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In the Name of God بسم الله

What lesson does Allah want me to learn?

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  • Advanced Member

I am trying to understand what it is Allah wants me to learn. Both of my parents are mentally ill. Well my father passed away but he was violent, narcissistic, bipolar and full of rage. My mom is codependent, suicidal, and depression. So what is the lesson in this. What do I take from this? I woke up  startled a few minutes ago to my mother crying. She was saying to my brother she wants him to draw how she was in the hospital and how she was tortured there. We have been out of the hospital since March... she was crying and saying she was tortured. I lost it. I yelled at her “mom if I hadn’t dialed 911 you would’ve died. In fact you were dying but by the grace of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), the doctors managed to save you.” Then she shouted she would rather have died than endured her stay at the hospital. She said they would’ve eventually killed her there anyway. I told her  I agree that in the end they were becoming too much experimental but I was with you the entire time, and I was firm with the doctors and would take second opinions from other docTors and family before making decisions. Some people are not blessed to have their children stay with them at the hospital.  Then she told me I trust too doctors too much and that I’m too stubborn and I’m a disgrace of a daughter. At this point  I left her and went for a smoke. Honestly what is the lesson. What do I make out of I. I continue to feel like my heart is being ripped out into a million pieces. Dealing with mentally ill parents has been one of the most difficult, post traumatic, stTess toiling things in my life. And she will need a hospital visit soon that she keeps pushing back. She swore to take a knife and slit her wrists if we take her or call the ambulance, even if she needs blood or even though they need to remove/replace the thing they put in her kidney before it crystallizes. She says she will go when they release the vaccine for Covid. Wallah this is sooo much to handle and I am ruining my own health by stress and smoking.  What lesson is Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) want me to take from this? What does He want me to do? 

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  • Development Team
3 minutes ago, Miss Wonderful said:

I am trying to understand what it is Allah wants me to learn. Both of my parents are mentally ill. Well my father passed away but he was violent, narcissistic, bipolar and full of rage. My mom is codependent, suicidal, and depression. So what is the lesson in this. What do I take from this? I woke up  startled a few minutes ago to my mother crying. She was saying to my brother she wants him to draw how she was in the hospital and how she was tortured there. We have been out of the hospital since March... she was crying and saying she was tortured. I lost it. I yelled at her “mom if I hadn’t dialed 911 you would’ve died. In fact you were dying but by the grace of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), the doctors managed to save you.” Then she shouted she would rather have died than endured her stay at the hospital. She said they would’ve eventually killed her there anyway. I told her  I agree that in the end they were becoming too much experimental but I was with you the entire time, and I was firm with the doctors and would take second opinions from other docTors and family before making decisions. Some people are not blessed to have their children stay with them at the hospital.  Then she told me I trust too doctors too much and that I’m too stubborn and I’m a disgrace of a daughter. At this point  I left her and went for a smoke. Honestly what is the lesson. What do I make out of I. I continue to feel like my heart is being ripped out into a million pieces. Dealing with mentally ill parents has been one of the most difficult, post traumatic, stTess toiling things in my life. And she will need a hospital visit soon that she keeps pushing back. She swore to take a knife and slit her wrists if we take her or call the ambulance, even if she needs blood or even though they need to remove/replace the thing they put in her kidney before it crystallizes. She says she will go when they release the vaccine for Covid. Wallah this is sooo much to handle and I am ruining my own health by stress and smoking.  What lesson is Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) want me to take from this? What does He want me to do? 

He (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) wants you understand that life is out of your control, via your parents. They didn't choose to be mentally ill, it was out of their control, only He has control of our lives. So be patient with your mother, she is clearly not in the right state of mind and be careful of what your mother says to your family about the hospital because clearly, as you  stated, there's no evidence of the doctors torturing her like she's been saying. It's your responsibility to tell your brother the truth of what happened at the hospital. 

Secondly, you were given a gift that your parents didn't have. A sound mind, you understand the realities of mental illness that most people are not privy to. Time and time again, it has been online: Most Muslims have a very superficial understanding of what mental illness is. Perhaps you can use your experiences to discuss how difficult and harsh living with mental illness can be.

Thirdly, you are not a disgrace and/or stubborn. You were doing what you could for the well-being and safety of your mother and doing your best to calm her. You will be rewarded for this. Again, your mother doesn't understand what is going on or what she's saying, she is sick. 

