad decisions out of desperation. 

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Salam Sister, 

You shouldn't make these kinds of decisions when you are in a highly emotional state. You may end up doing something that you regret later. If you are asking advice, my advice would be to calm down, say some dua, then make a decision. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you. You are in our prayers. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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I’m all wiped out of savings because I had quit my job to be a care taker for my mom. So I feel forced to accept this mans offer. I feel thiS story has repeated itself so many times over and over again with my brother. No use. He is as toxic as my father was. Perhaps this man will just let me work for him and give me a place to stay. Maybe our marriage can just be for the sake of helping the helpless. Maybe he can see this just as a charity cases and not want anything else ya Rab

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3 hours ago, Miss Wonderful said:

@starlight I don’t want to live at home anymore. My mom keeps  making me mentally ill too. She wants to perish and not take the measures to see a doctor. This guy can afford me an apartment. I’m done with this family. I am so done. Of course he probably hates us. I’m so miserable . 

lf you ain't comfortable with this guy, do not marry him.

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He may not be a bad guy. Maybe he wants to protect you from your family. To be honest, when you’ve been abused by family members, there are good men out there who want to provide and protect you. My husband was raised in a highly abusive family, with a narcissistic mother. I felt an urge to protect him even when he was clearly still vulnerable and afraid to set boundaries. 

This guy may or may not be the same way. I’m not going to speculate because it’s not nearly important as your current emotional state.

Let’s put aside sect differences for a moment and think rationally. Only you know this man. We can all give advice on the internet, but only you know him and his true intentions. You need to evaluate his intentions, who is really is, and if he truly respects you. You can only do that with time and getting your own place.

So, I would say that you need to move-out first. Move out and once you’re not emotional and in highly stressful environment, then you’ll have time to think with a clear head. 

Marriage should be decided based on two things: love (healthy) and genuine commitment. Not out of desperation and vulnerability.

You need to get married with a clear head — you shouldn’t make impulsive decisions. 

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7 hours ago, notme said:

If he were a kind and generous man, he would offer you a job and inexpensive rental place with flexible payment terms until you are established, without the requirement of marriage. This sounds too much like moving from one abusive situation to another. I recommend following all the above advice about taking time and making duas and not rushing into a decision. 

 

9 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Salam Sister, 

You shouldn't make these kinds of decisions when you are in a highly emotional state. You may end up doing something that you regret later. If you are asking advice, my advice would be to calm down, say some dua, then make a decision. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you. You are in our prayers. 

@Miss Wonderful Seriously, please consider their thoughts. If this goes wrong, then you'd be jumping from the pot into the pan. Shame on your brother for making you consider this.

 

9 hours ago, Miss Wonderful said:

Perhaps this man will just let me work for him and give me a place to stay. Maybe our marriage can just be for the sake of helping the helpless. Maybe he can see this just as a charity cases and not want anything else ya Rab

He wants your body, he wants your lifelong commitment to him. Could you please think about this for at least a month? Imagine if things go wrong with this man, you'd be back to square one except this time with a baby to worry about.

 

I don't think marrying to escape a bad situation is a bad idea, but there are plenty of Shia men out there who would be better for you and it doesn't have to be this man. I think you're a very strong person (this issue would have snapped most of us in half) and you do have the strength to overcome this. Another opportunity will come just like this one did, don't think this is the last and only train. 

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12 hours ago, Miss Wonderful said:

I’ve suffered abuse from my brother long enough. It’s so crazy how my family always tears each other down and humiliates them. My brother inherited abusiveness from my father. I can’t take it anymore. Today I have to sacrifice my religion and make a decision to marry someone out of my sect as refuge. It shatters my heart but this guy has promised to help me out and even give me a position in his firm. Plz pray for me y’all. It’s a sad day today. Sad I have to seek the help of strangers let alone a non Shia. I feel like I failed Imam Hussein (عليه السلام) but I’m so sick of living in an abusive and crazy household.

I actually cried tears while I was reading this. InshAllah Sabr and something will help to give you Happiness. Sabr is key, you said you want to marry someone who will get you out of this situation, If you take ur time you will find a person how will make you happy like no one else could. My prayers for you sister.

Edited by Ansur Shiat Ali
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The advice given by the brothers and sisters are crucial to note, I believe that we can all help you in your predicament to a greater extent if you are more explicit, as that would provide everyone with a better means to address your situation and perhaps a way to recommend other avenues. 

