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In the Name of God بسم الله

Question For Married Users

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Guest With Questions

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Guest With Questions

 

Salaam :bye:

The users on here who are married have given some solid and logical advice on marriage. Stuff like, make sure you find a partner you can tolerate, look past the initial charm, and don't ignore red flags.

A question for those married users: what would you say is an important area for a young person to become mature in (knowledge-wise, personality-wise, mentality-wise, etc.) before getting married? And is there a certain amount of religious knowledge muslims should have before getting married? 
 

Someone who has never held a job before, lives with their parents, continuously tries to learn about their religion.....<-- is a pretty average scenario for muslims around me that I know. But those people have never lived with a stranger, might not know much about personal finance........they might want to get married, but what advice would you give to them before they start looking for a spouse? In what ways should they work on "self-improvement" before marriage?

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On 9/23/2020 at 12:48 PM, Guest With Questions said:

 

Salaam :bye:

The users on here who are married have given some solid and logical advice on marriage. Stuff like, make sure you find a partner you can tolerate, look past the initial charm, and don't ignore red flags.

A question for those married users: what would you say is an important area for a young person to become mature in (knowledge-wise, personality-wise, mentality-wise, etc.) before getting married? And is there a certain amount of religious knowledge muslims should have before getting married? 
 

Someone who has never held a job before, lives with their parents, continuously tries to learn about their religion.....<-- is a pretty average scenario for muslims around me that I know. But those people have never lived with a stranger, might not know much about personal finance........they might want to get married, but what advice would you give to them before they start looking for a spouse? In what ways should they work on "self-improvement" before marriage?

I'm not married but some obvious ones are

- Get rid of compulsive bad habits/addictions. Examples can be addiction to smoking, gambling, pornography, drinking, drugs etc. Any kind of unhealthy addiction, especially if it's harram, is destructive and we'll result a loss of control in our lives. When we don't have control in our lives, we'll always resort to these habits when life gets stressful. The end result is.. destruction.

- Spiritual growth is definitely important. Our spouses will complement us but we have to get into the habit of already monitoring ourselves throughout the day and being mindful of the sins we commit. I'm talking about all kinds of sins, small or major. Our great scholars of ethics have recommended this simple spiritual practice, where we make a condition to not disobey Allah at the start of the day, then before we sleep, we review our day. This is probs one of the most powerful exercises which one should get into the habit of doing.

 

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13 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Get rid of compulsive bad habits/addictions. Examples can be addiction to smoking, gambling, pornography, drinking, drugs etc. Any kind of unhealthy addiction, especially if it's harram, is destructive and we'll result a loss of control in our lives. When we don't have control in our lives, we'll always resort to these habits when life gets stressful. The end result is.. destruction.

As a married person - we will be celebrating 30 years in a few days time.  I would go with what is said here.  Many of these habits can be really destructive to a close relationship.  Especially pornography which destroys a persons respect for the opposite sex and raises expectations beyond what a 'normal' loving wife or husband can provide.  Gambling too destroys financial security and trust between couples.

My input from experience is go into marriage with the goal of making it a life long commitment.  With this aim in mind when you face problems and challenges, and you definitely will, your goal will not be to escape and take the easy road out - divorce or an affair - but you will seek all that is in your power to solve the problem and get through to the other side.  When you do your marriage will be stronger and more likely to survive the next storm.

Can I suggest too that you view your partner as an equal and respect and listen to their position and opinion?  If you only see your future wife as the person to meet your needs, your marriage will be a disappointment.  Marriage is about the other person - what can I do to make the other person happy and feel loved.  Someone once went to a marriage counsellor and asked why isn't my marriage working I give my 50% but my wife doesn't do her part he said.  The counsellor looked at him and said that's the problem you need to give 100%.

Here's an interesting interview with a couple who have done a TED talk on marriage.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=4&v=k9oiOfvLqRU&feature=emb_logo

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Salaam,

From a "self-Improvement" perspective, I would say you need to learn and understand that a spouse is a partner in life. As such, be ready to give up 50% of what you are used to and accept 50% of what your spouse has to offer; similar goes for your wife. For example, right now 100% of your time is your time. When you get married, you have to devote time to your spouse. My wife didn't work when we got married. I was used to coming home and 'chilling' for a couple of hours by watching TV, snoozing, etc. But she had already done the chilling part in my absence so she was ready to go out to eat, watch a movie, etc. It took a short period of time for me to adapt my 'chilling' style to make sure I wasn't neglecting her.

Finances - everything will be double. If you buy 1 ice cream today, you will be buying 2 tomorrow; 1 movie ticket today, 2 tickets tomorrow. This is not meant to scare you but prepare you. If you watch 4 movies in the cinema per month today, you may have to watch 2 movies per month BUT you will enjoy those 2 movies much more when you share the experience with a spouse.

Secret to a successful marriage - compromise. Any 2 people can get along if they choose to get along.

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Spend more time listening than talking, but do talk about what is important to you. Always give your spouse the benefit of doubt. Don't hold grudges. Do more than you think is fair. Don't expect thanks or appreciation but be pleased when you get them. Trust your spouse. 

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The institution of marriage in Pakistan is a complete gong show. Here’s a word of advice to anyone whose from Pakistan practicing joint family scene. Please move out because if you don’t; you’ll spend half your time pleasing your parents and the other half apologizing to your wife and more then likely it will end up in divorce. 