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  • Development Team
4 minutes ago, Miss Wonderful said:

@Gaius I. Caesar my brother knows he would take shifts with me at the hospital. I’m so tired of this drama. My patience is nearing its end....I feel like I was born in a mental hospital. 

That's good, I was under the impression your brother wasn't aware. That is what living with mentally ill people is like, constant drama and walking on egg shells. It's not easy, you can always pray for sabr but don't forget you also remove yourself from the drama  when it gets out of hand and toxic.

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  • Veteran Member

Salam,

Imam Hussain (عليه السلام) battlefield was Karbala.

Everyone will have our own battlefield, little Karbala.

So be patient .  When the total reliance on Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is in the heart, then peace will set in regardless of war scenario outside the body.  See how calm Hussain (عليه السلام) was.

The thing that we have to accept is that most events do not follow our wishes.  Even if the event goes our way, it also a test.  

We have to learn that only with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) Help, we can stand strong.  One of Allah 's (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) Name is as Sabur (The Patient).  We need that Name instill in our soul to have the patience.  We need it to face the unpredictable world.  We can get through tawassul of Imam Hussain (عليه السلام) to reach that Name.  Just remember the Sacrifices by Imam Hussain to serve Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) at Karbala is a tawassul.  How stressful and lonely was Hussain (عليه السلام)?  How stressful and lonely was Zainab (عليه السلام)?

If that Name of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) (as Sabur) is in the heart and soul, we will understand all the difficulties we are facing now.

Patience is our vehicle.  It can be our strong weapon too.

Wallahualam.

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  • Advanced Member

@Gaius I. Caesar @layman I agree with both of you that one of the tests is saber, and the other being a test relying fully on Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). I also agree with Gaius that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) wants me to be thankful for having a logical, sound mind. 

Yes, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) wants me to understand that human beings cannot be relied on one another for  complete peace, comfort, and security-not even from your spouse. That has to come from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Everyone  is going to take consequences for their actions alone. When we die, we aren’t going to be supporting each other. Everyone is going to fear for their own selves. We will all try and defend ourselves for fear of Hellfire. From a very young age, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) had been making me aware that my parents are not the best role models for me. They came from a Sunni school of thought and were also mentally and emotionally unstable  but Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) had different plans for me. He filled my heart and inspired me to search for the truth. He directed me to better examples of Muslims, because He saw I had an inclination to want to know more. He directed my attentions to brave and heroic Muslims that followed RasulAllah ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)&hf) and Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام). He filled my heart with love both for the Prophet((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم))and his cousin Ali(عليه السلام). I would read quotes and upon quotes of Imam Ali (عليه السلام). Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) showed me that even the closest and dearest family are still fallible human beings that can hurt me the most. He is testing me through them because He loves me so much, He wants me to strive to purify my soul and character. He never once allowed me to take extreme action of giving up, cuz He won’t give me anything I cannot handle. Even the times I did stumble, He kept on being Al Wadood. The compassion  and time that strangers have given me in my time of distress has always been inspired  and initiated by Him. It’s His Love that shown through each and every person, trying to comfort me.He can instill compassion in a million people just to bring you comfort through Him.But most of all you can feel Him in the words of the Quran and  in the actions of Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام) and inside your heart. JazkAllah Khair everyone.

Edited by Miss Wonderful
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  • Advanced Member

I truly hope and pray that your mum gets better. 
 

I can totally relate to what you’re going through because I’ve been through it too. 
 

If you ask me, stop *comparing* (for a lack of a good word) yourself to the Imams or The Prophets. That’ll just make it worse because usually what that does is make you feel even more guilty.
 

I’m sorry but I’m not gonna tell you to look at karbala for lessons. That doesn’t work. Just be kind to yourself. You’re doing the best you can. Control the controllables and leave the rest to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). There is no reasoning with anyone in your situation. 
 

Have your smoke, relish it. Enjoy it. It’s all good. We all need a breather sometimes. 
 

Last but not least - don’t beat yourself over this. You’re doing great. 

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  • Development Team
1 hour ago, Triggered said:

If you ask me, stop *comparing* (for a lack of a good word) yourself to the Imams or The Prophets. That’ll just make it worse because usually what that does is make you feel even more guilty.

I agree, we can look to Muhammad (sawas) or the Imams (عليه السلام) for inspiration in trying times but they should never be a source of emotional blackmail or guilt for us.

Not every situation they endured is applicable for us. Not every situation that we modern humans deal with on daily basis can be compared to their lives.

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