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@Miss Wonderful I would take what hasanhh, Abu Hadi and Notme  have to say to heart. You are very overwhelmed right now, I don't think you should make such a important, life-changing decision in the state of mind you are in right now. It's not good to marry just to simply run away from your problems. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, I wish I could help you out more.

P.S. The guy sounds like trouble, I hope I'm wrong but I'm seeing some red flags right now.

 

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Salam Sister,

Stay strong sister I know you'll get through this, remember Sayyida Zainab (عليه السلام) after Karbala and how she remained strong. Please listen to the advice that has been given because they are important. I pray for you dear sister. 

Allahumma salli `ala muhammadin wa ali muhammadin, I ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to help you during this time and throughout your life, to grant you patience and strength in these troubling times. To give you a caring husband who will look after you and stand with you in every situation you are faced with and bless with glad tidings in this life and the ahkira. 

Sister we are here for you and we will try our best to help you. We won't forget you in our dua.

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I am so happy that happened! Allah will help you inshaAllah. 

IMO it is clear that he is taking advantage of you and sees a vulnerable girl. Stop contact with him, you can tell him you have decided not to get into any relationship in this state.

Lots of duas!! Try looking for a job that you can work from home (many positions are remote now any way), and work on improving your own and your mothers mental health (I don't agree with you leaving her when she wants to die). 

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On 10/12/2020 at 6:31 AM, Miss Wonderful said:

Update: so there was a lot of things that made me uncomfortable during our phone convo, and I decided to do ishtakhra. Anyway, I got dressed to meet this guy and when I was about to go out the door...I fell asleep.....:hahaha: :hahaha::hahaha:. I woke up to many messed calls. Honestly I believe he thinks he got played...cuz the first time I canceled and now the second time I snoozed.y’all do you think the istakhra worked? Maybe it was everyone’s duas in this chat that came all together to save me. Allahu a3lam. Thank you beautiful people. 

That's direct aid from God as far as I'm concerned 

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4 hours ago, Sacrifical said:

You shouldnt have emnity with your brother or family. or cut off relationship with them if you are a true Muslim imo. I think you are going astray. You should be forgiving. 

You are verbally abusive and perpetuating abuse. How can you blame the victim? 
 

Allah does not side with abusers. 

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4 hours ago, Sacrifical said:

You shouldnt have emnity with your brother or family. or cut off relationship with them if you are a true Muslim imo. I think you are going astray. You should be forgiving. 

Be careful when say someone is going astray because we don't know what status this person has with regards to Allah. Person A may say that Person B is going astray but Person B may have a better status in the sight of Allah. We don't know. 

Just a note, how do you know she hasn't been forgiving. She might've forgiven her family a million times. Please don't be so quick to judge, you don't know what she's been through. 

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10 hours ago, Sacrifical said:

You shouldnt have emnity with your brother or family. or cut off relationship with them if you are a true Muslim imo. I think you are going astray. You should be forgiving.

Have no idea why it won’t let me type my response to you but only in this box. You don’t know what I experience unless you try it yourself. I wouldn’t  cut off my mother. But my brother 100%. I have my reasons and you would too if you were in my place. 

Edited by Hameedeh
Fixed formatting.
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12 hours ago, Sacrifical said:

You shouldnt have emnity with your brother or family. or cut off relationship with them if

ln one side of my larger family, a basic premise is: You behave yourself or ___ damn the Hell with you. Which refered to the more serious sins.

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8 hours ago, Miss Wonderful said:

Have no idea why it won’t let me type my response to you but only in this box. You don’t know what I experience unless you try it yourself. I wouldn’t  cut off my mother. But my brother 100%. I have my reasons and you would too if you were in my place. 

Yeah I probably dont because the story is not detailed enough. "I think" you are going astray. 

But maybe you are too proud to be nice with your brother and fight off bad with good instead of bad with bad. 

Imam Ali " If you dont have any reason to forgive your sibling then find one"

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5 hours ago, Sacrifical said:

Yeah I probably dont because the story is not detailed enough. "I think" you are going astray. 

But maybe you are too proud to be nice with your brother and fight off bad with good instead of bad with bad. 