Apart from moving out and living in your own cave—I’d say that even if there are days you don’t find any reason to “love” your spouse, the least you can do is be respectful of each other. Most young people go into marriages thinking it will be just like the movies. Nope. Have mercy on each other and be kind to each other. 

One of my very close Pakistani friend was having a very hard time adjusting, even though it was a love marriage and not arranged. After many fights and countless nights of arguments; we found out that he wasn’t telling his wife how he actually felt. He just expected her to know how he’s feeling. Alhamdulillah. Once he started opening up, they both found a middle ground in their relationship where they could both appreciate each other. So yeah. Communication is key. Gotta go. Best wishes. 

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As salaamun aleikum,

As well as what other people have mentioned above, i want to stress making sure you know yourself well enough to know what are deal breaker for you, and make sure you know the same from your potential spouse PRIOR to engagement and marriage. Im talking about the obvious things such as unfaithfullness, abuse and the way kids will be raised, to the less obvious but just as important things such as activities you both personally need and enjoy in your life, or abhor and can not tolerate in another. 

An example: : A friend of mine loves hiking, camping, gardening etc. In fact, you could say she NEEDS these as a way of keeping balanced and destressing from the things that bear heavily on her in this dunya. She wanted nothing more than to share these activities with her future husband. Prior to marriage, husband said he also enjoyed these things, however, hes basically freaked out of most sounds he hears in the bushes, is not comfortable getting dirty or with too much manual labor, and literally forbade her to go hiking. She came to accept this as they had already invested a lot of time in the relationship before it became obvious that he feels differently about these things. It has been a loss for her because a big part of her nature has to be supressed. True enjoyment in these activities is not something that can be faked. If it isnt truly in them both, they can not connect on this level together because they do not share a mutual love for these activities. Alhamdulilah, more recently they have come to a compromise in a few things.

I do want to say she is completely satisfied with his religion, good heart and other aspects of him as a Muslim man and she wouldnt trade him for someone who fell short in these ways, yet pleases her in this other arena. 

Another example: A religious brother who married a sister without realizing how dunya-i she really was. He was pleased with her looks, so they married as she came from a "good religious family", yet it turned out being from such a family does not guarantee religiosity..She  is highly into name brand this, name brand that, jewelry,expensive cars, living beyond their means, etc. and Is not really interested in growing in religion. These types of attractions could be fine if the man she married was interested in the same things, but...hes not. Hes the opposite, but theres nothing he can do about it, especially now after 20+years of marriage and kids. 

Shes a good person, faithfull, works hard, amazing host, cooks great and is a good mom, its just that his desire to have a wife to grow together in the religion with is dashed, but thats what can happen when you marry according to the outwardly appearance as opposed to knowing whats going on inside.

Alot of problems in marriages, especially new ones, come from people not discussing things prior to after the marriage ceremony, and alot of these problems are preventable by simply making each other aware of these things before marriage, kind of like giving a heads up.

Make sure to discuss your passions and hobbies. Maybe the brother is really into working on his cars and that destresses him and calms him. Maybe she enjoys going window shopping for 2-3 hours a week and that activity calms her. Maybe the brother is into practicing martial arts..You both need to be ok with your spouse engaging in these activities, cuz expecting them to completely stop after marriage is truly not fair, even if you bring "legitimate" reasons for it.

Husband likes to work on his cars for 2-3 hours on his days off..you knew this before you married-dont complain now.

Wife likes to window shop alone for 2-3 hours..you knew she needed this before you married. 

Brother practices martial arts. You knew before marriage he could POSSIBLY get hurt-dont cry and complain about how dangerous it is now and tell him to stop.

Of course, when kids come into the picture, both parties will need to figure out how to adjust their schedules to meet the needs of the family, but this doesnt mean both parties need to completely give up the hobbies or things that bring them peace and balance. A person causes more damage to their souls and everyone elses when they are maladaptive, dysfunctional and emotionally imbalanced due to stress. Continue to take the time you both need, but maybe modify the duration of time needed for it.

Listen, you both were aware BEFORE marriage and claimed to be ok with it. MAKE SURE YOURE REALLY OK WITH IT! It doesnt matter if you have to ask 50,000 questions to ascertain certainty that youre truly ok, or consider if youre willing to compromise or even completely give it up, just do it, because its both of your lives and possibly children were talking about. Life has enough problems and stresses already without adding unnecessary preventable stress and problems to the picture.

All im saying is, the stuff thats really important to both sides needs to be seriously discussed prior to marriage. Dig deep, and know what those things are. Know what youre not willing to give up, and MAKE SURE you are truly content with who and what you are REALLY marrying so in sha Allah people do not end up being unfair and unjust to the other party after marriage, and of course, be willing to compromise. Just make sure to put the deal breakers on the table right in the beginning, and dont be afraid to bring them up again before the actuall marriage... Alot of unfairness goin on out there with people trying to change their spouse AFTER marriage. If a spouse wants to change themselves after marriage, GREAT! But dont go into it with the idea that your future spouse is you new "Mr Potatoe Head/ fixer upper project where once youre married, you can pick and choose what you want them to be and then enforce it on them..It doesnt work that way. You have to be ok with who and what a person is prior to marriage. In sha Allah anything that arises after marriage wont be anything that cant be conquered, but again, get the main issues straightened out before marriage.  

W/s

Edited by shia farm girl
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