Imam Ali " If you dont have any reason to forgive your sibling then find one"

You don't know what you're saying. In other words, you are trying to keep her in the abusive relationship. Even if she forgives her brother, is this gonna change her brother's behaviour, no. Regardless, yes someone should forgive but at least consider what the victim has been through. How do you expect someone who lived under an abusive relationship to be so forgiving immediately. It's hard and I guess you wouldn't know because you probably never experienced it. At least put yourself in her shoes.

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7 hours ago, Sacrifical said:

Imam Ali " If you dont have any reason to forgive your sibling then find one"

Abu Lahab and Abu Talib were siblings!! Just reminding you.

Forgiveness is good and highly recommended but it shouldn't be forced upon people. It's not ctrl +alt +del. People who have been wronged first need to recover from oppression and abuse and then maybe they will be in a place where they can think about forgiveness.

In an environment of ongoing abuse forgiveness doesn't mean anything. You hit me, I say I forgive you , you hit me again, the cycle continues. This is lose lose situation where victim keeps on suffering and abuser never mends his ways because he has no fear of punishment.

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6 minutes ago, starlight said:

Abu Lahab and Abu Talib were siblings!! Just reminding you.

Forgiveness is good and highly recommended but it shouldn't be forced upon people. It's not ctrl +alt +del. People who have been wronged first need to recover from oppression and abuse and then maybe they will be in a place where they can think about forgiveness.

In an environment of ongoing abuse forgiveness doesn't mean anything. You hit me, I say I forgive you , you hit me again, the cycle continues. This is lose lose situation where victim keeps on suffering and abuser never mends his ways because he has no fear of punishment.

 

I remember in the Quran it said along the lines: 

"Certainly among your children and spouses you have enemies but if you forgive, forbear and overlook. Certainly He is all-forgiving"

its very easy you just forgive and say nice words and truthful words and you dont act on your anger. Go away until you calm down and then take action when you are not angry. and you stay with humility

I remember a quote from Imam Ali " anger is like a fire ball if you swallow its sweet" 

If I am wrong and the Quran doesnt support what I am saying. then tell me how and I will follow the Quran and not my own arguments

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1 hour ago, Sacrifical said:

very easy you just forgive and say nice words and truthful words and you dont act on your anger. Go away until you calm down and then take action when you are not angry. and you stay with humility

If you think these things go away as easily as that clearly you have never suffered abuse, say Alhumdollilah.

1 hour ago, Sacrifical said:

If I am wrong and the Quran doesnt support what I am saying. then tell me how and I will follow the Quran and not my own arguments

I don't know if you really think this simply or are you just not ready to admit that you could be wrong. There are verses in Quran where Allah is called Raheem and there are verses about him being a swift and harsh punisher. So can I believe in one and not the other? If a brother sexually abuses her sister or kills her child does one demand immediate forgiveness because siblings should always be forgiven? 

Go and read Surah 111 again. It is about the Prophet's Uncle, the brother of Hazrat Abu Talib. Read what Allah says there. 

No one is advocating she acts in anger or never forgives her brother but one shouldn't expect someone who is still going through abuse or forgive his abuser there and then. 

I think I have explained my point of view quite clearly. If you don't agree it's fine, I won't be posting further to address it here.

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sister your brother probably doesnt realize that your a good person. 

On 10/10/2020 at 6:31 AM, Miss Wonderful said:

I feel like I failed Imam Hussein (عليه السلام)

Please sister don't say these words you did not fail Imam al Hussein.

I can relate to your situation. Due to being in a family of sada my family is very strict all of them put responsibilities on my shoulders and sometimes I feel like giving up but I keep my head up. Yes, your situation is difficult but please keep your head up. I have my hands up in prayer for you. Inshallah your situation ends.

:grin:

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On 10/10/2020 at 6:31 AM, Miss Wonderful said:

Today I have to sacrifice my religion and make a decision to marry someone out of my sect as refuge. It shatters my heart but this guy has promised to help me out

Please don't leave your religion I was put in tears when I read this post. I know you might marry someone outside of your religion which is up to you but please stay a Muslim because my heart shattered when I read about your situation. Your brothers punishment is with Allah. Imam Ali as once said:

"Women are like flowers. They should be treated gently, kindly and with affection"

So please give your religion another chance. And inshallah you will Be in Jannah sister.

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